Listening to: I Can Only Imagine-Mercy Me.
Last year I felt like I was on the pinnacle of it all. Somehow everything just fell into place with the grace and providence of God. It wasn't all without any pain: When I was struggling with forgiveness or relationships, God spoke to me so clearly, I knew with total confidence it was Him and not my head. There were so many things that I didn't ask for, particularly accountability partners and a good group of friends.
2009 was a year I was blessed beyond belief- where the growing pains of the first couple of college years just melted away.
2010 started with a lot of confusion and frustration. When I hear the piano tinkling the first few chords of the song above, a little part of me crumbles inside because of the attached memories to that song.
I think, for the most part, what I want is accountability once again. I need someone to help me run this race. For the most part, I realize what impression I have left in NYC is growing smaller and smaller. I've somewhat tried to ignore the fact that people there mean a lot to me, pushing our relations aside because I myself do not feel secure in missing people.
I'm not sure what to make of my mobility. One day I'm totally in love with being able to travel between the two biggest superpowers with total ease. I can swap my passports like Pokemon cards according to the situation. It makes me unique. Our parents' generation never had the privilege of moving so quickly, so smoothly and so securely. Canada was the ideal- the land of the free.
I was watching a friend's youtube channel of film clips he took at a bar when his friends were watching the US vs. Canada hockey game at the Vancouver Winter Olympics. In one part, they all start singing the national anthem in their drunken stupor, totally off key. I started singing along, pausing a few times forgetting a few of the phrases. I had forgotten the one national anthem I was drilled on as a kid.
When Canada won the gold medal in hockey, I was slightly thrilled. Also being another nationality, I will never feel the same euphoria as those who identify with one nationality. I remember back in Grade 8, I was fresh from Hong Kong back in the elementary school I left five years ago. We were having a French lesson and I had to say something with a line about someone called Wayne Gretzky. I made the mistake of saying, "who is that?" in front of the entire class to their aghast. I don't think if I asked who Jesus was, would I ever get such a response. Funny isn't it? If someone asked who Lady Gaga was wouldn't you say "I cant believe you've never heard of her! She's the pop icon of today with the crazy outfits!" yet if it was a question about the identity of Jesus you wouldn't get a similar response such as "Wow I can't believe you've never heard of the creator and savior of this world!"
Hitting closer to home, one day I was talking to my aunt about upcoming fashion designers- the ones that every fashion-interested person is orgasming about these days. One is Alexander Wang with his sexy sportswear secretarial looks: he's only 25 and is nominated for the Best Womenswear Award by the CFDA.
This is the conversation that ensued with my aunt:
A: So his name is Alexander Wang? What nationality is he?
S: He's Chinese I think
A: He can't be Chinese
S: *looks on google* Yeah he is Chinese!
A: Where is he based?
S: In New York
A: He's not Chinese! He's Chinese American!
S: So.. what am I? NOT Chinese?
A: Yeah you are Chinese American! A 'gwai mui' (means 'devil girl' aka associated with white, non Asian people)!
I felt like I got shafted by all Hong Kong people just then. We will always be those people who fall in the cracks whether it comes to filling out tax return forms to applying for scholarships to answering the question "where are you from?" I think, perhaps, from now on I will start answering "from heaven" instead of explaining a long-winded tale (philippians 3:19-21). But it's funny isn't it, that we have so many prominent Chinese/Taiwanese American designers: Alexander Wang, Philip Lim, Peter Som and Jason Wu, but we don't say they are 'Chinese fashion designers' but 'American fashion designers'.
I'm rambling but I guess my main point is not about my identity but the fact that when I move, I feel at loss and when I have problems, I don't know who to turn to. I'm at a point now where I just want to pour out the everything from within so I can sort it out with a female of wisdom and clarity. A 'female' because of that snide remark that that pastor made about me when I shared with him my struggles to fit into a church, saying that I may be very good at manipulating men's hearts. I guess that hurt and fear of other people regarding me as manipulative still presides.
Anyhow, I was talking to God in the shower and it dawned on me that the more Satan kicks, screams and tries to drag as many people down with him, evermore is God's grace and goodness prevalent. And the more the devil tries to steer men's hearts away from God, the more God must be thinking how much more added worth it was to have His son die on the cross.
I know things will turn out for the better though it pains my heart now though 've been thrown into some confusion lately.
I've been wanting to do this for the past few months: a collection of Bible verses that I cherish especially when I'm struggling. Some words of encouragement from Scripture that has spoken so clearly to me this past year concerning the search of everlasting peace, guarding our hearts, being thankful in all states and finding strength in Christ:
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. -Proverbs 4:23
How does one guard one's heart? THE ANSWER IS HERE!!!
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 4-7
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God... Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 1: 1-3, 15
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:7-11
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. James 1: 2-7
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.
27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40: 26-31
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...
For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life....
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.
11 I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.
12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God. -Isaiah 43:10-12
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. -Ephesians 6:10
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13
Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. 3 He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. 4 Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. 5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. -Deuteronomy 8:2-5
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11
If I could, I would stick the entire book of Isaiah here. It gives me strength to read the words declared by God about Himself. I think that's why, to many people's surprise, I love the movie 'Gladiator'. Despite what people say that it is a 'guy movie', I love the predominant themes of fighting for justice and finding home. Likewise, we are not up against people but against the spiritual forces of evil as temporary citizens of this world called to live as citizens of heaven.
God, help me to see You and not my problems.
Last year I felt like I was on the pinnacle of it all. Somehow everything just fell into place with the grace and providence of God. It wasn't all without any pain: When I was struggling with forgiveness or relationships, God spoke to me so clearly, I knew with total confidence it was Him and not my head. There were so many things that I didn't ask for, particularly accountability partners and a good group of friends.
2009 was a year I was blessed beyond belief- where the growing pains of the first couple of college years just melted away.
2010 started with a lot of confusion and frustration. When I hear the piano tinkling the first few chords of the song above, a little part of me crumbles inside because of the attached memories to that song.
I think, for the most part, what I want is accountability once again. I need someone to help me run this race. For the most part, I realize what impression I have left in NYC is growing smaller and smaller. I've somewhat tried to ignore the fact that people there mean a lot to me, pushing our relations aside because I myself do not feel secure in missing people.
I'm not sure what to make of my mobility. One day I'm totally in love with being able to travel between the two biggest superpowers with total ease. I can swap my passports like Pokemon cards according to the situation. It makes me unique. Our parents' generation never had the privilege of moving so quickly, so smoothly and so securely. Canada was the ideal- the land of the free.
I was watching a friend's youtube channel of film clips he took at a bar when his friends were watching the US vs. Canada hockey game at the Vancouver Winter Olympics. In one part, they all start singing the national anthem in their drunken stupor, totally off key. I started singing along, pausing a few times forgetting a few of the phrases. I had forgotten the one national anthem I was drilled on as a kid.
When Canada won the gold medal in hockey, I was slightly thrilled. Also being another nationality, I will never feel the same euphoria as those who identify with one nationality. I remember back in Grade 8, I was fresh from Hong Kong back in the elementary school I left five years ago. We were having a French lesson and I had to say something with a line about someone called Wayne Gretzky. I made the mistake of saying, "who is that?" in front of the entire class to their aghast. I don't think if I asked who Jesus was, would I ever get such a response. Funny isn't it? If someone asked who Lady Gaga was wouldn't you say "I cant believe you've never heard of her! She's the pop icon of today with the crazy outfits!" yet if it was a question about the identity of Jesus you wouldn't get a similar response such as "Wow I can't believe you've never heard of the creator and savior of this world!"
Hitting closer to home, one day I was talking to my aunt about upcoming fashion designers- the ones that every fashion-interested person is orgasming about these days. One is Alexander Wang with his sexy sportswear secretarial looks: he's only 25 and is nominated for the Best Womenswear Award by the CFDA.
This is the conversation that ensued with my aunt:
A: So his name is Alexander Wang? What nationality is he?
S: He's Chinese I think
A: He can't be Chinese
S: *looks on google* Yeah he is Chinese!
A: Where is he based?
S: In New York
A: He's not Chinese! He's Chinese American!
S: So.. what am I? NOT Chinese?
A: Yeah you are Chinese American! A 'gwai mui' (means 'devil girl' aka associated with white, non Asian people)!
I felt like I got shafted by all Hong Kong people just then. We will always be those people who fall in the cracks whether it comes to filling out tax return forms to applying for scholarships to answering the question "where are you from?" I think, perhaps, from now on I will start answering "from heaven" instead of explaining a long-winded tale (philippians 3:19-21). But it's funny isn't it, that we have so many prominent Chinese/Taiwanese American designers: Alexander Wang, Philip Lim, Peter Som and Jason Wu, but we don't say they are 'Chinese fashion designers' but 'American fashion designers'.
I'm rambling but I guess my main point is not about my identity but the fact that when I move, I feel at loss and when I have problems, I don't know who to turn to. I'm at a point now where I just want to pour out the everything from within so I can sort it out with a female of wisdom and clarity. A 'female' because of that snide remark that that pastor made about me when I shared with him my struggles to fit into a church, saying that I may be very good at manipulating men's hearts. I guess that hurt and fear of other people regarding me as manipulative still presides.
Anyhow, I was talking to God in the shower and it dawned on me that the more Satan kicks, screams and tries to drag as many people down with him, evermore is God's grace and goodness prevalent. And the more the devil tries to steer men's hearts away from God, the more God must be thinking how much more added worth it was to have His son die on the cross.
I know things will turn out for the better though it pains my heart now though 've been thrown into some confusion lately.
I've been wanting to do this for the past few months: a collection of Bible verses that I cherish especially when I'm struggling. Some words of encouragement from Scripture that has spoken so clearly to me this past year concerning the search of everlasting peace, guarding our hearts, being thankful in all states and finding strength in Christ:
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. -Proverbs 4:23
How does one guard one's heart? THE ANSWER IS HERE!!!
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 4-7
1Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God... Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 1: 1-3, 15
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:1-2
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:7-11
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. James 1: 2-7
Lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.
27 Why do you say, O Jacob,
and complain, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD;
my cause is disregarded by my God"?
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40: 26-31
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...
For I am the LORD, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you. Isaiah 41:13
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life....
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD,
"and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
nor will there be one after me.
11 I, even I, am the LORD,
and apart from me there is no savior.
12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God. -Isaiah 43:10-12
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. -Ephesians 6:10
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13
Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. 3 He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. 4 Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. 5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the LORD your God disciplines you. -Deuteronomy 8:2-5
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11
If I could, I would stick the entire book of Isaiah here. It gives me strength to read the words declared by God about Himself. I think that's why, to many people's surprise, I love the movie 'Gladiator'. Despite what people say that it is a 'guy movie', I love the predominant themes of fighting for justice and finding home. Likewise, we are not up against people but against the spiritual forces of evil as temporary citizens of this world called to live as citizens of heaven.
God, help me to see You and not my problems.
