Ugh fashion blog is down.. and I can't post.
-_-

So what did you do today, reader?
I got stuck in a traffic jam whilst taking my aunt and friend around one part of HK they haven't really been to. The chocolate restaurant I blogged in my baking blog was PACKED to the max. I wanted to spend my 'buy one get one free hot chocolate' before Aug 4 so we had the bar table until someone finally budged.
I had half a scone after lunch. I had my affogoto along with two shared cakes. And then I had a Napoleon for dessert AFTER dinner. Yeah that's me and my diet.

Anyway I am currently thinking and being bowled away by this girl's blog. Frick.

On my one hour car ride back home, I started daydreaming.. daydreaming about ways to make my thesis project come true. Ways to test the market and to establish myself in the fashion community prior to opening business. I started daydreaming about connecting with manufacturers. I started daydreaming about living at two places at once.
I'm daydreaming about my future blog. I'm daydreaming about the ways to pitch my ideas that are both innately anatomyofanartist that still resonates within whatever reader. Hum... get ready to know shallow me! I really really really enjoy doing really really really shallow things. And I really really really enjoy talking about the shallow things in life.
That's the thing that scares me.. what if YOU hate what I really enjoy? What if you look down upon all the things that I find deeply interesting?
I know.. I know that you would say "Screw what other people think and do what you love." But at the same time did you know the reason why I have been so stuck all these years is because, in fact, I am actually afraid of what the readers of this blog will think about my future blog? Have you noticed that I never speak about my vocation, passions, hobbies and interests here? And when I do, I kind of write it off as a sideline tangent, an appetizer, an accessory to the main theme of intellectual depth and human emotion? It's why I have three blogs- because I can't bring myself to think of what will happen when I go public.

At the same time, I think making this future blog of ME will do me good. It'll shatter my glass museum construct. I've justified everything I've been doing in the name of self-sacrifice for friends yet I don't recall the last time I did anything really for myself just because... it's for myself. If I bake, I bake for other people, if I shop, I shop alone because I don't want people to think I'm self-absorbed by spending money on... myself instead of.. iono. Saving it or donating it some charity. If I go to a spa for a facial I think about how horrible it is that I'm so self indulgent when in fact I probably only go once a year.
I realized.. I realized that I haven't baked in ages because.. I've just been baking for others and finding utterly no enjoyment in it. I haven't progressed for about half a year now, always feeling tied down to baking something worthy of other people's taste buds. But what I REALLY NEED right now is just to bake for myself in order to gain more experience. And the only way I can gain more experience is just through experimentation without the expectation of impressing others or whisking it off quickly and giving it to someone the next day. In the past I was motivated to bake for people but when you are exhausted by people, the drive quickly dissipates.

This blog right now is only a vision in my head. I recently scripted this entire vision through a visual map and sent it over to someone to take a look at in hopes that that person can realize it for me.

I realized that the people I fear the most are all located in Toronto. I don't understand why either- I would share any of my shallow blogs with people in NY- perhaps because they're all in fashion too. Technically I should care the least about people in Canada but in fact I feel like I operate mostly on what they may think.. but honestly who cares what they think since I won't be back for while and if I do... so what?

Sorry not all canadians.. just the Christian ones. Ironic isn't it, that the ones who should be the most accepting and loving I fear the most?
It's sad that I feel the most chained down from embracing what I like and enjoy doing because of Christians who are supposed to be the support. I just remember reading certain church people blogs that harped on the industry that I was interested in and it really discouraged me.

I used to subscribe to this teen Christian girl magazine called Brio. I remember they had a section where they would introduce Christian women of different vocations to speak about their career experience. Although at the time I wasn't in fashion, I remember always being disappointed that the vocations were things like 'doctor' or 'school teacher'.
Where were the Christian women in the fashion industry?
When the magazine did address fashion, they always addressed it from a modesty issue. "dress appropriately so that men won't stumble/lust because they are your fellow brothers in Christ"
That to me did no help. In fact the reason why I felt so suppressed was because of this negative view on fashion. I felt like fashion could only be wielded as a weapon to attract/repel/create a stumbling block for men. I realize now, I started to dress in order to not be that stumbling block- to only discover recently that I was bearing a burden that... is not my sole responsibility to bear. I went through a phase back when I was living in NYC, where no hemline would go above my knee in case I was judged (and I even wore shorts under knee-length skirts JUST IN CASE). When I wore shorts, I wore bermudas which were hell to find in the teen market. You can imagine how hard it must have been for me to find a leisure swimsuit that doesn't have an Adidas label on it. Cute one-piece do not exist- I wanted the 50's retro kind but they did not exist so when I went swimming I wore a bikini with a long black t shirt on top.
You know how I found freedom in that? Hong Kong humidity. It hellishly makes no sense to wear leggings or long pants in 95% humidity. I also noticed that in all my photos, I looked really clumsy and heavy with so many layers on while I loved the simplicity of girls with shorts and a tee.

Anyway so yeah. If I ever address fashion, I always address it as an issue, as a critic and as an analyst. I never really just... love it for what it is and just embrace it for what it is which is just to simply dress to express the self.
I accompanied this girl to buy a Chanel bag once. I told her to bring it to church one day and she refused to because she was afraid of what other Christians would think if she brought a Chanel in.

I think I feel the same way. I don't tell people how much I spend because I'm afraid of what they would think that I actually spend a lot of money on clothes. Hum did I really say that out loud? Yeah I did. I probably spend four to ten times as much as you do on clothes. I own a $7000 HKD bag that I spent with my own salary money. I own a pair of Prada sandals that are pretty much dead. I recently got a pair of Jimmy Choo sandals too to replace the Pradas which I haven't worn. I just never caption what I wear because like the girl with the Chanel bag, I am afraid of what Christians will think.
Hm but omit what I just said and instead replace that with "I own a Macbook Pro" or "I own an Itouch" or "I own a Canon DSLR", the function of gadgets seem to justify the cost.

Iono right now. I know I sound like I'm really pissed but it's because I've been struggling with this since high school. I want to run in freedom to pursue what I love without justifying it under Christian terms. I want to just like something because God gave me this passion and have that just be enough. Without the needing to justify it by feeding starving African children, without justifying the fact that being modest is equivalent to righteousness or pursuing fashion to help anyone. Can I just stick up a picture of a dress I like and simply say "I like this." without feeling like I need to go into a slew of fashion jargon and analytical notes or cross references?



Hey you partner... you know there aren't any Christian leaders in the fashion industry. Don't you think it's about time for there to be a few? I think so.

It's also time for me to do something for myself.

Sigh

Because You Loved Me:
Charice on Oprah. This is the amazing singer Charice I was raving about in my previous post (song starts at 2:40).

Iono. 90's songs were always the best because they were both catchy and the lyrics were meaningful.

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right

For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful, baby

You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through
Through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me

Do you know anyone worthy of dedicating this song to?
I had a sudden realization that as much as we want people to change and we pray and plead to God that He would change them, the hard truth to swallow is that they probably won't. I recalled a quote that went something like this,
"Everyone wants to change the world, but no one wants to change himself."
I then realized that Christianity is all about changing the self. Unlike the culture we live in which says "be the change", God says "let me change you."

I'm not feeling so well.
I want to go home... I want to return to Toronto, drive on the highway and listen to 97.3 easy rock. At the same time, the thought of going back to Toronto scares me. The thought of reconnecting with some church when I've gone through so much this past year. The thought that I might get too comfortable in my old home to ever leave again. The fear of boredom.

I feel so... alone. But even that sentence is untrue- I've been out with people every single day of the past two weeks. And more are on their way. Yet I still feel isolated like I don't matter to the people who I value the most. I just feel adrift, like I'm just floating and tossed in a pool without much control.

At times like these, this is when I start to think about where to flee to. To return to Canada, to stay here and fight it out or to .. return to New York. Yet I think New York is not a place I want to return to right now but I'm afraid of Toronto and I'm restless in Hong Kong.

Anyway, I dream of the day I dedicate this song to someone.
Celine Dion- Because You Loved Me

Talents.

And this is what I learned in life,

Choosing to do the right thing almost never amounts to instant gratification. In fact, doing the right thing often leads to rejection, resentment and withdrawal of others you intended to do good to. Choosing to do what is right, usually, requires to go against our normal reactions and attitudes. It requires a conscious decision and effort to do what is the riskiest and the hardest. When you choose to do the right thing, do not expect a reward, the sound of applause or words of approval. More often than not after choosing to do the right thing, we feel more humble, a little uncertain and more vulnerable.
But choosing to do the right thing goes hand in hand with character. When you choose to do the right thing, you seek not a fleeting compliment or a pat on the back; you desire lasting results in both strengthening relationships and deepening your character that is of far greater worth than human approval. Because what we really desire in the end, is God's standing ovation.

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I was listening to the song 'Pyramid' by Charice today at work- I had it on loop via youtube (manual loop!) and I was just floored at the strength of her voice. I am so in awe that God designs people to do certain things with a planted seed of passion that no one else can do or replicate. Her abusive father pointed a gun at her mother in front of three year old Charice. Her mom ended up raising her daughter alone who then began to sing at 90-100 competitions a year to support her family. Ellen Degeneres spotted her video performance via a Youtube fan who kept posting her work up. Now she's made it big singing with Celine Dion to Andrea Bocelli. Her voice is truly a gift.
I'm so inspired by these people who had little but used what small thing they had and made it something big. It makes me realize that:
-No gift is too small. I was created with my gifts as evidence of God's creative variety.
-Investing in the talents given is ESSENTIAL to pleasing God. The parable of the talents proves that sitting around and waiting for the Eureka moment never works. In fact it angers God. (matthew 25)

What I am learning is:
-The people who are where they are at continuously and tirelessly kept doing what they were good at. At the initial stage of their gifts, they were good begin with because it was their talent. But talents have to be used, and they rinsed and repeated until they got REALLY GOOD. I tend to be shortsighted and only see what small thing I have and not how much greater it could be. It's why I gave up in the past and regret it now.
-Having talents- a couple or an absurd amount- does not mean life on cruise control. In fact it requires diligence, persistence and hard work to work those talents and to stretch them to their fullest. Often times I feel like I can 'rest' from it and somehow the sun will shine upon it and the rain will water it and let it grow- let someone else do the work. But what I realized is that I have to take ownership of those gifts because no one else can bear the burden for me.
-People are in awe of your most 'mundane' talent. Because you were born with it doesn't mean the rest of the world has it. To me drawing and writing is like breathing and eating. Yeah I need to work for it but I find it relatively effortless to express myself verbally and visually. To me, dressing myself every day with meaning/relevance of trends/flattering silhouette but also presenting a challenge is of second nature.
I don't think I realized this until a colleague once sighed at the lack of writing skills and raved over a layout I was doing for the blog. It's a gift to be able to write so fluidly. It's a gift that I don't need an Iphone for entertainment or a book to read when out of the house. Give me a pen and a piece of paper and I'm happy with doodling and brainstorming. My childhood memories consist of drawing on the back of paper placemats (my Sunday drawings were always the best after church when we'd go to the Japanese cafe in the now extinct Mitsukoshi department store in Causeway Bay. I'd always order a club sandwich) and selling my completed drawings to my mom for $1 HKD.
But I grew up shrugging my shoulders at the workmanship of my hands. I never took ownership of it all. Yeah I went to art lessons all my life, but I never used my gift as a celebration of what it is. I only saw it as a chore like practicing scales.

And that's why I was so happy today, because I realized all this at the office.

Yay I finished designing! Now sent it over and waiting for them to approve it so I can take the next step forward. Happy :)

A Mind Without Limits

-To a friend

Hey we’re really talented.

We are both gifted in so many things that many bloggers are and aren’t. We can draw like Igor and Andre, we can design and think like Luxirare, we have the romantic imagination of The Cherry Blossom Girl, the edge of Fashion Toast, and write as eloquently and with passion as Style Bubble.

And the best thing about it is that it’s the three of us! You, me and God!

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So what are you gonna do with your gifts and your talents?

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I used to think that spiritual attacks meant demonized girls with man voices and levitating abilities. Granted they still exist but the ordinary ones are not as evident as the paranormal. I'm starting to notice the ordinary ones, the small ones that make me feel very defeated on the inside and manifest themselves as a spiritual paralysis.

They often come as a small nudge but washes me with feelings of guilt. Today I was doing devos and suddenly my brother popped into my head. I still remember the time he told me that more than a decade ago there was one time growing up I refused to play with him and wanted to play by myself.. and he went to my mom and cried. At that moment, though this was a memory that was told to me and not one that I conjured up myself, I felt so guilty. I thought perhaps my brother and I aren't really close was because that memory was a pivotal point in which we grew apart. And perhaps I had hurt him a lot as the older sibling. There have been several times in which I would feel guilty for this and it was only this morning that I realized it was a spiritual attack.

I've been getting a lot of them lately particularly in regards to my weight and body image although physically nothing has changed. Weight wise I'm still the same, if not. reduced (or got tanned) because three individuals have said I lost weight. But I only fluctuate between the same five pounds- never more and never less.

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This week has been unbelievable. Last week I was out almost every night and I thought I had the following week to rest because I had nothing planned.. turns out my sched is and will be packed till Sunday:

Sunday (past): lunch with friend, wedding photography studio, dinner with entire family and business partners (cousins from SF are here)

Monday: dinner with family and business partners

Tuesday: saw Jeannie from NYC!

Wednesday: reunion with old old old HK 'friends'/classmates

Thursday: saw movie with Agnes

Friday (tomorrow): dinner with Angie

Saturday: half day of work, dim sum with my nieces and cousin/husband

Sunday: church, lunch and dessert with friend, family dinner

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Sam, remember, faith without action is dead. I've fasted over it, prayed about it and realized that if this is God's blessing to me, I need to start doing something. These talents, these skill sets, these gifts need to be taken advantage of.

I've been waiting to 'fat fai' (hard to explain... releasing power aka your talent?) but realized in order to do that, I have to stop waiting.

I realized that I'm really gifted. Aren't we all? But I've been looking to what others have to measure the strength of which I have been given. I never realized that what I want to be and who I look up to, are people who have basically used their talent to the fullest potential. I realized that my gifts are rich and numerous in ways that I am glad I'm not an accountant or working at a law firm. I always saw what I have was quite ordinary when in fact the people I look up to took the ordinary and made it extraordinary.

That's what I want to do. Take what I have as plain, as insignificant, as small or as unpolished as it is and make it extraordinary.

You know what I realized this week (yes I know it's bad stylistic writing to repeat the same word but hey the apostle Paul and Jesus did it!), I discovered that I can be the most creative when I am the most restricted in my present environment. When you confine me in an office space, a cubicle or just an atmosphere that does not allow or encourage creative freedom or imagination, my mind goes haywire. And to rebel against that, I daydream a lot more. I daydream enough that it is evident to some who have complained to me that my mind is not in the room- it exists elsewhere. I keep a notebook on my desk. It's a simple, ordinary lined notebook that came with my office supplies. I keep it right in front of me with a ballpoint pen and whenever I get hit with a word or an idea or a concept, I quickly jot it down. It's not full of beautiful sketches or meticulously drawn out pictures. Instead, it's a few scrawls of incoherent words that stuck out to me, or a rigid stick figure or a few geometric shape configurations. It is the only physical and visible evidence of my mind wandering.

I think my imagination gets stronger when it sees physical limits. And when people tell me to get used to a routine, my mind fights harder and digs deeper so it can't be touched or controlled by words.

Now what I really have to start doing is extracting and distilling the good ideas from the not-so-coherent ones and make them into tangible concepts.

NEXT WEEK- next week Sam will start. Darn it. I can't get it out of my head.

I totally stole this from you but I can't think of a wiser quote than this.

No wonder all this crap is happening.

Hum...

-I think I shall start filling some of this blog with some mundane stuff that I won't tell people because.. it only matters to me. So here's to lighter fare! :P

-I'm waiting for one of my old HK high school friends to call me back because I wanna resched our dinner so I can see Jeannie tomorrow. WHERE IS HE???

-I'm wondering what to wear tomorrow. The dress I want to wear needs an oversized black tee on top to balance out the print... except the one I got isn't oversized enough. Need to think of another option.

-I realized that if I had to really explain every part of what I wear every day, I can write paragraphs of my thought process (I realized this when I started blogging and realized the length of my entries are clearly louder than my photographs). To most people, it sounds like the most annoying and stressful thing to do, to me it's a ritual.

-It's funny that when people, who declare themselves unaffected by fashion, how they react when they have to 'dress up' for special occasions. They whine, they complain about how much they dislike having to adhere to the dress code. If they honestly were above it all, they'd just go out in tee and jeans despite whatever the event.

In the same way it's funny to see people react to tees with explicit words... or pastors saying how we've diluted the message of the cross to a necklace. I have a necklace with five black crosses on it... is that just a fashion statement? Something superfluous or something with meaning?

-If I could make you mine, I'll go wherever you will go.

-I was musing to myself one day- if I married a man whose nationality was anything OTHER than my three citizenships, does it mean that he could collect all IDs and green cards if we move to HK/Canada/USA? Lol

-When people ask me "where do you want to settle down eventually?" I realized the question is not where but with whom.

-I was watching the news broadcasting fans in Holland crying over their defeat to Spain. I don't think I can stir up that much national attachment to any one country to cry over a game. My Korean friends, when South Korea was still in, told me before a match, "we HAVE to win this.. if we don't win this, then we'll have to wait another four years!" I said, "Um I think the opposing team is thinking the EXACT SAME THING."

-The thing is is that though the world may congregate in one spot to cheer for their home team, the match shouldn't matter to anyone EXCEPT the players themselves in the game. Who sees the discipline, the perseverance, the practice and the diligence in PREPARATION for the game? No one nor does anyone know how much goes into forming a team and training as an individual. The world congregates merely as a spectator of a sport they never invested any blood, sweat or tears for. They did nothing to sacrifice to see victory, but the players themselves. Thus the game should only really matter to those who are actually in the game and not the rest of us sitting on the couch screaming.

-I checked my clock only twice today at work: once at 12pm right before lunch and once at 5pm, 50 minutes before work ends. Time went by so fast today because I'm just blogging. I'm working on four posts at the same time.

-I'm watching Toy Story 3 on Thurs- which is opening day for us slow HKers! Hurrah!!!! Pixar, I love you!

Enough blabbering.. time to read...

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there and hear my cry

Well that's alright because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

eminem ft rihanna - love the way you lie

I'm not sure if this is an old song for most people who have a radio back in North America but I just heard this song for the first time and my thoughts on this song is:

Eminem needs to read Boundaries.

HAAHAHAHAHAHA.

But seriously, the lyrics are just so twisted... After having gone to Inner Healing and having started read this book, I realized how twisted the world thinks. Where is your sense of ownership? Your sense of self worth? There is none of that in these lyrics. Eminem needs Cloud and Townsend. lolol.

Gonna fill in some of the details here. Saturday- I can hardly remember the last time I just stayed at home, slept in and did little. Since I work every other Saturday, sleeping in is such a luxury- except I woke at 9:30 because my body auto wakes up after seven hours now. Sad. When I drew back the curtains, the clouds were weeping over the city. Slowly it cleared up to reveal a glorious blue sky. I put Cafe del Mar Chicane-Offshore on loop, stuck a facial mask on and read 129 pages of Boundaries.

It's a really good book. A lot of really good points although many of his points still are difficult to discern at times.. when you do something for other people and on the long run you get nothing back... was that gift truly without strings attached or do you keep going until it hurts?

Hurt vs Harm. What hurts people may not harm them. Getting the dentist to clean your teeth may hurt but not harm you but the sugar that caused the cavity may not hurt but harms your health.

Anyway I slept for an hour before going out to meet with a friend to shop around MK. Afterwards went to Shakey's pizza. Shakey's has nothing on NY pizza. And now the girls are sleeping on the couch before getting up at 2:30am to watch the Germany vs Paraguay game. One of my friends convinced another to watch the game tonight because "in four years after we're engaged, we won't get a chance!" ROFL. And my friend and I said we have no idea if we'll be engaged by then.. and anyway, why is it not feasible then even with boyfriends/fiances/husbands!? I shall not join.

Tomorrow: church, crepe place, Vero, wedding photographer's and then dinner with family!

Done five variations of my logo!

Joy

Feels so good to NOT have to go into work tomorrow! It's 2:22AM... and it feels deliciously decadent to not have to sleep early because I can flounder in bed tomorrow! Oh what luxury, what a guilty pleasure.

Contest submission entered.

Muahhah I feel so encouraged 'ranting' to a friend-

WE WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD

FOR JESUS

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAA!

It's ridiculous however far apart you may be, however closely you lived your lives or how similar your backgrounds just how close two people can think alike and share the same ideology. If prayer is the engine of the church, prayer will drive this company too.

I FINALLY GOT BOUNDARIES (the book... not the metaphysical ability). Frick.. it took me... 3-4 weeks? I'm surprised that it's really thick... will start reading tonight.

My aunt was interested in going into the fashion business as an investor but her husband ended not to and is now dabbling in the food and beverage industry. I asked her why he didn't want to do fashion since China is the largest manufacturer of clothes, and she said,

"the fashion business is much harder than eating and drinking. The success or failure of the product you have today does not represent the possibility of success in the future. While you can make a stable income on a decent menu in a restaurant, the wares of a fashion business must constantly change and evolve without losing the underlying aesthetic. Food is much easier than fashion."

Ok I added my own decorative touches to that quote above but essentially what I realized is that those who work in the fashion industry get a beating from outsiders who clearly do not understand the complexity of the business. In reality, fashion is EXTREMELY hard.. and that's why it's so messed up in its present state. You can balk at the thinness of the models or criticize fast fashion for being un-eco friendly or harp at the fact that a third of our pesticides goes to cotton but it does not change the fact that the reason why so little has changed since the Industrial Revolution IS BECAUSE it is such an intricate and complex system.

Fashion may not be philosophical but it is complex and deep as it is shallow at its core. If you added philosophy in there, we might as well call it the Christianity... JK!!!!

My colleague said to me today that when she reads my blogs (fashion and baking ones), she can feel the joy that comes from me and out onto the pages. She loves how I write and says my style is very elegant and that it was such a gift to be able to write fluidly and expressively. ELEGANT SAM (I was laughing).

I am full of joy when I write and blog... although initially I thought I could never be qualified as a 'writer' because I majored in design not writing. Writers were Kevin and Jerry.. I care less about grammatical methodology and punctuation as long as I can express myself enough to throw out whatever concepts and ideas I have in my head in the most candid and well-worded manner.. it doesn't matter to me if it's spelled 'gray' or 'grey'. I realize I probably write three times more than I can ever talk.

Joy.

How am I writing so powerfully that people can feel my joy through a computer screen? How awesome is that? I always marveled at the power of Pixar- to reduce even my logical cousin to tears when she just watched Toy Story 3... I want that deep emotional connection with my audience! I want to strike a chord within them in fashion that makes them feel that way too.

I am joyful when I blog. Really. I love making concepts up, sourcing products and adding personal touches.. wait did I write this yesterday? But yeah.. I'm thinking about the post I will write on Monday.. I already sourced some product images and have the perfect idea to connect with readers that is so perfectly me too! Next week will be interesting..

Testing, testing, 1,2,3.

This year will be about brainstorming, planning, concept work, business modeling, research, market analysis, blogging. A lot of pencil scribbling and eraser shavings.

As Gandalf said to Pippin "the board is set, the pieces are moving." I am starting to see a lot of geographical movement amongst all my friends on the west side. Visitors alone, here's my lineup:

Philina, Stacy, Hoi Kei (done)

Arriving: Jeannie, Angie, Sam, Piu, Grace (cousin), Jenny and Annie (cousin+aunt), Betty (when she gets her ticket). And Tanya is pending...

In addition to that I just found out Alex is moving to HK for a year starting in August. Wth. Esther is in Korea along with... yup. LOL I feel a little more comforted that the world is not as big as I imagine it to be at times.

This is my 910th post on Anatomy of an Artist. That's insane.

Psalms 16:5-6

So I am done inner healing!

The follow-up question to that is: "So are you healed?"

The answer is yes but it doesn't mean I can do whatever I want. It's like having fallen, scraped my knee, placed a bandage over it and after it's healed over, remove the bandaid and repeating the same error that caused the wound in the first place.

One Bible verse that has been constantly in my head:

Psalms 16:5-6

Lord, you have caused my lines to fall in pleasant places; yes I have a good inheritance.

So perhaps what I want in life right this moment isn't what God wants but I know He'll correct it so I'm supposed to do what I was created to do.

One day, when someone interviews me and asks me "Do you see the glass half full or half empty?" I want to say "If the glass exists then someone designed it to be filled."

I want to copyright that. HAHAHAHAHA.

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Everyone is asking when I will return to North America. No one expected me to leave and everyone is expecting me to return shortly like the standard fresh grad who teaches English for a year in a foreign country. Truthfully I have no idea if I will return sooner or much later. I see a lot of potential do stuff right here in Asia particularly if I can figure out a business framework.

Even more importantly the nature of my job is changing so rapidly, I can't even tell you what I do. I started off writing and editing and then I jumped to merchandising in Korea. After that I became a fashion analyst directly helping the CEO do brand case studies and trend analysis. Suddenly I helped one of the in-house merchandisers to design a line. Soon after I started dabbling in promotions to launch later on this year. And now I've become the major blogger for our soon-to-launch company blog. So my job role has gone something like this:

Writer/Editor

Merchandiser

Fashion Analyst

Designer

Marketer

Blogger

Have I just gone through half the list of jobs in a fledgling company within ten months?

You know what I do all day these past couple of weeks? BLOG. I go in to work, check my company email and open In Design and just blog away on whatever I want to blog about in the realm of fashion. Sometimes I even forget to check my email or check the blogs I frequent every day and have become addicted to. I've just gotten lost in blogging. When I walk home from work, my brain is exploding with blog entry ideas. When I'm blogging one entry, another idea pops up so I open a new document to start a new entry. I think I have four entries in the works right now and about to finish one tomorrow that's 80" long.

And what do I do when I go home? Eat dinner, shower and blog.

When I reflect on what I'm good at and what I REALLY LIKE to do, it's really blogging. I remember making a brand pitch idea and I obsessed over making the perfect print package complete with tables, visual examples and references. I like the idea that since our customer is overwhelmed by the sheer amount of products, I can help edit and whittle it down by telling a story about the uniqueness of that product by giving an overarching theme and adding value to it. I like making layouts and finding typography to suit.

I just love blogging because the topics change constantly within the industry I'm interested in. I can talk about the product itself, I can create a fantasy or I can get real and speak from a personal level. I can write like a corporate, impersonal blogger OR I can speak to my audience candidly as I do now.

That's the thing, the thing I'm wondering right now is if I should speak candidly on the blog. I've noticed that most fashion company blogs are still rather impersonal like a standard promotional ad: "Why we think black is cool. Black is cool because it matches with everything". Why not "As a fashion design graduate who recently woke up to the world of color, the question is: why is the absence of color more appealing to fashion designers over aquamarine, aubergine and celadon?"

Perhaps that is a poor example but I think I can test the waters here. The problem is is that as blogger in a company, the line between the private vs public world gets even thinner. I wrote an entry today using personal experiences as a starting point to speak about various styles- but is that what customers would want? Or would they want me to speak more like an editorial from Vogue because I can do that very well.

The funny thing is that I am more comfortable writing in a Vogue style because if anyone does criticize/comment on my entry, no hurt feelings- I'm just writing like any standard magazine. However if I reveal myself as a person with feelings and placing my own reputation on the line as a tastemaker... that is extremely risky particularly coming from a girl who just got out of inner healing due to her suppressed feelings and reservations on what she has loved from the start and can't seem to even share with her closest friends what she thinks.

Even more funny is that from the start, I told them I wanted to blog and everyone said that blogging isn't a real full time job and that it can all be outsourced. And now I've been told to write three articles a week (I said two because it takes me AT LEAST two days to write/source/draft the entry). Hm and now I realized, I get paid to blog! Even though it's not my most ideal situation, time is flying for me because I finally found an area at which I can just lose myself in.

So here's to testing new waters for the future of blogs. Let's see how this goes and if God wants it to go well, it will. If not, then He has better plans. It's funny.. it's funny that a Christian doesn't have to worry about anything literally. As much as I hee, haw, hum about things like my job, future relationships, broken friendships, moving homes.. if something doesn't work out, I know that God is just rerouting me. You know the whole 'God will make your paths straight." It doesn't mean He'll just rotate you, you must realize the move may be painful because it requires change and adjustment.

At Inner Healing, as they were praying over me, she says "I sense that God doesn't want you to be ashamed of what you do and wants you to fully embrace it."

God please let that be prophesy! haahaha

Last night I was praying through the verse I mentioned from Psalms and I saw a vision of me, represented by a girl in a white V-neck tee, in a large field of rolling hills covered in heather and grass. Fixed amongst the greenery was a black fence that snaked around the area, dividing the territory up into smaller pieces. I saw myself leaning on the fence stretching and craning my upper body as far as I could go. I was looking at the space beyond the borders of the fence but I couldn't cross it. I wondered as a third person in that picture, why I was so fixated on what was beyond the fence that I was literally taped to the fence as I walked along like it was supporting my lower half. It suddenly dawned on me the symbolic value of it; that I was only seeing my limitation and what I did not have but I was not exploring the possibility and taking ownership what was already mine to begin with. I realized that what I had to do was turn around and rather than being fixated on the fence, to look at the 'pleasant place' in which God has set before me which is not to box me in but to bless me with an inheritance that is both plentiful and good.

Ding ding ding.

Something I made a few months ago and posted on Portfolio.

i knew you wrote things dear to your heart on yoru blog

but when i tried to relate with you

i couldn't interact with the person on the blog

your blog is like the glass wall

i saw through to your heart

but when i tried to meet you where you are

i walked into the glass wall

i couldn't get any closer

so you were more true on your blog than in person

i guess i'm saying

i didn't ignore you

but i was blocked

Thanks. I think that is something I'm really starting to realize- and when you shared that with me last night, I think it hit something.

As I was rolling the words in my mouth I realized that I've become what I call an 'inverted extrovert'. It's like a chocolate melting heart cake with all the liquid centers exposed on the outside while the shell of the cake is enclosed on the inside. I'm silently extroverted by writing here and act like an introvert when with people.

After church I hung around with two guys and a girl- we had lunch and then after got fro-yo in Wan Chai and then proceeded to go up to the guy's REALLY NICE apartment (I'm so impressed- it looks like the W Hotel boutique hotel with a stunning billiards room, skyline view lounge, rooftop patio and outdoor heated pool also with a stunning view) where we watched 'The Hangover'. Decided to skip family dinner to have dinner with them at a french restaurant in Soho (so far all HK French restaurants have nothing on Balthazar in NYC).

One of the guys suddenly said to me,

"I sense that you've been really down the past couple of weeks. I feel like at House Church you have a lot to say but you don't. You should speak up more."

We had a good time talking about a missions trip to China that one of the guys did to an orphanage of kids who had HIV to how House Church could be more beneficial to us all.

I don't know, I don't know. In reality, a part of me enjoys this glass wall. I think... I think I've learned to love it after so many years of moving away from people. It protects me from being too attached- I am vulnerable enough to be visible but not felt. I like how people can only see and not touch. Yet I guess that is also the reason why I've run out so quickly of steam because no one gives back.... because they can't get to me.

Weeks ago, I learned to lower that glass window for the briefest moment- to let others in on how I was really feeling but all I got was... rejection? So I've rolled it back up again and said "I told you so."

But who am I hindering in the end? Who am I boxing in? Myself. I got to savour that freedom of being myself and realized that... a lot of people don't like it! While it hurts still, I notice that I am healthier inwardly. I've also got a lot of encouragement from others- who tell me what I did was the right thing, that I did nothing wrong. After forgiving all those who caused me grievances, I don't feel any anger- just prickles of sadness.

The preacher spoke about why our church congregation is so blessed to be in Hong Kong this day. I felt incredibly blessed because I am GIFTED with three citizenships and I can't help but wonder how God will use me in the future. Two superpowers and one country of peace. It's so rare to find anyone with three nationalities who can move so freely as she pleases! Sometimes I can't help but admire God's timing, however much I complain and plead with Him, His timing is perfect. However much I feel less Chinese because of my warped Cantonese or my inability to feel any national pride towards a particular country, I am so privileged to be who I am. Though fobs may not recognize me as a Hong Konger, and North Americans as anything but Chinese, I know my identity extends far beyond territorial borders and language. Heirs to the throne of Christ, sons and daughters of the Father, and daughter of the living God.

Three citizenships mean nothing when I have obtained the most coveted one of them all.

I just realized the spiritual warfare that has been going on inside my head (as my friend said today over dinner). I realized that all my anxieties and feeling inadequate because I am not distinctively one person of culture or place is just the devil trying to pull me down from fully embracing such a rare gift.

The Smallness of Being

"You are only as durable as the thing you love most." -from a dear friend.

I just read through my friend's blog. Although our social interaction has dropped down 90% less than when I was in NYC, I feel like we're on the same platform and the same wavelength. Many things she writes about, resonates within me. The desire to use blogging as a profession, the fear of being chained down to cubicle life, the confusion amidst change, the desire for mobility and stability at the same time.

I hope, it's because of these events, that our brand philosophy will come together. Perhaps, if God is willing, we can be the Google of fashion as you once shared with me. Let's use blogging as a leverage. I think we could make a great partnership with our mad Ms. Chelin-bred skills. lolol

* * *

Although I've stopped playing violin, a few life lessons still linger in me:

"You are only as strong as your weakest link." -my teacher telling me about a concerto I was playing and continued to stumble on certain bars. She described the concerto as a chain.

"Whenever you are uncertain or struggle with various parts of a piece, you tend to play softer and lighter, hoping to glaze over those mistakes unbeknownst to the listener. In fact, you should play them loud and with certainty." -Russian violin teacher

I forgot what the context of this lesson was, but they told me to be strong in adversity. When adversity comes, to challenge it rather than recoiling. If someone commits wrong against me, he told me to stand my ground. I totally forgot how that related to the violin. I just remember him lecturing me on this.

* * *

A few nights ago I was sitting on my bed, quieting myself down to pray before sleeping. I look at the Hong Kong skyline and watch a plane pass by and disappear into the clouds.

I love airplanes. I love looking up into the sky and seeing one soar above as an eagle does, and admire the smallness of being. I went to the beach on Thursday and as I was floating in the sea, I'd admire a Cathay Pacific streak across the blue sky and feel deliciously helpless. I then wonder, wonder about those microscopic people in that aluminum capsule. I wonder where they are going- I feel their excitement, I taste that uncertainty of travel and of journey. Above all, I long to be there in that airplane- to take flight, to be taken far away from where I'm temporarily rooted.

I love airplanes because from the ground I see exactly how small people would appear 35,000 feet in the air. I sense the fragility of being suspended in air, in void.

As I was gazing at the airplane passing by, my eyes were opened to the faintest flickers of light high above the skyscrapers. I am doubtful that they were stars due to light pollution but I suddenly counted fifteen of them. They weren't planes because they were locked in a position. Could they be satellites? Anyhow, it was a breathtaking little discovery I made since my stay here. Every night I look hard for these lights because they're so faint and barely there.

I want mobility and stability. They contradict but that's what I want.

We are so blessed with beautiful weather this past week after much rain.

The photo above was taken after going to the beach on the way back by boat. The smallness of the photo does not compare with the sheer size of the mountain. I love looking at the highlighted facade of the hills and admire the greatness of God. I don't know but planes, mountains and stars all make me feel very small. Small in a good way- in that I know I'm being watched over by the One who made all these things.

I realized that God is a lavish designer. Although we won't see 95% of the things He's made- from the strange creatures that reside in the blackest portion of the ocean to the reptiles in the Amazon, He has made all things. And to think that God is incapable or unwilling to look over our lives, go watch 'Earth' or something. It proclaims the grandeur of which our Father is the ultimate designer. How can mere human hands make anything as exuberant as that? Creation screams of His love.