Black vs white.

It's interesting how society always complains about being racist against black people and how we have black history month and stuff like that to commemorate those days where black people were treated as outcasts and next to nothing when they just turn their backs on asians and do the exact same darned thing.
My mom told me that some airheaded New York radio station decided to take this famous song and turned it into a parody that made fun of asians and the tsunami victims. How completely insensitive is that? And there was a time where Abercrombie decided to be funny and put emblazoned the words 'Two Wongs make on White" on their t shirts (actually I found that kinda funny. My cousin remarked that she would've gotten one if they didn't pull them off the shelves. but I guess it is kinda insulting to some).

Have you noticed when singers sing about diversity and racism they always compare whites with blacks and not whites with yellows or blacks with yellows.. I guess it's cuz white and black are complementary but still.

And where are all the Asians in magazines? All we see are the blacks and the whites.. where are all the asian people?

Number of runway slots for Asian models: 1

It makes you feel as if Asians aren't good enough or beautiful enough. Even if you did see an Asian in a fashion spread, they usually have some characteristics that make them look like Caucasians such as high cheekbones or large, double lidded eyes or a tall lithe figure.

Oh yes those DJs who made the parody were forced to donate money to the tsnuami victims. I think that wasn't harsh enough of a punishment. They should have been fired for getting a laugh in someone's misery at the expense of others.

Looking back, it's kinda cool how ordinary people like us can transform such simple things and spin them into complex stories. You'd think that only those in the movies would have extraordinary tales to tell but every now and then you stumble upon a person who seems quite ordinary until they share with you something so interesting that happened in their life.... thus making every person unique and special. I guess you could say that Amanda Marshall's song is quite correct in saying that "Everybody has a story that could break your heart". Especially stories of human connection in which we can all look back into our lives and see how people have touched us and transformed our lives.
I've never thought of my life as being anything worth publishing, or anything film worthy but there are just some moments in life where you feel like as if you were part of a movie and everything seems to be perfect: just the way you would have wanted it to be. Even the most simple activity can bring back picture perfect memories in which you can find utter bliss and happiness. Isn't that the most beautiful thing about memory? Our minds tend to forget the negative experiences (unless it was a crisis) and enhance the memories of the good times that we've had.

'I sit alone in the dark theatre watchin' the people go by hand in hand everybody but me.'

Love is in the air... love is in the air... While listening to the Delilah show in 97.3 (yay! the parentals radio station! lol) and hearing guys oogle over their fiancees and how they'd love to spend the rest of their lives and how they've finally found their soulmate... it's becoming increasingly difficult for a single girl/female/woman/person to remain proud of her independency, youth and freedom when everyone around her is telling her stories of love and their 'other halves'. In a world saturated in bridal magazines and online dating services, insisting that being single is passe (even this article I was reading was talking about designers pairing up to whip up new items. Since Sex and the City has ended, being single is out). Do we really need to know how 'incomplete' we are? Do we really need girls sashaying down the cobbled streets toying their boyfriends at hand with a dozen of pristine carrier bags like they've just gone on a shopping spree without touching their own wallets? It gets frustrating. You dont' want to feel like you're all alone but you can't help it because of everything around you that insists that your life would be fulfilled when you find that 'special someone' (ew the cliches!). It makes you wonder if you'll ever find that somebody. I don't care that I'm not in love yet, just that I don't like how everyone is being all lovey dovey and saying how wonderful romance is. Sappy love songs don't help at all. Oh I'm such a bitter, cynical Bridget Jones (before she gets Colin Firth that is. At least I'm twice as young as her) Lol. Give it all to God, give it all to God.. Well I have but still that time comes once in a while where you question His perfect will and what he has in store for you. Sometimes you wish that you could peek into the future to assure present self that these worries are just fruitless.... I think it's time for a little indulgence with a couple of girlfriends to rid myself of all these anxieties. Nothing like a little shirt or a pair of earrings to ease the pangs. Then again, I'd like to pop over to the vintage store to get a sweet sundress... hm... LOL. This is what I call Shopaholic Therapy. It's good for me, I swear! ;)

Today on the bus, our little clique (ew) of AY art visuals gathered around several seats and basically talked about guys, prom, and..... guys. LOL. It was interesting because most of them are attracted to guys who are four to five years older.... so that's like fourth year university. We concluded the obvious: that the maturity level of guys in university appeal to those of girls around my age. Yes so if you're a 17 year old guy, take my advice, act like a university student. HAHA. Seems like everyone is chasing someone save myself. They asked me today whether or not I'd go out with a guy shorter than me or a guy who's not Asian. Sure I guess just as long as he's Christian. They say it's hard for Amy and I to find someone because we're relatively taller. Which reminds me of an incident that occured the other day.
My mom had to get that disgusting black syrup medicine for my cold so we went to her usual chinese herb place to buy it. The lady told my mom I was (directly translated) "tall enough to date" (lol.. I was thinking what the heck is she talking about...You have to be a certain height to go out? She later told me that means I'm old enough.. puahaha. She also called me a 'ming sing' [does that mean movie star?] and said I must've been born here cuz I have the 'look' of a North American chinese as opposed to an HK one. LOL. They also call you 'leng lui' but I have this negative image in my mind considering salespeople used to call me that just to sell me stuff... even the old woman with stacks of toilet paper on the street.. lol. so funny). Yeah.. and another thing... My mom meets this lady at the restaurant we were eating at and she finds out I'm entering university this coming year. The first thing she asks me is "Did you apply to Queens?" which puzzled me because the normal question would've been "what universities did you apply for?". I found it quite... not exactly insulting but kinda provoked almost? Because I don't like the fact that I've assumed this identity of an Asian left brained person who's going to life science or business or political science. It's always in the mindset of an Asian, that the road to success is through the 'brainy' careers. It makes me annoyed to find people thinking I have the easy way out because I'm taking art. It makes me even more annoyed when people take art to get the high marks or because it's a bird course. Perhaps I'm not doing homework at the moment but it doesn't mean I've temporarily pushed my work aside. The mind is always at work, trying to figure out how to express ideas and compositions so they in key with each other and balanced. In a way you could say art is superior to science (ah don't kill me!) because in being a family doctor or a nurse or whatever.. you are just following procedures whereas the designer/artist must seek new ideas and always have the mindset of tomorrow. Art contradicts itself all the time, worshiping one idea then snubbing it as childish the next. To be a designer is to be on top of things, knowing what the trends are and how to make these trends something unique and different from the rest. Ergh.. I don't think I'll be an interior designer for long. Hahaha.. I went off topic. That's all for today.

Art and design, qu'est-ce que c'est le difference? When I entered the OCAD building we had to sign under the 'art' section or the 'design' section... why the heck were they under two different categories? And it was kinda funny because Dorothy had to answer that question at her York/Sheridan interview and she gave a really good answer. Design can be a sub-category under Art but the main difference between art and design is that design usually caters towards certain people. Art is basically the feelings and opinions of the artist that are portrayed visually through their work. It serves to please oneself whereas design sets out to please all (or the potential consumers in the case of marketers). My explanation sucks... Dor's was so much better.. It sounded a lot more profound. LOL.

Whilst frosting cupcakes today.. I was quite fascinated by how the frosting 'reacts' when the blade of the knife presses down upon it and pushes it around. After pushing the knife down on a dollop of icing against the dark brown surface of the cupcake, I was quite captivated by the dramatic contrast: vanilla white against deep chocolate. And the way the frosting rolled against the metal blade- lazily, curling and tumbling against layers of sugar... coating the skin of the cake with a sweet stickiness. It reminded me of a persian cat content after its fill of cream and kippers. HAhaa... who would've thought there would be so mcuh to say about frosting?

Here I am, prepping to go to my OCAD interview tomorrow... choosing only 15 pieces of work is hard.... for Pratt and Parsons, I need 20... so it's difficult to narrow it down to only 15 because I wanna show a broad range of techniques, media and skill level. It's funny how I am prepping up my sketchbook and chocking it full of printed images of my artwork (so they can see my other work without me actually bringing it.. so technically if you have a potential 30 to choose from, take photos of fifteen and stick them into your sketchbook and show the other fifteen. haha) considering I don't even want to go to OCAD.. I guess I just want to get accepted because it wouldn't be so great if I didn't get in.... I mean we're Arts York Visuals Students (and yes it's an assumption that we should all get in.. it's not whether we deserve it or not, it's more like this whole snobby system where we think we automatically get in because we are the AY Visuals.. yse.. we're all snobs). Blah.. whatever... Today was so confusing.. I'm totally confused.. Maybe I am sped.. (pffft)

I'm so tired of this life (sorry, I'm adding to the number of hopeless sounding blog entries but it's therapeutic). I despise trying to guess the veiled meanings of what people say. Why can you not just simply tell me and life would be so much easier. Why go through all these petty guessing games? Why sacrifice time trying to be coy when you could have used that time to get to know each other. It doesn't make sense. My heart softens and hardens at the same time. When people make me guess I feel exasperated. Who are you? Why do you like to make me think one way and then another the next? This not only is damaging to relationships but creates a sense of distrust. I just want to be real. I just want people to be real.

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TANIA IS MY BEST FRIEND........ ha!

'You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.' Revelations 2:3-5

Happy Valentines Day to those who are not cynical and bitter towards this Hallmark holiday as I am. I'm kidding. Instead of wallowing in self pity over my singleness and not having a boyfriend to shower gifts on me (hahha!), I've taken the time to do a little something for all my friends with brownies and cards(except I never got around to writing cards for everyone cuz I had to personalize each one.. takes a long time and I didn't have enough brownies for everyone). I guess it was worthwhile. I got a message from Dorothy saying:

'thanks soo much for the card it was so nice of yoou hahahha... thankssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss it made my day believe it or not'

And just to get a compliment like that makes it all the worthwhile. I feel so incredibly happy when I am able to cheer other people up.
Yeah this Valentines Day, I am making sure that I do not forget my first love. The sermon was on part of this passage.. on endurance, except I got something totally different from the passage itself. The sermon was mediocre. I think after CD team critiques, it makes them look all bad. :S
I guess this serves as a constant reminder for all of us that in the midst of all the pink foil chocolate hearts, overtly bright red cards and shiny Cupid balloons, that we have to remember why we love and who loved us first.

Booo..... andrew where are you.. you said you'd finish your hw and then go online loser! Or are you too busy watching the everchanging NBA stats. Loser.

A thought had just crossed my mind a month ago but I haven't been on blogger much either... I was thinking that our school clubs often echo what our world values and what its primary interests are. For example, I remember getting the pizza for Eco Action at the office, and besides our meager two boxes, there were another half dozen. It turned out that the boxes were for Deca. So if you look at the number of Deca members in comparison to the number of Eco Action attendees... it's quite obvious that Deca it at least three times as big as Eco Action.
It is apparent that more people care about business and making money than the environment. Yes it might be a generalization but I find it's an interesting observation.

Thanks Sam for the lyrics and the song title. You're more reliable than Alex who was in worship team but doesn't know the song name OR the lyrics. lol.

I'm out of anything profound to say so I guess I'll just end it here. I woke up so many times last night in troubled sleep. It was all a dream, an illusion.

For the first time this year I wanted high school to end and go to university. For the first time this year I wished I could just go away from here and start anew. People can be so incredibly fickle that you don't know how to please them and yourself at the same time. They put on masks and facades and then complain that people just know their superficial self. Or they tell you one thing and then go behind your back and say something completely different. Well how can you understand them and know them better if they don't let you? Well I guess you can't really do anything about that. You want to talk to people but they don't respond to you and it makes you wonder if you should've acted differently. Or they just act all weird and you feel so estranged from them as if you never knew them in the first place. In order to know someone better, you must first make yourself vulnerable. To tell them things that are beyond the everyday life things and go into the heart. I wish everyone would just grow up and be more understanding of one another, to be more vulnerable. I'm not saying we should just lay ourselves on the line and let the whole world know your fears and dreams, but it is not necessary to fuse a mask on your face either. If you want people to understand you, let them know you. I hate playing these petty games. I make myself vulnerable because I want to get to know people better but they don't necessarily respond in the same way. But that's okay, I'll go to New York and start over. I'm getting bored of the same scene.. I feel as if my friendships were at its peak in grade 11 and then they all started depleting. It's like they've plateaued.

In my frustration I think God has taught me a lot this past week and it's quite funny how he speaks to me. It first came in my monthly Christian teen magazine for girls and there was this conversation between a girl and God. And the whole 'problem' was so applicable in my life, it fit into my situation perfectly. My problem? I have a problem in doing devos.. a huge problem. I should read the Bible but MSN is so tempting and having to do portfolio and stuff (I should be working on world issues but whatever) to do. I've thought about it: why do we all struggle with doing devos/reading the bible? It's either we believe in God or we just don't care to build a relationship with Him. It's really only those two choices. And I guess like the girl in the article, God has been overshadowed in favour of my earthly friends. I try to be a good friend but sometimes I feel as if I get the cold shoulder. And I was feeling frustrated until I heard a voice speaking to me 'Well isn't that how God feels? You pray really hard right before an English seminar, you ask for His guidance only in times of trouble. You don't open up to him yet he's always there for you and has always delivered you even when you thought there was no way out. Do you not treat God in that same way? He wants to know you more however you don't let Him.' So after that 'revelation', it didn't seem so bad.
Okay, so now I should start reading the bible more. I really really like Paul's letters. I was feeling incredibly discouraged yesterday and reading Corinthians and Romans 12 helped a lot. I felt so much better before I went to sleep. At worship this morning I really liked one of the songs because God has been so faithful though I have not been (except Alex doesn't even know what the name is. It's nameless. boo... nor do I remember all the lyrics so I can't find the song online without the title!

You are my shield, my strength, my power, deliverer. My Saviour, strong tower, you are.... (I shall find the lyrics from Robyn later! Unless you know what it is and would like to tell me!)

Not looking for any sympathy or attention. Just feeling hollow and alone. I know nothing, I feel so stupid, revolving in my own bubble. I feel so ignorant. I know no one else's pain or suffering. I get compassion fatigue. It's pretty bad. Hopefully world issues and politics will burst this little bubble of mine. They tell me to read the newspaper. My mom tells me to read the sections other than home, food, fashion and sports (geez...... yes I'm shallow... world news really does not interest me to put it bluntly. I really cannot take much political stuff.. that's why I'm taking politics!). You know what, I really know nothing. I can never remember the dates of important wars, when Canada became independant (1867?)....... I try to read about world news.. I read about crimes in Toronto... I read about the abusive actions that the American and British soldiers had taken upon the Iraq prisoners... but I really don't like reading about... elections... that stuff...

I've always read about how great people do great things because they're driven by one thing or another. Let's say... Mother Theresa's compassion for the poor and sick lead her to commit a life that was dedicated to those who were less fortunate. Isaac Stern driven by his passion for music, his way of reaching out to people through a violin. Missionaries who spoke about their long term work in Uganda (it was so touching) were driven by their love for God. So this all builds up to my ultimate question: how do you find your passion? What drives you to do something- something great? What would move you so much for you to go out of your way just so that you can do something because you love doing it? I love doing some things... I love art (to a certain extent), I love design, I love shopping (to a certain extent) but I feel most happy when I'm connecting with people. But what would I do in order to reach certain goals? To achieve something great.. to be driven by my passion... But this is where the dilemma falls: I have no passion. I can love something, but I don't feel almost... 'inspired' to take the first step. I can't seem to get out of my comfort zone. Say for example, I'd love to help people who are less fortunate then me, but I admit, I am lazy and when the opportunity arrives I make excuses. Or for example, if I do get accepted to my dream university in New York, do I really want to take that step out of that comfortable house in Toronto and live entirely on my own? Although the tuition fees are in the $44,000 Cdn range, I know this will pay off in the long run. I would be able to get a better job in New York because (to put it bluntly) the city is artistically stronger (80 museums in that city including the MOMA and the Guggenheim) and the internships are crazy good at Parsons. You see, I adore fashion. To some it may just be clothing, but for me, it's an art. It's design. It's about making people feel good about themselves and it's basically another way of expressing yourself. But my hopes in becoming involved in the fashion industry are pretty slim to none because I'm too lazy to learn how to sew. In fact, I remember I used to hate sewing cuz I screwed up on a pillow and had to take out all the stitches. It was pretty frustrating. Plus the odds of hitting it big is pretty small considering Parsons accepts 459 fashion students all competing to become Number One. I don't want to be a starving artist who lives in a Bohemian chic shack. You know, the easiest way out is to go into Ryerson where if my other two art buddies go in, I shall already know 2 out of 90 people. Plus there are those who will go to U of T and Toronto is not exactly the most difficult place to navigate around (I'm gonna have a great time trying to find 52nd street along the 59th, 55th, 56th... ergh.. and the subways are so ugly and crap there.. and so difficult to get by).
So anyway, I have no passion. I'm not passionate about saving the environment like others. I do my share of trying to save energy and recycle but I don't feel compelled to do much more. Not like I do that with anything anyway environment, art or whatnot.
If someone was to point a gun in my face and asked if I was a Christian, the obvious answer would be to say yes. But in reality, I think I would be freaking scared. I think I would say yes but who is to judge? I might say no when the time rolls around. But what would I die for? What things compel me to go beyond the mediocre? I cannot say, I'm still trying to look for what my heart sings to. But I shall find out, one day or another.

My words have been few these days... months... ever since English started and we had to pen our thoughts into journals. It seems as if I have nothing really to contribute to this blog. I have nothing profound to say and I really have no point in any of my entries.

Have you noticed how we live in such a hopeless world full of hopeless songs lamenting about hopeless things? Really, it's quite depressing. I know everyone loves Simple Plan, Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, Sum 41 etc etc because they sing of a lot of things that our generation of youth feel today.... but it'd be nice to offer up some solution to this hopeless feeling of nothingness rather than to sing solely about the pain. And sometimes even though they are singing about their feelings of anger and rejection it begins to sound like self pity.

We live in a broken generation, a broken generation that wants what they cannot find. Seek but do not see. Hear but cannot follow.

The simple things, the everyday things are the essence of beauty. That familiar, still and sweet smile. The sense of belonging (everytime I say that, it reminds me of Skin of a Lion for English. lol) in the embrace of a hug. The epitome of contentment in the presence of another. The knowledge of the quiet, still strength in the hand clasped around yours.... yes I have truly found my place, for although I am only 1 in 2000, to me, you are more special than any other. You are unique to me because of all those times I have wasted with you... writing notes... making random gifts.. buying drinks for no reason.... I have distinguished you from all others because my effort in you makes you special. And above all, it is the simplicity in the complexed vision of love, I just love you for who you are. You make me glow.

Yay, dress is bought but I look wide (aka larger) in it. Scarred for life. :( No more thinking about that! Now onto Parsons home exam... $%&^*^% (and no that was not swearing). Sigh.. I don't like cutting paper up and using only a small square of it. Really, I feel guilty (haha.. and I don't really feel guilty about getting expensive things. That's actually pretty amusing.. I feel guilty for cutting up paper and not guilty when I splurge on luxury items.. LOL... oh I crack myself up)...
Mmmmmm.. I feel so brainless right now. Seriously I have come to realize I pretty much suck at writing thanks to English. I suck at writing and it's dawned on me. I'm so stupid, entering English thinking I could even write better than a lot of people. Guess not. Yech. I've been basically relying on my seminars to pull my mark up and I can't even write a darned essay. I've basically tried my 'best' (okay I no longer know what people mean when they say 'try your best' cuz I feel like I can always do better) and I've only gotten an 81. That's really pathetic. Really. And no, I'm not comparing myself with others, I'm just disappointed that if I truly did put 100% effort into English, I still get an outcome of 81%!?!? In the past three years I've gotten 80% without trying as hard. Omg.. I don't get it. I shouldn't try. I mean I got 90% on my anti painting without trying as hard. Is it possible to overthink and overtry? I don't think so...

Ah.. blogger. Lol. I have not blogged in ages. Not like anyone visits my site anymore but whatever... its a blog of nonsensicals (yes that's my word).
I like reading the New York Times. One of the most amazing magazines ever (Yes I can be intellectual and 'open minded' when I want to be). I've learnt quite a lot from reading it every sunday. I mean I just learnt what Progeria is! It's when a child ages quickly causing him to resemble an old man stuck in a child's body. Really scary.. Hence they die at the mere age of 12. That's pretty sad. They found out there was something wrong in Chromosome 1 with how the cells developed.. the chromosomes were inverted. LOL.. but I'm no scientist so I can't really tell you how they get the disease. There are only 60 kids in the entire world who have it.
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There was this old NY times magazine I had kept and the entire issue was on children and how companies are trying to market products to them and how to get them to buy an item. They also featured intricate playgrounds with faux mist and high tech materials.. crazy.. Then they featured an interior space that this child had. Crappers it was huge! Her bedroom is three times the size of mine and it's all furnished professionally! What the heck. They also had these pictures of kids with toys and such... Then I came across this black and white ad in the middle of the magazine from some foundation for the children of the third world countries and it was pretty large juxtaposition with the page next to it: a layout of children happy in this bright polka dotted room.
And there were other articles too.. about this Christian university (I like reading the comments written by readers. they're interesting), extreme evangelists, people who can barely make ends meet but are not homeless which populate a large area of the USA... lol.. And of course to balance all this seriousness, I read the style section. mmm.. sorry... I must succumb to my superficial, shallow side.... visual confectionaries.