What a great way to start the week. Monday I was hardly sitting down at all- my retail shipments came in and I had to prep them for assessment and to give my recommendations to the CEO. My pet project items also came in- items I got to handpick from our site to promote for my new feature.
At the end of the day I gave my boss my recommendations on how many items to ship out and he says that I'm clever and that he was amazed that there were 15,000 views on a particular series of blog posts I did in collaboration with our Promotions team. For winter they initial categories to market were jackets, scarves, boots. I told them promote leopard print, faux fur, lace-up boots, capes and Nordic print.
He said I really knew my stuff and I told him it's because I actually love clothes.


The fact is that I actually do not know anything. I am just paid to find out ways to improve our company. After my little project gains stability and can run on its own, I think I have the option of leaving.
Admittedly there were times I wish it would sink in my frustration with non-fashion people but now I only want the company to be astronomically successful. And a part of me realizes that I am quite essential to the company- that price is not king and that taste cannot be bought but is part research, part natural gift and part passion.

It just feels so good to have someone praise me. Not just anyone but my boss, the CEO of our company. It makes me feel that, yeah, perhaps I am going the right way. Perhaps I am doing something right and that I should not doubt my decisions anymore.

About a month ago I had to face some past fears that left an impression on me fifteen years ago. I was literally sitting down on the floor of Central station sobbing, my cousin next to me. She said to me that she admired me that I was always true to myself, that held my ground firmly despite what everyone else thought was cool. I think while I seem so unsure of myself on the surface, I know deep down inside, what I want and have to do to achieve it. There's no better example than when I was deciding which university to go to. I was accepted to both Pratt and Parsons for Interior Design. I took so long to decide that my parents paid the down payment to defer my decision until July/August. My mom once sighed in exasperation that I couldn't even decide between vanilla and green tea ice cream in Kyoto, how could I choose a college to go to? On the surface I was telling everyone I wanted to do Interior Design but really, deep down I was very curious about the fashion industry. It's why I chose Parsons when the obvious pick would be Pratt for interior.
I think I spend a lot of energy trying to bypass people. I bypass people because I don't want any criticism of the things I really enjoy doing. I spent so much energy bypassing people that for a whole year I had three blogs. People would ask me what I am doing and I'd give excuses. People would ask me for a blog url, I'd give my sweets one. I don't want people to know about this one, nor do I want them to know about the other one. Oh, what if they thought of me as narcissistic, vain and selfish?

If I had continued doing what I was doing in 2008, who knows, I may be in a different situation right now. But I didn't- something I regret but I do not hold because God is greater.

I then realized that what I want to do in the future really depends on whether I could break free from self doubt. I recall once when I was telling someone that I wanted to do a portfolio in the style of a blog, the person told me it was impossible. What employer would care about clothes and food together? The two are disparate matters. But after a while I realized that I was the only one who saw the slow shift from typical Renaissance-style artist book portfolios to a dynamic blog style portfolio that was constantly moving, constantly adding layers into an intoxicating mix of social media, work and relational development with readers and potential employers counting the number of hits on your site. And guess what, that person now has a blog portfolio too.
I really have to stop caring about the ghosts of my past. I don't even speak to them anymore.

I still believe in my thesis project. I really believe that it will work one day and that the system I designed at 21 years old can work when I'm 30. Currently daydreaming another system into mind- oh I'd love to launch this one too. Thank you God for imagination and creativity.

Ps. After my blog post on Saturday about Peter walking on water, Sunday's sermon was on Peter walking on water. Funnay.