On Love, Infatuation, Crush and Consumption

I was in Nolita yesterday with a few friends whom I met from the summer Paris program. We were talking over iced lemon press drinks and coffee in some small crowded cafe. One is 28 and the other, in her 30's. The conversation inevitably wound up to a discussion about guys, specifically boyfriend headaches. They spoke amongst themselves the selfishness of men and their unwillingness to commit. The conversation eventually turned to me and I guess they felt it was their duty to bestow some wisdom on me being that they were my senior of at least 8 years. It first started off as a warning against fickle guys (girls are more fickle with emotions while guys are just a little more clueless in what they want exactly). They asked me how old I was, I said 20, and they agreed it was a good age to start dating.

The problem is, I know I sound like I'm making up excuses, but honestly at Parsons the choice is so severely limited, a gay guy is more likely to find someone from the available selection than me. In terms of church, I only see people once a week so it becomes really difficult to build relationships that relies on a per week basis.

Beyond the limitations, I am just afraid to open up, I guess. This requires a different kind of vulnerability- the display of availability which comes in the subtlest of forms: a smile, a touch, mirroring of gestures. This scares me more than words itself. Have you ever tried just going on the subway and smiling at someone of the opposite sex? I feel like I'm hitting on them.

And it's already happened. Perhaps in my perceived loneliness and insecurity at the time when I just returned to New York, I've fallen for someone. Correction: I've become infatuated (because how can it be love if I don't know him that well?). Unlike past crushes (I call them crushes due to the nature of not being full relationships as they are not feelings that have been reciprocated) where I was attracted to their intelligence and humour, this situation is different in which I am attracted to him purely for his looks. In confiding this to a friend who asked me,
"are you attracted to his personality?" No.
"his sense of humour?" No.
"then what?" His appearance.

As shallow as it may sound, what can I say? I'm a visually driven person. It's not that he's Brad Pitt or Kitamura Kazuki, I just think he looks interesting. That's all.

But as many crushes in the past, it's haunting me. I can't stop thinking about him: on one end, I really want to stop because it's getting really silly yet I want to. This is what I mean by a different kind of vulnerability- it's not the vulnerability as in being genuine and open to friends, but allowing someone to enter and fill your head and heart. He appeared in my dreams last night and in the morning I woke up, disappointed that it was just a concotion of the mind. Yet at times, I just want to scream- I hate how I can't just erase these thoughts from my mind. I don't want to feel the way I do. As much as I'd love to get to know him better, I'm afraid of coming on too strong, appear overwhelming and needy or just plain stupid. So I back off. They say men are afraid of rejection, well I guess we all face that very same fear.
My friend, who I confided this to, told me, "I've never seen you like this before- giddy and all about boys. You were never like this back in high school."
I've always been retrained and kept such thoughts within myself.

So what do I do?
The only thing I know how to do. Either somehow render my mind to think otherwise- that I'm not interested or befriend them well enough to make me only see them as a friend only. My friend finds that odd for she tries to befriend a guy she's interested in in order to pursue a possible relationship that is beyond friendship. I can't seem to will the courage to allow someone in in that way. I know that Henry Cloud says to not get attached to one person but it's hard to get to know everyone, so I focus on a few. I was talking to a friend once who told me that he could only like one person at a time: that was his rule. Yet for me, I see no harm in liking several people since it's not a committed relationship- you're just looking and keep your options open. And what can I say, I don't have a reason for liking this one specific person. I just do and that cannot be changed with an automatic flick of a switch. At this point in my life, I wonder why I should even bother pursuing a relationship. I want to work in HK or China. What the heck am I going to do with a boyfriend in New York.

Wow I've said a lot. I think because this is one area I find that is worth focusing on more at this stage in my life. I think by 'penning' these words, I've somehow solidifed the intangible and gives me something to look back on in terms of growth and progress. See, words don't scare me as much as subtle body language in this realm of things. I don't write in here to be judged, I write in here because these are my honesty thoughts and feelings about matters of the heart. Usually I'm not so open about this subject matter, not even to close girlfriends, but I think this was a careful and thorough examination on my part.

Ang Lee has a new film in Mandarin called 'Lust Caution'. The trailer is gorgeously put together with the most beautiful piece of music that fits the movie so well. It's languid and restrained even at the climax. In all the tension and pain that builds up to the peak of the short piece of instrumental music, it's very much held back. It fits the movie wonderfully in this espionage film of lies, masks and seduction. Just listen to it. You'll understand when you hear it:
Lust Caution

Sadly enough, this random piece of music is not available on Itunes. aeknrankeranra! Curse my taste in obscure music!
-------------------------------------------------------



So I'm trying to read more. About anything really. I came across this book and ordered it on Amazon (that is one dangerous site- it feels effortless to purchase although I do miss buying a book at the bookstore which is a totally different experience but hardcover-only books force me to purchase from marked down E-stores). As soon as I opened the book, I could not put it down. It's really one of the better reads I've gotten this year. It's a non fiction book about what the title describes: how luxury (in fashion mostly) lost its 'definition'. The author gives us a basic chapter to chapter history of certain companies and informs us how some designers got into power and how business execs dropped prices of goods by outsourcing or lowering its quality to get more profits. From small family owned companies that sold a small number of handmade products to a small number of elite, businessmen came in and transformed the company into a mass conglomerate that tailors products to pretty much anyone with a decent middle class salary.
If you think about it, is Louis Vuitton even a luxury brand if half of the American population is carring around a brown bag with the yellow monogram? What is luxury if it is accessible to all? That is the crux.

More about this grave topic later. The book is just amazing.

Searching for Intellect in a Church of Emotion

Church.

I've come to a realization that there's no perfect church for me. As Pastor Francis said, "we are not a perfect church, but we are a perfectly good church."

I don't know. I guess the more involved you get, the more dirt you find, but at the same time, the deeper your relationships become.

I'm afraid that in the future, my acts of service will be just a social utility than one used for the glorification of God. Since I am now on Welcoming Ministry, I miss a huge chunk of worship. And today, while they prayed and talked about events in the bulletin, I was making sandwiches upstairs for the congregation after the service. I was able to catch the sermon and stood outside of the door because it was too hot inside the auditorium and there were few seats left.

The most disturbing aspect that made me really uncomfortable today, was that while I was trying to listen to our pastor speak, some of the worship team members and random people were goofing off outside and probably only caught a quarter of the sermon. I mean, this is a worship team that everyone looks up to to lead us all into a time of emotional and intellectual praise to God and yet I feel like they're neglecting their intellectual side and just focusing on getting that 'high' from some good music. So how can these church leaders lead us if they focus only on one part of their spiritual lives and neglect the rest?

I don't know anymore. I used to say that I'm more of a heart person and would 'scoff' at the up-in-the air philosophical ideas yet when I find a church that really satisfies my longing for emotional worship, I'm feeling very empty in the intellectual department. Our pastor, when he speaks, gets carried away by his firey passion for God and starts rambling on about who knows what. He only makes sense in shards and fragments- and those shards and fragments may not have anything to do with the Bible passage to begin with.
And I really miss the summer BS project. I loved the ecclectic bunch of people that made delving into the Bible so interesting: engineer, linguist, illustrator, nurse, writer, fashion designer, doctor, psychologist, missionary. I love how all our talents and worldviews were used to shape the discussions. I loved what everyone brought to the table to give us all a new understanding of the Bible. And I love how we tackled the more neglected books of the Bible. It was incredibly fulfilling and I actually looked forward to these Bible studies. They met that need for a deeper spiritual nourishment which I felt I lacked at RHCBC. It wasn't a stagnant, dull and quiet time; it was a place of lively discussion, passionate talks about what we each knew and understood of the Bible and if we deviated, we deviated. But it was okay- we did it in laughter, in fun and in fellowship. It gave birth to other events like our love feast (no reefs allowed).

And now, I'm not sure where I stand. We studied a portion of Mark 2 during small groups, and I felt so discouraged because the passage was rather short and the discussion was dry.

I understand that church should not be a 'meal replacement pill' in your intellecutal spiritual hunger and that personal growth is equally important, but I feel like I haven't heard a really good sermon in a while. I realize that there are very few pastors that can speak well and I feel like the RWC pastor is not one of them. Perhaps in his own mind, his thoughts and sermon make sense, but to the audience, after going to the church long enough, you notice that you are either writing down points that are painfully obvious (yes reminders are good but when the sermon is only of reminders and does not delve into the passage any deeper, it lacks a breath of fresh air) or you're not sure how to write down the points because they're so sparse and broken that they don't make sense as a whole. On the side, I'd like to say how much I dislike the whole "quote a passage of scripture just for the sake of injecting some Biblical reference, but deviating so far away from it, at the end, the congregation is left wondering why you chose that passage in the first place."

Another problem with the pastor of our church is that he's very vague when he tells us that things like "poverty, death, mass murders are the consequences of our sin!" yet he doesn't go into specific examples. These cases then become some very up-in-the-air ideas and have no way of taking root into our lives. As someone said, the Christian has to hold the Bible in one hand, and a newspaper in the other. I feel like he has little grasp on the newspaper.

On Friday, this may sound arbitrary, but I was doing this 'colour personality survey' from a book on colours and I ended up with yellow- the colour of intellect. The surprising thing was that the description of the yellow personality described me so perfectly and that of an ENFP type: in its ideal environment that allows them to play and be themselves, yellow types are creatives and full of ideas and thoughts. They have a tendency to start new projects with a lot of excitement but quickly lose drive to finish them. However, in stifling environments, the yellow type will channel its creative energy into criticism, complaining and gossip.
It's so true. My IDC department is so stifling, all I am doing is complaining about the program and its inability to nourish our creative side (okay I have gone on the offense but it clearly failed).

I guess you can be creative in the intellect. I'm just trying to find that balance between too 'over the top' philosophy with the application and the heart. At CBC, I felt like I had to be the water that ran against the rocks and here at Remnant, the rock that holds firm in a torrent of emotions. In NY, I find myself arguing for things that I was against in Toronto. Where my intellectual/philosophical side meets with the creative, I still yet to find. All I know is that I'm more intellectual than I thought I was.

OMG!!! It's the Heroes GRAPHIC NOVEL!! AERAEREARKEA!!!!

I wanted to see what the illustrations looked like inside, so I found them on this site here.

And this!!!
HAHAHAHA. I'm so giddy right now, I can't even type properly on MSN to Rin. Save the environment! Save the World! The one thing that sucks about all this is that I had no idea they were doing a world tour during the summer- too bad I didn't watch it prior so I could attend the event. :(<

Okay a real post later. I'm just excited because season 2 starts this Monday, 9pm on NBC!!!

Songs of Interest// The Culture Crisis: Consumer Existence

My interpretation of Eden for the Casey and Eliot sharing back in July. I dislike the generic western Bible story painted portrait of Adam and Eve... so I thought, since I have so little time to paint a picture and so much to put into it, why don't I stylize it and make a blend of Japanese ramen packaging style with Art Nouveau and a bit of surrealist Escher? And why does Eden have to look 'real' anyway? Who knows what Eden looked like. Maybe God grew lollipop trees and cotton candy clouds- we don't know that. If you saw it in person, I incorporated a unicorn in there. :P It was wiped out after the flood. hahaha...

Songs of Interest

Do you remember this old school song?:Time After Time
Quiet Drive did another rendition of this and it's so awesome. I love it. It's one of those songs that I'd blast in the car, driving down the highway. Back in Toronto that is. :P However it's got this long intro so go into exactly one minute of the video to hear the actual song. :D It's so good.

Another song I just recently was introduced: 'Let Love In' by the Goo Goo Dolls. Such a good song. The video itself pathetically tries to heighten global issues awareness by splashing words across the screen. Otherwise, it's a great great song and I'm in the process of killing it. 61 times and going up.... :P

Robyn will like this one, but I recently just heard Starfield'sShipwreck. Amazing song. I love the piano and the lyrics are so beautiful.

...
I spent my time
On the empty and the fleeting
I spent my life
On much less than I'd dreamed
But I'm reaching out to you
To make me new

'Cause I am just a beggar here at Your door
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore
I come empty handed
Ready to see
Your life in me changing who I've been
To who I need to be

I highly recommend all those three songs.
---------------------------------------------------

I just have to say this....
SECOND SEASON OF HEROES IS THIS COMING MONDAY!!!
Go Peter Petrelli and Hiro!
---------------------------------------------------

The Culture Crisis: Consumer Existence

What is culture?

I hate that word- we talk about it constantly in class and it's killing me. There are the more obvious ones based on ethnicity: Spanish, Japanese, French, Italian, Chinese, Cuban etc. But what I'd like to get at is when it comes to subcultures, what defines each subculture? We have skateboard culture, hip hop culture, sneakerhead culture, anime culture, yoga culture, comp geek culture, gaming culture...
The questions that I am struggling with are:

1) Is it possible to even place people in a specific culture anymore?

2) Is it possible to buy yourself into a culture?


I was standing at the customs area in the airport coming back to NY. On my left was a short line of Canadians and on my right was a long line of Americans. Since I thought Americans could get through faster, I wrote myself as an American on my customs card. Big mistake. I contemplated swapping over to the canadian side but alas, the officer stopped me.
For the first question, I'd like to say that, no, we can no longer place people in certain cultures. So how do you define those who live and breathe the hip hop culture as opposed to anime culture? Is it not possible to have a person who embodies both? There is constantly a cross-pollinization of sub cultures: a person who you thought to be a geek is actually a charismatic drama queen.
I guess we have a desire to maintain a sense of mystery and unpredictability in our personalities. Who likes to be easily labeled as one thing? No, we each have character and depth that is beyond the ability of a stranger to pinpoint.


2) As for the second question, at first glance, we'd all like to say "no of course not, it takes time and work to integrate yourself into a subculture. It can't be bought."

But if we think about, let's say, Mac culture (versus PC culture), are not the things you buy the things that define you as a Mac user? Are there not people who spend thousands of dollars on Ibooks, Itunes, Ipods, Iphones. They're not just buying into functionality, they're buying into a certain aesthetic and way of life defined by the advertisements and the other consumers?

One of my classmates studied sneakerhead culture- urban, young hipsters who purchase and collect sneakers. Now in this case, are you part of the sneakerhead culture if you collect shoes? Is there anything else, beyond consumerism, that defines you as a 'sneakerhead'?

Even kids who like to call themselves a part of the hip hop culture. Baggy jeans, oversized t shirts from Ecko, 'bling' and listen to 'hip hop music'. It's all part of a persona that we show others to identify with a certain subculture.

On a more personal level, back when I was visiting my favourite vintage store near Guelph, the owner was looking at me and asked me, "are you one of the types that likes to buy clothing not to wear, but just to collect?"
I guiltily said yes- I love collecting clothes that are beyond necessity and if I don't end up designing, I'd love to own a vintage store just like hers and collect and sell beautiful garments.
I love a well made garment- the construction is incredible. Even more so, I love looking at garments of the past that were entirely hand made from every stitch to every shard of lace to the fragment of unraveling ribbon sewn onto the edges. That piece of clothing has survived time despite its fragility. They speak so much of the person who created them- every stitch there's a story. Why did they decide to construct it like this as opposed to this way?
During the summer I was in Value Village I was closing my eyes and running my hands through the crammed racks of dresses. Our fashion teachers like to say that you should train not only your eyes to see what is good, but our hands to identify quality when it feels it.
Well my fingers felt something different on one particular garment: the fabric was startlingly sheer, soft but with a good body. I pulled it out- it was definitely homemade- an iridescent emerald green dress with long sleeves that had invisible zippers with ruching, and an intricate belt that had to be done up with many hooks.
I took it to my sewing teacher to get it analyzed. It was a work of art. The sleeves were hand done- slip stitched so you couldn't even see the thread unless you took it apart. It was cut on a bias which costs more and the fabric was a European silk.
She asked me if I would mind telling her how much it cost.
$12.
I can't wear it- it's too small for me, but I love it because it has a history behind it. In a world that cares for mass production, cheap labour and impersonal products just heightens the beauty of these finds.

But purchasing clothes for no reason despite my 'identity' in the fashion subculture, has created this question: can we ever be more than just consumers of culture? Do I only exist in the culture of fashion because of what I wear? Because of what I buy?

The sad truth to all this is that we have just become consumers of our world and not makers. As a result, nothing in this world changes because all we know how to do, is consume.

Our teachers love to tell us that us designers have the power to change the world. That we can save this world from its self destructive ways. Yet I go to a school of girls (and gay guys who act like girls), who purchase expensive luxury goods in order to identify themselves with the label. They don't make, they make when they have to and when it's graded.

But what are 'makers' anyway? And how do we 'make' things that are good- and does that mean everyone has to consume in order for us to be good makers?

Thus lies the dilemma that has been bothering me the past day. Anthropologically speaking, objects are clear testaments of both the way we live and our values, yet can we define ourselves within any culture that has little to do with consumption, but of creating? This is not limited to just art and design, per se, but into the realm of philosophy, literature, engineering and medicine.

The question is, how can you transcend from just mere consumption to creating, rethinking and reshaping this world?

Awakening Girlish Tendencies

In my effort to appear like something more, I have always hid and suppressed my feelings for the opposite sex. It seemed like something shameful, silly and stupid. "gigglegiggle thatboyiscute gigglegiggle" It somewhat disgusts me. Says me: I'm better than that- my feelings are not so- naive. They're cultured, well thought out and mature.

But I cannot deny it. Sometimes all I want to talk to about with a close girlfriend is about him. I love that feeling of being wistful and thinking of the 'what ifs'. It's like the silliest things in life become the cornerstones of some of the deepest, more intimate talks I can ever discuss with someone: boys and fashion. Both intriguing and ever changing yet I keep them locked inside of me to avoid disappointment. So long as no one knows who he is, if he finds a girlfriend before I get to him, at least the only one who will be disappointed is me and shame or the disappointment of an 'other' is non existent.

Besides, if I am a woman of Christ, should I even be actively pursuing a relationship that is beyond mere friendship? Should I not be first seeking God, and then a relationship?

Yes. I've realized in all this, being pro active is the way to go.
I've changed a lot. Changed a lot for the better.
Today I got to test out the 'Art of Seduction' theory. It was pretty successful I must say although my greatest fault is my impatience.

It was also my first day in the welcoming committee. I also joined for the after-church welcoming picnic. I was overwhelmed by the number of people I had to remember. It was not just matching faces to names, but remembering their school/work, what they study/do etc. By the end of it, I was exhausted and glazed over as I sat on the train returning from Central Park.
However, I've noticed my eagerness to get to know other people especially new people and be able to connect them with others. I think that stems from my own experiences at church as a newbie and wanting to find some connections.

So far, so good.

Work of Audrey Kawasaki

I was thinking more of the book I read on seduction while I was standing around waiting for my friend to get groceries and this occured to me,

Confidence is not the assurance and reliance in the abilities of the self nor the satisfaction of placing higher value of the self over others, but that of forgetting the self and looking into the lives of others.

That's the confidence I want. I want to be able to think beyond myself and perceive the needs of others. But it's difficult because we are all growing up in a culture that tells you to be self scrutinizing and brutally critical of the smallest flaws. This may sound smug, but in all honesty, I'm quite happy with the body I was given. It's not fit for the runway or 'perfect' in terms of societal, heroine addict definitions, but it's good.

I was bored the other day, at my intern job, so I started reading this article in the British Vogue, "What's Sexy Now?" and I quote from the following excerpt written by a male:

Ask most men what is sexy about women, and talk will turn quickly to the carnal. Before anything else, before wit and intelligence, style and substance, before bravery and warmth and generosity and sensitivity and taste, even before rock'n'roll, men will talk about bodies: about flesh, curves breasts and thights and bottoms, full lips, legs that go up to here, hips that sway this way and that. We like bulges and crevices... Ask men what's sexy about what women wear, and the results are- usually, not always- equally predictable. Most men like clothes that enhance sex appeal in what women often think are disappointingly obvious... Men like words like "pert" and "pneumatic" and "available"...
Women think of glamour as having indefinable qualities: poise, sophistication, elegance, chic...
Have you ever noticed how women's greatest style icons, from Audrey Hepburn to Sofia coppola, improbably elfin, kicky little things- are not generally lusted after by men, while women who seem barely able to dress themslves, from Marilyn Monroe to Scarlett Johansson, are slavered over, fantasized about, pedestalled?

True true- all sad and despairing, but true. It's one of those things in which I will never be interested in doing- being sexy in the obvious definitions of the male diction.

It's not that I don't want to, despite what girls like to say about how they despise it when guys check them out, they're all secretly pleased that men are finding them attractive. In the end, it all comes down to vanity- perhaps not for the sake of pleasure of male viewing, but for validating their own selves through their physical image. Anyway, it's not because I'm ashamed of my body, it's just not an aesthetic that I'm really interested in. I once had to go to a friend's birthday party which was held at a club and I was told that I looked 'prim and proper'.

It's just one of those funny things about life. Many ignorant people who regard the world as black and white, perceive the fashion industry to impose their standards of beauty upon the masses. However the fashion industry has always thrived on the ugly and the awkward. People just follow. So who really does dress to impress? The one who stands in an outfit that looks more editorial than trendy, or the girl who dresses like everyone else?

I don't have anything to prove to anyone. Some girls do it to show others what ample cleavage they have, and others to somehow fit in

Hmm I recall having more of a point than this.. somehow reflecting confidence back into this magazine article but my brains are scrambled and after meandering about really random things, I can't recall why I blogged about this in the first place. hehe. In the end, I just dislike being boxed in and labeled a certain way of dress.

The Process of Becoming Me

My new love is hanging out by myself at Barnes and Nobles and Tisserie.

See, I'm an extrovert at heart, yet I'm a really shy person. Often people equate 'extrovert' to 'outgoing' when in fact this is wrong because I love being around people, I just am not a naturally loud person. However, in order to reach out to as many people as possible, I often have to project a larger than life image of myself than I am naturally. I have to laugh louder, talk more and in all, try harder; it's not a mask, but it's almost a more saturated version of myself to connect with more people. So it really is exhausting for me to be social. At times, I much prefer sitting down with one friend and talking about more heartfelt issues.

Anyway, so I love going to the bookstore and taking as many books as possible, lugging them upstairs to the Starbucks cafe and sitting there for hours reading. I read one novel of 91 pages. I've also started an interesting book: The Art of Seduction.

Okay before anyone starts the jaw dropping and condemning, this book has some truth in it. It essentially is a book with many Machiavellian undertones on how to 'lure' victims into becoming attracted to you by making it appear that they are under control. Yes it sounds manipulative but I thought it was pretty good. Essentially the author puts all the techniques of flirting and people's wonders on how to get a certain person to like them in the bluntest of terms and techniques.

It's a really thick book: the first half being the nine different types of seducers including ones that I definitely am not such as the Sex Siren, the Rake... and then there are the Coquettes who switch from being warm and cold and leaving people guessing. And then there are the Naturalists who bring out the child out of others and the Lavishers who ask for constant attention and need for parental nourishment and the Floating Gender types and the Mythical Goddess archetypes that project an image of the ideal. And at the end of each description is the reversal effect if things go wrong or the seducer plays up his or her part to an extreme (eg. Coquettes leaving people guessing about being warm and friendly and then suddenly cool, will frustrate them and they will eventually move on).

The second half of the book is a step by step on how to lure people into getting to notice you and develop a relationship and gives historical examples from both the romantic and political (JFK, Cleopatra, Napolean and Empress Josephine, Salome with Nietszche, Socrates, Andy Warhol, Marilyn Monroe, Marlene Dietreich, Empress Dowager, Genji, Don Juan, Josephine Baker etc). It all begins with haunting the person's periphery to let them know you exist without pushing it too far. And then so on so forth goes on developing a friendship, projecting an ideal self etc.

I know most of you look disgusted right now, but I think some of these things we do sub consciously. For example, I haunt the periphery of people I'm interested in however I get stuck at that stage and can't seem to go forward from there. I realized, in reading this book, that all it comes down to is confidence. Straight and simple as that. You can deceive a lot of people just by looking them in the eye and smiling. There was also an interesting chapter about 'anti seducers'- those who embody characteristics that are not appealing to others such as blubberers: those who seem so conscious of you talking to them but in fact are just self conscious and insecure. I can't phrase it correctly but it was something I realized that was wrong in myself and needs improving upon.

Looking at myself, I'm not any particular type of seducer. Because of what the Church says, I have no idea how to flirt thus I just.. don't do anything. Lol. If anything, my strongest point is really random: as the book says, is to pay attention to details and 'put on a performance' in terms of the senses. Because I'm in fashion, design and art, it's kind of automatic for me to cover those bases- and not for men, but for myself because it's fun.
Personally I think we cannot discredit books likes these because of a title or that it's not sold in Mitchells. I read the book, knowing that it may go against some of my values, but understand that there is some truth in it.

If that doesn't convince you, don't worry, I'm not going to do something rash and become some female Don Juan. I was conversing with a friend, and we realized what we needed was the exact opposite of each other: I need/want a boyfriend to take me to another learning relational horizon and more friends while she needs to learn to have a tighter circle of friends rather than spreading herself out too thinly.

But I'm getting better. I have to rejoice because my roomie said her best friend mentioned that I have become more friendly and open compared to first and second year. And then my other friend asked me yesterday if I considered myself shy or outgoing. When I replied 'shy', she said "yeah because I've noticed that you've become a lot more approachable, friendly and open."

Sweet, I'm making progress. This is a verbal/physical marker that I am becoming less self conscious, insecure and uptight; more confident and willing to give more of myself. I'm slowly becoming the person I was created to be.

Following the Patterns of this World

This is the model I dressed. Her name is Siri and she's really sweet.

I haven't posted in a bit. Life is going by fast. Every day seems to go slow but this weekend was one whirlwind.
First of all, I got a new point and shoot camera. Not an SLR but a small Canon powershot. My mini Pentax is slowly dying on me. It was a good four year relationship. Time for an upgrade. :P

Saturday morning, I woke at 8am to help out at Fashion Week. At 9am, all of us volunteers had to haul the chairs around and arrange them around the rooms in the National Arts Club which is essentially this dark wood paneled house with stained glass ceilings. In a nutshell I helped out stuffing goody bags which was basically a box of trend colours in the form of threads and pamphlets from Cotton Inc. It wasnt anything exciting but the packaging was gorgeous- I got to keep one at the end. :P Anyway, I was there to be a dresser. A dresser literally means to dress the models since their outfit changes have to be done in a matter of 30 seconds. I got a really sweet model. Her name is Siri and I got to talk to her for a bit since the show was an hour delayed due to press and tv cameras. She's Norwegian and she came out to do modelling straight out of high school. She's 19. She'll be flying to Milan, Paris and London for the following fashion shows.
Anyway, I felt like I was crawling in a forest of legs- all the models on top of their natural height, had four inch heels on which us poor dressers had to button for them which was hellish.
Overall, it was a lot better than last year's show I had to do for some other woman. All the big guns were there: Vogue, Womens Wear Daily, Teen Vogue, Harpers Bazaar, Bloomingdales, Neiman Marcus, Holt Renfrew, French Vogue, In Style etc.
I started talking to other volunteers who also go to Parsons and they were all really nice. Plus I got a picture with Lisa Cant, a famous model who hails from Alberta, Canada.
I stayed there from 9am-2pm.

After that, I went home and 4:30, went to Central Park with a few friends for a cupcake picnic. HAHAHa. We obviously live in the denial of the harsh realities of living in New York. And after that, I went and crashed at my friend's place down in the Financial Distract which was very nice. Best sleep of my life. I was so exhausted from the fashion show.

And then on Sunday, I had to wake up even earlier, at 7am, to help out on Hands Crew (worship team set up). Yet while I was there attempting to help, I could hear myself whispering about what an inadequate job I was doing because essentially I am not really doing anything, nor do I look like a person who would be hauling around boxes of XLRs and quarter inches. All my insecurities surfaced then: gender stereotypes and what others thought of me. I don't know, I know most people on the Hands crew are guys and any girls who are helping are usually wearing denim. But with the sweltering heat, I much prefer wearing dresses yet I feel very stupid lugging boxes in one.
But God is good. I saw Cheryl, one of the worship team leaders I worked with, for the first time since I left NY for the summer holidays, and she introduced me to the Welcoming Committee head. The Welcoming Committee, in a nutshell, writes down people's names on those sticky tags when they first come in and hand out bulletins like ushers. I think I'll be more suited to this job since I can actually meet people and try and remember their names while I pen them down in red marker.

And as for today, on my day off, I officially started my internship at Edun. I'm working under the menswear designer of Edun. He's pretty chill and an interesting character. The job itself? It was kinda slow... I just ran two errands which required me to get paint chip colours in these dusty, moody hues that Robyn would love and running to Pearl Paint to buy two portfolios. Then after that, I ended up sitting in the office cutting and trimming to scale, images that he wanted to use for the upcoming spring collection. Though it was nothing exciting, I hope that in the future, I'll be able to do more. I just have to get over the nitty gritty portion of the job first. I'm just interested in getting to know the production process of a socially conscious industry.

The reason I recorded all my activities this past weekend was because of a particular question that has been plaguing my mind lately: what does it mean to not follow/conform to the patterns of this world?
During one of our bible studies back in the summer, we studied this chapter and I wanted to ask, but for one reason or another, held back because I didn't want to ask something that may seem so obvious.
When I speak to Christians, they seem so sure about what the verse means. Don't drink. Don't do drugs. Don't swear. Don't kill people.
Yet as a budding designer in an industry that has trend forecasters, fads and 'It' items, how does this verse apply to my situation? They seem like such a contradiction. Although I love innovation, I'm interested in trends as well. I like knowing what's popular in the States, in the Eastern countries and also in Canada. But what was Paul refering to when he was speaking about 'patterns'?
I purchased a book on Amazon called 'Deluxe: How Luxury Lost its Luster'. It's basically unearths a lot of things we don't know about the fashion business and how they keep us salivating for more by upping the marketing and lowering the cost of production by outsourcing to China. It's going to be an interesting read.

On a side note, my gut feeling tells me that the 20's flapper style will be coming back in. It's a total intuitive thing but since I'm starting to respond to the style, I think it's gonna be a trend in about a year. Let's see if I'm right. :P

When You Believe// Towers of Babel

My roommate put this song on, bleary-eyed as we got ready to go to school this morning. Here's the Prince of Egypt 'When You Believe' Original Movie Version
And of course there's the Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey version. Although I dislike Mariah Carey's newer stuff, she has some serious talent. Singing live to an audience and singing it well is one of those rather rare talents in the midst of computer refined voices.

And just for kicks...in Japanese!

Many nights we prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hope for a song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know theres much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could, whoa, yes

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe

I cried when I heard this song today.
I'm at that point in my life again where I can get overly emotional about things: I'm still at the fragile stage where I'm trying to readjust back to life here. I find myself really enjoying sappy, romantic music and things and wanting a boyfriend (to which I try to get ahold of myself and shake myself back into reality). As much as I dislike this whole uprooting and replanting process, it forces me to rely on something greater than myself for I recognize the fact that I really cannot do anything on my own.
If I settled in Toronto, I don't think I'd be happy. During the summer holidays, though I was happy, something inside of me wanted to stir up some pain and feeling.

The funny thing about life is that while most of us go searching for a life of happiness, when we obtain what the world defines as 'success', we subconsciously go searching for pain and sadness to make us feel human again. When we plateau on the pleasure of success, boredom ensues, and the desire to feel something other than happiness, sets some off on the path to disaster.
Take a few key 'culture' (I hate to define these people as markers of our culture because I think our culture is more than this but for the sake of using this word, I will) characters in society, such as Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton or Winona Ryder, their lives have always been quite ideal. But they're bored hence the shoplifting, drugs and constant drinking. They want to feel something other than what they've been feeling all their lives.

I see that in myself. You wonder why the artists and writers are always portrayed dressed in all black, delirious and extremely emo. It's because when we feel, is when we best express ourselves and ironically enough, riding on the pinnacles of sadness or sheer joy, is when the best work surfaces.

When I'm happy for too long, I find ways to search for ills in my life. It may sound like utter madness but prolonged happiness does not, ironically, make me happy. It makes my life feel mundane and boring. Pain and sadness becomes our search for happiness for happiness in the entity as we knew it, was not enough.

The clearest points of happiness in my life have always been accompanied by dark and painful times. Like I wrote in the past, some of the most beautiful pieces of art have a focal point of dazzling white with a spot of velvet darkness next to it to allow the purity of the white to shine.
Smaller examples include my gr12 English class in which I became so obsessed with proving to my teacher and peers that I was more than adequate in something. And I received a 57% on this personal essay which completely devastated me. Though, in the end, I wasn't exactly happy with my 80 something grade, I'm very proud of my writing and presenting skills. I've gained a lot of confidence in my English because my ego and pride first got a beating. When people in UHS ask me for recommendations on English teachers, I'd honestly name the two hardest teachers I got because those tears were worth what I got out of it.

A more recent example was my philosophy class last year. I don't consider myself very philosophical, I just write about my life and how I perceive it as I experience it.
It was hard. Not because I'm not a reader of philosophical texts, but having to understand the intricacies of a thought and having to write about it without stating my own opinion was difficult. It was hard for me to really delve into the text over and over again and really try to understand the philosopher's arguments and train of thought and have to rearrange his ideas into one cohesive linear path. But even more difficult was when I faced a rather unexpected friendship issue within this class, which I personally found very emotionally straining and hard to overcome. It's sad when friends betray you and break your trust.
But in the end, God knows all that we need, and will satisfy it no matter how murky the future may appear to us.

I think one of the larger things in life that I have somewhat overcome, was my spirit of passivity. I went into my summer holidays determined to become closer with established relationships and create new ones, and I'm very much satisfied in what has become of them.
That pain and unhappiness that I've felt for the past few years, I now know and understand the answer to that question I asked a year ago. I know how to get out of that rut of loneliness and isolation.


Towers of Babel

The single form of a language was made to unite people. The creation of multiple languages was made to divide people.
I realized, in my search for some solid friendships, that there are people who intentionally and unintentionally set out to hurt you despite your good intentions.

This summer I encountered two individuals within the church who really hurt me emotionally. I guess I say this in slight bitterness, but thanks to them I feel like a lesser person at times and when times of uncertainty come, their words come back to haunt me. Verbal abuse is cunning like that, when it first comes to you, you brush it off as a mean joke, but emboldens the person to say more when the opportunities are presented. And before you know it, you have to stop something that you initially thought was something small.
From a very young age, I have been made fun of and those hurtful comments which came from the very lips of those who I called my 'best friends' have been engrained into my brain. At the age of 13, I remember one guy who would turn every comment I made into an insult that was hurled back at me. And then there is my brother and those two other people this summer. I have my reasons for thinking males mature a lot slower than females, precisely because they can't seem to hold their tongues.

When I set out determined to learn a language this summer, I didn't expect it to drive me away from two people I was trying to get to know. In the end, I decided the only way for me to be free of their condescending thoughts, was to just cut ties from them; remain polite but keep my distance.

The funny thing in all this is that courage, bravery and humility are always laughed at. My desire is to learn my mothertongue which I lost many years ago. So I try. I no longer hang out at Markville or Hillcrest Mall or Eatons, you'll see me at FMP or P Mall twice a week wandering around by myself threading in and out of stores. When the sales clerk address me in English (they have this weird intuition and somehow know I don't speak Canto), I reply in what Canto I know.
Once I was hanging out with a few friends, one laughed at my Cantonese and mimicked whatever 'accent' I have, yet when I challenged her to speak in Canto, she declined.

I don't understand, those who know more Canto than I, never speak it for fear of failing. Yet my Canto is not that great, yet I try, and get made fun of by those very people who were first afraid of speaking it. Then again, one of those friends who so irked me during the summer, speaks more or less perfect Canto and loves to speak it in front of both Chinese and non Chinese people (which I find extremely rude because nothing is more isolating when you can't understand what others are talking about due to the language barrier).

So you tell me which is of the nobler pursuits, the one who tries or the one who doesn't? The one who uses a skill to step on others or one who humbles himself to learn something new?

It's easy to pick and say, but it's a lot harder to do.

Heroes

YAY! Matt found me the site with the entire Heroes series! WATCH WATCH WATCH! :D Unfortunately it has Chinese subtitles so I'm not sure what will happen when Hiro starts speaking Jap... hopefully they're in English. :P Ah well, it's a great series. I'm usually not a big fan of tv series but this one is really good.

A Cup of Milk and a Chocolate Croissant// Heroes// Facebook

One of the pictures from the last photoshoot- it's not my favourite but it's not bad. The dress I made this summer but have nowhere to wear it to.

I don't know what to think about life.
I've been doing a lot of thinking- sitting on the couch and gazing across the twinkling Manhattan skyline from my friend's place, having a chocolate croissant and a cup of milk at the patisserie alone.
I didn't want to go to church yesterday and have to acknowledge the fact that I'd have to journey there on my own. But God has His funny ways of perking us up when we're down. The sun was shining brightly as I got out of the apartment at 9:45- beautiful day with a cool breeze. There was a lunch party to welcome all new and returning college students. As I sat there with my pizza, I felt a light tap on my shoulder and turned to face a girl who exclaimed, "are you Robyn's cousin? I went to the same high school as her and she told me you also went to Parsons and to Remnant Westside."
It was odd. Here was a girl who came from Toronto, went to UHS, knows my cousin and is now at the same church as me: plus she lives three blocks away from me. Funny, God, very funny.
I said hello to many faces that I haven't seen since May. It's an odd feeling- a mixture of happiness to see them yet an underlying sadness knowing that the past is gone and that all you can do is go forward. But there still is a lot of work to be done with these young friendships. I hope they strengthen with time and care- like some of those I left behind in Canada.


Ah, I spent the last few days camped out at my friend's NYU dorm penthouse down in the Financial District which has a stunning view of all of New York City and the two bridges, and watched the entire series of Heroes. If you have time, watch it: it's an interesting mix of drama and anime/art. It's amazing- I'm very much awed by the screenwriter who created such a complex story that involved supernatural beings but still kept them grounded in very relatable problems.
Now the question lies here: why aren't there any straight, good looking men like Isaac Mendez, the artist who can paint the future, at Parsons???

Following conversation between Alex and I on the characters in Heroes:

§åM says: Peter Petrelli and Isaac Mendez are so hot
-emptyjarofclay - says: wth?
- emptyjarofclay - says: how is peter petrelli hot?!
- emptyjarofclay - says: omg....women....
§åM says: well I don;t see how Eva Green is hot
§åM says: men!

Peter Petrelli may not be the best looking guy around, but in one particular episode where he gets angry and tries to defend another character, the 'hotness level' went up. :P I think guys with hearts who have actual goals in mind and are driven, are pretty attractive. There are too many wistless, confused guys out there who have no idea what they want to do with their lives.
I want to be Hiro's friend. He's the cutest Japanese guy and has a heart like Samwise Gamgee.

Though I can't fly, spontaneously regenerate myself, paint the future, or become invisible as I please, I wonder what 'great things' are in store for me. Right now, I don't see much and yet I'm scared to get it wrong.
When my mom and I were in Elora at the vintage store I am most fond of, she was talking to the owner about how when I told my parents I was going to study fashion, they were a little lost. For if I needed help, they couldn't offer it to me because their specialties lay in the realms of computer science, math, physics and engineering. But now she sees that I'm happy in what I do, and that it's also a learning process for both my parents and I.

Second season is about to start: Sept 24. :D

When I first got Facebook, I was afraid I'd get addicted to it like many others who claim that it is the ultimate procrasination tool. Personally I think it's a little boring, after you look at notifications and perhaps check a few pages or two, I get off or leave it on but dabble in other things. I don't know, but I dislike it when people feel the need to put down every detail, feeling and thought from their lives into Facebook.
Take the 'status' option for example. People feel the need to write down every single emotion on their status, "Jill is feeling down about him" or "Ben is tired" or "Kenny is doing hw" Personally I think it's overexposure, and a detail that not everyone really needs to know.

It's also the reason why my blog isn't on my facebook account, not because I think it's a privilege or anything of the sort, but I think it's just an overload of narcissism fed by insecurity and a desire to be known by others in a very passive way. The new applications that you can download on Facebook are kind of stupid, top friend list, horoscopes, food fights, are all kind of lame and on some people's pages are endless lists of what virtual food got thrown at them.

Anyway, that was kind of random but yeah.