Spurts of Thoughts

-I'm having issues writing an exposition on Burke's take on the sublime and beautiful- my mind just won't focus. I already know I'm getting a C: he told us all we were getting C's even if we dont' try. My pride makes me try but I'm not motivated either.

-I can't believe I'll be 20 in a matter of two weeks. Guess I'll have to stop
taking my metabolism for granted since it's gonna drop another 7% (by decade). :P I'll eat my birthday cake and stop with all the sugar. Haha. I'm a little surprised that I'm actually looking forward to be able to say that I'm twenty. Perhaps it's because all my friends are in their early to mid twenties, I just want to be in that stage. '19' sounds really young though I'll cherish the last few days of my 'teenhood'.

-How do you comfort someone stricken by grief? I just sit there not doing anything or touching them and let them know I'm there. I find it's not possible to really help someone who is grieving since it's an internal thing which can only be overcome by the 'griever' herself. I think this is the best solution though it may appear very stand offish and cold. We often approach someone who is clearly unhappy by asking if they're okay- obviously they are not- but it's a useful one liner to substitute a blatant "what's wrong?" which can come off as a little too strong.

-I can't get over my experience at the sakura matsuri festival. God's beauty leaves a lasting impression on me. I just stare at the photographs and wished it was that day again. I really want to go back. I think I may.

-I like what Burke says when he addresses the issue of novelty to satiate curiosity:

"But as those things which engage us merely by their novelty, cannot attach us for any length of time, curiosity is the most superficial of all the affections; it changes its object perpetually; it has an appetite which is very sharp, but very easily satisfied; and it has always an appearance of giddiness, restlessness and anxiety. Curiosity from its nature is a very active principle; it quickly runs over the greatest parts of its objects, and soon exhausts the variety which is commonly to be met with in nature..."

Fashion is very much a novelty. I hope people don't see this blog as a novelty nor I- something I'm a little scared of.

- Looking back since last summer retreat, I feel like I've progressed in terms of socializing and being more active- bring on the awkwardness :P. I've slowly been able to accept these one on one starter conversations and learning how to.. just show interest in others. The great thing about working on the Hands Crew (setting up and taking down worship stuff) is that we get to hear them practice a little before everyone else gets into the sanctuary- it feels like almost a private worship session just for us.

- People ask if you have any regrets in life. My answer to that is no- you learn from your mistakes and you deal with it. They make you a better person and that's how you grow and mature. How else could you go through life if you were in a constant state of regret? Okay I wish I had put more effort into church relationships, wish I had been less shy about it all and been more active at church but I never knew what I know now so though I see how my passivity and everchanging church life has 'hurt' my friendships with church people, I see how I can remedy all that.

-In two days I made this one song go from zero to #14 on my 'Top 25 Most Played': 129. I can only do this with more abstract songs with less lyrics and more instrumental which leaves the imagination to its own whim.

-I want this to be a good summer. I don't know how though considering I'm not the most ideal employee. I was looking at pictures of when we were all in high school and I began to wish we were back in UHS and all when things remained the same for four years straight- no one really moved or left the social circles. Now friends are busy studying and taking their Mcats, others traveling or going away. I live too long in the past. I think I'll miss New York when I leave this time which is a good sign.
We shall see. :)

A Canopy of Blossoms

Please click the pictures for more detailed beauty.
In the course of six hours spent at the garden, I took 142 pictures. LOL.
It was so beautiful. I jumped at the news of a cherry blossom (sakura) festival down in Brooklyn for this weekend. Robyn and I decided to screw work for the day and went to enjoy the absolute beauty of the cherry blossoms (NB. I decided to dress in pink to further enhance the festivities :P). Of course it was not as fantastic as the ones in Japan (as I would imagine) but since I'm in school and have no time to fly over, I'll settle for this. :P

Sigh. I brought some leftover fabric and we both brought a lot of snacks. I tried to read my philosophy book there and we basically just laid the fabric down and chilled/slept. It was so peaceful though there were tons of people all trying to get pictures with a few flowers and groups of cosplayers dressed up as anime or lolita girls.
It was a wonderful day of just- returning to nature after living in a concrete jungle for so long. Taking off the shoes and feeling the soft grass between your toes and the slight dampness of the moisture on your skin, the light of the sun dancing across the petals, the canopy of blossoms shielding you from the harshness of the sun and the cool breeze kissing your cheeks.... it was so lovely. I just fell asleep.
That would be a great place to have a first date.
The performances were great- with a really entertaining Japanese MC who taught us traditional games and tongue twisters. We watched the koto and shamisen instrument performances and the kimono fashion show where they had an obi demonstration.
I feel very relaxed now.

Painting the Sky Silver// The People of Impact// Word Play Conversation

Painting the Sky Silver

Today was very much needed. Today I realized something.
Well before all that, Jess and I got manicures and pedicures. I know eh, so girly. I don't understand why I feel so guilty for doing girly things. It's absolutely ridiculous how much.. shame(?) that's involved that I don't even want to talk about those kinds of things. Anyway so now we're both sporting silver fingernails and nude with a tint of pink toenails: 'Birthday Babe' and 'Sweet Heart'. The first name makes me shudder. What I wanted originally was more of a gunmetal silver- darker with more shades of grey undertones alas all they had were paler silvers. It was either that or some shade of black.
Anyway, after all the lavishing on my digits, I ended up helping someone wash all the burrito covered dishes and getting my hands all dirty again. Oh well.
While we were getting our nails done, I felt really bad for the woman who was doing them. I know it's a profession, but when she's soaking my feet in water with rose petals in them, I feel like a disciple getting my feet washed by Jesus. Lol. I kept apologizing to her although I was paying.
If you want to know if manicures, pedicures, facials are relaxing... they're not. It's like getting your teeth cleaned.
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People of Impact
So... yeah. Since my cousin is leaving Parsons (I assume you all should go to her blog for an entry on it) and moving a few hours away to another college, I found out when I went to small groups; my initial reaction to it all was "congratulations!". It was no surprise that she got in but I felt like I still had to brace myself for reality.
I guess God brings people into your life for different reasons. In this instance I see it that God brought Robyn to New York to help me transition from a church in which I was stagnant in and brought me to Remnant where I'm currently a lot more at ease with. And since she has fulfilled that 'purpose' in my walk with God, she's off to continue fulfilling her own purpose in terms of career.
This is going to sound lame but I feel like the awkward baby deer that is trying to walk on its spindly legs- I've managed to get up and stand and am taking baby steps. From there on, all I have to do is practice until I'm firmly rooted in the church. I no longer need that crutch to help me stand.

Today was a very good way to end this year of Small Groups. We first went around volunteering to say something encouraging to another person. It was a little awkward and slow at first but slowly people began to open up and say how much they appreciated another person. The funny thing that I saw in all this was Deborah. She's someone who I don't really know that well but when I talked to her, I felt an instant connection. She's one of those girls who I find embodies that quiet, gentle, beautiful spirit and weighs her words carefully and is kind to everyone- she's honestly a gem. Anyway, she pipes up and decides to talk about me, to my surprise, saying how she loves how she's seen me grown in the church as a newcomer- eager to help and serve and going to small groups regularly at the end. I felt a little hypocritical at the same time because there were times when I didn't want to go to small groups at all but was kind of forced to and the primary reason why I decided to help out doing backstage stuff for the worship team was because Robyn volunteered and I just tagged along with her. I guess my motives weren't the greatest and I felt a little... ashamed? But I was humbled by her compliments (if you can call them that)- or by how she viewed me.
After that, our small group leader, Mizy, decided to do this thing where we'd all pray for each individual as a collective and the person on the left of the 'prayer target' would close by saying a few words for the person. Wow it was amazing. I went first and I can say that this year I've seen how passionate people can be when they pray. I'm used to the whole quiet thing and they were just crying out to God. It was very encouraging- a little reminder of what it was to be part of the Body and the power of collective prayer.
Yeah.. I feel like the cause of my involvement at church was due to the possibility that Robyn may leave. Crappy motive but I think it takes a little shove to get me out there at times because I'm generally a pretty passive person. Looking back, my freshmen year church may have been a perfect fit if I had tried to be more outgoing. However I didn't know what I know now, so no regrets.
So Robyn, thanks. Although it's been a little struggle accepting the fact that you are and will be leaving, I'm grateful for the time you did spend here in Manhattan. That $42k was not wasted.

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Word Play Conversation
I thought this was really funny. Excerpt of a conversation with Kevin yesterday concerning his placement in Japan:


[ k | ] says: omg
[ k | ] says: on the facebook group
[ k | ] says: for that beach place im goin in the summer
[ k | ] says: we're talkin about stuf to do
[ k | ] says: this BLACK BRITISH dude says
[ k | ] says: "lets bust out the MJ man'
[ k | ] says: i just diedd laughing
[ k | ] says: and im pretty sure MJ means the same thing all ovr the world
§åM says: michael jackson?
[ k | ] says: MAHJONG
§åM says: LOL omg
[ k | ] says: man, and i thought no one cud guess that wrong
[ k | ] says: rofl
§åM says:hm I was a little off
[ k | ] says: ALITTLE?!

Moral of the story: do not assume everyone of the same race understands you. :P
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Another Gladiator Promotion// Funny Stuff// Constructing Self Realities: The Fictional Self of Physical Beauty

Dum dum dum... listening to Gladiator soundtrack by Hans Zimmer again. It's just pure genius the score itself. I watched it a few years later it came out in cinemas since people told me it was a 'guy movie' but it really is not. I fell in love with it when I first watched the introductory battle scene and everything was so perfectly timed. aerarjken. The costumes and sets were great- I want a helmet with a face as a shield and walk around in huge marble palaces. haha. Favourites scenes have to be the first battle scene no doubt and the scene of their first group match against the 'legionaires of Scipio Africana'. Talk about chills- I get chills from watching this movie. I'd to purchase the two disc set to watch special features since my parents have the single disc held hostage back at home. This film would definitely be in my top five films to watch along with:

Requiem for a Dream
Good Will Hunting
LOTR trilogy
Moulin Rouge

Haha the last one doesn't seem to fit into the same genre as the others. These are movies that I don't watch constantly because they're so rich, you can just have it once in a while and be satisfied.
I think it's time to watch this one again when I return.
Okay I think I've raved enough about this movie to last a lifetime.

--------------------------------------------

Oh this is hilarious:
http://www.xanga.com/mileschen/565847696/from-friends-to-more-than-just-friends.html
I enjoyed the small jab at Joshua Harris and his diagram at the bottom.

On Facebook there's a group called "If It's Less Than Three Floors, Walk It, Bitch" Probably nobody understands this unless you're a Parsons student. You see, we have about five elevators that go up to the 12th floor and when everyone is going and entering the building with their huge projects... as you can see, it's really hellish- you end up becoming comfortable with rubbing bodies with other fellow students because after 15 minutes of lateness, you're absent. And three absences is an automatic failure of the course. So what's a little body contact when your grade is at stake?
Or as the group calls it, "Sardines in Estrogen". LOL.
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Constructing Self Realities: The Fictional Self of Physical Beauty

Disclaimer: When I started this portion of the entry, I wasn't expecting anything really long but after writing this I've realized that many girls do not talk about physical appearance and their issues with self acceptance. Is it true then, that all girls are satisfid with how they look? At least Christian ones right? No. Perhaps this is because they're afraid of getting churchy answers or they're just fulfilled in God's love. Yet I've decided to lay it all down here- things that I would never have spoke about before because I don't like talking about my physical flaws but find it necessary in order to put some value into it. Yes I've tried talking about it but I just don't see anyone who is fit to really weigh my words for what they are and not what they should be.

As I said in constructing self realities, this is particularly true on the internet. I was talking to someone over MSN on the sadness of developing relationships through this medium and he said that it allows us to control what people see in us.
I think this is particularly true in my case- I'm somewhat guarded about how much 'stuff' people see in me. Perhaps everyone thinks I'm a little too open about things but in truth, I'm just afraid of people seeing too much of the fluff- the outer shell so I balance this by writing here. Ironically- okay I can't explain all the contradictions without putting them in disparate bullet points:

1) I care about physical appearances
2) I don't want people to know me for my physical appearance
3) I dislike the fact that physical appearance is such a big factor for guys (read the xanga post above on attraction)
4) I like talking on MSN and blogging because it emphasizes on conversation over physical appearance
5) I dislike talking on MSN and blogging because there's no physical connection

Quite contradictory phrases. To put it bluntly, I know I don't have the most beautiful face- I know a lot of girls who have lovelier faces. Friends have told me my eyes are too close together making me look cross eyed, kids have looked straight at me and asked why my teeth are discoloured (due to intake of fluorine as children) and facialists have always clucked at my plagued skin. Thus, to achieve an equilibrium, I balance this out with the clothes I wear (the only thing that I could do would be plastic surgery but I'm obviously not going in that direction). I never really had the greatest self esteem but growing up as a teenager I realized that I can play up to my advantage by the clothes I wear since I have more of what society calls the 'ideal' frame. Since I know what works with my body type and am more adventurous and creative than the average Joe, it helps distinguish me from everyone else. Though I do think clothes are a way of expressing what I love, I also find it a way to almost distract people from the face- or perhaps make up for what I believe to be lacking in. Perhaps that is why I don't really buy makeup- I see no point in it because it does nothing for me save a little concealer and eyeliner. I can't change what I was born with but I can change what I wear.

Clothes give me confidence.
Shallow isn't it?
'Uh- Sam- shouldn't God be the source of your confidence? You are standing on shaky ground.'
Yes I know but I can't deny the fact that I find confidence in it- just like how some people are confident because they play basketball well or have the brains to excel in organic chemistry, I find confidence in fashion/design/art. Ironically, I don't like to talk about physical appearances at all- sometimes when it's not about me but about giving 'advice' to others on how to dress but I usually feel embarrassed or ashamed when the attention is to me.

I know my Christian friends are probably shaking their heads as they read this but this is me. This is what I really think- none of those 'Bible thumping' answers, none of those 'right, godly' answers. I'm not perfect. And I can't just deny the fact that I feel this way. I can give you the Bible answers: the whole 'God loves me', 'I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God'. I know all that. I memorized all of Psalm 139 so people don't have to repeat it to me. This blog is what I want to say- what I feel and not what I should say- not what things should be. How can they be something they're not? Sometimes when people try to shove a 'right' answer down my throat, I just see it as a way to avoid really trying to understand the person and putting some gloss over the wound- some cookie cutter answer that is supposed to solve every single person's problems. The other day I was trying to talk about my esteem issues with someone and the person just gave me really Christian answers- answers that I already knew of and didn't need. Although I appreciated the person's care and concern, it felt like they were trying to numb something I was feeling. I felt like they were just trying to win me over with Christian answers- win a religious debate. Thus I just agreed with everything the person said because I didn't need a debate- I just wanted someone to listen, understand and give something personal.

Somehow church and Christian books/magazines have drilled in my head about innerward beauty (some verse in 1 Peter- I have a poster of that verse at home next to my mirror- haha) and somehow I thought guys would be more attracted to the inward. I remember reading many issues of the Christian girl magazine, Brio, which interviewed about ten guys every so often to ask what they looked for in a wife and the answer was always 'godly, Christian woman who loves God more than anything.' So whenever I read stuff otherwise that was not that answer I told myself to believe that it was untrue. Somehow I was in denial and wanted to believe that physical appearances didn't matter. I wanted to believe that men were better in a sense that they- I don't know how to say it- but somehow see past physical appearance. The past few months have told me otherwise- that physical beauty is extremely important. Now I laugh at my own naivete; knowledge really has made me miserable.
I guess in a way that's why I blog- to display another facet of my being. Moreover, another way to create a distraction for what I believe is not the most beautiful face.

There are times when I look around at the girls around me and wish that if I had her face, I'd be 'perfect' (talking in a physical sense)- and that perhaps I'd have a boyfriend by now. For those girls who do have boyfriends, I always tell myself it's because they have a lovely face. I'd tell myself that I was created in the image of God and for a while, I'd feel okay with it. Then there are times I just can't look into the mirror without sighing in exasperation yet suppress those 'sinful' feelings and start quoting Bible verses to numb them. I guess that's why I hate taking pictures and seeing them. I realized this when I got Facebook- any of my friends can tag the ugliest pictures of me and I have little control over it. Like MSN and blogger which allow me to control what I want people to know about me without making their own judgements, my self photographed portraits are in a sense, a way of controlling what people see in the physical me. Friends have told me what pretty pictures I take, yet they see one in thirty ugly/mediocre ones. And I laugh at myself because these frozen images are only a mere fraction of a 360 degree me. And what if people got so used to those touched up, doctored images and they saw me and realized how plain I really was? I can't help but laugh at this whole matter wryly; the very thing that I sought to display beauty has jeopardized my reality. I've created a fictional self- oh that perfectly describes it. Self constructed realities indeed.

Feeling Wistful

Yeah I know this is a little unnatural- to not see the daily posts.
I don't know.
My mind has just drawn a blank- consumed by other thoughts.
I'm slowly falling apart since the semester is drawing a close- I'm not clean at all- I've hardly vaccuumed the floors and there is paper and crap all around my bed. Clothes are strewn around and I don't know where anything is. I know it sounds quite trite, but personally that's how I hold things together. Organization keeps me sane.

Today was lovely. It was a high of 28 degrees and sunny- girls broke out the dresses and heels. I got the funniest compliment from my gay Body Garment teacher as he tried to tell me and Mona (another girl in Chanel flats) that we were 'fashionista role models' for our class to follow and trying to tell me that I should dress more the way I do because it "accentuates your hips and long legs." I burst out laughing when I saw his gestures trying to imitate the shape of hips and they all peer pressured me into standing up and spinning for a 360 view.

If you want to know how I procrastinate this is how I do things: right after a very boring marketing class, I went to the grocery store and loaded up, went home and baked a 10 inch wide citrus poppy seed cheesecake- had to juice the lemons and limes, crush graham crackers for the crust and all. It was really tiring. I just slumped on my bed after and watched several episodes of 'A Million Stars Falling From the Sky'. After watching the characters relishing their udon noodles, I made my roommate go to St Marks with me to eat. Big mistake of the day was wearing heels- now the skin has become loose on the side from the friction and it hurts. Stopped at the grocery store again to get some whipped cream and hobbled home to try the cheesecake. It's pretty good though I'd add more lemon juice next time for a little more zing. I took out my violin and played for a while so now the fingers on my left hand are aching as well as my feet.
Really, the more I try and think, the more I realize how difficult it is to throw yourself into an instrument and convey meaning and emotion while playing in tune and on beat. It's really hard. To play the violin well, it's an extremely difficult feat to accomplish.
Yeah so I finished another Japanese series. Overall today was lovely since I didn't do homework but mixed in with the guilt, it dampened the day. I think watching all these shows is taking away from blogging but it's okay since....
Well I just thought that people complain how people blog way too much to keep up on so I've held back. I also have little to say publically.
I'm just wistful.
A little.... sad.
I want to love.

Dancing the Night Away/ Earth Day/ Severing the Strings of the Heart

I'm addicted to two Japanese songs. This is going to be bad. I blame it all on Kevin's Japanese tv shows. 'Mighty to Save' is already up at 143 times on Itunes. LOL.
***
Dancing the Night Away
Well I'm back from celebrating a friend's birthday at a club. My ears feel like they got stuffed with cotton; I can't really hear as well as I could.
I tasted a little of a mojito- it was pretty good.
I danced a little but the music was a little lame or unfamiliar to my ears.

Personally I don't think the club scene is bad- I say this because my motives there isn't to dress skanky or to grind with guys or to pick up anyone or to get drunk. I just go as a social thing with friends once in a while so it's not really on my conscience. I was again in that awkward social situation- sandwiched between two guys I did not know and thirteen of the birthday girl's friends. It was fine though- met a few more people from around the area.
What can I say- clubbing is an expensive hobby. I was looking at the cocktail list which charged $14 a pop. I'd rather spend all that cash on clothes.
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Earth Day
Today it was 25 degrees celcius. Wonderful, I know, with blue skies and a little breeze. However though I'd love to rejoice it's only frickin April.
I'm afraid for this world. If it's already 25 degrees now can you imagine what New York City will be like in sweltering August?
The past Friday, a former roommate of mine asked me what I was studying again and if I ever heard of 'Freegans'- people who basically live off of people's garbage and throwaways.
Suddenly she freaks out and says,
"Sam after you graduate, save the world!"
I laughed and said I'd try.
Ladies and gentlemen, please believe that this is not normal. Though we may celebrate the fine weather, remember that this has bigger implications of an issue at large we all must deal with. Pull out the flip flops, the sundress and the shorts but remember weather like this is not natural.
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Severing the Strings of the Heart
I hate getting sentimentally and emotionally attached to people. When I develop a certain fondness for a person, it's hard for me to let them go. The immature side of me wants to just push them away to avoid feeling that emptiness inside- to know they're no longer there. And yet I feel like in order to live my life to its fullest, I have to persevere and push forward to just get as deep as I can into a relationship despite that developed instinct to pull away. I know in my head that
Am I living life to its fullest in the present? No.
There are things I wish I could say, people I wish I could talk to and things that I could do. Yet I lack the courage- always reined in by fear.

I know I sound really vague but... yeah.

The Beauty in the Awkward

Wow in just two days I finished one entire Japanese tv series called 'One Litre of Tears'. I expected I would literally cry but I guess it didn't move me in that way to do so. It was a sad story though. Lol, Joseph just called me a 'frigid woman' for not tearing up. Funny that guys cry when watching this series and I did not. Oh well.
I went back to Marc Jacobs yesterday with my roomie to buy a classmate a gift. It was just lovely strolling under the shade of trees in bloom like freshly fallen snow like powder on the branches. The walk there is peaceful- you can actually hear the birds chirping and the cafes speckled with customers leisurely consuming their french onion soup.
We stopped at Magnolias to get banana pudding and I just had to snap a picture of the cupcakes. :P I will forever look like a tourist in New York City.
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The other day I was thinking of a title for a post and the phrase "painted veil" came to mind. I knew it was some movie so I IMDBed it to check out the plot (hey Edward Norton is in it :D) and ended up going to Blockbuster to rent it (comes out next month). Anyway, on the top of their extremely beautiful poster with China as its backdrop, it reads:

"Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people"

Prior to that in our small groups we were asked to draw the closest distance between two objects and the farthest distance between two objects. I drew two fuzzy galaxies to represent the farthest and two puzzle pieces for the closest.
But looking at the poster made me think that perhaps the distance between two people is the farthest and greatest distance that one could dare to venture out on.
We often run from situations and problems that make us feel uncomfortable or awkward- our natural instincts compel us to remove ourselves from those settings. Today I was thinking of my birthday and how I'd celebrate it. It's probably going to be quite uneventful due to the fact that exams/finals go on throughout that whole week. This year I made small pockets of friends here and there; I have the roomates from 5A, my AAS friends and a few church people. I've always avoided meshing them together in one party to avoid the awkwardness and the 'clashes' between groups whenever I host an event. So in the past, every birthday I had about three events to accomodate every group of friends.

This year I have been more open to these awkward social situations. As much as I despise that feeling of discomfort, I know that the worst that could happen is that I'd end up with a bunch of broken, disconnected conversations. But at least I would be able to get out, meet people, see their face just in case I saw them in the future and improve my small talk skills.
The reason why people dislike being in such social situations is because a bond/relationship has not been established. With only the present to use as a tool, they have no history to look back upon which makes it difficult since there is no common ground beyond the event that brought them together. In order to establish that relationship, people are forced our of their comfort zones and perhaps, even pretentiously, have to portray themselves a certain way to feel more at ease with the situation.
Fake you say? Pretentious people with larger-than-life smiles plastered on their faces hoping to show people how nice they are?

I disagree.
Take for example, MSN Messenger. Does ':P' mean I'm literally sticking my tongue or more of a means to an expression- to further convey a sense of what I'm feeling within? Do you really 'laugh out loud' when someone says something funny or is it more to show that mutual feeling towards a thing/event/object? Better yet, 'rofl' heightens this mutual feeling of laughter/joy which is beyond 'lol' on the hierarchy of online abbreviations- one does not literally start rolling on the floor cackling.
Similarly, to convey a sense of openness towards others, people smile a lot to show that they're friendly. Perhaps they don't really smile like that all the time but in such social situations which is unfamiliar to them, the inner feelings are manifested through physical action and expression. We often hear people tell us, "you look pissed because you're not smiling." Though you may actually be in a state of indifference and not anger, you appear unapproachable with a 'doom' expression on your face. To counter this effect, people smile a lot in unfamiliar social settings to compensate for the little relations they have with one another.
Small talk may seem quite shallow and forced, but it lays the foundations of a relationship. All friendships be great, deep, shallow or small all have roots in awkward social settings. One does not just bump into another and realize how they are meant for each other. To grow a plant, you place a seed in an unfamiliar setting and let it adjust to the soil. With time, the plant develops roots, growing and blossoming. I don't think I need to say that friendships are just like that- just that shoot out faster than others.

I think as we grow older, the less we want to place ourselves in such awkward social situations because we've become so rooted within our own circle of friends we forget what it's like to place ourselves in foreign soil and what it felt like to start from scratch relational wise. We also compare these social scenes with sound friendships and become dissatisified with the shallowness and false airs of the new social scene.
So to conclude this, do not so lightly dismiss people's over-friendliness as pretentiousness and fake personas, but means to potentially start some rock solid friendships.

Paying Respects to a Man of the Virginia Tech Tragedy.

The ironies in life.
I was watching the news after America's Next Top Model (har har).
One of the professors at Virginia Tech grew up during WW2- a Holocaust survivor who went through labour camps- fought for his life to live.
And on Monday he laid down his life for the safety of his students. As one of his former students said, you really did see the measure of a man in him through this act of selflessness.
I thought, "man those students who survived because this man sacrificed himself better do something meaningful with their own lives."
Then it dawned on me that I better do something with purpose because someone already laid down His life for me.
It may sound cheesy but it's true.
I think the Gladiator soundtrack music would be fitting of this man.

Gladiator: the soundtrack of my life// Marc Jacobs Love//The Painful Process of Weaning

Sitting in a pool of markers, fabric swatches and paper- I'm taking a break inbetween Fashion Industry: Design to write a bit. I've done 10.5/12 figure illustrations. :D

Sigh. So it seems like I may have to take it to the dean with this whole Body Garment class because my roommate and I bumped into her advisor in the elevator and the first thing he says is "sorry."
Frick.
I shouldn't be forced to take a class that's not mandatory.
On the bright side, my advisor has stepped down as head of my program and going on Sabbatical in the fall so perhaps she won't be my teacher after all. Hehehe.
***
Well for any New Yorkers out there, Marc Jacobs is selling knee high rainboots for $7. With the weather we experienced on Sunday- rainboots are a necessity unless you take cabs all day. So Jess and I went over (since class got cancelled anyway- I know I'm very productive with my time of grace) and spent $30 on small gifts for a few Torontonians. :D Naturally I will be taking my paintbrush to the boots to make them unique.
***
Bah as projects escalate, social events are on the rise to mark the end of another school year: birthday celebrations, get togethers with old friends and our church's senior banquet (since I'm on this fast I'll have to figure something appropriate that falls under 'semi formal' without buying anything). There simply isn't enough time to do everything that I want to without sacrificing the quality of my school work. I guess it's good- opportunities for me to get out more rather than staying holed up this mole hill I live in.
***
I just had a sudden urge to listen to Gladiator- perhaps because I feel like Maximus fighting our stupid school adminstration to not take a stupid course. :P It was the soundtrack of my life back in grade 11- as soon as I boarded the school bus, I'd just listen to the cd over and over again. The sad thing is is that with movies like LOTR and Gladiator, if you gave me the music, I could probably tell you what scene was being unfolded. What can I say? Gladiator was just a stunning movie. I don't really like Russell Crowe but he was just amazing as Maximus. Movies like LOTR and Gladiator are rare- there are so many crappy, not-worth-watching films out there.
***
Lesson from Moulin Rouge: In the beginning scenes of the film, Christian sits down at his typewriter to write about love. It occurs to him that he'd never been in love so how was he supposed to write about something he has not experienced in his life?
***
I've always been attracted to photographs of the obscure. Not disabled or disfigured but shrouded some way in light which makes or breaks a photograph. The past couple of weeks I've been looking at light in an artificial setting in a series of self portraits shot with my small Pentax set on a timer. Perhaps it is because I was never really fond of my face, I can't look at my self portraits for very long before I get sick of them and thus have to change the image constantly. Narcisstic? Perhaps but I'm usually the one behind the lens so if it means using a camera on timer, why not.
***
I initially was excited to return to Toronto for the summer. Now I'm a little apprehensive about it all and am wondering if I should have stayed in New York for a while longer before returning. With people moving around, friends are leaving or have plans that are beyond home, I'm left wondering what I'd fill those days with if everyone is gone. Perhaps I should have stayed a month longer and strengthened my friendships here and got involved more with the church rather than dropping all things to try and pick up the threads which were left off in January.
Yet who knows what God has in store for this summer- I saw great potential and now I'm hesitant.
Perhaps it is time to wean myself from that old life- is it not worth pursuing any longer? Should I look elsewhere? Perhaps this will be the last summer that I spend in Toronto- who knows? I want to be in Hong Kong or China the following year.
Here thus commences the slow and painful process of weaning- giving up on things that I desire, hoped and dreamed of.
Sigh.
Now We Are Free.

My Friendship with Andrew

Puaha this is going to be my funniest post ever:

So I was talking to Andrew about how difficult it is to talk to really beautiful people because they just look so intimidating. He says it's like the same issues with ugly people however worse with really attractive people because people keep sneaking glances of you: what a lonely life.
This is where the good part comes in:

"we may not be as good friends right now cuz of the very thing you said about how you can't talk to very attractive guys"

I asked him what he was implying. Ready for the punch line?:

"that i don't find you as attractive as some girls i've met in the past that have been too attractive for me to ever get to know"

HAHA. Oh diss- One of the top three things you do not say to a girl EVER. Talk about being blunt. Well I'm glad we have such a good friendship that he can be that open and honest to me about it. LOL. That seriously was the laugh of my day. I'm glad my self esteem is still in tact- I think. Oh crap, I think I dropped it. I was created in the image of God... I was created in the image of God... I was created in the image of God...
* * *
I'll leave it at that for today though I did have other things to say.

Constructing Self Realities

Looking at people's profiles on Facebook, it is like looking at these self constructed personas we all have created for ourselves to put on display.
This is who I am defined through the realms of photo albums, education, number of friends, groups and interests. I was deciding whether or not to put a link to my blog here and chose not to. Though this is a public space and if you knew what to look for could find my site, but I think for now I prefer to keep it 'private'. Personally I find Facebook more as mere entertainment and a social tool and this space as a place for self reflection two things I'd like to keep seperate from one another.
At times I wonder why I am the way I am whether be it an aspiration of who I wish to become or a reaction to the people around me. Have we all constructed our on realities?
Facebook makes me feel very small in the large expanse of networks. In some ways I dislike it- I dislike getting to know people in this very impersonal, disconnected way. Yet it has the power to find distant friends and reconnect the past to present. When I examine what the internet has become, the more I see Foucault's Panopticon looming overhead. We have sitemeters to track down the number of visitors, where they are currently living, how long they spent on your site. If you go on Amazon, it remembers what you were browsing and suggests a slew of recommendations. Youtube has changed the scope of media- anyone can be famous as long as a person plugs in their own video onto the net. Is it possible to even have a life of privacy anymore? Or are we all in such desperation to be seen, heard and known that we've sacrificed exclusivity for mass produced thoughts and answers? I don't even have to talk to a person to know what they like, what they're doing, what they are thinking anymore. Yet the next time I see them, I feel like I've cheated them of saying anything because I got to know them personally on some very impersonal level via the Internet. It blurs the boundaries between the public and private self. What sacred is there left?
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I signed a contract yesterday giving Women for Women the rights to my project 'design' so that they can sell it for Mother's Day in return for credit however they've changed some parts of the design. -_- Anyway, that was a great class. It actually went from concept to creation. I hope it makes a difference in some of the lives of the women.
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My greatest fear: unrequited love.

Opium for the Eyes (and other things)

Blogger has been acting up lately and everything is showing in code rather than what it's supposed to appear on the page. But these are opium for the eyes. The sparity of the second is just so beautiful.

Thoughts of the week:

-Philosophy notes should never be taken on a computer. If philosophy is about concepts in concepts then relations have to be made which computers cannot make. Bullet points don't make connections between ideas- diagrams do. Diagrams are done on paper with pen.

-Our generation just expects everything to be easy like they deserve it:
Coles Notes dilutes the themes and concepts found in Shakespeare's Hamlet. Taking notes from Coles Notes and writing an essay without examining the actual text itself further dilutes the original script. It's like turning to Sparks Notes to see what the symbolism and metaphors in James Joyce's 'The Dubliners' which simplifies intriciate concepts and writing an essay interpretating the Spark Note interpretation of 'The Dubliners'. Similarly, reading a book that focuses on one theme/issue in the Bible breaks the Bible as a whole. It is easier to read a book on the Bible than it is to read the Bible itself. I think many of us prefer to read the diluted version over the original. The Bible is difficult to understand- yes, who told you it was easy? If God is a complex 'being' then obviously it's going to be hard. Yes it is difficult having to try and extract concepts for yourself but God makes it plain to see. Books on christianity/ theological issues are good and can help in clarification yet in the end, they are just interpretations.
Crack open the Bible for yourself and grow up.
(That goes for me as well)

-I joined the most hilarious Facebook group ever. You have to send a request to get in but when I first read it I had a good minute of laughing. Yeah it's a little out there and rather bold/blunt/explicit but it's so funny!

-1 John 4: 18. 'There is no fear in love.' Could I ever reach that stage in my relationships that have no fear of being judged?

-I have 0% motivation to do anymore work. For 3/4 of the year I had my work done four days ahead of sched.... now I just don't want to do anything.

-It's been said but in order to look 'Christ-like', I see a lot of Christians being a little overly happy to the point of bubbly. I think in having a desire to make friends within the church and trying to appear warm and inviting, people are starting to look fake. However the problem with this is that personally if I don't smile I generally look a little angry (although I'm not) so one has to compensate by smiling more. Lol. I love it. I was having a conversation with someone and we were saying if ever liked a guy and had to picture him with a future gf, we always see them with the 'cute, petite, wide eyed korean girl'. Embrace the edginess. ;)

-So all of us share dress forms/mannequins for class and sometimes people get extremely selfish and hide the dress forms so they have it exclusively. This occured to my roommate whose form disappeared for two weeks straight so she couldn't do her homework for her classes. She find it two days ago hidden behind a mirror in a maintenance closet. LOL. I joked that there as many guys in our school as there are body forms- one to five. And at the fashion building, there is at least three times more body forms than there are straight guys.

-I found out which dorm I've been assigned to in Paris. It was designed by Le Corbusier which means it's going to be a standard, ugly, plain room. He was a modernist who believed in standardization and proposed to have all old architecture prior to the 19th century in Paris to be stripped down to put in standard condos. Yech.

-I signed up for classes this morning. At 8:02am Intro To Psych was closed. What the frick? Anyway so I'm taking a chance and I'm going to ignore the IDC heads and did not sign up for Body Garment 3 (yes I wrote them a logical letter saying why they should eliminate the class and they sent me a really vague email back that addressed none of our concerns) They're literally gonna have to drag me back into taking that class:

-Design and Sustainability (no psych so I slotted this in)
-Patternmaking 1
-Sewing 1
-Global Issues
-Designing Culture (don't ask what that means because I don't either)
-Arts of China
-Professional Internship (with Edun :D)

The Downfall of Adam// LOTR// Mighty to Save: A Call for Humility

Before I say anything (I don't know how long I have your attention span for because I find the last portion of this post the most important), if you haven't heard 'Mighty to Save' please listen to it:
Mighty to Save
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I don't like to quote books but I found John Eldredge's take was helpful in understanding men better who are more prone to fall into the sins of pornography:

Why is pornography the most addictive thing in the universe for men? Certainly there’s the fact that a man is visually wired, that pictures and images arouse men much more than they do women. But the deeper reason is because that seductive beauty reaches down inside and touches your desperate hunger for validation as a man you didn’t even know you had, touches it like nothing else most men have ever experienced. You must understand- this is deeper than legs and breasts and good sex. It is mythological. Look at the lengths men will go to find the golden-haired woman. They have fought duels over her beauty, they have fought wars. You see, ever man remembers Eve. We are haunted by her. And somehow we believe that if we could find her, get her back, then we’d also recover with her our own lost masculinity. P91

Most men want the maiden without any sort of cost to themselves. They want all the joys of the beauty without any of the woes of the battle. This is the sinister nature of pornography- enjoying the woman at her expense. Pornography is what happens when a man insists on being energized by a woman, he uses her to get a feeling that he is a man. It is a false strength, as I’ve said, because it depends on an outside source rather than emanating from deep within his center. And it is the paragon of selfishness. He offers nothing and takes everything. P187
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I want to watch some LOTR. I just want to watch the final scene where Samwise Gamgee makes a speech about how much evil there is yet with every new day there is hope- there is light and life. It's one of the most moving speeches I've ever heard- LOTR is so amazing because in the darkest of times, we see the beauty of friendship, fellowship, courage and hope.
I want to be assured that there is still hope in this desolate world.

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Mighty to Save: A Call for Humility

Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations
...
So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything i believe in
Now i surrender

This song literally moves me to tears.
I didn't see it before but I've realized how judgmental Christians are. In their pursuit for holiness, they ridicule the very people they are trying to bring to Christ and isolating members of the body who struggle in certain sins and are trying to break free yet are too afraid to voice out their weaknesses because they fear they will be looked down upon. We create barriers among the body of the church with our high standards by teasing, laughing and judging at certain sins and instilling fear into those who struggle in those issues who fear of being subjected to such ridicule. They may laugh with you for fear of being rejected yet secretly hold hearts heavily ladened with guilt. How are they supposed to be vulnerable if you snear at the very thing that plagues them most?
Do you understand the extent of what we've done with our 'mere' words?
And I realized that though other Christians may look down on me for what I've done, I learned that God truly takes me with all my fears and failures giving me acceptance and hope. He reminds me of my mistakes and knocks me off the 'holier than thou' pedestal before I try to climb on it to cast judgment on everyone else. Honestly, I find it extremely difficult to open up to Christians because I'm afraid they'll judge me- don't tell me that I'm just not trusting. I hear what people say in church and it makes me want to hide from everyone.
There is good in the broken:
Who is better to help the alcoholic than the one who conquered the power of wine? Who is better to help the struggling anorexic than one who has gone through eating problems and conquered?
Who is better to help the abused than the one who suffered from being abused themself?
We always said that God uses the broken to heal the broken. How true it is! Yet we lack the understanding. So let us come with humbled hearts, acknowledging our own downfalls, lay down our pride and come to Him with the confidence knowing that He will accept us as we are.

Okay I took the bait and I got Facebook.
Gross.
I like blogger. :)
This is the most egoistical thing I've ever been on... adding friends, looking at profiles and whatnot.
I'm using it as a tool to get me connected with church people so I can remember faces.
Sigh. I have succumbed.
Add me.
:P

Easter: preference in worship, perception of strength, drawing close, girls

Preference in Worship
Worship was soooo amazing today. I wish it was like this all the time. I don't know if it's wrong to say this but I wish RHCBC worship was like Remnant worship.... is that wrong to say? I feel more passionate worshiping with the people here than in Toronto. I know worship should be the means to meet God and it shouldn't matter what songs you sing as long as they praise God.... but I can't help it. When I went back for Christmas, it seemed really dry- I guess it's because of the worship team changes, I'm just not used to Dan and Kim's traditional style. I love hearing the piano riffs, the woody sounds of the cello, the cool thud of the bass, the angelic like voices of the singers and the intense rhythm of the drums. It makes me want to bob my head, jump and raise my hands.
Today we sang 'Mighty to Save' by Hillsong- an amazing song. As soon as I got home, I purchased it on Itunes. 'Author of salvation'- what a beautiful line. People, download this song. It's so pretty. This will soon reach 100 times listened- I can tell you that. :P
Saviour, He can move the mountains.
My God is mighty to save.
He is mighty to save.
Forever, author of salvation.
He rose and conquered the grave.
Jesus conquered the grave.

We seriously have to sing this song at RHCBC.
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Perceptions of Strength
People's perceptions of you may not be true but you end up internalizing them and believing them yourself.
Sometimes I doubt myself in terms of physical strength. I have two arms, two legs and a level head but I doubt their strength. God created me to be very long and lean yet perhaps it's because I don't exercise much, my fingers have been a cause for grief often in terms of playing sports. In the past I had to double up my middle and ring finger and bandage them to avoid them from overstretching and breaking the tendon. When buying groceries, my roommate insists on taking the heavy goods because she thinks my fingers are going to snap. Not joking. I know she means it kindly but there are times when I'm lifting things and putting them away, she acts in utter shock that I have the capacity to do so. Tania always jokes about how ET-like they are and how brittle they look that you could snap them in half.
Last week my cousin went to church early to set up the worship stuff. I thought of joining but my doubt in my physical strength and lack of knowledge in AV stuff stopped me from going. This week I decided, hey why not just go and try it out for a week. Yeah and today just proved something to me. I don't want to be seen as a weak individual. I think this perception that people have formed of me just drives me to show people that I can handle things on my own. I'm not a feminist who hates it when men open the door for me out of consideration however I dislike it when people question my physical ability to lift boxes and music stands. I can only tolerate so much joking around- it hurts a little that people think you are incapable of physical labour. I know I'm not the strongest person on earth, but I can handle a few music stands- I'm not going to topple over.

I felt severely underdressed today and also at the Good Friday service- practically every guy was wearing a suit today- yes a full suit while I was chilling in a hoodie and jeans (in my own interpretation of course): thought if I had to lift things, it would a little silly in a dress. While I was helping packing things up with a few other girls and a couple of guys, our pastor comes up to me and says "why are all the girls doing it? Where are the guys?" Yeah where are they anyway. I told him "they don't want to mess up their suits."

Our pastor is funny. He tries to hook people up together like some matchmaker. The first thing he said today prior to his sermon was "look at all the guys all in their suits eh ladies?" Omg. And then he continues to say "And guys, look at the ladies! Aren't they looking good today?" And this guy named Danny yelled in agreement and our pastor responds by saying "Danny, you gotta repent." Lol.
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Drawing Close
Within the past two weeks, I have been able to draw close to certain people both here and Toronto. And the more I am able to understand and see who they really are, the more I realize how little I know of them in the first place. When one curtain is torn, you realize how many more there are, veiling their true self. I'm trying to open up more by placing my trust in them early on in the relationship- this may not be a wise decision but I think it cements the friendship right from the beginning and gives it a foundation to grow from. I've decided that I can't go on playing those light, small talk 'games' with people... I skim the surface too much- I fear plunging in because I don't want people to find me overly pushy.
I thought I knew someone- someone I considered a close friend, and after having talked more, I laugh at myself for having thought I knew that person deeply. I think being able to talk about failures and fears really shows others why you act the way you do. I don't think people really understand you until they know what fear drives you to do something.

I guess I learned this from talking to Andrew and reading his blog concerning shame, guilt, and grace. I think the ideas of grace really came to form this year for me- in experiencing God's grace within me. I still have yet to work on lifting that guilt of past sins to Him and finding people who will not judge me based on what I've done because I'm so afraid of people seeing the ugliness and imperfection(yes it reminds me of that Eason song.) Got a lot of renovating to do.
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Girls
At Bagel Stix today, Robyn and I were talking about a spectrum of things... and it's true. Girls here are so girly, it makes me wanna puke. Girls are very much like water as I said a year ago- very fluid and everchanging (or you can call it fickle). I find men are more stoic, solid and 'balanced' like wood. And I think after having developed a few guy friendships the past year (didn't have any in the past), it's nice to have a different perspective/take on things than your girlfriends. In a way they can be more comforting- I can't explain it.
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Feeling stunned and a little shocked.
In the end, talk is so useless.
Maybe it's because I surround myself with friends of high moral character, it's a bucket of cold water when I discover something out of sync with what they tell me all along.
We all make mistakes, I know.
I'm humbled by my own thus I'm less judgmental.
But still.
Some things you can only do once, give once and it's gone.

J'espère il était une personne spéciale.

Short and Sweet: The Important Things in Life// Fasting

Friend and I scampering over to a tall door to take a picture at Columbia U. A philosophy major was sitting with his thick book a few feet away from us wondering the heck we were doing.

Things haven't been right the past few days hence no post. Some changes will have to be made either I accomodate or I'll have to make this blog shallower.
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Shifting Paradigms: The Important Things in Life

Today has been a day full of ups and downs- mainly I found out my roomie doesn't have to take Body Garment- the class I have been dragged into taking kicking and screaming. Now that she doesn't have to take it, I'm seething. The funniest thing about this is is that my roomie made her advisor talk to my advisor- the very same person who made me take the class, and basically told her colleague that my roomie does not have to take the course! WHAT THE HECK?!?! To make matters worse, my advisor is also one of my teachers for next semester and she likes to hold grudges hence I will probably not be getting a good grade unless I kiss her feet. I cannot believe I'm dealing with such a person right now. Right now I'm organizing a 'coup d'etat'... LOL. At least I plan to overthrow that stupid course out of the way so I can take 'Intro to Psych'. $4000 not including materials I am not willing to spend on a really stupid course. 11:30am tomorrow morn at the office.

As this was unfolding, I simultaneously received an email which was strangely three hours late. By this time I was feeling very bitter (towards my advisor), scared (for my future) and hopeless (about my career). I can say at first when I read the beginning, I thought it would be some excerpt or quote. However I think this is one email that I can say is not pure mind but a balance of both heart and mind. The funny thing about grace is that both people in a friendship/relationship do not feel like they 'deserve' one another yet being one of them- I have a list of reasons why you have been such a good friend though you may not see it in such clarity because you are not me and I don't understand what caused you to write such an email because I am not you. But either way, it reminds me of Kirk Franklin and Co's 'Lean On Me'.
The whole thing just put things into perspective for me- that in the end it really does not matter if I have to take this screwy class (although I really really do not want to take it), that it's my friends that will be my joy (of course assuming God is already in the picture. :P)
I'm going to listen to that song now. The last time I listened to it was exactly three days shy of a year. Weird.

Life is tumultuous.
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Fasting
Ask me two years ago about why people still fast and I would have told you either 1) I have no idea why. 2) It's outdated. 3) It's optional usually for hardcore spiritual people.
And then last year I read an article in the Brio, the Christian magazine for girls/women, that discussed about the reasons why we still fast. I've been trying to find the article because it was pretty good except when I plug it into their search engine, I get reviews on 'Fast and the Furious'. -_-
The writer basically said the primary reason why we still fast- be it food or other material goods/entertainment, is because fasting shows God that we do not rely on 'worldy' things to satisfy us and to show that we have completely surrendered our lives to Him.
Tomorrow is Good Friday (and our school does not get any Easter holiday- lame!) and they asked us all to fast for a day. Some NYU students have been doing the Daniel fast for two weeks where you slowly wean yourself off of certain food groups and then the last week, you eat nothing. That's hardcore especially with school to handle at the same time.
I also decided to semi 'join' Robyn in her own year long fast from certain material goods- except I'm only doing thirty days- I figured I did 30 Hour Famine several years back, I'd just change it into days. I think I need this sooner or later- to fully understand what it means to place God first, Him as provider, giver and taker of life and to assure myself that I have not placed other things before Him.

Fighting Administration// The Sensuality of Hair// Sandcastle Friendships

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you. You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Hm I don't know how determing what animal you want to be has anything to do with your love life but apparently this quizclaims it does. I had a little trouble with question 4: If you have the power to make one species disappear forever, which one will that be?
- Lion, Snake, Crocodile, Shark
My train of thought went something like: lion? No.. because they're such majestic animals.. Yeah I would pick snake but then where would all the python bags and shoes go? And how would they make exotic skin Hermes bags if they didn't have crocodile? And I like shark fin soup. Crap. This is so hard!
In the end, I had go to with the shark. I dont know why. I was half asleep procrastinating against doing work.
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Fighting Administration

Anyway, so today I went to see my advisor to look over my course registration for next semester. There's a course all 'fashion' students in our track have to take which is called Body Garment- it's not supposed to be a required course but upon asking if I had to take it, my advisor insists that it's mandatory (although I pointed it out to her on the frickin sheet that it's not under mandatory). I know arguing with her would make it worse because she's so narrow minded and has this set agenda where she believes fashion is stupid (she's an architect) and that we should think beyond just fashion and into concept and social issues. I'm not saying they're bad but she's thinking so lopsided- becuase fashion encompasses so many skills including draping, patternmaking, sewing, computer cad drawing, fashion drawing etc, one has to take many classes to acquire technical skills. And so far the entire year of Body Garment has been pretty useless- meaning I haven't learnt a single thing. Correction: I've learnt how to do some things on my own but that's about it. And if my tuition is $38k a year it's not a matter of me not wanting to take the class but a matter of principle. This is our education which IDC so claims to give the flexibility for exploration yet makes us take video classes. -_-. She wants us all to take the class because if no one registers for it, the class would be cancelled.
I told her nicely that "a lot of the body garment students and I..." and she totally cuts me off and said "if you're going to complain, leave the others out and speak for yourself." Fine, if you don't want to hear the freaking truth I'll give you my opinion. I basically told you I wasn't learning anything and that I was disappointed with the first two. She tries to convince me that the third year one will be totally different where we can do anything we want for an entire semester.
Wonderful. That's what I don't need.
Anyway if we do, I'm just going to make a damn beautiful dress.
So after my appointment, my classmate goes in and basically the advisor explodes on her because she now wants to focus on fashion rather than fashion and communication design and literally tells her to swap to the fashion program. However in doing so, she'd have to stay behind a year. And dude, we can't afford $1000/credit for three freaking credits.
We're thinking of writing her a letter stating all our points and signing it but obviously she's gonna think we're all ganging up on her. Frick. Why am I dealing with an advisor who is not looking at what's good for me but what's good for her? I feel like I'm talking to some immature teenager.
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The Sensuality of Hair
Well my appointment was smack during my Body Garment 2 class. The teacher said we could take a break so my roomie, another classmate and I were sitting in the room while everyone was getting coffee and cigs. All of a sudden he started talking about hair and how most white women (all of us were Asian and my teacher is British) are envious of Asian hair because it's straight, thick and glossy. I started cracking up. He told me once he wore a blonde rocker shag wig to a party, sat at a bar with three straight guys (he's gay) and one of them asked if his hair was real (because straight guys can't tell a wig from the genuine). To his delight he pretended and said it was and soaked up their compliments.
I've always thought those slow-mo hair flips in movies were so overdone and cheesy but apparently it's spellbinding? According to our teacher, he's watched men when a woman flips her hair- they're completely transfixed.
But.... men used to have long hair? So if they like the hair so much, why can't they grow their own? They can flip their own hair as many times as they like then. :P
I asked my roomie if she liked men with long hair and if the tables were turned: would women be attracted to men with long hair?
She hesitated until I pointed out that Aragorn and Legolas have long hair and started laughing and giggling at the thought of Aragorn fighting off orcs. LOL. It was hilarious.
I never thought hair was such a big thing. I'm a little slow.
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Sandcastle Friendships

This is me meandering and trying to pull out the knots of my life. I know a lot of my posts are very murky and tangled- or they just sound like they were written by a girl but it helps me to write it all down- clear and concise or not.

Relationships. At times I wish I could remain detached all my life to avoid the disappointment. I think the greatest reason why I would want to get married is because I know I will have that person more or less there day in and day out. I'm not saying I'd leech on to someone but there's a certain comfort in knowing there's someone close by. In becoming one, you are more or less giving up that independency. To say it more clearly, I want to have the assurance that that person will always be here (you know what I mean).
I feel like whenever I get to know someone even on a strong 'superficial' level or within a very deep friendship, somehow it's pried apart. I try not to get excited about budding friendships or instant connection friends because they somehow begin to stall and/or wither.
In terms of friendships this past year, I've been trying to step up my game and trying to get out there and create a good Christian network. I've also had the chance to talk to some RHCBCer's online mainly Steve and Kevin (dude why does everyone put themselves on 'away' or 'busy' if they're actually there? Do people get that many annoying msgs? I can't discern them).
I hate getting used to things and having to change. So in terms of friendships, it seems a lot less emotionally easy if I remained detached. I guess that's why people find me distant besides being shy- why I questioned why people thought I was cold. Because I'm already bracing/setting myself up for disappointment.

I can think of two instances this year that prove the above. Although I haven't know Kevin for very long, it's been nice to just get to know him. Since he's going to Japan for half a year I guess it feels a little disappointing that I'll have to place it under hiatus for a while since he's going to be like Tom Hanks in 'Castaway'. But he's one funny guy.
The second is Robyn who may transfer to RISD. You want to know the honest and blunt truth? When she broke it to us after that sermon during Urbana while we were having prayer groups at the end of the day that she was considering pursuing illustration at another school, I felt a wave of cold fear sweep through me. And it paralyzed me from within. I prayed hard the following days at Urbana that everything be done not on my accord but to what would fulfill God's plan- to set aside my own agenda for hers. Yet it's been hard. Every time she asks if she should go to RISD, I say yes. Why? Yes because of the program but mostly because my first reaction is to protect myself from disappointment. I don't want to caress the hope and entertain the thought that she may stay for the next three years. I rather just believe that she is going so I can mentally/emotionally prepare myself to feel the loss of her presence. Thus I don't want to open up because it'll just make things even more difficult if she does leave. And I'd rather stay detached.
I know it's not like these friendships would disappear but I just want to hold onto something... I can't explain it- I can only feel it.
It's so hard. When things are in constant motion, sometimes you just want to sit down and be still and lean on someone.
And because of all this, I guess it's also the reason why I have difficulty forming friendships on rock. The constant tides of change are constantly breaking down and washing away what sandcastle friendships I have.
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Sigh. Going to listen to LOTR (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDULzrZSlhk) to soothe me. There are times where I want to cry to acknowledge the things that are happening yet it seems that all I write is so matter of fact, my eyes are so dry and my heart so indifferent, that it's turning me to stone.

I'm officially brain dead. And frustrated with my frickin school.

You scored as Nerdy Girl.

Nerdy Girl		75%
Athletic Tomboy		63%
Popular Bitch		63%
Hippy		38%
Goth		31%
Loser		25%
Preppy Girl		25%
Slut		0%

Don't ask me where the 'Athletic Tomboy' came from. Obviously these things cannot be trusted. Whoohoo 0% slut!

Yay! :) // Date with a Jew? // 007

Click it please and read the top part. So yesterday I ran to school to do some work at 8pm.. ends up our school building closes then. -_- How lame. Do they think Parsons kids don't work past 8pm? Anyway I bumped into an old classmate from my Women for Women class last year.. and she told me that in the most recent Parsons design magazine, the Kosovo class was featured in there. At the end of the course last semester, the directors of the organization said they'd look at our products and pick a few to put on the market. I thought "whatever, that would be great if it'd work but it was good experience even if they didn't use the products."
Anyway so she told me about the magazine article and how two products were mentioned that would be put into production including hers which was a hand embroidered table setting set and an apron... which was mine! HAHA. Omg I felt pretty giddy. It's nothing groundbreaking because... how can you invent an apron. But it's pretty much unisex. Yeah! Can I put this on my resume? I helped change the world! Kind of. :P
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So today I left alone from church.. and the train was just parked there and not budging but I decided to sit in there until it moved unless... I passed by one car and saw this Jewish guy sitting inside. He wasn't good looking but we glanced at each other and I decided to move into the car with no one inside. Well being the art nerd I am, I decided to whip out my camera and take a picture of the empty car.. because how often do you see an empty car in New York.. and the Jewish guy (I assume he is since he's wearing a cap thing...) comes into the car from behind.. I was thinking "oh oops, sorry" and I move more towards the middle of the car when he sat at the end. And then he moves all the way to the seat opposite me. I was thinking how weird this was: either he was going to try and get a number or convert me. LOL. Hee starts talking to me.. but he mutters which annoys me like no other because every other sentence he utters I have to say "what?" Anyway I was trying to make conversation but had to switch off Switchfoot's 'Dare you to Move' to hear what he was saying. Anyway he asks me what I was doing in NY.. if I was sightseeing, I said no I studied here. I think the camera makes me look like a tourist. I put my hand out and introduced myself and he doesn't take it because he said it's a religious thing.. I was like "okay.. is it rude or something" And he says "no no no..." but doesn't explain why. So he asks me what I'm doing in NY and I told him. He asked me what I stop I was going to and I told him. He told me he went to buy a few suits (from Saks Fifth I see) and asked me what I was doing out that morning. I told him I just came from church.
HAHA.
I think that's what prevented him from asking for a number or questioning further because I decided it was weird enough and ran to another train that was actually moving.
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So I saw Casino Royale.
Eva Green is not that amazing- except in that evening dress and her voice is pretty sexy.
James Bond is too old.