Life in Pieces// Thoughts as Shattered Glass

-Life can suck so much sometimes. Oh well the weather was beautiful today and I decided to walk home from church rather than taking the subway from 34th street on 7th Ave to 13th street and 6th ave. It took about half an hour but it was wonderful.
-As Bridget Jones once said, when one part of your life is going beautifully well another drastically goes wrong.
-Hurtful comments have just made me go numb and take them as they are
-This distance thing sucks
-I received a handwritten letter from Sam. It was nice to hear from her and the encouragement to pull ahead in these last two weeks.
-One thing I have learned since I have moved here is the realization that I did have good friends at church though we rarely hung out. Now I have no one. Literally.
-When I feel as if I am about to study something worthy to be held with high regards, someone shoots me down
-You are the same person you were when you were in 13 or 14 or 16- with the same hopes, fears and dreams. We all pretend that we're a completely different person from what we were before. It is more of an extension of yourself.
-Clothes are your second skin.
-Why am I not a science person and did not go into life science like everyone else.
-Through the years my mother has become more than just a mother but a friend.
-My violin teacher who was supposed to teach me how to play a tune and how to express it beautifully taught me that the way I play reflects my inner being: that timid, scared sound. Play loud and strong and don't let anyone take advantage of you.
-She has become more than a teacher- she has become a friend.
-I understand that being confident and outgoing will draw people to me yet I can bring it up to myself to be that kind of person.
-I am an ENFP but I'm so introverted at the same time.
-Every Sunday, I smile to the 'Welcome' people at the front door, but not once have they looked at me and said hi. It makes me feel small and insignificant.
-I partially want Robyn to come to Parsons because I want to know someone at my church or find another church with her.
-I am terribly lonely.
-I wish this Christian walk had more people than just I.
-Search me O God and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. I memorized that entire chapter and Psalm 1 and was working away at all of 1 Timothy. They pop up once in a while.
-I feel as if people dont' say hi to me at church because of my face. Do I look angry or am I just not that attractive?
-I hate having to pretend.
-You mean a lot to me.
-I want you to love me but I can't make you change.
-Change is inevitable but people just can't accept it.
-I was Marilyn Monroe when my roommates all did the online pin up girl quiz. No idea why. I said my ambition in life was to be free to do anything I wished to. Allie chose to be beautiful and famous for the rest of her life. I was tempted to pick that one.
-I wonder how Debbie is. Our friendship dissipitated and it was partially my fault. We spoke the other day because of her display picture on MSN.
-I am so attracted to beautiful women/girls but not attracted to men. Even in fashion ads, the women steal the spotlight. It is not a lesbian thing. If a guy started talking about pretty girls, I'd probably join in. As for guys, I don't really have much to say.
-I've discovered that I really like carrot cake. It's probably because of the cinnamon and the icing.
-I've always wondered what I'd think about myself if I saw myself from a different person's eyes.
-My hobbies and interests are always jumping around. I can never settle on one thing. I wish I could but I can't.
-On my personality test it said that I like to steer away from confrontation. At that time I disagreed but now I realize that I really do hate confrontation and will run away from it even if it meant open arguments.
-I like this blog though I despise my writing style. It has become more than just a daily record of my activities but a journal that has chronicled all my thoughts.
-My roomies have told me that when I am angry I become deadly silent. I have noticed that too. I do that because I don't want to express my emotions. I know if I open my mouth I'd either regret it or just become unstoppable.
-Whenever I argue, I always lose.
-Whenever I argue/debate, I wonder if they learn anything about my point of view
-Sometimes I feel like I am no one to everyone. Then they start talking to me and I feel like someone again.
-I hate walking down this one stretch of pavement to school because there are always some men there just passively sitting there and it makes me paranoid. I don't want to feel like a parade.
-I dislike it when people call me weak but my fingers are the most fragile of things. People used to make fun of me.
-I have a nervous system problem and I've always been made fun of but they don't understand that I really want to catch the basketball but I just can't. This problem has caused me a lot of pain among 'friends'.
-I have developed extremely good walking legs and have excelled at the 'New Yorker' way of walking- extremely fast. When Torontonians visit, I feel as if they're strolling down ever so slowly.
-I've always photographed people but never allow people to photograph me because I like taking the picture. But perhaps it's because I am disappointed by what I see in the photo of myself which makes me want to be the photographer.
-I face one of my greatest fears every day and it appears whenever there is a mirror. Honestly, I am afraid to look into it.
-I want to read Captivating again. Just reading it makes me feel better.
-I have a kitchen, now I can make tiramisu for my classmates and roommates.
-I know our conversation will be a dry one but I can't resist saying 'hello' anyway. What if there is a connection? What if today was different?
-I blog to certain people but they may not know it.
-I want to go home so badly. Seeing a familiar face is like sitting in an old armchair- comfortable and warm.
-I often picture myself playing the violin in worship- I can hear the notes as the song rolls by.
-People who have been hurt are the ones who hurt others.
-We try to inflict as much pain on each other as possible not knowing we are killing ourselves inside.
-Observe a leaf. In shadow it is just a solid green yet in the light you see a vast network of veins that nourishes that one single leaf. Amazing.
-Today is May 1. I will soon be 19. Will you write me an email?
-I hate the word 'cute' but use it all the time.
-All the bitterness and angry exchanges dissolve with just three words. How powerful they are.
-I am happy when you talk to me- you just don't know how much it means to me. If you did, I'd be afraid that you'd use it to your advantage.
-Funny how people will pay little regard to you if you don't dress a certain way. Bonnie got all the attention at this shoe store because I was wearing a black sweater and jeans and she was wearing knee high platform lace up boots with a mini skirt, her makeup was all done and she had a bow in her hair.
-There is both abstract and clear, directed thoughts in this entry.
-I am tired of talking and hearing about feminism. It bores me.
-I can't decide whether or not I like being whistled at. We all secretly do in a way.
-I just want to let you know that I think about you constantly.

-Why has God placed you in my life?
-I want you to know that I love you.

Anatomy of The Kiss// the Sacredness in Art and the Cost of Photography

"'What is Ugly?', declared that an uncritical reverence for the past results in blindness to the beauty peculiar to the prsent." -Franz Wickhoff from Klimt book
So basically my distaste from modern art comes from my admiration of past works by Baroque and Renaissance artist. That can also be said of fashion: that which looks awkward, weird or 'innovative' may be called beautiful in the future. I'm not sure about that but whatever. I am slowly opening up to certain modern artists like Andy Goldsworthy, sound artist Janet Cardiff and other random ones.
Before photography was ever invented, paintings were sacred and unique but when the camera came along, images were produced again and again: the up side to this was that everyone could be educated in art and its history. But with so many reproductions of art circulating around the world, the original piece lost its sacredness- people believing what they see in photographs is exactly what it looks like in real life. But the original differs greatly to the replicas: in the photographs the brushstrokes are lost, the small details, the texture. Paintings go from one of a kind to a commercialized print.
Art can sell itself- anything can sell itself. Why is the Mona Lisa so amazing? I don't really find it so great compared to many paintings. They say it's because they don't really know who the model is nor why she is smiling or why the eyes follow you around the room as you walk- however there are many paintings out there that do such a thing. People don't know why it's famous, they just know it is so they visit the Louvre to see something they know nothing about. It has gone from a painting to an icon.
I once heard that those who visit art museums are there to 'absorb' culture and to act like intellects- observing paintings with a faux critical eye and pretending they know all there is to know about art ("it's so deep- so fraught with meaning"). Yech, art snobs.


So right now I am writing an essay on one of my favourite artists, a Secessionist Viennese artist by the name of Gustav Klimt. I'm writing my essay based on one of his most famous paintings: 'The Kiss'. If you remember, I had painted an image of Judith and Holofernes http://web.hc.keio.ac.jp/~a01232/Gustav%20Klimt%20Judith%20und%20Holofernes.jpg
on a purse. 'The Kiss' is by the same artist whose work I really love for the twisted human anatomy looks almost lyrical and its flatness made beautiful with the application of gold leaf:

http://www.artchive.com/artchive/k/klimt/kiss.jpg
What I love most about this painting is the hands and faces of the couple. Although the woman is twisted in such a way no man can really replicate in reality, it sits wells on the canvas and is not uncomfortable to look at. She is on her knees, intoxicated by his embrace as he holds her by the face and tenderly kisses her on the cheek. Her eyes are closed in ecstasy as she clutches onto his hand and neck, her toes grasping on to the flower-covered cliff. The man’s face is turned away from the viewer, his focus entirely on his lover. They are clad in robes of gold which have geometric shapes patterned on top: the male’s garb has predominantly black, white and grey rectangles and the woman colourful floral circular patterns. Both the man and woman are embracing with a gold ‘halo’ swathed around the contour of their bodies. The background is dark with copper and gold highlights: a void of mystery and shadow. The figures barely resemble that of a human save the glimpses of flesh including their faces, the woman’s arm and feet.
This painting depicts both being in love and the woman's resistance of the man (judging by the way her hands are placed). But I think it's a couple in love- the woman so close to the edge of the cliff as if she was about to fall off into the dark void. This is about the intoxication and sweetness of love, the union between man and woman- the man's clothes represent the masculinity with the geometric square and the woman in organic shapes, florals and brights.
Anyway I shouldn't be blogging- I need to write my essay.

Decaying Beauty

I saw a disturbing 'documentary' on VH1 about girls who dance in rap music videos and how they're exploited by the artists and the entourage who basically blackmail them to have sex with them and if they don't, they either won't ever get hired again or they won't even appear on the video. There are also 'uncut' videos that artists (usually rappers) make that have all the dirty parts of the video that isn't shown on MTV or MuchMusic. Some rappers get strippers from a cabaret place or something and won't pay them just because they know those women just want a 'little bit of Hollywood'. Principle dancers get paid a lot but the back ups don't so they would do anything from wearing very little to provocative dancing to catch a glimpse of themselves in tv. It's horrible. Yet the rappers and men on the show argued that it's something better for them to do and they could possibly build a career on it (there was one woman who got her own show on BET later on but how often is that?). The directors said that 'sex sells' and the public wants it, if they didn't, they wouldn't be producing these kinds of music videos in the first place. But of course this is a vicious cycle: media portrays women like objects because they think that the people would like it and public watches because it's what the media says.
This is also a horrid portrayal of African American women. They are more than just women jiving in clubs. Yet no one is doing anything to change our perceptions. The odd thing is is that they tell themselves it's okay and there is no other way: and they start to believe their own lies.
Ugh and you wonder why feminist movement is going so strong. Every time I hear things like this, I have so much sympathy for these women who have been abused growing up and have being video girls to find some sense of self and to hear someone tell them that they're beautiful. Women have gone to such great lengths to hear those two words: 'you're beautiful'.
So I went onto Angie's blog and was attracted to the lyrics that she posted of Good Charlotte's 'We Believe'. It's a really uplifting song.
To fuel such stereotypes of women: to be skinny, toned, flawless, Bonnie told me that she was in the studio with a few friends and she showed them this picture she took of me where my legs look Barbie legs and showed it to this guy in her class. And he said that she should look at his girlfriend's legs. Apparently she's abnormally skinny and another girl asked him if that's what guys liked. And another guy there said "no she's just abnormally skinny. But girls should look like that." -_-. I don't know if that's a general ideal for males or if it's just really traditional Korean/Asian guys but that just left me speechless. This reverts back to this whole need for being beautiful.
I think we need to redefine what sexiness embodies: not minimal clothing or the curves of the body but the confidence, self esteem and character of a woman.
Haha.. Allie didn;t have any work to do so she went on her bed and created two holes into her heel. LOL. Oh dear. Now Bonnie is trying to fix it by taking a pumice stone to it. Sigh. Lol.

Apartment!

Guess what tomorrow is? I'm officially moving in to my apartment on Fifth Ave and 13th Street! It's literally a block away from Union Square (Virgin Records, Whole Foods, Food Emporium, clothing stores) and the subway. But the beauty of this apartment is that it's across the street from Parsons. =)
Have you noticed that in nature, the males are flamboyant and colourful while the females are plain and dark in appearances (ie peacock, red-breasted robins) but for humans, it's the exact reverse.

Today

I'm sitting here going through every hit that Britney Spears had. Kind of sad. I'm really tired right now.
People at Parsons are so judgemental when it comes to looks. I was talking to this girl in my class and I asked her how her art history teacher was and she suddenly said "ew that looks horrible- the bag". I got really confused because I thought she was implying that her teacher was but she clarified that she was talking about this girl who had just passed by carrying a slouchy purse with a metal handle. Personally I didn't see anything wrong. She apologized but said she couldn't help noticing such things. Yikes.

Anyway, two days ago Allie, Liz and I had a discussion on the use of Aderall because Bonnie had to write an ethics paper: obviously I was against it and Allie for it. So we got into a 'debate' on the ethics of Aderall. I said I had no problem with people using Aderall IF they really had ADD. Allie asked me if I'd deny a disabled person a wheelchair (her analogy) so why am I against people using Aderall? I said the thing is, is that the people who don't need wheelchairs are using them. They're doctor prescribed. People abuse Aderall by grounding it up and snorting it: it acts like speed. Some people just rely on it way too much as if it was a magic pill to solve all your last-minute homework problems. I think I sounded like I was attacking her because she has sold her pills to people like the other people in my dorm who aren't doctor prescribed.
Soon all of America will be dependent on drugs to solve their 'issues'. The other day, Allie's friend came in at around 12 and said she had problems sleeping so she popped a Xanax and two other sleeping pills. Sheesh, talk about overdose: one night you can't sleep, you just eat something to make yourself feel better. It's odd because I've never encountered such a reliance on drugs in Canada (psst.. makes me feel slightly more superior. HAHA. You get my drift... we do things au naturel in the north: 100% brainpower).
I really love that song 'The Rose' by Bette Midler. It reminds me of my cousin Jenny because she once mentioned it to me. It really is a beautiful song with a slight touch of sadness. I really like the lyrics.
It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dyingthat never learns to live


So today allie and I decided to take a walk. In the afternoon we sat in our beds facing each other and flipped through the entire Vogue together critiquing everything (there are some seriously disturbing models who seem to have just come out of the poorest parts of Africa). We walked around Greenwich Village and ended up at a park where we sat on the swings (parks here are gated with metal fences all around... kind of-unwelcoming). It was a lot of fun just hanging out there- the little girl in me still loves the swings. We then headed to Magnolia's and I bought everyone a cupcake. We found an interesting chair on the way back and took it. Haha. :)
I am dying to go back to Toronto. I've had enough of New York. New York = work.

Today

I'm sitting here going through every hit that Britney Spears had. Kind of sad. I'm really tired right now.
People at Parsons are so judgemental when it comes to looks. I was talking to this girl in my class and I asked her how her art history teacher was and she suddenly said "ew that looks horrible- the bag". I got really confused because I thought she was implying that her teacher was but she clarified that she was talking about this girl who had just passed by carrying a slouchy purse with a metal handle. Personally I didn't see anything wrong. She apologized but said she couldn't help noticing such things. Yikes.

Anyway, two days ago Allie, Liz and I had a discussion on the use of Aderall because Bonnie had to write an ethics paper: obviously I was against it and Allie for it. So we got into a 'debate' on the ethics of Aderall. I said I had no problem with people using Aderall IF they really had ADD. Allie asked me if I'd deny a disabled person a wheelchair (her analogy) so why am I against people using Aderall? I said the thing is, is that the people who don't need wheelchairs are using them. They're doctor prescribed. People abuse Aderall by grounding it up and snorting it: it acts like speed. Some people just rely on it way too much as if it was a magic pill to solve all your last-minute homework problems. I think I sounded like I was attacking her because she has sold her pills to people like the other people in my dorm who aren't doctor prescribed.
Soon all of America will be dependent on drugs to solve their 'issues'. The other day, Allie's friend came in at around 12 and said she had problems sleeping so she popped a Xanax and two other sleeping pills. Sheesh, talk about overdose: one night you can't sleep, you just eat something to make yourself feel better. It's odd because I've never encountered such a reliance on drugs in Canada (psst.. makes me feel slightly more superior. HAHA. You get my drift... we do things au naturel in the north: 100% brainpower).
I really love that song 'The Rose' by Bette Midler. It reminds me of my cousin Jenny because she once mentioned it to me. It really is a beautiful song with a slight touch of sadness. I really like the lyrics.
It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dyingthat never learns to live


So today allie and I decided to take a walk. In the afternoon we sat in our beds facing each other and flipped through the entire Vogue together critiquing everything (there are some seriously disturbing models who seem to have just come out of the poorest parts of Africa). We walked around Greenwich Village and ended up at a park where we sat on the swings (parks here are gated with metal fences all around... kind of-unwelcoming). It was a lot of fun just hanging out there- the little girl in me still loves the swings. We then headed to Magnolia's and I bought everyone a cupcake. We found an interesting chair on the way back and took it. Haha. :)
I am dying to go back to Toronto. I've had enough of New York. New York = work.

Thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry.
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry.


Lyrics sound lacklustre when they aren't sung.
I don't want to write anymore essays. I am so sapped.. Parsons has got the best of me.
On the other hand, I bought both Vogue and Teen Vogue today. As an eco person, I can say this is one of my weak spots. :P Sometimes they write the silliest headlines though. Keira Knightley's on the front cover (very airbrushed) and to the side it says 'BLUES CLUES: How to Wear the New Denim'.


I really like the old Spice Girls song 'Goodbye my Friend'. I think it's partially because it reminds me of grade 5- not like it was a great year but nevertheless. I miss being that age yet am glad I'm out of it. I had so many friend issues that time, my mother is just glad I don't come home crying anymore. Lol. 'The Boys of Summer' by Ataris is good too. Wow that was weird.. someone was just blasting that song out the window below us.


Yikes, gas prices are insane. Stupid companies. For the moment, it doesn't really concern me because I walk and commute by subway everywhere but when I get home??


Just a note of caution if you haven't read my previous entry, my thoughts just wandered around.. I think I said something kind of contradictory, that I didn't know people and that they knew everything about me yet I noted that I was always asked people questions and that they rarely asked me... Perhaps it's because MSN and blogging is slightly different: one as a monologue, the other dialogue.
Anyway all that I said, I stand by but my apologies to my best friend Tania for rolling her into my history when she has clearly been a true friend all the years (though not many) I've known her.
I guess I can get really 'emo' but that's partially the pain and hurt that surfaces once in a while. I just feel like my church issue will be an ongoing thing. It was so nice to have Auntie Jo and Robyn at my church on Easter Sunday. For once I got to go and leave with people I knew.
Is it too much to ask for? For Christian friends? RHCCC, Kornhill, St Andrews, Union, ECC, Zion, RHCCC again and lastly RHCBC. Now the Journey. That's... eight churches in total. Anyway, before I get 'emo' again, I'll change the subject.


Today we had a male model come in again to draw. I have grown fond of drawing guys now... before I only liked to do women but I like studying the rigidness and the sharp, dramatic contrasts between all the muscles within the neck and shoulders. I had to train myself to study the body more rather than applying the same stylized female neck and shoulders which tend to be more curved and long whereas male necks sit more into the shoulders and the shoulders are built up.

I miss UHS English for some reason although I was really uptight all of grade 12 trying to prove to everyone I was great at it. I liked the challenge.. I just wish I got to rewrite that personal essay.

So we've ordered all our furniture and it should come at least by May 15. I'm going to have so much fun building everything.. I mean how hard can it be: I have a toolbox and after 3D, I can build anything. I would totally do the Christmas Dinner again at RHCBC if I had to. I'd improve those pedestals that the heads were sitting on. Dang it. So I'm going to have fun building my desk... hm... and... drawer unit and tv unit. I love screwing screws in.. there's just that satisfaction is your roll them into the wood.

I'm addicted to the song Ewan McGregor sings in Moulin Rouge: Your Song. I think it's just really sweet. A really hard song to sing though.

Anyway I got sidetracked with my essay and vogue reading... blog more tomorrow.

Someday: there is always wishful thinking

What If

Yesterday Allie, Bonnie and I were sitting around discussing abortion and its link to globalization and youth culture (homework.. hahaha.. not some conversation we just decided to talk about). Bonnie is a person who will not do anything that does not benefit with her. Well Allie asked for my opinion and I obviously said that I was against abortion UNLESS the mother was endangered from whatever cause. And then Allie asked if I would get one if I was walking around one day in New York and I got pushed into an back alley, was raped and the guy had AIDs and the baby would grow deformed or mentally retarded. Lol. And I said, you're just saying the worst of everything. They just laughed and said that was true. First, as I said before, New York doesn't have any alleys... all the buildings are stuck together to save space. Secondly what's the chance that I'd get raped in New York city considering there are millions of people who live here are constantly out on the streets. Plus I never leave the room really without someone else.
But for some reason, I became really afraid all of a sudden. I don't know why. The answer is easy: have the baby and put it up for adoption but I can't even imagine going through the physical and psychological effects of the incident plus having to take leave from school etc etc. I don't know, I just got that cold, icy feeling.


Growing Up

Since everyone has older itunes playlists than I, I went through every kid's music lists in my dorm, listening to all the old songs I used to be into like N Sync's 'This I Promise You' or O-Town.. haha.. kind of funny. Today Allie and I were watching 'Making the Video' for Nick Lachey's new album hit song, 'What's Left of Me' (aw). Really bad digital effects. She said there were three grades of boy bands: N Sync was A, BSB was a B and 98 degrees, a C. I thought it was BSB first, N Sync second and 98 degrees last.. perhaps that's just because I remember BSB songs better than N Sync ones. For female artists Allie said Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and lastly Jessica Simpson. I'd say Christina Aguilera was way more talented than her fellow Mickey Mouser. Her voice is just amazingly strong. Anyway, I found the song 'Genie in a Bottle' in someone's playlist... I just remember back in those awkward years of growing up, in 6th or 7th grade when I still lived in Hong Kong.. we had a trip to some island nearby and they had a dance (a representation of acceptance and being cool personally at the time). And I remember this song was playing. I don't know why I remember.. Oh I know why... it may sound really absurd, but it was because it was the first time I broke away from oversized t shirts and wore a tank top that I borrowed from my friend. And I remember that- that transition from kid to teenager (which I associated with clothing: a physical representation of something invisible). Funny. Dances were quite big at Island School in HK. I remember the last one I went to. My best friend of the time blabbed out who I had a crush on and set up this song dedicated to him and I and my other friend and her guy... except I had gone out before that to find my friend Yugo who was quite depressed.. can't remember why (I found out later about the set up) and just hung around and talked to him. Then right before I had to go, my best friend yet again tried to set up a dance with me and the guy... haha.. and I just ran away and said I had to leave anyway. Haha.. All I remember of him was that he played tennis and was amazing at the piano and school in general. He moved to Australia and I to Canada.. spoke to him a few times after. Being 13 was hard. Now I don't care as much as what people think but that time was just really awkward for me.


One Way Conversations

I'm getting quite frustrated with some conversations.. you try to talk, asking a billion questions and all they do is answer you without asking you anything.... it's a 'give-take' relationship going on and it just really pisses me off sometimes. It's absolutely hopeless. 'How are you? What are you up to? How has school been? What are your summer plans? Are you excited?' I honestly feel like I'm interrogating people.. it makes me feel as if I'm too pushy or needy. I don't want to haggle people. Sometimes I'm so delighted and taken aback when someone asks me a question as if it was an honour to be asked. I don't know anymore. My mood levels usually depend one whether or not I had good conversations. Sigh. I want to feel some connection but some people really don't want to put the effort into it. So do you just drift and let it go? How many friends do you have? Have you known your friends ever since you were little? Have you grown up with them since grade 5? Well I have none that span back to my grade school days because I've moved thrice, losing a crop of good friends each time. And I already feel that we've all drifted within our Raps crew. And there they go again.

The heart slowly dies a cold miserable death.

Is there anyone who can stand up and say 'let's make this long distance friendship/relationship work because it's worth saving and nourishing.'? Please come forth.

The demons are saying I'm too demanding.

Needy.

Whiny.

And I just want them to shut up.

And you wonder why I am like this: snickering at the fact that people actually have the nerve to say 'Friends Forever' when it has never been true for me.

Remember Marisca, Danielle, and Charlotte in WCS.. then there was Anita, Meryle, Carmen, Sarah and Ben in BJS in HK.. then Hilda, Jackie, Debbie, Yugo, Serene in Island School... then there was again Marisca, Danielle along with Miriam, Mike, Hannah, Liz in WCS when I returned. Then there was Cass, Lois, Alethea, Amy, Julia, Sarah in gr 9... and then Tania, Tanya, Dor, April, Amy, Vicky, Danielle, Lauren, Chantel in gr 10... and then Steph, Mitch, Alice, Soph, Sarah Fong, Vanessa in gr 11. Then three distinct groups in grade 12. There have been so many people who have touched my life and I of theirs.


It has just occured to me, you who is reading my blog, you know so much about me yet I know so little of you. Will you please tell me?

Moulin Rouge: Music and Fantasy

Music as an Expression
Music replaces speech where words cannot be expressed merely through the sentences. Songs require a higher emotional level in which fantasy is brought in, lifting normally common phrases into more magical realms. Have you noticed when people write a selected lyric from a song on their MSN name... how dull and 'unpolished' it sounds? But when you put it into context of the melody, it transcends beauty. Take from Moulin Rouge, for example: 'my gift is my song' or 'love lifts us up where we belong'. Sounds kind of corny but it sounds so great in the movie. There's something deeper about a song which strikes us more emotionally than conversation.




Moulin Rouge is one of those well done movies- very tight and well structured where the plot and its cast of characters are all so believable. The ironic thing is that it gravitates to being a fantasy- with the elephant and the lovers who jump onto the Eiffel Tower with sparkling 'rain' and the personified moon... No one can really fall in love like that but because it was structured as a musical, it makes it more believable: because love cannot be shown through the mere expression of two people looking at each other, they create this mini fantasy world which transcends all understanding and rationality. Yet it's believable, and the audience buys it up because love can't be described (so if God is love, then He can't be described? He must transcend all words.. oh yes.. 'beautiful beyond description' Anyway.). The thing is, the whole movie is so much about magic and fantasy and glamour but circles around this basic fundamental human need for love. It is so dreamy and ethereal that it's perfectly relatable because we are all constantly searching for love- be it through work or school or other people. Reality created from fantasy. You can basically make any crazy, surreal, far out, unbelievable movie to mankind but if it's centered around the quest for love, every person in the audience can relate to it in some way. I've been watching the second dvd on the Behind the Scenes of Moulin Rouge which I borrowed from a friend. I'm appreciating this movie more and more, every time I see it.

And it was Good

Art School Confidential
A new movie that was shot at Pratt (the other school I was going to go to located in Brooklyn). It's your typical boy tries to win girl by going to that certain school- trying to win her affections by becoming a great artist. Yeah.. I want to see it- see how they play up art student stereotypes.

I Love the 90's
The other day, Allie and I were watching 'I love the 90's' and we got some good laughs from it and recalling memories of the Backstreet Boys and their funny music videos, Telly Tubbies, Furbies etc. A song called 'Torn' came on by Natalie Imbruglia and I've been trying to find out the name and artist for such a long time. It reminds me of my trips back to Toronto when I used to live in HK. :) I bought it on itunes.

Lecture
The lecture was really good today- by this designer from a company called IDO who had designed the famous Prada store in Soho (all the tech stuff that is) to Gap Kids.. it's so interesting to see how they analyze and discover the needs of the client though they may not know themselves. They have various approaches that are all hands on. Personally I think artists are very much intuitive and very in tune with their visual senses as opposed to the rest of the population. It's not snobbery, it's true. Because we need to analyze problems and situations within a visual as well as functional context. It's so interesting how he used sensory perception to see how people interacted and used different products. For example, when designing for Gap Kids who said PICTURES PICTURES PICTURES would attract kids, they spent time with kids and realized that they were most drawn to words. Why? Because that's when they stary learning how to read and love to show off their reading skills. They're also drawn towards colour rather than images. Kids, as the designer said, are not lead to things in one continuous order, they are lead by sensory perception. For example, they can stay on an anticipation level where adults do not. Take a kid to Disneyland... he'd be like "I can't wait to go to Disney land! I can't wait to go to Disneyland!" Then when he's there, he says "I can't believe I'm in Disneyland! I can't believe I'm in Disneyland!". And when he leaves he would say "I can't wait to go back! I can't wait to go back!". Adults do not behave like that and it's interesting to see such behaviour patterns within different age groups.
Then again designers should not create products based on ethnicity and age group. For example, his design company broke down three types of people based on their interactions with objects. There were three: functional, storyteller and camper (travel person).
The most interesting one that he spoke of was this cardiac arrest machine they created. There were two simple steps: place the cushions on the person and press the red button to send the shock. Well people were so panicked when they tested on dummies, they either pressed the button too many times or had no idea what to do. Why? Simple is not always the best and easiest. We always say "it's easy as 1,2,3". They had two steps, why not add one more? So they added an 'on' button and for every user, they got it perfect. See how interesting that is? People think too complicated these days. HAhaha...
A designer is also an anthropologist.

The Unexpected

I always find that when you least expect something to happen, that's when you have the time of your life. Today we had to do a make up drawing fundamentals class since we're not going to do the May 15 one. Well we drew for about two hours there (after me and Veronica ran all the way to the Met from the subway.. I was all sticky and sweaty.. we were so late. :S). Anyway it was 7:30 by the time we finished so we (Mayumi, Maria, Veronica and I) decided to have dinner somewhere. We ended up going back to Union Square to a beautiful pan-Asian restaurant. In New York, all the restaurants are beautifully decorated even if they're tiny. This one was three stories high and the second level was full of those Japanese low tables and cushions and the third floor was for intimate dining. There were wood beams everywhere with a curved brick ceiling and beautiful paper lanterns and walls... So gorgeous. We all had some form of Chinese food.. all they sell is vegetarian food and I tried this amazing Honey Tofu Pie with Blueberry Sauce. SO GOOD. Omg. This was one of the rare times that I spent time with classmates rather than roommates and it was really nice to be able to do so. So today was a really good day with the lecture and dinner and all. Sigh. :)

Suffering to be Beautiful

'Suffering to be Beautiful' read the inscription of a bag I saw a few years ago with a small illustration of a corset being twisted and pulled tightly with two nimble delicate hands. Today it was a beautiful 71 degree day (around mid 20's), and people are trading in their boots for heels (well actually they're worn all year round in New York). High heels are today's equivalent of the infamous Lotus shoes where women walk teetering on pencil thin stilettos because they visually elongate the legs and allow one to walk upright, back straight. They also represent the patriarchy within society: women as fragile beings who seem to need a support whilst walking in these feet crushing shoes. And yet women worldwide purchase that $300 pair of Manolos or Jimmy Choos, wistfully thinking that the pain will pay off in physical beauty. We don't mind suffering, for a compliment is worth all the money and the agony. When it comes to inner beauty, though we want to be seen as kind and friendly and generous etc etc, we are not willing to pay that price- all the obstacles, blocks, turmoil and tragedy to become a stronger person. We'd rather have the easy life. Just give me a quick fix of character, an injection of patience. There isn't any time for character building thus we resort to adorning our bodies with costly silks and linens, hoping that it would hide the rotten, dirty secrets and emptiness that we keep within. The other day, Bonnie showed me a few pictures from a fashion history book Julia bought me as a birthday present: those huge dresses from the Baroque period where women would wear hoop skirts with piles of taffeta on top and garnished with lace. Well those women rarely showered: can you just imagine the smell hidden behind the heavy layers of cloth (not to mention they must sweat with the corsets and dresses and petticoats)? That's my random, undeveloped thought of today as I walked back home from school.

Bonnie told me about an ethics response that she has to write for her english class about this photographer who went to Bombay, India and spent time in the brothels, photographically recording the prostitutes and their lives of despair. Although she wrote that she befriended these people, she returned to America and made a monograph which made her famous yet she did nothing to help the people who she first photographed. One of the most disturbing pictures (likely the most famous) is of a beautiful girl named Asha having sex with a male client in a dirty, dark cubicle-like room. A wall divides the picture into two and you see just next door another girl preparing herself for the next customer.
This world is so full of pain.
Ugh so now I've come down the a cold and it really sucks. I think I should sleep earlier.
Perhaps we are so eager to change our outer appearances because it is easier to change from shirt to shirt while building character takes time, patience and diligence. Or perhaps it's because the majority of people you pass by daily only see your physical appearance. I don't know.
There's this girl who is constantly asking my roomie whether or not she thinks this guy she met up a few weeks ago likes her after one outing to the movies. Plaguing her with questions such as 'do you think he likes me?' or 'should I text him or should I wait? Or should I call?'. It's killing me. Not so much because of jealousy or whatnot but because they're such rhetorical questions that no one can really answer- my roomie hasn't even met him before.
Sometimes I think I'm too sensitive and clingy- which is most of the time. Yet there are times where I feel that I lack compassion.

Lux Aeterna: overdose

I have listened to Lux Aeterna 41 times since last night when I purchased it... so that's like 3 hours nonstop. HAHAHA. I think I've set a record.

Requiem for a Dream//A Dream//Intuition//Boyfriend

A Letter from an Old Friend
Aw... My dear Lois friend sent us a mass email with a specific little message to each person. Hhahaha.. I love her. She's so perky and funny and insane in her own Lois way. I really need to start learning to keep up with the emailing. She's so sweet. And I was the first person she wrote to. Aw.

sam: HEY SAM! wow i havne't talked to you for soooooo long . MAN. that sucks! eh? hmmmmm so how is new york treating you? is it hot and fabulous? hehehehehe omg the weather is so weird here...it 's like this BEAUTIFUL day and then all of a sudden..IT SNOWS..and im' like wdh -_- hehheeh =) but it's all good. i like sunshine it makes me happy and i bet you get lots of sunshine so you should be super happy :) okay ! kepe up the good art skills ! yayyy i'll see you soon.

Wow I didn't know she moved to North York, close to Finch. Now I can go visit her. haha. North York= Koreans.


Auntie Jo mentioned today that for us, work and doing good are interconnected because we are designing and changing the world simultaneously. I feel like a superhero although I'm only a freshmen student.


Requiem

Last night Allie and I watched Requiem for a Dream until 4am (yes I had church. hahaha) and it's the most depressing movie. But the soundtrack is absolutely AMAZING. It's beautiful and moving: Lux Aeterna, Clint Mansell. Download it. I'm listening to it over and over :P The movie itself is amazing too.. It's an indie movie so of course it's good. It's about drug addicts basically and how their lives spin out of control. Rather than just merely showing them taking pills, they show a quick snapshot of a pill, a hand, the hand going into mouth, blood cells, then eyes dilating. It's awesome. Well anyway, it's about a guy and his girlfriend (Jennifer Connelly) and how they want to set up a shop for her so she could sell clothes that she designed. To get enough money to rent a shop, he and his other friend sell heroine. His mother gets contacted by a television agency to be on a show, and she feels that she needs to lose weight to fit into this old red dress that she wore to her son's graduation some 20/30 years ago. She wants to be on television because her son left her, and her husband has died. She wants to appear on the show to declare to everyone that she loves her son and her deceased husband. There was this one scene where she first takes out the red dress and attempts to zip it up. Realizing that it would not go all the way up, she looks at herself in the mirror forlornly, and starts to twirl and preen in front of the mirror, remembering the past. It was touching in some way words can't explain: this old woman, deserted by all and desperate to return to what was, turned to diet pills which a doctor prescribed to her without even doing a proper check up. These pills in fact, had speed in them and she went insane at the end and started hallucinating. She wore the red dress and began to see the tv people laughing at her and the fridge bursting out of the kitchen... she went on the subway to ask why the tv company still had not called her to be on television... and if you are a new yorker, you know that there are a ton of crazy people on the subways always muttering to themselves... and for the first time, you see how the woman has been driven into lunacy. They end up trying to feed her and giving her electrolysis but send her to a mental asylum where she ends up as a vegetable. In the meanwhile, the guy's friend gets caught with heroine and so they have to use that money they saved to bail him out. However they need money to buy themselves drugs since the girlfriend is addicted to heroine.. so she sells herself to a guy and her boyfriend drives to Florida to find a dealer since there are none in New York. Well his vein, where he injects heroine, gets infected and he ends up in hospital, where the doctor finds that he is taking this illegal drug, and gets his friend arrested where he now stays and works. The infection in the boy's arm is so bad that they amputate it. The girlfriend by now, is going hysterical without the heroine, so she calls the same client and goes to a party where she is basically humiliated and dehumanized. The last scene is really sad, where you see her curled up, clutching her heroine. Yeah, sad movie.


A Dream of My Own

Auntie Jo told me about how Thai girls as young as 10 are being sold as sex slaves and that when they are set free, they are so traumatized by the sight of a white man, that they refuse help from Caucasians. Now they are left helpless without an education and family. That is heartbreaking. And that is partially why the Feminist movement is going so strong: because if God indeed gave woman to man, then they are completely abusing their power through prostitution, pornography etc. I remember reading an article from the Times about sex slaves in Mexico and how trafficking is so prevalent within these third world countries. And it makes me so disappointed and sad to see kids being robbed of their childhood to become slaves and to have to commit such disgusting acts. So Auntie Jo suggested that I write to Bono's PR or whatever to ask if I could intern with them to understand the works of a for-profit organization that deals with both environmental and social issues. She toyed with these idea in my head that I should consider those Thai children who have no skills and need some way to start life anew.
Hm so now I have a dream- perhaps not a vision because it's not so clear and direct at the moment but nevertheless it has been born.
I wonder if it is possible to hook up with some organization that tries to exploit these rings, take the children in and teach them how to sew etc, pay them a fair wage in addition to giving them a place to stay and food for them to eat. The clothes are then shipped to America, where they are sold. Hm, the more I think about it, the more possible it is to do. Don't be such a skeptic. Parsons may be a hefty price to pay, but it definitely can hook me up with organizations. I've seen it done before in a different industry (handicaps and air travel, water jugs that only 'allow' clean water to be placed because of the design of the valve to avoid Africans from getting bacteria in their drinking water). Mmm.. the only major issue is the originality and creativity of the designs that need to attract the American consumer.


Intuition
The act or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes; immediate cognition
A sense of something not evident or deducible; an impression
I am a person of intuition and do things by how I feel, not by what I ought to do. You may frown upon that for I am unreliable without the self control or rationality that many have but I love the spontaneity. I dislike being controlled by a sense of order and time schedules. I like writing a vague schedule down and having the flexibility to change it by the currect situation or how I feel. I love it that Allie and I just randomly go on walks to Blockbuster and rent several movies and watch them on her bed. I love that unexpected act of doing something fun inbetween a busy schedule when we feel like having a break.


Boyfriend

No, not my own, but my cousin's. When I first met him, he was just 'Michelle's boyfriend' but now I think he's a really amazing guy and Michelle really chose well and now I can see why she was so drawn to him in the first place. Although we were total strangers, he tried to make conversation and small talk. He has also been so incredibly generous and kind throughout the whole process of my lease: he agreed to be one of the guarantors (that entails you to say how much you earn a year, the amount of money in your bank statement and other personal/financial details). He's warm, funny and just someone you can just really feel comfortable with. Good job, Michelle. Hahaha.


So this is love... so this is what makes life divine.

Love

Yesterday the preacher spoke about how God wired us to love and be loved yet so many people wander out of the boundaries into all the wrong places. We are created to remain in His love and to love Him in return.
It's nothing profound but after just breezing over the cliches, sometimes it just hits you in the head and you wonder why it never occured to you before.


Japanese Culture

I am so obsessed with their traditions, that I attended this little presentation of 15 people of 'The History and Social Roles of a Geisha' where a Japanese women in a modest kimono told us about the history of geisha (though I knew a lot of the stuff she said already). She did a few traditional dances. I love the shamisen. I've noticed that while Western music is harmonious and 'flowy', Japanese music is extremely static and almost dry.

Underlining

I love the look of underlined titles. From now on, I shall do that.

Randomness Revisited

Opposites Attract

I find that depending on who I am with, I naturally try to become the opposite of what/who they are. For example, here at Parsons, since people are so obsessed with their looks, I just feel the need to let go a bit in order to find some balance between all this mad frenzy for outer beauty.
Then if I am with any sciency people who like to discuss deep theories and whatnot, I naturally act more 'shallow' (perhaps to piss them off a bit) and care about outer appearances more.
Same with extroverts and introverts. With my UN crew, I tend to be quieter because Julia and Soph make enough noise that I don't feel the need to open my mouth. Whereas with the Raps crew or AY one, I like to talk a lot.
Overall, I think I'm more attracted to people who totally opposite of me.


In the Quest for Beauty

One of the things I dislike about Parsons is that everyone is so into their appearances, it's disgusting. For one, it makes me feel extremely insecure. Allie was just talking about how when she came to New York, she has seen the most beautiful 19 year old girls (in a non-lesbian way) and that there is not one single ugly person at Parsons. She also mentioned that if a girl has a beautiful face but an 'ugly' figure, she'd still think the person beautiful. If there was a really skinny girl with an ugly face, she'd think her ugly. In the end, she concluded it's all about the face. That really depressed me.
So naturally, I feel as if I need to 'do' something to keep up, thus my answer: through consumerism. So far I've been pretty good: I've only been splurging on wood and 3d materials and dvds and nothing on clothes. To me, you cannot change the physical attributes of the face- makeup can only go so far, yet I feel as if clothes can make up for the face. Sad.


Good Friday

Today I attended the Good Friday service at Brooklyn Tabernacle. It was really good-well the talking inbetween put me to sleep and Robyn nudged me to wake me up. Though the play of the death of Jesus was relatively simple (but with 40 actors all in costume) struck a cord in me. Out of nowhere, tears started to well up in my eyes. You know how you are suddenly struck by some kind of profundity- for the briefest moment, everything just falls in place and makes sense but vanishes as quickly as it came? Well that's what happened to me. I will never begin to comprehend why Christ came down in the form of something He had created and allowed Himself to die for something that despised Him. Why would He even care for them? If I was God, I'd smite them or do something really evil to make sure they know who's in control.
It's hard to write down something you can feel but can't explain. I wish I could write it so perfectly that you could feel how I felt at the church, but I sadly cannot.


Apartment

I can say, this process has been a miracle. Everything that happened, has been a miracle. When I first saw this listing, I prayed to God that if this was the one, that it would go smoothly and that I'd be able to find two guarantors that would amount to $172000. Though there were some bumps here and there, we got the apartment though there were many people looking at it.


Blah.. this post has been pretty empty, I know. Just scrolling over it leaves me quite unsatisfied with myself. My thoughts seem just really bland and I'm just really tired.. getting sick.
I SKIPPED CLASS TODAY! Hehehe. I slept in and went to the broker's office and met with my other guarantor who got her paper notorized.. we then went out to eat at this nice sushi place and had a nice talk. My aunt is insane. She watches three movies in a row on Saturday nights.. she has watched every musical you can ever imagine: five times at least. She travels like crazy.. she has already been to Las Vegas five times this year... going to toronto next week and then Japan and then a two week Scandinavia/Russia cruise and then Beijing. She travels every other week. Something about her life, fascinates me. Perhaps it is because I am so grounded (relatively) in New York that her life seems like a whirl of travel and entertainment.

When It's All Said and Done

So this picnic basket I have been consumed by- well- since Spring Break, has gone from this idea in my head to being fully fleshed out. Yet when I went to present, there were a few compliments on my attention to detail but the majority of the crit for me was about how the table leafs slightly drooped downward than stay at a 180 degrees.
I just felt really disappointed because I've taken so much care and time to do everything perfectly. I found leather and made small little straps and strapped forks and spoons to the side.
The thing about art is, is that whatever you do, at critiques, you get crushed with comments and opinions and suggestions for improvement. And it's just very discouraging. Considering this was a personal endeavour and my first time really using wood- I learned how to screw things in (more than just using a drill: measure, punch hole with metal puncher, find the right drill bit and drill a pilot hole, screw in screw) I was so proud of my work. Every layer of stain took 24 hours to dry... so I had to plan everything way ahead of time. I don't know. During the crit, I just started babbling about all these things and I'm afraid some people might have seen this as superiority or something. Iono.
I want people to so badly understand my thought and work process that went through it. I mean, the artist/designer creates things for people to admire/love/use. If there wasn't anybody to appreciate it, then it is dead.
I'm skipping class tomorrow. I just feel drained from the 3d project and if Robyn and Auntie Jo are coming tomorrow.. I have to catch up with other coursework and attend this Good Friday service at the Brooklyn Tabernacle.
Otherwise today was a beautiful day.. we did a walk through of our apartment (it's REALLY dark because we don't get natural light) and signed lease papers which then have to be signed by the management company and then given to us. We can move in early: April 28 so we're going to start bringing things into the apartment like winter clothes and crates (we're going to build a huge crate bookcase.. after 3D I feel like I can make anything).
Allie and Bonnie were talking about money and Bonnie was saying how she's 'obsessed and fascinated' with money and how rich kids at our school can just blow off a ton of money without a care.. there was this girl in her class whose comp broke down so she just went to the Apple store and bought a new $3000 laptop on the spot in the name of homework. Another girl at the caf was telling this guy she bought a dress for $520 and the guy said it was not that much.... geez. And Bonnie continued on saying that she felt so bad for getting the apartment and that she feels guilty and doesn'[t want her parents paying for it and that she'd rather live in Queens if she wasn't so forgetful and pay half the rent. Let me tell you, I felt very insulted and a slight tinge of anger right at that moment. How ungrateful she is: I went to the broker every time he called her and spent several hours there, I got the guarantors to sign papers, I found all the apartments: over 100 potential ones. Every day I went on Craigslist.com and looked over every listing and saved them in a file. I visited the apartments and went with our first broker. I just told her to sign this, this and this and to get money and to call the guy several times. That's all. Be happy you got the apartment and stop saying how bad you feel for getting it because you admitted that you have to live near the school. The apartment happened because of me: I did all the work. And I think this is one legit reason for being pissed off. Tomorrow I probably have to go to the broker's office again out of politeness since my other guarantor is signing her papers and I want to show her my appreciation. Sigh. I just don't get it. I am going to bed.

The 3 R's: reduce, reuse, recycle + reinvent= success

I've been reading an innovative book called 'Cradle to Cradle' which speaks about how our attempts to be eco-friendly are fallible. You can buy vintage clothes which have been previously worn but it's not really 'helping' the environment: you are just prolonging the life of one article of clothing. Sooner or later, it'll end up as a rag for the Formica tabletops of McDonalds and then into the landfill it goes. We all know this. We all know that we either use styrofoam cups aod suck out all the oil in the depths of the earth and let them sit in the landfills for centuries, or use paper cups and kill trees. So what shall we choose? To destroy water, tree or earth? Hm. Tough decision. We are not recycling where computer paper can return to its original state: white virgin paper. Rather, it is 'downcycled' into newsprint (which I use for life drawing) or newspapers etc. When I was reading that book, I realized how much power designers have in the lifestyle and health/well being of consumers. I realized how dangerous everything we own is and how poorly designed they are without the slightest intentions for them to last. I was just looking at my can of varnish so I can apply a layer once my stain soaks into the wood of the picnic basket. Oh my goodness... this is what it says "CAUTION CONTAINS ALIPHATIC HYDROCARBONS... Reports have associated repeated and prolonged occupational exposure to solvents with permanent brain and nervous system damage. WARNING. This product contains a chemical know to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm."
Wonderful. It sounds like a cigarette in liquid form.
Yet nothing is to be done about these harmful chemicals and oil guzzling SUVS and houseware. Every time I'm downstairs at RHCBC, it really depresses me to see all the styrofoam cups that they use for refreshments. Drink, toss. How easy it is to consume- in a matter of mere seconds to the price we have to pay in making these negative choices. Of course I am not perfect, I use styrofoam everyday because our caf is too cheap to use real cutlery and plastic plates.
So why isn't anything being done about this? Because we just want to settle for less. Honestly. We look at the world now and see how poorly we have taken care of it, and carry on our destructive ways, thinking either 1) there's nothing to be done because there are no solutions or that the solutions are too far beyond us and sooner or later, technology will save us. 2) push it far back in our heads and pretend that everything is just going to be just fine.
Yet since the beginning in Genesis, God has told Adam and all of mankind to take care of the earth.

The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.

There are many passages within Psalms (known for its more emotional methods of praising God) where nature is revered and God's power celebrated.

Psalm 24:1 The earth is the LORD's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it
Psalm 50: for every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills.
11 I know every bird in the mountains, and the creatures of the field are mine.

Psalm 104: this one is good overall in glorifying the beauty of nature.

If the body is a temple for the Lord, so is the earth and all that dwells upon it. If the body must be sanctified, pure, clean and holy, so should the earth. For if the earth is polluted, pilfered and vile, then in the end, will it not affect our lives and our health?

But it is extremely difficult. The 3 R's: reduce, reuse, recycle. I think a fourth one should be added: reinvent. For our pathetic attempts to reduce the amount of waste is amounting to very little. To make a great difference, you first must have to pay a great price. We must get to the root of the problem- to the very nature of how objects have formed, the materials they are using: are they sustainable? If not, can we create a new material that can be recycled to its original form without losing its substance or quality? I think the book, Cradle to Cradle, handles this issue very well: the book itself is not paper, but a higher form of plastic which is 100% waterproof (yay, reading in the bath.) and when the book is to be disposed, the inks can be wiped off with special machines and reused. I say, Genius! Of course, this takes much innovation, research- where science (function) must join with art (form). For one cannot forgo aesthetic value (yes the eco-books you see with its humble worn brown recycled paper that easily rips) nor the key issue of environmentalism. Form should now follow function, form and function must go hand in hand.

Disappointment, Distaste and Design

Disappointment and Discouragement


Some times I get so tired and discouraged to fight for whatever I believe in. It seems like whatever you say, others will just disregard you. I sometimes see my friends at Western or Queens or York or U of T and can't help but feel jealous because they're in schools with large fellowships. And I find that more science people are religious while modernist perception is that we artists are mean to be controversial/shocking and 'open minded'. So today a girl in my class said at break 'I am going to celebrate this Easter like an atheist'. No clue by what she meant by that but I thought it was a pretty silly remark. Plus people like Sam C have friends from RHCBC who go to her school.... it sometimes seems unfair. I know that I have so much to be thankful for but last Sunday during worship I suddenly felt angry and sad and disappointed at the same time. Why, why would God hold back Christian friends from me? I have none here. For the past.... hm.. august to april.. nine months I have entered the church and left alone. Do you understand how hard that is? No I doubt it. I can understand a boyfriend. I really can. I don't mind waiting, though frustrating, because I know that I still need tweaking and transform into the woman He wants me to be. But friends? Friends, that the Bible has stressed to have? I don't understand why He has held back. To have the fellowship with other christians. Perhaps I should swap to the Korean church my friend goes to? I don't know. However if the church is a place to worship, should I not be able to make friends with Christians in any church? But that Sunday was quite sad. It feels like Canada 2000-2003 all over again: Goldilocks. I went from small to large to a medium church (RHCBC).
My roommates spoke of the suppression of sexuality with gay men while growing up and about how people automatically think a girl who has makeup and nice clothes is a bimbo because it seems as if she spent time to pretty herself up than doing work. They spoke of feminism and the perceptions of gender. They spoke about how girls perceive other girls who are 'feminine' as a threat but more masculine or 'tomboyish' girls as not a threat.
And you know it's not going to be a closed argument since they are controversial issues (homosexualiy and such). Then again the other day I was thinking about homosexuality and how impossible it is because of our anatomical structures. I knew this before but didn't really think about it much. Everything in nature makes sense and I mean by how everything is structured but men having sex with men works against the design of nature.
I don't know anymore. I think the more I read about Christian theorist books, the more I get confused, the more I don't know how to communicate with God. Andrew once said something about all the different Christian theologists who said God lets you choose your future and there is no right or wrong as opposed to this set path that is like a math equation: either right or wrong. And something about the different ways that God speaks to people but not through this and this and this (sorry I can't remember Andrew so I just won't try and say what it was). And just last week, our pastor spoke about trying to just stay quiet and 'be still and know that I am God'. I tried that and I realized I really can't keep my mouth shut. Now I just feel more and more confused by even what Christian theologists say. My greatest fear is that I'll just pick and choose whatever I want like some big buffet. I don't want that. I want to know exactly how and what He wants me to come to Him.
But I guess this kind of covers how God desires for us to pursue Him and have a desire to know Him. Like a woman, I guess He just likes that veil of mystery, that drives us to try to know Him more and little by little, He will reveal a little of His being.

The Value of Integrity


There is no longer any integrity within school and work ethics. I think, as Tania said, it was very much a cultural thing in which traditional or first generation Chinese families stress on honor, hard work and commitment. Here, my roommates swap homework. What's even more ludicrous is that a girl- a spoiled rich brat from the south- got her friend to sew her entire runway collection for Fusion when it was clearly against the rules. Where is the shame? People keep saying that this year doesn't matter and that we shouldn't bother trying... but you don't pay $42 k to breeze through either. Personally I find that I need to keep my artistic standing among my peers and that's why I try to do my best work. Not only that, but I want to feel proud of my work and that I learned something. I want to show my parents my work and receive compliments and their pride. But now I find integrity is no longer an important asset of a person's character.

Our Environment and the Entertainment Industry


To celebrate Earth Day (April 22), two magazines: Vanity Fair and Elle have issued a 'Green issue' just for the month of April. So if you are anti-global warming and actually give a darn for our environment, please support these two prominent magazine companies by buying these issues.
Today at English, where I was clearly falling asleep, a guy was doing a presentation on the sanitation system in NY and the teacher asked him if we had recycling in our dorm... he said it was a dinky closet with two small recycling bins. Our teacher then proceeded to ask if people actually recycled and the guy said no. And so I just decided to pipe up that "I set up a recycling box where my roommates and I place our paper and bottles in and I take it out when it gets full into the closet". And the guy said "yeah and she lives on my floor". Yes, that's right, someone on your floor actually recycles.

I was reading that issue of Vanity Fair (I don't usually buy it because it's more on people than fashion.. not interested in celebrities really) and they were doing short bios of different people who are continuously impacting the environment for the better and one was a CHRISTIAN PASTOR who supports the environment and encourages churches to use renewable energy and recycling. He even cites from Revelation when God said that 'He will destroy anyone who destroys the earth'. Hahah. Awesome. If God says that he'll destroy you for plundering and pilfering this earth, be afraid- be very afraid. I don't think anyone really understands how tragic this will turn out if we don't take action now. And it's worse at my school because it's a design school. If you want to do something to help the environment, go to the design schools. Honestly. If you go to some school like U of T or Queens or whatever- sure they can get all their students to find some formula or create some gadgetry to reduce pollution but these people I am going to class with now, are the future designers of the world. And design is everywhere from the shape of your fork to the aircondition to the metal can that holds paint to the chair you sit on. Everything that you see, was created by one of us. And there are so many terrible designs that need improvement. Like today I was walking home and was forced to walk on the road because the sidewalk was being repaired and a garbage truck was there and the guys were forcing pieces of steel, wood and glass into the thing that crushes and compresses the materials together to make it compact. I was afraid that the material would resist and bounce back because the design of the truck is not really meant to protect you from flying objects- more to crush objects (unless they resist). Well one piece of ceramic came flying out and spun and hit my foot. Now that is unsafe design. Probably all the fabrics used in chairs and carpets are harmful with all the chemicals and dyes. I just learned that plywood, the wood I am using for my picnic basket, has formaldehyde in it. Not only is this destroying the earth we live on but our health as well.
Okay I am done ranting about how important design and the environment are as a unit. I'm so tired.. it's 3am.

I'm back.

Haven't blogged in about a week now.. just making random comments for today. It takes so much effort and time to blog that I've just slowed down.

Apartment Hunting
It's so hard to find an apartment considering we don't have a credit report and stuff... both our parents don't work so we have to tell them we can pay 6 months of rent in advance... Blah. This is a new experience: learning to take into consideration of utilities, guarantors and dealing with patronizing brokers. Tomorrow we're going to do a little trial run and look at an apartment.


Odd School
Our college is so far from a normal university.. rather than participating at school events such as football games or basketball games like the NCAA that's taking place now, last night allie and I attended Fusion: a fashion show between Parsons and our 'rival' FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology). It was quite cool. There were a ton of talented designers from both schools. Parsons won Best Overall School. To judge the show, there was Ritchie Rich from Heatherette and a couple of other less-known fashion people. It was cool. The best 'model' was this asian girl with super long black hair (reminds me of.... lol.. gong li as Hatsuomomo)
Oh yes, so we had a lecture on Friday with a panel of designers.. if you've ever played Diner Dash or numerous simple online games, the designer was there as well as cutie Daniel Vosovic from Project Runway who was the runner up. My friend and I managed to get a picture with him on her crappy cell phone camera. Now we just have to figure out how to load it onto the computer. He was very sweet. Anyway, they decided to interview Foundation kids to see how long they sleep and what motivates them. Almost everyone said 2-4 hours and chocolate is what motivates them. So the Moderator of this panel talk decided to pelt chocolate at us.. it was quite odd indeed. You think of a typical university lecture, and they sit there taking notes on microbiology while us Parsons kids get pelted with chocolate and watch our own classmates get interviewed and dance on a widescreen projection. Lol. Oh the university life.

Memoirs
So now I've watched Memoirs three times with different commentaries. I love pausing it every other second and examining the props upclose.

Chanel is Just For Chinese Women

I was at Critical Reading and Writing when I read this article which I think is absolutely ludicrous:
Karl Lagerfeld believes his Chanel collection is ideally suited to the Asian consumer.
"The physical look of Asian women is perfect for Chanel, because she (Coco Chanel) was not too tall, had dark hair and a very tiny silhouette, like they have." the designer said during his whirlwind visit here to show his spring-summer couture collection for the house on Friday evening. "Here you don't see big, fat women like you do in other parts of the world. I think Chanel is made for Asian women more than any other label"
First of all I find this quite insulting. Why? Because no European fashion house gave a darn about China and the Asian consumer who quite frankly, I believe, was never the 'ideal' in physical attractiveness. Only when they realized China is now becoming a superpower, are they all rushing to get the Chinese into buying their wares. They're basically saying every fat woman can't wear Chanel because of their physical structure? Oh please. Plus all the models at the China show are white. So anyone with dark hair, small frames, medium height can buy Chanel. It disgusts me.