A huge long thought process that I hadn't had time to write about due to exams and work. Really random things that occured to me the past few weeks:

Jesus Lover of my soul. Jesus I will never let you go. You've taken me from the miry clay, set my feet upon the rock and now I know. I love you, I need you. Though my world may fall I'll never let you go. My Saviour, my closest friend, I will worship until the very end.
This song holds a personal meaning... perhaps not exactly 'personal' on my account but I remember attending a church in Vancouver last summer and these missionaries were giving their account on the Uganda terrorist group called the Lord Rebels army (self proclaimed christian extremist group). They went through villages and kidnapped children who were forced to become child soldiers... parents were murdered.. any child who tried to escape would be killed by one of his peers. And this one Ugandan girl in a bright yellow dress had told the missionaries that she loved this song. They learned that she had been raped while fleeing one of the villages. And I think that was a tremendously heartbreaking story. I think that's why I decided, on behalf of Tania, to sponsor a child from Uganda. So now we have a little six year old called Emmanuel who has six other siblings and is supported by his mother because his father had left. They grow beans and odd things. He draws water from the well and I think likes soccer considering he drew this adorable little picture of a guy with a ball and a car.

I didn't try on my world issues exam. I seriously did not even study the day before. I've been extremely frustrated with that course this semester... English was different.. although I totally blew one essay, I was able to work hard and produce 90s. In World issues I can't. I try extremely hard to make my essay as tight knit as I can and I end up with a 76 because she said I didn't tell her to what capacity World Vision is involved within the UN (when I said the WV president has a seat at the UN) so I get a 76. I'm so angry because you'd think of you tried hard enough, you'd see results. Apparently not. Who gives a darn about learning something new and trying something new and try hard when you still get a crappy mark. I should've talked about like why AIDs is having such a tremendous negative impact in Africa. That's so easy.

It's always bothered me that in our church we can only partake in Communion if we've been baptised. I'm strongly against that because there are probably a lot of strong Christians who have not been baptised who are not 'recommended' to take part in this monthly 'ceremony'. That's my personal view. Being baptised is a declaration of your personal religion to all others... not a rightful passageway to communion.

I think, as an artist, I've been desensitized to naked people. When people still go "ew!!!" I feel as if I should have some negative reaction too... which makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. It must be too much life drawing: old saggy men and women. I feel embarrassed for not feeling embarrassed like everyone else. And it's kinda weird because some of my AY friends had commented that they can visualize anyone nude because we've done so much life drawing that we can hypothetically guess what a clothed person's body structure would look like. I know it sounds kinda creepy.. but it's not viewing a person as a sexual object but more like an artistic approach: shapes, shadow, light and dark. Yeah. Life drawing really helped me to enhance my gesture abilities and portrait skills and enlarging my usage of different medias.

Aw... Grace, my cousin, and I watched my other cousin's wedding dvd.. It's so sweet and gorgeous. But extremely hard to top considering how expensive her wedding was. I think she's set a new standard for the future marrying cousins. Oh you just wait.. I'll beat you creative wise! hhahaha.. my ego is on the line! This is also bad because this was my first wedding (unless you count the ones when I was super young) and it was so fancy that I've come to expect $200 gifts to the single women or fancy banquets hosted at a large marble bank which serves cocktails and bubble tea. So I shall not expect much next time.

Why am I always viewed as a delicate fragile being? Rob tells Steve today about my fingers: seizing my hands and showing them as if they were specimensto be cross-examined...Fine, my fingers are not exactly NBA standard but I can't help having a fine and narrow bone structure. She told him I couldn't play sports because my fingers would break. Sorry but I can't really help the way I was built. Not everyone is built to be some sports person. I think it can be a compliment but also almost a putdown.. I wonder what people think of me expecially at church. It was odd sitting at softball today when everyone around me was in slacks, sneakers, and their jerseys and I in my skirt, heels, Burberry sunglasses and everything. I have a feeling they think of me as some stuck up, shopaholic fashionista that doesn't like to get grime on herself or participate on sports because you never know if a fingernail would break! It sometimes hurts because the reasons why I don't play ball sports is because of my eyes and my fingers and it's truly not an excuse. I don't think we were all made to play sports. While you all run around the baseball field, I make beautiful things: my art. It felt really odd today. I felt almost isolated and out of place yet I knew everyone by name.

In my UN crew.. lately I've been feeling really out of place..
Soph: spunky, crazy, HUGE pop culture fan and knows every single song and band on this planet.
Julia: tall ,blonde, typical, extremely funny
Vanessa: cool, calm and gorgeous, cynical
Sarah F: funny, has a beautiful voice
Sarah B: one of the nicest people I have ever met: extremely kind to everyone
Sam: plain, boring, knows nothing about the music world, does not like to sing or dance, cannot make jokes

And then there's me. They always talk about bands and songs.. I know nothing about music. Nothing. So I'm just sitting there listening to them talk about people. I practically say nothing and they ask me why I'm so quiet. I told them that they were loud so there had to be some balance, so I was quiet. I guess it's just a balance thing.. I've realized in the Raps crew I'm pretty loud because they're more demure as opposed to my already whacked friends in the UN. They make racist jokes and constantly talk about black people which is extremely annoying. Lately the racist jokes have been bordering on offensive and intolerant of Asians. I think some egos need to be deflated. oh welll.. as the artist in the group I've been 'commissioned' to recreate all six of us in a Klimt style poster. It's bee really funny drawing them all. I've done Sarah and I so far... self portraits have always been my forte considering my features are quite easy to draw... I don't even really need a mirror anymore. I can't draw other people unless they're the models at our life drawing classes. There's something about my photograph-copied sketches that doesn't seem to have captured the essence of the person.. which is hard.. something isn't right but I can't tell exactly what... Okay I'm blabbering.. no one has a clue what I'm talking about.

Hi tania.. don't tell me "I'm always last!" cuz I put you in the closing part of my long thought process. i made your certificates and the chocolate cheesecake so you should be happy and I edited Lois's essay for you. Now make me a scrapbook. an even prettier one. And I want fancy metal words too and frames. and pretty ribbon. And nice pictures.. not the ugly candid ones you took of me. ew. seriously. aren't I so demanding? lol. I love you. goodnight.

"Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for youWhatever it takes Or how my heart breaksI will be right here waiting for you. I took for granted,all the times that I thought would last somehowI hear the laughter, I taste the tears." -Right Here, Richard Marx

Some song popped up on the radio station... I'm starting to feel that restlessness and nostalgic over the past four years. Eyes are starting to get hot and prickled and throat gets extremely tight. For the past few days I've been thinking about the last few times going through the daily rountines that I usually don't think about.. going from class to class and going on the bus...

It's so hard to say goodbye. I should be used to it by now but I'm not. I remember coming to UHS.. the night before I was crying because I was so scared. Prom seems like a dream. The past four years have felt like some ethereal dream.

This is the time where I find it the hardest.. when you find that all the love that you put into your relationships may disappear when you start to grow apart in the future. Don't wanna let go.

"I don't believe in love,"
"So you don't believe that love exists?"
"No. I think it exists.. it just hasn't showed itself to me yet."

Random dialogue that was going upon in my head whilst vacuuming. I think it would do well in some movie script. :P

There are times when I feel like Lena: someone who has lost nothing but cannot love. Sometimes I'm afraid to love because I know it will fade eventually.. empty promises within yearbooks scrawled with hopeful messages of "friends forever... keep in touch!", tarnished 'best friends' jewelry... Chicago: 0.5 year, Toronto: 7 years, Hong Kong: 5 years, Toronto: 5 years, Nw York: n/a.
Montessori school: 2 years, Willowdale Christian School: 3 years, Bradbury Junior School: 3 years, Island School: 2 years, Willowdale Christian School: 1 year, Unionville High School: 4 years. Wow.. this has been the longest I've stayed in a school. It is no wonder why there are times when I'm afraid to love though have not really lost much. I'm quite surprised that Im still talking to Kanika (NZ) and occasionally with Jackie and once with Debbie. Hopefully we'll do some catching up in Hong Kong...

In the beginning, we admired the natural surroundings.. the great oak trees that rustled in the wind, bubbling creeks that glistened in the sunlight, meadows of wildflowers...

We chopped down forests to tame the land thus we created farms and planted rows of corn, wheat and barley.. we then admired the uniformity of our fields of gold.

Our desire to tame land became a quest to conquer air. We built gravity defying skyscrapers in steel, glass and concrete. Towers of Babel rose and Man stood in awe, dazzled by the beauty of their own works. Forests, rivers, mountains no longer seemed quite as beautiful... only things that were of beauty came from rocks and trees. Nature seemd quite primitive. Nautre was t be used for the beauty of Man's works.

Just some other random thought whilst looking out the window of Mrs Mcadam's car upon the flying fields and scattered woods..

As high school winds down to a close, I often think if I ever returned to this school.. a stranger unadjusted to the many unfamiliar new crop of students.. I can imagine myself walking up to different parts of the school and remembering events that occured in that space. Outside the library hallway I'd remember our fantastic art show.. the dance stairwell: lunch with art people... library: third/fifth lunch... new wing stairwell: tania sitting there after school.... music hallway: sitting there all those years waiting for friends to arrive to school... I know I'll miss all those times.. I'll miss walking around the school and knowing all the faces.

Sometimes when I'm sitting in class and the teacher is lecturing.. I wonder what their life is beyond the 'teacher' role... their past, problems, failures, loves, secrets, dreams.. as students, we always see them as them almost as beyond human... I guess... that figure head that stands in the front of class and sends forth a bit of knowledge every lesson. We see them as the untouchable, unconnectable...

I wish Friday could happen all over again. I had so much fun.. hardly attended much school that day.. shopping at third, signed myself at fourth cuz it was a substitute teacher and hung out with tania.. then got picked up to get eyes checked and then went to Vanessa's house to watch Soph and Julia get high on spring rolls (apparently it's possible with them).. and watch julia get her makeup and hair done.. when she got her hair teased she looked like a 'dee pao'.. lol.. like one of my deformed Barbies with bird nest hair. Then we drove in 30 degree heat to Richmond Green to take pictures in front of the waterfall... and then went the ravine.. we were carrying about five bags of stuff plus cameras... it was horribly humid... we were all sweating and yech.. Julia's car's air con blows out hot air... anyway, 100 pictures and 10 mosquito bites later, we drove to julia's house to swim and picked up sarah (the other stupid sarah had a stupid date).. except I didn't because my muscles were too tired from taking photos (yes it was tiring).. We were initially gonna go watch Mr and Mrs Smith... julia and I got the most amazing parking spot.. until we foudn out that show was sold out as well as the next one.. so we ended up going to Go For Tea on hwy 7.. and we got fried rice, bubble teas and mango on crushed ice. mmm.. hahaha.. really funny... we parked on the outskirts until we walked towards the plaza and found one really close to the restuarant... we decided that sarah and vanessa would stand on the empty parking space until julia got her car over... haha.. two cars come up.. vanessa has her hood on to save her face from embarrassment.. a van rolls down its window and a lady asks if the spot was taken.. she was nice about it and went to look for another spot.. LOL. Soph and I were just sitting on the bench and laughing. Oh yes the good times... car windows rolled down flipping through all the radio stations, cruising through Hwy7 (wait a minute... you creep through hwy 7!).. ah yes.. good times.. this is one of my very rare posts on a specific day.. I just want to record this for memories sake.

Yesterday Chantel asked me what our group was going... Lauren was goign to York for bio, me going to New York, Julia going to defer Queens for a year so she can try to get into dance or modelling in NY, Sarah going to the Air Force Academy to her own death sentence (crazy woman), Vanessa staying back a year... haha.. she points out that Lauren is the only normal one who is doing a normal thing like everyone else.. hahah.. me and sarah were laughing about it today considering we're probably one of the extremely rare few who are going to another country, let alone out of province. Oh we have such an odd group.

You know what bothers me... it's kinda trivial but it's funny how the 'smartest' or one of the smartest people won 'Most Likely to be Successful'. Vanessa and Soph were complaining about how puffed up about it he was after... It bothers me that people equate knowledge with success... actually it's more like grades with smartness and success. Sigh we art people are hopeless.. we have no future people.. We'll just become starving bohemian artists drinking absinthe trying to sell our art to rich snobs. What shall we do Dor, Tanya??? Maybe we should assimilate into Life science.. hehehehe... I think prom awards are rather stupid. I think I shoulda got that award.. just kidding. And no, New York doesn't equate to success.

Wow there are so many blogs out there that I went through from Sam's blog. It's funny how church people are all connected. I've pulled myself away and I feel so far from them compared to the last couple of years when we had bbqs at my house and 'jammed' and watched White Oleander... and chowed down a bag of Tostitos.. and bought supplies for the bbq and we ate the chicken wings half raw because it was so dark when we cooked them. I remember he introduced me to Skillet and I thought it was way to heavy for me. II remember just chilling at Angie's apartment for a couple of hours the last summer.. Now I hardly know them at all.

There are times when I feel compelled to offer some deep insight in some 'issue' to shatter any type of shallowness people see in me. I know I'm looked upon as a shopaholic and I'm a total magazine junkie and love fashion.. but those things have always had a negative connotation attached to them: frivolity, self-centeredness and materialism. I think we have all had this idea that those who have a love for the 'outer things' equate to 'shallow blonde bimbos'. Yet for such a long time I've almost try to hide this part of me... stealing the fashion section of the Toronto Star every Thursday and stashing it under my bed... read it when no one was looking. Then I'd buy magazines and hide them in my backpack so none of my friends knew. It's been happening for so long but now I've been more vocal about it to my parents. There are few people out there who actually love fashion and know the industry people... most people only know the typical ones such as Gucci, Chanel, Versace, and Dolce and Gabbana. But have they heard of Proenza Schouler (they graduated from Parsons), Narciso Rodriguez, Doo. Ri, Sarafpour, Imitation of Christ, Elie Saab, Lanvin, Michael Kors (Parsons), Valentino, Mouret? I only recall two friends who share this 'passion' with me. When people came over to my house, I swept my room clean of any trace of magazines or pictures.. I'd put more 'intellectual' books or magazines such as my Christian apologetics or some humanitarian aid book on top of my Vogues or Instyles. I confess to be a follower of 'Project Runway' and even 'worse', 'America's Next Top Model'... I think in our 'christian thinking' or our social standings, these things are pretty useless and stupid shows to watch,.. but I really do love seeing their photo shoots and their creativity through their pieces. I never told anyone I watched the latter show.. my politics teacher once said about the show that "it is one of those shows in which you only secretly watch". It's more drama than true industry but I still like it... I've never told anyone I watched it unless they were followers themselves who wouldn't judge you. When peers asked to see photos on my computer, I'd get nervous when running through countless images of the runway. I remember for a time, we had the fashion channel (a specialty channel like Raps tv) and I'd watch it with my finger on the 'last' button on my controller just in case my mother came in to check what I was watching in which I'd quickly switch to another channel. But now I think I've been almost denying myself of something that I truly love. Though I am naive as to how the industry really works I believe that I've slowly let that part of me show. Then again, there are times when I find myself being teased, and I snatch it back again. Who I am is part of what I love. At fifth period, I tensed when Jay picked up my quick sketches filled with faces with exaggerated hairstyles and bodies for tomorrow's photo shoot (for my friend's birthday present and a part of my art assignment.. simulating another rendition of a specific artist's work). He pointed to how ugly the miniature figures were. I know he was kidding: he always does that. But I flinched nevertheless smiling because.. what else can I do? It's different when a non-artist comes to you and says it's ugly .... because he/she doesn't do art. But when it comes from the mouth of another AY Visual, it hurts. Through this semester of art, where we had the freedom to choose what artist to research and through the recycled project, I've realized that I have done nothing with interiors but everything with fashion. Julia mentioned yesterday that her mom had said "She (me) must really want to go to Parsons since she is still considering that university when the other (pratt) has offered her a $36,000 scholarship." Yes I must be one of those insane people who can't be bribed by large Presidential scholarships.
So is this my passion? Have I found it but am still trying to suppress it? As I said in an earlier entry, how does one find her own passion? What if she denies it and is afraid that people will automatically think she is just shallow? I wonder if i've truly found what I love to do yet am still holding onto fear. As my mom had said, she believes that God has allowed me to make the choice because she knows that wherever I go, He will go with me. And from moving so many times and having seen the countless times He has been faithful, I think He will never forsake me (side note: I found it so interesting when pastor herman pointed out that in the New Testament, it mentioned God's faithfulness/loyalty more times than His love. Quote me if I'm wrong). Now thinking, I believe I'm compatible for both careers and that I have the God-given talent to go into whichever I please. I'm just afraid to take that first step: that decision for which university.

i think that im going to choose ryerson university... despite of all the wonderful things i hear about Sheridan and York University's joint program in honours bachelor degree of design... im just not cut out to be a graphic designer, after going into the ay yearbook committee, i realize that graphic designing is not my passion. i want to follow my heart and listen to it, cuz im gonna b livin my life and no one else... if i agree with my dad and go into graphic design, im the one thats gotta put up with 4 years of it, and thinkin about it NOW already makes me upset, i am going to follow my gut instinct and go into interior design... after a year of soul-searching, ive finally finally decided... if it doesnt work out, it doesnt matter. i'll pursue something else... i doubt it wll be the end of the world if i chose the wrong program...

I wish I could be as definite as Dor.. as sure as to where I want to go to yet if I realized that this was not what I wanted to pursue, could have the guts to swap programs. But I'm so tired of going from school to school, country to country...

I was reading this article in the New York Times about hot shots who had made it in Silicone Valley.. but after their first breakthrough (paypal, internet companies), they realized they had an ego to keep up... they just want another crack at getting to the top again though they're already millionaires. So pointless.

My thoughts about prom. I'm pretty disappointed that I'm not like everyone else and saying "whee prom 2005 was amazing.. I had so much fun". Because I feel as if all that prepping and talking came down to taking pictures. Sorry I don't dance but even so, I thought it was kinda a whole time of just taking pictures. The dancing was stupid... you see couples grinding and I just shudder... I mean, you dress up all nicely and end up acting all crass and crude on the dance floor. Oh well. I guess it was fun for all the people who had dates.. for me, I got a couple of people pissed off because I didn't take the portraits with them... I don't know what to do anymore... when I try to please one group, I piss the other two off. The food was kinda bad except for the pasta and the dessert. And sitting at the corner table wasn't fun either. We were all so spread apart. Oh well I guess prom isn't for everyone.

So we ended up watching the 'Sisterhood of the Traveling Pant's (adapted from the novel). I thought it was pretty good... I like how we see each person's problems and how they all connect together. I see some of their personality in my own friends and I see some of their problems in mine. "Why do we hurt those who trust us the most? Because we know they'll always love you no matter what" (Sisterhood). I think that's so true... among acquaintances we try to act polite and cheerful because we know, if we make them angry/annoyed, they may not speak to us again. And I just like to see how the characters develop from what they used to think and going through issues, realize something more important. In the instance of Bridget, she realized that she couldn't fill that void by obtaining the guy's attention... They all realized there was something bigger. "Bridget and Carmen both had lost everything but still open themselves to love. I, on the other hand, have not lost but cannot love" (Lena, Sisterhood) .It reminds me of this seminar on the Israeli/Palestenian land dispute.. how those suicide bombers did what they had done because they had lost everything. Those who have lost everything, have everything to gain. Anyway this was really random.