I Love New York X Fellowship, Beauty in Love

Polaroid memories: I found these really nice Polaroid cards at Urban Outfitters and bought them. Snapshots of what I remember addressed to friends: the gift of memory and gratitude.
I like giving and I think my favourite ways of expressing this is through baking and letter writing.
I thought I'd split up all my posts according to topics because they're already long as is and if I lumped them together, even I would have trouble reading them later on.

My last days of NYC were spent with friends. Just a Monet of the past week:
-Finally went to Fatty Crab for dinner with few friends, roommates surprised me with ice cream sandwiches at home. We all played a self-made version of Loaded Questions.
-Joel wrote, "David is the fire in my loins" in context to the game to which Betty asks "what are loins? I always hear about them and I see that word everywhere in the butcher shop." LOL
-"What would you hate most to discover?" Answer 1: "That Joel is a girl" Answer 2:"That Joel is a woman". Stacy: "Oh is this game about self discovery?" LOLOL
-Went to Megu with parents, Clinton Baking Company and Basta Pasta. Sigh....
-Brunch with roommates at Clinton Baking Company
-Diesel bag shopping with David: you know you hang out too much when you both show up purchasing the SAME hoodie at Urban Outfitters. T-T (yes I buy mens hoodies for myself)
-Max Brenners for the last time with accountability partner.
-Last day consisted of texting random people to come to K town for dinner... 13 including myself showed up and we went for Pocha32 except they didn't have room to fit us all so we went to Kat's favourite place. After, Red Mango and then loitered there for an hour before deciding to go to watch 'Inglorious Basterds' till 1:15am.
-On the day I left there weren't any tears. Nothing to cry about because I know I'll someday be back even if it was to just visit. It just felt like I was going on holiday again. They surprised me with a scrapbook album in which they all wrote me their well wishes and prayers etc. So sweet.


Matching polaroid envelopes all in a row, ready to be given out!

What do I think of these friendships and whether or not they'll weather through the storms of distance and time? I don't know.
It's funny but when my accountability partner and I met up at Max Brenners (we haven't seen each other for the past couple of months), we both had dreams that were similar to each other's. She expressed that she wanted to be the 'Google of fashion' while I wanted to be the 'Pixar of fashion' because we both admire the work ethic and philosophy of these two companies. Funny funny. I think God has placed something on both of us that perhaps a collaboration in the future is actually quite feasible.
In the end, I'm just afraid of being replaced. Although I've physically 'moved on', sorry to sound cheesy, but to put this plainly: my heart is still there.



I'll miss her dearly. I only got to know her around March/April and we hit it off pretty quickly. She slept over the weekend prior to my departure of my Asia trip and we made all these plans upon my return. But I guess God has other plans far greater than ours. Until next time.

This past summer I've also begun to realize another part of my life extending beyond friendships and into that rather frustrating realm we all call 'Dating & Marriage'.
I realized, on one of my walks home, that I began to question at what price I would 'sell' my heart to someone. For I've begun to notice the weaknesses in which I desire affirmation from others to supposedly fill a need they in the end cannot meet. "At what price would you sell your heart for?"
It sounds silly, almost lame. But in all seriousness I began to fall for all the wrong reasons and for all the wrong motives.
Because I knew I wasn't attracted to the person, but to what my self esteem lacked in its insecurity to which the person could answer to.
I began to strip apart all the feelings that had taken ahold of me, and realized, in all logic that it wasn't it. It was just a guise, another lame trick.

In all honesty, I am the most frustrated with this part of my life above all else. See, my career is about to take flight, my friendships are numerous, my homes established, identity found in Christ.
Yet I struggle with God in seeing the reasons in which I've never had a boyfriend before. At times I feel like I ought to be embarrassed or weirded out because people always look so surprised when I tell them. I'm twenty two: an age at which most people have dated by yet to this day, I've never had a significant other. In the past, I'd blame it on my appearance: I somehow wasn't attractive enough to be 'date worthy'.
Today I was at bubble tea with two of my friends, now both dating, and bringing their significant others wherever and whenever we hang out. I am the... third wheel times two.
It's a two folded answer: one being that I've moved so much that it's been a little pointless, another being that the opportunity never came up.
In the past, I would perceive that having a boyfriend would validate how attractive I am.
Yet this is where the danger lies to which I've realized even more so this year.
I refuse to fall for someone because he thinks I'm beautiful.
Because I need to first believe that myself.
And I think, above all else, I have to overcome this before getting to any relationship.

The other day, a good friend was sharing about how she thought rail-thin models were hot and how her peers would chastize her for ideals of physical beauty. She told me about how she'd love to weight ninety five pounds.
My heart breaks for her because no matter what she wears or how much weight she loses, she will never perceive herself as beautiful even if I do.
This past year I've started to get out of this hole that the fashion industry pseudo dug for me that skinny is beautiful. For I now think that whenever I ever saw a stick of a model walk past me, my automatic thought would be "wow she's sooo thin" and NOT "wow she's pretty!" But don't we desire the latter above the former? Because I've realized that when I see a really thin girl I just think "skinny" and not "pretty". Interesting eh?
I've been toying with this idea in my mind for a while, and as cliche as it sounds, the only answer I can come with to the answer of finding beauty is in self confidence. Not that the shoes I wear look hot or the dress I wear the latest, but a confidence found in that God made me the way I am because He thought it was good. And if God thinks it's good, who is to debate that?
My paradigm shifts often come into physical being through the clothes I wear. They say personal style is dictated through our experiences in life: and for me, these shift rather quickly due to the many physical shifts I make. I've already begun to see that in the rather lackluster, less layered looks I've been sporting recently with t shirts and jeans. Don't need the clothes to look good, because I already do.
Lately the idea that "hey, actually I'm quite attractive" comes across my mind to only be shut down by another part of me that quickly snaps saying "you can't say that! That's vain!" Yet if I continue to tell myself, as the media says it (or if you watch Mean Girls, there's a perfect example of how we all feel it is our job to show 'modesty' through chastizing ourselves), that I'm not attractive yet in saying that, also trying to find the confidence to say "I am beautiful!" well then, it's just messing me up.
Enough of that, I am attractive and if you don't think so, well, go look in the mirror and deal with yourself. I'm tired of putting myself down and trying to earn myself into the ideal.

Obviously, this is all under maintenance: I still have days where I think "frick my thighs are so fat" or where I spend extra time trying to cover a new pimple in vain. But I need to learn this, because, I cannot get this from other people. I'm tired of the Wormtongues in my life. I don't need validation from them.

Boys of Summer.
It's one of those songs that always stick with me around this season. I've noticed these things come and go and although in the moment, it seems like the only one, it never is.
Guys come and go just as friends do.

Looking back, there have only been one, maybe two, whom I'd seriously consider dating.
Don't ask 'who' but 'why'. And if you don't know, then you probably don't need to know.
One, I went out of my norm, and actually took a chance and put my cards face up.
When I tell people, they say that they would not have the audacity or courage to do that yet at the time, I wanted to tell him to let go.
I know what it is like to be unhealthily emotionally invested in someone that I thought that by saying something I could somehow find closure and place my hope in God rather than him.
But to my dismay, I still hope. It's small but it's still there.
That song came up on the radio, during my last dinner, and it triggered memories.
Of all the songs, God, why that one?
I've given that part up but I don't understand why I still remember and why I still hope. If You could just take away this hope, it'd relieve so much wistfulness.

I'm still waiting. If God has shown me providence these past four years, I can only imagine He will give me clarity on this part of my life soon. For sure, I feel the pressures to not be single yet at the same time I will not settle for someone in order to relieve myself of that socially constructed rule. Perhaps I'm not who the world deems as normal, but my future hope is not placed on these standards anyhow.

In my sensitivity I will remain to this verse,
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

I Love New York X RWC

The song that perfectly sums up this past week in Manhattan: I Gotta Feeling- Black Eyed Peas.

I gotta feeling, tonight's gonna be a good night.
I already know this post will start in New York City and will be published in Toronto so here goes:

Life in transition.
This past week in NYC I've been dividing my time between spending time with friends and packing.

My parents came and took all my belongings away back to a home whose history hasn't been touched since I left for New York. Suddenly all the memories that are so inextricably part of objects will be in a new setting, a new environment.

Moving was difficult. I'm a pack rat: either I see potential in some stuff be it ribbon, paper, or a lightbulb so I keep it for future art projects. However the case usually is that I become attached to an object due to its ability to evoke some memory I had when coming into contact with it. It's as small and stupid as a hotel card key that I used when my mom came to visit me two years ago, March.

Walking around this city with the full knowledge that I may not be back for a while felt so different. While in the past I would act as if New York City is forever, I've come to realize my expiry date. Everything seemed different, everything seemed important:

Church
During Christmas 2005 prior to my departure to New York as a freshman at Parsons, an uncle who I was just introduced to told me, "New York is big. In New York not only will you be physically lost, but you'll lose your soul."
.................
That's exactly what I wanted to hear as a high school graduate going to the Big Apple alone.

Fast forward four years later, this past Sunday I worshiped for the last time at my church in NYC. I walked into the new auditorium that our church is now located in: unfamiliar, different, memory-less. At the start of worship I already began to tear up: the very thing I considered a normal every Sunday event would be no more. I felt silly but the sentimentality that I felt for this church just all rolled out at that moment. Nothing beats RWC worship: the music was what attracted me as a newcomer three years ago. Yet as we worshiped, I realized that though I'd be 12 hours ahead in a week's time, we are still worshiping the very same God and in the future, we'll all meet again in somewhere more glorious than this place.

The guest speaker spoke about the storms in our lives: where most of us tread water to just get by, he encouraged us to turn to Jesus for help.
Isn't that funny, that the song I've been meditating on was Casting Crown's 'Praise You in the Storm' the past week?
The pastor invited people who needed intecessory prayer, to come to the front at the end of the service. I felt compelled to speak to our pastor, whom I rarely talk to, to ask for prayer.

Approaching the front, I started talking to him but I was so emotional I cracked and started crying uncontrollably (must have looked like I was freaking out). I know that this is a gift from God: a job in the midst of financial uncertainty and crisis. I also go into Hong Kong with the full knowledge that God will be present, with a purpose for me to be there and that home is not found in people but in Him. Yet I couldn't help weep in front of my pastor. Because I realized how deeply I love this church. This past semester I've come to know what it is to be in one mind, spirit and heart with the body of Christ. It's odd because while my church in Toronto is 'dissolving' due to certain demanding individuals who constantly nitpick and complain about the way service is run, I've come to realize the danger in simply being the Christian critic. Because I used to be one: I used to criticize RWC for the rather charismatic sermons yet God's really changed me somehow this past year. Whatever the church has been addressing this year in the sermons, I've been meditating on a couple weeks prior to its occurence. It's not prophecy but just 'oneness' with the church. It's kinda hard to explain but whatever I'm struggling with or savouring in my devotionals, are in sync with church sermons/issues. I often blog about it and then after the Sunday passes by go, "hey I just blogged about that last week!"
Anyway the point is that in observing my church in Toronto and the destructive individuals who are breaking up the community, it is a warning that ANY OF US can be one of those people: take a back seat, soak up and criticize makes you no better than them.

Birdwalk. Anyway.
So he placed his hands on my head and shoulders as I sat there crying uncontrollably for... no good reason other than I was just sad to leave, and began to pray for me. For the peace of God to reign in my heart.

I then decided to speak to one of my ex Small Group members whom bestowed, I think, is the nicest parting gift ever:
as I wrote in the past, I've been searching for my spiritual gift this year, without certainty of what it is. She shared with me (randomly) that she thought that I had the gift of hospitality. Because of the pains of trying to fit into a church I've had for so many years, after settling in RWC, I knew what it was like to be the 'newcomer' and tried to make people at home. She said to me, "even though you never felt like you had a real physical home, God gave you the gift of hospitality to make people feel at home wherever you may go."
She even friggin quoted a verse I used from my testimony about Christians being foreigners of this world... I was really awed at her memory of my baptismal testimony.
With the knowledge of this, I knew that the many tears I've cried and the loneliness I felt for so many years particularly freshman year where I'd go and leave church alone every single week, was worth it. Because I know what it feels like.
And in knowing this, I know that HK will be better: even though this time I may be the newcomer, I now know what to do. At least better than my eighteen year old self.

A girl from the Parsons SG wrote me a letter and in it she recalled the first day of SG in my junior year:
we were told to draw out our feelings and perspective on the church. She remembered that I drew a wall with me on one side peering into the other side which consisted of a group of people. I explained, as she wrote, that I felt I was the observer looking in on the body of the church unable to participate or fit in. She saw me crumble in the past two years and saw in my brokenness, find healing in God.
I was so surprised and impressed she remembered that because I totally forgot about that incident some two years ago. It was as if that memory was a benchmark of how much I've grown since then.

Looking back, I realized that uncle who told me I'd lose my soul in NY, was wrong. In a city where people come in search for money, for love, for fame, I found God.

Dang it, You're so good!
Now back in TO and listening to: Broken-Lifehouse

I'll leave this portion with a verse my roommate and I were coincidentally meditating on around the same time:

Hebrews 11
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Untitled

Seeing that I have finally received my diploma in the mail yesterday, graduating with a BFA Degree in fashion and sustainability (honors), I thought perhaps I should live up to my scholarly reputation and write a post about fashion.





Never mind.
A friend once noted that whenever we went into a bookstore, I would read up on graphic design, illustration, interior, brand marketing, packaging, product design... anything BUT fashion.

And it's true.
I think the last year or so I've grown really tired of fashion. I don't have the same appetite to look at clothes and magazines like I used to.
Three to four years back I'd purchase my monthly Vogue/Teen Vogue and after savouring the glossy pages, shelve them away in my thirteen foot high closet in Manhattan.

Sitting at the eye doctor's the other day, my mom gives me a sideways glance and muses outloud, "Ahhhh.... what happened to your dresses? You went from dresses to that... guy/girl unisex look with ties and dress shirts to a plain t shirt and shorts."

Iono, I can't even decide on what I like to wear let alone where I want to live and what I want to do in the future. I'm very influenced by the way people dress around me, picking up certain characteristics to incorporate into my own: hence why I went from roccoco/edwardian when I lived with my roommate with ruffles galore, 1950's dresses and Mary Jane heels to the unisex look due to menswear designer and now... t shirts and shorts because... yeah.

All I know is is that on the top of my list for things to get is a leather jacket. As the weather starts to cool down, hopefully a pelvic-bone length motorcycle style with a clean finish and burnished gold hardware in matte leather will pop up somewhere.

I think this is too cute: Polaroid Mirror

Scrawls

I've been sketching a lot lately (well a lot more than I was this past semester). I've been waiting a whole lot this summer: a lot of waiting for people and for things to happen. I've gotten so bored at times that I've been rearranging cheap paperweights at a home supplies store or heading to certain areas to see if I recognized anyone there.
But yeah, I've started again to bring my sketchbook with me wherever I go. I think it's great, that as an artist/designer, the only tools required is pen and paper: the whole world is open to you with just that.


A Cautionary Tale to the Self: Do not Mistaken Fondness for Love


Altitude Air: First sketch done on plane... it's super random

I really dislike how I draw: it reminds me too much of... illustrators I dislike. lol. If my work has any semblance to others, I automatically dislike their work because I don't like mine. It's a problem I have as a designer, I usually end up hating the finished product. The only thing that I really enjoyed doing and seeing the product grow, was my thesis. And that's the only thing I'm still proud to be associated with.

NYC tomorrow.
Has it been a week already? Life's too fast for me to move on.
Returning home is funny: there's no longer anything to share about because we're all too different.
It's scaring me because I now know the future of the friendships that I hold dear to me in the present.

This grieves me.

Tunnel Vision: The Impossibility of Permanence

Looking Back: At Taipei 101



She's back in Toronto.
HK>Vancouver>TO

In the course of the past two weeks this person has been at the Taipei, Tokyo, Hong Kong, Vancouver and Toronto airports.
If the entire two months was taken into account that would include Seoul, San Fran, New York.

There are times at which I literally feel a sense of identity crisis.
This is most apparent when going through customs: a tricky little maze for those with multiple identities.

On my way to Vancouver from Hong Kong (two hour layover), the customs card was distributed out for passengers to fill out:

Name: Samantha
Plane No: CX 888
Address: (inserts Canadian home add)
Nationality: American (to match my American passport)

After half an hour of going through an extremely Canadian style customs line (aka super slow with a lot of people- sorry this is not a deliberate attempt to put down Canadians but really some of us have connecting flights who need to physically get their own luggage to haul across the other side of the airport to check in again.. bad design of an airport), I finally reached the customs agent. They look awfully more masculine now having been in Asia for so long. lolol

Agent: So... you're American?
Me: Yes.
Agent: What are you doing in Canada?
Me: To visit my family.. I've been traveling the past few months.
Agent: You wrote a Canadian address here.
Me: Yeah because my family lives here. BEEP! WRONG ANSWER
Agent: So are you Canadian?
Me: Yeah but my passport expired and I never bothered to renew it again since I was studying in the States. BEEP! WRONG ANSWER
Agent: So do you have proof of citizenship in Canada?
Me: Uh... does a driver's license work? BEEP! WRONG ANSWER
Agent. No. You have to go to the wait center to get a background check up.

Remind me next time to not declare my american citizenship and boast about my permanent home address in Toronto. -_- But really most people ask for your permanent address OR your temporary visiting address. The customs card said 'home address'... so I wrote my Canadian home one! ARGH
In my head, my HK, Canada, US identities are all interchangeable.. like Pokemon, but they're not in the real world. -_- Technically I could have avoided that background check up if I just changed my address which was pretty stupid: they had to search for my parents (asked me their birthdays to which I asked how the heck I would know their years. What I have the biggest beef was that I couldn't call out to ask them like last time) but couldn't find them in the system as Canadian citizens.
Home, for some people, isn't as straightforward as it seems..
The design of systems, particularly airports, need to understand this.

I need one cell phone. For the past couple of months, I've been carrying three cell phones with me: one for Hong Kong (doesnt work overseas), one for NY (no SIM card so if I wander outside of the States it's roaming) and one for Canada (but all the prepaid mins expired)
I realized how ridiculous it must have looked when I whipped out three cell phones to make one call in Vancouver.
T-T


Tunnel Vision

Tunnel Vision

On the ten hour leg of my journey I was listening to three songs I found on the Cathay Pacific R&B/Urban/Dance section for literally half the trip on a constant loop. I didn't watch any movies then. For some weird reason, I don't have a tolerance to do anything sitting on a plane for a prolonged period of time watching movie after movie. These days I just sit and sketch and listen to music on repeat:
Fabolous> It's My Time
Lady Gaga> Paparazzi
Akon> Be With You

I was listening to the first of the three songs, while drawing the picture above. I guess it was a reflection of the lyrics and in my own personal realizations that there's a lot of things I need to work out.

I need tunnel vision.
As in I need a goal, a target, a.. vision.

I want to understand letting go without fear. Mmm.. often what happens is that I make friends in whatever given city I'm located, we become really good/close in the next two years and then due to my hobo-like existence, I move and it just fades.

It fades because I'm always afraid that sentimentality is a one way street. If sensitivity to the world is a strength that I have, I also know that it can also be perceived as clingy and over emotional. Thus to compensate for these feelings, I make new friends to show that I've moved on.

And it works. It works so well that when I look at my Toronto friends, I wonder, if I should have tried harder. And yet it tires me to keep up with so many people: not that it becomes a chore, but I've tried it. I've sat in front of my computer talking to friends in Canada while life passed me by in New York. And while it was good, nothing could replace being physically near one another. It makes me wistful- wishing to be somewhere I obviously cannot be unless I sacrificed work/school.

A friend once said, "I met people who were like you, always traveling and never had problems.. why is it that you find it so hard to do?"
Some people don't mind flitting from one place to another making new friends wherever they go: to them, they are people you had a good time with and perhaps in the future, you will meet again. Nothing is subtracted from those relationships due to distance or time: just temporarily placed on hiatus.

But I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to build up histories with depth: I don't want to friend personalities, I want to have the confidence in knowing that they can read me because they understand without it being explicitly said. I don't want those facebook friends which are in such an abundance, but those quiet friendships that aren't so blaringly on the radar. I want to hear "I remember when you were.... and now...."
Upon discussing this with a friend (yay I've known you for...nine years!), I realized it took me eight years to get from that depression point to where I am now. I still remember that entry I wrote post-retreat, July 30 2006, some five years ago (wow that fast?), concerning the grief I felt with not being able to make friends at church.
Eight years.
And eight years later I can say I am definitely more socially ept (but still making mistakes) with a strong circle of church friends at a church I am really fond of.

And now I'm to drop all that for the sake of a calling to Hong Kong.
I can't help but grumbling slightly because of what established group of friends I have, and on top of that, a lot of smaller friendships I could see growing into something with more depth.
Ergh, but pressing on anyhow for the prize not found here..

From a personal... personal, uh, not sure what word to use: note, standpoint, outlook, perspective... it really hurts me when I cannot be a part of friendships. I'm scared to see people move on, to see that the friendship was a temporary means of satisfying that underlying fear of loneliness. A filler, a temporary solution, a fix.

Thus I need tunnel vision, particularly in the realm of friendships. I wonder if God gave me this lifestyle to understand the impossibility of permanence. To understand that there are no constants other than Him.

When it comes to the pursuit of a career with meaning, God spoke through me while discussing this with my oldest church friend (lolol). We are told 'dream big' yet God doesn't say that. Characters in the Bible didn't have dreams to fulfill them, God placed in them a dream and gave them the 'package' to execute it. Samson wasn't born with the desire to kill Philistines nor was David's dream to become a king nor was it Daniel's dream to become the second highest in rank under the realm of three kings passing. Yet God was the one who orchestrated it by giving them the necessary tools to execute.
Having a dream, I realized, is not enough. The dream must be realized in the mind of God for it to be even one of significance.

We often look at what skills we have to determine a dream yet we should find out what that dream is to develop those skills. You craft the thesis statement first before inserting the arguments right? In the same way, the dream must be manifested before anything else.
Not like John Lasseter was a pro comp animator, he just had the dream and the skills came after. lolol. Yes, everything revolves around Pixar. ;)

But yeah, in the end, all I wanted to express is that..
I hate missing people which is why I try to avoid many.
It hurts me more to leave people than to leave a place. The first two years of my studies in New York, every time I said goodbye at airport security, I would cry.
And I feel so... stupid for saying that, yet how many people in Toronto can understand the pain in the impossibility of permanence? Not many. I don't say this smugly, but most people don't really move. So to tell me, that I have an unhealthy fixation with people is unfair for friends don't come and go for them. They just stay.
You'd think by now, I'd be used to it. But it's not the action of missing that I'm not used to or familiar with, but the individuals themselves.

But is the only answer to just move on? To pretend those times weren't so meaningful, weren't so full of significance? Often the pursuit to become emotionally unattached is just a form of denial.

In the end, I just miss you.
But I can't stomach it to say it because it means you made an impact on me-you actually matter- and I let you in thus making me vulnerable and forcing me to be, well, less prideful (why is this sounding like something from one of my favourite films, Good Will Hunting?).

But this happens so often, I wonder if it even matters anymore. With time, it'll disappear and that will be dead to me. It sounds awful, but a lot of people I used to hold with much affection, don't really matter anymore.

And it seems like a sad sort of comfort.
Because, ultimately, I don't want to emotionally invest in something that the other party is not willing to give in return. It's just not healthy.

God, please give me peace in this area. It hurts to miss people.


Letter to friend: right figure was drawn about a month ago by him and I was looking for paper and found this to write/draw on a caricature of him. I call this clever/a good utilization of existing resources but still with some meaning to it.

HKG->TO

Ok wrote those four days ago.. but have to fly back to toronto so photo essay it is.


Drawing self portraits and others at Babycakes with cupcakes in hand. I will miss the artistic people in NY...


Jolly company during Thanksgiving weekend. By far the best and one of my fondest memories of this past year.


One of my favourite shots of sakura from last year


Upon informing Robyn about my move to HK the first thing she said was, "Does that mean we won't have our annual sakura picnics??" Sadly yes, although now Japan is four hours away... I guess I can fulfill my goal of going to the sakura festival there and Robyn ought to come! ^^


Live Long and Prosper. We were actually there on that day to watch 'Up', not Star Trek. I forced them all to go super early to get seats. lol.


Miyazaki Potluck Night at my place...people always like to bother me when I'm studying Chinese. -_-


beautiful greenhouse for the orchid show.


My room. My workspace. Tear.

Me like: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvsVcvp475Q

David Convo:
sam look at it this way: most likely after we all graduate in 2011 we will all be spread out across the globe which is sad but we will always still be friends. and plus HK is comprised of MANY MANY PEOPLE. Just give it time and im sure u will find some great people that u can introduce to us too and then we can expand out horizons and eventually take over the world.

Praise You in the Storm

God is Good.

Polaroid Dion took of the train station in Taiwan with me sitting on the ledge.

Announcement.
I got a job offer here.
'Here' as in Hong Kong.

On one hand, I'm elated.
Why?
Because I have full confidence that in declaring that God, Saviour of my life, Redeemer of my soul, is the provider of all, He will provide. Despite whatever the circumstances, though people have told me that I graduated at the wrong time during the recession and with the wrong degree of study in design, which pays supposedly next to nil, God has shown how in our limits, He is infinite.
I know, old wisdom says "work in America first and the Asia. The other way around is a dead end."
But location should not dictate talent or skill.
That's a story for another day.

My main reason for getting a job is this: to pay off my loans. T-T
And I've been praying about this because interest kicks in six months after I graduate. It says,
The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. -Deut 15:6


The story of which how I came about getting this job was rather odd.
A friend actually introduced me to this job back in March whilst I was still studying in New York. I applied for it but didn't get any response back.
Fast forward to July post-Japan, my mom was starting to nag at me for not being pro-active in figuring out the next step of my life, I found that posting still there so reapplied for it purely just to stop her nagging and to give me approval to go to Taiwan.

But because I had already applied for it three months ago, I was surprised to even get an email of response back in a matter of two days with an online written test.
And this is why I feel that God is calling me back to Hong Kong:
When my friends and I arrived in Taiwan, my friend decided to switch on her phone. She told me that she was able to get reception, and while I was planning on not switching my phone since I don't get many calls here, I turned it on to test it myself. Twenty minutes later I get a call from the administration office of my future workplace asking to come in for an interview the following Tuesday.
They gave me a first interview with two editors (one of them being my boss) followed up by a second interview with HR director, Content Director and my supervisor. I had to bring with me a letter of recommendation with me. Yet the letter of recommendation that I got from my senior internship was in New York. Then I recalled just this past May, my thesis teacher, emailed me suddenly to tell me I couldn't graduate because they were missing my senior internship letter and essay. I was really confused at the time since I submitted it in January but I scanned the letter in and emailed it to her.
So I had the letter of recommendation already on my laptop to show to my workplace.

I like interviews. I don't mind doing them when I really believe in what I say and being myself is easy. No, I don't have a portfolio of work that pertains to this area but I do have my art portfolio in which you can begin to see where my work crosses the line from design to writing.
I think they were a little confused as to how to position me in the company. My strengths lie in the ability to not only visually communicate ideas as showed in my sketchbooks but also through words. Not only do I write, but I also design menswear and draw a lot of random stuff. I guess it's also a weakness: I'm really all over the place. My first interview spanned from 9:30 till 11:45, including another one hour written test. The second, being only an hour.
Nervous? No, because interviews are essentially the company trying to get to know you as a person to see if you're a good fit for them. And what a better excuse to talk than to talk about yourself? Lol. They asked me what my hobbies were to which I said "photography and baking." They seemed surprised particularly when I said photography- but one of the interviewers and I started a conversation about her friend who used to help her photograph restaurants for reviews and eventually went solo focusing on desserts. What the: dessert photography is a professional field?! I want in yo.
Their largest concern, it seemed, was the salary I was to receive. In Hong Kong, it is standard for the potential employee to name a price and it is then negotiated from there. But because I have never worked let alone in Hong Kong, I had no idea what to ask for. My one concern, I told them, was that I had to pay off my loans.
Yet I wasn't sure how to tell them how much I should earn because personally, I think the company should make an offer first in seeing how much they value that potential employee rather than being in the awkward position of having to set a price which seems a little prideful. But they gave me a range of what they offer an entry level employee. It's probably not even half of what people in New York make but it's not bad for the living standards here (let alone paying taxes).

And then, I got the call today whilst I was on the phone with my friend who was in the airport about to board a plane back to Toronto.
They offered me the highest paying entry level position there.
While money should not be the sole defining factor of success in a job, I can't help but laugh: because them business people have been telling me "design doesn't pay" and "fashion jobs get crap salaries" and "hong kong grads get nothing."
Mmmm but God is good is He not? Although this job salary amounts to perhaps half the pay of a New Yorker, it's double what grads are getting- and not only double what fashion students are getting but double what entry level accountants and bank associates are earning.

It pays, literally, to be different. I'm starting to learn that.
Especially in a monoculture city that is Hong Kong.
You write? You write and speak English and a sprinkling of Canto? You studied fashion?
In my team, ironically, I'm the only fashion design major. They're all writing kids: they're just working in a fashion company.

All this is good.
Yet I'm really torn.
I'm really torn by the fact that my life is always in a five year transition stages. Will it now be: Chicago, Toronto, Hong Kong, Toronto, New York, Hong Kong?

The top three things that I will miss about New York:
edit: I realized, after publishing, I only wrote one reason but I think it suffices
RWC: Man, I really see the difference in my attitude towards this church. I complained about the sermons and how I wasn't being spiritually fed, but last year, I suddenly began to get a lot from the sermons. Perhaps our pastors are not the next Mark Driscoll, but you can hear where his heart is at through his words.
I love Remnant Westside Church. Moreover, I will miss the people I have befriended there. If there was one reason why I'd hesitate to leave, it's because of the people. Location doesn't as matter as much as the people and since the job offer was given to me today, my mind's been flickering with a million flashbacks. And it's making it hard to leave.

I thought I found a group of friends to spend time with. It was not a closed-door clique but it was a place where I felt like I could belong in amongst the people. And, I thought, even if I didn't have a job nor a clue about my future, I'd still have a good support group of friends.
But Tuesdays at Zaiya will be no more.
Accountability nights will disappear.
Watching Korean movies and dramas while doing art or talking on the sofa: nada.
Going shopping in Soho with either a crazy guy or Parsons girls will cease to exist.
Mulling around K-town and Union Square with Red Mango,
lazing around in one of the Stuy town apartments or cooking/baking with Esther.

Yet I'm reminded that these things were all good things given by God. Not to dwell on in hopes of them repeating but having full confidence that all those wonderful things happened and to place my hope that God will show me something even better according to His will.
I'm scared of being forgotten and becoming distant with people there.

Move back to NY then?
I'd move back only for the sake of being near people. Yet I've always chosen to move in the name of what I do over people. Not that I do not value the people, I'm more the relational type than anything, but I can't sit and wait either.

I'm torn, yet I remember I went through this exactly four years ago.
And look at me now, I've grown so much in college and at church.
Man, so many things happened this past year that was no mere coincidence.

If God showed me a photograph of my past Taiwan trip with my friends, I would have stared in disbelief because two of them didn't exist in my circle of friends until this year. By the way, God also allowed us to go to Taiwan last week rather than this week where there was a huge typhoon that devastated many parts of the nation.... thank God, because my first choice was to go this weekend. :S

I've started to wonder: if people, those not of the Christian belief, say that God does not exist while I'm praising Him for all that He has done for me... are they saying that I, in fact, did it all on my own? I can only come to this conclusion: if it is not God- if He did not exist- they are saying that I am successful because of my own effort OR out of sheer luck.
Now if it was out of my own hard work and effort, they are just elevating me as something God like. But something doesn't feel right about this because many events that happened were too perfect to say they were not orchestrated. There was no way many things that occured this past year was out of my own will.
Now if they point it to the luck factor, then if we all had to live our lives banking on our four leaf clovers and horseshoes, I'd rather give up now. Even though I may be working really hard, if only my chance at success is dealt to me through a couple of lucky cards, then what's the point in trying? The game of luck is random and reckless and there is no order to the design of it all.
If I learned anything from my thesis work this past year it is this: it is impossible to have a working thesis unless you design it with a purpose, a meaning and an intent behind it. Those theses that were just BSed through, you could pick them out easily because there were holes and flaws in their reasoning which reflected in the design outcome.
The only luck I believe in is what we call 'God's Grace.'
I know I don't deserve any of this because I am nothing, but He has given me all this simply because He loves me.

And if God wants me here, He'll be with me.
What exciting things do you have in store for me?
You are infinite, and gracious, abounding in love.
I'm really shortsighted, so make me see.



On a lighter note...

ROFL. So true.

Taiwan Conversations
(conversation on Pixar... when is it not?)
Joon: Oh I'm a huge fan of Pixar. I have five of their dvds.
S: Oh yeah? Which ones?
Joon: Shark Tales
S: Um I think that's Dreamworks. 'Finding Nemo' was the sea version of that.
Joon: I have Shrek
S: That's also Dreamworks
Joon: Ratatouille.
S: Yup that's Pixar. What about the other two?
Joon: Shrek 2 and 3.
S: Errrrr
Joon: Well I guess I'm a Dreamworks fan.
S: -_-

Joon: My theory is that the most 'Hong Kongese' person is the one who hangs out with the most people from HK.
Agnes: Well... I'm from Hong Kong and so is Sam and technically Dion is Chinese so we're all hanging out with two chinese people and a Korean... But you're the Korean hanging with three people from Hong Kong, so actually you're the most Hong Kongese out of all of us.

Paper Dreams

Edit: this just in:

Polaroid stop motion of Dion and his polaroid obsession. Taken in Taiwan, four of us in the mirror, photos by me, gif by Dion. Check out his awesome portfolio Comma Comma.
What what? What is that? Closer, closer, colours make an entrance, forms are introduced, light emerges from the grey.







Our lantern floating quickly off into the clouds

Listening to: Avril Lavigne I Will Be
People ask, "how was Taiwan? How did you see anything with only three days there?"

But really trips are good not only because of the destination but the experiences are largely made up of the people.
It was not fun because the things we did, ate and saw were spectacular but it was the company that made it what it was.

We went to this one area called 'Shirfen" where they had these little stores that sold five feet tall paper lanterns. You choose a colour according to the meaning you wanted to convey(pink=friendship, love, orange=power, red=prosperity etc) and then you sit around a table to write and draw your dreams out. After they open it up, light the interior and together, you release it into the sky in hopes that the heavens will take note and answer your dreams.
-------------------------------------------

I saw 'Up' again in theaters in Hong Kong.
And I was amazed even more so the second time watching it than I was the first time round in New York exactly two months ago.

What impresses me, astonishes me and bedazzles me about Pixar is this: their ability, sensitivity to the world around them. Unlike filming a human-based movie, you cannot simply tell the character to jump, walk or run, nor can you tell the vegetation-based backdrops to stir at the sound of wind. Every single nuance has to be orchestrated. Hence Pixar animators have to be extremely aware of how things work, move and interact with one another.

They also have the ability to bring to awareness even the smallest detail of how we interact with one another. One small gesture can become so meaningful. When the character crosses his heart as a mark of a promise to his wife or readjusting the wooden bird on the mantle piece so that it is angled perfectly to how she would have liked it: all these small actions just make the characters even more real.

I have never seen another movie in which in a matter of an eight minute reel of a couple's life together, the audience is reduced to tears because they are already so attached to them.
That is power. And not only power but just a glimpse of the passion that the animators at Pixar have for their craft. You can see their heart in the growth of facial hair on the old man as time passes by. Dude if I was animating an old man, I would not remember to animate his stubble. Yes, it's just those small details which makes Pixar all the more real.
In watching 'Up' I have become more aware of how the elderly move, how they interact and you know what? I see it every day when I go to the market with my grandmother yet all these things pass me by. It takes something unreal to make me realize the real.

But yeah the one thing about Pixar I love is their passion for their craft. I was told every film takes four years to make and they do exhaustive experiments and tests in real life in order to study, imitate and animate. For 'Up', they actually floated a ton of balloons inside their studio and had to cover all the fire alarms on the ceiling in case they started going off.
To animate 'South America', a team was actually sent there to study the landscape and scenery over there.
You can't say "just look at photos, they're the same thing."
Which is why I find business people unbelievable. It's just not the same thing. If you only experience the 2D, you will get 2D animation.

If I could work for Pixar, I would. In a heartbeat I'd move to San Francisco or Vancouver. Their passion is infectious.


--------------------------------------------

The Drawing of Dreams

Sitting on the stool trying to figure out what dreams to express was the most, I guess, frustrating thing I had to do particularly as a graduate trying to find her ground.
Geez, Sam, you don't have to take it so seriously. It's all just for fun.
Yes I know that but it's the fact that I really don't know what direction I want to go towards that makes me concerned.
I can't draw my dream because first, I don't know if I ever received what I so wanted, if it'd be something I'd really want. Secondly, if I could draw my dream out on paper and make it into something tangible, well, it wouldn't be that marvelous would it? Plus my imagination is limited to what I think every person would want in life: car, money, boy, girl, house, job. But when does a person's dream ever revolve around serving other people? Hardly ever.

Yet if you ask me what my dream is as of now it would be
1) To find fulfillment and meaning in what I do. Sounds vague? Well it doesn't matter what the heck I do as long as that is there. But if you want to know what I find meaningful at the moment it would be:
2) To realize my thesis as a living, breathing, functioning system. I want to be the Pixar of fashion.

But that dream, I realized last night, may be something I have to let go. Not that I just gave up, but for now, I may have to backtrack and put that on hold. There's a scene in 'Up' where the old man has to make a decision of whether to save his house along with all his memories of his wife or to rescue his new companions.
In that split second I realized that sometimes you have to let go of these dreams to gain something better. At times we are so bent on pursuing one thing that in our disillusionment, do not realize how beautiful what is already in front of us.

I love this line from 1 Timothy 6:6-7:

But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.
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There is a chance right now, that I may not come back.
Well, not to make it sound like it's set in stone, there is a chance I my calling is in Asia for now. But nothing is set and the cards are still being dealt.
I told God, "just like Isaiah, here I am, send me. Like him, I want to see and experience Your glory."
Yet when it comes down to following this, I'm actually afraid.

I'm afraid, after having finally made a solid group of friends in New York, I have to start from scratch again. I know what God has done for me and I remember the past four years in which He has provided for me yet I can't help but look at what I have in Manhattan and asking "again? It's been four years and am I to move again?"
I have come to love my church and now having to leave that is really difficult. It was at this church that I have come to know God in a deeper way, it was where I met other people who were passionate about pursuing God and finding a fellowship of people who I could lean on.

I'm also afraid of the people in Hong Kong.
Two days ago, I had dinner with someone I had not seen in ten years.
He told me, "I thought you'd study something else. I remember, you were smart. I thought you'd be a lawyer or a doctor.. not in design."
To him, as a business major, design is fine arts. Design is strictly painting or colours. To me, design is brand imaging, design is systems-planning, design is animated films, design is creating an image to be positioned in the mind of the consumer. Design infiltrates everything we see, touch, use and interact with. Yet it goes unnoticed when it is well executed.
Design, in many ways, is more difficult than say medicine, law or business. Because we have to imagine what if rather than what is. You can understand the body by reading the textbook and attending lab sessions at hospitals yet though you may study design in architecture, books, clothes, you still may not be creative enough to actually design.
To people in Hong Kong, design does not make money. Design is not business and business is not design. But having designed a business for my thesis, I can say they are inextricably one.

If I choose to stay here, I know the battle against the business-driven mindset is going to be frustrating. On one hand, I want to return to New York where design is regarded with importance yet I am reminded that in some ways, I should stay here because I am different. I have something to offer: I can make people realize the importance of art and design, not only for its commercial potential.
Hong Kongers are always in awe of the Japanese, and I've noticed it is because there is a lack of design and innovation here in Hong Kong to begin with. ANYTHING seems better than what is here.

God, I'm so lost.


Polaroiding in Taiwan. We did a series of shots that captured the colour development of a single Polaroid shot. Hopefully my friend will make a GIF out of it so I can post it here.

Quote from Up:
Russell- Sometimes, it's the boring stuff I remember the most.

How true. All my favourite memories are of those where we do nothing.