The Importance of Prayer

Sharing about the lives of other church members without prayer is just gossip.
Accountability groups without prayer is just a get together.
Playing worship music together without prayer is just a jam session.
Fasting without prayer is just an excuse to diet.

That's something I realized and learned the past year. If God is not in the picture, then the life we live is no different from non Christians.

Feathers and Soundtracks

Listening to Avatar soundtrack.

I knew it. I knew it sounded too much like Titanic and lo, it's the same composer. You can't fool me!

I love soundtracks, I think a good soundtrack really tells you how much the director cares to take care of the details. It sets the overall mood, pushes the story and adds that extra oomph to the emotional connection the audience- the bridge that draws us into the film and into another world. My favourite films tend to be the ones with my favourite soundtracks.

Top Soundtrack Songs I ADORE:

Kissing in the Rain-Tori Amos from 'Great Expectations'
Jake's First Flight-James Horner from 'Avatar'
Gladiator soundtrack by Hans Zimmer (sorry I like the entire thing)
LOTR soundtrack (sorry I am overly biased towards my favourite films)
Variation in Blue by Jan A.P. Kaczmarek from 'Finding Neverland'
Glasgow Love Theme by Craig Armstrong from 'Love Actually'
Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell from 'Requiem for a Dream'
Howl's Moving Castle Theme by Joe Hisaihi from 'Howl's Moving Castle'
Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence by Ryuichi Sakamoto from 'Merry Christmas Mr Lawrence'
Farewell by Tan Dun from 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon'
Theme Song by Alexandre Desplat from 'Lust Caution' (a more hauntingly beautiful rendition here)
The Chairman's Waltz by John William from 'Memoirs of a Geisha'
Caresse Sur L'Ocean and Voir Sur Ton Chemin by Bruno Coulais from 'Les Choristes'

DANG IT. They're all so friggin good, they just move me every time I hear each piece. Did I forget any? Yes I purposely did not include any Disney because I'd be listing a piece from each film in that case. But those are the ones I will always go back to no matter what's hot on the pop charts, no matter what R&B hit is out next and no matter what Lady Gaga hits us with next (brace yourselves). Those are my classics- not just of songs I've listened to but movies I've watched over the years.

I watched the last half of Avatar twice today (while prepping a tart so was in and out). Ergh I want to be free.

I guess freedom in itself is a relative term. I feel caught up in the 9-5 realm that makes me unhappy despite the 'freedom' I am given to run within the boundaries of my job. I mean my work is project based and not based on a cycle like the majority of the people at my company so yes I am quite free. I am quite free to explore within the realms of what I do and give my suggestions on what I think is best to the CEO.

But I'm still... itchy.
It sounds odd but I want to taste that freedom that Jack Sully does when he runs through the forest and flies and jumps with the assurance he will be caught by the leaves. I want that single driven purpose knowing that even if failure is riding on my tail, I know that what I did was right. I want to feel whole.

It sounds stupid but I don't feel whole. I feel chained and bound by what I think people think of me particularly Christians. I am still tied down to the worries of what people may see if I presented them my 'love' for fashion. I always feel like I'm doing things behind peoples' backs not because I don't like them but because I'm just afraid that what I am doing is countercultural to what Christians stand for. I feel retarded wanting to write the same sentiments in both blogs but must sound silly to have to copy and paste from one blog to another.

It's just that I've been a listener for so long, I feel selfish when I'm talking. Really I do. I feel like I'm taking up someone's valuable time by talking (in person) about things they may not care about whereas with a blog, if you choose to read it, it's not my business. At the same time people who talk a lot annoy the heck out of me. I admit, there was one time at small group, where one guy was talking in circles for a really long time and I just wanted to tell him he was telling us the same point over and over again. I was just waiting to see how he would stop (eventually someone interrupted). People who talk too much give me a sense that they just want someone to listen so they can spill their whole universe in a longwinded monologue.

I just don't know if what I am doing is right.
Yes I am talking about something specific, I'm talking about my blog concerning fashion. It's the guilt of being in something very unnecessary that gets to me. I have somewhat resolved it- I mean now I finally do not care if someone sees me holding a magazine (yes I used to hide it in my backpack and ran up to my room before my mom or any of my friends saw me with one) and I am quite proud to tell people I graduated from Parsons with a degree in fashion and sustainable design. I don't care for banking and I only have a faint idea of its importance but it doesn't make me feel bad that I chose this field over finance (I suck with numbers anyhow).

But all that I am doing is experimental and it already feels like a tremendous guilt. The baking one, I feel like I can justify it because I am making something with my own hands and... who doesn't like food? This one I can justify because it really makes up all my ponderings and deep thoughts to work issues out. But with fashion, it's all about the visual me. On one hand it teaches me to not give a darn about what other people think but a small voice then asks me why I'm so hesitant about telling anyone about it. It's ironic isn't it that I am okay with exposing my inside while I am terrified about showing people the physical part of me.
Christians will tell me "who cares what people think?" yet I know on the short run, they'll start asking questions of self-centeredness.

In front of me is a pile of yellow feathers that I've twisted into metal so I can loop it through a chain. I saw so many beautiful accessories in Avatar that I often proclaim how much I love the costumes in the film yet no one seems to understand what 'costumes' I'm so gungho about. I love the red draped fringe top that the Queen wears, I love the primary color feathers tucked behind Neytiri's ears, I love the yellow strips in the form of wings that the leader wears, I love the horn necklaces twisted with rope and I love the yellow feathers braided into Sully's hair in the last scene. It's fierce, it's fun, it's exuberant and most of all, it represents freedom.

Darn it and all I want to do is copy and paste the last paragraph into my fashion one once I've finished a mini project. I feel very disparate.

I've been talking to the new girl for the past couple of days online. We connected pretty easily save that she has quite a strong personality and opinion on things. It'll be interesting to see where this accountability thing takes us. She kind of reminds me of me. It sounds kind of vain but you know there are some of those people who have the same 'look' and personality as you? Yeah she's one of them. She came in wearing fringe gladiator flats and an H&M dress with beaded shoulders and those were the first things I noticed. I noticed that she was NOT in banking and if she was, she was a pretty unique banker. I know, it's a little sad that I knew where she got the dress from but I hide behind my job title. :P

I don't have that many friends (but a few good ones!) here because my mind has already set an expiry date when I will move out of Hong Kong. It's not there aren't opportunities but I never really take them. Today my cousin's cousin and his gf asked if I wanted to go hot pot in CWB. Sorry I have this preconceived notions about them, because they go to LKF 5/7 days of the week, I imagined that I'd be hot potting with a bunch of other clubbers and they'd be pre-drinking as the beef would cook so they could fill their bellies before dosing themselves with more vodka later. I gladly declined but feel bad that they always invite me out (she just invited me to go camping.. aka partying on the beach as the invite says). I'm kind of running out of excuses before they think I really dislike them or something. I just don't enjoy that kind of activity so why bother?

A friend once shared with me that she loved traveling and learning about different cultures because the more she learned about other places, the more she appreciated Hong Kong culture while keeping an admiration for those as a foreigner. I, on the other hand, only hold disdain for the place I am in. It's a terrible fault that I have- I love Hong Kong when I'm in New York and I love Canada when I'm in Hong Kong. And when I'm in Canada I love New York. I dislike how 'uncultured' Hong Kong is when it comes to the arts. I dislike how copying is apparently originality.
I really want to return to Toronto right now. I know when I get there, soon I will be bored. But I have an itch to return. I don't think I will because I don't want to get comfortable. Yet I miss the fields, I miss driving down the straight highway listening to the radio and singing by myself. I miss the sunset over farmland. I miss going to my sewing teacher's place to make clothes. I miss my family. My mom tells me that they planted several Japanese cherry blossoms and they are in bloom right now.

I'm very lucky to live where I live. Everyone knows that. The thing about HK is that you are placed on a social hierarchy based on your address. Live on the Island side automatically makes you an elite. Kowloon? You're on the Dark Side (as one of my house church members said to the annoyance of another who used to live there). People BOAST that they live on HK island and not Kowloon because it's a sign of wealth even if you live in the most inconvenient area. When I bring baked goods in, the first question is "so you have an oven?" An oven in Hong Kong is a luxury therefore adding to your standing in society. It's a little ludicrous but it's true. When I bumped into that guy on the subway, he was egging me on to tell him how great my apartment is (ironically he lives in an area I would like to move to if I prolong my stay). Yes a stunning view and yes it's a luxury and it's expensive. Yes my grandmother lives by a beach in the top two most coveted areas of HK but what is that to me? This nomadic lifestyle I lead reminds me that even though I'm labeled as so by HKers and expats, nothing is of my own. I own none of this, I am just here temporarily like life here on earth. I'm just here for the briefest of moments. The riches of this world are blessings that will last only as long as I breathe. I am only staying in this apartment for a while before I have to move out, what does this have to do with my social standing? Nothing. I own none of it.

This song is so catchy... Justin Bieber-Overboard.
Sorry I can be such a sap (it's funny how we apologize for this. My future accountability partner was wistfully talking about her future bf and excuses herself for being that way). It's a song I'd love to drive to Newmarket to.
It makes me wonder who I'll end up with. I have realized I have no imagination when it comes to picturing my future so whatever is good with God is good enough for me. A large part of me in the past struggled with accepting the desire to be with someone; when I heard songs like this or watched some chick flick, because I felt like I didn't love God enough to be satisfied in only that. I felt bad that that want was still there and thought it was because I didn't love God enough that it was present. Did I not try hard enough? Was I not living in God's love deeply enough? But as my aunt says, 3 determines 80. Who you are when you were three years old, determines who you will be at 80. It's part of your DNA, a part of a larger design. Just like how I was born with a long face, long limbs, long fingers, a missing incisor that only occurs to 2% of the world population to the two birthmarks on my legs, this intangible/emotional part too was fashioned from the beginning. Not because I don't love God enough but because it's part of my blueprint.

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Psalm 139
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

I memorized Psalm 139 as a kid and was always stumped by the verses above. It's wonderfully intimate the words David uses: 'knit' (I hate knitting because I'm super impatient- one mistake and everyone can see you screwed up). 'In my mother's womb'- woo God's presence! I still don't understand the 'fearfully' part. I just love how God was present and overseeing the creation of me in some wondrous place and He was the author of the story of my life.

These days when I attempt to write emails, I have nothing really to say about my life in general, just a lot of details which I don't think I should go in to because they're nothing epic.

I was going home from work one day- super glazed over from staring at the computer for so many hours on end. Suddenly I hear a voice calling out above my music and look up to see the first boy I liked back when I used to live in HK (SMALL WORLD). I don't have any feelings other than friendship but it's funny. He remembers I used to play badminton which I don't even recall, he remembers that I was an honors student that got called to the principal's office for a job well done, he remembers which subjects I excelled in. Yet it's funny because now when I speak to him there is nothing that I find very attractive about him. He asks me how my living situation is- I take it he's trying to egg me on that it's wonderful because I do live in a very nice place. He eggs me on about sharing about how 'wonderful' my job situation is even though I really do not like sitting still in an office all day. I tell him I went to Japan and he asked why and I said because I wanted to see the cherry blossoms. He gives me a look and says "okay...." like it's the oddest and most useless thing to do in Japan.
We got off at the same station- he was going to a tennis match and I was going home. He said we should hang out but he's quite busy studying to get some finance certificate. I asked what he would get after passing three rounds of exams and he said a few letters at the end of his name. I said "so you're basically spending all your time so you can decorate the end of your name."

It's funny how the heart can be so attached to one person. To one person the other means the whole world to him yet to another, that person is just a stranger- a nobody. Funny. It's funny how logic dissolves when it comes to heart issues and particularly when it comes to love. To one person you can tell her that you never loved her to shatter her heart in a million pieces but say the same thing to another and she will think you are crazy.
Good thing there is God. XD

Upon discussing relationships within our house church, one of the guys asked me why I didn't stay at my previous church because there were a lot of people my age there and obviously more guys at my 'level'.
I don't know why every decision I make defies all logic if it is in my best interest/desire to be in a dating. I moved at exactly a good time to meet young adults at my NYC church especially since I had settled down there, I changed churches even though the former had a higher ratio of guys my age and I attend the earlier service where there are more families than the later worship that has younger people.
And that's why I expect from God a miracle. I expect something BIG because out of the impossible God makes possible.
Reflecting on all my counter-culture moves makes me realize that I did what was right with motives clean. I changed churches because I wasn't growing spiritually and wasn't fitting in very well. That other church may very well have a lot of potentials, but what's the point if my Christian walk is at a halt? I came to HK in the first place because I was called to be here through a series of cirumstances that God provided me to be here so I do not doubt that the course I was meant to run was to be back in Hong Kong. I attend the first service because I still love worshiping in the morning. Besides, the 2pm service is packed that even the pastor can't sit down. My house church leader suggested me to go to the 2pm one to meet younger people but to me, if I can wake up early to get a seat at the 10am, wouldn't it be better that I not take up a seat at the 2pm?

Sometimes I think I'm retarded and a part of me wonders if I changed all the above, if I would still be single. But I chose to do all those things not to isolate myself or to appease God through my own self-effort, but because this is how I think I would best grow in my walk with God. In many ways it's been frustrating, and in many ways I feel like God is stretching my patience to the point at which I can't bear but throw my hands up in despair and ask why I didn't live the normal teenage life doing the normal teenage things like in the movies.
But while others are learning how to drink ten shots without puking, I'm learning how to speak to God better. While others are learning how to flirt with the opposite sex, I'm learning the virtue of patience (ugh the most painful). While others are learning about which clubs are the best places to spot the hottest people, I'm learning how to build a faith that can move mountains.

I was thinking, I was thinking about the many times that the Holy Spirit has spoken to me the past year and I didn't know it at the time. You know there's that famous story (and yes I am about to butcher it because I can't remember the details) about a man who was drowning in the sea and he asks God to save him. A boat goes by and he keeps yelling for God to save him. A helicopter goes by but he ignores it. The man dies and when he goes to heaven he asks God why He didn't come to his aid and God said to him, "I sent a boat and a helicopter to help but you refused my help." At the time I was thinking "dude I would know if a boat came my way, I'd get on right away! This story is kinda irrelevant to me." Yet there were so many times when I probably asked God for help, expecting Him to save me in one certain way when He answers with another. I think we have all noticed that God never answers or does things the way we think He will do/does. And simply because His ways and thoughts are higher than ours.

I remember that time at my Parsons small group when we were praying together and I had no idea what to pray about when it was my turn, I started off with the usual and suddenly asked God for His help to forgive those who wronged us. I started weeping because at the time I was still angry at my roommate. It was bizarre because I don't usually cry when I pray nor did I anticipate even feeling that moved over such simplicity. Looking back it was one of those God moments.

And I remember so many other God moments. The prophetic words that a guy from the church I left, said to me to encourage me to stay strong: no one knew I was feeling down that day but he said during worship he heard God speak to him about me. The day I read Deut 4 about the Israelites when I was feeling so worn out by people and their lack of commitment- I cried because I felt God was speaking directly to me with two verses. That Sunday I went to church with a particular song on my lips asking the Lord for the worship team to play the song as an act of confirmation of my being here in HK, which they did.
You know, I wonder if I came to HK not really because of my job but because I was meant to grow at this church. The past year I've been wondering about the gift of prophecy, visions, tongues and discernment (kinda funny it's not what I expected it to be) and I feel like I've come to the right place to find those answers. At the same time it's made me realize how weak my faith is.

A woman in my house church shared with me that she became a Christian when she was working in South Africa. When she went to the church, the pastors began to pray for her in Chinese which to them, was the gift of tongue. She asked why they were speaking in Chinese and they answered they were just praying through the Holy Spirit and as the woman shared, she said the Holy Spirit was praying for a member of Chinese descent to come to this church which ended up being her.
Kind of amazing huh?
It reminds me of that pastor from TC who spoke of going into a solo retreat for three days and he came out speaking fluent Italian. It reminds me of the time when I heard a pastor in HK who raised someone from the dead (what???).
All these stories makes me hungry to witness that kind of power. The only thing is that I've realized the problem is that I'm not willing to make myself look like an idiot that I'm required to be when the situation calls for a miracle. I end up heeing and hawing too long that the chance at seeing God work just passes me by. I've noticed that God doesn't do anything He gets us to move with Him. I've realized He really likes CLASS PARTICIPATION. And guess who really failed at that as a kid? Yes. me. I was the shy one who would rather show her brilliance through her homework, papers, projects and tests than have to raise her hand in front of the entire class so that all eyes would be on her to answer a simple question. Nope, not me. I hated drawing attention to myself and I still do but I don't understand why.

Is that why I need to go to inner healing, God? lolol.
And that's why, although I still feel nervous about my singlehood situation, it doesn't seem that bad if I can participate in what God wants and plans to do here in the city. I want to hear God's voice clearly, I want to see Him move within our church, I want to see people being physically healed on the spot, I want to see the unexplainable baffle even the most logical person.

And when the right time comes, he'll come.


=================================================
Man I feel so loved right now! And to think that I have known the greatest love all my life! =D

I woke up this morning with a severe soar throat. It just erupted over night. I contemplated whether or not to go to work and small group afterwards. I really wanted to just see a doctor, gargle salt water and go to sleep again but I wanted to hand in my Inner Healing card and thought that if I didn't get it done today, I never will.

It's funny now that I'm sitting here typing about last night and today, I realized that when I wanted to get inner healing, I got physically sick. When I discovered this I knew it was some stupid trick the devil wanted to play to not get me to small groups so even the more I decided to go. I wanted to see why the devil was getting all riled up.

Come house church time, we split into groups to do sharing and prayer. They asked me what I needed prayer for and I just blurted, "I'm lonely. I don't have accountability anymore since I left NYC that there's a lot of stuff within me that I want to share with people. I like house church (small group) but I don't find it's a place to really share that stuff."

People hate admitting how alone they are or find some guise to cover it up but I'm quite tired of pretending. I might as well lay it on the table for everyone to hear. After all, that's what church is for isn't it?

My house church leader came up to me and asked if I wanted to be her accountability partner. We also had a new girl today come in, a somewhat new christian who transferred from ECC over to SP after someone told her from ECC that she would be more suitable at SP (how odd is that?). She came out of curiousity and said she was so floored by the presence of the Holy Spirit the three times she came, she would cry uncontrollably. She lives a couple of stations near me so we took the subway together and as we were boarding, she said she was also looking for an accountability partner. She thought that we had a quick instant connection together when we ate dinner as a group that night.

So now I have two partners and a new telephone number on my contacts list.

I was listening to the Phil Wickham song again at work today and I wanted to burst into tears at this couple of stanzas:

Soon we will be coming home
You’re beautiful, you're beautiful

I suddenly envisioned God had opened up the heavens, dark gray clouds parted to reveal glorious yellow sunlight and with open arms saying 'welcome!'

If you ask me what two films resonate deeply within me I would name 'Gladiator' and 'Howl's Moving Castle'. Beyond the blood, guts, glory and honor; beyond what people call a 'masculine, guy movie', I love Gladiator. I love Gladiator especially when he dies, the queen says "you're home." I think those words just simply summed up what he was fighting for all his life- to be united with his family. And 'Howl's Moving Castle' because it embraces the idea of accepting and forgiving those who wronged you, loving even the most eccentric of types and the idea that home is not stationary, home is mobility.

I had a sudden deep desire to 'go home'. 'Home' I don't mean Canada or New York, I mean home in heaven. I really want that peace knowing that roaming will be no more, that perfect satisfaction and rest in one place for, well, eternity.

Philippians 3:20
But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,

Ephesians 2:19
Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household.

So now my soar throat is pretty much gone. God be the glory.

Searching for True Freedom

Where do I start?

The worship team played this song: Beautiful by Phil Wickham. The vocal melody was substituted with an electric guitar which I thought was quite wonderful. I really love this piece particularly the first verse:

I see Your face in every sunrise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
Youre beautiful

If we could see the colors of the morning inside His eyes, it means I would be able to see Him face to face in the most intimate of manners.

I really want to ask God why (although haven't you noticed He's not really into answering that kind of question?).

I was catching up with past church sermons and was listening to one on inner healing (actually it was a weekend conference but i didn't attend). Dr. Charles Kraft, the speaker, does inner healing on people by taking them through memories of the past from the very beginning (yes at conception), through puberty and all the way up to adulthood. The experiences could be both small and large so long as it plays a pivotal role in shaping our present self.

Although I couldn't 'join' in with the congregation in closing eyes and praying to God to speak to them through memories, I went along with the exercise going through many of my childhood memories in Canada to Hong Kong and back to Canada. In many ways I am blessed to be where I am- I sensed I really was deeply loved and cherished by my parents and not a 'mistake' as some people would say (please listen to sermon for context).

As they (or 'we') went through to the adolescent years, I was suddenly struck with a few 'kinks'- several memories that had I guess a psychological impact on me.
I was bullied as a kid. I know, I'm the taller one within the group but for some reason was always bullied by girls (strangely I still wanted to be friends with them- perhaps that shows how desperate I was for friends and offers a glance at the reason why I find moving so painful and so exhilarating at the same time).

The exercise brought me to a particular incident when I went to school camp (an annual trip to some nearby island in HK). My 'best friend', another bunch of girls and I were trying to decide what to wear to the 'dance' (essentially a dark recreation room with 'Genie in a Bottle' blasting on the speakers.. yes I am dating myself here). I was about twelve or thirteen and obviously didn't have much of a fashion sense then- I was still wearing oversized t-shirts with photo prints of sunsets and seals with a skort underneath and sandals. One of my friends let me try on a spaghetti strap top of hers which I decided to borrow to 'go out' that evening. My best friend compliments me on the top saying how well it suited me that look. Long story short, she then goes behind my back and tells everyone how I wanted to conform to what other cool girls were wearing and that the look didn't suit me.

The second memory (which actually occurred first) was relatively short and one I've mentioned before. I once wore shorts to my church in Toronto and my mom told me not to wear shorts to church again.

I'm uncertain as to why these two very small memories stuck to me in doing the exercise but upon thinking about it, I realized it did shape the way I viewed my body. I always perceived my body as something as sinful, as something that could be a potential stumbling block to the opposite sex (so you better watch out those shorts aren't too short lest you cause men to lust and then it's really your fault for letting them fall into sin). I always blamed myself if I was leading someone on and likewise if I ever saw girls wearing less than I, I judged them as brazen, unchristian people who didn't respect their bodies by covering up.

I've read a lot of self esteem books. Christian self esteem books that tell women that they are beautiful because God made them. As a teenager who was really insecure with herself, I constantly kept 1 Peter 3:3 as my mantra which I taped next to my mirror (that made you look fatter, how is that for kicks):

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

I would constantly repeat this to myself but I don't think I ever found freedom through muttering a Bible verse.

I felt really awkward when having to cross a group of men sitting/standing around, I'd always and still avoid eye contact with guys with the thought that either they are looking at me because they're perverted (50% likelihood- I currently work in a warehouse-dominated area), they think I'm dressed weird (40% likelihood) or they think I'm attractive (10%).

I worked hard to dress modestly (as I wrote before I realized I was doing it out of shame, not modesty). I complained that Forever21 never carried shorts that went past mid-thigh, wore bermuda shorts and dresses that went to the knee. I measured godliness, in part, by the way I dressed versus others. It wasn't until this past summer that I started wearing the standard shorts because HK is too plain hot for anything else.

My aunt likes to muse that I've always been long-limbed- ever since she saw me at three years of age. She said I could model when I grew up while most other Asian aunties said I could play piano with my skeletal fingers. Still people would say now "you have long legs" and I would take it as both a compliment and something to hide because I'd remember what my mom said about 'no shorts in church'. Somehow wearing shorts equated to disrespect and to me, a part of my body was disrespecting the house of God.
It wasn't until a couple of months ago, a friend out of the blue with the utmost sincerity, said I was gorgeous (judging only by the physical). It took me by surprise and for about a week I was in euphoria. I kept the conversation turning the words over as if they would melt with time. I realized how thirsty I was to hear those words- kind words from someone who had no other agenda but to say something he thought was true. This quickly turned into "what is wrong with me? Do I desire attention so desperately? Yet why is there that hunger to hear that?"

After listening to the inner healing conference I was reminded by my Maker that my body is not a source of shame but a temple of God in which the Holy Spirit resides in. I had a picture of me floating against a background of dark clouds where I was clothed in a large 50's style coat with bell sleeves and an A-line silhouette with a knee-length hem. The coat was gray and yellow at the bottom (ok I think it looked like something from Prada Spring '10) with an open front so you could see inside. Instead of lining, there were dark gray clouds that filled up the interior. Suddenly a gust of wind lifts the coat up and it flies away.

I don't know what I'm wearing underneath yet I couldn't see it either. I don't think I can see it yet because I'm still not free of this. I'm still living life in fear though I've somewhat identified it. Fear of what? Fear of what other people think. Like that time I saw the crippled man on the street. Even with the hindsight that I have now, I am uncertain whether or not I can pull an Indiana Jones leap of faith.

God spoke to me through this past Sunday's sermon though, nailing everything in the head with the three points I've been mulling over the past week:
1) Shame- if we are to walk in the light, we are to live as free people. If we are free people, then why are we all so afraid, ashamed and embarrassed?
2) Accountability: find an accountability partner.
3) Go to inner healing counseling.

Concerning number 2, I didn't realize this until this past Saturday I went with my house church to watch Iron Man 2. I never felt so alone with a group of people. We were having Korean bbq- some were chatting in Korean and others in deep conversation with one another that I could not penetrate even when I showed obvious interest to be included. I realized at that point, although we are a house church, no one knew me. Granted it takes time, my two decades of experience have already showed me this, yet at the same time I don't see anyone right now who I would trust enough to talk to. And I am feeling loaded by all my issues that I just end up writing here because.. I have no accountability. Therefore the sermon confirmed this need.

Concerning number 3, I'm stuck in a rut about how to deal with the fear issues I recognized and wrote earlier therefore I will seek people at church for help.
--------------------------------

The folly of intentions: judging others by their actions while judging the self through 'well-meant' intentions. We judge others by their acts while judging ourselves by our own thoughts that never really developed into action. So deep and true as said by my pastor. "I'm a good person because I WANTED to help out with service but I was busy.. but at least I intended to help which is better than not having thought of helping out in the first place... I'm a good person."
-------------------------------

Why do I always cry when I write in this blog lately?

I'm drained. Will try to find time to pen out the rest of my thoughts tomorrow.