2012 thus far

It's been a while since I posted in here and whoa the backend of blogger has completely changed. I guess I let this blog die a little partially because I realized that perhaps I had my boundaries a little skewed and in reverse. I openly share about my personal experiences here while withholding other things that necessarily did not have to be withheld. Much has changed over the past year and as I revisit this blog and read entries from 2010, I see a lot of that anger, disappointment and frustration has left. At the same time I see there are issues I still need healing over and have to continually subject them to God. And I'm writing here today primarily to address my past self and my future self of the goodness of God and how much has changed since then. As you will be able to read here I am standing on the brink of a lot of change and I need to record it down right now before anything happens so in bad times I am reminded of His faithfulness:
1. Prophetic Dreaming
I was going through a few issues of insignificance and doing-over-being relationships when I had a dream. A couple nights ago I had a dream where my companion and I took a taxi to Tai Koo. We were passing a bar who was run by a fortune teller. There was a chubby kid sitting on a stool in front of the bar. She start to tell his fortune as if she was demon possessed. Although I knew fortune telling was wrong I still felt an irresistible attraction to get my future read. I paid $8 and sat down. After a moment of silence she asks me if I had any spiritual strongholds broken. I thoughtfully said "self doubt" and "fear". She said she couldn't read my future due to the strongholds being broken. I left thinking I wanted to ask for a refund but didn't. The day after I was rereading my old blog entry where I mention the following "It's all because of my fear and self doubt. I take pictures at softball because I don't want to play and don't think I could (self doubt) because of my fear of hard flying balls."
God spoken dreams like these always make me look forward to dreaming more and seeing how He speaks through the sub conscious.
2. Sam is Home
I think it's no secret now that I launched a fashion/lifestyle/food blog. I was reading my old blog posts and yeah that's what I've been harping about if you had no idea what was plaguing me. In a worldly sense I haven't accomplished much like the biggest fashion bloggers yet my greatest personal satisfaction is having just the freedom to express what I want has been the greatest hurdle tackled.
In the end I cannot justify what I do but faith is not justified by works. Does it stop me from doing good? No of course not, Paul writes clearly ever so more we should strive to do good because of our faith.
Someone asked me back in Toronto how I justify myself in the fashion industry. I told her I think God appreciates the fashion designer who makes disposable clothes but goes to Him daily than the doctor who thinks he is justified because he heals people. No, faith is not justified by your vocation but is justified by the cross. And that is the reason why, dear friends, I am no longer seeking to find approval in this regard.
In the end we are to fully embrace the gifts and personality that God has created us to be. I cannot be all things but I can be what God has given me. The parable of the talents is a constant reminder that hiding what I was given is a foolish and ungodly move that was built up through lies. I see how developing a small gift of photography/writing/styling has brought me a long way since then and after nurturing these talents have matured so much in comparison to when I first started. I like writing and I love being able to write in different 'voices'. While this is more candid and personal, Sam is Home is my way of writing personal things in an impersonal manner and disguised behind wit. It gives me an arena where it is Sam-focused but the goal being to say as little 'I's' as possible and make a self-style blog less about myself but pointing to a bigger picture. A challenge at times but rather fun.
3. Year of Calling
Interestingly enough I was prayed over at the beginning of this year by an old man in a church in Toronto. He said this year would be my calling and one of joy overflowing. At the time I dismissed his prophetic word as a cookie cutter one-liner for anyone in their mid 20's but after remembering my house church leader's words that "prophesy alone will not manifest itself. It requires prayer from the receiver for it to come into fruition" I began to pray about it.
Simultaneously I began to read the book called 'Intercessory Prayer' by Dutch Sheets and began to wonder what would happen if I began to intercede for the fashion industry and God's will in this field to penetrate, restore and redeem. I began to get a lot of ideas of a business which I kept to myself.
At the beginning of this year I also found out that the boy I've been praying about for three years was in a relationship. I was sad for about a night and got over it. Oddly I felt strengthened by the closure of this prayer and was thankful for God for finally answering. I'm not angry nor sullen- rather I felt like something lift off my chest and I felt free. This acted as a further prompting for me that the Year of Calling required much prayer and interceding for- one that probably would have been distracted with if a boy were involved in. Thus I am ok, still single but ever more closer to what I'm supposed to be doing. And if it weren't for his relationship, I would have never received a confirmation on the year of calling and would have been divided in my prayers. I don't believe that there's such thing as 'wasted prayer'- I prayed, God said not now, so I'm done with it. Perhaps I was meant to intercede for him the past three years and that's ok. It surprises me that I'm not heartbroken over the matter nor dramatic in fashion- I'm totally okay with it. Is that a sign of maturity? XD
When I returned to HK, I met up with a friend and we started talking about fashion and the meaning of it when we realized we had the same business ideas we wanted to see manifest. Fast forward four months later, lo we are starting a business! Who knows what will happen to it, if it succeeds or not, but it's been amazing to see how God can work so simply through interceding. I now know that God chooses to work through people when they simply ask God to use them. And evermore we should continue praying.
4. Eight Months
So remember the girl I mentioned in my previous post that I met through being forced to do Offering Prayer? Well this has been a fine God-orchestrated story:
That girl also has a beautiful singing voice and I've always told her she should pursue music and do an album. Her and a friend who plays guitar did Offering song once and was approached by a guy in the audience who offered to mix and produce a cd for them. They asked me to do their packaging despite my lack of knowledge in cd packaging and art.
When we spoke to the printer productions manager he told us the quote for a cd sleeve with a spine and back/front print would cost $11k: that's $5k more than the allotted budget that the two girls were planning to spend. I jokingly told them to ask our leader for funding as the proceeds would go to our church building fund. They said they would pray about it.
Several days later they call me telling me they have exciting news and that we had the funds to do a spine for the cd. During a session of Early Morning Prayer, the guitarist decided to say hello to the worship leader and share about the album they were creating and the shortage of funds. The worship leader asks the guitarist how much they needed to make the cd. After telling her it was $11k, the worship leader shares that the past week she was given some money to fund her mission trip which was already fully paid for and that amount came to exactly $11k. Thus she donated that money to us to create the cd production.
At that moment I knew that God wanted to really anoint the girls with their music and to encourage them to pursue music as their gifting/passion but after re-thinking about this I knew that God also wanted to tell me that He provided the fancy packaging costs for me as a designer to fulfill a specific aesthetic and look for them. And then I knew I had to step it up because God was backing me up. Even He prefers the more expensive packaging! :P
Anyway after struggling through a few versions of the cd art, we came to a great compromise of aesthetic and I can't be more pleased with the look so far. We're all in anticipation to see how it'll turn out like the next Friday and for the EP release on the 21st. Who knows how God will use this music or if it all ends here only serving as a reassurance that He is with us and that He provides in all situations both small and big.
I am just encouraged to see how a mere act of obedience (offering prayer) has turned into a friendship and then into a music album. You can never outgive God.
5. Love and Anger
I'm starting to see and understand what it means to not react when people are angry. When you begin to understand the spiritual side of the story, you realize that people react out of their past hurt. There's a friend who is constantly reacting to me not because of what I said in particular but because she was triggered by something in her past. Normally I would get angry and lash back but I've learned to actually not get angry/resentful at her and just see past that into the spiritual realm of things. God, even through my own inner healing, has showed me how to not immediately react to a situation and to see/evaluate it from the reactor's past circumstances. It's been difficult at times when I just wanna go "I am so done with putting up with your spews at me. I'm not an emotional punching bag. God why meeeee" But He told me He thinks I can endure it and go through with it, so shall I.

Yep so that's life so far. God take me far!

Goodness, Praise and Thanksgiving

God is Good.

I'm not sure why I visited this blog today- perhaps out of sheer curiosity now that so much has happened that I can't really express here.

But it's amazing to see how God has worked in my life and how 'The Year of Favor' is really taking shape.
You see all the anger, the questions and the rage pent up in the last few posts in 2010- well I just reread them and cried because God has answered and healed every single aspect. The doubt and fear of myself, the hopelessness and loneliness in church and the question of vision in what I was doing culminating at the end of this year.

Retreat really was the turning point- the unleashing of something greater and a dynamic sense of healing and moving forward.

Ever since then much has happened- and I'm not even addressing very tangible things like my blog. No, I'm speaking purely from the spiritual. It's true that when we see a glimpse of God's glory, everything in this world fades away. I could care less about all the fashion parties that we cover because it truly is nothing compared to what God is doing in this city. God is really really moving in Asia, in Hong Kong and in my church.

It's not to devalue fashion and blogging but it's just amazing because...
My blogger friend became Christian. All I did was introduce her to church and it just snowballed from there. We sat in a fast food restaurant and prayed for her with my house church leader. We went through an inner healing session and went through the many painful memories that she went through that shaped her... we even had to go outside to pray because the restaurant had to clean and close.

The remarkable thing is that God is showing Himself every time. She sees a vision of three tacky angels circling around. In Hollywood style sign God tells her that the angel is called 'Israfel'. Initially I thought it was because English isn't her first language, she was actually trying to say 'Israel'. She suddenly starts repeating 'Serafel! Serafel!' and my house church leader thought she was speaking in tongue. I asked her if she meant 'Seraphine' which is technically a restaurant in NYC.
She then starts saying 'trumpet!'

We look it up on our Iphones- God basically revealed to her an angel from the Qu'ran who sounds the trumpet on the Day of Judgment also known as Serafel.

Amazing. Talk about goosebumps.No one even knows these angels 'exist' nor did our pastor after we spoke to him about it.

As her faith grows- it's so simple and so pure and childlike that it makes my faith increase greatly because I see God work in her. You know how when a new Christian just utters God's truth and meditates on it because it is new to her? How much more should the 'mature' Christian be refreshed and renewed by Scripture he has seen many times over.
I honestly feel more blessed to see her grow than she being blessed by my invitation to church.

The second story is this. Our House church was assigned to do offering prayer for the month of October and I dreaded having to do it. Anyhow I did it rather clumsily. Afterwards a girl comes up to me and asks me if I'm Sam. She's from Toronto and my parents saw her briefly and found out she was coming to HK to teach for a year and recommended my church to her. She came and for some reason knew it was me when she saw me though we never met. I invited her to House Church where she began to share her struggles of moving to HK. I literally could feel the pain. When we prayed for her at the end together as a House Church, I began to read Deuteronomy- a chapter in which God formerly used to speak into my life when I was in NYC and the first time I remarked that I ever cried reading the Bible. I don't know but because I felt her pain I started crying and praying for God's covering. I knew, I KNOW what it feels like. But I was crying because I know God's Sovereignty and how He delivers us when we feel most alone and confused.
Anyhow now she is firmly a part of our House Church and church.
All because of a simple Offering prayer.

Juanita- the intercessory prayer woman for our pastor calls it 'Sam's branch'. I guess the year of pruning was last year, and this year is the year of bearing fruit.

God, what next?

Retreat

So this is what retreat is supposed to be like.

I hate retreats.
Ever since Grade 10, they've reminded me of what it feels to be lonely.

I knew I'd be coerced into going by my House Church leader so I signed up, dreading the weekend to come.

But this church's retreat is different. We prayed, we prophesized, we spoke in tongue, we heard sermons and teachings.

More than that I received inner healing for things I've been struggling with since my days back in Canada. The second day I couldn't stand to sing. I couldn't worship. I felt like inside was a piece of wood- hollow, hard and stiff. I literally felt like something had a tight clench on my heart- the communication line between God and I.

A HC member made me stand up as I sat down and she made me take my hands out of my pockets.
I started crying. I've been so scarred by past experiences of retreats- particularly one I attended a year ago which became the starting point of my slip from this church into bitterness and anger in 2010. I remember Grade 10 retreat- I felt so alone the first day that I called my parents to drive me home but my mom refused to. I remember Grade 11 where on the last day I started bawling because I felt so alone to a group of girls who didn't even know me. It's what triggered my old entries on being the spectator but never the participant.
And suddenly a memory of what a pastor said to me last year that hurt me deeply as a Christian female triggered me into another bout of sobs so the pastor's intercessory prayer woman of 85 years old took me outside along with my House church leaders to talk to me.

That night I received inner healing from my high distrust of men, my conflicted views on fashion which is the tool I will use to fulfill my calling, the self-rejection of my inability to accept physical beauty as a gift, the hurtful comments that people tossed lightly on me not realizing that they gave birth to spirits of fear later in life.

And the funny thing is is that none of it was thanks to the sermons. In fact every time I finished an inner healing session with my House Church, those sessions were confirmed by the topic of the sermons that I needed not to go to any altar calls.

On the last night everyone was prayed for individually by the pastoral staff and he prophesized the following:
1. "The ability to just receive"
-I have a hard time receiving without feeling the need to pay the person back.

2. "This is the year of the Lord's favor over your life."
-I already wrote and told my House Church earlier that in January God spoke three times in a week's span that this was the year of the Lord's favor over my life and that judgment has passed of 2010. I started crying at this point because the words were just so right on as I am waiting for this to come into fruition.

3. "The unleashing of beauty from within"
-I had a spirit of self-rejection of the gift of physical beauty after years of being bullied and told I was not very attractive. I think this is an area of my life I am still trying to overcome but since my pastor said this without any foreknowledge of my issues particularly because I had inner healing on this issue the night before, I am expecting breakthrough in this area.


I'm starting to experience what true fellowship is beyond just hanging out. As each member of our House Church was getting prayed for, we would pray in tongues behind the person. With the friend I was rooming with, I cried through the Spirit as she fell back on the ground and started weeping.

Truthfully I'm exhausted. 5 hours of sleep a night starting Thursday till Sunday (work tomorrow) but I feel free. I feel free from the bonds and chains that the devil has held me back and I thank God for surrounding me with people to help me find freedom.

Shekinah glory.

Ps. if you're reading this, I've forgiven you.

Mmmm I guess one person can make a difference.

So our house church is splitting into two. I was sorted into the new group that consists only about five or six people whom I admittedly do not really care to know more. I was contemplating emailing my leader today asking if I could be swapped back to the original group.

But as God would have it, I bumped into the new leader at church and he asked if I was free for lunch after service.

And we just had a really good talk- one I haven't had with any Christian for quite some time. His vision for the future house church and desire to make it a family and not a check list on the agenda, the wish to see members talk more over the leader and yeah... everything he saw it to be I too really wanted and it just gelled together. In that 1.5 hours I was so encouraged to know that I will start looking forward to my Tuesday evenings and to know that I will be talking to friends and not strangers going over sermon questions.

I haven't forgotten, it's my year of favor. Whatever that means by God is good for me.

---

As much as I dislike doing the discipleship course on Friday nights, I'm glad that we're forced to memorize Scripture. Memorizing Scripture forces me to really understand what I'm reciting and I realized that it's actually quite easy to memorize verses word for word. Even more so I'm understanding how to silence temptations, doubts and fears by simply reciting verses to counteract those. As our pastor said on Friday, Satan knows that, as Christians, he cannot take away our salvation but he can stop us from being productive and furthering God's kingdom.

I'm writing this down so I don't forget- for the better or for the worse of my psychological and emotional health.

---

Two months ago, my company wanted to send me to Korea to cover fashion week again. I wasn't excited at all- rather slightly dreading it. Long story short, I ended up going.

The last time I was there, I didn't get to see the boy (remember?) but I had peace about it. This time I emailed him a week prior to my arrival, I didn't receive a reply back. I guessed he didn't care or was just annoyed.

But being the oxymoronic painfully shy extrovert I am, I called him on Day 2. I was so worried sick that I'd get a negative response that I realized that the more I stressed over it, the more I should just call him just to make myself feel better so I could release all that mental dawdling in my head.

He's surprised, he didn't get my email. Oh well, that's what happens with the Internet. We talk for an hour with a hiccup in the middle when one of our Iphones dced. He calls back. We talk about stuff like how you can get McD's delivered to your door in Korea and how their Shanghai spicy chicken burger really has nothing to do with the city it promotes in its name. He asks me when I'm free. I said on Day 3 I was going to shows and interviews back to back so no can do. How about Day 4? I said I was free after 5:30. He said he was only free before 7pm. Great, it seemed like a replay of last time.
He then asks about my flight schedule on Day 5. 3:15pm I said. He says we could go for brunch before I took the airport shuttle to Incheon. Great I said, text me where to eat.

It's the evening of Day 4. I don't get any text message. I'm all packed by 12am and am determining what to wear the next day. Heels or no heels? Tights or no tights? Blazer or hat? Hair up or hair down? Yeah I'm lame like that. I pay attention to what I wear.
At 12:15 I start talking to God. God, can you remind him to text me. I'm very sleepy but I don't want to text him first. I thought to myself I'd stay up till 1am and then that's it, I was going to bed.
It's 12:45 and I'm just sitting in bed with the Iphone in my hand. Fine, I'll text him to remind him to tell me where to go tomorrow. Right as I was trying to adjust my fingers to the touch screen, the phone buzzes.
Are you sleeping yet?
I start laughing. God doing His last minute thing on me again. Correction: not last minute, perfect timing I guess. I told him not yet. I've dozed off and when I wake it's past 2am. I missed a text message. He says to meet at CGV in Gangnam at 11am for donburi or curry. Ok tourists don't know abbreviated location names but I'll figure it out.

Day 5.
I wake up before my alarm clock. I'm probably just nervous. I start listening to Surrender by Lincoln Brewster as I finish packing.
I find out CGV is a cinema.
Screw it, I'm cabbing to the station because I have one suitcase, three bags and a camera in tow. I realized it was impossible to look fashionable and attractive lugging so much stuff around to meet a boy.

I get there 20 minutes too early and the cab driver doesn't really like me that much for some reason. He's grumpy when I ask for a receipt. I have no idea where CGV is so I call him. It's next to Adidas, he says. Ok I like it when I'm given a shopping locale as a landmark. I find CGV and stand in the front, taking photos of the city. It's clear, bright and brisk with a cool breeze. 15 degrees and sunny. Perfect.

He calls me and asks me where I am. He's standing in front of the cinema but so am I. I told him that he couldn't miss me as I am carrying so many bags. He says he sees me, I turn around and see him. He's wearing a black 'leather' jacket- asymmetrical zipper with a draped collar, a brim wool hat, jeans and a pair of dress shoes in gray purple. He's carrying a white leather backpack. It's different from the boxy tan one he was carrying the first day I met him three years ago. He looks the same- my foggy memory just came back into focus, a crystal clear picture of a memory that's been shuttled around in my mind too long.

He takes my suitcase and I take the bags. We walk into the little streets of Gangnam and he shows me some nice cafes. He asks if I want donburi. Problem was that it opened in 30 minutes- too late for someone who needs to take a plane out. We go to two more restaurants, same answer. My shopping bag breaks so now I'm holding it like an oversized, oversized clutch bag in the most clumsiest fashion. We end up at some random Korean restaurant for chicken. I didn't even see the menu, he orders for us both. When we talk, he often looks away- I can't tell if that's force of habit or he's just nervous. While I was nervous before, I feel very at ease- it's what happens to me often when I make presentations- I feel some strange confidence existing in the now than just worrying about the unknown future. Anyhow.
By now we're talking about more random things like how he doesn't think Jessica of SNSD is attractive whom I photographed on the runway and how women who just got plastic surgery done would use their arms as shields from swinging limbs in a cramped elevator. He laughs at my vintage block of a cell phone I use in Hong Kong. I talk about the runway shows and how the coffee sponsors didn't serve cream and sugar with their coffee so I had to drink it black every day. We talk about home and travel. He says living in Korea is ok, but not the best. But Vancouver has no prospects either and NYC doesn't feel like home without family. It's odd but if I inserted Hong Kong instead of Korea and Toronto for Vancouver, we both have the same problem. He tells me that he doesn't want a roommate but at the same time he doesn't want a roommate. He wants his family to move to Seoul or that perhaps it's time to get married.
He asks why I'm not eating much, I tell him I'm not really hungry. Truth is is that my stomach is just full of anticipation. We decide to skip the rice and get the check. He gets up to pay. I ask him how much it was though I already knew. W 28,000. He says he doesn't know the price and that he's bad with numbers as he pockets the receipt. Thank you. He continues to talk about how he was terrible at calculus and that he always wanted to ask the prof the practical application of these formulas. I said he should because I bailed out of calculus as soon as I found out design school didn't require me to take it.

He carries my suitcase down a narrow staircase to the main road. Later on I find out just how heavy my luggage is stuffed with runway books, magazines and a computer. He says that he'll take me to his favorite bakery- one that's been around for 30 years. There's a ton of ajimas sitting inside talking avidly. It reminds me of a Western style Chinese bakery- ones like Maxims or Lucullus. He asks me what I like. Probably not sweet huh? I ask him what is he talking about, I bake, of course I like sweet! He gets me the cheesecake one and I pick two more. He picks a croissant stuffed with sweet potato. He pays for it and stuffs the sweet potato one in his backpack and carries the bag and suitcase in tow. To the bus and to the airport shuttle station.

To my disappointment, the bus arrives as soon as we get to the station. We take it and start talking about how Korea doesn't have Ikea and reminisce about how one has to think of inventive ways to stuff an extra human being with all the furniture in the trunk leaking over into the passenger seats. He says he wants to visit HK and perhaps one day live there. Yeah right.

We see the airport bus stop on the side of the road. What, already?? Time needs to slow down for a minute because it always seems to be on schedule when I least want it to be. He asks the bus driver when he will leave and translates to me that the driver said 2 minutes before 1pm, no more no less. It's 12:35. There's a Cafe Ediya nearby and he takes me there. He gets a mint chocolate 'flaticinno' and I get a cafe latte. He pays again. We sit down, he says feels awkward that he's the only guy in the cafe. I point out the old man at the cashier. He says he doesn't count. He amuses over the chalkboard painting next to us and find out it's actually pretending to be a chalkboard painting- it's really acrylic on canvas. It looks like a connect the dots or a paint by numbers. It's a line drawing of the Eiffel Tower in abstract style. He says he's tempted to finish it but it looks quite cute.

It's time to go. In front of the bus I thank him for everything and give him a hug. I have to tiptoe. I have to tiptoe. What a strange feeling! Lol. He tells me he started to use Facebook again and to keep in touch. Yeah, Facebook.

---

If you think I'm crazy, yeah I think so too. The fact is that I've been praying for two and a half years for essentially came in the form of two hours. A part of me thinks it's just a tease and ridiculous- I mean we're always on the move and on the go. I don't know if this is just a demise I've set myself up for brutal disappointment. People often ask why I like him so much. My interpreter at the show saw a photo of him and said she could introduce me to someone better- 6'2" guy who has been scouted over five times by modeling agencies. I don't know- I've just never met that incredible mix of ideals, background and appreciation for similar things (it also helps that he's taller). You know how people would say, "he would be perfect if ___" but when I see him, to me, he fulfills every facet be it spiritual/physical/emotional/mental.
The point of the painstakingly 'pointless' record of details was to illustrate that the small things matter. To me, the small things speak volumes of someone's character. He carried my luggage without me asking at all whereas my aunt had to tell my socialite guy cousin to get out of the car to take me to the airport train booth to buy my ticket. He gets out and heads in while I'm gathering my stuff. My aunt then calls out to him to help me with my suitcase.
You can tell which ones came from a life of privilege from those who went through much hardship through their actions. The ones who are sensitive to other people's needs often have a history of some family issues where they were forced to step up in a leadership position.
Anyhow beyond that what next? I don't know, I guess I should speak to God about it all. What I tried to plan for fell through, what I did not plan, God made happen.


I'm giving you my heart,
and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of You my King

Giving you my dreams
I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride
For the promise of new life.

The devil keeps telling me that my gift is useless, my passion is useless and what I love is frivolous. Yet as I think about it, one of the most powerful mediums, the largest and wealthiest industries is this one. Simultaneously it is also the one he has the strongest grip on. I can't help but say back to the devil, "so if my gift is useless and my passion frivolous, then why do you care so much to tell me that?"

I realized that if Satan defeats people spiritually through the physical, can we not, as Christians, fight back using the physical for the spiritual lives of people?
Imagine if all the Christians in the fashion industry got down on their knees and prayed for God's deliverance. How amazing would that be?

After the sermon on Sunday on spiritual warfare, the worship team leader (also my inner healing counselor) and I had lunch. She told me that within the Five Fold ministry (apostle, prophet, evangelist, pastor, teacher) that I mostly embodied the traits of the Apostle with traces of Prophet due to my visions and aspirations (I'm thinking in my head 'no wayyyyy the Apostle has the gift to touch the other four roles!'). So I took the spiritual gift test yesterday with 'ellco' (mercy showing) and 'kubernesis' (administration) being my leading gifts. 'Ellco' gives the ability to sympathize and help people while 'kubernesis' is the power to lead and motivate people.
It's an odd mix though considering how soft-spoken I am. I rarely speak my mind because I'm sensitive to how people may react while I remain quite stubborn and strong willed in what I believe in.

God, could this really be it? Could it really be that I was born to be a leader, to be a person to motivate, inspire and change an industry? It sounds impossible.

As my pledge to our church building fund, I thought that I would donate my bonus for this past year which is basically one month's salary. The bonus itself means more than just a lump of money- it was something I was really looking forward to because I never received it the first year I was here nor did I get a raise. When I first received the bonus, I was thinking about that pair of Fendi sandals I wanted or perhaps a trip to Europe. Yet when the church asked for help, I hesitated to pledge a number. Yet I realized how quick I was to generously gift myself yet became stingy and hesitant when giving to God. Money is spiritual thus... God you get my bonus. No more Fendi sandals (unless God makes them go on sale? HAHAHA).

As my faith pledge, I promised God another month's salary if He would move the CEO to raise my monthly salary by $3k. While this is possible in the banking world, the standard is 3-5%. I am asking for a lot more which would probably fall under Market Salary Adjustment. This will also determine my future at this place. I will know by April.

Dum dum dum.. how exciting life is with God in the picture.

Silver Lining

I'm on Cloud 9.

Today I had my first model shooting (not me- we hired one) for my new campaign. A year ago we tried merchandising a separate brand only to have it fail due to high prices and the fact that I was not on set to help style and pick the model. But this time we did all the shots in the studio, I got to pick the model and had total control of the set, the hair and the overall mood of the shoot.

Admittedly I was nervous- nervous due to the fact that I never got to see the model in person and agencies tend to exaggerate on proportions. What if the clothes didn't fit, what if she didn't know how to pose, what if she was actually really ugly in real life? While her casting shots were rather mediocre and a colleague just snubbed her as "ugly and not likeable" for a model, I ended up choosing her though I was doubtful after the comments made on my decision.

But omg when she came around the corner at the office, I just stared. 5'9" with really skinny legs (actually I would prefer if she fattened up a little, she looks a little like Bambi), big doe eyes and a full pouty lip. Her hair was thick and stick straight with no layering whatsoever. Her English name is Eva. She's from Guangzhou. She's 19 but taking a gap year to model for low key runway shows in China. She hasn't done photo shoots per se so she told me she's nervous.

As for me, I had my arsenal ready. I had all the shoes lined up, sunglasses both retro/aviator, thick and thin belts, my favorite black hat and my platform heels in case none of the merchandised shoes fit her. My rack of clothes had four sets that will determine the direction of fashion at this company for the next month- all ironed, all perfectly categorized by their own themes and outfit sets.

She was quite stiff. A little nervous (she's high school!). She's quiet. But when we got her to loosen up (which involves me prancing around and encouraging her that the shots look good while doing the pose with her), we got PRADA and Jill Stuart. I could already see the palm trees, see the sand beneath my feet- I could picture someone wearing this in real life.

My elation over this comes from the fact that it's not only that she looked good and the shots were pretty but the fact that all the hard work that goes behind getting the clothes on the model (surfing our site for decently priced clothes that still look and feel good, ordering in which some are canceled, stocking in warehouse, keeping track of stock in warehouse, borrowing items through system, keeping a record of all borrowed items, styling, ordering more items to further visualize a layout, thinking of the right text and to even think of a theme that ties all these pieces together)- it was about five weeks of backend work that finally pulled together and created these distilled, perfect sets. I could see these on ASOS, I could see these as print ads, I could see these at our store in the States, I could see these as what girls would look at and say "I wanna look like her. I wanna dress like she does." In descended both an element of fantasy and wearability at the same time.
Those four hours showed for my five weeks of work.

My colleague who laughed at my choice was astonished by my excitement over the model so she came in to look. My gut was right! My colleague's photos for a model shooting came in from Korea yesterday- the model's face was too round and she made the clothes look extremely awkward. While it's not entirely her fault (I've been there done that a year ago and it was incredibly frustrating to see all that backend work resorting in ugly photos).

I love it- I think my talents lie in one word: editing.
I've noticed that what I love to do is take things that most people say are ugly, cheap, and untrendy and make them think otherwise. It's why I loved going to thrift stores- precisely for the uncool factor (at that time) to find unique pieces that most people would never have dreamed of placing in their closets. People would say "what you found that where?" or "that was only $? It looks expensive!" It's why I love working at noisy cafes where I can filter out sound myself- libraries that already are vacuums make me irritated. It' s why I am where I am now at this job. I hate it when people just throw everything up, with no concept, no dream, no vision of the end product. I love packaging things into one pristine idea. I love making cheap things look extremely expensive. I want to show people at this company what fashion should look like and the power of imagination and passion for this industry.

First set launches next week. i'm so so so excited to show everyone the rest of my sets. Peaches, blush pink, mango yellow all blend together and tickle me silly.

It's hours like these where I think I am doing what I was made to do. Or at least am able to grasp a small slice of it.
I can't wait to see photos on Monday. I'm very apprehensive about how the web team will handle the photos (ugly pricing labels, please no!) but at least the photos turned out well.

I think the best thing about it was that even when everyone said "no that doesn't look good"- I still held my ground and stuck with what I thought looked good- and changed their minds when they saw the photos.

I can't wait to go to work on Monday!

I was carrying green and black heels today for the next modeling session in the coming month. My colleague saw them and started all her negativity again.
I will show you that Lego green and cobalt blue block heels can look amazing- i will style them with lots of stripes, retro round sunglasses and a huge floppy hat and no one will say to me again "those are hard colors to wear whereas the pink and black are ok." I will show you what it's like to think in alternatives, to think in possibilities and not what is. I will make you fall in love with cobalt blue and Lego green. All you need is a little vision and imagination.

Dissection

I've been listening to Lux Aeterna the whole day after watching the trailer for the Black Swan which just came out a few days ago (dang you Hong Kong). I am a huge fan of Darren Aronfosky's Requiem for a Dream (don't watch it because it'll make you depressed, it made me super happy as I went to bed the first time I watched it but it's not everyone's cup of tea.)

Though I haven't watched Black Swan yet there was one line in the trailer that struck a chord in me, Nina's mom asks her daughter, "What happened to my sweet girl?" to which Nina replies, "she's gone."

Sweet girl.
My mom always says that to me, "my sweet jie jie." The constant pursuit for perfection can fall into obsession and insanity- for Nina it was ballet, for me it's finding purpose in my work. You know, ever since I started my first job, I feel like a part of that 'Black Swan' coming out and it alarms me. I know it sounds somewhat lame but there is that struggle despite being saved: the thirst for power, the desire for a louder voice, the hopes for respect and the wish for greatness in the thing I am passionate about. There are times I catch myself thinking about how to get farther, how to run faster than other people at the company which either regard me as an oddity ("why are you wearing a hat?"), or with hostility due to the fact I am now doing quite a lot on the front end side of things and can walk into the CEO's office whenever he's free. I get bullied by colleagues to which I cannot stand but I hold my ground because I won't tolerate being bullied like how it was back in elementary school. Furthermore I cannot tolerate people disgracing the industry with their own ignorance and lack of desire to learn to do things the right way.

I'm styling a set inspired by the Black Swan and started listening to Lux Aeterna to get me in that sense of spiraling out of control. It sounds odd, but I now have learned that my intuition can actually be stronger than my sense of logic- that in which an artist finds reason in feeling.

---

It's wrong to be so fearful to which I know, there's a problem. On the surface I'm laughing but inside I've been crippled by lies that the enemy has been telling me and that which friends' words have loosely thrown around.
There was a point in time I thought I was not attractive. For the longest time- perhaps until a couple years ago, I always thought I was background music, the wall flower and the weird girl who thinks Wednesday from the Addam's family is stylish. Fashion became somewhat of a way to express outwardly how weird I felt inwardly. Hey if you're weird, why not go all the way? I just felt a lot of shame. Shame because though I was tall, my fingers would literally crumple if someone threw a basketball at me. Sporty girls were always thought of as cool by guys no? That's how my basketball cousin got all her boyfriends. I always sat on the sidelines with my camera in hand. Shame because girls used to laugh at my dancing and accuse me of trying to be like everyone else because I wore a spaghetti strap top instead of a baggy T-shirt once to the dance party. It got so bad to the point where I would wash my hands in a public bathroom and would not dare to look at the mirror because in my head I was thinking, "you're self centered, vain and absorbed. Only attractive girls can look into the mirror to admire themselves."

How about boys? I've always felt like a nobody in this sector- never was an 'It' girl at church (oh yes we have those sadly for the rest of us), was the one who got splashed with slush by teenage boys driving a car back when I lived in Canada (ha ha funny- I then learned to walk on the far side of the sidewalk), was the girl who had the good friend which three boys were interested in (but the one she liked was not into her) and was told she wasn't very attractive.
When girls began to dress to impress the opposite sex, clothes became a way for me to express that asexuality that I felt- a sort of art in which I could blend that desire for femininity and cliche sex appeal with a heavy dose of menswear. By obscuring club wear silhouettes with clothes that were normally associated with corporate banker or grandma, I felt like I could regain a sort of distorted beauty that I could take ownership of even though no one else may have appreciated it. My pride comes from not being like everyone else- snubbing girls who go to clubs and post Facebook pictures for their male friends to oggle at. I began to dress to impress women and not men.

Then Christmas rolled around and my socialite guy cousin came back- the one which I hated in a sense because he reminded me of the girl I was not. I went to the bar, unwillingly, with the rest of the cousins. He looks at me and ignores me- I'm in a cape, boyfriend trousers cropped to the ankle, holding a bag of my sleeping gear. Yeah, clubbing appropriate alright. That night I thought I was going with my girl cousins back to their place to chill, watch a movie and catch up. But here I was standing at a bar with my guy cousin chatting up to the ladies.

I just burst into tears and left. The way in which he looked at me and ignored me reminded me of the hurt in which has gone so long untreated. He reminds me of all the insecurity I felt growing up. It's why I always stayed away from clubs and from guys of that sort.

If one were to ask how I would describe my style in one word, it would be "conflicted"
I've noticed through this self documentation that I sway from androgyny to womanly and I can't help but think it's because I'm self consciously trying to fix a battered self esteem.

There are times when I don't know what's true anymore. Taking pride in looking different, finding modesty as a mode of religious sobriety, to be found appealing more than just inwardly but outwardly, to not be accused of being shameful or dressed like a visual roadblock for men. Heaven and hell sit on my shoulders when I look in the mirror both with a mix of disgust at the ego of the artist (yet I look at people in finance and find little difference) with a mixture of wonder at what is capable with a little imagination and God given creativity.

What a great way to start the week. Monday I was hardly sitting down at all- my retail shipments came in and I had to prep them for assessment and to give my recommendations to the CEO. My pet project items also came in- items I got to handpick from our site to promote for my new feature.
At the end of the day I gave my boss my recommendations on how many items to ship out and he says that I'm clever and that he was amazed that there were 15,000 views on a particular series of blog posts I did in collaboration with our Promotions team. For winter they initial categories to market were jackets, scarves, boots. I told them promote leopard print, faux fur, lace-up boots, capes and Nordic print.
He said I really knew my stuff and I told him it's because I actually love clothes.


The fact is that I actually do not know anything. I am just paid to find out ways to improve our company. After my little project gains stability and can run on its own, I think I have the option of leaving.
Admittedly there were times I wish it would sink in my frustration with non-fashion people but now I only want the company to be astronomically successful. And a part of me realizes that I am quite essential to the company- that price is not king and that taste cannot be bought but is part research, part natural gift and part passion.

It just feels so good to have someone praise me. Not just anyone but my boss, the CEO of our company. It makes me feel that, yeah, perhaps I am going the right way. Perhaps I am doing something right and that I should not doubt my decisions anymore.

About a month ago I had to face some past fears that left an impression on me fifteen years ago. I was literally sitting down on the floor of Central station sobbing, my cousin next to me. She said to me that she admired me that I was always true to myself, that held my ground firmly despite what everyone else thought was cool. I think while I seem so unsure of myself on the surface, I know deep down inside, what I want and have to do to achieve it. There's no better example than when I was deciding which university to go to. I was accepted to both Pratt and Parsons for Interior Design. I took so long to decide that my parents paid the down payment to defer my decision until July/August. My mom once sighed in exasperation that I couldn't even decide between vanilla and green tea ice cream in Kyoto, how could I choose a college to go to? On the surface I was telling everyone I wanted to do Interior Design but really, deep down I was very curious about the fashion industry. It's why I chose Parsons when the obvious pick would be Pratt for interior.
I think I spend a lot of energy trying to bypass people. I bypass people because I don't want any criticism of the things I really enjoy doing. I spent so much energy bypassing people that for a whole year I had three blogs. People would ask me what I am doing and I'd give excuses. People would ask me for a blog url, I'd give my sweets one. I don't want people to know about this one, nor do I want them to know about the other one. Oh, what if they thought of me as narcissistic, vain and selfish?

If I had continued doing what I was doing in 2008, who knows, I may be in a different situation right now. But I didn't- something I regret but I do not hold because God is greater.

I then realized that what I want to do in the future really depends on whether I could break free from self doubt. I recall once when I was telling someone that I wanted to do a portfolio in the style of a blog, the person told me it was impossible. What employer would care about clothes and food together? The two are disparate matters. But after a while I realized that I was the only one who saw the slow shift from typical Renaissance-style artist book portfolios to a dynamic blog style portfolio that was constantly moving, constantly adding layers into an intoxicating mix of social media, work and relational development with readers and potential employers counting the number of hits on your site. And guess what, that person now has a blog portfolio too.
I really have to stop caring about the ghosts of my past. I don't even speak to them anymore.

I still believe in my thesis project. I really believe that it will work one day and that the system I designed at 21 years old can work when I'm 30. Currently daydreaming another system into mind- oh I'd love to launch this one too. Thank you God for imagination and creativity.

Ps. After my blog post on Saturday about Peter walking on water, Sunday's sermon was on Peter walking on water. Funnay.