A Dam of Swollen Thoughts

I started writing this post a little while ago and it has taken me till 11:30 to finish it. Since I was without Internet the past three days a lot of things have been accumulating in my head and if I don't pen the words down now, I will surely bust or even worse- forget them.


On Swearing
As I said in an earlier post, you can rationalize anything. You can say swearing is the means for dispelling anger or means of 'deeper communication' but I find it absolutely degrading.
I know I am sometimes tempted to swear or swear in my head and I try to control that and remain sensitized to foul language. It's hard. We often dismiss it as part of our culture- yet we are told not to be part of this culture.
I was listening to Mike Shinoda's 'Where'd You Go' and it was so beautiful with the woman's lyrical soft voice and all of a sudden I hear, 'sometimes I feel like s***' and my ears rung with pain. Sorry the song was just ruined for me after I heard all the swear words. Even my roommates agreed it wasn't necessary. It just tainted a beautiful composed song. I think that's with a lot of songs these days, it really is a disappointment.
And there are times where I really want to use an explicitive because I can't find a replacement for it so I use less-impact words. For example the word 'bitch' which now seems to refer to snotty, stuck up mean girls- well 'snobby' and 'mean' just doesn't have that impact or oomph that the former word does. But I'll sacrifice meaning and impact for the purity of my thoughts.
People have often asked me why I don't swear saying it's good to let anger out. Or they've tried to make me swear. Once my roomie thought I said 'shit' and it caused quite a fluster in the room when I really said something else.
You know how I judge a person I just met is Christian or not? By their words. Honestly (one reason why I admire Tania for keeping it pure though she has no religious reason to). Since I can't exactly say, "hello my name is Sam. I'm a Christian- are you?" I try to tell by their language.
I think their is a reason why we don't use explicitives in the church though some may say its the evolution of diction and language since it's become so common (even more common than some of the most beautiful words I think. Sad sad). I hate to use the WWJD question but I really cannot imagine Jesus carrying on one of his eloquent parable of the Master and the Talents and when he came to the part where the master became angry with the third servant said something like, "You lazy son of a b****, why didn't you put the money in the bank you !"
I think when you use an explicitive, the focus shifts to the actual word itself rather than the idea. it just detracts from everything.
I've read many blogs both from RHCBCers, random blogs and school friend blogs and I must say when people swear to maximize the impact of what they're saying- they try to convey how they feel but end up relying on explicitives and somehow the word 'shit' is supposed to do it all for them. What does 'I feel like shit.' really mean. Can you please expand?
I personally find the most articulate, eloquent writers and thinkers those that refrain from using bad language. Nobody cares to think anymore and have total reliance on explicitives to do the job for them.
Something I thought while driving back from Ottawa.


On Overt Sexual Dressing
The day we went to celebrate my mom's birthday at the teppanyaki restaurant, this petite Asian hostess came to greet us dressed all in black- black tank top and dress pants. She went to check if there was room in the teppanyaki bar and when she turned around all I saw was skin and a bunch of cords ricocheting across her bare back zig zagging across the entire surface. It was a hankerchief top- the ones where it basically looks like you tied a piece of scrap cloth to the front of your body and the back is left exposed. And the first thing I thought was "AH!!" and then after, "Chris, don't look!"
In Ottawa I saw a girl with spandex shorts where you could see the soft curve of her lower butt cheeks.
For pete's sake, cover yourselves. You're just screaming "Rape me!"
I think I'm starting to sound like a mother. :P
Human skin is more sensual than fabric. There is no question about that. Skin is replenished- self healing- it breathes. Fabric on the other hand, is man made, and when snagged, it's there forever. You can rip it, shred it and cut it. Yet skin is ever so delicate yet resistant at the same time (come on, walking on glass. Fabric wears down and fluffs and when you put it in the washer and dryer it shrinks, wrinkles and expands). You put me next to a girl with a denim mini and a tank top and she would surely be deemed more 'sexy'.
We were at the Rideau mall looking for a warm coat for me to wear during the cool nights and all the salesgirls were in booty shorts and halter tops with cleavage floating like canteloupes above their cut-out shirts and sky high heels and wedges. And I honestly felt like a 40 year old woman in some time warp next to them in my secondhand knee length dress where I wore two tank tops underneath to prevent the cold from coming in. They were probably in their early 20s or late teens and of course do not serve me because I don't fit the 'Urban Behaviour' image.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind girls dressing 'sexy' but their definition of 'sexy' seems to be the square footage of revealed skin while I find 'subtle sexiness' more intriguing by playing with cuts, shapes and fabrics.


On the Petite (cute) Asian Woman Fad
What's with men/boys and the 'petite Asian woman'? Oh yes, and 'cute'. We used to talk about this within the roomies why the little Asian girl was so popular. We always see guys with little Asian girls. They concluded it was some thing for childlike girls. lol. Alex just reminded me of this odd 'fetish' when we were watching 'Good Will Hunting' the other day and out of the blue while I was commenting on the cinematography he blurted out that "I'm (alex) really into small Asian girls now." And it took 10 seconds for me to actually comprehend what I was hearing and by then it was too late to comment on without sounding abrupt. As opposed to what? Tall Asian girls? What's the difference.... just that I'm not 'cute' in the sense of size and structure. Bah you men are so fickle. I know, they just find tall Asian girls intimidating. :P



I realize my posts are getting progressively shallow as I write. From the morality of swearing to clothes to petite Asian girls. Oh Sam.


On Happiness
A child's happiness is contagious. The light festival in Ottawa was short of spectacular but watching the children just lit my heart afire- brighter than any tealight candle lantern there was out there. They were just so filled with joy. They were rolling down hills of grass and going through a maze of lit tealights and buying tealight filled glass jars as lanterns. It was a pleasure to watch them having a time of their life in the simplest of pleasures.


I remember the days when I looked forward to going to my cousin's house for a sleepover because she had this playroom where there would be this huge box of clothes and we'd dress up. I don't remember when the last time I played 'dress up' but I think we've all been taught to be ashamed of such childish behaviour because it's so 'immature'.
Do you know how I stopped drooling? I drooled beyond the normal age of when kids stopped drooling? I had to attend a wedding when I was little and my mom got me this new dress and said it would be ruined if I had to wear a bib so she told me to stop drooling or else I'd dirty the dress. And somehow I was cured. HAHA. See, I've always liked clothes. :P


On Men and Women
I was having a mini argument with my mom in the car while driving home and I thought this: Women are like water. Men are like earth. It was just some random idea that occured to me. I don't think I can really explain this because it's more of a feeling than some solid evidence (not like anything I write here bears any solidarity anyway). Women are shapeshifters and adapt to new situations quickly. They are fluid in emotion and being. Water nourishes like women are the ones who give birth. Men on the other hand, are more 'stable' and grounded-
Wait this is starting to sound like some published book I probably read a few months ago and now am carrying its ideas as my own. Hahaha.. Sub consciously that is.


On Writing and Writers
I was looking at books at the store and couldn't help but admire those established writers who had beautiful thick hardcovers stocked on the shelves of Indigo. The greatest thing about writers is that they have an ability to touch and summarize humanity with all its pitfalls, desires, dreams, hopes and fears within beautifully assembled words. They can touch our hearts with printed ink. They can realize ideas and place them in bounded leaves. They can make us understand what it truly means to be man, woman, human, lover, philosopher, musician, artist, scientist, dreamer etc. I have respect for those fiction writers who dream up of the most absurd story but can leave us crying. Now that takes imagination: to be able to relate us back to these distant characters.

On Life after High School
Sometimes I really hate old high school friends. Especially when they try to act different and all cool after one year of university. People want to go to university so they can change- be someone different than what they were in high school. Instead of a nerd be a drinking party girl or someone popular. And it doesn't impress me at all. They try to shed their old skins for something new which also seems to mean discarding old high school friends.
I once read this interview a magazine did of Scarlett Johansson and she said that you are always the same person as you were 14,18,20. You don't change.
It's true. It really is. I've tried to escape from myself before since I've had so many opportunities when switching schools and countries and I've grown to understand you can't change drastically without falling. There were times I wanted to be the popular girl, the chatty social butterfly and have fallen back to my shy quiet self. But I've realized my strength in making friends isn't by throwing wild parties or going to clubs.
So when you start reconnecting with old friends, they try to act cool- the new them. My natural instinct is to also act 'cool'.
Ugh. And that's why I love the AY crew because they're so unguarded. They're exactly like Lois- they pursue you on MSN to chat and catch up with life, they act stupid and you feel comfortable to act stupid too, and they always ask you out to places. Even after a year of not seeing most of them, they're still the same. Perhaps more mature but still the same. No pretentions.
After coming back from a year of Parsons, many people told me I look more "New York" (I am assuming by how I dress). I think that was more of an evolution and interest than drastic change and it was certainly not because I wanted to be cooler. But beyond appearances, I am still the same. More mature definitely but still the same.