Today

Today was nice.... except I was extremely sluggish and tired this entire day. Yes I know, it's my own fault and then again I couldn't sleep because my roommate was up reading and her light was really bright. So I probably only got four hours last night.
Anyway, during art history I had the hardest time staying up. The bad thing is, is that my teacher loves to call on people to answer questions. So what I do is when I drunk with sleepiness in her class, I half-listen making up answers just in case she does pick on me. Today she was talking about Romantic and Neo-classic art and talked about how everything was all about heroism and chivalry and how movies today reflect such 'philosophy'. She asked the class to name some movies and she asked me when I had my eyes half shut. The first thing I thought was 'King Arthur' (my association with chivalry is with knights which is chainmail which lead me to King Arthur... lol). Anyway, Bonnie was fiddling on her Mac to keep herself awake and she tapped me and faced her computer screen towards me. On Word she wrote 'Sweetie, his fingers remind me of yours- long and gorgeous'.
http://www.manga-news.com/IMG/jpg/rose_versailles_01-2.jpg
It was a picture of this manga/anime series she loved as a child. I cracked up because it was the most random thing ever.
Anyway after art history and 2d, me and this girl named Ji Ae (pronounced as the letters 'g' 'a') we to visit NYU to see a few galleries for tomorrow's English class. Omg, NYU is gorgeous.. it's like their own mini campus.. I visited the library and it's like being inside a computer (tesellation (sp) I learnt that in 3D class.. lol.. the floors are crazy. I'll post a picture later on imagestation.. crazy black and white shapes on shiny floor and it's huge...I felt like I was on crazy pills). One of the only piece of art I really liked was the feminist artist, Barbara Kruger, where there was this huge picture of a doll face and it said 'Whenever I hear the word 'culture' I take out my checkbook'. She's really into anti-culture and stuff like that. A lot of the work was really ugly there: canvases painted in gold with huge rhinestones stuck on them.. I mean if I handed that in to my teacher, I'd certainly fail. I hate most art after Impressionism.
There was one art film which showed an image of this weird white material spread into the shape of a human figure... it was lit on fire and I slowly watched it burn.. and I suddenly thought that we have gotten used to the 'appearance' of fire that we only recognize it by mere memory.. do we really revel in its beauty? Personally, it looks like pieces of material flying upwards and disappearing yet in some weird abstract way. It consumed the material quickly, turning it ash black, yet rapidly died when the land became barren. Anyway, the film itself was nothing amazing but it did make me rethink things that I have become so used to and made me reanalyze and appreciate nature for what it is. Have you really examined fire? We all have this set image of what it looks like that it's kind of lost its beauty. God is so creative. That's why I really want to see what heaven is like. I can't imagine how beautiful it is up there. To me, the earth is already so diverse, that it doesn't seem like it could get any more beautiful; the creative borders have been stretched out to its maximum. I try to imagine but I can't.
After, me and Ji Ae went to walk around the square and ended up at this tiny crepe cafe. The people working there were so nice so we sat down and she had some strawberry/chocolate crepe and I opted for a savoury with chicken, sweet corn and peppers. Two NYU girls were sitting next to us talking about relationships and guys they liked. I totally eavesdropped. Lol. I told Ji Ae that we never have those conversations at Parsons due to the lack of males. After we left, she told me how much more mature Parsons girls are, saying the NYU girls sounded like little high school students. I told her if we did have more of a male population, that Parsons girls would sound just as immature.
She then took me to this Korean version of the Body Shop (Bonnie and I have been looking for that place for ages because she wanted to go there and we couldn't find the address). It was intimidating, I tell you. Asian salespeople are much more aggressive than Caucasian ones and they kept following me around and naming the colours of the eyeliners I picked up.. I can tell what colour it is, yeesh. Customers aren't stupid. If your product design is successful, customers can understand what it is you're selling and the colour it comes in. And I just generally feel very self conscious in Asian cosmetic stores. On the good note, the stuff is extremely cheap. Funny thing is, is that they knew by appearance, that I wasn't Korean while they talked to my friend in Korean. I felt kind of weird. Paranoia perhaps.
I went home and took a 2.5 hour nap with liz. Lol. We almost missed dinner. Then created a presentation board on photoshop and illustrator. Go me. Oh yeah, and procrastinated by looking at jobs on craigslist.com. They had a job at the NBA store as a cashier. Lol. And at my favourite champagne truffle store: Jacques Torres.
This neverending fascination of mine with clothing must come from the idea that I can exude some facade with just the mere change of fabric and structure. We've long associated people's character with their clothes. How they act, is reflected in how they look. Sneakers, cotton/spandex streamlined clothes with running dynamic lines= athletic/sportif wear. 50's dresses, heels= 'girly' wear. Baggy pants, oversized shirts, large necklaces= gangster wear (ugh). Polos, collared shirts= preppy. Translucent thin cotton tees, minis= teenage look.
Anyway, Abercrombie doesn't hire people unless you have their 'look'. Although I am very against their look- stereotypical, common, overpriced ,american eagle-esque. But if I want to get a job there, I may just dress like them. See, the power of appearance. Sad but true. If you have beauty, what do you do with it? It's just there.
My roommates and I were just discussing male and female bodies. Bonnie and I love looking at women's bodies- she loves men that look like women (pretty) and women who have masculine features. However allie loves girls like keira knightley who are waif and boyish and guys that are thin but broad. But we have all concluded that we like females bodies over males. Why is that? Well Liz's boyfriend, Drew, answered our question- somewhat:
'Men are built pragmatically, systematically. Dude, come on, our sexual organs are horrible protrusions'
Lol. We all cracked up upon reading this. Men are built for practical functional purposes whereas women are built for aesthetics as well as function. Lol. Why else do we revel in a woman's beauty? Honor it, paint it and hang them on the most prestigious art galleries like the Louvre or the MET?

On My Own

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to go no one to turn to,
Did not want your money sir I came out here coz i was told to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here.
Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head.
On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us
I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers
I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me his world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known!
I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own.

Sorry, I just had to paste another serving of lyrics from the musical Les Miserables. I don't know about you, but I've grown up primarily on Phantom of the Opera, Les Miserables and a ton of classical music especially Vivaldi, Mozart, Beethoven and Tchaikovsky. I love the girl's name too: Eponine. I wonder if it's still on Broadway here, I'd like to see it again. I just love the line 'in the rain the pavement shines like silver...' As a child when I first saw it, I disliked Eponine whereas my mother loved her. However now, there's something so relatable about this song. Although we may not have a 'Marius', there is always the dream. That's kind of sad. The song is really sad.
Living inside your head... I do that a lot.. just phase out and dream. Actually I do that in class whenever it gets boring.

Anyway today at Drawing Fundamentals, we had an awesome critique of our personal objects portrait (we had to collect all our personal objects and make a composition out of it.. I incorporated items such as my violin, my mom's ivory necklace, my grandmother's wedding garment, a Japanese fan I got last year etc). I've discovered that I'm really good at critiquing traditional art compositions such as depth, travel through picture, tangents, uniqueness of items and such. I commented on six out of fifteen pictures.. Not bad for a person who usually doesn't talk. Hahaha.. Some people can't draw in my class. I just became really critical of placement of objects and such. Yes today was a good day though very cold and windy. And I was so sleepy.

The Desire for a Connection

I've realized that I have this 'obsession' with finding out the events of every person's life even though I may not know the person at all. If you have a blog and have links to other people, most likely, I have checked at least half of them and read their entries. Creepy? I think not. It's the deeper desire to connect with people and to see how they really feel. It's kind of odd though because when I see the person, I may want to mention something that they wrote except I'd come off as a stalker. Lol. I'm sure everyone is like that to some extent- to see who's so and so's friends are etc.
Even those people I have drifted from, I check their blogs quite often, and am always disappointed when I see the same entry title over and over again. It tires my eyes to see such familiarity. I'm always hungry to learn and read more. Perhaps that's the reason for my constant blogging in my own site. I've written over 220 entries here so far. Maybe one day I'll print them all out and make my own miniature book: a collection of my thoughts spanning approximately 2/3 years.
I think it's also the desire for people to connect to me. Because I don't talk like this in person, I want people to know what I'm afraid of, what I love, what I despise and what I dream of. I want you to know me as I am. Judge me, sure. I doubt there is one single person out there who does not judge a person by what they write... it's a sub conscious thing. I want you to literally read into me.
I'm interested in reading this book called 'The Pillow Book of Sei Shonagon': an ancient diary of a Japanese woman in the court which has been translated into English. She describes in beautiful, sensual language, the first winter and spring at the Palace. She records everything from the affairs of the palace to the things she enjoys to the different ways people speak (a priest's language, the speech of men and women, and the common people always tend to add extra syllables to their words). It is now the far-most detailed and factual record of a Japanese woman living in 11th century Japan.
I just love that name: Sei Shonagon. Maybe I'll name my future daughter that. Haha. I like weird names from Mercedes to Devon to Porscha (shakespeare). Damien is cool too. It's funny because Bonnie and I love the name Lucifer. It's a 'flowy' name that just rolls off the tongue. Yes, negative associations to the Devil himself but the name is really nice. Though I wouldnt go so far as to name my kid that.
Allie just looked over and asked me what 'Anatomy of an Artist' was and I freaked out a bit.. I told her it was something like My Space (it probably isn't because I think My space is more like Facebook than Xanga or Blogspot) :S.

tea and shoes

So today Bonnie and I went to Lady Mendl's at Irving Place to have afternoon tea (we got lost several times although it was only a fifteen minute walk from our dorm). There were 13 year olds in skimpy skirts trying to look grown up (I feel like a 13 year old) to 'mature' women. We had to give our coats first and then we had to wait for a minute in their sitting room. We then were lead upstairs to another small room. It was nice: very homey with a lot of Victorian and Edwardian furnishings. Disappointingly, they didn't serve everything on the traditional three tier thing. It was this five course tea with salad, cucumber sandwiches, brioche turkey and cranberry sandwiches, salmon and cream cheese sandwiches.. yum.. and then mini plain and cranberry scones with raspberry/cranberry preserves and Devonshire clotted cream (it tasted like whipping cream which melted in your mouth.. I snuck spoonfuls into my mouth :P). I want to make Devonshire clotted cream.. it sounds like some artery destroyer. Then there was Mille Feuille cake: thin crepes layered with light cream. I saw this first in the New York Times magazine and wanted to try it and today I did. Very yummy. Then finished with cookies and chocolate covered strawberries downed with pots of English Breakfast tea. HAhaha... so full. They had a lot of exotic teas there which I wanted to dabble in and try. I've uploaded all the pictures into a separate album in imagestation. It was very cute, someone had their birthday there. I think afternoon tea is the enjoyment of the process of eating good food in small quantities: heightening all the senses to the smells of bread,cake and tea to the taste of the crumbly scones to the beauty of the porcelain and presentation etc etc. Kind of like traditioanl Japanese food. :P Bonnie and I plan to pack a picnic 'basket' one day and go to Central Park when it gets warmer to lounge around. As a kid I used to dream about spreading a red and white checkered cloth on grass and eating sandwiches and cake and whatnot. That never happened :(
I tried this bagel store across our street and it's amazing. Plain bagel with cream cheese and a tea with milk. $3
Stupid.. On friday we had class and I got there on time and no one was there at all in the building... and found out there was going to be a fire drill and we asked our teacher if we could go early because we were on the 12th floor... the elevator went up to the 11th floor and stopped and came down -_- and the alarm rang so we had to run down 13 flights of stairs (we have a mezzanine level too). When we got down we just went to the bagel shop and went to class late. It was really stupid. I hate Parsons elevators. They're always jam packed.
When I get back to Toronto in the summer, I want to go to Edwards Garden.
I want a new camera. I want one of those really big $1000 Nikon cameras. I look really stupid taking pictures off this tiny Pentax camera around New York whenever I am doing assignments that require me to crouch low on the ground and take close shots of flowers and whatnot. If I have a big camera, that would make it look professional. :P Also the one I'm using now is very slow and it can't get really good macro shots. But iono. This canon one I've seen is really cool too. It can single out specific colours and make them all greyscale save one colour- so you can have an entire black and white picture with only red objects and whatnot.
I have class tomorrow. :( Three more weeks till Spring Break.... ugh... just keep working.
Oh yeah go to my New York album from imagestation. I took pictures of other people's shoes and they're darn amazing. I took only the best though. Check out the very organic looking one. The guy is amazing. He built it out of chopsticks and it acts like an orthopedic shoe: it's like a spring. He learned how to tie knots and went online to find a tutorial on how to knit and knit the sandal strap with chopsticks. I love it. Some are really conceptual though. The sneaker one is cool and so is the circle one. Most of them can;t hold people's weight though so they look good but they break.

Tolerance?

Jesus fucking Christ.

And I am supposed to tolerate with such language?

They talk about weed and smoking it and getting high while going to school.

It's as if they boast about their achievements and how much experience they've gotten from doing drugs.

All of America is practically on drugs. No jokes. Everyone is on prescription drugs and abuses it.

On a happy note, the song 'Fable' and 'Children' by Robert Miles makes me happy. I don't think I could ever get sick of them.

Balance

I used to laugh at the thought that someone would get a job just to support their spending habits and it has dawned on me now, since I live alone and am constantly exposed to materialism, that I may have to get a job soon. I feel bad for spending my parent's money so I think I'll get a job after Spring Break preferably doing Visual Merchandising (which is hard to come by as a student but since Stacy has a job at Abercrombie, perhaps I'll apply there although I am very against their clothign style and their dumb ads which are all of semi-nude guys. I don't want to do retail but we'll see...). I can't really be picky about anything since I haven;t had any experience in the retail field but getting an internship sounds fun too. Maybe both during the summer? Who knows.

I realized that I'm a clothes collector: someone who purchases clothing that attracts the eye over functionality. Bad? Yes and no. The clothes that I collect I plan on wearing them for several decades (unless my body gets extremely shriveled, fat and saggy.. HAHAHA.. I've seen many of those whilst life drawing. rarely do we get a really hot model). Then again that coat I splurged on when I first got here has been put to good use throughout the entire year since I wear it so often. I plan on passing all my clothes on to my children/grandchildren anyway. I cherish them now. A library of clothes. Almost like a history chronicling the places I've been and holds many memories of people I have been with.


Sometimes I think I talk too much about clothes.

But I'm going into that field.

I'm always trying to find a balance between all the things I write here in this blog.

Gifts, Lovers and Desires

The gift of writing is such an ordinary gift yet so powerful. Each word we choose to use can have the slightest impact on how others perceive our thoughts, our character etc. It can set tone or convey some kind of impression. So choose your words wisely.

Allie told me the other day she went to class with sneakers on, and this French guy called Constantine spoke in french to his friend and told her to look at allie's shoes... sacre bleu! They were sneakers! Who wears sneakers at Parsons? She knows french. Then they had a nerve to ask for a pen later on. Bonnie and I told Allie she should have said 'Pardonez moi, je n'ai pas une stylo' (oh crap I've forgotten all my french too. Is meant to translate into 'sorry, I do not have a pen'). Hahaha

Yay did updates on my deviant art and imagestation again. I found a couple of old grade 8 grad pics... so old... I also found one of Robyn too. :P


Update on my dad: the doctor said he should be fine by the time he comes to new york... he still can't see through his right eye though.


I'm excited for my next Critical Reading and Writing paper in which we have to focus on a gender and racial object/issue. He told us today that we needed an object that preferably was:
1) from our family

2) personal object

3) showed some kind of gender/racial perception


Which is so perfect because on the first day of class, I read the syllabus and I instantly thought of doing my grandmother's wedding garment. So I am really excited for this next essay. So nerdy eh? But I like to write.


There's something about that garment which makes it so personally special to me. Because I can't really communicate with my grandmother verbally, this way of looking through her old clothes, sort of forged some kind of connection between her and I. My mother said she was very happy that I'd wear her clothes and that they had been put to good use instead of lying around in bags at their old house.
There's also this desire within me to scrounge up what I can of my family tree. I wish more than anything to see that family tree book that traces my lineage back to the Song Dynasty in which my uncle was the Emperor. But sadly, it may have been lost when the Cultural Revolution took place. Sigh. I wish they kept all their old things so I could keep them as heirlooms. I remember my grandmother also told me one of my ancestors was the Prime Minister and was rescuing a boy or something and fleeing a certain part of China.. he became so stressed that all his hair turned white.hahaa...


Sometimes it's hard to be strong for others. like my roommates who so dearly want boyfriends. There's not one day when they're wistfully saying how much they want another person in their life.. bonnie mentioned yesterday at dinner that whenever she sees that japanese guy with his new girlfriend (he asked her out on valentines' day.. please if I ever have a future boyfriend.. do not ask me out on Valentine's day), she becomes bitter and 'jealous' (not in the entirely negative way). I want to tell them all that they're beautiful and talented and incredibly smart- that they can be whole without that someone in their life. But I usually don't say anything when they're talking to each other about it. But it's hard for me to encourage them sometimes because I know whatever I say, will not really 'help' their situation. I don't want them to rush into relationships as one has already done. I think he was a jerk. But one thing that separates them from me, is that I have never been liked by someone (that I am aware of) yet Allie has had four boyfriends before she came here and Bonnie had an interest in someone who liked her and a few other guys too.
I want to let every girl know that she's beautiful just as she is. It saddens me to hear that Bonnie wants a nose and eyebrow job... to hear that Stacy diets and works out to be skinny when I can tell you, she's extremely slender.. To hear Tania question why she isn't beautiful...I think their physical features are already perfect. But who am I to say all of this when I complain about myself? Nevertheless..
Haha.. I was watching a show today and the guy said "why can't I be beautiful like so many people? Oh well if I was, I'd probably have died from AIDS by now. And I'd probably be really shallow with a lot of hot and shallow friends. And I'd probably wouldn't have the brain I'd have today to have gotten into the fashion industry. Yet why do I envy beautiful people?"
I've probably mentioned this before, but I've always wanted to be Caucasian (before). Now I am happy with my ethnicity because it's so incredibly rich and wonderful- unlike American history which is shallow in comparison. hahaha... I'm enchanted by our culture and traditions. I'm sorry that I probably will not be able to pass on such traditions to my children one day.

I can't stand touchy-feely couples such as that Japanese guy and his girlfriend, who ever since made it official, cannot keep their hands off each other... they're always holding hands- even at class as Bonnie told me and at the caf when we're all down there eating. Public displays of affection....


Today at Critical reading and writing, I had to analyze a Cosmopolitan magazine. When I was about 13/14 I was fascinated by that magazine (no I never read it save the embarrassing moments articles). But today I was leafing through the hilary duff and EVERYTHING has sexual connotations and how to get a guy, satisfy a guy etc. Even in the fashion section 'Ruffles: want to give your guy whiplash' or 'floaty summer dresses which by the way, show l-o-t-s of skin'. What a disgusting magazine: the entire thing is centered around sex. On the front it said 'topless guys: you've never seen before!!!! (because only cosmo would do this)'. How sad. Mb it's because I do life drawing which makes a difference. Then again, go to any beach or pool and you can see an array of topless men there. In such magazine, women are portrayed as active persons rather than passive in how they go about luring guys.

I also can't stand it when Vogue or some style magazine says 'white is the new black'. Today I was reading an article which I thought was going to be about the effects of global warming on the fashion industry (psh it was just an intro. it was disappointing) and the writer said 'fall is the new spring'. I despise it when they say things like that. It sounds really cheesy.

There's this guy I dislike in my class. At a glance he is good looking in a way but he's very egoistical and rude. No one in my class likes him either. The other week, my friend and I were examining someone's work and he just snatches it from us while we were still looking at it. Another day, I was waiting in line to talk to the teacher, and he just butts in. He boasts that he works out and watches his diet when it doesn't even show (whenever he lifts his arms up, his shirt goes up, giving us all an eyeful of his torso area... ahhhh). So yeah. Now I feel mean for saying all this but it's true.


I am proud to say I know how to work a scroll saw- from taking the blade out to controlling and maneuvering the machine. Yay. I really like the bandsaw though.. it's my favourite although it's extremely loud and just the other day, our neighbour sliced a part of her finger and had to go to the hospital. It gives a lot of control though.

I think this following passage explains some of the feminist issue and others concerning beauty.
1 corinthians 10:11-12
10Don't, by the way, read too much into the differences here between men and women. 11Neither man nor woman can go it alone or claim priority. Man was created first, as a beautiful shining reflection of God--that is true. But the head on a woman's body clearly outshines in beauty the head of her "head," her husband. 12The first woman came from man, true--but ever since then, every man comes from a woman! And since virtually everything comes from God anyway, let's quit going through these "who's first" routines.

This famous passage, translated into the Message, is always a constant reminder especially for someone like me who is so driven by aesthetic beauty. Matthew 6:
27"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? 28All this time and money wasted on fashion--do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, 29but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best--dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them...33Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.


Another reason for my decision to go into fashion and sustainability is because I've read so many passages within the bible that warns us not to 'suppress' others. I have no idea how this is going to work but when producing textiles, I'd want them from fair trade organizations.... perhaps one day visiting a third world country and setting up a factory there which pays fairly and produces organic materials. Sigh. You see, I have vision. It's just that I don't feel as if I am skilled enough to do all of this. I am also afraid that this is just something that I want, and not a God-given desire. I don't want this to be a pursuit of self interest although it is for the better good of others. I want this to be a God-given passion because then I have His blessing and can go far in this life. You see, it is so true in what the book says about women. One of their fundamental desires is to be part of some grand adventure in which they play an important role. And I want to find mine.

I was sitting here thinking about this warped perspective we have on feminism and how that if you took God out of the picture it wouldn't make sense at all. Why must females submit to their male counterparts? Then it just clicked to me. Nothing makes sense without God (as you wrote, Andrew). So now it makes perfect sense in some warped way. So how can one explain this to a non christian? How can a non christian say 'take god out of the issue and argue it."?... but you can't! Because He is the answer. The argument would have no reason for existing if God did not exist in the argument. It's like a house of cards.
You know what scares me? When Jesus said that the world would hate him and as followers they would hate you too. But one of the fundamental desires of our being, is to be loved and to be accepted by the people around us.
Like yesterday, one of my roommates asked us all if we thought that prostitution should be legalized. I obviously said no. The other two said street prostitution shouldn't but if you yourself wanted to.. why not? You make good money and some people even like it. They said if you had no experience or any previous jobs and had to support yourself would you do it? If I was on the streets, I'd find a shelter or a church or some non profit organization like Urban Promise. Our world likes to think of the worst possible situation in order to argue things when in fact, there is always another way out. It's like a man saying he watches porn because he's better off like this than raping women. I read that men look at pornography, not because of the sex, but for the reaffirmation of his masculinity. Interesting point.

So the world works to oppose the ways things were pre-ordained.

Pro-choice vs pro-life
Independent, strong, manly women vs interdependent, 'traditional' women
Sex before marriage vs. sex within marriage
Body and mind are separate vs. body and mind unification
Homosexuality vs. heterosexuality
Profanity vs. purity
Outer beauty vs inner beauty

And the list goes on.

Yesterday I felt so happy at night while I was making all my massive albums... looking through all my photo cds and remembering all these things that have passed. Wow I was one talented artist. lol. I was just looking at all the things I made for people the past few years. Look at what I've become. Kinda sad.
So now my roomie Bonnie is building her entire essay on the three points with the book Captivating. I told allie the three points and she was like 'that's so true!'. So everyone should now read it.
Haha I'm trying to learn bits of Japanese so if I ever go back, I'd be able to get my words across to them. My classmates writes down little phrases for me. I told Veronica that "I'm learning how to speak Japanese!" and she said "Learn your own language first!". Ouch. hahhaha. I thought that was pretty funny.

I love making people things or buying- mostly making. I live for those few seconds when they open the gift to see what it is. That's all I really want out of the gift- to see that moment of utter surprise and delight. That's why I spend hours and hours upon thinking of what to do and how to make it. I keep process journals of the things I make and photos of the before and after. Even if it were invitations to a party I was hosting... I find invitations is the first element that draws someone to come- a creative invitation intrigues the person to have the desire to see more.
However it sucks when people don't react.. AHEM TANIA. After I stressed over that miniature dream room.... (I got so stressed that I got my period early... which has never happened to me even at exams and whatnot.. I was freaking out the day of the party to get it finished). And the Phoenix Suns game tickets that I saved since gr10 to buy. No reaction at all! Or very little of it at least.
But it's sad that I dont have the time to create things for people anymore- at least people who would appreciate them. I feel sometimes it's just put away and forgotten. Sometimes buying things for people is better because you have less of an emotional attachment and connection to the gift. I literally took that miniature dream room everywhere starting from October when I first bought it. I took it to the Metropolitan Hotel where we had a fancy family dinner with cousins and I was painting the quotes on the side using the water in my teacup. Hahaha... That clay desk took me over 10 hours because it wouldn't fit into the box and it kept falling apart. I installed hardwood floor just like a basketball court and varnished it several time and gave it a gloss finish. I found a telescope at the miniature shop because I remembered the letter she once wrote that in her dream house, she'd have a telescope to see the stars. I know, I'm a little kooky. See I'm a good ENFP. :P I can relate to people well.

Okay I have to sleep. I gotta go to the shop to cut wood on the machines. I'm scared that I'd slice my finger off each time. :(

in living colour

So today I uploaded a ton of pictures into Imagestation so you can take whatever you like. From now on, I'll try to upload them all there so I don't get nagged all the time. Wow now my life is not only in words but in visuals. Lol. So if someone I didn't know was reading this- now that's really creepy.

TALL vs. short people

I initially asked Bonnie if she'd ever date someone who was shorter than her and she told me it depends on the other factors. Lol. I asked her if she meant whether or not he was ugly or whatever. She said only an inch or two difference. If he had the most wonderful blinding personality though.
Well then it gravitated to this thing we both read (she did an essay on it) about tall and short people. I read that tall people on average make $789 more than short people per month or something.. can't remember. The study also showed that tall people are more confident and tend to do better in the workplace because people literally look up to you. As salesmen, people are more likely to believe what you say. At first, when I read it, I thought it was the silliest notion ever but now come to think of it, it's quite true.
I also read another study that if education and experience are factored out, more physically attractive people earn 5% more than those who are plainer. How sad.
Oh boo... my comment link option has disappeared with this new layout.

blog and bad news

Whoohoo. Go new face. Didn't recognize it did you at first? Hahha... The tiling on the Masquerade one was pissing me off so I've changed. I did however, like the whiteness and blank space in the other one. Oh well. For this one I had to change the text colour because it was almost the same shade as the background. I checked the html colour numbers on google. So proud of myself. Hahaha. Btw, this is Jessica Stam (no I didn't make the layout), a Canadian model. Yes, Canadian. :P I'm not hosting these pictures so as soon as the bandwidth goes haywire or she takes down the images, I am swapping again. Hahaha... which may be very soon.
On the sadder note, my mom called me to tell me how much my violin was (doing essay on its production and consumption) and she told me that she was at Sunnybrook Hospital with my dad the whole afternoon. He woke up and he couldn't see through one eye.. It was like a film of stuff over it (reminded me of Paul/Saul and his scales) and it was painful whenever he blinked. Turns out he has a lot of pressure in his eye and some cells fell off which caused the pain. His cornea could detach any moment. So he went to hospital where they said he didn't need any laser surgery but has to come back in two weeks. Then perhaps I may have to take the plane home and they won't come. :( He had so much eyedrops in his eye, my mom had to lead him everywhere because he can't see. I wonder if it's hereditary. So pray for my dad.
I think that's the worst thing that I could lose actually. I'd rather be deaf than blind. I rather be able to see than to be mute/dumb. For me, especially for what I do, I feel so connected and appreciative of life because of the things I see.
Hm... gonna shower. I don't have many thoughts today. I was watching the news and felt like crying for the people in the Philippines and the mineworkers in I-forgot-where. I think it was partially spurned on by the news of my dad. I did however, finish a ton of work today.

canadian cracks, foreign films, and just for you

"What's your thing called again... a doodle?"
"You mean a looney???"

Allie: Oh Sam and I went to Blockbuster to return her foreign film dvds
Liz: Were they Canadian?

My roommates are so funny. Allie just said "Dirk makes me sick". LOL.

Ok now I've got my albums public so if I ever took pictures that I never gave you guys.. there you go. Search 'samster12' under 'members'.

There's something about foreign films that draws me towards them. Though the plots are extremely different from Hollywood: they don't really make it easy for the viewer to understand. Rather it is about the symbolism and imagery and the small details that make up such a foreign film whereas the American audience likes everything served straight up plain and simple- nothing you have to think or ponder about you know? Like many of the movies I saw were not really understandable and didn't take my breath away but there's so much profoundness in the way they film the lives of ordinary people doing ordinary things. They make their supposed dull and quiet lives poetic and beautiful. Such as Zhou Yu's Train starring Gong Li.. there's something wonderful about how they show her on the train, sitting there glancing out the window. There's something wonderful about how Vivian Wu painted so many men in calligraphy- just seeing the chinese brush poised in mid air bloated with black ink. There's something magical about the way she curls up in her bathtub and hearing the water softly lapping the sides of the basin. See I never go out finishing a foreign film and being totally in awe of the story itself but I go out in life and appreciate the smallest sound and detail from the sound of the subway running along the tracks to the quiet jingling of costume jewelry. I'm addicted to foreign films- they play up your senses rather than just entertainment. It's so true.

I wish I knew Chinese calligraphy.

So today after church (talked about marriage.. I think it makes more sense now the book because as a couple, each has to make a sacrifice of themself so they can both grow... it is no longer the 'I' but more of the 'we'... he also said the reason why God does not want us to yoke with nonbelievers is because believers have experienced the highest form of love from God- that is agape love. And if you have experienced the 'best' love, and your mate who is a non believer has not, then how you love each other would be unbalanced and there is more take than give for the believer.) no one was home so I basically set up a little workstation on my bed and switched on my Memoirs soundtrack so I didn't need earphones and made a canopy with my scarf over the ugly iron tracks of the bed above and had a good time hanging around. Hahaha... Didn't get much work done today but did get to take some good macro shots of random stuff I had lying around. Kinda pathetic. It was nice to have some time alone though.

Tania, I just read your entry and it breaks my heart that you think of all those things. To me you are the most wonderful person that I have ever met: your loyalty and sheer selflessness never ceases to amaze me. Do not worry about what others think of you. I mean everyone does to a certain extent but don't let that hinder you from building relationships. You and I and everyone else around you knows you're incredibly talented, smart and have a lot of potential to do something great for the environment in the future. Yet you are beautiful inside and out and I hope you'll see that every time look in the mirror.
Remember Bridget Jones' Diary? One of my favourite scenes was when Colin Firth and Bridget Jones were cooking and her friends came over for a birthday dinner and they made a toast at the end to Bridget 'To whom we love, just as she is.'. And it makes me cry every time because I feel so happy for her that though she is 'fat', clumsy, and inarticulate, she has three wonderful friends who love her for who she is. Not any skinnier, prettier or more confident but how she was created.
I love you just as you are. Though we clash like every other day, you make me smile every time. See your incredible passion for the environment has rubbed off on me. Your willingness to try something new, makes me happy- from trying clothes that I pick for you (hahahaha) to allowing me design your prom dress (so much fun) to painting your room.
For whoever becomes your boyfriend/husband one day, to him I say, he is one of the luckiest men in the world because he chose someone who is so full of life, passion, energy and most of all- love and never short of it. Tania, you may not be what society calls 'beautiful' but in my eyes, you're lovely as you are. Hahah.. remember when we had grade 10 history together and we had to write that final paper? I got higher than you and I was so full of glee because to me, you were the smartest person. Hahh. I know it sounds bad but come on, sometimes I need to feel proud that I beat a genius. hahaha... just like in scrabble this past Christmas.
I've never included you in my art. I've done Julia a couple of times, Bonnie, Vanessa, Chantel, Sarah, Sarah B, Lois, Mitch, Alice etc... the reason, as I have probably told you before, is not because I think you're ugly whereas everyone else is beautiful but because you're so close to my heart, that I can't find anything to create that is worthy of 'representing' you. That's why I painted you and I as Sam and Frodo in that specific painting because you know how much I love LOTR. And that was the most detailed part of my painting too.
Tania, you are so important in my life. You have not faded at all. Far from that. You know that if I ever do find a significant other, he'd first have to love God, my family and last but definitely not least, you. Okay well not love, but like/get along. Lol. You get my jist.
Don't ever think for a second you are not worth anything to anyone. I love you so much Tania, you are the greatest friend I have ever known.

LOL. I switched on the tv to the All Star NBA 'game' and we were watching the 3-point shootout when Allie mentioned how much she liked Dirk Nowitzki and it just so happened he was on- and won. She says he was dreamy (lol me and bonnie think he looks like a monster and yao ming looks like frankenstein) and now she has made a collage of him and her whole desktop is a tiled layout of his face. Really creepy. Hahaha... We found this picture of him drunk and he looks really stupid.
Anyway, Kitty messaged me today with this story. I told it to Bonnie and she said it's so sad that we have to tell these stories to ourselves to make ourselves feel better. hahah:

a little story for you.. ms sexy samm : )
Woman are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. "

But it does make sense in terms of the book I am reading now.
I'm so tired already. And I woke up at 12:10 too. Did some homework and went to the gym and burned 320.4 calories. Haha. But I feel as if I wasted a day. Bonnie gave me a pedicure so now my toes are burgundy and we watched Back to the Future, Who Killed Roger Rabbit and Toy Story 2 (my favourite line: You cannot rush art!). I also got my hair thinned: it was annoying me.
So tomorrow I shall work on my essay and 2d and 3d.. probably won't be able to get that much done though. Sigh. A lot of projects due this week and I feel like I've been wasting time.

I've realized that being the only roomie who is an older sibling really does show through our actions. Compared to them, I am more maternal and exert more parental behaviour such as giving medication and reminding them to get up or do homework.

There's something about heels that gives a person confidence when they walk. I think it's because you're forced to stand up straight and you're given an extra few inches to your height. As bad as they are for your feet, they're a confidence booster. They also make you exercise other leg muscles. Okay I know they're bad in general for your knees and such.

Have you ever been told you look like some famous person and some kind of animal? My art friends have always said I resembled a horse and that I looked like Liv Tyler (because we both have long faces and full lips). Yay, Arwen!

Okay must sleep now.

The Walk, The Birthday, The Balloons, The Body, The Singles, The Lip Enhancers

So today Allie and I wandered around Soho, Meatpacking District and Chelsea.. It started off with me wanting to go to this little store called 'Darling' and Allie decided to join me. We ended up going to the Meatpacking District to see the shops but they were all pricey but beautiful nevertheless. The wind was horrendous today, blowing up everything- must have been at least 50 mph. We ended up wandering on Bleeker to look at more shops. We were standing around Ralph Lauren when we saw a taxi stop a few shops away and Amanda Bynes and two of her friends came out. We ended up looking inside the store to see them. I felt like a stalker. I would not have known it was her unless Allie pointed it out. Awesome. We headed to a Starbucks where we took a coffee/hot chocolate break from the cold and headed back home. It was a nice day, just really windy.
So I'm trying to plan my birthday (yes already.. haha) since it is my first birthday in Manhattan. Hm. It's on a Friday and still a school day. I want to miss that class! It's my LAST CLASS. School ends on may 15. Dumb. Allie and I already were talking about going to Nobu (expensive japanese restaurant) for dinner. However I know they probably will not want to spend that much... well we'll see. There are many beautiful restaurants in New York. I just want to go to a really nice one. I told Allie, as soon as I turn 21, I am going to Lotus. She got really excited and asked me "to get all drunk?". Lol. No, just to take pictures of the interiors. She was pretty disappointed. When I find some alcoholic beverage I like, I will then proceed to drink- but not to the point of drunkeness.

HAHA. Best thing happened today! Actually this will make us sound like druggies taking hits of heroine or something.. but as I mentioned in my previous post, Stacy had bought us four HELIUM balloons. hehee.. so what did we do? Sat in a circle and sucked the life out of those balloons. Omg, it's the funniest thing ever. I laughed till tears streaked down my face. We sang 'Maria' from the Sound of Music... laughter is really funny when you're on helium. But after sucking the air, you get a taste of the innards of the balloon. Kind of nasty actually. I can still remember it. I just remember guys doing it at Candy Carnival back in RHCBC and I wanted to know what if felt like and how I'd sound. And I sound pretty darn funny especially when I laugh. Hahaha... We were kinda afraid because Liz told us that she heard a story of a girl who did it and her lung popped or something.. anyway.... All you could hear from our room was "Take another hit Liz! Suck it real hard! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee". :P

Have you really studied the shape of your body? How the subtle curves and juts make a bigger picture? After studying closely, I've noticed one side of my waist is really curved inward while the other is kind of straight. I must have been doing a contrapposto pose too much on my right leg that my waist has just caved in there. Hahaha.. I've also noticed my right ankle tapers in more than my left- making my right leg thinner than the other. And I have a half double eyelid on one eye whereas the other, is a full double eyelid. I am so asymmetrical. Not good.

I admire single women. Not just any single women but those who are happy being single. I think that's a really difficult thing to 'do'. As taken from 'Captivating', God placed the curse on the Eve to always have this desire to be under her husband and for someone to fill that 'hole' in her heart. And since Paul wrote that those who are single, have the gift of being single, well I think that's a very hard role to take upon. And particularly women because of the consequences of Eve's actions. So that means those who have the gift, must first fill their heart and focus on God (not saying that married ones don't) and be happy despite all secular world might say to them. I don't know if I make any sense here.. it makes sense in my head. And that's not a good place to look into either.

I have monday off! Presidents Day! Yay.

I was catching up on my magazine reading which I have not done in ages.. but since we moved our bed next to the window, I have placed a light so now I can read in bed.. so comfy.. I'm just really self conscious now because people from across the building can see every move I make. I read this article on those new supposedly 'lip plumping' lipglosses that have 'collagen' in them. They sting your lips and make them look bigger. Well I tried Bonnie's once and it just stings... I don't really need any more cushion on mine since mine are full as they are. Anyway the writer mentioned that the stuff they put in the glosses can be found in Viagra... that grossed me out. I don't know if she was kidding but I hope she was. I bought one for Vanessa because she requested it for Christmas. It was called Lip Venom. Collagen injections are gross.. I heard they can start gathering together and you'd need it surgerically removed. Yuck.

Sen5es

Touch
I'm not a fan of whole wheat or multi grain breads. My favourite has always been Japanese milk bread. When I came back for Christmas, I always went with my mom to the plaza with the old Richmond Court and Saigon Star where there was a Chinese bakery. I love pressing my finger through the bag into the soft, silky shallow body of a fresh baked loaf- white as snow- and watch as my finger sunk in leaving an imprint.

Taste
Mangoes- one of my favourite fruits. The golden flesh dripping in its own nectar- bursts with sweet flavour on the tongue.

Sound
What can be more beautiful than the sound of water? From the merest trickle from spring's first coming to the bathing woman in her porcelain tub in which the foamy water stirs ever so slightly to the rushing waves as they cascade over the sand.

Smell
Children have heightened sense of smell. As a child, I used to love the scent of paper. But not just any paper. Every time I'd open a book, I'd put my nose to it and inhale that musky fragrance.

Sight
Light never ceases to mystify me. Observe an object and notice that the shadows are never solid and are ever so changing even so slight on the surface. Reflected light mesmerizes me, in which the object glows. Light creates mood- candles for a romantic dinner, the winter sun casting cold hues onto the surface of the window sill.

Feminism, Photos, Trust, and Cousins

So I've started the Mark of a Man. When I first heard of the book, I thought it was some book for males- naturally.
So according to the book, femininity has been distorted and twisted into a sexless society where everyone is deemed a 'person'. Rather being proud of being a female, everyone tries to hide it. Yet God, being the master of distinctions, created everything different: light vs darkness, night vs day, oceans vs land, marine life vs land animals, plants that live on earth vs plants that dwell in bodies of water.. so is it possible that males were supposed to be built and wired totally different from females? Did God create males to be physically stronger (hm I wonder if then, are women mentally stronger? Just wondering. I mean, we do need an upper edge and I'd rather be mentally stronger than physically. Or maybe just emotionally...). Yet in the end, both man and woman were created in His image.
So if this distinction can be settled upon, how about in terms of race? Are Asians in general, smarter academically? Africans and black people physically stronger and taller? I know because of the Tower of Babel, people were divided and everyone went on their own way... so perhaps we evolved naturally? Or perhaps it's from our culture. My intellectual capacity is not that deep.

I think it would be interesting to have a female president though. Women are in fact more relational than men. Then perhaps we wouldn't be wasting so much time having these trivial wars and building up ties between countries instead of breaking them down.

Sometimes I feel so naturally driven. Right now I'm feeling driven to graduate from the IDC program and gain a name within the fashion industry as a environmental fashion designer. Then I look at my life now- making shoes (and one broke... ergh) and having to tolerate another 3d project and I just feel tired. Yet still, something inside of me is telling me I am going to do something great in this life. But saying this casts a small shadow of doubt from the fear of failing and I'm scared, when I look back on life, I'd laugh at myself for having that courage in the first place to make such a bold statement.

So I've made my own Imagestation photo album thing.. so if I ever take pictures, I'll try to upload all the images on there for everyone (I know everyone has been bugging me). The only pictures that I won't put on there, are my own art pictures which go to my deviantart account. If you want to see images, go to imagestation.com and type in samster12. Had fun writing up little captions.. as you can see I am procrastinating against standing on my shoes.

I remember this quote I once read in the paper,
"Touch is about trust, allowing someone to care for you"
Not going to explain why.
People usually are one or the other: extremely trusting at a very early stage in a relationship, or very wary about letting their walls down to let others in. Rarely do I find a person who is somewhat inbetween. I myself, am quite trusting even in young relationships. However I know that Tania was the polar opposite and it took a bit of time before she did open up to me.

Everyone at Parsons is so sensitive: oh art kids. I just read an essay last week for my writing course in which the author said it would be scary if artists and designers ran the world. Amen to that.

After looking at all my old photographs, I must agree with Grace, good looks do run in my family (at least in my dad's side). I remember as a kid, following my older cousins because I admired them so. I'd follow Grace and Grace would follow Tammy when we visited Hong Kong.
I remember before our trip to San Francisco/Mexican Cruise for the wedding of my cousin Louisa (which was extremely lavish), I dreaded going. I've always felt inferior to my other cousins (I am the youngest of the girls or at least one of them). All of them are successful: schooling in Yale, Cornell, med schools in Chicago, UCLA, Queens etc. But that wasn't really it, it was more like I felt intimidated because of their physical appearance- they're all tall, athletic, beautifully chiseled features and usually with a boyfriend (I only have one other older male cousin called Eugene. Very good looking but not quite photogenic). They're all beautiful. And I feel inferior when I'm with them. And being the youngest, I feel kind of stupid. I always feel stupid or feel as if someone is trying to show me how stupid I am. I feel like this when people start talking about:
-math/science and all those theories and equations (mostly whenever I return back to Canada)
-psychology and philosophical whatnots

I know it may all sound kind of silly yet I still look at it that way- as if they all look down on me. I know my cousin who lives in NY, is very skeptical about the fashion industry and thinks if I go into it, I'll be working with a bunch of airheads.
However on my mom's side, which is a lot smaller in size, I feel as if they're more down to earth- more intimate and closer. Perhaps it's because I spend more time with them. I love my cousins to death. I remember as little kids, our Saturday gatherings, eating grandma's scrambled eggs with tomatoes and playing at the rock garden.
The funny thing about my dad's side are all the aunts and uncles and how they interact in their oh-so chinese way... whenever my cousins acquire a boyfriend, it becomes global news: from HK to LA to SF to Toronto to NY. And I remember when Steve, Melissa's boyfriend, was introduced to the huge family at our wedding reunion... a huge circle of abouut 25+ people all saying their names.. Grace and I felt so bad for him. Even worse, Louisa's husband-to-be couldn't enter the house on the wedding day unless he performed a certain number of tasks: including listing all nine brothers (my uncles plus my dad) in order and by name. Lol. He was really good. I can't even name all my aunts and uncles and cousins. Advice from Grace: do not mention about a significant one within the family because it will get around. Unless you're Eugene who has had numerous girlfriends and none of us have ever heard or met of any of them. Oh my quirky family.

Anyway I ought to test my shoe.. I pray they don't collapse under my weight.

Valentine's Day

So I don't have a boyfriend.
God sent me 34 red and white roses.

Fine, it was a raffle that my roommate entered us all into and it just so happened that they called me yesterday to tell me that I won. Lol. Except it was supposed to be a dozen but today I received 17 white roses and 17 red ones. They're really pretty and I plan to take macro digital shots in the natural light tomorrow. :P. Art nerd yes. I'd like to think they were heaven sent. :P

Anyway so I gave everyone chocolate today. I myself received a huge heart cookie with red icing and sprinkles from a guy who likes to hang around our room (cookies from his mom sent from Ohio), a large helium heart balloon from Stacy (so sweet of her), the 34 roses and a really funny Valentine card from allie with a picture of me making a really hysterical face the other day when she was taking pictures of me and bonnie for her movie stills (about me as a girl who becomes obsessed with my roommate and eventually ends up killing her. lol). Man, we just took our balloons and took 'family' pictures with them. So funny.

Yes so today was a good one. :) Rather than from one person, I received all this from multiple people: candy, cards, emails, balloons and flowers. I feel so loved. :P

Lois wrote me a long email just two days ago just to say hi and to tell me how much she misses hanging out, recalling memories and telling me how much of a friend I was back in high school. Aw that made my day. :)

Falling in and out

What can I say? Falling in love is one of the most beautiful things in the world but when it is not reciprocated, it is the worst.
I think that is why I choose to run instead and not get close to anyone for fear of the latter happening.
I find it hard to understand how one chooses to love rather than falling in and out of it as if you had no control over it (christian vs. secular world perspective).
Sigh.

Music, Music, Music

Listening to: Mr Brightside, The Killers
Crash and Burn, Savage Garden
Everything, Lifehouse
I Bruise Easily, Natasha Beddingfield
Colours of the Wind, Pocahontas
Nicotine and Gravy, Beck

I just really love the first song. I think it just reminds me of Hong Kong and sitting on the bed in my cousin's room with the air condition blasting icy cold air, reading and listening to this song. It's a very uplifting song as old as it is.

My skin is like a map,
where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks,
but it's not a negative thing
So I lay down my guard,
drop my defenses,
down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall,
with no safety net,
to cushion the blow
I bruise easily,
so be gentle when you handle me
There's a mark you leave,
like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me
Underneath I bruise easily, I bruise easily

I like the lyrics to this song a lot.

Anyway I finished Titanic and the only part that I felt like 'crying' was when the musicians were playing their last song. It was sad to see so many people die.

I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies

So poetic. I like the visual imagery. :P
Today I had to literally fight to get to church. We had two feet of snow today and you know New York, the snowplowers suck and aren't efficient at all. When I stepped outside today, I felt like Lucy who had just stepped into Narnia. It was quiet and white and still. For some reason, the card machine would not let me swipe through to get to the train which frustrated me because I had to walk another block to get to another side of the station. And none of the sidewalks were shovelled. When I came back, I took a lot of pictures. It gets really windy in New York and when I was trudging to church, the snowflakes felt like little sparks of fire on my face.

So today our church launched a four part series called 'Desperate Sex Lives: Roommates, Bad Dates, Great Mates'. It's a play on the show 'Desperate Housewives'. We have two pastors and one was telling us that men think about sex every seven seconds and right now, the other pastor was thinking about it for the past hour.... uh...
Anyway today a girl started to talk to me. She was extremely nice, warm and friendly- one of those people you're just naturally drawn to. I found out she was a Growth group leader however she leads a women's college group that's all the way on 75th and riverside. So far. :( She's the first person who I've had a real conversation with. Really sad. I hope to see more of her.
An interesting point came up that contrary to society's belief that the mind and body are seperate (due to Plato and Descartes), the mind and body was created as a unit. He said that we usually elevate the mind over the body (puritanism) or the body over the mind (hedonism, prostitution). Yeah that's it. The other stuff was more basic.

Shallow, snide thought: Bonnie is always telling me about this japanese guy in her class who has a beautiful face (fine, chiseled features) and this korean girl (who all of us think is mean and not that pretty) is always with him (who also likes him). I wonder why all the meaner girls have boyfriends: stuck up, cold girls. ANYWAY.

Ugh my roommates friend is annoying me. She keeps saying she has too many pairs of shoes (15) and that she needs to get rid of some but wants to buy more.. she NEEDS to buy another pair from J. Crew and one from Steve Madden and it pisses me off. It's not jealousy.

Wow Valentine's Day is this Tuesday.. what shall I do? I love having an excuse to make people happy. Haha. I was standing in Anthropologie's sales section looking at their discounted stuff... I was thinking of buying three green velveteen photo albums and printing pics of my roomies and I and placing them into the book. Or I was thinking of taking all the songs we love, and compile them into a cd for each of them, including songs that Liz has sung (record on camera). Or I'd do something boring like getting them a card or flowers but I know they want a boyfriend, and it'll seem like a pity present. I like the cd idea since it won't cost that much and I have most of the songs.... But I don't have that time either. Maybe for the end of the year.

I'm listening to one of the songs from Ever After called Fable (techno song but really beautiful and reminiscent). It makes me sad but I love the melody. I usually hate techno but this one is a really good one.

So this is love,
Mmmmmm So this is love
So this is what makes life divine
I'm all aglow,
Mmmmmm
And now I know
The key to all heaven is mine
My heart has wings,
Mmmmmm
And I can fly
I'll touch ev'ry star in the sky
So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of
MmmmmmMmmmmm So this is love

Whenever I hear 'So this is Love' from the Cinderella soundtrack, it makes me happy. I love this song. It's only a minute long but it's so reminiscent and dreamy. It makes me feel warm inside. :)

paraphernelia

Amongst the chaos due to this Danish cartoon that has sparked controversy amongst the global community of Muslims, free speech has once again become an issue: is an individual allowed to express his or her own opinions without regard to others?
I support this thing we call 'free speech'. I fear that one day North America will try to silence the people from speaking against touchy issues such as homosexuality and deem it as 'hate crimes' especially since in Canada an act to silence those who oppose gay people is trying to be passed.
An interesting fact came up behind the Danish cartoon: they were originally going to post up a cartoon of Jesus with an erection but decided against it. And we cannot voice our opinions about homosexuality? And it has nothing to do with being homophobic. I can say with confidence, that I see more gay men than straight every day. The gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender building is just a block away from me (go down the road and cross the street, you will see a large rainbow flag hanging out).
I believe that the reasons for why they posted the cartoon was wrong. Because it was in the form of a cartoon, in which cartoons are mainly used to make people laugh (then there are those cynical editorial ones), this particular one was not funny at all. It was offensive. Also because it was in a newspaper, it would have circulated among the whole nation, mass produced to show what one agency felt about Muslims. However if it was one person's opinion, I think it would have been different.
In the end, it's all about respect and the reasons for publishing this cartoon in such a manner.

Oops it ends up the song wasn't by David Crowder (Bonnie got it wrong). It was Lifehouse which I found funny because they don't want to be called a Christian band except this song they wrote is one. It's called 'Everything' and it's probably really old, but I catch onto popular songs a lot later than the general public.
It's a special song because throughout the whole piece, it's quite mellow and subtle- which I love because we have too many noisy loud songs these days. Yet the lyrics are so wonderful. It just builds up to the finale when it does really get loud.. I guess you could say it's the chorus. It's also arranged in an interesting unconventional way in which the chorus does not repeat itself and is placed at the end. Several lines that really speak to me. Personally those quiet yet powerful songs are the most beautiful.

you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the light to my soul
you are my purpose
you're everything
and how can I stand here with you
and not be moved by it
would you tell me how could it be
any better than this
you calm the storms
and you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fold
you still my heart
when you take my breath away
would you take me in take me deeper now

and how can I stand here with you
and not be moved by it?

Anyway, it's not in my nature to post lyrics up because I know people don't read them and just scan them. But oh well, I just love that one italicized line.

No one's here. I saw three quarters of Titanic today and I think the most beautiful part (so far.. but I know what happens in the end) was the life drawing part. I remember my parents told me when it first came out, that the movie wasn't for me so I never watched it till now. So I am now de-virginized. Aw there goes my proud title. But I don't know. That scene just took my breath away, starting from when she swept the butterfly comb out of her hair (it was a closeup shot... very beautiful) to when Jack started to draw her in conte.
Life drawing is always an interesting experience. For so many years, I have always had this perception that everyone had the same kind of body as I did (for women that is).. but in grade 11, we were introduced to the world of nudes in which every type of body was splayed out for all of us to see, examine and draw. I love drawing fat women.. there's more to draw- those soft subtle curves. Arms are never drawn linear. There is always a soft curve somewhere if you look hard enough. And as Jack does, I love hands. I love watching them, how they are positioned and how the fingers curl. Maybe it's because I love my own hands.. one of the features that I actually love about myself- my alien-like bony fingers. To me, they look like any other hands but I've noticed ever since I was in gr2, my parent's friends would ask me if I played the piano, and to my puzzlement, I'd reply no. As a kid I'd make little hand gestures and pretend one hand was some kind of creature and the other, another creature and they'd interact. Hahaha.
Now to let you into a little secret of mine. you can tell if I'm nervous if I start making hand gestures. If I do seminars and get nervous, I start waving my hands around. That's how I let out nervous energy and I guess it's good sometimes. :P Now I know people will use this against me.
Anyway back to life drawing. I never knew that a torso could slope in to show a pronounced define line. I never knew that breasts could be so different on each person. I never knew waists and hips could have such different definitions. When you look at people's drawings, they look anatomically uncorrect but when you compare it with the model, it looks right because every person is scaled differently. You know why that is? I think it's because we've become so used to fashion proportions: people with perfect symmetrical bodies with all the right curves. I think I've grown so used to seeing those people, when I study nudes, they look really weird and almost alienish.
So to all those who don't study bodies like I do, they do not look like those in the magazines. It took me this long to realize how each one is so unique. Don't be like me, and get accustomed to those in magazines and on billboards.
It was incredibly sensual and beautiful.
I just want to watch that scene again.

When the women were gathered to have tea in one of the scenes, I saw a three tiered platter being pushed on the cart in the hazy background and exclaimed 'high tea!'. She's never heard of it before so I'm going to take her one day because I know she'll love it- with the old english history and her love for beautiful things.

But for now, I shall just sit here and do work. I think I'm the only one who doesn't have a life here. Everyone goes out and parties and drinks and I'm just here all the time in my room.

A Not So Good Day: post #2

Today we were discussing the news and different perspectives and Michael made a good point,
"Honestly speaking, I don't follow the news. I don't read the paper, and I don't watch the news. I know it sounds really bad but I'd rather be focusing on my immediate world.. such as problems with my parents or sister and help those. I feel like I have a bigger impact on those around me rather than just knowing the news. Whatever is in my world, I will try to help those people."

I think that's somewhat true. There is so many 'current events' I just can't catch up and I tire. Information travels too fast.

I can never say I had a bad or horrible day. It's not in my nature to think so because I always feel as if it could have been worse. So today was a Not So Good Day.

How can I stand here with you, and not be moved by You?

Bonnie just gave me a cd full of random rock songs and one of them was a David Crowder song and it's really good. I think someone sang it at RHCBC once or I heard it from someone. But it's really touching.

I despise alcohol. I'm sorry but after that one experience, I cannot stand when people drink in my room even if it's just a bit of beer. Yet as mean as this sounds, I feel satisfied when people drink beer over wine because beer has so many calories in it. I just associate beer with big bellied old men. It's bitterness.

The one thing I truly want to do NOW is curl up in my bed and cry. That's all. I just want to be able to feel again. I don't just want these hot tears that sting.

I feel like I know no one.

And I am no one.

What has this all become? This empty shell in its dark expanse of skin. Round and round I go, to what point? Tirelessly working to be rewarded with another challenge harder than the one before. Where are the friends when you need someone to comfort you and to hold you. This icy layer crackling at the first sight of dawn. My cold shoulder tense with pain- I long for words uttered in love and hope. I want to feel You. I want you near me. Steal my heart away.

You know what I want but can't seem to get? To be so in love with God. I can't seem to make myself any better. I know I need him to do so but nevertheless.

I feel so alone. Please do not be misguided. This is not some art emo angst post. I dislike it when people view artists as all brooding, over emotional people who always moan about how their life sucks and how no one loves them and how no one understands them. Just as I cannot comprehend as much science and math as many other people can, they in turn, cannot understand the depth of art and how we 'think' differently. I wanted to refrain from writing something like this but honestly I can't. And sometimes I question my transparency on my blog and whether or not it is wise to reveal so much about myself on this thing which has replaced my diary. I feel like I've lost that sense of mystery. I hate this balancing act.

Tonight I was supposed to get Drawing fundamentals, 2d design and start my essay all done tonight. But I'm too sad right now to start my essay. What I really want to do is run to bonnie for a hug.
I want to find peace.

Right now I just feel overwhelmed with sorrow. That's it. That describes what I'm feeling right now. I just want to coccoon myself in swathes of blankets.

I wish I could be free of everyone. I want to be free of you. Of everyone.

Sometimes I just want to write random poems that come from my subconscious.

Sometimes I just want to do something to inflict pain upon myself. Not physically but emotionally. I feel as if I want to hurt myself in such a way, that I would never love again. I think in this sadness, I have become numb and callous. I ask because I know the answer. I know it will hurt me, yet I am so willing to hear it, eagerly lapping up the thorns.

Let the tears run. They run free across my bare skin- staining my face and neck- flowing forth weaving into the jets of hot water, spiraling down the drain and into the night.

writings of the subconscious: post 1

We were told to write stuff from our subconscious as well as doodle pictures.. I came up with the oddest sentences. Here they are:

Globalization at its finest
The space is dying
Cherry coke in a glass slipper
Bottle up lakes. Turn them into reservoirs
Nature must be contained- controlled. The lawns to the rich. Paved gold brick roads
And its colourful plummage must be spoiled with tar and oil. It shall be suppressed, and beauty shall be extracted, its skins and carcasses tossed to the side- skeletons of humanity. (I drew a parrot saying all this.. hahha)
Yet we want to be like them when the skins breathed and lived. Our flying machines are the feathers
What we are trying to protect, we are destroying
A melting pot of visceral blur. A cauldron of thoughts

Ugh. donna karan's show is at 4 today and I want to go but have no one to go with. :( I heard at the Parsons fashion building, they give away free tickets. dang dang dang!

I want to be 21. At least for places here. I don't care about drinking, I just want to go into these clubs with the most wonderful interiors: Marquee, Bed, Home, Butter and Lotus. It annoys me to see that I can own an apartment, drive, vote and live entirely on my own and not be able to drink (as I said before, that is not the reason I want to be 21). This summer I am planning on getting an internship or job in nyc and renting an apartment and perhaps get my G in toronto. I think someone needs to lower the drinking age here. I know it sounds really trivial but logically speaking, if you can decide who you want to be the next political leader, drive on highways with everyone else on the road, live by yourself, be your own 'legal guardian'- then why is alcohol not permitted? It depresses me that I can't go to Olympus Fashion Week and places around new york.

Nothingness

Listening to: Only One, Yellow Card (best song ever but overplayed it. It's the only song I like from them so far)

It appears that so many people I know, have found their 'passion'.
Bonnie is passionate about Disney.
Tania is passionate about the environment and basketball
Julia is passionate about dance and modelling and New York City
Sam C. is passionate for God (in which I admire) and linguistics/teaching

Although some of the things above may seem trivial, the love for that particular thing spreads like wildfire when one person tells another. I think I've said this before, but Bonnie adores Disney. The best day of her life was when she got to enter private buildings where they housed original art from old animation films. And when she speaks of Disney, she gets excited, and something about how she describes Disney, draws everyone in. And that is what I want. To be so in love and enthralled in something, and having the ability to rub it off on people. My biggest fear is taking a wrong step. See, this thing I am doing at Parsons, I'm afraid that it's a 'twisted' sort of passion... like I dont know everything about the industry and I'm afraid that when I start studying it, it would lose that sense of magic and mystery and become dull and boring. I lose interest in things easily. I go crazy about something (ask tania) and then it dies down. Such an ENFP I am.
If I don't succeed here, I want to study photography. Or writing. One thing I love, is to write. However only when it comes to writing the things I want to talk about... more personal things. So I guess that's gotta go out the window in terms of careers.

I guess my love for personal 'deep' conversations is reflected in the way I take my photographs.
I love close up shots... like REALLY close up- capturing the texture and light/shadows of the object. I recently had to do a series of photographs on 'implied motion' so I took pictures of Bonnie with a mascara brush, about to apply lip gloss, abou to put on fake eyelashes.. and they turned out beautifully.. that tension and space between the instrument and a body part. I find close up shots draws a person in more just because we don't usually see life in that kind of 'lens'. Up close and personal: that's how I like my relationships to be.
Anyway I showed my digital design teacher the images, and he loved them: said they 'sexy' (which I found just a tad creepy?). So now I have to take more shots.

We are told to put God first in our life because we love him. But what if we don't love him to begin with. We are told to follow and obey his commands because we love him. But can we follow and obey his commands to find love in him? I dont know. We are told to do things out of our love for him. But what if you don't find that much 'love' in the first place? Or the discipline. I struggle with disciplining myself with devos. I don't want to rely on Christian books like Captivating to feed me information. And I've seen so many Christians fall... and it's discouraging to see that- especially those you remember being deeply committed to God. Like a good friend of mine in HK... we went church hunting and ended up at this canadian/chinese church together. When we parted ways, we kept in touch but slowly drifted. However she sent her friends a mass email and in the email she wrote 'fuck'. So I emailed her back to question her choice of diction and she told me that through hardships, she became discouraged, and doubted the existence of God.
And then there was this guy who I was friends with in Island School. I had planted the seed, and someone else watered it and harvested (according to his testimony to me). Well now I found out he's gay and off in Japan somewhere.
It's discouraging to find good friends fall away from God.
All three of my roommates have done so too. perhaps not Allie but Liz and Bonnie especially considering one was a pastor's daughter and the other a passionate Christian who slowly stopped going to church.
It's discouraging when people claim to be Christian and swear and bad mouth people... and there seems to be a lot of those around.

I forgot where I read this from, but there was a quote that went 'Going through crisis isn't hard. That's easy. It's the everyday life that pulls you down'. Oh yes I remember. I got it from 'Captivating'. Isn't it true? Parsons is making me really tired. I counted... five more weeks until Spring Break. Well I have been here for three weeks now so it shouldn't be so bad right?

Oh I remember glancing over the reading list at our church and one I could see was titled 'WANT TO WALK ON WATER?' and I was thinking "yes!" and in fine print it said "then get out of the boat". Touche.

randomness

Ugh I feel so gross and fat right now... nuts, half a Milky Way tart from the bakery where Liz works (really good).. yesterday we were all snacking on pints of ice cream- me with hazelnut gelato and we were watching 'Meet Joe Black' with Brad Pitt in it (and discussing about how odd his shoulder was because he's so muscular it looks odd.. it juts out). Yeah so now I'm on a downward spiral to becoming a piece of blubber. Caf food does not help either.

Anyway I thought this was pretty neat. Heads up to our Tim Gunn (seen on Project Runway),

On Feb. 3, Parsons fashion chair Tim Gunn received a humanitarian award on behalf of Parsons from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) for the school's trailblazing work with PETA educating students about the use of non-animal-derived materials in fashion design. Graduating students designed a runway collection that debuted at the 2005 Parsons Benefit and Fashion Show. This year, PETA is working with junior–year students on a similar collection, under the mentorship of designer Marc Bouwer. Gunn was presented with the award by Parsons alumna Yeohlee Teng.

I've fallen in love with old animation disney movies. I think it has something to do with returning back to my childhood and the little desires we had to be a princess -or to realize we were some maid turned princess. It's all nostalgia and wistfulness. Anyway, after watching so many this is what my roommates and I have concluded,
-Prince Philip is the hottest prince out of all of them (I think we've gotten desperate. haha)
-Cinderella's prince is so passive that he doesn't even bother going out himself to find who fits the shoe.. lazy.
-Prince Philip's cape is awesome
-Milificent, the antagonist of Sleeping Beauty, is awesome
-Aurora is the most gorgeous princess except she has a weird singing voice for a 16 year old
-Pocahontas is the strongest out of all of them
-Pocahontas songs are the best (overall)
-They got their cultures mixed up in Mulan (geisha look?)

Yeah.. I think I shall retire for bed early tonight.

lethargy

Reply to: casting100@gmail.comDate: 2006-02-04, 11:43AM EST

Seeking dyed blond Asians for W shoot. Must be available between saturday February 4 and Sunday February 11. Please email headshot to: casting100@gmail.com

** You do not need to be a model, we will consider anyone with an interesting look**
Job location is Manhattan

It crossed our minds to do it. I mean how many times do you see people ask for Asian girls? Except I'd only dye it if I knew they'd use me. Haha.

Not getting any work done... grrrr...

I bought Beauty and the Beast on dvd!

a letter to a friend

If you can't take emotion, expression, visual language, vulnerability, honesty... then I suggest you stop reading here. It is not for you. I have noticed through looking at others, people who have spent time on this world have become cynical and sarcastic and hard to honest words. They can handle gore, violence, vulgarity and slander but not real expression.

It's not sap, it's the truth.

Those who are cynical and fear love, call it sap.

Those who have realized what love is and are connected with one's self, call it honesty and encouragement.

__________________________________________________________________

you probably are fast asleep in your bed right now as I type this but oh well. I'm working on my idc paper... well attempting. Everyone is asleep except drew and liz are still out. Whenever I hear 'Hope You Dance', it makes me sad. I don't know why.. perhaps because I listen to 97.3 easy rock and it's always on and I associate it with Toronto and the car and it makes me miss what life was before. Of course the lyrics are very inspirational. Unlike many people, I think that I truly do have that gift of a neverending sense of awe and wonder. You know me, I'm so easily amused. 'I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean'- I feel small even when I stare out into the sky and see a plane whooshing by... where are they going? Who is in there? Did they travel far? It makes me feel small when I see all the stars and I can't begin to comprehend how great our universe is.
The song reminds me of driving up onto our garage at my house during the fall when the leaves are ruby red. I don't know why... it reminds me of my after school art lessons.
'Never settle for the path of least resistance'- when do I ever do that? -_-. I feel like all my life, I've been taking chances.. I'm not sure if it was by choice or if it was destined to be so. I guess it's a mix of both. I wanted to go to Parsons but then again the Toronto design schools suck.
I don't know. This whole Christmas holiday.. I didn't do anything eventful or grand like Michael who was playing scrabbble with his best friend and got a call from his best Kate Spade client to a rooftop party where they could see the fireworks on new years eve but it was just nice to 'return' back to normal just for a bit. I think that's how you cherish something- when you know it will not last, you hold onto it tightly so long the memory is still there. We enjoy things more when we know it's only temporary. Isn't that sad? I wish we could physically put our most precious things into a beautiful jewelry box. Mine would be filled with beautiful memories- spun in gold and amber, clouds of frothy tulle and cream and embroidered with glass beads, seed pearls and iridescent leaves. Thoughts and memories of you- your smile and crescent eyes, the sprinkle of cinnamon freckles, the silly giddy laugh. Oh how I miss you. That glass drop of crystal- the memory of our oakville trip with its beautiful blue skies and ice cream. And that silk embroidered apricot- the memory of the gr 11 surprise party you held me. And this sapphire globe- the memory of going to the park and it rained on us while we ran back. And here is the crushed velvet heart- the memory of the visits to get your prom dress. And one that is of a gold twig with ruby berries- the memory of redecorating your room in its 'Bahama Blue' and new desk furniture which we got from ikea.. you had to squish on the floor because the supplies wouldn't fit into your Mercedes. And there is the goblet out of feathers and taffeta- the memory of our bike rides around Mill Pond. Wonderful memories weren't they? And yet that chapter of our lives have closed and here we are in the midst of a new one- one that is much darker and harder. We struggle with a new independence, a new setting, different people and new issues. We- just like the soldiers in 'The Battle' dramatic poetry reading we did in gr10- have our backs bent fighting against everything that is trying to break us down. It reminds me of Forrest Gump and Bubba sitting back to back looking out for one another. You encompass the perfect friend: someone to have fun with (yes.. scrabble. how nerdy), someone to call on the time of need (when I did bad on my world issues test, you and dor were there) and to share a secret with.
I remember the night you told me about your car crash.. I remember just being very numb and too tired to react from flying back from wherever I was... California? Now looking back, I've realized how stupid I've been. If something to have happened and you had died, we'd never have those memories- nothing for me to save and cherish. You don't realize what you have, until He reveals what can be lost.
As I write this letter to you, I don't know if these tears are from joy or sorrow or regret or thanskgiving but I'm just so grateful to you. Your sheer loyalty and unselfishness amazes me- I guess partially because you are an INFP or whatever but nevertheless unlike this ENFP who likes to jump around from person to person. You've shown me that I can be happy with one friendship.
Although I can't say what will happen in the future- perhaps you'll move here, or I move back or you go abroad to do some volunteering or me going on an exchange for a semester in europe, I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me- when I feel small,and alone- you've always been there to hoist me back up. I know you're stressed over the Otesha thing and just trying to juggle your workload and roommate all at once, crumpling from this heavy burden, but I hope, as you have told me, that you will dance. And I will be there right beside you.

my smile is cracking.

Blogging twice in a day. How sad.
Claustrophobia has gotten to me. I need my own apartment. Yet I feel so alone.
Listening to 'Beautiful' -James Blunt
'Hope You Dance' -Leeann Womack

I miss Toronto. I miss my welcoming orange room. I miss being able to get away from everyone when I want to. I miss driving around the familiar roads. I miss listening to the radio.

I remember when I got back to Toronto, I loved looking across the vast Canadian sky and being able to see the faint silhouettes of trees shrouded in fog. It's beautiful. It's so mysterious. I always look across the land and wonder what it would be like to be there.

I want to be able to cry. I want to be able to get angry. I want to scream. I don't want to smile, laugh or anything here. I feel like a zombie. I can't suppress this and always smile for my roommates. The tears sting. I've never had this problem before- expressing myself in front of others but when you need to be considerate and patient to three other people, it's hard to appear happy all the time. I've never encountered such a problem before.. I've never had issues with expressing myself (except when I was younger). But I feel bad for pulling my roommates' mood down so I just smile.... smile smile smile. When I frown and they see, I smile to reassure everything is fine. I don't want to tell them that I don't like it when her boyfriend visits every other weekend. I don't want to tell them to stop talking about clothes and makeup because homework is more important (that's how they procrastinate). I don't want to tell them to stop cheating on homework and shirking away from it. I don't want to tell them I hate it when they drink in the room. I don't want to tell them to stop listening to music without earphones because I listen to my music with plugs so they don't have to listen to it. But all these things, I want to tell them. And it hurts. A mask? Yes but not like all the others.
I've realized what it is now... this inability to express my concerns and emotions in front of my roommates. I don't want to bother them or burden them but it's taking an emotional toll on me. It's hard to live with three people in a tiny room. I'm considered a nerd here... honestly, I can think of all the people back at home, they'd laugh because I'm the least nerdy among that bunch.

Something that my cousin told me a while ago, stuck to me. While I was at Kingston, I ended up cleaning her entire room (I figured that I'd become a housekeeper if everything fails at Parsons) and I decided that she needed some graphic art on her walls. So I ended up buying a couple of magazines and cutting and pasting these images on boards to make some abstract design. She mentioned that even when I'm on holiday, I create art. She, as a life sci major, does not do biology or anything sciency things for fun during her breaks. Which is so true. Art is such an intrinsic part of my being, that it comes naturally when I feel inspired- not from school.. not from assignments.. not when teachers tell me to. But when I want to- even when I'm on my Christmas holiday. It's not work for me, it's how I express myself.. to show others in some physical form, my thoughts and loves and desires to help other people. While you science majors solve formulas, I make things. And how hard it is.
I remember Andrew mentioning that us Parsons kids have to know so much about pretty much everything. and I was thinking, yeah, that is pretty true. We have to know carpentry, how to build shoes out of paper without tape or glue when called to do so within a week, cut plexiglass, draw with charcoal, conte, pencil with still life and nude models, know art history, paint, manipulate wire to create a hand, be able to write a paper, use adobe photoshop, in design, bridge, illustrator... I'm disappointed with my shoe. It's lost its transparency- lost among shapes. It's ugly and I spent so much time on it. This is what I hate about art. You can never tell how many hours one works on a piece and then when one presents it, it gets shot down. That's the worst part about being an artist.

Sometimes I feel like all the work I've done goes to waste when I see other people cheating... like people swapping homework. It makes me want to cry. Why do they deserve a good mark when they did less work and I had worked so hard on something and got the exact same mark? It just seems so unfair. For 3D design, in ever project we do, I feel like I can fail the course any moment because everything is trial and error. I don't know how I survived the past semester. The shoe has been the hardest so far. Later we have to make a portable thing that can transform into somethign else (ie a backpack into a chair.. ugh). All I know is that God has played such a great role in my 'success'. Every time I finished a 3d project, I just thank god for helping me. I know without him, I would not have passed that freaking course with a B+ (C is average. I despise the letter grade system). God has remained faithful.

Who else looks at lingerie during lectures like I do?

'All my life you made me believe I was only worth when someone would pay for me.

But Christian loves me. He loves me, Harold. He loves me

And that is worth everything.'

I just love how she said it in the movie. It's nothing really that profound but it was so passionate.

So I visited the internship fair. There were a ton of people lining up at the Coach booth. I will probably go to Careers Service to find an internship. I was reading this email and they had internships at Vogue, Christian Louboutin for PR etc. Imagine working at a place my friends like to purchase stuff.. funny. Like Abercrombie and Fitch and American Eagle. Yeah right. I think I need a portfolio now because everyone was showing work... except I have no work to show from Parsons. -_-.

So I've made my shoe/sandal minus the strap. It can hold my weight with certain pressure and at a certain place. Ohwell. It looks ugly now. I'm disappointed. I probably spent 20 hours on it this weekend and a few days.

I'm so tired these days... I feel so physically and mentally drained from all the work that has been thrust upon us.

I know I can be successful in the industry. My problem is is that I am uncertain and afraid of rejection- just like how I emailed the lady for an internship at the fashion week, not expecting them to email me back- and I freaked out. I lack confidence especially when I haven't had any real 'fashion/retail/design' experience before.
However I don't see why I cannot put volunteer stuff into my resume. It is experience. The christmas masquerade dinner was one of the most challenging things I had executed (well not anymore considering what projects we have in 3D design). The worst part of the job was when karen kept insisting that I take the 'pedestals' off the heads and I did it because I lacked in confidence and was afraid that something would set on fire. I remember becoming extremely angry because that took so much time- to figure out how to stuff and balance these gigantic heads with my mom and dad and buying all this stuff and trying different methods and painting cups and everything. Sigh. I can never stand by my art and fight for what it's worth- unless it's something so beautiful that I could just shut the critics out.

Every conceivable objects of Nature and Art will soon scale off its surface for us. Men will hunt all curious, beautiful grand objects as they hunt cattle in South America, for their skins, and leave the carcasses as of little worth. -Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
I think that's so true concerning the world of design- we create (more like recycle old ideas) something -say some kind of clothes trend- and we extract and drain everything out of it until it is exhausted. And then we gravitate to the next. Some essay I was reading in critical reading and writing, the author said that design has become a marketing tool and the success of marketing is derived from disposability. We create something pleasurable- a lasting impression- and then we tire and seek for something new.

I really like to write... although my grammar sucks and everything. Unlike everyone I know at my school so far, I am the only one who really loves to write. I guess artists like images over words. I found it was so funny today because we were looking at a Victoria Secret ad of this woman bursting out of this pink bra and undies in high heels and talking about the sex appeal it exudes. Hahaha. I think I will never be able to experience life as a normal college student like everyone else (who studies microbiology at lectures). Instead of talking about how these cells do this and whatnot, we talk about analyzing the design of a purse/ipod/razor etc.

True beauty really does thrive under confidence and a healthy self esteem. I struggle and try to find beauty within all the wrong places. I can't help comparing, measuring myself up and it makes me feel good when I think myself more attractive than the person next to me or a friend's friend. I know it's bad but at least I know it. Anyway, I went to Anthropologie and Urban Outfitters today after class because I was so tired and just ended up walking in rounds watching people look at clothes (people watching..). It's as if every woman is looking for the next piece of clothing to make them 'beautiful'. I don't know what I'm driving at. I've realized that if there is no self-love, that we end up looking in all the wrong places: clothes, relationships, exercise to somehow reassure ourselves that we are beautiful. We all, deep down inside of us, know that what makes someone attractive, is their personality and character. But this is one of the hardest things to 'change'/improve and our unwillingness or laziness to do so, makes us fall back to our old habits of finding a quick beauty fix within cosmetics and clothes.
I think I am slowly beginning to understand what it means to love one's self first before loving others. Sorry if this makes no sense because I can't think as well with moulin rouge playing in my head.
I just want to retreat into my own space (impossible) and get away from everyone. Yet I want a connection.