Adjusting to university is so hard... it's like high school minus the parents. I feel like crying all the time. But God has been so gracious. We ordered a sedan which would not have been able to carry all our stuff but because of the flood, we got a van. I was able to sit comfortably. The next day, we did not get lost from Jersey City to my dorm (when we got lost going to Jersey City). We took the tunnel on a week day rush hour and there was no traffic (while when we returned to new jersey on a sunday, it was jam packed). When we arrived we weren't sure if there was going to a parking area or if we'd have to pay. But when we got there, there was one space a couple of houses away from my dorm. On top of that, I got there first and got to choose the bed, dresser and wardrobe of my choice.

But it's been hard. Really hard. I miss my parents so much.

Could it be that I was meant to go to Parsons? I wonder if God was just wanted me to try and make my own (university) decisions instead of relying on other people. I remembered praying to Him and asking Him which one I should go to. I told Him if one university paid for half of my tuition for the first, I'd go there.

Well that didn't really happen. I got my Pratt scholarship of $36,000 for four years. That was only $9000. Not $20,000.

Well when I got to the financial aid office to get an update on my FAFSA the following day, this is what I received:

Fall and Spring Terms
Parsons BFA Scholarship: $9950
University Scholars Award: $1500
Federal Pell Grant: $1300
Fed Supplemental Grant: $500
Fed Workstudy Program: $2000
Federal Perkins Laon: $2000
Federal Sub Stafford Loan: $2625
PS UG Dean's Scholarship: $2000

Total: $21,875

Which is basically half of my tuition plus housing. God has been so gracious. And on top of that, I have a wonderful set of parents who did so many things for me. I love them to bits.

Everyone has been so overwhelmingly kind for the past month and I'm so grateful for what everyone has done for me whether financially, presents or just the gift of time. I wish I could thank every one of you in person but since I am leaving tomorrow I just want to write down what everyone has done so I can remember when I look back at this. This will be a testimony of the care and love of all my wonderful friends and family.

My parents: hm. everything. my expensive tuition/housing fees and helping me pack and get ready so I can adjust easier.

Tania: everything yet again. scrapbook, letters, spending time with me.

Lois and Steph: for the adorable heartfelt cards and the funny photo frame.

Mitch: for the encouraging card and gifts of jewelry and ornament.

The Tse family: for inviting me for a sleepover and spoiling me and my stomach and buying and giving me more than I deserve.

Auntie Fenny: for the beautifully wrapped present, lai see and prayers.

Andrew: for the bubble tea (wait you owed me anyway) and just spending time talking.

Grace: for the present and letter which I am supposed to open when I get there.

AY crew: just for being there and making me laugh hysterically.

Dor: for being such a good friend and sending me an e-card.

Julia: for giving me such a wonderful and thoughtful belated b day/ farewell gift.

The UN Crew: just for the laughs and bad movies (except for Elizabeth)

Raps Crew: for just hanging out and having fun (last minute fun of course)

I've been so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. You guys mean the world to me. Right now I'm feeling extremely frightened and anxious and getting teary every other second. I just want to remember how it feels now to be on the verge of moving so that I can look back and remember how God has been gracious.. as He has been for so many years of moving and adjusting.
The song 'Breakaway' fits in so perfectly with what I am feeling:

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly.
I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky.
Make a wish, take a chance, Make a change, and break away.
Out of the darkness and into the sun.
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, Make a change, and break away

Au revoir.

I dreamt last night that someone had planted a bomb inside my body and I had no idea when it would explode.

My interpretation of this dream is the countdown of days till my move to New York... I kind of want to go just to get all this anxiety and worry over... to relieve myself of this whole 4,3,2,1... I'm really nervous right now.

I'm finding it extremely difficult to say goodbye to everyone. This is the part I hate the most.

Everyone has been so kind to me. I appreciate all that everyone has done.

All I can think about is fashion. Fashion fashion fashion. Sleep, breathe, eat it... okay well maybe not eat it but you get the point. I love it. Yet I despise it at the same time.
Firstly I dislike 'posers' and wannabes. I hate the whole American Eagle= 'cool'. Or Guess bags= ultimate brand for purses (when we clearly all know Coach reigns supreme over crappy fake Louis's.. who like LV bags nowadays. They're so ugly and bland.hahaha..). I despise the standardized look: short miniskirt, flip flops or flats and a Guess bag.
I was standing in line at walmart today to buy my desk lamp and there was this girl clearly trying to show me how cool and pretty she was. She stands behind me then comes up and stands right in front of me with her swingy white mini skirt and guess bag.. then goes behind again and starts talking loudly on her cell phone. I hate girls who think they're so cool because they look like everyone else. I hate it when girls walk around school so proudly wearing that typical brown American Eagle t shirt that I've seen at least on a dozen other ladies -as if they're the only one who has it. 'Oh look at me I'm wearing something from American Eagle.. I can afford AE!'. That goes for Hollister and Abercrombie too. I don't really care if someone buys something from those shops because they simply like it for it's design and cut.. I buy pants from AE but they're not emblazoned with a logo on it... I just don't like how people buy things to advertise a brand.
I remember I used to do that though.. I bought a purse from Guess because it was Guess... and a Roxy hoodie because- well- it was from Roxy. Roxy equates to cool n'est-ce pas? Anyway I don't mind it when people follow trends just that they spend so much money following a seasonal fad. I have friends splurging on a peasant skirt for $80 when it'll soon be left in the corner of the closet by the time the next summer rolls around. As for myself, I have an orange one (yay I like the colour) which I got for $20 at Winners. And I think mine is better just because it's a bright orange and not brown. Haha. will I wear it next year? Perhaps just because it's so floaty. I want to go to those weird little shops and get things that are different. I want to get those one of a kind items and not mass produced.

I read that the secondest biggest time for retailers is back to school shopping which I find mostly completely unnecessary. We buy things to make school sound more appealing... since school is equated with doom and gloom.. to make ourselves feel better, we go back to school shopping as a type of consolation.. I can't believe some girls wait for school to start and see what everyone else is wearing so they can buy the same things too. This year I'm not going to Staples to buy supplies.. gonna hunt them down in my house because we buy new packsof paper every year and it just gets lost amongst the stacks.... same with pens and pencils and everything. I'm gonna use my old binders. But I will have to get a laptop and stuff this year.

To my dearest best friend. I'll miss you more than anything. Wear the eggplant coloured shirt! I love you.

Random ramble-on post that means virtually nothing in the end.

The greatest post ever that I read on the Teen Vogue forum underneath 'fashion'. Now I'm ashamed to be associated with Vogue readers.

here, here, unapologetic. you just can't buy gorgeous clothes at target, duh! i am so thankful i have the $ to shop at barneys. i don't know why people who can't afford fashionable clothes are on this forum. seriously, if you can't afford the good stuff put the money you do have into one good pair of jean and shoes and stop thinking about fashion -- you can't afford to! Buying the wannabe clothes that are a bad copy of last season trends is just pathetic. i have a lot more respect for people who don't try at all.

Then some girls chide her for saying such snobbish things and that those girls who can dress and look good for half the price (vintage, mass produced brands) are probably smarter than those who wear head to toe designer. She replies by saying:

what a joke. the rare vintage find aside, you'd have to be a fool to have not noticed the correlation between a higher quality (including cut, design, fabric etc) and a higher price tag. but hey, if you think you look good in mass merchandise that was copied from designs of seasons past and watered down for the lowest common denominator then enjoy the delusion & your bad taste.

I cannot believe there are people actually out there who are so stuck up and who are able to buy such expensive things as such a young age.. then again...
I for myself, can be associated with these kinds of people: those who love upscale clothing and other unnecessary items. But first of all, my collection of 'semi designer to designer' stuff is quite limited: a pair of Coach gloves that has the brand tag cut in half (therefore immediately the item is reduced.. which is funny cuz you can't see it unless you flip the glove inside out. But it's all about the brand), a Fendi shirt (which is see-through.. plus I cut the label off so it's probably worth nothing now.. but who sews a ginormous label onto the back of a gauzy-like shirt?), a pair of Burberry sunglasses (at 50% discount. The only item I really have that I didn't damage or bought as a damaged good. the stupid thing is, is that they keep sliding off the bridge of my nose.. not good in HK weather where you sweat a lot), a Kate Spade bag, Lulu Guinness wallet and my beloved Coach bag with keychain. Oh yeah, and my Coach scarf which I got on sale. haha.. I think cuz there was a tiny dot of bleach on it.
My downfall is that I always want more stuff... if I had the money, I think in the future I would splurge on a fancy coat or something. The thing that sets me apart from these people, is that I've recognized the fact that I should stop wanting so much stuff and that these things are only a temporary high and satisfaction. These girls live in this little bubble where it seems that their life revolves around their little red Porsche that they got on their sixteenth birthday, impressing friends with a quilted Chanel bag and dressing in brand names. For me, I'm trying to not spend too much money on expensive designer things although I'm always tempted to.. okay fine, maybe it's because I did that all in HK.. but since I'm going to uni, I'd like to learn to manage my own meagre funds. I should also write down my homework and stuff in uni from now on (time to get a Coach agenda... kidding!).
I enjoy the good quality goods.. even more so if they were handmade. But I think dressing in one designer (or several) is just dull. Dull, bland, boring, uncreative, unartistic. Hahaha I am a strong believer in Winners, vintage shops, second hand shops, quirky random shops, handmade stuff from small towns, market shops... I'm kinda tired of hearing the word Chanel and gucci. It's hurting my ears.

An item I want is an Hermes scarf. Something I'd like to buy in the future. A $320 US silk scarf in a signature orange box wrapped in a chocolate brown ribbon. I want to have one of those revolving things like the ones at the store.. they stretch the scarf by its four corners onto this machine and it slowly rotates the entire scarf... it looks like an art piece on display. I really want to buy one and just frame it. HAHA. I want to design prints for scarves. I know I'm quirky. I think I should just be normal and wear it like everyone else.

I hate the word 'fashion'.. well despise.. for the time being that is. It's so fickle, cliche and fake.

Haha tania.. the best thing that happened today on our shopping trip at Markville: the lady who stopped me to ask where the nearest Coach store was since I was holding my Coach carrier bag. HAHA. :P You know you love me. :P I love you too.

The worst feeling in the world is the feeling of your throat tightening and closing up.


Whenever that happens to me, it happens because I have to say goodbye to someone. It tightens so I can't breathe. Not only that, there is the fight to suppress hot tears that prickle the eyes.

I don't understand why the world won't let you cry. Is crying such a bad thing? Does it make you look like a wuss? A softy? A crybaby? 'Be strong' it says. Blah blah blah. So expressing emotion is a negative thing reserved for the weak?

I finally found this song I've been searching for for quite some time. I heard it on the radio again which compelled me to search Google again. It's such an old song:

"The Rose" -Bette Midler
Some say love, it is a river that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,and you its only seed.
It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin' that never learns to live.
When the night has been too lonely and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows lies the seed
that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose.

Ipods are overrated. People just get them because everyone else has them. Oh wait it's because of the 'space' you get with it. The 4 gigs. Like as if anyone needs 4 gigs worth of songs. Then again it is the epitome of all mp3 players.

Airplanes are a symbolic 'thing' to me.... whenever I look up in the Toronto sky and see the tiny speck of an Air Canada passenger plane fly by, I feel so grounded... as if that plane is the symbol of freedom; to be able to travel to places far and beyond. However when I am in the place of the traveler, I feel imprisoned in the air compressed metal capsule- chained to the seat.

Random thoughts.

I'm so scared of university.... adjusting to three new roommates who may be completely different from me... adjusting to a new church and actually having to muster the initiative to commute there every Sunday.... the classes (crappy wednesday schedule).. new friends.. most of the biggest adjustment would be leaving my best friend behind. I feel an overwhelming sadness as the day looms and hovers, creeping closer and closer. August 1 is now long gone and dead.