Reflections on 3.5 Months of Summer

Listening to Final Fantasy music, thanks to Alex; Eternity: Memories of Light and Waves, and Wind Crest by Hiroko Kokubu. It's just really calming and soothing.


I had a good first day back.
My school finally issued out my financial award letter which included one BFA scholarship of $11,130. Praise God! Thus with all the scholarships and one loan put together, it came up to the sum of $25,130: meaning I'll have to pay about 15-20% left of the tuition.
Sweet.

And I helped my friend move to her apartment and ended up getting hooked on that drama series, 'Heroes'. I wish I could paint the future too(sans heroine of course, but that Jap dude is hilarious).

It's odd to be back. Everything looks strangely familiar yet distant at the same time. I still need to ease myself in to the life of a New Yorker, I'm doing a few really silly things that I once knew but forgot while I was in Toronto.
And I miss having my cousin here.
You don't know what you got till it's gone.
And though she was here for an entire year, I dont think I totally appreciated her being here with me. Partially perhaps half the time I thought she'd be staying for a while and then after Christmas/Urbana, knowing that she would go, pushed her away as a protective instinct to myself.
But it feels weird to be back: when I entered the bakery, I remembered the last time I came was the day Robyn left with her parents and Auntie Jo purchased me a few tarts to take home. And as I walked past her first year dorm, I remembered the last time I came was when I helped her move all her belongings into the van three and a half months ago.
I'm currently standing on the brink of sadness but also that of hope for the coming year.

These three and a half months just flew by. I had the pleasure of Ayrine and Alex coming to the airport to say goodbye. It was the first time that I didn't cry when saying goodbye to my parents although when I read the plane letter that Ayrine and Alex gave me, I did start crying and had to look away into the window to avoid attention.

I think it's appropriate to reflect upon my summer and how it went. What did I do?
Spend time with different groups of friends and family, went to Paris for two weeks, took a basic Japanese language course. That's about it. But it was a fulfilling time. Some people see spending time with people and socializing as an easy, natural activity to do while I see it as something that takes a lot of hard work and effort.
I can say that the friendships that I made/worked on were satisfying- that I think they're strong enough to stand their ground.
I had a wonderful summer, I really did. Although it was painful to say goodbye to one individual, I've gotten to know new people and have really enjoyed just getting to know them- those like Tammy, Linda, Rachelle, Jess and Ayrine. And others, I got to know better like Steve, Alex, Robyn, Sam, Jerry and Eliot. I'm very appreciative of all these people who have been in my life the past few months and I'll miss those times very much but hoping something better will be in store for us in the future. It just saddens me to know this may not happen until the following summer which seems so very far away, standing from where I am.

And now I turn back to life in New York. The friendships I formed here are still very young- like the past of my friendships in Toronto- but I think with much effort and God's grace, they can become like those in Canada.

Everything that surrounds me is calm and serene,
only the leaves of the trees stir outside,
sky of a dazzling mist white, the sunlight streaming in and illuminating walls of muted jade,
except everything inside of me is screaming and-
the fears of change and loneliness are welling inside the crevices of the heart.
Though surrounding myself with friends
despite the familiar coolness of ice cream,
the laughter of friends,
gifts of Shiseido,
the moon- full and round,
the familiar scape of the boulevard of houses and strip malls,
the more lonely, afraid and withdrawn I become.

Coming home: a bowl of pork bone soup, marbles of watermelon and a check of tens of thousands,
clipped to a fuchsia and lime leather bookmark with a bible verse pressed into its flesh-
electric blue sticky note
with simple words of tidings for the new school year,
love Dad.

And all hell within me was unleashed-
crying because I am afraid,
because all that was good has finally come to a close,
and the fear of goodbye is looming,
of hating more than loving,
of having to get back up on my two feet and standing all on my own.

God, you took them away,
will you give any back?
This chillingly familar sense of solitude,
will you fill up?
The need for a sense of security,
will you bring peace?
This fear of the unknown and uncertainty,
will you give me a sanctuary?

I've done this before,
And I know, in the end, it will be okay,
so why does it seem so new each time?
Please give me comfort,
I'm so very afraid.

When I was watching Harry Potter 5, Harry asked his students to conjure up their happiest moment to create the Patronus charm that would protect them from the Dementors; and I instantly thought of my surprise party.

At one point in my life I remember having to choose whether or not to live a long life full of mediocracy- little pain- just glossing over everything enough to make myself comfortable but untouchable; or to live one in which immense happiness and love intertwined with deep pain and loss. I tried the former which made me even more miserable for I realized that having no love created a deep underlying sadness. The human heart was never meant to go without love- no matter how hard we try to pull away from it, our instincts tell us to go back.
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Leaving from one place to another is like dying.
You say your goodbyes, you look back and glance at the person one more time- never knowing if you'll really get to see them again. Though my designated return date is Jan 10, who knows what will happen between then. Although it sounds really emo and somewhat drastic, if dying, the thought of death or knowing that your life has an expiry date stamped on it makes you appreciate life more, well, always having to leave one place for another has made me appreciate people and places more because I know the time I have is short. People always say they regret not telling so-and-so "I love you" but in my case, I don't really see that since I feel like I'm forced to do it every time out of the fear of what the future holds.
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I wonder if it is better to live in a city with little change or one that is constantly evolving. I can't seem to stand the former out of frustration with its slow will to act to become what it claims to be as a 'world class city', yet I dislike the latter precisely because I can't seem to grasp onto anything substantial before it all slips away.
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Paradoxically Pretty: Being 'une jolie-laide'

Drooling over every page from the newest Vogue issue. I like the frankness and attire in this one although a friend told me the clothes were too 'artsy' for his taste.

So, I like fashion that has intellect. And one blogger that I love to read is 'Susie Bubble'- now a rising star in the fashion world for her insightful posts on fashion, history and street style. And this blog entry along with the 83 comments that girls (and perhaps a guy or two) broke my heart because it sums up all that I feel about my own self esteem issues and how I view myself; I identify with so many of these girls. I can safely say that some of the comments and discussions within the post are quite philosophical:

Look at Me, Don't Look at Me. (along with comments, just scroll up for article)

The post is extremely similar to one that I wrote several months ago (I was trying to find it in my archives but there are too many posts)- eerily similar, actually, to I wrote about how I am insecure in my physical attributes, therefore I use fashion as a supplement and to also detract attention from my 'not-so-attractive' face. Interestingly enough, I've found fashion to be a source of comfort in finding something beautiful in the biological foundations which I don't find very appealing. Is it an escape? In a sense it is not because I'm, pardon the pun, fashioning this into my reality. As one reader commented on Susie's blog, "fashion is born from dissatisfaction and creativity." I am always pursuing the "what ifs" rather than "what is". For true fashion looks at the ugly and creates beauty, yet once it's accepted by the general public, it becomes another challenge to deviate away and explore other alternatives. If I'm not blessed with a classically beautiful face, I can win myself and others with the way I dress (though ironically if people start giving you odd looks for the rather different things you wear, it actually sets you apart as a 'freak' rather than being 'accepted'). As another reader who wrote about her sad experiences at school and being bullied for her 'ugliness' said, "I can honestly say that fashion makes me love myself again, because I love fashion."

It sounds like an extremity, but fashion can really act like anorexia, in which since one has no power to really change their body shape/genetics, controlling factors like clothing or in the instance of anorexia, the food/calorie intake, becomes a device for control and power over the outlook of one's self. I hate looking like everyone else- and it has become a habit of mine to not leave the house unless I look like me- that which sets me apart from all my peers because I don't want to look anything less than what I've made for myself.

If there are two things I'm afraid of, it's the camera and the mirror- both which brutally remind me of my flaws. There are times in which my mom sees me very happy, and once I come out of the bathroom, I'm sullen. As people like to say, "you are beautiful in your own way," then why is it that we have a general consensus in the definition of what is pleasing in our eyes: a standard of beauty in which only skinny girls with clear skin, wide eyes and rosebud lips are revered? Is beauty really so subjective as we like to call it? Or is it, in a general sense, an objective view accepted by the masses?

If I can't get a boyfriend or if no one asks me out, perhaps the reasons being that I am not beautiful inside and/or out or whatever reasons elsewhere, I will take comfort in cloaking myself with what I myself deem as beautiful. I might as well, if others do not agree, have fun with the physical palette I was given by dabbling in all different hues, shapes and forms. If I look physically 'odd' from the start, I might as well do what I think is beautiful and let others 'judge' in the extremities of my oddity. Paradoxically in my insecurities of being judged by people, fashion has given me my own voice and allowed me to break free of caring what others think of me.

My 'Beef' with the CD Team 'Discussion' on the Environment.

I thought the movement, colour and texture of these clouds were pretty interesting though I was too late to take snapshots of the actual sunset.

Worship was amazing today. It's been a long time since I felt this way and actually felt moved to raise my hands. Although I was discussing about it with someone who said the 'mix' wasn't done well, I've been deprived of just some good, heart and soul musical worship, it was like giving a cup of water to a thirsty man. It was great. All the songs that I love, in the right 'sing-able' keys with a great set of instrumentals. Thanks for the great worship, team. :)
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Warning: I do not have the intentions of pointing fingers in the following post, I am just venting out my frustrations which I think are fitting in the presented circumstances. Please correct me if you think I am wrong in any shape or form.

Today I was looking forward to CD Team because it was concerning about Christianity and the environment. The week prior, we were told that this would give us an opportunity to faciliate some discussion amongst ourselves rather than having the teacher/head preach to us from his notes. Now if you know me, I'm not one to usually talk within group discussions but because I'm rather passionate about this topic and am not so ignorant so as to talk like a fool; I was hoping to have a say in things and be able to participate rather than just mere spectating.

Yet I must admit I was brutally disappointed today. Not only was I cut off and interrupted from what I really wanted to get at when I decided to disagree with the 'teacher', but the discussion ended up concerning not about the environment but- well- I'm not sure where the 'discussion' went to... it ended up with us students having very or no say at all resorting to us having to listen to the 'teacher' talk about what he thinks is correct.
I was rather annoyed by the point that was made that the poor have 'resorted to drastic measures to meeting their basic needs thus negatively affecting the environment around us' when in fact the majority of the cases is when the richer, more developed countries, overuse resources and as a result, the poor have basically nothing. The example given by the 'teacher' (I'm sorry, I don't want to use names and I know I'm already implying and pointing fingers but to put it bluntly, there's no way around this), was that the Amazon rainforests were being cut down by the indigenous people so the government had to set up soldiers to guard the forests from being hacked at, so the 'teacher' said the solution according to this article he read a few months ago, was to give them jobs as soldiers to guard the forests so they could provide some income from their families and cease cutting down the trees.

The funny thing about this whole 'indigenous people cutting down trees to meet their needs', is that unlike us, they use- what- saws, machetes and knives to cut down trees to provide heat for a tribe of 30? Exactly how many trees can you cut down with a bunch of men and a few blades while us super smart North Americans have- hm- trucks, chainsaws that basically mow down trees like lawnmowers are to grass? And unlike the richer developed countries who look upon the earth as a resource for making money, it's the indigenous people who hold a reverence for the earth that they live on- they understand better than we do, about the place they call home, and the sanctity of the land. We don't live there thus we have very little physical/spiritual/mental connection between the earth and what dwells there unlike the indigenous people who live there. While we store what we don't need, they use what is required to live.
Perhaps I'm getting his story all wrong or perhaps he's skewing the story, nevertheless I don't think it's really the poor who are taking drastic measures. The point is is that the only one who is taking drastic measures in depleting the environment are the rich countries. Our ecological footprints are huge- the poor have very small footprints and if we wanted to bring them to our standard of living, the earth would probably collapse immediately. The only 'poor people example' I can give in terms of a'drastic measure' is China's lower class who take coal from mines and use it to burn fuel. But I'm kind of thinking how much greater the impact the industrial factories next to these villages have upon the air quality than those homes that are burning up a small pile of coal (Tania can clarify everything for me. :P)

The largest 'beef' I have with Christians concerning the environment is that most of them don't really care. Their mentality falls among the lines of 'Jesus is coming very soon so why bother taking care of the earth if it's all going to end'- so why bother helping the poor if the world is going to end? I might as well stop sponsoring my World Vision kid and use the money to drink, eat and be merry. It's either that, or they think we first have to think about the 'poor people', and then the environment when in fact we are so intrinisically connected together, it's impossible to solve one without the other.
I look at my parents' generation and wonder how their children, our generation, is supposed to learn about saving the environment if they first did not care for the world as they should have. Because I am no scientist, I can only show you our grave situation through what I know best which is Art; for art and design reflects the current ideas and philosophies of the time, back in our parents' day and age, as a backlash to the modernist thinking of the Bauhaus of creating something universal and timeless, Pop Culture was extremely trendy in which the philosophy became 'expendibility, disposability'. Plastics became a rage, paper furniture became popular in which you could fold and toss after a few wear and tears. This was our parents' generation, ladies and gentlemen. So how can we expect them to teach us how to protect the environment when they were the ones who grew up on learning to dispose at whim?

To this, I have no answers, other than we are slowly waking up. Sometimes I find the church just a little slow when it comes to issues such as these. Even the fashion industry, which we so turn our noses down for its expendibility, is mobilizing to accomodate our current situation. Whether you believe it or not, fashion is a reflection of our times.:

-H&M, mass produced clothing corporation has issued an organic cotton line
-Fair trade/sustainable clothing companies have started such as Edun and Loomstate
-Stella McCartney and a few other designers have refrained from using fur in their collections
-I just read that Philip Lim and Stella McCartney will be featuring 'earth conscious holiday lines' for Barneys come this Christmas.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've moved beyond the Pop Culture age to the Green Movement.

I don't know. I was just hoping to actually have an actual discussion with other Christians in the CD Team, but all I got was to be quiet and to let the teacher finish off what he wanted to say and to discuss it further with him after class. -_- It wasn't even a discussion anymore- it became some lecture. I know I don't stand a chance between a man with a math PHD and probably has books of wisdom already within him but I know my arguments are quite logical and based on actual accounts. Honestly towards the end, I wasn't sure what we were talking about anymore: Jesus' second coming or his love for math which he considers an art or what. Sure it's good to discuss about the second coming but I think if the topic was the environment, we should actually stick with talking about the environment rather than deviating from one point to another about things that somewhat link the environment to the Bible, but not in solid ways.
I'm just really disappointed. Is it just me? Is it justified or am I being really nitpicky?

Self Acceptance Paradoxes// Denying and Justifying the Self for the 'Sake' of Others//Fearing Eden//HP 5 Review

Oh man, I've had no time to think hence when at night I'm sitting in front of my laptop, I'm pretty much full of information of the doings of my day.
There have been a few things I've been wanting to write down but they're nothing of much 'importance' or anything lengthy that could possibly create some kind of long journal entry; they're just random spurts.

Self Acceptance Paradoxes
-I don't understand why but I can't seem to ever accept who I am. It's just the minor/small things in life which make me wonder why I'm just so unsatisfied with who I am right now. When I'm with people and am laughing really loudly, I wish I was a quieter, more resigned person and not so obnoxious yet when I'm my shy self I wish I was loud and bubbly. It's like I despise my shy self because it's an automatic state of resignation in which I want to break free of, yet when I actually pluck up the courage to talk to someone I don't really know, I wish I didn't look so stupid and kept quiet. Another example, this may sound silly and completely arbitrary but when I'm in a dress, I wish I was wearing something normal like jeans but when I'm in jeans I wish I was wearing something that sets me apart.
At times I find it harder to accept myself than other people.

Denying and Justifying the Self For the 'Sake' of Others
-Yesterday I watched as one girl was excitedly telling her guy friend about a specific dress she purchased that day at the mall for a charity ball. I was amused but at the same time felt myself admiring her for being able to talk about such... 'girly' things with a guy because I myself would never do that. If the opportunity surfaced, my default stance is to act as if I didn't really care much and would give some vague, indifferent answer. I don't understand why I feel so much shame about something I like- perhaps it's because it doesn't lie within the realms of saving peoples' lives in the surgical room or bestowing wisdom and teachings on children or defending human rights. Or perhaps it's because I've heard other people remark about how they wouldn't want to date someone who likes to shop a lot or spends so much time looking in fashion magazines or is high maintenance and prissy. Or that even in the design industry, architecture is regarded as the highest of the design fields and at the bottom is fashion; for architecture lasts hundreds of years and the turnover rate of clothes is extremely high (no I'm not kidding, architects to regard fashion as scum). And all that guilt and shame just builds within me, on one hand I've somewhat accepted this because I'm trying to make a career out of it yet on the other hand I'm shunning it and trying to ignore my interests for the 'sake' of others to not think badly of me. When I'm in a mall and if there is a guy present in my party, I will not look into the store windows nor will I go into a store or look at the merchandise- unless I eyeball them from the side until the muscles of my eyes get sore. It sounds extremely pathetic but I've become used to it. I once confided this with a guy friend of mine, and he asked what would I do if in the company of another male, I saw something in the window that I liked. I told him that I'd make a note of it by glancing at the store window and walk on and return later by myself to take a closer look.

And it somewhat tears me in two because while I am interested in what I do and I actually find this 'stuff' interesting and am proud of taking a road that's different, I feel very disheartened because there is little 'cause' in what I do. I don't save people, I don't teach them, I don't go and preach the gospel to them. What I do basically is to try and make people by clothes that they probably don't need in which they probably will not wear after the year is over. And sometimes I wonder if I'm justifying what I do by injecting the word 'sustainability' into fashion to somewhat prove to other people that I have depth because I'm looking beyond just the unnecessary; that somehow I'll feel less guilty for liking fashion and going into it because I'm somehow trying to 'save the planet' by studying sustainability.
To be honest, I'm really doing this whole sustainable thing not out of passion but because I feel like I have a duty to fulfill in protecting that which has been given to us. Although I do feel anger rising in within me when I see the ignorance of others and the peril of our environment, it's not as strong as what I feel for fashion. I will go out of my way to recycle things (like I went through the garbage can of the shared bathroom at my dorm last year and found every plastic bottle and carton and put them in the right recycling bins. When I told my mom, she was disgusted), I don't think my stance on the environment is as great as someone, say Tania, but I will do what I can for now, to keep the Earth going. When I was in Eco Action, the environmental club at my high school, I avoided all those 'No Idling' rallies after school or anything of that sort because I felt kind of silly doing those things. It's just not me. Just like how door to door evangelism is not me. I'm not even talking about comfort zones anymore, but it's just not my ministry.
In the end, I don't know if I'm doing sustainability to somehow justify my like for fashion. I don't know if I'm just trying to chocolate coat the things I love with things that are perceived as more honourable so I feel less guilty. It's like I love chocolate but trade in the Swiss truffles for the no fat crap to feel less shame for eating the more high calorie things.
Geez, I don't know why I have so many problems accepting the person I am. It seems that I have a harder time accepting myself than accepting others. Do you know why I first went into interior design? Why I applied for interior design colleges? Because I liked fashion but didn't think it was a very logical or accepted field to go into. The interest was growing but I still ticked off 'interior design' on my college applications under which design field I wanted to study in. If you know me, I was actually a student at both Pratt and Parsons until a month before I decided to go to Parsons. The reason being is that I could not decide which college I wanted to go to: Pratt was the obvious choice for interior design and Parsons for fashion. The logical choice would have been Pratt because I was applying for interior so I logically should have gone to Pratt. But while I was trying to make that decision between the two schools, I secretly wanted to go to Parsons because I didn't feel a great desire to learn about interiors- especially those of the corporate worlds (I mean, who wants to design cubicles for a living?) and I actually wanted to dabble my hand in fashion although I had no experience whatsoever in sewing. Actually I had a phobia for sewing due to Home Ec classes when I was attending school in Hong Kong. So I told everyone I picked Parsons because I wanted to 'keep my options open' but knew I wanted to switch to fashion come second year.
The reason why I'm not in the pure fashion program at Parsons and am in the Integrated Design program studying fashion and sustainability as my two design tracks, is because I never thought I was skilled enough to go into the pure fashion program in which a lot of people knew how to sew (it's so rigorous that they have homework for Christmas and summer holidays: 100 sketches) and because I thought I could justify my interest in fashion by balancing its 'frivolity' with something heroic like sustainability. Don't get me wrong, I still am a treehugger but it's not my foremost love. I do get pissed at people when they think gas is expendable or when our church uses styrofoam cups; except I regard it as my duty because all that is given to us is a gift from God, and that gift we must use wisely.
I know fashion can be really stupid at times and I want to kill myself when I read articles in the most recent Vogue titled 'My First Wrinkle' written by a thirty year old woman, but I know there's also an intellectual side to it as well.
All this that I've said, is the reason why I can't just happily talk to a guy about a dress I'm wearing to some event or about the latest couture show I saw on style.com. I'm not doubting God, but I find it highly unlikely that I would find a significant other because the things I like and do are the things that I know guys try to avoid. Which is why if I do find someone, I'm gonna keep a job to fund my own closet/interest- I don't want to become a burden or a thorn in someone's side. Ironically, if the time comes when I am able to speak to the opposite sex about clothes or fashion, it'll be one of the most important signs of trust and intimacy on a mental level and not one of the shallower things I would divulge to others. I can easily talk to people about what others regard as 'deep stuff' because to me, the stuff is what others regard as relevant Christian material; it's the exact reverse for me because the things people see as shallow, I see as very important. So what I really want in a guy is 1) God centered 2)Is the leader in the relationship but uses it for the benefit for the both of us 3) Does not have to like what I do, but respects it/me all the same.
That's it.


Fearing Eden
-This summer I was taught to fear the environment for the sake of health and beauty. I went to a Chinese herbal doctor who told me to only wash my hair every other day and to lessen the number of times I wash my face because the chlorine in the water was irritating my skin, causing it to 'blush' (or the less flattering word 'redden'). He told me to cover my arms entirely to avoid disease and bacteria from entering- even during these hot summer days. I decided to visit a facialist who told me to switch to all organic/botanical products because the chemicals were also irritating my skin and causing it to become dry.
My mom always goes for walks in the evening and sometimes I'd accompany her; and on these walks I've realized that I have slight nasal allergies and the skin on my legs are more prone to heat rash. The funny thing is is that I don't have these symptoms in New York- an artificial environment which is even more toxic and polluted than
I don't know. I feel like at times we regard our natural environment as an enemy more than it serves to nourish and protect so we coccoon ourselves in a man-made environment, far removed from the garden we first were designed for.

HP 5 Review
So a lot of us went to see Harry Potter 5 on Imax today.
I'd give it 8/10 stars purely out of first impressions- I know if I watch it more than three times, the rating will start to slip. Sadly, many of the scenes reminded me of our church (not positively either) in which the politics of the organization overshadow the work and limits the harvest.
There were many LOTR cross references- like in the final scene, Harry declares that Voldemort didn't have a cause for his fight, but they did, and then the scene ended. But I was left thinking "And what are YOU fighting for????" in which I could plug in Sam's whole speech at the final scene of the Two Towers when Frodo asks Sam the very same question, "What are we holding onto, Sam?" in which Samwise replies, "That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it's worth fighting for."
Hehehe.. yes I have memorized it because I YouTubed the 'Two Towers: Sam's Speech" and watched it over and over again because it moves and inspires me to just keep going.
Anyway, back to my very poorly written HP review, it was the typical 'good vs evil' story and yet again reminded me of how Christians are also in this battle, though we don't brandish our wands and broomsticks and fight some hairless dude who has some serious anger management issues and an obsession with a particular boy wizard, that our every day lives reflect how God has changed our lives for the better.

Oops, I went off on a tangent and it's 2am... gotta cut this short due to church tomorrow morn. :P

Lifesong: Home.

If one song could capture all your thoughts, feelings and your general outlook on life, what would it be?

I think I've found mine. Although my Itunes 'Most Played List' reflects otherwise, the song that most mirrors who I am is Michael Buble's 'Home'.
Because I usually dislike posting a block of lyrics from a song (I mean, if I really wanted to read the lyrics, why read someone's blog when you could just google them up yourself), I've written a very scrappy commentary after each paragraph on how the lyrics have become personal.

Michael Buble- Home.

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Summer is whizzing by. I was making a tiramisu today and the last time I made this was for Angie's birthday photoshoot back on May 22. And now it's August, and I'm starting to really worry about having to leave.
I cried when I was on my way to Paris. Yes, it was only for two weeks, but I missed my parents terribly. I know, I sound like a wuss while everyone is eager to get out of a house with a pair of nagging parents. But there has not been one time where I could just go through the gates without tearing. The unknown scares the crap out of me and having to come to terms with the fact that my parents are miles away, saddens me. I have a really good relationship with my parents especially my mom, so I miss them terribly when I have to leave them.
Moving away to New York has made me treasure even the most mundane things in life- driving down the same neighbourhood block to pick up my brother despite having hit every red light, I catch myself griping and remind myself of how short of a time I have here; to just sitting in my house bored to death; to having my mom nag me about doing something. The other day I was very happy to see yellow kiwi that my mom set aside for me, and she tells me how nice it is to have someone who appreciates whatever she cooks/makes (unlike my brother who was born a picky eater).

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

This one is pretty obvious- I live in New York, home to millions of people where I really do not have any privacy even in my apartment. And as my former pastor said, New Yorkers suffer largely from loneliness despite being in throngs of people every day.

And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Being an art nerd, I always like to make people things as gifts of gratitude in hopes of showing how much they mean to me through my art; yet when I really try to express how much I'd miss them, it seems to come out really... needy and stupid having written and displayed my vulnerability.

Another aeroplane
Another sunny place
I'm lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I've got to go home

I know God has blessed me with a lot especially having the opportunity to study such a 'frivolous' industry in such an overpriced school. I know I was truly blessed by having the ability to go to Paris for two weeks for 'school' and had an amazing time with six other girls I met in the program yet one of the things I looked forward to most during my trip was at the end of every day when I returned back to my Swiss dorm to shower. I don't know why I loved it so much but it was a great way to end my day by having time to myself to think.

Let me go home
I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

I don't know whose life I'm living- I guess my own, but I feel a little lost. I don't feel like I have a 'solid foundation'/concrete 'home' to fall back on; rather just a series of places I've lived in the past. I hate to say it now, but I know eventually my parents will sell this house in Toronto and trade it in for a bungalow or an apartment... but I really love this house- from the trees which we planted when they were just saplings to the perennial flowers which serves to mark time and remind me of how quickly the years go by to the warm orange walls of my room. As John Ruskin, a philosopher and critic of Gothic architecture, said architecture should be based on the love and the time spent in developing it. Technically people should not move around but stay in one place to create a history within a dwelling place to call it 'home'.
I always wish that I could take my family and individual friends with me wherever I go for comfort, safety and security but I guess my dreams and ambitions in life have always taken me elsewhere. But I know they're always rooting for me and supporting me in whatever I do.

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

...
Let me go home
I've had my run
Baby, I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home

Heaven aside, I haven't reached this stage yet in life that Buble sings about where I can really conclude, "this is where I belong. This is my home." My parents told me a family friend in Hong Kong has two daughters one who is in high school. From Kindergarten all the way to Grade 10, she has been in this one Chinese private school. For fifteen years she has had no changes in her life- same friends, same home, same scenery. And now she's going to an overnight camp to experience 'change'.
I really want to be able to say "Ok, I'm really done with change and physical transitions. It's time to settle down somewhere," but I'm not sure where and whether or not I'd be satisfied with staying in one place though I have a strong desire to. But perhaps in the future, there will be a place for me where I can feel like a state of permanence exists in which my days are not dictated by arrival and departure dates.

Reflections on Retreat 07

Our course coordinator took this pic of the Versailles Garden after it rained. Beautiful.

So retreat is over.
I'm disappointed that the three days have gone by so quickly- that I can never pluck up the courage to talk to more people- afraid of being too forward, too pushy, too friendly etc.
So what did I think of it this year:

It's been a year since, well, last retreat; since my entry on the grievances of being the spectator with the camera but never the on the court. Looking back, I've progressed much from where I started. But I know I can go farther- it's just that I'm afraid of how people will respond thus it holds me back. There are people who I'm just intimidated by but who I am open to have friendships with but feel like I should keep at arms length.

Anyway, enough of the veiling of words. During this past retreat, I couldn't help but think about the previous one- those tears that were shed were genuine and not for the sake of attention; the sorrow and bitterness within me couldn't be dammed anymore, breaking those walls that I built around myself. Along with the preconceived ideas and prejudices I held against people to all the hurts of not being able to penetrate any cliques and my frustrations in finding a suitable church, they all came flooding out.
The question I asked them was that, how can I help others if I myself am still stuck in the rut of trying to find a circle of Christian friends?

From there, God launched me into some project of my own doing through a book (How to get a Date Worth Keeping). It did nothing for me so much as to change my whole mindset around- giving me the reasons why I had to go out and why taking risks in relationships were necessary.

I can tell you right now, all the change that has occured in my life thus far since Retreat 06, will sound only cliche and silly but for me, has really turned me into something better- and more mature.

I became more open and receptive to people, trying harder by getting Facebook (bah) and adding people on my MSN list to going to every church event that was offered or when people asked me to use my gifts to help them.

But even so, when you become vulnerable to others, certain risks are involved and disappointments are bound to come. As much as I'd like for people to open up to me, they aren't necessarily willing to do so which I find a little discouraging because for me, time is such a luxury. I watch as my flight date looms above me and anxiously hope that certain individuals do choose to open up before I have to return to New York.

I think God has challenged me with certain people this past year, prodding me and telling me to get over with what prejudices I had against them and actually try and approach them and get to know them. But I guess it's safe to say that I've learnt much this past year in terms of forming relationships.

I've found the cure to my 'illness'.
Would you like to know the antidote?
It's nothing new, rather, it's actually quite cliche. But it took me a while to understand what those phrases really meant- it took God to make those statements personal till I was able to internalize them.
It really is about two things: the mental state and the physical state:

1) Serving is the key to making friends at church
2) In the head: be open to all, don't be choosy in terms of friendships, say hi to everyone, don't be afraid of rejection- just brush it off- there will be more opportunities in the future and eventually some have to work, accept everything, go to everything, accept the state of awkwardness and laugh about it quietly to yourself...

I think one person whom I found inspiration in, was a girl I met many years ago but never got to know until this summer.
Ayrine has taught me that you can ask people random or deep questions even though the friendship is only in early bloom. She's shown me that just 'pelting' people with questions- even about the most minute thing- expresses interest in getting to know the other person.
But I think she's master the art of it, I think I'm just scaring people off. :P

What I found funny about Retreat 07, something that I did not realize due to my sleepless state at the time, was the sermon. While most people were on the end of the welcoming congregation, my perspective is very much rooted as the shy newcomer so for me to hear his sermon was a little... on one hand I appreciated his suggestions, but on the other, I could not understand why people within the church did not see this before. Personally I don't think the whole parking thing is THAT much of a big deal as long as their relational needs are met first. I will come early to grab a better spot if it means I can connect with people there. But if I can't make friends there, even the VIP parking spot won't really satisfy my spiritual or relational hunger.

So I counted that day. I've been to a total of ten churches, give or take one. This number counts only those that I went for a short/long period of time to see if I could fit in- not including those which I visited while on vacation. So naturally I understand the state of the newcomer very well.

And I guess this was my answer. Now that I've discovered the medication, I'm in the process of healing. In the end, I must say, it really is all about the mindset. Somehow I was lifted out of that negativity and can only look at the path that is set before me and just keep going.

Funny that I encountered someone today, who is struggling with what I'm being healed of.