Whoa! It's an Update!// I Will Remember You

hope deferred makes the heart sick, but longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13: 12


Love this street styling in China. My current style is very much like the girl except my hair is a lot longer.

I don't know where to begin or even whether or not I should even say what's happened this past while- because, well, no one else would really understand the scope of how fast life is going for me. This semester has been a wind tunnel. A good one that is. I can't begin to even express what happened the last two weeks let alone the last two and a half months in my relationships with my roommate, other senior IDC students in my SG, my SG and with my group of canadian friends. God has been changing me quickly from the inside out. Everything just went by too fast. I haven't even had time to blog because I was so caught up with life itself. I felt like time caught my breath away.

Exhale.

Yesterday I met up with a friend who I hadn't really had time to talk to one on one for since Boston. After I recounted the situations, stories and encounters that passed me by those 1.5 months, she was astonished to the sheer number of events that occured in my life.

I was talking to my roommate and we realized that we've exchanged lives. I sleep about five hours a night (by leisurely choice), pump out menswear sketches every week and go to K town for food at least twice a week while she goes to chinatown more than I sleeps relatively early. She also hangs out with only Chinese/Cantonese people while I'm surrounded by koreans.

Yeah I'm skimming the surface, I know. But here we go:

-Last Sunday I went to see Wicked with three friends, came back to my place, and then went to studio. Kenka at 1:30am. Friend hits his head on the booth outside and his head starts bleeding .:S
-Saturday: We've been practicing for Epiphany,a worship outreach event, and encountered a lot of technical problems which I felt were rooted in our 'failure' to align ourselves with God. We played our own renditions of I Can Only Imagine and Who am I. We rented a studio a couple of times while my friend and I who were playing violin met up separately to figure out our parts (over two cupcakes and two cakes.. LOL). Last minute we really got it together. We got a drummer LAST MINUTE (like the night before). We were first on the line up on worship team and thankfully it went really well. People came up to me after saying "Wow I didn't know you even played violin" or "I was really touched by the service" Pad thai in the rain. It was deja vu all over again.
-I've been looking forward to my Tuesdays. We went to Cha-An and then proceeded to walk to Soho to look at shoes. Weeks before, we went to eat takoyaki/okonomiyaki and then browsed stores until dinner.
-Saturday prior we went to the MET because it was raining and we couldnt' go ice skating. Shanghai dumplings after (xiao lung bao) and Max Brenners.
-I've become really good friends with the girl from HK who lives in the same apartment complex as I. I see her as my jie jie (older sister) for she is scarily like me when it comes to relationships. Every Tuesday we talk over croquis and technical flat drawing. Yesterday a bunch of us girls started talking about guys- one of them wistfully going through the whole "he loves me.. he loves me not" phase. Mind you these girls are at least 25-30 years old. It was so very cute. I love that class although we don't really do anything.
-Chocolate Show- I had the best jasmine infused chocolate. We went around sampling free chocolates at every booth. We went for dinner somewhere after but I've totally forgotten. OH right. Zen Palate with Jerllin too.
-Bonchon Chicken- famous korean chicken with roommate and two classmates and Tommy. I was so excited about going there that I dreamt about it the night before. I had no idea it was going to be a lounge atmosphere but good chicken.
-I witnessed someone with the gift of prophesy. The gift of tongues. Prayer meeting was intense that day. You could feel the Holy Spirit thread its way through each of us as we prayed for each person. I was praying through the Holy Spirit giving me the words to say- usually through Scripture or lyrics of a song. I don't normally cry when praying, but the entire SG was just crying out to God. As I've said before there are different kinds of crying- this one being where the body is still and the tears just roll down the face with the Holy Spirit giving me the words to pray for the person. Two and a half hour prayer meeting. I was friggin hungry after. Galbi Tang at Kunjip. Yum.
-Brunch with two SG girls in my IDC class. Amazing brunch of pumpkin pancakes, breakfast style bread pudding and wheat toast and garlic omelette. Except the chef was one scary character. Later on, she sent me an email since I was asking her about spiritual gifts, and I prayed according to her instruction.
-My friend sent me a facebook message last night telling me she was praying for me for something I was concerned about. It makes my heart glad when people pray for me.
-I threw in all my cards this time round. I realize I can no longer place my hope in people so I had to let it go. I knew what to expect but the fear and anticipation struck my heart sick for a week. I'm glad I confronted the person although it was a in way indirect. Courage- that took a lot of. I did it. I finally did it. I did what my jie jie has never done and regrets not doing when she was 21. Dinner with her tonight! :)
-Monday: my two friends and I met up at Bryant Park for japanese food just ten hours after we saw each other the night before. lol. Afterwards one of them mentioned he wanted to get a winter jacket so we proceeded to go to the H&M across the street. We spotted the burgundy denim for guys and decided to go on a manhunt for them. Unfortunately they said they probably only carry size 30 at the Fifth Ave store. The guy who wanted to get the winter coat ended up with a vest and went back to work. We found those Canadian hats- those knit cable things with the flaps on the side to protect the ears; my friend places it on his head and proceeds to jump and proclaim, "I'm a croquis!" (my friends say that when he jumps, he looks like one of my illustration models). Anyway we decided to embark on a journey to find the burgundy denim pants and walked 12 blocks to the flagship store only to find that they also did not carry size 30. No matter, we found a really nice white dress shirt with only pleats on one side of the centerfront but on the back, there is a dart at the sleeve with three long pleats on the right side of the shirt. Super cool. I made him buy it. He made me buy this hoodie with a turtleneck and a pale pink chiffon dress. Yeah, we were retarded. I basically spent 2 hours shopping rather than prototyping for thesis. We realized it was dark by the time we finished shopping and went our separate ways: he to figure out his life because he wants to change schools, and I to finish another round of menswear illustrations. We then met up at 9 again at another friends' to watch Heroes. LOL. I stayed up till 5am doing my presentation that day.
-We have decided to do Christmas caroling in NYC this year after doing our own rendition of this korean children's song called 'If I were on Television" (ref to facebook post). We are gonna call it the "Hana Kimi Christmas Caroling Choir" after the j drama LOL. Marching around NYC with a violin, vocals, tambourine, makeshift drums and guitar. Hm. Not bad.
-More to come: miyazaki night, ice skating at bryant park, the nutcracker.
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I Will Remember You


Heart shaped polaroids: can you say j drama? XD The funny thing is this heart shaped arrangement was suggested and executed by guys. LOL

It was really bittersweet.
Usually when someone leaves, it's a lonely grieving.
Usually when I miss someone, it's a solo journey.
The melody is the same, but the lyrics have changed.
Well this time, the realization that 2.5 months just flew past us was collectively felt.
It dawned on us that Sunday that a member from this ecclectic family of friends was actually going.
And we realized it wouldn't be the same.


Holding all the people he met in his hands. Sounds so sappy but I really like this photo.

I'm speaking in code unless you saw all the facebook pictures that my friends posted then maybe you have some inkling of an idea the series of events that took place.
The one friend from Vancouver left after 2.5 months of school here. We decided to throw him a party to send him off so we went to shabu shabu. Unfortunately we were all split up: there were ten of us but they could only seat six people downstairs and four upstairs. I volunteered for the four person along with my accountability partner and two guys. I also made green tea tiramisu and normal tiramisu because I was given the challenge to make it look pretty. I think I kinda succeeded except I forgot to take pictures of them :S Stupid me.
Well our four person table got out first and spent half an hour in the cold making our own remix to a korean childrens' song which we performed to the group of six and then headed to k town for karaoke. They sang and he took out his polaroid camera and we all took two pics each so that he could keep one and we could keep the other. It was a really nice place- and he deceived us into thinking he was going to the bathroom when in fact he paid for the hour of K. T-T We felt so bad because we were going to treat him but he was showing his gratitude for all of us. To buy more time we loitered at the korean bakery across the street with overpriced drinks. The SLRs came out and it was like Santa Claus came to visit and we were all children lining up to take a picture with our favourite jolly red man. There we divided the polaroids and wrote something on his to keep. He also wrote us each a thank you card and at that point we were all like AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
It was sad. At 12:30am we were all pretty quiet, soaking up the realization that it was time to say goodbye. We got the waiter to take a few group pics for us and kinda gave him tips on how to use a 5D and a Rebel XTI- only to realize that he was a friggin SLR expert. LOL. You don't have to ask the Asians how to use an SLR, that's for sure. That's what happened at the shabu shabu place too. They know their cameras. lol.

We left the bakery and stood around in a circle and prayed over him and then proceeded to group hug at the entrance of the subway station (honestly to anyone beyond our circle, we must have looked like drunkards) to which surfaced the awkward question of "now what?" After a little more loitering, we waited until the walking signal gave him the go and waved goodbye.

Writing all this down here only paints part of a memory that exists only in my head now. It's not that I want anyone else to know how I felt but I just want to be able to remember, down the road, how I was feeling that day because Howl's castle is so hard to find. This is what this group of people are to me; people who have crossed paths and decided to invest more time with one another. And people will always be coming in and out. People have been walking in and out of this circle of people- accepting all who come in and saying goodbye to all those who have another path to take.

But these are all the gifts that God has graciously been giving me. I realized, that when I met all these people, they were not of my own doing. Funnily enough in one instance there was one person I did want to meet and didn't have a chance to but it really was through God's grace that He lead that person in my life after my accountability partner introduced me to the person. A series of 'coincidences' ordained by God to allow me to open up to them, serve them as well take pleasure in their company. As much as I'd like to grasp onto these fledgling friendships, it is not in my power to do so. The only thing I'd be doing is stifling the relationship and killing myself emotionally. So if He decides to let us meet again, let it be so. You brought them into my life and now they go, You have the power to bring them back if it is in Your Will. These are the gifts of friendship that God has provided me so then let these things not become idols. These are my words of praise to You- the very thing I've been meditating on in my prayers:

Be my Hope, be the Center,
The dwelling place of my heart,
The refuge for my soul.
Will I only have eyes for you
Be the first thing I remember when I wake,
Be the Omega when my head finds rest.
You are unchanging,
Will you open the eyes of my heart
So that I will see no one else but You.
As my friend said, I am fixated on the fries, but will You show me the steak?
LOL.

(I know the first part sounds like lyrics from a worship song or a passage from Psalms until you realize I start talking about french fries and slabs of cow)

Citizenship of the Heart

Through my devos in the morning, God has revealed a lot to me hence here is my testimony served up blog-style with a chockful of Scripture that I believe the Spirit has given to me in discerning my path. If anything, read the Bible verses because they really helped me stick to the yellow brick road (that leads to Heaven NOT Oz):
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Home is where the heart is.
My heart's in too many people at once. -from an earlier post in May.

For years I never really knew what to write down as a testimony; I've never done drugs (I have sinned and done wrong but not in the climatical way we movie addicts like to see) nor did I have a pivotal point in my life where I decided I wanted Jesus to be my Saviour. I grew up in a Christian family, had a relatively undramatic, non tear-jerking life.
But as Christmas looms near, it has become evident exactly what I would write and testify.
All my life I have been seeking for Home which became really apparent during my years in college living 'alone.' Growing up with three citizenships made me realize that Home is impossible to find in a physical space because what one place has it also lacks another. Chicago, Toronto, Hong Kong, New York; good chinese food, bad chinese food, crowded and interesting, quiet and boring.
Last year I figured that if Home was not in a physical place, then it must be within the hearts of other people. For if the things in life we seek are not actual physical, material objects, then it must be in the intangible: love, trust, relationships, honesty, truth. What could be greater than to seek those things and to give in return to those who we love around us?
So I sought to find those precious immaterial things giving all that I could to the people around me. Trust in people until they make you think otherwise, love people unconditionally, accept them as they are: in sum, focus on relationships. That is the true noble pursuit: in people than in objects for material things, no matter how much you love them, will never reciprocate.
In some measure all that I believed in truly was out of sincerity, innocence and love. Yet like most sins, they start off small and grow to be immense problems and stumbling blocks.

A year later, in my naivete, I realized that I had become someone who thrived on the feelings of others towards me. I became so emotionally invested in some relationships, I failed to see that I had forgotten to place God in the center of them all. I agonized over the reasons why they weren't reciprocating in the ways I was giving; and I gave so much I was exhausted and socially burned out.
I didn't understand why when you gave, people didn't take note and want to reciprocate. In my mind I thought that, like in j dramas, people in the end would notice your sincerity in your desire to foster a friendship thus they would work equally as hard to strengthen the bond between the both of us. Sadly that is not so.

You can say that I was extremely up and down the past year and a half. I harboured a lot of bitterness through my naivete and assumptions of people and also began to pity myself because no one seemed to care.

It was revealed to me this year the absence of God in my relationships- that in my pursuit for the unearthly, intangible things, I still tried to find in the hearts of people on earth. My heart was still in people. For the longest time, I thought if home was where the heart is, mine would rest in people, for moving has taught me to not become too attached to a physical place since it cannot go with you wherever you go.

The conclusion to all my struggles and grief the past couple of years boils down to this rather plain, obvious but powerful statement: I discovered that home cannot be found in a physical space, or material objects or the people around me, but in Christ. My three citizenships boils down to nothing for the passport that we all truly desire is one that is not found on earth but in heaven:

Philippians 3: 20
...Their mind is on earthly things. 20But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,

Ephesians 2: 19-22
19Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, 20built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.

If home is where the heart is, may it dwell in the refuge of God. For people are wayward and self seeking. How did I not see that in the Bible it says so many times about seeking refuge- a dwelling place- in God Almighty? I love that passage: words like 'citizen', 'cornerstone', 'building', 'temple', 'dwelling', 'lives': HELLO does it not sum up all that I have wanted all my life? A place to call home?:

Psalms 118: 6-9
6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can human beings do to me? 7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies. 8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in human beings. 9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.

If home is where the heart is, then let all that I cherish, value, build up rest in heaven which will never perish. I now see so much of the parable of the Prodigal Son within myself than before:

Matthew 6:19-21
19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

God, let my heart rest in You.
If there was a soundtrack to my testimony it would be this:

Come Home Running- Chris Tomlin
O heart of mine why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away,
And one more time you have to pay
A heaviness of needless shame.
O heart of mine,
Come back home,
You've been too long out on your own,
And He's been there all along,
Watching for you down the road.
So come home running his arms are open wide,
His name is Jesus,
He understands,
He is the answer you are looking for,
So come home running
Just as you are.

I love how the Japanese have a word to welcome people home: Okaeri. I wish the Chinese had something like that. Okaeri, welcome home. You are loved; may you find rest here in this place.
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After Thoughts

Despite all these realizations the past month, I've discovered how wayward my heart still is. Although I have placed all my hope and anxious thoughts on God, I still notice that the eyes of my heart still wander to desires of the flesh. It takes a lot of conscious effort to horse-rein myself in hence my devos yesterday was greatly satisfied in this passage:

Psalm 25:14-18, 20-21
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. 20 Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. 21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,because my hope is in you.

"You're in love. Sighing away like that. I thought so" -Witch of the Waste, Howl's Moving Castle.

Psalm 38:9
All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.

I've learned, although human advice speaks of both experience and knowledge with good intentions, I need to seek God's wisdom first before listening to the counsel of others. For Man is flawed and can only seen in part, thus it is wise to pray to God with all kinds of requests in the Spirit for He is perfect and knows in full what is to come. For what we perceive as wise, is foolish in God's sight. Therefore friends can only give you flawed advice which must not be fully trusted (I am not saying to not trust your friends but do not base all decisions on what other people say, rather on God).

It's been really funny these days: I've never experienced such a thirst to know God's will for me in His word nor such a strong desire to pray. Whenever I feel anxious or stressed, I automatically pray. And when I pray, I've never experienced such profound words flow through my heart and onto my lips. They're not words of wisdom that would move the hearts of unbelievers but they nail down exactly the heart of every issue that I pray for. They're a mixture of my own thoughts laced with Scripture that I've been meditating on through my devos. I am convinced that the Holy Spirit is praying through me so that I ask the right things to God.
Dang, I really love Psalms!

My heart is glad, because it rejoices in you.

Honestly, I still struggle a lot with human relationships. Because they were my idols in the past does not mean I've put it all behind me and am no longer in its grip. I am still very susceptible to its power therefore I am in constant prayer and am asking my accountability partner, SG leaders to constantly pray for me.

Now I understand; He is the giver of all things. I've given so much to people through my own effort and it just fell through like nets with holes in it. I've realized that you cannot just give, you have to receive to give. You cannot give freely without having received freely first. Ever since I came to these realizations, I feel refreshed through the receiving of God's blessings. I finally feel like I'm being nourished and not parched as I was with human relationships. Giving makes you thirsty. Who is watering your soul?

Ok it's 2:38am. Time to sleep. Oh, pray and then sleep. :)
I need to cut down this entire thing to one page and refine the text... Ah: to do for tomorrow!