Something I made a few months ago and posted on Portfolio.

i knew you wrote things dear to your heart on yoru blog

but when i tried to relate with you

i couldn't interact with the person on the blog

your blog is like the glass wall

i saw through to your heart

but when i tried to meet you where you are

i walked into the glass wall

i couldn't get any closer

so you were more true on your blog than in person

i guess i'm saying

i didn't ignore you

but i was blocked

Thanks. I think that is something I'm really starting to realize- and when you shared that with me last night, I think it hit something.

As I was rolling the words in my mouth I realized that I've become what I call an 'inverted extrovert'. It's like a chocolate melting heart cake with all the liquid centers exposed on the outside while the shell of the cake is enclosed on the inside. I'm silently extroverted by writing here and act like an introvert when with people.

After church I hung around with two guys and a girl- we had lunch and then after got fro-yo in Wan Chai and then proceeded to go up to the guy's REALLY NICE apartment (I'm so impressed- it looks like the W Hotel boutique hotel with a stunning billiards room, skyline view lounge, rooftop patio and outdoor heated pool also with a stunning view) where we watched 'The Hangover'. Decided to skip family dinner to have dinner with them at a french restaurant in Soho (so far all HK French restaurants have nothing on Balthazar in NYC).

One of the guys suddenly said to me,

"I sense that you've been really down the past couple of weeks. I feel like at House Church you have a lot to say but you don't. You should speak up more."

We had a good time talking about a missions trip to China that one of the guys did to an orphanage of kids who had HIV to how House Church could be more beneficial to us all.

I don't know, I don't know. In reality, a part of me enjoys this glass wall. I think... I think I've learned to love it after so many years of moving away from people. It protects me from being too attached- I am vulnerable enough to be visible but not felt. I like how people can only see and not touch. Yet I guess that is also the reason why I've run out so quickly of steam because no one gives back.... because they can't get to me.

Weeks ago, I learned to lower that glass window for the briefest moment- to let others in on how I was really feeling but all I got was... rejection? So I've rolled it back up again and said "I told you so."

But who am I hindering in the end? Who am I boxing in? Myself. I got to savour that freedom of being myself and realized that... a lot of people don't like it! While it hurts still, I notice that I am healthier inwardly. I've also got a lot of encouragement from others- who tell me what I did was the right thing, that I did nothing wrong. After forgiving all those who caused me grievances, I don't feel any anger- just prickles of sadness.

The preacher spoke about why our church congregation is so blessed to be in Hong Kong this day. I felt incredibly blessed because I am GIFTED with three citizenships and I can't help but wonder how God will use me in the future. Two superpowers and one country of peace. It's so rare to find anyone with three nationalities who can move so freely as she pleases! Sometimes I can't help but admire God's timing, however much I complain and plead with Him, His timing is perfect. However much I feel less Chinese because of my warped Cantonese or my inability to feel any national pride towards a particular country, I am so privileged to be who I am. Though fobs may not recognize me as a Hong Konger, and North Americans as anything but Chinese, I know my identity extends far beyond territorial borders and language. Heirs to the throne of Christ, sons and daughters of the Father, and daughter of the living God.

Three citizenships mean nothing when I have obtained the most coveted one of them all.

I just realized the spiritual warfare that has been going on inside my head (as my friend said today over dinner). I realized that all my anxieties and feeling inadequate because I am not distinctively one person of culture or place is just the devil trying to pull me down from fully embracing such a rare gift.