Christians, Mothers, Moulin Rouge & Basketball

It often surprises me why people call themselves Christians when they're clearly not. I remember reading one of Paul's letters to the Church that it is worse for a person to announce his sins, turn away from Christ and then become a Christian the second time around. It is like crucifying Him twice. Hm. But anyway one of my roommates decided to go to church again today (not saying it's bad) but when another asked her what religion she was, she said "christian".
Anyway today I went to back to my church. And I've realized how many people I knew in RHCBC compared to here. It makes me sad.
My mom wants me to sign up for another Growth Group again. They last until April and study a particular book once a week. And one of the groups featured on there was a Women's college group that was studying the book 'Captivating'. Haha. I thought that was pretty funny. However I'd have to commute to the Lower East Side every Wednesday night. Sigh. I had already given up on these group things. But I don't know.
My mother asked me the past week if I read other people's blogs. I said yes and she said but there are so many people, you'd have to spend a long time reading and commenting. I just laughed.
I have been watching Moulin Rouge since 2:30. It's now 10pm. I haven't watched the entire movie. I've been watching clips of different songs. I have seen the last 'Come What May' twenty times because I like the twist they give to it- minor key and a tinge of sadness ('come back to me, and forgive everything') . I must have seen Roxanne fifteen times at least by now. I love that scene- it's so passionate and it gives me and my roomie shivers. Lol. We enjoy the most minute little things in films and life. We are all captivated by that dull sound when one bites into a piece of cold dark chocolate (we've all just sat there once hearing Bonnie bite into a piece. hahaha). We love that part of Roxanne when Satine takes her glove off (a one second clip) since it goes well with the music. I've noticed in the finale of the musical, when they sing 'Come What May', Christian sings 'my gift is my song' (his solo) with Satine who sings 'One Day I'll Fly Away' (her solo in the earlier part of the film). I noticed that when she first makes her appearance in the film, they foreshadow her death by showing a flash of her dying in the last scene (did you ever notice that? hahaha). I don't think I'll ever cease to marvel the most random things on earth. If the sound of chocolate impresses me, then I think I could live a long life of wonder. Anyway, I think Moulin Rouge is a genius movie: a musical about (as bonnie noted) a prostitute and a poor writer. The music fits in and the actors can actually sing (which makes me 'hate' them even more... unlike phantom of the opera where the phantom can't sing). The costumes are absolutely stunning and there are some interesting parts that just throw the whole movie off (gun hitting the eiffel tower, the couple dancing in a miniaturized paris, the green fairy). Sigh. :) I love all the songs.... maybe I should just purchase the soundtrack. hm..
I'm pretty happy because so far my shoe is coming out 'quite' well. I have stood on it- it still shakes and bends to one side but I'm not done either. This whole project is trial and error (I hate that method). I'd rather write an essay- kind of.
I think one of the most difficult job is the role of a mother. You want to protect your child from the tears, the pain, the sorrow and loneliness in this world but eventually you'll have to let go. You want your child to take upon the morals and beliefs that you have chosen but you have no control of that either. A mother sacrifices many dreams, stores it in her drawers for her children (taken from Peter Pan though it pertained to the father). She wants to give the best- her best so that her children will grow up to be the best. She wants to lavish them with love, and when they hurt, encourage and comfort them. She wants to show love but knows she must show discipline- even though it's painful. She wants to keep them in her nest, yet knows she must let them take flight and experience life apart from her. She must understand that as much as she wants to hold them, she needs to let go.
My roommate are pretty astonished that I know 'so much' (we're talking relatively) basketball. When I started babbling about Kobe's 81 points the other day and Liz and Allie gave me the oddest look ever. Today a Houston/Miami game was on and I mentioned Dwayne Wade was on, and Allie turned to look and up popped his name, she was pretty amused. Of course I know nothing compared to *certain* individuals. You know who you are.
Yay Ewan McGregor makes me happy (well his singing).

drunkeness

I hate it when people get drunk. They become complete idiots:
one roommate and her friend drank three 40's (they're huge!). Yuck.
I am so disgusted when people get drunk.
They brought back a wonky, unstable desk shelf thing which slides to the right. It shakes. It looks like something from Alice in Wonderland. They also brought in a huge roll of bright orange construction netting. What the heck are we going to do with that. And it's dirty.

But the weather was glorious today (although it does signify how bad our environment has become). It was balmy and cool and just absolutely wonderful. The sun was shining and the sky was blue blue blue. Bonnie and I walked to the MET (well took a sub too) to do art history. Yum. I loved today.

The Wonderful World of Disney

As artists who have ADD, bonnie and allie decided to watch a movie and we ended up watching Sleeping Beauty while 'doing homework'.
And when the Tchaikovsky music came on (theme song), I felt like a little girl again. As Bonnie mentioned she wanted to be 'rescued' just like she was by Prince Philip.
Why are they always princesses and not queens? Because that means more in terms of advancement? haha.
Why are the wicked female characters beautiful? Take Milificent for example- the antagonist of the story. She's pretty cool except her yellow eyes and greenish grey skin. Then again Ursula and the wicked stepsisters weren't.. I don't know.
I enjoy watching those classic disney movies with the relatively primitive animation: nothing like Finding Nemo and the Incredibles. Classic, flat illustrations done on a watercolour background with the characters on a transparency which is then laid on top of the background and shot. Crazy isn't it how meticulous animations were.
Anyway, I'm so sleepy. tomorrow is a day to go to the Metropolitan Museum (MET) with Bonnie to get a dumb art history assignment done.. ergghhhh. and to figure out how to make a shoe. It must:
-be at least three inches tall
-made without glue or tape
-withstand my weight of 127lbs (I am going to starve myself now so I won't crush the shoe.. haha)
-be pretty from all sides. cannot be dense. must have some pattern

Sigh. I'm so stressed out about this project as well as my digital. I need help. I need physics. hahaha. Time to read book again. I wrote my essay today though.

Lion King and the Negative Aspects of our Consumption

I saw Lion King today. It was very spontaneous (oh that answers another ENFP question o' mine.. haha one of my roomies is an ENFP too! Ai yah. I sent it to all of them) and we bought the tickets the night before. Being cheap, we got the $50 and sat way up in the balcony (like Sprite zone at the top). But the costumes and the set design were absolutely stunning and amazing. The floor could open up and produce a spiral staircase and slant and curl and move up and down it was insane. When they first sang 'Circle of Life' the intro song, me and Bonnie had tears in our eyes. Hahahahaha. The giraffes are so cool. After the show we decided to mull around Times Square a little longer and headed to Cold Stone for ice cream (you pick a flavour and add whatever you want and they mix it on a marble slab like a salad).

When I was wathcing the musical, I noticed how close it could be to represent our relationship with Christ. Of course it is not an exact symbolic representation of the bible but there are some similar things. We do things against our father's will (like simba wandering to the elephant graveyard and his dad had to rescue him) and then eventually through our misbehaviour, the father dies (Though he never really resurrects but whatever). We run away far from our sins only to be found again (this time by nahla or whatever his future lioness becomes.. which reminded me of the book Captivated in which the woman inspires the man to become driven just like simba was being driven by nahla) and must face satan/'scar' and obtain our rightful place in the kingdom of heaven (the king). Yeah as I was saying, don't take this one too seriously. It just occured to me when they kept telling Simba he was the true king.

So I was looking up jobs in New York within the art and design realm and there are a billion. I ended up emailing a company who wanted interns for the upcoming New York Olympus Fashion Week and I really want to get in so that would require helping them. :P And then I discovered a toronto version of craigs list but they only have about five design jobs per day. How disappointing. As I have said, Toronto's design world will not grow unless the government does something or some miracle happens.

Today at critical reading and writing, our teacher asked me where I came from- if I came from Toronto and I was really confused. So I ended up saying "I was born in chicago, moved to toronto, then moved to hong kong, moved back to toronto and now I'm here". I heard the girl behind me go "wow". I wish I had that talent of being able to adjust to a place very quickly. Then I would not be afraid to move anywhere in this world. Well my teacher then asked where I wanted to live. I answered "perhaps new york but maybe toronto or hong kong". But really, in my heart of hearts, I'd like to stay in Toronto where my family and beautiful friends are. But there is no future there :(

Today I was walking to the bank and to the shop to order my coursepack, the wind blowing on my face and hair, cars honking at one another to the bustle of city life...and I felt so independent for some odd reason. I feel detached from the rest of the world, detached from friends back in Toronto (my normal, quiet life) and detached from my family (no one to rule over me). It occured to me, if I really wanted to, I could smoke pot or drink or go to that club that Allie and Liz goes to do get drugs and get high. Obviously, I would not do such things. But the other night when I was coming back from the airport, the Romanian taxi driver struck up some conversation with me and I found out he wanted to send his 17 year old son to Montreal to learn how to play professional hockey. I told him I was from Toronto and came to New York to study. He ended up asking "Your parents actually let you move to new york by yourself?" I said "they trust me". He's worried that his son is going to party and take advantage of his freedom. But honestly, I'm not going to abuse that. I am here to study and soak up culture and find a way to make a difference in this world.

Back to critical reading and writing class, we were talking about ethical issues in the design world and our teacher pointed out that we buy and buy and buy more clothes that are not necessary. Someone said that you should just 'give it to the Salvation Army'. I was just sitting there and it occured to me that just 'dumping your clothes at Value Village' can have even more horrendous effects on third world countries. What we westerners think that solves our problem of recycling clothing and giving it to 'the poor' actually has quite devastating effects. How? Well first the secondhand clothing industry is a multi million dollar business. First clothes are sorted into different categories. Vintage dealers, buyers and high end used clothing sellers come and snatch up all the good stuff first. Then they are sorted according to their function and its condition. All plain t shirts with some minor repair are sent to third world countries where people buy and sell 'dead man's clothing' (they can't believe us westerners would throw away such clothes in such a good condition so the only time they would think anyone would give those up was when they died). This causes the people to rely on imported American clothes and cripples their traditional local textile factories from getting started and running. See? I can't wait till our last unit on ethical issues of design. I have so many things to say. He asked me what the bad effects about consumerism is today or something like that based on this barbie doll he brought. I was so dumbfounded by the question because I had a million answers in my head. I ended up saying, "if you said the doll was made in China, then I can tell you the Chinese government has very few regulations on the factories that produce them so they dump all their chemicals into the river, from which the people drink from which causes cancers, birth defects etc." An example would be the Yuanghe river (I think that's what it's called. Can't remember anymore from gr 12) Then I wanted to talk about the animals and how they'd be affected and the people who make them under poor conditions and those americans who lost their jobs from outsourcing etc. but I got too lost in my own thoughts to say anything coherent and articulate. He asked us what are the most important things that you should think about as a designer and the girl behind me said "the cost of production and its quality". Is that really it? I think artists have been too brainwashed to think that "art has no cost therefore do anything you can do achieve such results". But we've never really considered the social and environmental implications of such an ideology.

Haha that's it for today!

Weights and Personality Tests

They're all on diets. Starting from today after all the cupcakes are finished (except one because I only ate one out of 30 and they've all had 4 in two days.. strange, when I got back, I haven't really had a sugar craving. I must be cured!). They're trying to make me eat it so I'd remove the temptation from their sight. Hahah. That's been one of the New Year's Resolution: eat healthy and lose weight. Sigh.
I used to have somewhat of an obsession with weight and everything (all of a sudden I feel like I've said this all before and I probably have but me too tired to think of something profound.. I told you this room psychologically crushes me) but now I've come to terms with my body (more like I gave up on trying to change it. :P). When I was 14 or 15, I was determined to drop ten pounds and began to walk with my mom every day and swim once a week and tried to eat more vegetables and when I came home after school, I'd give up my afternoon snack (usually consisting of cookies or some sugary goodness). My goal was to be 110 pounds.
Well anyway, the most hardcore fitness stuff that I've done was all pre-Thanksgiving when Allie and I would go to the Y two to four times a week staying for at least an hour on the treadmills (3.5/6 miles at an incline of 15 degrees). Once we went for two hours and I felt like fainting after because I hadn't had dinner before (yeah stupid idea. felt very dizzy. I crammed california rolls into my mouth after).
However my mom has mentioned occasionally that I shouldn't have baby fat around my stomach anymore which makes me feel self-conscious. I'm so used to sucking it in now, it's pathetic. If I could change one part of my physical being, it'd probably be that. Or having perfect vision. Or flawless skin. Hm. :P

Anyway another New Years resolution that my roommates made was to be more like me (aren't I flattered). To have better work ethics- do homework and don't procrastinate and having a normal sleeping pattern (instead of staying up really late and going to class and sleeping in the afternoon living on Aderall and coffee). I was very happy. But I know it would never happen. I'm actually very proud of my work habits-most of the time.

Anyway I did that 'What Age Are You?' test again after I found Angie's site. I was so bored during the holidays that I did numerous blog ones. The results said I act and think like a 24 year old. Er I don't remember what I got last time. I think it was 20.

I feel very glum right now- borderlining on cranky. I just want to curl up and sleep if I only had the ability to sleep anywhere at anytime- kinda like my dad....

Well Chinese New Year is coming up- the first time that I will not celebrate with my family. And of course, there will be a celebration at Chinatown (because New Yorkers just want any excuse to party it up). The following week, Allie's friend is coming to stay for a few days because they want something called a Scorpion Bowl or something which is a combination of three hard liquers. Wonderful. I don't understand why people like to smoke when they clearly know it's bad for them. I don't understand why people want to drink themselves silly. I've currently shut out my roommates and have been sitting at the comp for quite some time. Not feeling very happy today. I just keep listening to the Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven because it fits with my mood so perfectly.

Last Sunday when Fu Ming asked us when we last experienced wonder, the first thing I thought of was the day before when I saw my tree. Then I thought of Sunday morning when I woke up to my sunlit tangerine room. It makes me happy whenever I wake up to a room full of sunshine. So I guess that didn't really apply to me. But I really like his sermons and he's very relatable.

These are a few things that have stood out and are freakishly 'very me' as an ENFP personality type:

-An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. (of course hence the solo walks around my neighborhood armed with a camera. That's how I achieve 'inner peace'. Absorbing in all of God's greatness and beauty in the form of nature)

-They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values. (I am scared of losing touch with myself after all, what's the point of living if we've 'left' ourselves behind)

-Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility (puhahaha so me... this one was the creepiest. It's so precise!)

-Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves (I hate getting ready in the morning.. hate it hate it. Plus I hate this colour wheel assignment we have to do.. so boring. I didn't pay 42k to paint a colour wheel. so boring)

- Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. (I used to think that I could never marry because I'd get sick of the person within a week)

-ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing. (This test has confirmed that interior design is not for me and the idc program is. I love creativity and I'm pretty optimistic and happy most of the time. When I've had a bad day, I look back and it didn't seem so horrific as I thought. I got through it did I not?)

-They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. (Yet again my IDC thing.. my parents are worried that I won't find a job by doing a co-major. I know it seems like a wandering thing between fashion and sustainability- something very wishy washy and not focused. But we shall see)


"They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level"

I hope that is me. I can't tell that about myself. I need someone else to say that. Although when people tell me something they did that day or something they're not happy about, I start rambling my own story which I think relates to their own personal life.
I just think that my relational match to Duty Fulfillers is so funny. They tend to exasperate me with their work habits and their stubborn views (okay I'm stubborn) but it ends up working anyhow.

Today we watched a documentary on Da Vinci's first portrait: Genivra during Art History. It was really interesting and one of the most beautiful portraits I have ever seen. Although she does not embody the beauty we define today (typical medici/renaissance face with big eyelids and long nose) Da Vinci painted her skin so beautifully: it glowed, it looked real, it looked liked it breathed with just the mere hint of shade and colour. In her face you could sense a sadness, her melancholy beauty and a hint of remorse.
http://www.consultsos.com/pandora/images/f0678.jpg to see the image. You have to see the close ups of her skin to really see the genius of this man.

Post #2

Oh yes, because they're talking about it again. Bonnie has never had a boyfriend and they found this to be a shocker.
And so this is their mission. To get a Valentine as I speak. They are saying it's three weeks until tomorrow. They sound pretty determined.
"But Allie, you're gorgeous"
"Bonnie, you are gorgeous. You can get a Valentine. How about that guy Ben. He was nice to drop by twice to say happy birthday"
"Yeah but he's not my type. I'm too shallow anyway."
Me: "Then you can move to Canada." (He's a Torontonian)
"Damn Liz and her boyfriend. She's set for Valentine's day"
"I want a boy."
"I think I have bad judgement. You think that they're very nice but they turn out to be jerks." (so true)


Why Valentine's day? Yergh. Valentine's day must die. Shops are already getting revved up for this 'celebration'. TANIA SEND ME A CARD. :P

Things to Look Forward To (because I live on holidays and special moments):

February 20 something: President's Day
Feb something: Julia visits NY :)
Cooper Hewitt exhibition on Fashion In Colours: Till middle of March
Spring Break: The last week of March (20-26)
End of April: Grace my cousin visits from Queens
May 12: my 19th birthday (ugly number)
May 15: end of school!
And somewhere towards the end, Tania and perhaps Andrew will visit me. yay. and I'm goin to get my own apartment (unless I stay at undergrad dorm)

Mmm can't think of anything else for now. But there are things I need to do this semester also:
Go visit the Career Centre and get acquainted
Perhaps find a job or even better, an internship at a fashion house preferably in Toronto for the summer

Gabriella and I were doing our drawings today and she told me she was sitting in her dad's restaurant doodling fashion sketches when the COO of Emanuel Ungaro asked her if she wanted an internship there. She asked me if I knew who he was because she didn't know who he was until she looked him up. Ahhhhh of course I know him.
So now I shall go to Career Service and get them to hook me up with some clothing company or whatnot. A year ago, I could never imagine that a 19 year old could get hired by the top fashion designers in this world, but now it's so possible! We'll see. I want to go home.

Omg they're having an internship fair on January 31st which includes Coach (haha tania), Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren, Kate Spade, Kenneth Cole, MTV, American Eagle, Scholastic and Donna Karan (DKNY). Except I have no resume.

I also need to now change my major from interior design to integrated design (idc) by February 1st. Yes this is what I want to do. Not be under some architect firm being bossed around.

Anyway so today was Bonnie's birthday so we decked the entire dorm room with yellow and fuschia pink streamers with yellow and white balloons and a string of birthday flags. We bought a huge pizza and bought a couple of presents. While decorating, Allie bursts out saying "I want a Valentine this year. I broke up with my boyfriend on the 12th and never have had a Valentine. I've had four boyfriends- that's not a lot". Then while we were just sitting here Bonnie says she wants everyone to get a boyfriend. And another time she tells us she's still a virgin etc etc. My roommates once in a while, like to talk about what they've done and their past 'loves'. I have nothing to say whenever they talk about that. Personally, four boyfriends seem like a lot to me. Apparently it was a big shocker that Bonnie had only been kissed once or something. Sigh.

I like it when people play with my hair. I like vibrato-filled whistles.

I'm so tired... I hate it when you feel sleepy awake but when you try to go to bed, you can't sleep. It frustrates me.

Sigh we're so bored (which will not last) that we're watching the sound of music and karaoking to it (So long, farewell...)

Airport Miracle

I'm so tired and it's only 9pm. <1>

Yes so my airplane ride back to New York was quite an eventful one.
When I approached my custom's officer, little did I know how much trouble he'd cause. As you all know, I'm American AND Canadian so when I showed them my Canadian passport, he asked me where my visa was and I said I didn't have one. However while he was questioning me about my motives to go to the States and I said I had my social security number but while he was saying it was useless, I pulled out my birth certificate but he didn't see it. He then put all my stuff into a yellow folder and told me to go through a seperate door. I had one hour before my flight was to leave. The guy took my folder and told me to have a seat and wait. After a while, I started to panic so I went to the guy and asked him if anything could be done because I had a flight to catch. He said if I missed the flight, I had to catch the next one. I had no idea how long I had to wait because there were a lot of other people. I just started to pray like crazy 'God I'm not in control of the situation, but if it is your will, please let me get on my plane!!' When I started doubting all I could think about was 1 Peter. Anyway my cell phone doesn't work in Canada (so stupid) and we weren't allowed phones either. I was scared because I wouldn't be able to contact my family if I had to get on another plane which may have cost an additional $100. So fifteen minutes before my flight (4:15) the guy called me up and told me to always show my birth certificate because they don't recognize duel citizenship (stupid). Blah blah blah.. and I pushed my cart, threw all my check-in luggage on the conveyor belt, stripped off my coat and scarf in security, took out my laptop.. they ran my backpack through the scanner twice to double check (Thankfully they didn't look through it) and then I just ran with my laptop in my hands to my gate which I almost missed if the air hostess didn't stop me. I heard 'Final boarding call for Samantha Wong'. I also began to worry that my luggage didn't get on the plane in time but as I was waiting for everyone's baggage to come out, I called my mom and as I was speaking to her, both of my pieces came out first. I was so relieved. It was the most stressing experience I have ever dealt with-I think. I am so grateful for what God has done.

So now I am back. I am tired, a bit sad, a bit happy, a bit alone. When I said goodbye to my parents, I got that ugly tight knot in my throat and my eyes got watery. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.

The Day I Asked God to Show Me Beauty

So today me and Vanessa woke up super early to go to York Mills and have a facial done at 9am (yay for snow flurries... we arrived there late). Why so far? Because the spa was designed by an award winning interior design company called Burdiflek and the place has won 'Best Spa' for both 2003 and 2004. I wonder who won 2005. Hm. But anyway, it's a gorgeous minimalist space all in white and very geometric in style. Sam is a sucker for beautiful interiors.

Apparently facials are supposed to be relaxing but I kind of despise it at the same time. It's like a dental appointment with less noisy instruments. And I hate snobby estheticians.
So anyway we had to fill out this sheet that basically requests to know what your skin type is and any allergies you have and then they place you in some room and turn on this blindingly bright white light to examine your skin.
I feel like I was being looked under a microscope- it was the most uncomfortable thing ever.
"You have sensitive skin." says the esthetician. How did she know that?

She put a hot towel on my face to open up the pores and it burned. All I could think about was Gollum shrieking at Sam to let him go from the rope It burnsss us! It burns!
The worst part was the extraction part where they take out all the bacteria and buildup with this needle like thing.. kind of like what the dentist uses to pick and scratch at your teeth that makes your gums bleed. Omg, my eyes started tearing. Then I felt the right side of my nose throbbing. Great I didn't take Reactin this morning. My esthetician sounded alarmed when she muttered some uncomprehendable European language. She asked me if I get hives, and I said yes. Like that time they made me wax my eyebrows and after a minute, it looked like I had a sunburn around my eyes (like a reverse sunglass tan!). Yeah she also gave me the typical lecture of what I do wrong in cleaning my skin after picking apart my daily routine. 'Use toner after you wash your face' Uh huh. 'Moisturize your neck' ok.... but ew that would get onto my scarves.
They always put on some classical music to soothe you but I can never relax. I don't know. It's probably because I'm worried about what's going on in their head.
Anyway in the end, one questions why I even bother in the first place. Number One: it does help a lot (if you go once a month.. but no can do on that one) and my skin feels soft and smooth temporarily until I wash my face in ten minutes, Number Two: it's a nice way to hang out with a friend who shares similiar interests, Number Three: it gives me an excuse to see some really nice interiors. :P

Beyond that, last night I asked God to show me beauty- beauty that He created to captivate, inspire and draw us in to him. Not just anything for anybody, but something unique and special for me.
Well the next day we got snow flurries but that was for the whole of Toronto. Then we got a clear blue sky. These two things I had written about in my previous post of the two things I love in life. Then I saw these statuesque pink clouds rise above like a wall in the sky. But they weren't just for me either, they were for most of the people who were out driving.
It came to me in a form of a tree. The tree in our backyard, because of the snow flurries and the sun warming the snowflakes up, had turned the water into icicles and water beads. At around 4, when I went downstairs to make brownies (which sucked.. they turned out like cake rather than fudgey) the sun was low in the sky yet high enough to peak through the neighbouring trees. And it was wonderful. It was like a Christmas tree dressed up in glass and crystal, sparkling in the glow of the sunlight- each sliver of ice and icicle illuminating against the white snow and the dark, rugged bark of the tree. Snow particles were blowing lightly across, carried by the wind: my confetti.
I ended up leaving the chocolate and butter to melt in the pot and went outside to take pictures, freezing one of my hands off. Upon examining the branches closer, I noticed that deep red buds had sprouted from the tree which probably came due to the warm weather we had.
I guess to some, asking for beauty is a silly little thing to ask. Why not ask God for a miracle?? But for me, and I can say for many, draw close to God when we see the world that he had created for us. We're inspired purely by the sheer beauty of his works. And it doesn't help that I'm an artist either. :P

The Feminine Side

The Little Things I Relish in Life
-Moonlight
-A sunset across the vast Canadian sky (deprived for so long living in skyscrapered cities like HK and NY. That goes for the above too)
-A good song on the radio
-The sound of gravel underneath my feet
-The coolness of the sand between my toes (providing it's a nice beach)
-The sound and feel of a good top spin in tennis
-A clear blue sky (they're so rare now)
-The tingly sensation on your skin from the cold sheets before going to sleep
-Waking up to a sun-kissed room
-Shoveling snow (hahaha I enjoy that)
-Taking walks by myself
-A good & meaningful conversation
-The sound of water
-A good joke
-Snow flurries
-An honest, expressive email
-A compliment
-A hug

So I've read half of the book I bought called 'Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul' and it reminded me of my days as a little girl twirling around our living room in my mom's apron singing to some song I made up. It reminded me of the times I'd go to Jenny's house and we'd play dress up in her play room. You know that's how I stopped drooling? My mom told me I drooled longer than most kids. I finally kicked the habit when we had to attend a wedding and she had bought me this pretty dress and told me that I couldn't wear a bib because it'd look ridiculous, so I just had to keep it in me. And that's how I stopped. Hahaha. I think it's pretty funny. I remember playing 'restaurant' with my then little brother and our parents were our customers. I played that well until I was 13. We had a vast array of plastic foods. Want a slice of pizza? We had it. TV dinner? Yup, in its own carton and tray. Whatever meal you could think of, we had, served in all its faded plastic splendour.
Of course then we had a large collection of plastic Hot Wheels and town mat to play on. I had purchased my own antique ice cream truck toy to counteract all his sports cars and monster trucks. I also had a hot dog vendor truck with a little man inside waiting to serve his next hungry customer (blame it on my cousin for getting me into food).
Then there were my days where I'd just bring out any toy I had from little plastic doll figurines to a snow globe (which I caused to roll off my bed and smash into a million glass pieces and alarmed my parents) to cake statuettes-basically anything I could find, and made up some story with all of them. We'd take chess pieces and make up little battles and whatnot.
I remember going to Silver Stream Farms, which is now closed because of stupid housing projects, where my cousins and I would go to pick strawberries. We'd then gather back at my house and have whipped cream with them. Those were the days.
My cousins and I used to have sleepovers and that's when they introduced me to Fimo. I got pretty good at it and I can make some darn good miniature roses the size of a pea. We used to go to Toys R Us and my aunt would let me pick something to buy. Once I wanted this Barbie popsicle stand where you can make these popsicles if you stick water inside it and put the stick through after it froze. She said it was too expensive and I sulked. I still remember that. She ended up buying it for me. I felt bad after. Haha.
But one of the things I remember the most were my times with a sheet of paper and a pencil/pen. I used to draw on anything. I used church announcement paper to draw my Sleeping Beautys celebrating their 16th birthday (prior to her prick of the finger) in her castle with cake and presents. That was inspired by Tchaikovsky (we listened to all these tapes with a composer and children... beethoven.. mozart) to restaurant paper placemats in Hong Kong in which my mom told me that I drew my best drawings on at that time.
When I was little, I used to love the sound of high heels clicking on the surface of the floor. I still like it.

So there were many ways in which I was able to relate with the authors of the book. I had my 'horse' stage to my 'twirling skirts' stage (hm come to think of it, I don't think I ever got out of that stage. hahaha).
And I guess it's come down through the years to this stage in which we all come to believe like the typical Bridget Jones 'I don't need anyone, I can be an independent, confident woman. I don't need a man to complete me'. But it never lasts does it.
I've always known, that before anything else, you must be after God's heart. Then he will set your paths straight. However I find it hard to follow through with that. To know him, you must study his word, have a time set apart just for him. But sometimes in order to do that, we need that passion, that desire to do so. And I sadly, sometimes do not. I find that I draw closer to him when I'm in times of trouble- when I feel empty. She wrote that when Adam and Eve fell, God cursed her with loneliness. When I first read that, I was thinking "That sucks like nothing else" but the good thing that comes from that is that in that pit of darkness, we hunger to find God. He did it in order to corner us, so that we'd give him a chance to lavish his love upon us. A curse turned blessing. I can't explain things. The book does it a lot better.
It's a good book that explains why we hurt and feel lonely due to childhood problems that were established by our parents from verbal/sexual abuse to not feeling wanted, to alcoholism to favouritism and how we've become such cold women who trust no one and believe vulnerability is a negative characteristic.
The funny (and ironic) thing is that Andrew recommended it to me. Haha.

I was walking around One's today at Market Village looking at Japanese pottery (I like the colours and designs) and I remembered one conversation I had with Tania. I had been wondering why being 'girly' is perceived as such a horrendous thing. Why is pink associated with females and breast cancer (and pepto bismol). To be girly- to love having our hair braided and whatnot, to wanting pretty clothes to having 'girl talks' to whatever a 'girly' act is... why is it almost a taboo? I don't understand. Perhaps it is because we now want to see that confident, independent teenager who can attain perfect grades, look at least decently 'pretty', have a good social life, as well as a good family relationships too. She has to be independent and confident- like a man. But, I thought, we already have so many men already. We don't need women to pretend/act like men. Of course some may argue that we need women up there who can do just as well as men in terms of careers and whatever. But then I don't see anything wrong with being 'girly' either. Sorry I have no point to this. I'm getting confused in my own thoughts.

But I found this to be so true. We think we're not thin enough, not pretty enough, not outgoing enough but TOO emotional, too much of a worry wart too vulnerable etc. But I guess women exude a different side of God's character: his relational, deep, complex part of his soul that wants to be wooed, pursued and loved. Just like any woman.

Everyone I Know Goes Away in the End

Starting with the more trivial stuff because I'm really sleepy and can't really think tonight:

This Osama tape makes me want to stay in Canada and not return to New York. I hope the next attack is not Manhattan again. Why can't Washington accept the truce? Is it more than just civic pride? Someone can enlighten me.

They came up with this new technology that scans your face and maps out all the damage that has occured in coloured dots from sun damage to wrinkles to the amount of bacteria-filled pores you have (gross). It can also calculate your likelihood of skin cancer and the length of time before your skin gets damaged from UV rays again. I think that is so awesome! Hahaha. This will shake the cosmetic industry particularly creams that claim to reverse the effects of anti aging. I think our society today is overplucked, overpeeled, overworked and just overdone. It's really disgusting what technology has done to some. Anyway that'll be available in high end spas and clinics soon for a minimum of $50 a pop.

I was reading the paper last night on this cosmetic surgery article. I can't believe people are giving their loved ones gift certificates to a plastic surgeon. That is so messed up. "I love you so I'm giving you the gift of a new nose!". Christmas time is when cosmetic surgeries are the highest in demand. One woman came in with her boyfriend for breast implants but the surgeon found out it was a supposed 'gift' from the guy. It was obvious she didn't want them and as he pointed out, if the guy dumped her, she'd be left with the pain, the reminder of him, the scars, the physical wounds and the side effects of the surgery.

Oh the power of Parsons. According to one article it says,

'With a Parsons degree in hand, chances are they'll at last get in the door for a meeting. "If a student calls and says she went to Parsons," says Julia Gilhart, vice president of fashion merchandising for Barneys (who launched Proenza Schouler's career when she bought their entire senior thesis collection in 2002), "we'll definitely see her."
Barneys is basically the Holt Renfrew of Canada. So do not underestimate the design world. There are stable jobs. I'm so tired of the typical Chinese thinking that med or law school is the way to go. It makes me so angry. As my mom pointed out the other day when we were having lunch at Maxims "good thing you have a mom who didn't force you to go into science". Yeah good thing.

I've realized that high school has such a great influence on what you do in your future career. For example, UHS is so strong in the arts that I'd naturally explore my creative side and end up in a job dealing with the arts. However my cousin who is one year older than me (who inspired me to take art lessons with her when we were little), attended PCA which has near zero art courses so she ended up at Queens for life sci. Now what if PCA was strong in the arts, perhaps she would have pursued a career in design. Tania is studying environmental studies because of her geography teacher in grade 9. How odd. What powerful influences high school teachers have on their students.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel

I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real

the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting try to kill it all away but I remember everything...

what have I become? my sweetest friend
everyone I know goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down I will make you hurt

You are someone else, I am still right here.

http://www.hit-country-music-lyrics.com/johnnycashhurtlyric.html

This is the only country song I like- no- love. I love this song. I want to learn to play it on the guitar. Okay it's about a heroine addict but it's somewhat relatable in a distorted way. When I'm sad, I listen or sing this to myself (nutcase, yes). But I love the lyrics. It's so expressive and reflective. Wanna hear it? Click on the link above. He can't sing that well but my roommate Liz plays and sings it beautifully.

Today I took another one of my walks down to Mill Pond.. I love my neighbourhood because we have that island/divider in the middle with trees and bushes and we're close to the pond where I can walk down by myself. I took my camera with me but alas, I couldn't find any good photo opportunities. Anyway I was thinking of the person I've become- which is what I still haven't figured out yet but I don't mind the unanswered open question. Perhaps it's better that I haven't come up with some conclusion yet so there's still room to change. Am I pleased with the person I've become? Mmm in a way? I just don't like how shy I am and wish I was more outgoing. I also wish that I wasn't so sensitive. I read into everything especially how people respond to me in person and on msn. I wish I was more compassionate. And as trivial as this seems, I wish I could dress how I want to and not care what everyone thinks of me. But changes can be made to all of the above.

On the subject of change, I was also thinking.... about love (who doesn't?). As a freshmen student, all my old high school friends and I have experienced a drastic change (well at least for me it was drastic) from being dependent to being interdependent (the only thing I rely on my parents now is money.. for the most part anyway).

A friend once mentioned that when we had our huge Christmas gathering, many people had changed over the first semester for better or for worse. She noted that she couldn't stand them and couldn't hang out with them if they didn't change back.

Now I am not accusing her of anything, but it's something I've 'been there and done that'. When I moved back to Toronto, I felt everyone in Hong Kong had moved on without me. Whenever I talk to my old best friend, Debbie, and I see her pictures, I think about how things used to be between us and how much has changed since then yet she still has that same sweet disposition.

Now that everyone has made new friends, old ones may have been neglected. But what I am trying to say is, in the most inarticulate manner, is that know when you truly love someone, is that no matter how much they've changed, you'd accept them for who they are. I find it difficult sometimes to accept the fact that all my friends have made new ones. They will now have their own inside jokes, history, stories and memories and I shall never be a part of that.

And I find that hard to accept.

I found it difficult to let go- to let my friends, especially my best friend, to make new friends. They would not know me in such a way as it was in high school. I'd be known as 'the best friend who went to new york'. In high school I knew my friends' friends and they knew all of mine. I think that is one of the reasons why I can relate to the song above. Sometimes I feel like I'm being left behind while everyone is taking off with their new university lives (ironically considering I'm the only one who really took a plane to another country).

Contrary to what that personality test says about ENFP people, I can be jealous and controlling and have found that I can be quite good at that. Yes that's another thing I am working on.

But take heart, do not give up on old friends so easily. A history has been established: a connection and a tie. As they say, the sweetest friendships are usually the oldest ones (something about new friends are like silver but old friends are like gold)- the ones that have sustained through time and trouble.

Confessions, Secrets and the Lonely Heart

Sigh I just blogged a good portion of my post and my hardware suddenly halted and this blue screen popped up. I've never come across that ever and it freaked me out because all I could think about was my train of thought was destroyed. Anyway back to square one.

Today I virtually did nothing because I was so bored. Everyone is gone or too busy to spend time with me. It's time to return to New York. I look forward to immersing myself in art and design again. I still haven't been to the Guggeinheim yet. I want to see the Russian art exhibit.

Anyway to pass time, I logged onto this forum and one of the threads was labelled 'Confessions' asking for girls to give up their little secrets. Most of them confessed that they were jealous of their best friend (for whatever reason) or their fear of not being loved.
One goth-sounding girl wrote,

People think im a strong person when in reality I cant hardly hold back my tears.

And I just found that very sad. We build walls, moats, fortresses and bridges to protect this crumbling castle of ours. Society tells us to be strong, but we can't, so in order to fool everyone around us, we appear to be strong by building these facades: to 'be' and to 'appear' strong are polar opposites. So we try to protect this faded heart of ours from everyone by putting up these boundaries, when in fact we need to open up. Things cannot be fixed alone.
Another girl admitted that whenever a friend got close to her, she would get angry at her to test her and to prevent people from getting to know her better. Although I do not throw fits of rage at my friends from getting them to know me (seeing as I am pretty honest on this blog anyway), I do however distance myself when I think I'm becoming attached to someone. We all want to be accepted and loved but when we find ourselves with such an opportunity we become afraid. Why is that? Perhaps it is because when we find there is a chance to become happy, we fear that we'd mishandle it.
While swimming in my grandparent's pool last week (I get bored easily going back and forth so I need to be thinking about something to do continuous laps), I realized that though I desire to have a significant other, I am not ready physically, emotionally or spiritually. Furthermore, if I sense a friendship with a guy is developing, I become nervous and afraid of becoming emotionally attached so I run. I think it also has to do with my fear of people not liking me past my shell (which is real). And this is what I have done with quite a few male friendships. Sad and strange I know.

That forum reminded me much of the website 'www.postsecret.com'. Basically this guy went around the community and handed out blank postcards asking people to write their secrets and decorate these cards and send them back to him. Now it's become huge and he has published a book with all of them in there. Some of them are disturbing, some of them are funny and some of them are just really strange. These were the three that I was able to relate to (or just found them plain hilarious):

When I'm alone, I see myself as beautiful. It's when I'm around others I feel so ugly & flawed.

When I see an ugly bride, what I am really seeing is a glimmer of hope for the future (maybe I will marry, someday).

I make everyone believe that I like to be different. But really I just don't know how to fit in.

Personally I think it is because I don't want people to see my insecure, low-esteemed side. I'm afraid when someone examines me closer, they'll discover I'm not as confident and assured as I appear, and become turned off. I think that's where my love of clothes comes in. Certain clothes command attention and give off the this impression of uniqueness thus confidence (it's all psychology, I know). It's also a great self esteem booster. That can be partially why I dress the way I do (whatever way that is).
I don't know. This blog has been a meandering river of thoughts- me trying to shred the layers to the core of my greatest fears and desires. Secrets? I don't have many. But since this post has been mainly about confessions, I'll write some random things down to the song 'Inside Out' by Bryan Adams: one of my songs of this holiday. I love it.


the biggest lie you ever told - mmm.... if there was one, it'd be a lie I'd be telling myself
your deepest fear 'bout growin' old- having people I love die before me
the longest night you ever spent - must be that night I was finishing that darn world issues isp
the angriest letter you never sent- I'm vocal, I'll send letters (emails) when I get angry. I remember the angriest email I've received from a friend in HK and I didn't even do anything
the boy you swore you'd never leave - hahha.... my dad although he's not a boy anymore? Well this one is not applicable as explained above.
the one you kissed on new years's eve- my two friends and I were debating to either watch the TO countdown which featured weirdly dressed hosts talking or to watch the new york ball drop AND regis talking. We settled with the latter. :P
the sweetest dream you had last night -- I didn't dream anything last night. I was completely knocked unconscience. haha.
your darkest hour- an hour? If it was an hour, it must be the first time me and my brother took the school bus home.. he went on a different bus from me because his teacher told him bus 10 was correct whereas my parents told us to go on bus 13. Well as a grade 3, I was scared, since we were seperated. When I got off my bus stop (which I could hardly recognize), I ran to my parents and told them Chris got on the wrong bus and now he is circulating in HK somewhere. Well it just so happened that that bus passed our stop and I remember ever so clearly his face plastered against the large glass windows of the bus, crying. My dad waved the bus to stop and we got him back. Okay that is not as dramatic as many stories but I had to condense it into an hour.. what can you do? My hours haven't been pretty dark at all. God has blessed me with much. :)
your hardest fight- er I haven't really fought for anything per say. Then again back in grade 5 my best friend swore at me and it became this huge fight with her mom and my mom and the teacher. She denied having sworn at me and wouldn't say sorry.. yeah.. bad bad bad.

i wanna know you - like i know myselfi'm waitin' for you - there ain't no one else.
talk to me baby - scream and shouti want to know you -
inside out. I wanna dig down deep - i wanna lose some sleep. I wanna scream and shout - I wanna know you inside out. I wanna take my time - I wanna know your mind, ya know there ain't no doubt - i wanna know you inside out

the saddest song you ever heard - that Sarah McLahlan song they always play on Remembrance day.
the most you said with just one word - Sorry
the loneliest prayer you ever prayed - for friends? Oh many.
the truest vow you ever made- hm.... probably the ones to tania. but vows make it sound so wedding-y. it should be promises.
what makes you laugh- my AY friends and their quirkiness, tania and her weird faces
what makes you cry- injustice in this world, people who touch me with personal stories, beauty in this world, how great God is and his faithfulness
what makes you mad- when I do something stupid, when people irk me
what gets you by- beautiful weather
you highest high- hm... I have many.
your lowest low- Er I can't say I really have one.. because I'm an optimist. Things could get a lot worse. :P
- these things I want to know

It is kind of uncannily creepy as to how accurate that Jung/Myers-Brigg personality test is. It's also sad that I need someone else to tell me who I am and define how I act in situations. Oh well it does help confirm some of the things I think about myself such as my inability to finish independent projects and being particularly sensitive to how people respond to me (which can be overbearing I guess). I also base a lot of my current happiness on the number of friends I talk to and how satisfying the conversations were. Personally, there is nothing better than having a good conversation with someone.
According to the test, the personality type that I fall in, the Inspirers, tend to get tired/bored of a relationship really quickly. I guess that does describe me and I have solved that by having three groups of high school friends, one best friend, one or two group/individual church friends, two groups of family friends (cousins: dad and mom's side) and trying to find my niche in my college right now but our class is small so I'm getting to know everyone generally speaking. So I think I've taken care of that matter. I'm learning to be more patient now having to live with three people. But apparently those Inspirers who have developed their 'introvert feeling' can be high artistic (yes!). I am learning to accept criticism now with having to display my artwork to my classmates and putting it to good use. I find it hard sometimes though because I feel that it's some personal attack when it's not.



And one of my biggest pet peeves now is when people (often ignorant and in some left-brained major/career i.e. sci/math/logical pathway) assume fashion is an airheaded, silly little thing to dabble in. I am going to murder someone soon. If fashion is so silly and stupid as everyone makes it seem to be, then I propose some left-brained logical person to change that. You can't ignore the power of the fashion industry being the second biggest industry in the world and influencing countless number of teens, celebrities, other artists and the general public through magazines, stores and trends. Fashion reflects the economy, social/cultural issues and the history of humanity.
So if I do end up in IDC studying fashion and sustainability (which can change since I tend to jump from one thing to another.. photography is another interest of mine.. http://wvs.topleftpixel.com/ is an amazing site in finding beauty in the ordinary), I want to prove to all you narrow minded sci/math people, that it can be a powerful tool to not only change what people wear, but their lifestyle, their habits, their values and the economy and how people see our world today. In fusing fashion and sustainability together, I want to be able to create clothes that do more than just compliment the wearer but create a positive impact on the environment. In using hemp, organic cotton, bamboo, recycled vintage furs, I think environmental fashion will one day become a big thing because these issues on deforestation, pesticide use, over-consumption will be an even greater issue than ever. There is now a small bandwagon of followers. Take Bono who has launched his line at Barneys called 'Edun' (Nude spelled backwards) and Linda Loudermilk, a lesser known eco designer, who has put her designs on the Olympus Fashion Week runway just last fall. Although it has been predicted that eco designs will never be as popular as traditional fashion houses such as Prada, Gucci and Chanel, I would far rather not follow the traditional Parsons fashion program in which herds you to learn solely fashion and its business. I want to obtain a broader sense of design and its affect on the community. I want to do something bigger than just making clothes- though I have high regards of those successful designers who made beautiful things.
In going into IDC will I get a job since I'm neither in fashion or some other program? Perhaps. But a designer can be successful when combining two pathways together. Take Parsons graduate Narciso Rodriguez, who originally was in architecture, took his mathematical formulae and minimalistic designs and incorporated them into fashion and created his own niche and trademark.
People just don't understand what they don't know and they just make silly little assumptions when they perceive something a certain way. If I make it through IDC in these two pathways (I do not want to restrict myself for the time being), I will prove to all of you how powerful a tool fashion is and how one or two people can change the world and how we perceive everything. I think I may have found my passion!



Interested in learning more? I have been inspired by this particular website: www.organicportraits.org. The spokesmodel has written a really cool article for all you skeptics:
http://www.yogitimes.com/09_2005/images/sept_coverstory.pdf

Today I've been cleaning my entire closet. Yeah, it's my 'spring cleaning' during the heart of winter but I tend not to follow silly little things like that anyway. The stupid thing is that what spurned and inspired me to clean it out was a single image I cut out of Vogue: a picture of a woman's shoe closet with her glittery dresses hung around. I know it sounds so dumb but I saw how beautifully her stilettos were arranged and how artfully presented her gowns were I decided I wanted to rearrange my walk in closet. I then saw an ad from Ikea which featured this huge but gorgeously organized closet which compeled me more to take out everything and do the exact same. However I have issues giving/throwing clothes out. What can't be worn anymore due to large hips is considered a potential art material/scrapbook stuff OR I have some sentimental attachment to it. So pathetic I am. Tomorrow my mom is dragging me to swim and then going to go to Bayview Village (yay!) to buy my dearest cousin a part of her birthday present then gonna get some hooks and containers for my closet to put all my stuffed animals in (so many olds ones). Yes, Sam is finally getting organized and neat.

On Worship and Music

I've realized, through playing the violin for so many years, I love slow songs. I hate fast ones because I feel as if I can't express every note just running through them. And that is why my violin teacher last minute, changed my solo from 'Perpetual Motion' to 'Le Cygne' (also known as 'The Swan') when I did my exam. My favourite pieces are "Thai Meditation", "Canon" (which can be fast or slow give or take), 'Le Cygne' and numerous random ones I can't think of at the moment. Then again, I probably prefer slow over fast ones because my fingers are pretty weak and trip over one another when playing sixteenth notes. Hahaha.
Just as in worship, although I love those loud, hype songs, in terms of glorifying God, I prefer slow quiet ones. Those are the ones that move and compel me.
Your love Oh Lord, reaches to the heavens... Your faithfulness stretches to the sky. Your Righteousness is like a mighty mountain, yeah. Your justices flows like the oceans tide.


How great is our God.


On Careers and Jobs

I think the smartest thing to have done is to buy a plot of land downtown and transformed it into a parking lot. That way you can do nothing and just hire someone to look after it and make a ton of money by letting people park their cars on your land! Genius! My mom was quite amused when I told her that.


On Beauty

Hahaha through my conversations with Tania, I've found out that I'm not interested in talking about male beauty. The only famous male celebrities I find attractive is Johnny Depp (because he is the epitome of awesomeness and adaptability. Go watch Edward Scissorhands and Pirates of the Caribbean. His normal self is so different from his acting self), Brad Pitt (only in Troy mostly) and Colin Firth with his big brown eyes. Other than that-hm- I can't really think of any gorgeous guys for the time being. How sad. I used to like Orlando Bloom until all the girls got crazy about him. I guess I like Legolas. hahaha. Oh yeah I found some chinese actor quite good looking but I don't remember his name and no it's not Edison, and Nicholas Tse (my cousin said they're really stupid since she attended the same school as them. hahah). Anyway I think I've never really been interested in male beauty since as a little girl, I've always drawn princesses and females. I can name many women I find that encompass my definition of 'beauty' from, of course, Gong Li to Uma Thurman to Liv Tyler (save that time she wore a kooky hairstyle with weird cat-shaped glasses) to Charlize Theron (save the faux tan) to Nicole Kidman (depending) to Zhang Zi Yi (only with hair down and in 2046. She looks like an alien in Memoirs) to Kristen Kreuk.
In life drawing, I've prefered to draw women over men because there's more to draw in the female body than the male. I like drawing and shading curves and voluptuous figures.
But for anyone who is still reading this and starting to think of me as rather odd, I'm not gay. I just find female beauty more interesting. :P


On Self Expression through Clothes

I could say so much here but I dont want to kill anyone by boring them to death so all I will say is that I've taken an interest to old clothes and old world techniques in embroidery and things of the past. Also I'd like to wear things people normally wouldn't wear but I don't want to be deemed as a freak either. On a sad note, I noticed the red piping on the edges of my grandmother's embroidered wedding shirt had melted away in many areas after being dry cleaned. :( It came from the 1940s too. I'm researching stuff on the history of Chinese embroidery. I know, I'm an odd one.


On this Blog

I've written so many airheaded entries lately that I feel as if I should just keep them to myself. Then I want to write them down somewhere. But they sound so stupid once I reread them. Hm. Such as this one. Sigh. Exactly when does one reveal herself without giving too much?

I'm feeling pensive at the moment.
It surprises me that Blockbuster has more Gong Li movies than Chinese rental stores. '2046' was one of the most arthouse movies I have ever seen besides 'In the Mood for Love'. They are so figurative and abstract plus 2046 was in mandarin, cantonese and japanese with no english subtitles so I could only understand the main character who spoke cantonese.
So today I exhausted Blockbuster of its foreign films that had Gong Li in it and ended up watching 'The Emperor and the Assassin' and then 'Zhou Yu's Train'. The latter was better except a little abstract when it came to the end so I'm still a little confused as to what had happened to the three main characters. Grrr. Time to Google it up.

I wonder why I even keep this blog alive. I remember a time when I used to have some interesting thought to put in here every day or so. Now the streams just run dry. It is harder to examine one's self because one can get too close to the heart's desires and fears. But I think I know why... One of my 'greatest' fears, living in New York and studying art, 'fashion' and design, is that people back at home would find me quite airheaded and shallow. Since fashion has always been associated with frivolity, excess, wealth, an escape from reality, Paris Hilton and whatnot, I fear that people wouldn't see past that. So here I am blogging to those who wonder if I have any other deeper thoughts beyond what the trends are for the season: things I don't normally speak of in person.

A few days ago I went to my grandmother's old house to look at her cheongsam. She ended up giving me anything I wanted there. The house has not changed at all since the 70's: the furniture and wallpaper look like they came from 'That 70's Show'.
The most beautiful of her old clothes, was her wedding ensemble which she told me, back when she got married, was worth almost nothing. The cut of the shirt looks like any normal stereotypical Chinese collared shirt with Chinese knots on the front. The entire shirt is black with red lining framing the edges with a sash sewed in the middle of the row of buttons (or placket) to keep the it together. However the most beautiful part that sets this cheongsam apart from the ones present, is the stunning embroidery all executed by hand (not sewing machine but needle and thread. I've realized these days in our machine-made world, 'handmade' is now defined as 'a person using a sewing machine'). Anyway, so I ended up with her wedding ensemble, three cheongsam, an eggshell blue trenchcoat I found in her coat closet and a brown wool trench (with the most beautiful lining I have ever seen) that my mom found pushed towards the back. Anyway today we brought several of the items over to the cleaners to get them drycleaned and pressed. The Korean lady who manages the shop was breathless when we showed her the wedding ensemble and kept stroking the fabric. Back in those days, the most expensive ensembles were those that used gold and silver threads in which my grandmother's had none. I am going to wear that as a jacket as soon as it gets drycleaned. I can pull it off in New York but if I did that here, I think people will think I've taken crazy pills or something. If there are people who say clothing has nothing to do with expression or personnality, they are wrong. I've become rather obsessed with the past.

If I didn't go into an art related career, I think my next prefered position in life would to open up a patisserie or a chocolaterie and bake and create for the rest of my life. haha. although that is somewhat art related. I'd imagine it to be somewhat like the film 'Chocolat' (okay life doesn't often imitate movies but you get my drift). Of course it'd have to resemble somewhat of a traditional french cafe or something with white marble top counters and dark wood shelves. Mmm but that would be nice to have regulars come in and you eventually get to know them and everything. Just like in Chocolat. ;)
Then again I'd love to own a vintage clothing shop just like the one at Elora, telling personal stories of their encounters with the specific item and how it came to this place. The shop at Elora, named 'Sweet Trash', is the most beautiful little shop. When you enter, it's as if you've stepped into another world- a world of jazz music, tinkling pianos, rouge, crushed velvet and feathered hats. It's always such a pleasure to walk into a shop with told stories, memories and nostalgia.