On Love, Infatuation, Crush and Consumption
I was in Nolita yesterday with a few friends whom I met from the summer Paris program. We were talking over iced lemon press drinks and coffee in some small crowded cafe. One is 28 and the other, in her 30's. The conversation inevitably wound up to a discussion about guys, specifically boyfriend headaches. They spoke amongst themselves the selfishness of men and their unwillingness to commit. The conversation eventually turned to me and I guess they felt it was their duty to bestow some wisdom on me being that they were my senior of at least 8 years. It first started off as a warning against fickle guys (girls are more fickle with emotions while guys are just a little more clueless in what they want exactly). They asked me how old I was, I said 20, and they agreed it was a good age to start dating.
The problem is, I know I sound like I'm making up excuses, but honestly at Parsons the choice is so severely limited, a gay guy is more likely to find someone from the available selection than me. In terms of church, I only see people once a week so it becomes really difficult to build relationships that relies on a per week basis.
Beyond the limitations, I am just afraid to open up, I guess. This requires a different kind of vulnerability- the display of availability which comes in the subtlest of forms: a smile, a touch, mirroring of gestures. This scares me more than words itself. Have you ever tried just going on the subway and smiling at someone of the opposite sex? I feel like I'm hitting on them.
And it's already happened. Perhaps in my perceived loneliness and insecurity at the time when I just returned to New York, I've fallen for someone. Correction: I've become infatuated (because how can it be love if I don't know him that well?). Unlike past crushes (I call them crushes due to the nature of not being full relationships as they are not feelings that have been reciprocated) where I was attracted to their intelligence and humour, this situation is different in which I am attracted to him purely for his looks. In confiding this to a friend who asked me,
"are you attracted to his personality?" No.
"his sense of humour?" No.
"then what?" His appearance.
As shallow as it may sound, what can I say? I'm a visually driven person. It's not that he's Brad Pitt or Kitamura Kazuki, I just think he looks interesting. That's all.
But as many crushes in the past, it's haunting me. I can't stop thinking about him: on one end, I really want to stop because it's getting really silly yet I want to. This is what I mean by a different kind of vulnerability- it's not the vulnerability as in being genuine and open to friends, but allowing someone to enter and fill your head and heart. He appeared in my dreams last night and in the morning I woke up, disappointed that it was just a concotion of the mind. Yet at times, I just want to scream- I hate how I can't just erase these thoughts from my mind. I don't want to feel the way I do. As much as I'd love to get to know him better, I'm afraid of coming on too strong, appear overwhelming and needy or just plain stupid. So I back off. They say men are afraid of rejection, well I guess we all face that very same fear.
My friend, who I confided this to, told me, "I've never seen you like this before- giddy and all about boys. You were never like this back in high school."
I've always been retrained and kept such thoughts within myself.
So what do I do?
The only thing I know how to do. Either somehow render my mind to think otherwise- that I'm not interested or befriend them well enough to make me only see them as a friend only. My friend finds that odd for she tries to befriend a guy she's interested in in order to pursue a possible relationship that is beyond friendship. I can't seem to will the courage to allow someone in in that way. I know that Henry Cloud says to not get attached to one person but it's hard to get to know everyone, so I focus on a few. I was talking to a friend once who told me that he could only like one person at a time: that was his rule. Yet for me, I see no harm in liking several people since it's not a committed relationship- you're just looking and keep your options open. And what can I say, I don't have a reason for liking this one specific person. I just do and that cannot be changed with an automatic flick of a switch. At this point in my life, I wonder why I should even bother pursuing a relationship. I want to work in HK or China. What the heck am I going to do with a boyfriend in New York.
Wow I've said a lot. I think because this is one area I find that is worth focusing on more at this stage in my life. I think by 'penning' these words, I've somehow solidifed the intangible and gives me something to look back on in terms of growth and progress. See, words don't scare me as much as subtle body language in this realm of things. I don't write in here to be judged, I write in here because these are my honesty thoughts and feelings about matters of the heart. Usually I'm not so open about this subject matter, not even to close girlfriends, but I think this was a careful and thorough examination on my part.
Ang Lee has a new film in Mandarin called 'Lust Caution'. The trailer is gorgeously put together with the most beautiful piece of music that fits the movie so well. It's languid and restrained even at the climax. In all the tension and pain that builds up to the peak of the short piece of instrumental music, it's very much held back. It fits the movie wonderfully in this espionage film of lies, masks and seduction. Just listen to it. You'll understand when you hear it:
Lust Caution
Sadly enough, this random piece of music is not available on Itunes. aeknrankeranra! Curse my taste in obscure music!
-------------------------------------------------------
So I'm trying to read more. About anything really. I came across this book and ordered it on Amazon (that is one dangerous site- it feels effortless to purchase although I do miss buying a book at the bookstore which is a totally different experience but hardcover-only books force me to purchase from marked down E-stores). As soon as I opened the book, I could not put it down. It's really one of the better reads I've gotten this year. It's a non fiction book about what the title describes: how luxury (in fashion mostly) lost its 'definition'. The author gives us a basic chapter to chapter history of certain companies and informs us how some designers got into power and how business execs dropped prices of goods by outsourcing or lowering its quality to get more profits. From small family owned companies that sold a small number of handmade products to a small number of elite, businessmen came in and transformed the company into a mass conglomerate that tailors products to pretty much anyone with a decent middle class salary.
If you think about it, is Louis Vuitton even a luxury brand if half of the American population is carring around a brown bag with the yellow monogram? What is luxury if it is accessible to all? That is the crux.
More about this grave topic later. The book is just amazing.
The problem is, I know I sound like I'm making up excuses, but honestly at Parsons the choice is so severely limited, a gay guy is more likely to find someone from the available selection than me. In terms of church, I only see people once a week so it becomes really difficult to build relationships that relies on a per week basis.
Beyond the limitations, I am just afraid to open up, I guess. This requires a different kind of vulnerability- the display of availability which comes in the subtlest of forms: a smile, a touch, mirroring of gestures. This scares me more than words itself. Have you ever tried just going on the subway and smiling at someone of the opposite sex? I feel like I'm hitting on them.
And it's already happened. Perhaps in my perceived loneliness and insecurity at the time when I just returned to New York, I've fallen for someone. Correction: I've become infatuated (because how can it be love if I don't know him that well?). Unlike past crushes (I call them crushes due to the nature of not being full relationships as they are not feelings that have been reciprocated) where I was attracted to their intelligence and humour, this situation is different in which I am attracted to him purely for his looks. In confiding this to a friend who asked me,
"are you attracted to his personality?" No.
"his sense of humour?" No.
"then what?" His appearance.
As shallow as it may sound, what can I say? I'm a visually driven person. It's not that he's Brad Pitt or Kitamura Kazuki, I just think he looks interesting. That's all.
But as many crushes in the past, it's haunting me. I can't stop thinking about him: on one end, I really want to stop because it's getting really silly yet I want to. This is what I mean by a different kind of vulnerability- it's not the vulnerability as in being genuine and open to friends, but allowing someone to enter and fill your head and heart. He appeared in my dreams last night and in the morning I woke up, disappointed that it was just a concotion of the mind. Yet at times, I just want to scream- I hate how I can't just erase these thoughts from my mind. I don't want to feel the way I do. As much as I'd love to get to know him better, I'm afraid of coming on too strong, appear overwhelming and needy or just plain stupid. So I back off. They say men are afraid of rejection, well I guess we all face that very same fear.
My friend, who I confided this to, told me, "I've never seen you like this before- giddy and all about boys. You were never like this back in high school."
I've always been retrained and kept such thoughts within myself.
So what do I do?
The only thing I know how to do. Either somehow render my mind to think otherwise- that I'm not interested or befriend them well enough to make me only see them as a friend only. My friend finds that odd for she tries to befriend a guy she's interested in in order to pursue a possible relationship that is beyond friendship. I can't seem to will the courage to allow someone in in that way. I know that Henry Cloud says to not get attached to one person but it's hard to get to know everyone, so I focus on a few. I was talking to a friend once who told me that he could only like one person at a time: that was his rule. Yet for me, I see no harm in liking several people since it's not a committed relationship- you're just looking and keep your options open. And what can I say, I don't have a reason for liking this one specific person. I just do and that cannot be changed with an automatic flick of a switch. At this point in my life, I wonder why I should even bother pursuing a relationship. I want to work in HK or China. What the heck am I going to do with a boyfriend in New York.
Wow I've said a lot. I think because this is one area I find that is worth focusing on more at this stage in my life. I think by 'penning' these words, I've somehow solidifed the intangible and gives me something to look back on in terms of growth and progress. See, words don't scare me as much as subtle body language in this realm of things. I don't write in here to be judged, I write in here because these are my honesty thoughts and feelings about matters of the heart. Usually I'm not so open about this subject matter, not even to close girlfriends, but I think this was a careful and thorough examination on my part.
Ang Lee has a new film in Mandarin called 'Lust Caution'. The trailer is gorgeously put together with the most beautiful piece of music that fits the movie so well. It's languid and restrained even at the climax. In all the tension and pain that builds up to the peak of the short piece of instrumental music, it's very much held back. It fits the movie wonderfully in this espionage film of lies, masks and seduction. Just listen to it. You'll understand when you hear it:
Lust Caution
Sadly enough, this random piece of music is not available on Itunes. aeknrankeranra! Curse my taste in obscure music!
-------------------------------------------------------
So I'm trying to read more. About anything really. I came across this book and ordered it on Amazon (that is one dangerous site- it feels effortless to purchase although I do miss buying a book at the bookstore which is a totally different experience but hardcover-only books force me to purchase from marked down E-stores). As soon as I opened the book, I could not put it down. It's really one of the better reads I've gotten this year. It's a non fiction book about what the title describes: how luxury (in fashion mostly) lost its 'definition'. The author gives us a basic chapter to chapter history of certain companies and informs us how some designers got into power and how business execs dropped prices of goods by outsourcing or lowering its quality to get more profits. From small family owned companies that sold a small number of handmade products to a small number of elite, businessmen came in and transformed the company into a mass conglomerate that tailors products to pretty much anyone with a decent middle class salary.
If you think about it, is Louis Vuitton even a luxury brand if half of the American population is carring around a brown bag with the yellow monogram? What is luxury if it is accessible to all? That is the crux.
More about this grave topic later. The book is just amazing.
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