High/Low: Change.

Wow I have never experienced such a high/low within a matter of twenty four hours.


I made this brand redesign package for the CEO last week in hopes that that our Content team could convince him to really take a chance to give it some personality. He, told us, that a brand should blend in and not stand out. To us, that sounded like a total contradiction.

I recall at my interview, my boss was telling me that change comes very slowly at this company; that working here would either bring out the best or worst of me.

After our first rebranding meeting, my team and I left extremely frustrated at the merchandiser and the lack of drive to take a risk to do something different. Currently all our brands are more or less the same and without much of a distinct visual identity.

I was frustrated but then it dawned on me, that if I wanted to see change, I couldn't sit back and just complain: I have to pro-actively do something about it.

And who else could create a brand package? I am that synthesis of visual design, fashion, business and writing. Although I came with no particular field of study, the more you know the more skills you can apply to whatever the job calls for.

Yesterday my boss approached me asking to help him get six chicken McNuggets from McD's. He hesitated and told me that he spoke to the CEO and he was really surprised by the CEO's answer. I told him to save it for later at 4pm when our Content team was to get together to talk about it.
4pm rolls around. He tells us again that he was surprised by the reaction of the CEO. Essentially at their meeting, he bought into the whole pitch including my proposal for a brand name revision. This, we realized, would change the entire way our website operates. In the past, the merchandiser would purchase what she thought a customer would like, and then we would write a note about it. Now, our team is given a lot more power in dictating the overall look and feel of the brand. As he said, we will be working more closely with the merchandiser and integrate content with product line. To top this off, he said the merchandiser would most likely need to be taught what to buy when in Korea and he points to me and says, "you are most likely to be the one going to Korea. You'll be going to ten warehouses teaching them how to buy for this brand from how it will look to how to style everything. So prepare yourself psychologically to go to Korea."
aenrfkwanefa .asgalrnkgalwerekwjawiae;enf sdfwawe,.frawn!!!!!
All this time I was trying to look serious as if this was all brand new to me but in my head I was trying to control the corners of my mouth from twitching upward. Not in a way to say 'ha ha I am so smug that my proposal got accepted' but more like 'awerakjaw THANKS GOD.'
I have never felt so good. And I realize, I love being me. Not that I am better than anyone else, just that how I was created is good enough. Although I sucked at math and though my mother would complain to my host that I would struggle so much, my aunt would reply "well that means she's not meant to do math and she is to do art."
I still suck at math. Well, I'm just relatively slow for an Asian, but no one can think like I do. Very few people think design as a business, think of the bigger picture as well as the details, think about sustainability as well as fashion. This is my calling in life, and I do well in it because, God designed me to fulfill this calling. Not that the calling is to do branding all my life, but I think I'm starting to catch a glimpse of my future and my potential. I mean, if the CEO bought into it, that means I must be somewhat convincing. And if my thesis project taught me one thing, it was not about sustainable fashion but the importance of believing in yourself and in your work. Because no one will believe it if you don't believe it yourself first. For if you don't believe in it from the start, you will have already compromised the integrity of your work. And why waste time in doing something you either have little talent for or have a lack of passion in? Today I realized how loud the power of writing in combination with visuals can be over the spoken word. I didn't say a word to the CEO, and look, we are starting to make great changes! Of course, footnoted by Him alone.

My oh my. God is so good.
My crazy self wrote that on the shower glass that night when it hit me, if God thought what He created on earth was 'good' then what is 'great' to Him? If the earth, all the micro-organisms to the human brain to the construct of our soul is just 'good', then what the heck is 'awesome' to Him? I can't even fathom it.
That night I was supposed to go to a social networking event hosted by two advertising agencies on how to foster creativity but as soon as I got there I didn't feel like going in so left my friend with her friend, and went home (still on that high from the whole rebranding meeting). Stopped by Cotton On and found my pair of shorts were on the sales rack after having MIA-ed for three weeks (magically appeared from outta nowhere!): purchased for $25, baby. They resemble beach shorts and have this weird geometric pattern on them. But I like weird things so I thought as soon as this hellish 30 degree weather (yes still 30 degrees) cools down, I'll wear it with my boyfriend blazer, tights and boots. I'm still waiting. Summer must end now. I'm waiting to go for the Givenchy Sp10 look. Black and white geometry, now that's my kind of math.

Anyhow, that night I started to feel ill with a stomach ache. I thought I was just hunched over too long. THe following day after some not so nice bowel movements and going to work, I smelled my colleague's fried noodles and felt like puking at the scent. I felt achy all over but I thought it was because I was sitting at the office too long- I direly wanted a massage. I decided to go to a doctors and was diagnosed with HK's favourite disease: stomach flu and fever. Went home, couldn't sleep since I was aching. I had to cancel that night's baking session: my friend wanted me to help her bake a cake for her friend's b day the next day. I slept eleven hours that night. It's odd because I still felt like I needed to set an alarm which made me realize how stingy I am with sleep despite being sick. And I've never slept eleven hours. The past months including summer and my thesis year, I've been getting around six so eleven is very odd. It feels like a waste of time.
Today I felt a lot better. I was determined to get better, well, because I was gonna go to work. Turns up I didn't have to with a doc's note. The fever disappeared so I whipped up the cake this morn and tried to go out but felt very weak. I can tell because my usual fast paced walking is reduced to normal pedestrian mileage. On the bright side of things, stomach flu usually means an absence of a visible stomach. As in, because I only ate a few vegetables and congee, my stomach is soooo flat at least I look skinnier. I have a beach body sans the fake sucking-in stomach! ahahaha..I kid ever so slightly.

*****
How do you die to yourself when he pops up even in my dreams? My acc. partner said "well ask God to remove those dreams then," but I do not control them. We were in my Toronto house, it was Christmas. I had invited a lot of friends over and a layer of virgin snow lay bare on the ground. We were putting up Christmas lights- the candy colour kind and running around breathing out clouds of frost tinged with excitement and anticipation. I remember he was wearing grey and he came close to me and I knew, at that moment, the feelings were mutual.

I didn't even recall this dream till hours after I woke up. They're usually sandwiched between other random dreams but the fact that there really was no progress is quite frustrating. Not frustrating because it didn't happen but because I don't know how to submit all this to God but control what I feel, particularly dreams that surface out of my unconsciousness. Am I still holding on and not letting go? I don't know. All I do know is that I've never met someone like that before. I think that is why I have such a hard time letting it be.

A Conversation with God

So yesterday I was signed up to serve on the Hospitality Team which entailed prepping food, cooking, serving people and cleaning up. I received an email from the leader that she would later on email us concerning the schedule.

I waited.
I went to Sham Shui Po with my colleague to look and buy trimmings, jewelry parts and fabric swatches (crap I could spend a lot of money buying trimmings). Came back, it was 4pm, and still no answer from the leader. I decided to call her only to realize we were supposed to be there at 3pm and apparently she had sent me an email but for some reason, I never received it.

Anyway, I was a little annoyed because I was so tired and had to immediately trek to Central to help out. There wasn't much to do at the time because all the pasta was already prepped ready to be warmed up later. We went to prayer meeting and afterwards I met a few people. Hurrah.

After worship and the sermon, I went to help out behind the coffee bar. My first job: warm up the pasta and to dump it in the huge rice pot cooker. We were making Penne Carbonara and I was in charge of drawing a sign. Afterwards I had to take the orders from people and go around the room picking up empty plates and garbage which of course resulted in washing dishes. To be honest, I was frustrated. I didn't know if I felt like I was being used- as if serving was a method to incorporate me into a church without allowing me to get to know people more intimately through Small Groups or if I was just being too selfish for wanting to be involved but only on a social level. I think that frustration came out because there were too many times when I'd host dinners at my place and I would have to shoulder most of the work from start to finish and while everyone was sitting and talking after eating, I'd be in the kitchen washing the dishes and conversing with a wall.

I was doing the dishes facing the kitchen backsplash when I heard someone talking from behind. I semi turn around from the sink to see a guy standing in front of the coffee bar. I've seen him around- an active member of the church as a intecessory prayer person as well as an MC for the young adults services. He asks me my name- I tell him I've seen him around. I take the plates that he's set on the counter and that was that.

I was listening again to Agnus Dei on the way home trying to iono, cope in the midst of my impatience and weariness with making new church friends all over again. Are you Lord God Almighty? This time last year, I had found a new set of good friends whom we would always hang out with. Last year I had an accountability partner who was there to support me in whatever I was going through. This time last year, were we not performing as a group at Epiphany? This time last year, did we not walk the Williamsburg bridge talking about dressing up as Alice in Wonderland characters? It seems like only yesterday.
I know God is at work perhaps not in my timing but in His, yet at the same time my impatience is settling in to the point of indifference.

Today I arrived relatively late to church- I saw the guy who asked me my name the night before. It's nice when people actually approach you first sometimes like they actually notice that you are new and take the initiative to get to you. It makes me feel less like a lunatic and more at ease. I think he spotted me but it was so jammed pack in the reception, I just ran in to get a seat since I was already late. I ended up somewhere on the right center front. He comes around and sits in front of me and says hello. I told him I liked his watch (sorry, fashion part of me zooms in on these things. I am not a Kong girl who is into brand names. I just observe and take note of things I like beyond price. Like his Bape shirt. It was colorful and I liked it even though it must have been at least $100 USD.. if it's not from Mongkok, of course). He introduces me to the girl who was next to him. Carmen was her name. There was little to talk about since we did not share much common ground but service was about to start and Carmen's boyfriend had to sit in the place of the guy in front of me.

The sermon was really good. Really long but really good. He spoke about social injustice and how although we rightfully care about these things, often times the motivation behind trying to 'fix' these problems is for the elevation of Man. If people got together to try and work these issues out, as said by the UN last week, we could solve them sans God.
One thing really spoke out to me: We often try to do things for God rather than what He wants which is WITH us. Particularly concerning my thesis on environmental issues and the patterns of social consumer behaviour in fashion, I always feel like I need to rally God to help me on this project when in fact, God wants us to work WITH Him and not for Him per se; for the Son cannot do anything without the Father likewise as it is with us and God.
There are times when I fervently pray for God to show me if His will for me includes my thesis project. At times, I feel as if I prayed more, the more relenting God would be. Yet I KNOW that this is far from the truth as the pastor said, God simply wants us to delight in Him and our purpose in life is be delighted by Him. While most skeptics may say, "what kind of god is He if he wants all the attention, all our love and devotion? How egoistical and proud." To this I would say, there is no greater thing than for Him to give away Himself and Himself to be crowned the most glorious, wonderful thing in existence. For if anything is more delightful and pleasing than He is, then technically He shouldn't be rightfully named 'God'. But if you are the epitome of all that is good that God is, He wants us to find purpose and fulfillment in Him. It makes perfect logical sense in the most illogical manner of human thinking.

The service ended late and I had to get out to meet my cousin and her bf to go to Sai Kung today where we spent on the boardwalk with dogs and eating american sandwiches. Through the slow-moving congregation steadily trickling out, I heard someone call, "Sam." I whirled around to see the same guy behind me. He asks me what I thought of the service and I told him the sermon was really refreshing. I started to head towards the stairs and wanted to say goodbye to him when he said to me,
"I wanted to let you know that during the service, I was praying when God lead me to pray for you and to tell you that we appreciate you for serving. Serving isn't easy but don't give up."

Ahahhaa thanks God, You are so funny.
I told the guy, that I was very encouraged by what he said.
Thanks God, for answering through that guy. Although he didn't know me and had no idea what I was going through, God sees, answers, and uses other people to speak to us. He only saw me doing dishes the other night at our brief exchange of hellos. Actually in my 'depressed' state the night before, I wrote on the bathroom glass in the shower steam, "God are You there?" half expecting perhaps it'd be a Harry Potter moment where magically some words would appear below with an answer.
Despite all my frustrations, I don't give up because God has been dropping hints around everywhere I go. First the two consecutive weeks of worship songs that I was meditating on, deep conversations with my colleagues, then a chance to make a big impact on my company, and then this. Every week there is another reason to keep persevering; every day a reminder that there is an answer at the end of the road.
A colleague, out of nowhere, asked me, "Do you think that having a faith helps you in life?"
It took me by surprise actually because we were having a Japanese lunch right after she returned from her vacation to NY/TO. The Bible says to always be prepared with an answer to the reason for your hope (yes I will find the passage later). I shared with her how even though I am struggling with many things, I do believe that my hope is manifested through God because I know ultimately He will pull me through. And through all these struggles, I know that there is a reason for undergoing them unlike non-Christians who may think that all the pain is futile, I know there is a bigger picture and a reason and have the confidence that I will see it one day. For instance, my problems with church, another instance the reason why I have been single all this time. Do I know why I am not dating? No, not at this moment, but in due time I will. I do, at times, get into panic attacks about being single my entire life but if God really wanted me to be with someone it will happen. Pride aside, I always struggle with loving God first over finding my significant other. Though I pray to find complete joy in Him, I still wonder, still think and still hope in a guy. Wondering if it will ever be- perhaps not now, but in the future? But I am reminded that by seeking God, I seek for the best. And He is already mine: the greatest love of all, as we sang today at worship. If I seek for the significant other, I will find something second rate. It's hard but I go by this because God will remember me like He remembered Hannah.
By now, all my coworkers that I interact with know that I am Christian. None of them are but I am starting to wonder if God is leading me to witness to them and my other guy friend. I just see the futility and the hopelessness in their thinking of what love is. As the speaker said today, if you saw someone drown, would you not try to pull them out?

Tolerance is not a life vest. Tolerance is the fear of being wrong and the fear of offending someone. The fear of Man is called Tolerance. I cannot tolerate people being misled to believe that love is money. I cannot tolerate people believing that love doesn't exist because humans are flawed in their way of loving. How will tolerance save them?

AHaha thanks God, I just went on biblegateway.com to look for a passage and the Verse of the Day was this:
“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.”- Psalm 27:14

Let me walk with You.

Model Height

Steven Meisel for Vogue Italia, March,2008

I completed seven days but haven't had time to edit and stuff. Will do some time later.. when there's time.


I took my grandmother for dim sum today, my treat, considering I am now officially a working young adult. She invited a friend along, one that I knew, of her age whom began to pepper me with question about becoming fully of 'HK Flavor.' She asked me if I found a boy yet to which I said not interested in HK boys and my grandmother quipped that she should introduce me to one. She laughs and then says, the punch line:
"you're too tall."

In my head, I have always thought that the reason why I was less dateable was because, well, I hover clearly above the general population of Asians in Asia. What guy wants to date someone he can't psychologically protect physically? My colleague and I were rushing out on Friday night to get to our respective destinations with friends. I mentioned that I was going to change into heels to which she immediately says, "Are you going with a boy?"
I said no, I just want to wear heels because I feel like it. I wasn't in a rush so why not? Go home, shower, laze around and pick a cute outfit with heels to wear to the movies and dinner.
She said, "Oh so I guess you're the kind of person who wears heels because you just want to."

On Wednesday, I needed a pick-me-up beyond just making a tiramisu. Not having slept more than five hours stressing over a marketing project was irking me at work. My colleague, the weekend prior, was trying on a pair of heels at Zara and I reallly really liked how they looked. So from my isolated warehouse of a workplace, dashed all the way to Central to buy a pair of stilettos and dashed all the way back to TST to treat my aunt and friend for dinner.

I just needed them- not that they're of any practical value but I needed a de-stresser. Some girls love cute, fluffy stuffed animals. I can't really stand them: they are of no practical use to me and collect dust thus giving me hives. But a pair of stilettos? Even if they killed my ankles and even if I never wear them, I'd prefer hugging those to sleep than a stuffed animal (providing the heel doesn't ram into my soft corneas).
I slipped them on at Zara, preened in front of the mirror. People started staring and doing the Elevator Eyes. I guess who wouldn't, if you saw a six foot giant?
3.5" heels. I hobble, like all the other Central ladies in suits and pencil skirts: they may have dark undereyes and sallow skin, but they're dressed well and hobbling in their Miu Miu's.

But yes, with the shoes on, I'm about six feet.
Although I am tall, although I am too tall to be an eligible Chinese girl for most boys here, I comfort myself knowing that when I enter the subways I catch people first looking at my face, realizing that they have to look up, and then proceed to stare straight down at my feet to see if I am wearing any platform elevation. No, sorry, long legs are a natural elevation.
Screw the gym, my limbs grew an extra three inches just with a pair of shoes.

In the end, though I did stop wearing heels for the opposite sex, I realize the pleasure I derive from dressing the way I do comes from what I alone deem as sexy. To me, my legs look darn fine in stilettos because I myself think the shoes are hot (and I look skinnier!! lolol). I may resemble a grandfather in my pace (not used to being on the balls of my feet) but whatever, I'll be six feet anyway so whoever I meet should be at least that height right? ahaha.. kidding. I love this quote from this article about gender dressing: AA Gill on what men want women to wear

I like the look, because I’d notice how hot it is, but not everyone else would. And it’s that thing about me noticing, rather than anyone else, that makes it special.

That is what I define as 'sexy': the small details that most people wouldn't appreciate it because of its individuality.

I never really was 'boy crazy'. I mean, I never really was aware of it. My cousin, when we were at the tender age of twelve, would always write me letters concerning boys and boy bands... I was always puzzled as to why girls were always so obsessed with boys. Tee hee.
A friend asked me what I did if I caught someone checking me out. I told her I never looked at people- there were so many beautiful window displays in NYC, that I was always distracted with admiring the scenery.
I never really cared. It never struck me that I needed to date yet I guess I started wondering why I didn't care. And because I thought I was strange, I started to care. What a dumb mistake- I should have just stuck with being the me who never cared.
And now, I feel like it's supposed to be a source of panic: after watching 'The Ugly Truth' I realized that I've caught on to this cultural need to panic over not having a guy. Stupid and illogical- yet I've bought into it. God needs to change me: I'm waiting.

If I could turn back time
I'd go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'd go wherever you will go

How fitting. Even after the time that has passed, I am crushed that this hope is still not dead yet. It's the only song I can really listen to.

Sorry, this is all psychobabble. So tired T-T

2.7

Wearing:
Bubble hem skirt from Korea
Check jacket from thrift store in NYC by Narciso Rodriguez
Stirrup tights
Cole Haan X Nike sandals

That day on the subway, I saw a really slutty girl. I am not sure what else I could call her sense of fashion but she was wearing silver denim booty shorts, a strapless top with a bow across the top which revealed an inch of midriff from her lowrise pants, lacy thigh highs held up by stirrups and kitten heels. Her hair was dyed light brown and her face was covered with makeup. She got on the train and pulled out a pair of knitting needles and began to knit a large scarf like thing.

I guess she wanted to be ironic.

1.7

Wearing:
Cotton On T Shirt
HK Sheer Blazer
F21 Shorts
Mong Kok striped vest
Cole Haan X Nike sandals
Diesel Bag

Too busy with two blogs, occasional bouts of swimming, an opp to make small changes at the company, baking and forging new friendships. Oh and I've thought of a concept for my portfolio site- but no time to flesh it out yet! My brain is empty from only five hours of sleep.

But.... I've started the mini t-shirt project to keep me thinking.

If you think this is difficult, check out this girl's mission to raise money for kids in need of school uniforms by wearing the same dress for an entire year but styling it differently each day:The Uniform Project

The great thing about work is that we can wear whatever we want. It's awesome.

If I had to go corporate, I'd go crazy.

fuh-fuh-fashion

Love this song from the lyrics to the synthesizers: Owl City> Fireflies http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aI4JLa0hbUw
I noticed that I blog because I need to be either verbally talking to someone or else it's online. If I spend my days with someone, I don't feel the need to blog but because I'm in transition, I'm writing constantly long after work hours to compensate for the lack of conversation: not really to talk to anyone but just to blab about whatever because our office is dead silent. No one talks. And I'm an extrovert at heart despite my shy demeanour (yet my NY friends muse that I've become a lot louder since), so silence is met with fidgety fingers and restless ears. At work I have to be listening to music and talking on icq or I go ballistic. Silence makes me uneasy. Silence reminds me of loneliness.

Anyway I've been thinking a lot about fashion fashion lately (sans the sustainable design aspect) since as I said yesterday, every major city is parading new looks for spring this past month. I've come across a lot of eyecatching stuff I'd love to 'own':

Sexy: I love androgyny for girls. Not guys. And I love black and white. Clean and crisp. Simple and sleek.

On the ever schizophrenic flip side, I really love this warm orange. I'm not fond of all those ruffles but I love the upper body part in nude to orange. Yum. And I love those floorboards: watery tree patterns.

I love Hussein Chalayan: cut out office attire. I love symmetry and geometry and most of all... LAYERING.

I can explain for this sudden need to splurge: this past summer I didn't purchase many clothes. In fact if we only count summer... hm. Perhaps two to five pieces? But in my head I can only remember two garments: my Comme Des Garcons jacket from Japan and a t-shirt from a warehouse. Summer looks are boring but autumn? Layers upon layers, playing with width and height and hemlines. It's like an artist considering what he wants to paint on his gessoed canvas. I think most fashion thinking people think that fall is the best time to splurge: there's a reason why the September issue of Vogue is always two inches thick and packed with more ads than any other month.

But more on dressing for gender: as one editor says, he realizes women have two wardrobes: one to show off to the girlfriends and to please themselves, and one to impress guys. I got a good laugh out of this article: they asked a gentleman in the fashion industry and a real dude dude to dress a woman according to the event and the results were rather funny:
http://www.elle.com/Fashion/Fashion-Spotlight/Style-A-to-Zee-Date-Looks

Deviating back to sustainable fashion, when people tell me "it won't work" or cast doubtful glances (they just don't want to say it to my face), I sometimes have to ask: do you see the world as it is now and how it is slowly shifting to Product Service Systems? I saw this in The Star right before I came to HK and it fits SO WELL with what I want to do but for a different audience. Read their 'About' section: the blurb in bold is superb:
http://zerobaggage.com/
So to you I say, "if it can't be done, well, someone is already doing it." As Pixar said, just because it hasn't been done doesn't mean it can't be done. This is the attitude I must adopt. Forward march!
I'm thinking about people of influence to speak to about my thesis. I may have to figure out a way to speak to Stella McCartney, aka Paul McCartney's daughter and also established Brit fashion designer. I wonder if she'd be on board to take part of my company. How will I speak to her? I have no clue! I'm just shooting ideas out as alternate answers to the improbable:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/oct/05/stella-mccartney-fashion-heartless

On this whole sustainable fashion thing, in a few days time to keep myself amused and thinking, I'm going to take this $7 USD t-shirt I just bought and wear it seven days in a row in seven different ways. It's not anything new considering someone is doing one dress for a year to raise money for uniforms in India (I think it's called The Uniform Project) but you never know what ideas it'll conjure up. And I like mini self-imposed challenges. Anyway, will post up pictures of outfits here when I get a chance.

Um I really want this pair of shorts from Cotton On: they're stretch elastic with this weird geometric print on it in nude and black for $25 HKD. They're resemble swim shorts or pjs but I really want to wear them with tights, boots and this little tweed box-cut jacket I saw at Zara the other day. The stuffiness of the jacket will work so well with the relaxed nature of the shorts. HMMM... akjenrarwaen .aeasdf.msdd.

I must find church friends.
Bad to be amused alone.
I realized though I didn't feel important in the past, that I was in some ways the glue of the group. Being admin sucks, but it is the backbone to a prosperous company. Things are changing, plates are shifting and drifting. We're all islands.

A Post Not Worth Reading (seriously)

Karl Lagerfeld Sp 2010.

This is what I do at work: log on to http://www.style.com/ and look through every single new fashion collection that's been rolling out these past few weeks (NY, Milan and now Paris Fashion Week). This one stunner stopped me in my tracks: I love this model, she was the muse for Philip Lim due to her bowl-like haircut. And I love that jumper on her in black with the heels and the chain bag slung across her body: very carefree and cool.

I'm noticing a spring trend of bra-showing girls with high waisted pencil skirts and a jacket. I actually kinda like this look although I'm not sure what a pastor would say about it. I saw this on Lady Gaga a while ago and secretly thought it looked really good and if it wasn't a stumbling block, I'd totally do it (with a jacket on): http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/01/29/article-1131328-0339DCB1000005DC-966_468x830.jpg



I'm not gonna talk much about church. I'm annoyed but I'm not pointing fingers. I don't even know why I'm blogging because there's little relevance besides the fact that I just want to rant about every thought that comes across my head: it always disappears when I sit down to write. Dang it. I'm just gonna wait concerning church. Anyway, so I went to church by myself and then after headed towards IFC to meet up with my colleague: we were just going to walk around Central and have afternoon tea at this place I stumbled upon two months ago.



It was nice. It was really nice. I'm not sure what it is about shopping that I love- the idea of social bonding in the midst of consuming. It's shallow I know, but it's something everyone can participate in and you can even do it without really buying anything though to some people this may seem really stupid for if the reason for shopping is to buy, then shopping to buy nothing seems like an oxymoron. I'm really in love with Zara these days, back in the States I hardly ever purchased anything but now since I know I can't do anything about my size concerning clothing, I'm just at stores I know that will fit. Well, it is a little irksome that they never put size40 shoes out- it stops at 39 unless I ask them to go to their backroom to fetch it for me. -_- Mmm... purchased a romper/playsuit. What the heck is that, you may ask. Essentially it's this: http://z.about.com/d/vintageclothing/1/0/g/1/-/-/BCBG_Spring09_romper.jpg which is a one-piece suit... that's it.
I love H&M but no money spent there today. We spent a lot of time at Lane Crawford just touching, feeling and examining designer clothes: the construction to the label to the way things were stitched. Later on we went to Soho and compared the quality of the clothes there, and noticed how off everything was. Then wandered to Diesel (ahaha they still don't have my bag here in HK! That makes me feel super smug and satisfied) and Joyce. Mmmmm I get high from being around designer clothes. Not to own them really, but just to see something new and something of quality. I'm a little tired of seeing stretched out cotton and pilled jersey in the HK Streets. Everyone is really starting to look the same:

There's a slang term used by many here to refer to cheap or very ordinary persons and things: MK. 'MK' short for 'Mongkok', is a reference to the place where one can purchase cheap clothes and go people-watching. If a girl is 'MK', she is essentially the super skinny chick with dyed milk tea hair with a face full of make up and looks like she can hit the clubs at any time of the day. Otherwise known as cheap, mass-produced glamazon barbies with few goals in life other than to look pretty. I used to hang out in Mongkok a lot and never really realized that indeed there was that ‘MK’ flavour- that the girls did look extremely different from the average HK girl. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago, when my colleague and I went there to get disco clothes that I began to feel uncomfortable looking so ‘underdressed.’ I was in an oversized t-shirt, jeans and Converse high tops and all the salesgirls skulked around in stilettos batting their falsies as they gave me a one-over: nope, she’s not one of us. The predominant reason being that I don’t fit into anything there gives them every right to ignore me. I went to look at boots in one shop and the saleswoman got really angry at me because the shoe was very tight in the front and when she insisted that she could ‘expand’ it and I turned her down. The girls at the stores that sell shorts completely ignore me because I’m too fat (as one salesgirl said as she pulled out the ‘largest’ size). Although I don’t care to be an MK girl, it gets to me that I am restricted in the places I shop at: I have to go more expensive (Zara, H&M) because these market stores figure that every girl here wears size 7 shoes and has no hips. Waist above I resemble any HK girl with a very upper body thus getting tops is easy. Hips and down I’m a total non-Asian from feet size to length of legs. I recall getting my graduation dress was hell in itself: I could never fill the bust of a Caucasian dress but found floor-length gowns in Chinese stores to hit my ankles. But anyway, I have the best of both worlds: height and curves of non-Asians and the frame of an Asian.
To be honest, I did care about what people thought what was beautiful. I grew my hair out because I thought boys liked it. Now that I've grown it out to that desired length, I'm tempted to cut it super short or am always pinning it up to get it out my face. When I grew out my bangs to what they are now, suddenly the compliments from the opposite sex started to come. All in sincerity but yeah. I think in general, the style the majority of males like is not what I'd naturally deviate to save some 'breathers' when I'm transitioning from one style to another.

But on the otherhand, outside of MK, I don't really fit into the style there either. My local friends wear large oversized t shirt dresses with leggings (even though it's still 35 degrees here.. it boggles my mind. Even if I wanted to be modest I'd have cracked under the heat). I was ironing my clothes once and a few of them saw this one dress I had: tank top with a skirt dress. They commented on how low the front was to which I was completely confused about. Anyway, I dislike most local stuff here: oversized, big, baggy aka 'flowy' isn't really my thing either. I like draping but balanced out with structured, tailored items.

That's the good thing about living here: I don't really know the rules of this culture therefore I don't feel the need to conform. My aunt said that people who live on HK island feel better about themselves because they live on the island (therefore more expensive than kowloon) but to me, it doesn't really matter where people live. I like living in Kowloon and I can boast about my view that most HKers probably don't have squished in their 500 sq feet apartments with a view of a barrage of external air conditioners. I don't feel really pressured either to be local or expat and I don't think the rules apply to me. People here just blow it off as if I didn't know any better which is fine by me: I don't want to wear leggings when I can wear shorts, I don't really care if the Peak is a status symbol or if people and if everyone thinks leng mos are the hottest thing around.

On living with more of a conscious effort towards reaching my short term goals: I went swimming for the second time this week. lolol. What a hurdle. The initial start up sucks but I think I can do it for a month before this pool closes.. and then I may have to go public or work out at their fitness room. In addition to this I've been pulling out all my old sketchbooks and bookmarking every page that I need to scan in to make my portfolio site. And on the side of this, baking and sampling for reviews. Oh and on top of this my colleague and I want to make jewelry. Correction: she really wants to make jewelry and I began to think of a brand and a system to design for these products to filter within. I'm crazy, I love thinking about business and designing around that. So now I've started designing this system for jewelry. I'm not much of a hands-on person but I like thinking concepts.

All in all, if you asked me who my ideal bf would be (not saying this is a list I adhere to hence the word 'ideal'), he'd be a Christian, self/goal-driven, is the leader for the purpose of the relationship, is a good balance between the arts and the logical stuff like business/sci/math, has some fashion sense, has an appetite to travel and explore and try new things, and be physically attractive.
When I was thinking about my list this morn at work, I realized I might as well not date anyone because the person I've described is essentially myself. ROFL. What I am looking for is all within me already. I want someone of my equal: of that weird strange mix of being a homebody but embodying a gypsy-like spirit, having a sense of both design/art and business (aka taking into account of both the big picture and the details), enjoys and does not mind spending money but does not need expensive things to define him, and having an interest in fashion but rejecting the present industry.
Yeah. I think I should be happy dating myself and getting to know myself. LOLOL.
Although... yeah. It's hard to forget.

Hungry

Man, when I'm not sitting in front of a computer at work writing notes, I'm sitting in front of my laptop blogging. And since I've opened a new blog, I've been double-teaming with the posts. I like writing, I think God has given me this gift of expression not only in visual arts but through words as well.

Today I met up with another one of my mom's friends from Vancouver. She found out I was really frustrated about church from my host and wanted to talk to me. Anyway, over iced coffees and panna cotta, I eventually began to share with her my thesis again (do you see why I have to ensure that I LOVE my idea and that it is in sync with what I believe in because I have to talk about is so often that if I didn't love or believe in it in the first place, I could never convince anyone else about it let alone repeat my pitch many times over?) and how God has been so gracious through that the past year. In conversing with her, I told her about my accountant friend who asked about my high chance of failing and I realized in that moment:
I am supposed to fail. If I succeeded in implementing such an insane project, I would be the master of my own universe. I can boast about my hard work and my own success. Yet the impossible is here because God is here. Of course my thesis is impossible, it's because I expect God to accomplish what I cannot do on my own. It validates my own humanity and limitations, yet through me, God can show His magnitude.

I never tire about talking about my thesis with people because it is so novel to me (for people who know about my project, there's a double entendre pun for you). I've realized through writing, that I love to inspire and creatively stimulate people to think differently thus the single focus of the company vision is to always think alternatively: how do we spark creativity within the employees, within the CEO and within the production line? How do we do things differently so that people are always thinking of new ideas be it the consumer or the producer? How can the customer go from mindles consumption to be more driven and thoughtful? How can the producer push the standards in how fashion is made, and find alternative ways to create clothes?

So if this is the journey that God wants me to go on, I do not expect to do this alone for I want to give Him all the glory. I know if it starts with self reliance, I'll just burn out. I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life.

Anyway, after yesterday's post I decided to start taking a conscious action towards fulfilling one of my short term goals which.... was to exercise. I have a bad phobia with lifeguards but I forced myself to swim this morning. Score. Now I must not rest on my laurels and.. just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming...
And now since I have confirmation from my previous collaborator of my thesis website that she is jumping on to the wagon, I will now begin to design my own portfolio website and she will code it. Gah yao!
Men are important, marriage is important to me and so is dating. But I don't see how waiting around without goals will make me a better person. And I don't think he's coming around any time soon so... might as well keep running.
You see, I walk fast both in the most literal and symbolic sense. Most of my peers comment on this: that when we walk 'together' I always end up in the front a few paces ahead or perhaps even avenues (once going to church with robyn and her roommate.. I ended up disappearing because we were superiorly late). I am one of those people who would join that Facebook group "I just want to punch slow people in the back of their heads". My normal pace is speed walking for most which is why I struggle a lot of with being patient and waiting on God to work in me. People think I'm in a rush when in fact, I don't see the reason to slow down if I have a destination in mind. I like taking initiative when people slack and I'd rather rely on myself than do group projects. I would love to do group projects due to my extroverted nature, but because no one can keep up, I'd rather do things on my own. And that's my problem: I can't find anyone who can keep up. They say visionaires and entrepreneurs run into this issue the most: to find a group of people who could see things and run as fast as they can. Usually the visionaries find themselves trying to haul everyone else along and their company crumbles. I find myself, a lot of times when talking about my thesis, that I'm trying to pull everyone along to my level. It is not to say that I'm better than anyone else, but I am the most knowledgeable at what I do so I need to educate people about fashion and sustainable design as separate entities and unified.
In the greater sense of things, I move very fast: every five years I move to another city. Finding a steady relationship would be difficult: I think one of the things my ideal boyfriend would have is the ability to walk as fast as me (which would mean taller)... it does bug me a little when I find myself walking alone and all my peers are behind me clustered together. I like leading but leading is a very lonely thing. So in a sense, I live on the fast lane: perhaps not the same 'fast lane' as Kanye West would boast, but on a calculated sense. What was I doing this time last year? Conducting interviews with friends for my thesis, watching Heroes Season 3 and hanging out with my new found group of Canadian friends in NYC. One year later I'm working and living in Hong Kong. I went from a shared apartment on the third floor that faced a school which was extremely dark to living in a tower with my own bedroom with a stellar view of Hong Kong. What the heck. God is good.

I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry.

Living Without God

Click for detailsssss... LOOK AT THE GIRL IN THE MIDDLE.

When writing Editor's Notes at my job, I like to stay away from words such as 'sexy', 'smoking' or 'hot' which in my opinion sound tacky, hormone-crazed teenybopper and too subjective to be used for the general public. However, when I saw Balenciaga's Spring 2010 collection at work today, my eyes just popped. I LOVE IT. This is so friggin sexy because it's to my personal taste. This is exactly what I'd wear this winter: sculpted leather hoodies layered with skinny jeans and shirts that have sheer fabric insets (I am a fan of layered translucency) with statement ankle-wrap shoes that make most boys go "ew why would you hide your ankles under mutton covers." It rides between high fashion and street style and I love it. If you asked me what I think is hot, I think this pretty much encompasses it: I'd totally run over to that model, take her clothes and wear that on the street right now (weather permitting and if I was that skinny). So technically I do want to look hot: but what I think looks 'hot' is probably not what most guys would perceive as so. I just think it is, and I will go for it because it'll make me feel so. Frick, I love itttttt. Balenciaga, you're not my cup of tea, but this season was spot on: sportswear and tailored pieces.

Anyway, that's another pseudo fashion post for you. On to more issues of concern.

I got my first paycheck! ^^

It feels good, I kinda can't wait to write a check to the church as a REAL tithe from myself. Not when we were kids and our parents gave us a tooney to give at Sunday School. Well not really from myself since the job wasn't even of my own doing but to give back a little what I was given a lot of. I already treated my cousin and her bf to dinner last night prior to the fireworks show in honor of the 60th anniversary of China. We watched the show from my balcony- stunning because we could see people crowding like ants near the harbour and Elements to get a glimpse of the lights while on either side of the harbour were yachts all clustered as close as possible to see the fireworks from the sea. It was pretty funny because that Alan Tam guy I met last week asked my friend and I if we wanted to go on a yacht event he was organizing to see the fireworks at night. As romantic and nice as that sounds, I'd rather save the $400 for drinks and the head cost to for rental, and take advantage of my stellar apartment view for FREE. I baked chocolate cheesecake for my aunt and cousin and we enjoyed the show on the 67th floor. Brilliant. No crowds. No noise. Air condition, HK skyline and L, my SLR:

How jokes is the above picture? Click above! It's big.... the details got lost in the shrinkage. =( This was RIGHT when the fireworks ended and the boats are all racing back to the docks like miniature snails leaving traces of silver behind them.

So I met up with a guy friend the other day for dinner after work... and to see what a vast difference ten years has made us as persons makes me wonder if we could ever get along as friends in the present.

It began when we started talking about work: we both recently found jobs. He is in training and I'm just hammering away at my notes in front of the computer. He shared with me his goal was to climb up the corporate ladder and to obtain the job of his colleague of a higher position that he was, but who was relatively the same age. I told him I thought trying to beat someone was a really shallow goal; you obtain it and then what?

I'm not sure how we got here but we started talking about marriage, goals in life and the 'ideal' partner. I told him I was going to meet some models, he wanted to come. He asked me when I wanted to get married, he told me he wanted to wait for five years when he was somehow 'older' than most girls so he could make a lot of money and get a wife.

What kind of wife, I asked.
The 'leng mo' type, he said. He said he wanted to marry a model. The ones that have no goals in life and just want to be pampered and relying on his money. The ugly rich guys still get drop dead girls because of their finances. Girls, he concluded, like financial security and he would rather rely on having this so to keep her. His dream was to own a car to drive out to the countryside, to live in Repulse Bay with a beach view: to go to America for his kids' education.

I was.... aghast.
He asked me what I wanted to do. I began the long elaborate tale about my thesis which was my long term goal and my short term goals of designing a portfolio website, working at Pixar and this job. He seemed stunned when I finished my whole business plan, that I wasn't looking to open a business to be cutesy (tam duk yee), that I had done half a year of research and thought about practically every detail of my vision. And I came to him to ask for financial advice since he was an accountant: I needed financial strategies because it was so different from what was being done.

Wow, he said, you and I should really hate each other. I mean, when you find a boyfriend, just make sure he isn't like me. I said, I'd make sure of that. And I know I am the exact opposite of the girl he wants: I think, I dream and I have a drive beyond just getting married. To this, he mentioned how girls want so much more now, that he wanted his girl to rely on him to provide for her. I said that was true but there is a lot more than just financial stability that a husband can offer: emotional, spiritual and physical.

When he found out my grandmother lives in Repulse Bay, he would point out how rich I was. When he found out my current temporary home, he pointed out how wealthy my family and friends are. When I told him I was waiting for my Macbook Pro to come, he said I was so spoiled. I felt like I was being envied but it felt really distancing. I felt as if I was being summed up through how much wealth my family has. My family is not poor- I have never known what a small apartment is in Hong Kong. But I don't own a Louis Vuitton, I don't drive a car and I don't eat at expensive restaurants. People often see me as fashion student=expensive brands but I love my Zara, Value Village F21 and H&M (something my mom likes to muse over since her church friends equate me to a consumer of 'high fashion'). But have you noticed, a lot of unfashionable people buy LV? lol.

Before we parted (we went to eat and we stood around the subway for so long we ended up sitting in McDonalds for another 1.5 hours just talking), he said "Wow you're really different from the girls in HK... you're really intelligent and you've really thought that business plan over. I'm not even sure what to say about it because it's so big."

Really? I'm not even trying.
But what I don't understand is his logic in finding a wife. If you really believe that a girl would go for your money and that if you think you could find security in that sort of financial love, is she not just using you? You're just her cash cow- you'd be better off alone than having a leech. But, he said, making a lot of money so she could be financially secure was his back up plan if he couldn't find that perfect love. I said, well if it's only a 'back up plan', why are you spending all your efforts and energy in the back up plan? Why are you not facing your own issues first? Why are you not working on the internal first?

But during that conversation he really offended me.
I gave him the example of my host who is quite well off and whose husband is in Shanghai working. He said girls were like leeches off the breadwinner and that my host was an example of that even though she has opened a charity, it was off her husband's money so of course she would be willing to share the money. And of course she was willing to stay with him for the money.

I was really insulted, first of all, to call my aunt a leech. I was actually angry but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to push him away. But she's known me all my life- she's been so generous. Not only because God blessed her financially, but she's gone through cancer which I guess would shape a significant proportion of your life.
If money was the answer to happiness, then people like my aunt would have hoarded that money to herself would she have not? Why start a charity of happiness was overflowing in your bank account?

I told him, he had this double-minded view on 'leeches': he seemed to abhor them yet he wanted that type of girl as a wife. And if you think about it, what does this say about his own personhood if he wants a girl who is only pretty, has no goals and no depth? Moreover, what does this say about his perception of women? I have worked hard on refining not only my exterior but also who I am as a person, and for you to say you want a stupid bimbo is incredibly insulting as a woman. He said I was going to get married late since I have goals, and why have goals if I am to get married? Well, I have to keep myself busy and who knows what will happen in the future: if a guy is intimidated by my strong mix of fashion and business sense; emotion and logic, man it up and get some better goals than just beating your colleague. I love my colleagues, we make lunch, talk a lot and hang out after work: I wouldn't do anything to backstab them. God called me to this position so I am responsible for doing the best at what He has called me to do now. Proverbs praises the woman who is always busy with her hands and one who is not idly sitting in her high castle waiting for Prince Charming.

He asked me what I would do if I failed, I would waste ten years of my life on a bankrupt business: I told him at least I tried and failure is not the death of me. I didn't see another option for myself: I didn't want to do what everyone else was doing, so technically this was the only answer. I am afraid of failure, but I am more afraid of boredom and the common life than I am of the former. I don't want to be like everyone else. I told him that all the guys I liked in the past weren't bankers, lawyers, CEOs, doctors: they were all in professions that probably paid a fraction of what those kids at the investment banks were receiving. When I first meet someone, if I ask them what their profession is it is not to get an estimate of how much $$$ they're making but more to get a psychological bearing of where they are coming from when we converse. I told him I didn't really care about money in that sense, that it's the character/personality that really attracts me in a person. For some reason he found that fascinating and wanted me to elaborate into details which I declined. It's too weird right now.

I told him what I learned this year, "if you aren't content with what you have now, you won't be content with what you have in the future."

But he's still thinking about that house in Repulse Bay.
He still thinks my life is the life he wants.
When we parted I was disturbed, annoyed, angry yet fascinated. I cannot, for the life of me, understand what self respecting person would want to be used in such a manner. Now I know what it is like to be without God- to be so depraved in the mind that the only hope worth finding for is in manmade wealth.

As my aunt said, "if he is trying to find a girl for his money, there is always someone richer than he is. She will simply leave him for another guy if he thinks that he can hold her through financial gain. When you work hard for money, you think it's come too late in life to enjoy. When you are born with a lot of money, there is little meaning in your life. Either way, money is not the end to happiness." Or why not order a bride from Russia, says my coworker.

I don't know. The more I think about what he said, the less angry I am at him and the more compassion I am feeling towards him. For he went to Hillsongs church in Australia and I guess no longer goes. But right now I think he needs a lot of emotional and psychological support. I am uncertain of why he thinks the way he does, perhaps his girlfriend broke up with him for someone else or his parents instilled the importance of money into his head when he was a kid, but I really do want him to see that the road he is choosing is self destructive. I don't want to see him down that path he so covets, only to realize it'll only end in misery. If I already know the answer, should I not share it with him now before it's too late and he's hell bent towards death?

This past year I've tasted the freedom that God gives us from the chains of this society. In many ways I've been freed from the bonds of what is considered beautiful, what is considered of value and what is considered 'safe'. Godliness with contentment is great gain, this is what I am striving for. I am content- well okay, I do want to look like that Balenciaga model but all in all, I am content. I am content with who I am working with- I am so happy actually. I think God placed these coworkers here in my life for a reason: I'm growing fond of them already. I am just waiting- waiting in particular for my church situation. I sent the YA pastor my testimony and he responded that he feels called to help me to transition at this church because he wants to see why God has placed me here.

But successful people don't just happen overnight. It requires having short and long term goals in order to achieve the necessary 'next step' towards the bigger picture. Most people, like my friend, think "I want to live in a big house and have a car" but they don't really think about the steps inbetween so as long as they achieve that end. But I believe that successful and happy people don't think just about the end goal, they think about how they want to achieve this through planned steps that reflects the philosophy of their life so as not to compromise their morals.

Having said that, I really need to start working on my short term goals which have stopped. ARGH. I have learned that even in fulfilling goals, they don't just do themselves, it takes conscious effort to work through every single one of them. I'm glad we have a God, a God who teaches us perseverance, diligence and patience because we know, as Christians, that we are called for a purpose than just making money. It's so good to know that we're not doing this alone. It's comforting to know that if God is for us, who can be against us?

I'm praying for my friend, I want to see him whole. We are so completely different but I him to taste freedom: freedom from comparison, freedom from human hierarchical rules and freedom from playing it safe.