The Essence of Love

Biblical love is an act of the will accompanied by emotion that leads to action on behalf of its object.

-Voddie Bauchman from the Relationship series

Best quote ever... Could not have said anything deeper than that. The series was truly awesome though I only heard 2/4.. or was it five... It's something I'm trying to live by when I feel like I'm lacking in love or don't 'feel' like loving someone because he/she is being difficult.


Today was great despite I had (and still have) this nagging fear that won't subside.. except there's so much to say and so much has happened I have to let it sit and digest first before giving it a proper review.
Let's just say that I have many people who love me.

Ugh I am having issues with fitting all my stuff into the suitcases... yargh.... it's all the darn pots and pans I am bringing back with me. Oh yeah and my clothes. :P Nah, it's really not that.


The other day Lois and me were sitting on the sub with Tania across from us.
Sam sniffs the perfumed air and says, "Are you wearing Ralph Lauren?"
Lois gives Sam bewildered look, "Omg you are so sad."
Why thank you.

Eatons

Today.. well now it's yesterday, consisted of dimsum with cousin and family, Eaton centre and dinner with AY friends.
Looking for something for Tania to wear is the hardest thing to do... yergh..... The bad and good thing about today's trip was that I didn't spend any money save a pair of pj pants that my mom will reimburse me for and the bad thing is was that I never got to look at anything for myself- not like I need anything but you know....
So I guess you could say it was successful though at the end of the day I was dizzy and feeling lightheaded from going in and out of stores and there were tons of people there today.. and on a Monday? I guess everyone was doign their back to school shopping- you know that time of the year when girls buy clothes hoping that they'd feel like they were starting afresh with a new school year coming. Perhaps new friends, new relationships, a boyfriend or two.
I also wanted to pop in to some of the hipster stores that are so incredibly popular with the teenagers like Abercrombie (I never even knew it opened here) and Hollister... except when I peered in, Hollister seemed like it was pitch black with only the clothes illuminated. Abercrombie on the other hand had loud music that you could hear from several stores away so... And they only hire people based on what they look like (Cali surfer cool) and don't have to serve you if they don't want to. What kind of service is this? Playing hard to get? My cousin pointed out that it was odd that a Cali-style surfer clothing store would create a dark nightclub atmosphere. How do those two things jive together? Their products are very laid back, 'fun in the sun' type of stuff but their mood is like a club scene.
Yeah... and I have this $25 Sephora gift cert that Maria gave me two years ago for Christmas and since I don't wear makeup, it's been sitting in my purse for a long time now... and I can't use it in the States since it's in Canadian dollars. -_-
The Japanese restaurant was okay.... it had the conveyor belt thing where the sushi rotates around a table and you could pick what you wanted to eat. It was a little pricey for me so I ended up getting katsu don (my mom said what a waste of time.. going all the way dt to get katsu don). It was a nice place though but Jimmy's is always better. Jimmy used to be a mechanic and then somehow got into making sushi. So he's really good with his hands. He made these impressive marble sushi and ones that resembled rabbits. I think that's the reason why I can't go to all you can eat Jap buffets because it is so much more than just consumption and filling the stomach. It's about the pleasure in creating and involving all the senses than just solely taste. Like many other things, it's an art. And because we see that he enjoys creating and experimenting with different ways of serving sushi, our whole family has been able to learn and appreciate what he does.
Too bad he's more of an HKer, 27 years old and not a Christian. ;)


Ok now I'm kind of concerned.. my roomie bought a rolling rack for more clothes and it's going into my side of the room but she says my side is bigger than hers.. I don't know if I can handle her this entire year. Allie warned me to make sure I dont' get stepped on because I'm not one who likes to confront, I just let it all sit within until it subsides. Sigh. Help me... Where is that line you draw from being miserly to being overly generous?

Designer Quotes, The Term: Fashion Icon, Mini Rant, & Xanga

"You can say that designing is quite easy; the difficulty lies in fiding a new way to explore beauty" -Yohji Yamamoto


Yeah that guy is amazing. He once made these dresses that looked as if they were chiseled out of marble. Making what is soft (fabric) appear to be hard (stone). Yeah I'm sorry if it's not really 'wow!' but I think it's really awesome since you have to study folds and the properties of specific cloth to know how to make it resemble marble. I wish I thought of that idea before he did. Dang it. He even showcased them in some museum to give it that 'art atmosphere'.
So I'm reading/flipping through this book that Tanya gave me about different designers and each bio is accompanied by a photograph of the person(s) and a quote.
I was surprised to see the Chloe brand within the pages of this book since most of them seem to be more independent and lesser known than the typical house. Wait, I take that back after flipping through it more. It basically covers all designers. Phoebe Philo, Chloe's former head designer had a quote in the book which made me chortle,
"I'm inspired by sunsets, sunrises, being with horses, and love."
It's just such a girly, typical answer of a female and to imagine this great designer who takes inspiration from these things made me just laugh. It was so down to earth and stereotypically feminine. Geez if I could take inspiration from these things and make it big, wow. :P


Meanings Lost of a 'Fashion Icon'
Being around forums and reading magazines all the time, I've realized the word 'icon' has been used way too loosely and lost its original meaning. And what is the meaning? Er... let me look it up so I don't get misquoted and that we're on the same page.
1)An image; a representation
2)An important and enduring symbol
3)One who is the object of great attention and devotion; an idol
Okay maybe it does apply to the latter meaning but the word 'fashion icon' has been constantly popping up within many devotees who love to tote around the names Kate Moss, Olsen twins, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie and Audrey Hepburn within their group of 'fashion icons'. I find it really silly to have one. Firstly, most people say 'Audrey Hepburn' because she's always been known as the classicist with the black dress and the pearl necklace. Girls just choose her because everyone else does. Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan are both dressed by stylists and her name is Rachel Zoe. They just hand out the moolah and pose for cameras.
The word 'icon' is very strong linked to almost looking up to someone like a god- something that endures through time. I think I've tried to come up with someone who I really admire in that sense, but no one really has that lasting impression on me. Or I just get bored with looking at the same person.
Yeah so I've basically concluded the term 'fashion icon' is stupid.
(I know, great conclusion :P)

Lending Things
I'm getting kind of annoyed at certain people who owe me things or who have borrowed things and I'm really tired of asking people to get back to me. I have a load on my mind with moving back to NY and I really do not like having to remember these things because I know I'll eventually forget until one day I start panicking because I 'lost' something. ARGH. Be responsible. I don't want to chase people for my own things. KEY... my freaking KEY.


Sam is done her mini rant.


Yeah so my roomie forgot her key back in LA so she got a locksmith to change our apartment lock. Now I can't get in with any of my keys (not like anyone has given them back to me. Thanks a lot) so my roomie has to wait for me when I get back to the apartment. Sigh. And it cost her $250. Yikes.



Xanga
I never really understood why Xanga was so great and how it differed from blogspot.. Since I got it a few weeks ago to comment on people's blogs, I realized how messed up it is. I didn't get why there were 'comments' and another category called 'eprops'. What are eprops? I had no idea until I got it and realized you could 'rate' how much you loved/liked/hated the person's post. So one day I was here on my laptop about to comment on someone's blog and faced with the dilemma on how many eprops to give. And a feeling of guilt washed over me- who am I to say how wonderful or badly written your post is? And I think that is absolutely retarded. See if I started blogging on Xanga, I probably get a little obsessed over how many points people gave me for my depth in my posts. And I don't really want to care how deep you think I am because who are you to say how great my posts are anyway? When Kitty helped me set up my comments section within my blog, I hesitated to put it up because I knew if I did, I'd get a little anxious whether or not people would comment because I know myself, I like fishing for compliments at times. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to be constantly checking to scroll to the bottom of each entry to see if anyone wanted to give me a word of appreciation. While comments are focused on certain entries, a tagboard allows a whole mosh pit of random blurbs and greetings from people passing by.
I just like how blogspot is so free with links, friends and comments. I like it that I can link anyone to my site- it doesnt necessarily have to be from other fellow blogspot bloggers whereas Xanga is only for Xangers and only they can comment which really annoys me.
I gave up on linking friends really. I don't like this idea of friending friends like how Facebook does it because it ends up to be a popularity contest or some people tell me, "Sam get Facebook! I want to show people I have a Parsons friend!" Yeah... also a lot of people switch from blog to blog because of personal reasons or just because they've stopped writing in their old one so they want to start afresh. I got tired of trying to find people's links and I've also drifted from many others.
What the crap.. you can 'subscribe' to people's Xanga sites? I'm convinced that Xanga is just trying to inflate blogger's egos.
Yeah so how many Eprops will you give me on this entry?




I've always liked the book Captivating. It made me feel like what I said and thought was not cheesy but a state of mind, depth and emotion set within me by God Himself.

The Illusionist.> Edward Norton is Amazing.

I was just looking at pictures of my summer and I feel overwhelmed by how much has passed. Glancing at pictures of Centre Island to the dinner I hosted at my house to softball practices at Helmkay to more recent events like the AY bbq and dessert at Karin's place. Sigh. So what have I done this summer? Sewing classes, hanging with friends, three photoshoots and... er... Ottawa and Quebec. Sounds very 'meagre' but I loved my summer. It was great though I didn't go anywhere fancy this year or do anything really spectacular although I think all my friends are spectacular. :P
I will miss Toronto.


ROBYN IS ONLINE! YAY. She likes all her suitemates which is good. :) I'm happy she's settling in. I hope this will be one eventful school year. I want to love Parsons. I want to say I love New York.

So I saw this movie.. It's an indie and I love love love indie films because they have so much more substance than your typical Hollywood movie *Coughsnakesonaplanecough*. Yeah and guess who is in it? Edward Norton. I love him. He's really talented. After seeing 'The Score' - I was like, wow he has skills.

This movie was set in the early 20th century in breathtaking Vienna. The motto of the film was basically 'nothing is as it seems.' The story is about a magician who fell in love with a duchess when they were kids and are seperated because of their social class. Years later, they find each other but like in Moulin Rouge, she is fated to marry the Crown Prince who is like Commodus of 'Gladiator'- a conniving man who wants to overthrow his father the emperor to take the throne for himself. Marrying Sophie the duchess would secure alliances in Hungary. Meanwhile the magician and the duchess are seeing each other secretly and they're discovered by the chief police- the son of a butcher who wants to be made the head of the police in Vienna. You see the inner conflict arise within him: to choose to be a high ranking official/aristocrat by jailing those who are innocent or to do what is right and risk losing all that he tried to gain.

So the Prince discovers their love affair and kills the duchess and Edward Norton, using illusions, conjures up ghosts and spirits to stir the crowd up against the monarchy. Yeah.. I can't say anymore because I'll just give away the ending for those who want to see it. It's very much like Moulin Rouge minus the singing.

Amazing movie. I loved it. There's a great twist at the end which makes it really good. Oh yeah the cinematography is absolutely stunning. Vienna is absolutely beautiful and now I want to go there. I remember talking to someone who said their aunt who has traveled all over the world said Vienna was the most beautiful of them all. And no, I can't just watch the movie to experience Vienna. I want to walk those same sienna-coloured cobblestone roads among the glorious Byzantine-style buildings.

Anyway it was a really sweet movie so long as you understand people don't conjure magic like that. But his performaces were great because he didn't simply just awe the audience by making an orange tree grow out of nothing- he asked many- okay I have to say it- philosophical/thinking questions about time, the soul and death. It was great. Plus all the tricks were chosen for a reason with a message. For example at the Crown Prince's house, he made a picture of the Emperor appear on a piece of paper on an art easel. He then speaks about Excalibur- the sword which could not be pulled out of the rock until the rightful heir came along. He takes the Prince's sword and it magically stays put on the floor with the blade down. Many men try to pull it out in vain until the prince tried with effort. Basically he was conveying the message that currently the rightful ruler was the existing Emperor and not the corrupted prince he wished to kill his father to take the throne.

I'd give it 8.8/10 stars.

Edward Norton was just great. There's this one scene where he conjures up the ghost of his beloved and begins to weep in front of the audience even though he was strictly forbidden to conjure up the duchess because it was propaganda. As she begins to turn to a iridescent cloud, he attempts to reach out to her but she fades quickly into thin air. And you could just feel the sorrow transcend to your own heart. You want to help him. You want to grieve with him. You want him to be reunited with his lady love.

And I want an enchanted life such as this. I want to embark on that adventure of my own, be the heroine of this journey and be swept off my feet. Okay I'm going to buy that movie when it comes out on dvd. That's my life in New York. I don't club, party or drink so I stay at home and watch movies with my roomie as we do homework. :P

Why are indie films (save LOTR) so much better? Probably because they have to do more thinking to make a film that people would want to buy and producers to invest in than Hollywood movies which just need a few famous actors, a hot actress and a very loose script. My favourite films are usually independent (save lotr but no one invested in lotr except New Line Cinema which wasn't even a big production company until this movie saved them.. so.. it could be called 'indie' in some way. hahah)

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades.

Cough, reminds me of the light of Elendil which Galadriel gives to Frodo to use when he is in his darkest hour.

So I was at Tania's house the other day and spotted this Prada pouch lying in her washroom cabinets. She uses it for toiletries. -_-. Miuccia Prada never wanted to be a fashion designer- she started off with a degree in POLITICAL SCIENCE but took over her family's luggage company and the rest is history. She was the first to incorporate nylon into her bags which sold like hot cakes back in the 1990's- it was an innovation at the time. So now they always have a collection of nylon bags for sale. The pouch that Tania had- a really tiny one for carrying a few lipsticks and makeup, is probably sold for $100+ at the Prada store.

And I found it so amusing because it's so ironic that that she doesn't give a darn about fashion but her mom used to sell designer jewelry, has at least 20 pairs of shoes, and two closets organized like a library. And my mom is just like Tania- she has less clothes than my dad, owns about four pairs of shoes and doesn't really care about brands (well she's more aware thanks to her daughter). Plus they both go/went to Waterloo. I told my mom and she laughed and said that was life. She said it would be bad if she was into that stuff too and turned to my dad who was sitting across us and said she would feel sorry for him. I said he'd probably be bankrupt. My dad said grumbling that he's already bankrupt with my expensive education. Lol. Anyway I told Tania since never really knows what to get me for my birthday/Christmas, I told her she didn't have to spend a penny and just get stuff from me from her house of discarded and unwanted stuff. Lol. Oh yeah and she gave me the pouch. Thanks. :P

Who Wants to Be Sam?

Frodo: I can't do this Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding on to Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for.


I think I must have posted this quote twice already in my blog. But I just read it again and felt so deeply touched in the heart. I remember during my LOTR a day marathon (er I still haven't finished the last cd), I watched as the wraiths came upon the ruins where Frodo and Sam were hiding and Faramir trying to desperately protect what was taken... and they were such beautiful words- full of hope and wisdom. Something timeless and still relatable in these days of war and death and despair. When I read them, just merely by reading every word- I feel strengthened. That I can carry on and fight for what I believe is right, just and pure. I think we all need a 'Sam'- someone who will hold us when we are weak, someone who will carry us when we can't seem to go on any further, someone to help us realize the beauty in this world. I don't just want to share the same name as him, but I want his simple, pure heart and loving and loyal character. I want to be a Samwise Gamgee.

Reflections

So where to begin from these couple of hurricane days? Much has happened since and my heart feels unsettled despite it all.
I can hardly remember what has happened- it was a flurry of activities from here and there. And now I just want some quiet time apart from everyone- to cleanse myself and slow down.


It started with rounds of tennis with Andrew and Pearl at the courst near Tania's house in the rain. It would have been great if the balls didn't just drop dead on the ground. We attempted to play a game but it was pretty sad. hahha.
Yeah so after Pearl and Andrew came over to play of chess before going to their softball practice. Tania and I finally finally finally finished that last page in our scrapbook. It spanned from gr10 to gr11. The book itself was not near done but the whole thing is busting because it's stuffed and jammed back with pictures, ribbon, metal words and other paraphernelia. So we shall start a new one during Christmas.
So after that we had dinner at with her family and in short, we rented the 'Family Stone' and went to this bubble tea gathering that Alice organized at Go For Tea. So I had bubble tea with Lois, Tania and this other UHSer called Mickey. Oh, did I mention we were at a table of 20+ UHSers?
And omg, there were 20 people with many others coming in and out and just dropping by. Honestly, it pretty much sucked. Before, Tania, Lois and I just sat in the car to waste some time since we got there early. I had bubble tea with people I didn't even hang out with in high school. Yeah sorry, I can't do huge groups because I find them a waste of time. And 24 people was way too big plus we had to spend $7 min each. Rip off. And people seemed so overly happy and I felt a little shoved to the side with someone's back to me. It was really stuffy as well. Tania and I left early.
We got back to watch the Family Stone with Sarah Jessica Parker. It's basically about this New Yorker who goes to her bf's family's house for Christmas and they all hate her because she seems too proper and awkward and stiff but she tries to help in the kitchen and make conversations (poorly). There was this one scene where she basically freaks out at the family and tells them how she tried to impress them with personal gifts and making food in the kitchen yet they still held up the walls against her. Perhaps it was because I was tired (hence a little overemotional) and I teared a little. I know, it's really pathetic, but I understood this woman on screen in her office regalia and heels.
The rest of the movie was absolutely ridiculous, Sarah's character asks her sister to come up to the family house and her bf basically falls in love with her after talking about work and how this guy spent five years making a totem pole. And I was about to puke from this movie's ridiculous view of 'love' where you can apparently find your soulmate within two days. Yeah and SJP's character ends up falling in love with Luke Wilson after getting drunk. I died at the end from all the cheese.
Anyway, it was 3am by the time we finished and we played a short game of Scrabble and slept at 4am. lol. I know, we're such nerds.
We got up around 12 and almost completed one crossword from today's paper and went to the softball game which they lost. Since Tania had to go to a TMS get together at Go For Tea AGAIN at 9pm and didn't want to drive me home, we picked Lois up at Kitty's house and went to Markville to get their TMS friend, Holly, a present.
Yeah and I forgot the mall closes at 6pm so we only had half an hour to shop. She's a Coach lover so I suggested getting the September Vogue for her and they also got a pair of boxers and a Starbucks gift cert at Chapters at FMP after. Yeah I really like buying people presents although I don't even know them. I'm addicted to getting that high when I give people something and seeing them happy so I contributed $5 to the magazine.
We spent ages at Chapters to kill time and went to FMP food court for dinner.
As for the gathering, it was okay. I was really tired so I was pretty dead during the entire thing. It probably came off as being cold but I really could not think of anything to say and I didn't want to shout across the table and attract attention. Everyone is linked to someone- it's really weird. One of the TMSers called Brian had a gf (I presume from their actions) called Tiff who went to Ryerson for Interior Design who also knows Dor. It was a little awkward when they talked about stuff I had no idea what they were talking about and I did get a little pissed inbetween partially because I was cranky and felt left out.
But at least Holly really liked the Vogue (which she calls the bible.. hahah.. fashion bible that is). Since her dad is a dentist, Lois and Tania we wondering if they already subscribed to Vogue or just bought it.. I deduced that they didn't because I've never seen any doc offices that have Vogue. It's usually Elle or Flare or InStyle. Also it just came out a week ago so unless you were someone like me- she probably didn't buy it yet. And my logic was right- she didn't have it. Yes!! I love trying to figure out presents. So much fun. Except for guys which gets a little hard for my feminine mind.
And then we party hopped to Demetres to celebrate Moe's birthday with the same group of UHSers but there were only ten of us this time. Yeah... we saw some other people there too who were pretty immature. I wanted to tell them to grow up when they started taking the cream from their desserts and started smearing it onto each other.
So now I am back. That's what happened basically.
I think I have to review this personality/work test that Andrew sent me... I feel like I haven't really been an ENFP (an extrovert first). During my last few days here in Toronto, I just don't want to hang out with everyone from my past. Like the 24 people at Go For Tea was unbearable and everyone just looked pretentious. Sorry for anyone who attended the gathering and is reading this right now but I'm just being honest. I really disliked it. I'd rather spend quality time with a small group of friends rather than a huge quantity of people I hardly know which lacks in quality. Right now I'm pretty selective with my time since I have very little to spend here. On the upside, it was nice to talk to Mickey who I NEVER spoke to in UHS but he was really friendly though he didn't really know any of us.
And wow, I feel like our friends have grown up with two of us Raps crew having boyfriends. Kind of odd since we were a strictly female group... sigh.. all growing up. It's nice to see them as couples- I don't feel jealous because they're all beautiful girls but I always wonder when....


Yeah I must say the greatest quotes from last night pertaining to me,
Mickey: I don't see you at Waterloo- you go to Waterloo right?
I just burst out laughing because I can't really picture myself there.
Wilfred: Did you just get back from work?
Me: Huh? I don't work.
Wilfred: Oh....
Me: Goodbye!
It's not really funny unless you were there to see: yeah I think it was what I was wearing- white blouse, suspender dress and leggings. I guess it looks more 'office attire'. I was initially confused at his comment because it came out of nowhere (and I don't usually talk to him either).


I'm really nervous about going back to New York. It's just the pain of saying goodbye. I take those really hard. Tomorrow (or today) will be my last day at church. Sigh. How long will I have to endure this? Will I ever call New York my home? I feel like I'm being uprooted once again. I want to strengthen church friendships more and it'll be hard with the distance and school.
And I wonder how Robyn is doing in New York. I remember exactly a year ago being in her position, I was afraid. I felt like I had lost everything and the only hope I had to grasp onto were my parents. And when they left my dorm, I just cried because I had never felt so alone. Although I've moved so many times, my family has always gone with me. And this time, I had to go at it alone. I don't think could understand how scared I was unless you experienced losing all you once knew to be placed in somewhere new with no friends or family there. The first few nights with my roommates were odd- I just kept to myself and listened to that Coldplay song which I can no longer listen to anymore because it's too painful when I do listen to it. It makes me depressed.
I feel that lump in my throat. I hate that feeling because it hurts. I wonder what I will gain from this learning experience. I feel like I've given so much to be there- giving up relationships with friends and family to be in New York. Giving up a ton of money for tuition. To gain what, God? If you want to walk on water, get out of the boat. I'm waiting to see the payoff. Does greater sacrifice mean greater gain?
Right now I'm listening to 'From the Inside Out'. It's soothing me and reminding me what and who I'm living for. It's my security blanket.

Juggling Friends and Family

Aw my mom went out for lunch and before she left she pointed out that she wouldn't see me until tomorrow late at night. I said yeah and said, "You don't have time to spend with us anymore!". So I'm giving up the Sunday softball game to hang out with my mom.
I think I've been to enough games and I need to balance out my social and family life because I'm never home for dinner which I really miss since I have sewing and the last week has been filled with friend activities. So that's my justification on that.

Busy busy bees.

Mmmm today was good. I was extremely productive today nonstop.
I had an eye appointment at 9:45am.. ugh... I had to force myself to wake up.
Then I went to Market Village to get a haircut.. YES! It's back to its old mod cut and it feels a hundred pounds lighter. After we were done my mom told the hairstylist that how he styles and blows our hair is hard to replicate at home as beautiful as he makes it in the salon. He said to my mom, "if you could style your hair like I do, I'd be out of business.". Lol. True true. There's an art to everything.
You know, one day I'm going to chop it all off and get a cropped pixie haircut. They say that men like women with long hair but what female would deny that Johnny Depp looked amazing with his long hair as Jack Sparrow? Exactly. I've concluded that as long as it is long enough to have movement and not some buzz cut, it's fine.
Anyway after that we went around the stores again. Dude it just felt weird today because the last time I went to the plaza was exactly three months ago. It's odd because I feel like time just flew but so many things remain the same. For example, that Chloe bag I raved about three months ago is still there. Cough.
Yeah then after that my mom and I went to several grocery stores and I made three small tiramisus: one for my sewing teacher who ranted and raved about my chocolate chip cookies (except I don't really find them that great myself) and one for the AYers.
Yeah I sewed for about 2.5 hours and went to the AY bbq at Fiona's house and took the 404 and 407. :o haha big thing for someone who didn't want to drive highway before. I'm starting to enjoy it.
When I got there Tanya gave me this super heavy bag full of gifts from HK including the August issue of China Vogue (her mom's gift to me), a 3d globe Winnie the Pooh puzzle, a Fashion Icon book by my favourite publisher Taschen (does all the design books), Fashion Collection magazine that she had double copies of and this miniature birthday cake (belated). Yup I plan to read everything hopefully if I have time. Correction: look at everything, there isn't anything to read or that I could read (hahaha can't read chinese).
Tet, Dor's boyfriend, was there. He's super nice and friendly and puts up with all our girliness. At one point Fiona started discussing loudly why Korean guys are so built but Chinese guys are so thin. Lol. I felt bad for Tet- it was kind of awkward but he told her that he saw some built Chinese guys at the beach. Funnyyyy. Yeah the art kids aren't exactly the most eloquent of the bunch and the things they say are pretty darn funny because they're so honest. They told Tet that he was a nerdy guy but in a good way. Sigh, fiona. We also watched a Stephen Chow movie called 'The Chef of Cookery'. A ton of diffused lighting- excessive.. why does the girl start off ugly in every movie and suddenly become 'pretty'? -_-
WHOOHOO! I am done my blouse! Well I couldn't resist finishing it up so I did the buttons just now. yayyayayaya... I have a new respect for sleeves- they're so hard to sew in since it's a circle. Now I can look like Guy Pierce and brood around my room- all I need is a glass decanter and some wine. haha.
I was making my tiramisu today while my mom caught me up with the doings of her best friend in HK and two of my old childhood 'friends' who are currently going through the high school to university transition. In HK they let you sample uni life by hosting a 'sleepover' at the dorms and having fun activities and one of my friends who has attended an all girls school all her life went in expecting guys to be perfect gentlemen and to be more mature. After all was said and done, she came out aghast by their behaviour and now doesn't want to go to that school. Hahha.. On the flip side, we have a friend in Vancouver who returned to HK to go to uni for business, has complained that all the girls there are ugly. When I heard that, I just burst out laughing. My mom concluded that since he went to a nerdy uni full of nerdy engineers and math people, they obviously don't really care about outer appearances. Oh the jokes.
I told my mom that they should just marry each other and my mom gives me this look of disbelief and was like "hai! they're going through that stage of attraction."
Yeah so now it's my turn to complain about gay guys at an already guy-lacking school. Nah.


So I'm almost done the 734 page September issue of Vogue. My feelings are mixed on this one- kind of disappointed that this is supposedly 'the best'. I don't like Kirsten Dunst and the cover is this dusty pink which makes me feel kind of nauseous. The editorials were kind of dull and the pictures weren't astonishing. Some of the articles were good though- I finally found out what goes into dry cleaning.. not good at all. Btw if you ever dry clean your clothes, make sure you put them outside for a few hours because the chemicals aren't good for you so it has to have a good airing. And there was this great article about those avant garde Japanese designers I was talking about earlier. It seems to take a lot to get into their design team- you have to have a one on one interview with the designer herself and then you get from 10 to 6 to make a white shirt that reflects you and cuts the crap on people who just try to talk their way through. And apparently this designer gives little instruction on how to do things because she believes that instruction will just stifle creativity. Interesting.


Yesterday when Tania and I were at American Eagle looking for a nice gift for our birthday girl, Steph, she (tania) mentioned that she hated how they sold ripped jeans because logically speaking, you could buy an unspoiled pair and do it yourself. Or just get an old pair and cut it up to get that effect. I said AE was a little slow and that the trend is now skinny jeans (jeans that basically hug your legs and tapers down to the ankles) and ripped jeans are out. Yuck and I shuddered when I said that because I really dislike being the one who regurgitates what fashion magazines say what the trends are and what's out because then I feel like I really have to live by what is 'in' and be on the cutting edge of things which I'm not. And I don't really care if things 'go out' because the concept to me is just silly and little teen girls who proclaim that peasant skirts are out and condemn those who wear them one season later are not the most avant garde by wearing a polo with a cable knit sweater, jeans with a pair of Converse. Who am I to tell people what they're wearing is 'so last season'. It just sounds pretentious with a false air of superiority. It's like saying "Ha you are so behind with what is trendy and I am so trendy because I'm wearing grey sweater dresses with leggings and you're still into lightwashed denim. Ewww" And yet you're being such a leming by following what the the dictators say is 'in' for now and not thinking for a second how uncreative you are by purchasing some mass produced garment from the department store.
I'm pretty much open to anything- I also dislike it when the media issues out books and such about 'Do's and Don'ts' because we all know they'll change their minds later on. Who would have thought suspenders would look cool two years ago? But my biggest pet peeve within the industry is when they have their what's in and what's out section. It's just petty. I can tell you what's 'in' for fall: grey, leggings, layering, sweater dresses, big tops with skinny jeans, ankle boots, jumpers, plaid and the schoolgirl uniform. Yeah that's what's 'in' in a nutshell. I like this fall's trends- they give me something else to play with and to experiment with but I wouldn't go as far as to condemn people for not riding the bandwagon.



So here is me and my knockoff of a $285 Ivy babydoll jumper dress I saw online (the one on the right). It looks similar but I used a skirt pattern and basically moved the entire piece from my waist to my armpits. Yeah. So I was pretty pleased with it since it was my second project next to my elastic pajama pants. Then I was reading the Globe and Mail Fashion section and they splashed on the front page 'What Was She Thinking? The Dreaded Empire Dress'
And they had this whole article dedicated to how the babydoll/empire line/Jane Austen look made girls look like they had maternity clothes on and how only tall, under 25 years of age, flat chested and reed thin people should wear them. And on top of that you can't wear it with messy hair and you have to wear it with heels etc. They also picked a few celebs to put down at their expense to show how they seem to be expecting a baby.
Geez.
To think I was pleased with my own self-made empire line dress when Globe and Mail is condoning this shape of dress. Whatever. Mine is exactly what they hate but I balanced it out with the details such as the straps with the gold buttons and the bodice area. I hate it when they pick on something they thought was so cool during the summer and destroy it to show their readers that they've apparently moved on to the next 'it' item. Anyway I'll stop talking to myself now. :P Interesting quote by a curator by the name of Brooke Hodge,
"Both clothing and building are based on the body, provide shelter, and are means of projecting identity. Because both fashion designers and architects begin with a flat material, they realized that each could look to the other for ways to construct more complex forms."

Steph's Birthday

Wow I am so close to finishing this plaid jumper dress and the pouffy blouse. I want to sew right now but it's 1:30am :(
I'm very much more aware of the construction of clothing now. I was at Hillcrest at my old favourite store, Costa Blanca, and I was standing in front of this grey plaid dress and noticing how the lines didn't match up from the bust and the rest of the dress. Yeah I was waiting for Tania so I just examined the rest of the dresses to see if they were all like that.
So Robyn is leaving tomorrow (well today) and I will be leaving in a week. Yikes. Today at our last family dinner she whispered to me, "I'm scared. It's starting to sink in." I told her she would be fine with a nice roomie and a great dorm.


So today was Steph's birthday.... Tania and I went to Hillcrest and basically wandered around half of the American Eagle store for a good 40 minutes trying to figure out what the heck to get her. Since I havent' seen her much I had no idea what to get her since she's changed her style to be more 'girly'. Yeah but the AE salespeople were nice but probably a bit puzzled as to why Tania and I were wandering around the store for such a long time. There was this one guy who followed us around, I think he was trying to strike up conversation and it was pretty funny because we kept moving when he came forward. We eventually settled on two sales items (sorry, we were on a budget): a burgundy henley shirt and a blue lace tank. And they ran out of boxes so they gave me this huge one- half my height. I made a disclaimer before giving it to her to avoid disappointment that it wasn't something grand like jeans or sweaters or smething.
Yeah so we got to her house and they bought a lot of booze. I sipped on half a cooler with 5% alcohol and I was feeling flush and lightheaded. Well I guess my tolerance is very low. Haha. Steph got pretty plastered and puked. Not the most memorable thing you want to remember for a 19th birthday...
Though I do not condone people for drinking, I think people ought to set some limits. People like to feel like they've lost control and feel that high and have people's attention on them when they're staggering around silly. I'm not one who likes the taste of alcohol but I'd drink something that'd mask it. But as Tania said, I'm relatively skinny and I drank half of it pretty fast so I became a little dizzy and stopped to avoid doing something stupid. I do find it silly when people drink just to assimilate or to show off their 'coolness' and take pictures to later show it off on facebook or whatnot. That I find stupid. Utterly pointless.
The worst part was that there were some RHCBCers at the party who got pretty drunk too. It was by no means a drinking party- only two people got pretty smashed out of the eight or so people. People were playing mah jong and eating and talking. But yeah, not the greatest testimony, guys. It confuses me when Christians do those things- I just really want to know what's going through their heads when they do things they shouldn't.


I also baked chocolate chip cookies (from scratch) today out of boredom. Before I went to sewing class, I set out a plate of five cookies and poured a glass of milk for my brother and left him a note, "Hi Chris, Here are some homebaked chocolate chip cookies for your snack! -Your Favourite Sister". I came back home from the party and found a sheet of cut out cookies on my laptop with a sticky note saying, "Hi Sam, Here are some chocolate chip cookies for your snack! (evil smile) -The Cookie Monster"
Hahah. My weird brother.
I gave three to my sewing teacher who absolutely loved them because they were crunchy and not the chewy, moist ones. Personally I like the latter but she really enjoyed mine since they weren't too sweet. :) She asked me why I didn't go into the culinary arts and how I started to bake. Yeah.. I told her I made a frickin good tiramisu and would make her one one day.. so maybe Ill make it sometime this week and divide it between church, her, and family. Hm...


It was nice today to see everyone though I did have my hesitations.

The Game of Euchre

So I learned this trend of a game in the past three days. I was determined to learn it since it seems to be held with such high regards because it's a more intellectual game and harder to understand. When they tried to teach it to me at Go For Tea, everyone was nodding their heads with comprehension (or was it fake?) while I was like "I don't get it at all.. why am I so slow..." I learned it though. Or at retreat while Robyn was playing against Sam and Co. and she tried to give me a brief lesson on it.
Sometimes I feel like I've dug myself into a hole when I chose to go into the field I'm going to. Back in the early years of high school, I took everything because I had to: math, science, English, AY, geography, French, history etc. I was 'well rounded'. But when it came to Gr11 and 12, I dropped all maths and sciences and pursued politics, world issues, world history, French and interior design. Though people may not think I'm stupid I always think I need to prove to them that I'm not just some airheaded person who likes clothes and is oblivious to anything else. Julia's mom was pointing out last night that if both my parents were amazing at math, why am I not? I can be good at math but I learn slower than most Chinese kids. I probably need one and a half to two years to learn what they learn within two semesters. I did really poorly in math in grade 9. It really was my own dumb fault that I ended up with something like a 75% so I was determined to get better and I bought the textbook and my mom taught it to me during my summer in HK and I landed an 86 that year. Gr 11 was BAAAAD. Crappy teacher. I got low 80's I think. Yeah as for science, I only went to gr10 because I wanted to take electives within the interior design field and other humanities but wanted to stuff a bio in there but couldn't. So.... it wasn't like I was steering away from the sciences, I just didn't have the flexibility that the non AY people had. I think for both grades I had an 88%.
And though no one really has called me shallow in my face, I am always on the defensive when it comes to my interests. Why? Because no one else is interested in the things I am or is as immersed in it as I am. So I have no one to talk to about them. Sure Tanya is taking fashion design at Ryerson next year, but our conversations just don't run in that area. So when people find my interests are within that realm, they assume that talking about buying stuff is what really gets me going. It does sometimes but it's not just about getting new things when it comes to the F-word.
I'm very interested in conceptual designers who are not really into the aesthetics of familiarity. What we know as a 'shirt' is a total different definition to them. They try to change what we know as conventional into something that's avant garde. Many Japanese designers fall under this category like Yohji Yamamoto, and Commes Des Garcons (Japanese but French name). Then there is Anne Demeulmeester, Hussein Chalayan and Viktor and Rolf. Never interested in the ordinary or the trendy but for pure design element.
Personally I find there is a hierarchy when it comes to this certain interest (I'm trying to avoid using the F-word. I'm quite tired of hearing it and I am sure you are as well). There are who don't care, those who just like buying things and say they like it based on consumerism, those who think they're extremely avant garde by wearing polos and skinny jeans (and are not- most 14 year olds fall in this category who thinks fashion is based on what is in and out), those who try to break away from what is the norm and are more conscious of different elements of design and those who are off in their own world- the truly avant garde bunch. I fall in the attempts of breaking away from what is the norm- you can say I look like any other teenager- I try not to but everyone has their point of view.
Because I feel a little threatened by those who claim to be wise/theological/logical/deep, I often shut myself out from people and pursue my interests on my own. Because I write extensively in here, you cannot presume to know me fully. My blog is only a slice of who I am. It does not encompass my being.
So I indulge in my own whims on other blogs, journals and such where I am simply known as the person I portray myself to be. I can tell someone 'I like your dress' without feeling stupid or shallow but for the sake of what I like doing. Alter ego? A mask? Persona? No, it's pure me but a side I would not show to people I see on a day to day basis for fear of being labeled. If I did, would you be amused? Horrified? Weirded out?


In the end, I've realized that perhaps it is not others who think I am shallow but my own fear of realizing my interests at heart. Perhaps what I am doing is being defensive against myself and not towards other people though I honestly do think people will associate me with the superficial. Perhaps I am just afraid of myself. Or that I cannot just accept myself for who I was meant to be. Am I in denial? So what if people think you're shallow? But I still do because I want so badly to prove everyone wrong.
We all must admit, in the end, fashion deals with surfaces. It is naturally shallow but you can't go underwater till you hit the surface. Refer back to the Richard Avedon quote. It is simply amazing, simply for me.

Cottage Country

You know that feeling when a cold stab of jealousy runs through your veins?
And of course, Sam being the Christian she is, chides herself for feeling this way because it's so 'unchristian-like'.
But these things come at the spur of the moment- a reflex.
I suck.


Anyway the cottage was okay. The above is a picture of my semi retarded friends doing stupid poses in the water. I didn't swim. The first picture is the backyard- the view that the cottage overlooks. It really is beautiful. They have a dock and sandy beach rather than stones and seaweed like their neighbours. The night we arrived, we watched 'The Hills Have Eyes'- a horror flick. Usually I don't give my 100% attention and have MSN to distract me because I'm scared I'll get scared. Anyway, I highly do not recommend this film. It's about this family who goes on this road trip and they go through this US nuclear testing site where people have refused to relocate so they're deformed and mutated. Yeah they overdid it because some humans were to the point of looking like orcs from Lord of the Rings. Anyway so they try to survive by fighting against these man-eating humans. Anyway this was not a horror film- it was just pure disturbing. After it was finished I was just horribly disturbed.
There was this part where two mutated men come into their trailer where a teen girl and a baby are sleeping and they basically rape her from behind and then the mother of the baby comes in and allows them to molest her to save her baby from getting shot but she ends up getting a bullet. It was totally perverted and just plain disgusting and now I'm very freaked out. The whole film was gory and disturbing.
That night we had three beds laid out but me, vanessa and soph slept on one bed. And my contact was hurting so I didn't sleep until 5am. Sigh.
We did a ton of grocery shopping. It was fun. Julia and Vanessa are into the low fat, fat free, organic, no trans fat food stuff- they bought cereals, fat free yogurt and organic sauce (for a spinach lasagna they made from scratch) while me and Soph loaded on organic tostitos (er it helped justify me buying chips), peanut butter cookies and white bread bagels. Lol. We balanced each other out. It's good to have a friend who has similar eating habits as you. You enjoy food more and feel less guilty.

Well I learned how to play Eucher (I can never spell it. Euchre?). Yeah just because everyone seems to think of it as such an 'intellectual' card game I thought I'd learn. Through the whole trip Soph and I won against Julia and Vanessa 3-2. Yeah.. I kinda suck still and make silly blunders. I still don't fully understand the game though. The only point of me learning it was to see if I was at that 'intellectual capacity'. Whatever.
The highlight of the trip was obviously the boat rides. You feel the boat tip you down and over the waves and once we went airborn. It's crazy and I love it- the wind screams like a thousand horses galloping in your ears, kissing your face till it's numb as tears streak down your eyes and your hair lashes onto your skin leaving it stinging. That's what it feels like. Really. It's absolutely glorious.
Anyway we went on a night cruise and we got some more waves as we entered open water and when it was an inky blackness, the stars emerged in all their beauty- they littered the sky. And wow, we saw the Milky Way softly weaving across the velvet sky and I saw two shooting stars- two huge ones. And it reminded me of how small we are. Every time I look at the stars I feel very small and remember how big God is. We stopped by a little town where there was basically nothing to really see and decided to head back. On the way there we saw a huge buoy that didn;t have a light- if we crashed into it it would certainly damage the boat. Well on the way back we took out a strong flashlight and shone it out trying to spot it before it was too late. We found it- the solar panel didn't work so it only shone green when we focused the flashlight on it. We got near it and saw it was at least 4 feet high. Yikes. A huge pylon buoy. At some areas we smelled marijuana- people must go out in their boats at night to smoke. Julia also told us how some boats don't have lights so they've almost crashed into two before. Tsk tsk. Extremely dangerous.
And then I remembered that verse about how light cannot be covered by the darkness and how even the smallest light can make a difference. In this case we could see even the tiniest light on land- every pylon helped us to navigate where to go and avoid sandbanks and rocks.
Yeah so last night we saw this really crappy movie called Beuwolf and something... based on an old poem and it was the most horrible movie I had ever seen. Gerrard Butler was in it BEFORE he did Phantom and omg.. the movie was a piece of crap. It looked so amateur and it was based in the Dark Ages but they used modern swear words in it. -_- Some people should never direct or screenwrite.
Anyway today we had breakfast and had half a game of Balderdash- this game where you basically make up definitions to some really random word and if you guess the right definition from the lot, you win points and if other players guess yours you win points but if no one guesses the right definition the person who read the definitions out loud gets three points. So yeah I won in the end against everyone. Funniest game ever. We'd make the dumbest definitions. I won because no one guessed that 'calpac' was a black Armenian cap made of felt. Lol. It was so jokes. I said that 'gambeer' was a leather pouch used to carry tools of a carpenter and fooled two people. Sweet. Ends up it was to hook fish on the side of a boat vessel. Omg.
Yeah so now I'm home. My mom was on the phone with Andrew and there were some issues with reception. Anyway as I was talking and moving my stuff to my room I noticed my mom bought me the new Vogue and placed it on my bed. Yay! Two inches of ads and editorials. I love it when she reads my mind and gets it for me (that sounded really superficial but it's more of the loving gesture I'm talking about). The rest of my day was spent on sewing sew for a few hours and then went to Walmart to buy more sewing stuff.
And today I looked back at pictures I took just before I came back and it hurts because I miss those days of anticipation and I don't want to leave. It's kind of sad that Robyn is more excited about going than I am about going back.
It was just a year ago that I left- probably august 24 as well. The most painful day of my life. Not being melodramatic. It really was. I felt like I was losing everything to gain something new. And it hurt. And I wonder what if would have been like if I went to Ryerson instead. So would it be the good or the easy way? At least I have the guts to go through the harder path.

So I'm going to the cottage. I will be back on Tuesday morn to afternoon.
It was a total change of plans. I was intending on going to Robyn's huge lunch thing and then the Dunamis game but then Julia called and asked if I was going to the cottage. Soph and Vanessa were already packed. And I haven't hung out with them since late June.
So I just talked on my cell phone trying to figure what the heck I was doing while all 25-30 people streamed out of the church, jumped into cars and drove off.
And all I can think is how lucky Robyn is to have so many people care for her to hold her a big lunch and the other thing later on.
I'm not complaining. She's grown up in this church all her life and has served within the community in worship team, Bethel and CD team. So naturally she deserves it.
I don't even remember my last day at church. I don't deserve anything.
And yet I felt so empty today.
Sometimes I feel like it's time to change churches again. But I've realized in gr 10 the same problem seems to arise and changing doesn't really help.
People see me. They just don't really see me.
And I don't want your pity. I'm too proud to accept any sort of pity. Today Karin sat next to me at worship because I was sitting alone and I felt sorry for her to have to sit next to me. I knew she wanted to sit with her friends and I felt like a pathetic loser. I felt like I had forced her there.
I don't want pity. I just want someone to care.


I really believe that this whole summer has been my goal and obsession over trying to gain acceptance within the church. I really have spent more time with church people than with any other friends (except Tania). I hardly ever saw any of the Raps or AY crew.
I had the decision today of whether or not I wanted to lunch with the church group or with my family before I went to the cottage.
One reason was because it was such a huge group that was going, they'd probably take ages to order and eat. Secondly, I just felt small and there were so many people grouped together going to this one huge gathering thing- it wouldn't matter if I wasn't there. After all, I am her cousin and am going to be the only one who sees her after she leaves. So why am I needed there anyway.
And it's so sad, as Tania said, that I have to share my feelings within this blog. As much as I love it, cherish it and write as much as possible- it sucks to have to say everything here (of course I think a lot better here as well) at times. This is out of desperation you know that? For me to actually reach across to church people I've had to write about church in here. How else would Sam, Andrew, Angie etc would have noticed if I had not written all that I had felt in here? Then I would be really really alone.
And you would really not have known she was hurting inside.
Whatever I'm just complaining again.


Sweet, I'm finally done. Now time to go to cottage.

If you want to know why I love these particular ones it's because the first is a classic and the second is very contemplative. Personal opinions but I love both of them anyway. Grace's reminds me of a particular cover of Vogue that Nicole Kidman did:

Results of 4.5 hours of work, 262 photos (I deleted a few) after.
Marvelous.

Point, Click, Shoot.

Ugh. I am burned out.
I don't want to do anything right now but there are some things I have to take care of for certain people.
I'll just do it tomorrow..... :S


So today I woke really late (11am) and mulled around doing things until Grace and Angie rang at the door to get me. Luckily I didn't have to drive and just dumped a ton of clothes into two bags and left. We had Tim Hortons for lunch :) and then went to my grandparent's apartment where we dropped our purses off at their place and then...
spent 4.5 hours changing, putting and reapplying makeup and shooting.


The hardest thing about the shoot was directing two different people to look as if they were one.


Yeah so now I just don't want to do anything but burn pictures and mindlessly edit them to make them look out of this world. Blah....
Sam is tired.
Sam has three cds to burn.
And a layout to make.
And has to figure out what the heck she is doing next week.


So my brother came back from worship practice and blames me for making people think that he's amazing. He's never worked with other people so he's having problems and I know he's nervous though he says he isn't. He's scared that he won't meet the standards of the team especially Sam H.
I told him that though he's not doing fills tomorrow, he'll learn how to in the future. It's as if you've played the violin all your life and then suddenly someone puts the metronome on and you realize how offbeat you are. Or when you practice soccer or tennis by yourself and then when you come into a team, you realize the logistics are totally different.
He says everyone is telling him he's doing great just to encourage him and don't sincerely mean it. Ai yah.


Sorry my brain is mush and I can't really think at the moment.

Apples of Silver

When I blog, I usually edit my posts two to three times after I've published them. I always think of something else to add on or I see some word I mispelled and I go back to correct it. Or if the grammar or tone sounds a little immature or off I go back to edit them.
I know, I'm a semi-perfectionist.


Today Pui Wing talked about having a mission statement within Salt yet some people said it may restrict and dull the program. And Pui Wing said that there was one artist in the group (Robyn then laughs and says "Actually three- or four." Me, Rob, Joyce, Becca- visual artists that is) countered it by using the analogy of the artist who works under the restriction of a specific medium but has free reign within the realms of that certain material. But the artist is forced to be even more creative within the boundaries and man, when you have restrictions, you really stretch the imagination. Really. If you didn't have them, the artist would be all over the place.


And as he talked today I couldn't help but admire adults in general because they seem to be so much stronger because of what they've been through. He spoke about how his dad died of cancer and when he was struggling through chemo, he was forced to spend time with his father who he wasn't that close with. Pui Wing also spoke about spending time with the kids and wife and I thought one day I'd grow to understand all that he felt. Like many people have.
He also said that you know you've grown spiritually when your friends can tell that you have grown in certain aspects of your God-centered life. You should be able to point out to your friend where he or she has grown in the past year. And if they can't tell you where you've grown- you haven't. Except I don't know anyone who could tell me this except for myself.


When I came back to Canada, I had the chance to redecorate my room and I wanted many pillows on my bed. Since I had four pillows set evenly, I wanted a smaller accent pillow to finish the look- a focus to the bed. So my mom bought me one- it was a very country style one and on the surface the flowery words, "A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be a friend." were embroidered on. And when I first got it, I thought "Total cheese." And now looking back, it's quite true. I love talking to my mom about stuff while I bake or while she is cooking and I'm sitting at the table. Or when we go out on a short walk or go walk the mall to kill time. I know she's pretty strict when I go out but she's a good mom.
On the day of her birthday, I went downstairs and was eating breakfast when she came in and I said "happy birthday!". She gives me this blank look and then exclaims "Is it? Oh yeah!! Today is my birthday! You remembered. And dad and Chris didn't!" And she gives me a hug and then my dad comes bolting in for redemption. Hahaha.

Ice Queen

So I went to Salt today.
On my way out I saw two guys from the fellowship who I've never spoken to and I was going to smile and say bye but they look at me then look quickly away.
Okay.
And it occurs to me that perhaps I come off as really distant. I am not like my cousin who just approaches people and sticks out her hand and says "Hello my name is Robyn.. what's yours?" It's a cute thing but I don't do cute. See, I've gone to this church since high school and they've seen me, most likely know my name or my association with Robyn but don't know me. And I know their names but know nothing of them. Which makes it increasingly awkward because I don't talk to them so if I ever burst out in conversation, that would be kind of odd. When I go to church, I only speak to those I know and am quiet for the rest of the time. I have loads of girlfriends that I've met along the way: Tania, Lois, Kitty, Steph, Serene, Allie, Bonnie, Angie, Sam, Grace, April, Tanya, Dor, Amy, Karina, Julia, Vanessa, Sarah, Sarah B, Soph etc.
I have very little guy friends.
Why?
Because I'm a girl and predicting and reading female brains are a lot easier than male ones. Then there guys who try to act all cool and 'all that' which just turns me off from making introductions.
And then I'm just really shy and hope people will approach me instead. Which of course is doomed for failure most of the time.
With all pretentions and mostly pride set aside, I need more guy friends. How else am I going to get a boyfriend? And especially church guy friends.
Ugh. I'm a very stubborn and prideful person- that was quite a heartwrenching, humbling thing to say.
See, I've always come across as someone who doesn't need them- and I feel like I don't but it's interesting to get different gender perspectives on things. And I've been fighting that constantly.
I feel like I've set myself up with this uncaring persona and can't seem to break out of.
And every time I go to a new church I hope that it'll be different- I can come across as someone genuinely warm.
You see, I say very little to the opposite gender because I usually have nothing to say unless it's trivial so I don't bother. And I feel like an idiot most of the time. So how do I make friends and reach out to people?
I usually smile or laugh.
Or I bake. It sounds pathetic but really, how do I show people I 'care' if I don't? It's kind of my own mini outreach thing. Trust me, it works. Tiramisu, brownie, chocolate souffle cookie, chocolate cheesecake recipes under my belt- I'm good to go.
Yeah so now I'm stuck.


I'm going to end up a spinster.

My Day.

I am a vegetable.


I tried to make my own jumper but I had so many issues with understanding the instructions. I literally sat there for half an hour pinning and repinning the lining to the bodice trying to figure out what the heck they were trying to say. GRRRR. And I wanted to make this all by myself with no help. :(
Sigh.
So I literally sewed for four hours today. I am achy.


And a thunderstorm is scheduled for Saturday. Perfect. -_-.


So today I had lunch at the French bakery with Serene who is leaving for Duke tomorrow. Funny thing- she told me she had a cousin in Ryerson who was also taking sewing lessons and making a kimono. I burst out laughing because she's in my class. Small world. After that we went to a children's bookstore which looks exactly like Meg Ryan's 'You've Got Mail' bookstore... there was a lady reading to kids too. haha.. My mom ordered all the books that my old time favourite Barbara Cooney illustrated. We also purchased a book called 'The Twelve Dancing Princesses'- I have one edition of since I was in Grade 2 and apparently some other illustrator gave his own interpretation of the same book which I find kind of neat to see the different perspectives of different artists. But I must say I like the style of the old one better- more classic- this one is more kiddish.


I got to my AY gathering at April's house really late and they were waiting for me to watch 'Initial D'. And I was quite happy because I was curious to see it- partially because I like the title. It just sounds really random but a really cool, unique one? That would make an interesting name for a clothing store or collection. Haha.. Just like how I'd love to have a boutique store named 'Closure':
"I just found Closure!"
"Well good for you."
Haha.. Sorry, that's my cheesy humour coming through. Actually my 3d design teacher came up with that and we all got a good laugh from it.
Anyway my mom was surprised that I even heard of it and I guess it was from a few sources.
The movie was jokes. For the first time I saw Jay Chow's eyes.. hahaha.. I remember back in HK his hair was always covering his tiny tiny eyes. And since he's mandarin, he had to speak Cantonese for the film. He sounded mentally retarded. Really. He was supposed to be the 'shy awkward boy' but he just sounded like he had some speaking disability. He.. kept talking.... like. this. Anyway the movie itself wasn't amazing- lacking in acting and it was basically held up by cute guys and fancy drifting moves. But I think what really made it was the commentating we all were doing during the film.
Being us- the art kids- we started the film on April's fancy projector and as I watched the intro I thought the digital editing was a piece of crap- the car was going haltingly quick as if they did a bad cutting job and I could not understand the Cantonese at all so I had to rely on reading the English subtitles quickly. We then realized we were watching it on fast forward. PUAHAHA.. It was so funny.
Then I noticed in the middle of the film, everything was red and green and I thought it was some artistic thing and must symbolize something. Turns out, April's projector was messed up. Lol.
And then there was this little romantic scene (and yet again, they choose a cute, little Asian girl- her face is as round as a bun) and she whispers in his ear "I remember you said you'd take me to the beach and I was so excited I bought a sexy swimsuit the next day. I got the one with the least cloth on." (paraphrase).
I just cracked up. And they showed her in the swimsuit and it's not even the most scandalous one I've seen either. It makes her look like a kid. It was basically a bikini straight cut that covered all cleavage and boy shorts. Omg. It was so funny. And Jay Chow had this dumb expression on his face all the time. He looked tired all the time.
But all of us tuned out when they had mini blurbs explaining how to increase speed or create tighter turns and stuff about horsepower and whatnot. Lol.
But of course the central focus came upon the actors. April was sighing every time Edison came on. And those who know Dor and how graphic she is and her eyes were peeled on Edison and Jay and there was this one second shot of a dual screen showing both faces and she wanted us to rewind and pause it there. And then she makes a comment about how she can't wait for her period to end since she's seeing her boyfriend tomorrow and hasn't had sex in ages. We all groaned- still the same Dor.
Personally I think Jay is not really good looking at all- his profile is okay. Edison is better looking but not amazing. I like chiselled, anime faces.


Anyway after the movie we were discussing about the next summer and they wanted to arrange some mini AY trip to somewhere. So this is how it went:
I said Japan but of course too expensive.
Europe but Dor said we couldn't go to just one country since they were all so close together so we'd spend a ton of money on traveling to multiple countries.
Cruise to Bahamas, Jamaica or Cuba- too expensive still and we'd have to book way ahead of time.
Disneyworld, Florida- Dor said she was just there.
LA where the beaches are. But you have to be 21 to rent a car and public transportation sucks in Cali.
So then we concluded with a cottage in Toronto. Or to wait till we were all 21- except Dor's b day is in December. Tanya then asked her why she she wasn't born earlier and Dor's answer was that it wasnt her fault that her parents had sex later so she was born late. She's a funny one. Yeah so our travel plans are cottage country now. lol. I think it's hilarious.
And Tanya has a Mini Cooper- I love it.
Yeah baking brownies for them was a big mistake- some of them got so sugar high they started a pillow fight.


Hm so no good insight today. I've been having really odd dreams lately. The night before I dreamed that the church youth/uni groups were in my backyard at night and everything was lit by tiki lights like some Survivor show. And then people were running about and yelling. Robyn pointed to show me this shooting star that was streaking through the sky. And then I turned to my left and saw a vision of white horses and a chariot made up of stars and dust. They appeared to be very small and distant at first and suddenly got really close. I ducked and took this crazy picture of several of the horses flying across the sky. And I got these continuous visions of stars in different heavenly forms and I told Robyn who was too busy with the comets and stars to listen to me. See, even in my dreams, I have my camera. lol..
Last night I removed this comment from my previous entry because it was some random ad for naked women or something.. and then I had a dream that site started plaguing me with tons of ads in my comment boxes- up to 70 ad comments each day. And I had to relocate to another blog url. So sad. hhahha..

The Heart of an Artist

A man who works with his hands is a laborer; a man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman; but a man who works with his hands and his brain and his heart is an artist.

~ Louis Nizer

I love that quote. .heheh. Photograph of 'implied motion'. Trying to play up the tension between person and object with use of negative space. See what awesome pictures you can take with merely only a strong dorm light and a small Canon camera?

Grasping for the Past

I feel like there's so little time left to do anything with anybody. Last night I was lying in bed trying to remember what it was like when I was in New York after Tania left... When I was up by myself decorating and arranging things in my new apartment, blasting music, making baptism card and just talking to people on MSN because I was going to be home soon! And it's slipping through my fingers like turquoise beads. I can't grasp onto them any longer because I'm being pulled back to the present. I want it to be then- to feel that excitement and anticipation of going home. An adventure! Oh what would three months of summer have in store for me?


And it feels like it was way too short. Like I scraped the surface of all my church relationships that I've barely established and they all feel like they're standing on shaky foundations. How will I pick up the threads when I return in 3.5 months during Christmas? Who did I get to know well?
When I get back to New York, it's square one for me again. I have to find a church there. Start again.

Good Will Hunting Part Two.

You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other.

-Good Will Hunting (Sean's reponse to Will who had no desire to deepen his relationship with Skylar for fear of seeing flaws)

Great quote. So great I can't expand on it at the moment. Just let it sit in the mind. :)

I think one of the most powerful scenes from that movie was when Will was freaking out at Skylar when she confronted him about his fear of leaving Boston and going to California with her. Minnie Driver did some great acting there- I actually felt for her. And if I was placed in that position, I would have probably reacted and said the exact same things that she said and did. She looked so fragile but courageous and he- he looked so empty.

Towards the end of the film when Sean constantly told Will that it wasn't his fault, it reminded me of Peter and Jesus when He asked him if he loved Him and would take care of his flock thrice. I'm not sure how repetition helps and I still don't understand it but that's the Biblical parallel I saw between that and the film.

Some thing that struck me within Will's character was the irony with all that he said. In the beginning he proudly tells the 'intellectual' guy at the bar, who was trying to make Will's best friend look stupid, that "at least I won't be unoriginal."

But all that he says/quotes is from those 'soulmates' of his: Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, O'Conner etc. So how is he any different from that guy? He is only 'original' when he tries to fight against his genius by being a janitor and living in the same house in the same town which he then violates his uniqueness by becoming 'ordinary' and just like any of us and therefore his is unoriginal.

I guess he is 'original' among the realms of geniuses who end up at some corporation doing math formulas all day.

How dull. :P

Dang it, I left my brownies in the oven too long because I was searching all the quotes on Wikipedia. I hope it's not cakey. :( I made them for the AY crew since I used to make it for them all the time and we used to sneak it in class where it was strictly forbidden to eat during art.

I want a pair of spectator shoes.


Anyway after sewing lesson, I drove back to Value Village at 7:30pm to find Grace and Angie who were there since 6:30 (and we stayed until it closed at 9pm). Hahaha.. it was so funny making them try on things and Angie is so pro at three inch heels after Masquerade. I am impressed because I cannot wear anything that tall.
Yeah there were so many people there today.
$7.99- a pair of Fendi mules (dang it, they're vintage Fendi!)
Yeah so all this stuff I'm collecting that I don't plan on wearing- I'm just going to sell it one day. Or give away. I'm profiting off other people's obliviousness. Hehehe


Anyway I'm quite pissed off. My mom told me today she went into our garden shed and felt like something was missing. Someone (or some people) had the guts to go into our backyard through our gate and stole my dad's $600 bike and my bro's $300 bike. It was probably during our Ottawa trip. I want to kill that person. You have no right to do such @#%#$&#%&* thing. If I see any teenage guy biking around the neighbourhood on our bikes, I will seriously confront him. It has to be a guy- all the female bikes were intact. Hahaha.


I have a new respect for clothes (not like I didn't in the first place.. haha). I have been grueling over this blouse I've been working on for the past few lessons which is about halfway done and man, my teacher told me this blouse was extremely basic already. She once taught a blouse-making class and by the end, the ladies were saying how they didn't mind splurging on a $80 blouse with so much work put into it. Now you know why some clothes are so expensive. I was so surprised that blouses were so difficult to make.
Ugh.. if you ever took apart the blouse I'm making, there are at least ten layers within the collar. I dont think you can even begin to understand how detailed everything is unless you tried it yourself. I could never independently remake this.


Potentional Job Options Based on Sam's Strengths:
-Creative/Art Director
-Photographer
-Fashion Designer
-Writer/journalist/editor


I know, the last was totally off. I don't think I write well but I do like writing.
And when I retire, I want to run a little vintage boutique store as a hobby providing I'm well off enough that is. Haha.



"i like ur style. its like..out of the ordinary..but it still looks good" -Grace Chan commenting on my photography skills. Aw. :)

...Rockin a bag that's made by Coach.

Retreat attendees would understand the title reference though the first part was cut out and a word was changed to suit the purposes of this entry. ;)


Two Christmases ago, I received an expensive keychain from Coach (the wrapping was impeccable. It was so pretty that I drew it in a still life study. Glossy burgundy box with a thick lavender silk ribbon. Yum.) I became really into their merchandise. Tania can vouch for me- I used to collect their catalogs since I could only look at the stuff. But I never had that much money to spend on anything from there. Though Coach is a mid end designer company ($130-$700), it targets teens and young women for some less expensive products (relative to high end such as Chanel which run in the thousands) while maintaining their 'quality' of materials. Well an opportunity came last year when I went to HK for the summer, my mom's best friend was extremely generous and allowed me to purchase two items: one for my 18th birthday and one for graduating high school. I think the total limit was $3000 HK. Yeah, I've never received that much leeway on gifts before so naturally I was pretty darn excited.
I ended up getting a no-logo Coach (second to one I wanted but it wasnt available in HK some odd reason) and a Kate Spade.
The past year I've lost interest in the company (see, one bag did it for me! Cured my obsession haha... actually maybe it's because I can't afford it) and brand.
My number one reason? There's a Coach store located across one of the Parsons buildings which I used to walk by once a week.
The purse I got was summer of 2005. When I went to Yorkdale a few weeks ago I saw some of their bags of Fall 2006. Can you tell the difference?







Exactly. The left is the 'latest' one and the right is the one I got last summer. The only difference is that the newest one is bigger and the tags are a different colour and doesn't have those pompom things attached to them either and slight variations in colour and detail.
And I just lost respect for the company right there and then. They also came out with the same bag with a pink strap which is freaking ugly.
Do not recycle your old ideas and pretend they're something fresh and new. Freak. The CEO is from Parsons. Use your imagination for pete's sake. This guy is famous for turning the once boring, old Coach brand into something young and fresh (and it was for a time) and now it's gone downhill. He even won the prestigious CFDA award among fashions newest talents. Come on. Don't peddle your recycled wares like they're something totally new and avant garde when your followers have been closely watching every product that has been issued out. We're not stupid. I know you basically used the same ideas and just merely changed the colour hoping we'd already had forgotten the past year of bags. Or maybe they're just 'refining' their designs. Hm... Nothing has really impressed me as of yet.

Trickle Goes the Trends.

I was surfing around a few sites and was planning on going to Eatons with Lois next week (haven't gone since Christmas unless you count the time I went at 11pm to get to the subway) to see what has changed since I last went. Trying to be more open minded of some overpriced mass produced clothing companies who market their clothes by putting half nude guys and girls on their ads all snug and happy together *cough*Hollister*cough*, I went on their site to see what was up there and what design ideas they had for the coming season. And if you ever saw 'The Devil Wears Prada' there was a scene where Andy was snickering over their debate on which turquoise belt to use because they practically looked the same. Meryl Streep then starts blabbering about how her cerulean sweater came from Oscar de la Renta's spring collection of dresses two years ago that were based on the colour and how many designers followed en suite and soon trickled down to the 'lowly' stores for the general public where this sweater (which took the idea of using the colour) somehow landed in her closet. So somehow every piece you wear was designed to fit into a certain trend whether you care or not and from high end to low end.
Yeah and in the same way I just saw this Hollister tote bag and immediately thought of Louis Vuitton's 2006 canvas bag for their spring/summer collection. Of course they are not the same but they both are canvas with a big rectangle in the middle with the arched writing and something in the centre with two handles (with stripes mind you). Yeah I know, pointless post but I thought it was interesting. Trickle trickle.

Music Lessons.

Hm. I have had mixed thoughts on today. If you want my honest opinion the second half wasn't really great at all. The exhibition game was lagging and people were just tired and just watching some of their half hearted efforts was just annoying. I was just really cold and hungry by the end. And ended up sitting more at World Bowl and then went to bubble tea to sit some more.
I don't like bowling. I asked my sewing teacher the other day if her three daughters sew. She said no, and said it was common for children to not want to do the same thing as their parents so they don't have to measure up to them. My dad was apparently a great bowler in his earlier years. From what I remember he has won several trophies and used to take us out to bowl with him when we were little. Once he sprained his thumb on his second turn in a competition but kept playing and won second place trophy. My mom scolded him for irking his thumb even more.
Yeah so I don't like bowling. My dad used to try to teach us techniques on how to bowl and where to stand and how to finish but I never really wanted to learn.


The Violin.
I took violin lessons since I was in Grade 3 until Grade 12. And I expected to learn notes, scales, how to count etc... (did you know I never knew the quarter note was called that until Gr 9 theory? I just never learned terms but recognized stuff. Even now I am extremely lacking in theory. Can't remember how many sharps or flats etc).
But during my lessons back in Canada with a strict Russian teacher and his assistant teacher (who later became my main teacher because I was afraid of the Russian), I learned some interesting life lessons and more about myself.
When I'm uncertain of the notes and the tune, I usually try to play softly by lightening the bow but my teacher told me it just became a telltale sign that I was nervous and uncertain. She told me to play loud when I wasn't sure because hey, people may not tell the difference and if I did mess up, it would be just a few notes here and there.
I don't really remember much of those lessons but I know they were extremely backbreaking especially with my Russian teacher who basically drilled me and I died just standing there playing the same things over and over again for 1.5 hours.
Once he asked me whether or not my playing reflected my personality in terms of being an introvert and extrovert. He pointed out that though I was really quiet during lessons, I may be a totally different person with friends and family. He asked me if I ever got into some rape situation (and hopefully I will not) if I'd yell at the top of my lungs or if I'd stay still in fear. Some how he tied it in with how I was playing the violin- soft and timid and not vibrant and strong.
For a couple of exams I took, I had a piano accompaniment and at those times I felt extremely pressured to play well. Once he threw a chair in front of him because he was so frustrated at the earlier student (yeah I'm scared my old Russian teacher. He is basically Beethoven with a bad temper. He's great and I know he wants us to do well but I'm afraid of him). And I just had to give it my all- know what went next, be able to hear the melody before I played it, know the dynamics, shifts, changes in tempo etc... Let me tell you, the violin is all about the mind and more less the physical playing. It's all about preparing the mind to know what to do next.
And after I played one song, my body would just collapse from exhaustion. It's hard to explain if you don't play an instrument.
I found out my strength was slow songs and my weakness in fast songs. I just can't play notes fast- I can't let go of myself to allow my fingers to do the job. I try to grip onto every single sixteenth note and I just end up stumbling over myself. However in slow songs like the Thai Meditation (the most beautiful song ever) I can highlight every note. The hard thing about slow songs is that you have to sustain the richness of every note to its last breath before going onto the next one- you just can't rush. The note may start off with a beautiful vibrato but in your eagerness to get to the next note, the note will suddenly drop and deaden. My teacher said every bar was a golden nugget- it has to be polished, shined and cared for. It's about sustaining and lavishing attention on every single note. I think it's because I find slow sad songs more moving than fast crazy ones.
I also learned about the songs themselves that unravelled stories through the notes. 'The Swan' which is part of a whole series of 'Circus Animal' pieces (sorry I can't remember the French name of it.. crap. Anyway it was 'Le Cygne') was about a dying swan and there's one part my teacher pointed out that it was as if the swan was saying a last prayer and then fades away. If you've heard the song, you may understand.
I hate performing. Though as much as I'd like to join the worship team, I get extremely nervous (and my theory sucks). And when I get nervous my bow starts to shake and everyone knows because they can hear the inconsistencies. Once when I was on worship team, they asked me to play a really simple tune and I was so nervous I messed it up and kicked myself afterwards because it really was grade school easy. I just felt pressured. When I did the Easter service at RHCBC a few years ago, the hardest part for me was to do the duet with the flute player because I basically started the entire song with the piano softly playing at the back. You don't understand how much was going through my mind that time- I was trying to mentally prepare myself and to breathe slowly to prevent my arm from shaking. All I thought was "suck it up. Don't be nervous and breathe. Just play loud like your teacher said and they would never know you were scared. Just play confidently and strong." Omg and I was so happy because there was no shaking. Phew. Psychologically tiring though.
My teacher once said, your chain is only as strong as its weakest link.
Very true. She was applying this to the several bars in a piece I had problems with- just a couple of bars but every time I got to that part, I'd stumble. So though I was fine with the rest of the song, those bars just highlighted my weaknesses.
I think this could be applied to life as well but I don't care to make any connections at the moment.


I've noticed that fashion is about glamourizing the ugly or the uncool. And then when it becomes cool it quickly loses its appeal.

Busy Busy.

You know I'm not a feminist but I've noticed that there are some 'rules' our society has created on how women and men should act when they're sick, injured or have been recently operated on.
When women get sick, they have to suck it up and fulfill their family duties like cleaning and cooking.
When men get sick, they moan and groan like they got the plague and lie around on the couch watching tv.
The above is an example of my mom and dad.


When I got my wisdom teeth taken out, I was up and about by the next day.
My brother just got his taken out today and he was spewing blood on the couch and floor. He has been moaning and groaning like some wounded soldier since this morning.


The stupid thing is that when women express how they've been injured or hurt or how much pain they're in, they're seen as being a wuss or a girly girl who can't take any pain. Guys on the other hand? Dude they can take pain but they have to parade their wounds and make some dramatic gesture about how much it hurts.
Suck it up if you're so 'manly'.
Geez.


I went to Fabricland today and on the way there I had to stop at a traffic light. I was in the left lane and there was a car with two girls my age who wanted to come back in. I didn't see them signal and when the light turned green, they tried to pull left but I already pressed the gas pedal and they got pissed off at me and started waving their hands at me angrily. They then got behind me and cut back into the left lane. I was kinda freaked out.
It wasn't my fault but I was pretty shaken at the store.
I hate bad drivers. I did something stupid myself and I felt really bad after (due to long hours of sewing).
I also hate trucks.
Anyway at Fabricland after I calmed down a bit, I walked around looking for some fabrics for a future project (I'm really ahead of myself now. I have two projects on the go and I am sticking in a third).
So I brought two fabrics to be cut- one a green grey solid and the other a browny yellow plaid (yeah it looks kind of ugly. but you know how something can be so ugly it can actually be passed off as decent). I asked the lady who was cutting it if they matched. She gave me an absolute "no!" and made me go around to look at the other plaids to match the solid. I ended up getting the same plaid. She must think I'm crazy. I don't think it looks too bad but I've become desensitized to what is ugly because I think anything can be put together nicely.
So now I'm uncertain about the plaid but I'll use it anyway.


I went for two hours of sewing.. around 5:20 till 8. And then came home and did some more sewing. I feel so achy now.


Busy week:
Tues: Softball, Tania's house, cooking lesson at aunt's house
Wed: Sewing class
Thurs: AY get together, lunch with Duke friend before she leaves, sewing class
Fri: Salt (probably do some independent sewing)
Sat: Photo session (so unorganized right now. :S)
Sun: Church (wow no softball!)


Yeah... August is almost over. :( I feel like it just started

Murry's Law

I am so incredibly retarded. I was just finishing up unpacking my suitcase and what did I find? My red sunglasses. -_- After a wild goosechase yesterday for nothing.


There were three weddings that took place at the hotel on Saturday. It was insane. I got to see their banquet halls and they're ginormous and extremely grand. Except I didn't like how the bride, groom and I take their favoured few sat at a long table facing their guests. That's kind of lame. And I don't like fake lilies (fake flowers in general). My mom said I was really picky.
I saw this 60 year old lady guest dressed in a dove grey beaded dress. I wanted to take a picture of her or tell her she looked great but thought I'd sound really creepy.

A Dam of Swollen Thoughts

I started writing this post a little while ago and it has taken me till 11:30 to finish it. Since I was without Internet the past three days a lot of things have been accumulating in my head and if I don't pen the words down now, I will surely bust or even worse- forget them.


On Swearing
As I said in an earlier post, you can rationalize anything. You can say swearing is the means for dispelling anger or means of 'deeper communication' but I find it absolutely degrading.
I know I am sometimes tempted to swear or swear in my head and I try to control that and remain sensitized to foul language. It's hard. We often dismiss it as part of our culture- yet we are told not to be part of this culture.
I was listening to Mike Shinoda's 'Where'd You Go' and it was so beautiful with the woman's lyrical soft voice and all of a sudden I hear, 'sometimes I feel like s***' and my ears rung with pain. Sorry the song was just ruined for me after I heard all the swear words. Even my roommates agreed it wasn't necessary. It just tainted a beautiful composed song. I think that's with a lot of songs these days, it really is a disappointment.
And there are times where I really want to use an explicitive because I can't find a replacement for it so I use less-impact words. For example the word 'bitch' which now seems to refer to snotty, stuck up mean girls- well 'snobby' and 'mean' just doesn't have that impact or oomph that the former word does. But I'll sacrifice meaning and impact for the purity of my thoughts.
People have often asked me why I don't swear saying it's good to let anger out. Or they've tried to make me swear. Once my roomie thought I said 'shit' and it caused quite a fluster in the room when I really said something else.
You know how I judge a person I just met is Christian or not? By their words. Honestly (one reason why I admire Tania for keeping it pure though she has no religious reason to). Since I can't exactly say, "hello my name is Sam. I'm a Christian- are you?" I try to tell by their language.
I think their is a reason why we don't use explicitives in the church though some may say its the evolution of diction and language since it's become so common (even more common than some of the most beautiful words I think. Sad sad). I hate to use the WWJD question but I really cannot imagine Jesus carrying on one of his eloquent parable of the Master and the Talents and when he came to the part where the master became angry with the third servant said something like, "You lazy son of a b****, why didn't you put the money in the bank you !"
I think when you use an explicitive, the focus shifts to the actual word itself rather than the idea. it just detracts from everything.
I've read many blogs both from RHCBCers, random blogs and school friend blogs and I must say when people swear to maximize the impact of what they're saying- they try to convey how they feel but end up relying on explicitives and somehow the word 'shit' is supposed to do it all for them. What does 'I feel like shit.' really mean. Can you please expand?
I personally find the most articulate, eloquent writers and thinkers those that refrain from using bad language. Nobody cares to think anymore and have total reliance on explicitives to do the job for them.
Something I thought while driving back from Ottawa.


On Overt Sexual Dressing
The day we went to celebrate my mom's birthday at the teppanyaki restaurant, this petite Asian hostess came to greet us dressed all in black- black tank top and dress pants. She went to check if there was room in the teppanyaki bar and when she turned around all I saw was skin and a bunch of cords ricocheting across her bare back zig zagging across the entire surface. It was a hankerchief top- the ones where it basically looks like you tied a piece of scrap cloth to the front of your body and the back is left exposed. And the first thing I thought was "AH!!" and then after, "Chris, don't look!"
In Ottawa I saw a girl with spandex shorts where you could see the soft curve of her lower butt cheeks.
For pete's sake, cover yourselves. You're just screaming "Rape me!"
I think I'm starting to sound like a mother. :P
Human skin is more sensual than fabric. There is no question about that. Skin is replenished- self healing- it breathes. Fabric on the other hand, is man made, and when snagged, it's there forever. You can rip it, shred it and cut it. Yet skin is ever so delicate yet resistant at the same time (come on, walking on glass. Fabric wears down and fluffs and when you put it in the washer and dryer it shrinks, wrinkles and expands). You put me next to a girl with a denim mini and a tank top and she would surely be deemed more 'sexy'.
We were at the Rideau mall looking for a warm coat for me to wear during the cool nights and all the salesgirls were in booty shorts and halter tops with cleavage floating like canteloupes above their cut-out shirts and sky high heels and wedges. And I honestly felt like a 40 year old woman in some time warp next to them in my secondhand knee length dress where I wore two tank tops underneath to prevent the cold from coming in. They were probably in their early 20s or late teens and of course do not serve me because I don't fit the 'Urban Behaviour' image.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind girls dressing 'sexy' but their definition of 'sexy' seems to be the square footage of revealed skin while I find 'subtle sexiness' more intriguing by playing with cuts, shapes and fabrics.


On the Petite (cute) Asian Woman Fad
What's with men/boys and the 'petite Asian woman'? Oh yes, and 'cute'. We used to talk about this within the roomies why the little Asian girl was so popular. We always see guys with little Asian girls. They concluded it was some thing for childlike girls. lol. Alex just reminded me of this odd 'fetish' when we were watching 'Good Will Hunting' the other day and out of the blue while I was commenting on the cinematography he blurted out that "I'm (alex) really into small Asian girls now." And it took 10 seconds for me to actually comprehend what I was hearing and by then it was too late to comment on without sounding abrupt. As opposed to what? Tall Asian girls? What's the difference.... just that I'm not 'cute' in the sense of size and structure. Bah you men are so fickle. I know, they just find tall Asian girls intimidating. :P



I realize my posts are getting progressively shallow as I write. From the morality of swearing to clothes to petite Asian girls. Oh Sam.


On Happiness
A child's happiness is contagious. The light festival in Ottawa was short of spectacular but watching the children just lit my heart afire- brighter than any tealight candle lantern there was out there. They were just so filled with joy. They were rolling down hills of grass and going through a maze of lit tealights and buying tealight filled glass jars as lanterns. It was a pleasure to watch them having a time of their life in the simplest of pleasures.


I remember the days when I looked forward to going to my cousin's house for a sleepover because she had this playroom where there would be this huge box of clothes and we'd dress up. I don't remember when the last time I played 'dress up' but I think we've all been taught to be ashamed of such childish behaviour because it's so 'immature'.
Do you know how I stopped drooling? I drooled beyond the normal age of when kids stopped drooling? I had to attend a wedding when I was little and my mom got me this new dress and said it would be ruined if I had to wear a bib so she told me to stop drooling or else I'd dirty the dress. And somehow I was cured. HAHA. See, I've always liked clothes. :P


On Men and Women
I was having a mini argument with my mom in the car while driving home and I thought this: Women are like water. Men are like earth. It was just some random idea that occured to me. I don't think I can really explain this because it's more of a feeling than some solid evidence (not like anything I write here bears any solidarity anyway). Women are shapeshifters and adapt to new situations quickly. They are fluid in emotion and being. Water nourishes like women are the ones who give birth. Men on the other hand, are more 'stable' and grounded-
Wait this is starting to sound like some published book I probably read a few months ago and now am carrying its ideas as my own. Hahaha.. Sub consciously that is.


On Writing and Writers
I was looking at books at the store and couldn't help but admire those established writers who had beautiful thick hardcovers stocked on the shelves of Indigo. The greatest thing about writers is that they have an ability to touch and summarize humanity with all its pitfalls, desires, dreams, hopes and fears within beautifully assembled words. They can touch our hearts with printed ink. They can realize ideas and place them in bounded leaves. They can make us understand what it truly means to be man, woman, human, lover, philosopher, musician, artist, scientist, dreamer etc. I have respect for those fiction writers who dream up of the most absurd story but can leave us crying. Now that takes imagination: to be able to relate us back to these distant characters.

On Life after High School
Sometimes I really hate old high school friends. Especially when they try to act different and all cool after one year of university. People want to go to university so they can change- be someone different than what they were in high school. Instead of a nerd be a drinking party girl or someone popular. And it doesn't impress me at all. They try to shed their old skins for something new which also seems to mean discarding old high school friends.
I once read this interview a magazine did of Scarlett Johansson and she said that you are always the same person as you were 14,18,20. You don't change.
It's true. It really is. I've tried to escape from myself before since I've had so many opportunities when switching schools and countries and I've grown to understand you can't change drastically without falling. There were times I wanted to be the popular girl, the chatty social butterfly and have fallen back to my shy quiet self. But I've realized my strength in making friends isn't by throwing wild parties or going to clubs.
So when you start reconnecting with old friends, they try to act cool- the new them. My natural instinct is to also act 'cool'.
Ugh. And that's why I love the AY crew because they're so unguarded. They're exactly like Lois- they pursue you on MSN to chat and catch up with life, they act stupid and you feel comfortable to act stupid too, and they always ask you out to places. Even after a year of not seeing most of them, they're still the same. Perhaps more mature but still the same. No pretentions.
After coming back from a year of Parsons, many people told me I look more "New York" (I am assuming by how I dress). I think that was more of an evolution and interest than drastic change and it was certainly not because I wanted to be cooler. But beyond appearances, I am still the same. More mature definitely but still the same.