Citizenship of the Heart
Through my devos in the morning, God has revealed a lot to me hence here is my testimony served up blog-style with a chockful of Scripture that I believe the Spirit has given to me in discerning my path. If anything, read the Bible verses because they really helped me stick to the yellow brick road (that leads to Heaven NOT Oz):
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Home is where the heart is.
My heart's in too many people at once. -from an earlier post in May.
For years I never really knew what to write down as a testimony; I've never done drugs (I have sinned and done wrong but not in the climatical way we movie addicts like to see) nor did I have a pivotal point in my life where I decided I wanted Jesus to be my Saviour. I grew up in a Christian family, had a relatively undramatic, non tear-jerking life.
But as Christmas looms near, it has become evident exactly what I would write and testify.
All my life I have been seeking for Home which became really apparent during my years in college living 'alone.' Growing up with three citizenships made me realize that Home is impossible to find in a physical space because what one place has it also lacks another. Chicago, Toronto, Hong Kong, New York; good chinese food, bad chinese food, crowded and interesting, quiet and boring.
Last year I figured that if Home was not in a physical place, then it must be within the hearts of other people. For if the things in life we seek are not actual physical, material objects, then it must be in the intangible: love, trust, relationships, honesty, truth. What could be greater than to seek those things and to give in return to those who we love around us?
So I sought to find those precious immaterial things giving all that I could to the people around me. Trust in people until they make you think otherwise, love people unconditionally, accept them as they are: in sum, focus on relationships. That is the true noble pursuit: in people than in objects for material things, no matter how much you love them, will never reciprocate.
In some measure all that I believed in truly was out of sincerity, innocence and love. Yet like most sins, they start off small and grow to be immense problems and stumbling blocks.
A year later, in my naivete, I realized that I had become someone who thrived on the feelings of others towards me. I became so emotionally invested in some relationships, I failed to see that I had forgotten to place God in the center of them all. I agonized over the reasons why they weren't reciprocating in the ways I was giving; and I gave so much I was exhausted and socially burned out.
I didn't understand why when you gave, people didn't take note and want to reciprocate. In my mind I thought that, like in j dramas, people in the end would notice your sincerity in your desire to foster a friendship thus they would work equally as hard to strengthen the bond between the both of us. Sadly that is not so.
You can say that I was extremely up and down the past year and a half. I harboured a lot of bitterness through my naivete and assumptions of people and also began to pity myself because no one seemed to care.
It was revealed to me this year the absence of God in my relationships- that in my pursuit for the unearthly, intangible things, I still tried to find in the hearts of people on earth. My heart was still in people. For the longest time, I thought if home was where the heart is, mine would rest in people, for moving has taught me to not become too attached to a physical place since it cannot go with you wherever you go.
The conclusion to all my struggles and grief the past couple of years boils down to this rather plain, obvious but powerful statement: I discovered that home cannot be found in a physical space, or material objects or the people around me, but in Christ. My three citizenships boils down to nothing for the passport that we all truly desire is one that is not found on earth but in heaven:
Philippians 3: 20
...Their mind is on earthly things. 20But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,
Ephesians 2: 19-22
19Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, 20built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
If home is where the heart is, may it dwell in the refuge of God. For people are wayward and self seeking. How did I not see that in the Bible it says so many times about seeking refuge- a dwelling place- in God Almighty? I love that passage: words like 'citizen', 'cornerstone', 'building', 'temple', 'dwelling', 'lives': HELLO does it not sum up all that I have wanted all my life? A place to call home?:
Psalms 118: 6-9
6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can human beings do to me? 7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies. 8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in human beings. 9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.
If home is where the heart is, then let all that I cherish, value, build up rest in heaven which will never perish. I now see so much of the parable of the Prodigal Son within myself than before:
Matthew 6:19-21
19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
God, let my heart rest in You.
If there was a soundtrack to my testimony it would be this:
Come Home Running- Chris Tomlin
O heart of mine why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away,
And one more time you have to pay
A heaviness of needless shame.
O heart of mine,
Come back home,
You've been too long out on your own,
And He's been there all along,
Watching for you down the road.
So come home running his arms are open wide,
His name is Jesus,
He understands,
He is the answer you are looking for,
So come home running
Just as you are.
I love how the Japanese have a word to welcome people home: Okaeri. I wish the Chinese had something like that. Okaeri, welcome home. You are loved; may you find rest here in this place.
-----------------------------------------------------
After Thoughts
Despite all these realizations the past month, I've discovered how wayward my heart still is. Although I have placed all my hope and anxious thoughts on God, I still notice that the eyes of my heart still wander to desires of the flesh. It takes a lot of conscious effort to horse-rein myself in hence my devos yesterday was greatly satisfied in this passage:
Psalm 25:14-18, 20-21
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. 20 Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. 21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,because my hope is in you.
"You're in love. Sighing away like that. I thought so" -Witch of the Waste, Howl's Moving Castle.
Psalm 38:9
All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.
I've learned, although human advice speaks of both experience and knowledge with good intentions, I need to seek God's wisdom first before listening to the counsel of others. For Man is flawed and can only seen in part, thus it is wise to pray to God with all kinds of requests in the Spirit for He is perfect and knows in full what is to come. For what we perceive as wise, is foolish in God's sight. Therefore friends can only give you flawed advice which must not be fully trusted (I am not saying to not trust your friends but do not base all decisions on what other people say, rather on God).
It's been really funny these days: I've never experienced such a thirst to know God's will for me in His word nor such a strong desire to pray. Whenever I feel anxious or stressed, I automatically pray. And when I pray, I've never experienced such profound words flow through my heart and onto my lips. They're not words of wisdom that would move the hearts of unbelievers but they nail down exactly the heart of every issue that I pray for. They're a mixture of my own thoughts laced with Scripture that I've been meditating on through my devos. I am convinced that the Holy Spirit is praying through me so that I ask the right things to God.
Dang, I really love Psalms!
My heart is glad, because it rejoices in you.
Honestly, I still struggle a lot with human relationships. Because they were my idols in the past does not mean I've put it all behind me and am no longer in its grip. I am still very susceptible to its power therefore I am in constant prayer and am asking my accountability partner, SG leaders to constantly pray for me.
Now I understand; He is the giver of all things. I've given so much to people through my own effort and it just fell through like nets with holes in it. I've realized that you cannot just give, you have to receive to give. You cannot give freely without having received freely first. Ever since I came to these realizations, I feel refreshed through the receiving of God's blessings. I finally feel like I'm being nourished and not parched as I was with human relationships. Giving makes you thirsty. Who is watering your soul?
Ok it's 2:38am. Time to sleep. Oh, pray and then sleep. :)
I need to cut down this entire thing to one page and refine the text... Ah: to do for tomorrow!
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Home is where the heart is.
My heart's in too many people at once. -from an earlier post in May.
For years I never really knew what to write down as a testimony; I've never done drugs (I have sinned and done wrong but not in the climatical way we movie addicts like to see) nor did I have a pivotal point in my life where I decided I wanted Jesus to be my Saviour. I grew up in a Christian family, had a relatively undramatic, non tear-jerking life.
But as Christmas looms near, it has become evident exactly what I would write and testify.
All my life I have been seeking for Home which became really apparent during my years in college living 'alone.' Growing up with three citizenships made me realize that Home is impossible to find in a physical space because what one place has it also lacks another. Chicago, Toronto, Hong Kong, New York; good chinese food, bad chinese food, crowded and interesting, quiet and boring.
Last year I figured that if Home was not in a physical place, then it must be within the hearts of other people. For if the things in life we seek are not actual physical, material objects, then it must be in the intangible: love, trust, relationships, honesty, truth. What could be greater than to seek those things and to give in return to those who we love around us?
So I sought to find those precious immaterial things giving all that I could to the people around me. Trust in people until they make you think otherwise, love people unconditionally, accept them as they are: in sum, focus on relationships. That is the true noble pursuit: in people than in objects for material things, no matter how much you love them, will never reciprocate.
In some measure all that I believed in truly was out of sincerity, innocence and love. Yet like most sins, they start off small and grow to be immense problems and stumbling blocks.
A year later, in my naivete, I realized that I had become someone who thrived on the feelings of others towards me. I became so emotionally invested in some relationships, I failed to see that I had forgotten to place God in the center of them all. I agonized over the reasons why they weren't reciprocating in the ways I was giving; and I gave so much I was exhausted and socially burned out.
I didn't understand why when you gave, people didn't take note and want to reciprocate. In my mind I thought that, like in j dramas, people in the end would notice your sincerity in your desire to foster a friendship thus they would work equally as hard to strengthen the bond between the both of us. Sadly that is not so.
You can say that I was extremely up and down the past year and a half. I harboured a lot of bitterness through my naivete and assumptions of people and also began to pity myself because no one seemed to care.
It was revealed to me this year the absence of God in my relationships- that in my pursuit for the unearthly, intangible things, I still tried to find in the hearts of people on earth. My heart was still in people. For the longest time, I thought if home was where the heart is, mine would rest in people, for moving has taught me to not become too attached to a physical place since it cannot go with you wherever you go.
The conclusion to all my struggles and grief the past couple of years boils down to this rather plain, obvious but powerful statement: I discovered that home cannot be found in a physical space, or material objects or the people around me, but in Christ. My three citizenships boils down to nothing for the passport that we all truly desire is one that is not found on earth but in heaven:
Philippians 3: 20
...Their mind is on earthly things. 20But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,
Ephesians 2: 19-22
19Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, 20built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
If home is where the heart is, may it dwell in the refuge of God. For people are wayward and self seeking. How did I not see that in the Bible it says so many times about seeking refuge- a dwelling place- in God Almighty? I love that passage: words like 'citizen', 'cornerstone', 'building', 'temple', 'dwelling', 'lives': HELLO does it not sum up all that I have wanted all my life? A place to call home?:
Psalms 118: 6-9
6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can human beings do to me? 7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies. 8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in human beings. 9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.
If home is where the heart is, then let all that I cherish, value, build up rest in heaven which will never perish. I now see so much of the parable of the Prodigal Son within myself than before:
Matthew 6:19-21
19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
God, let my heart rest in You.
If there was a soundtrack to my testimony it would be this:
Come Home Running- Chris Tomlin
O heart of mine why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away,
And one more time you have to pay
A heaviness of needless shame.
O heart of mine,
Come back home,
You've been too long out on your own,
And He's been there all along,
Watching for you down the road.
So come home running his arms are open wide,
His name is Jesus,
He understands,
He is the answer you are looking for,
So come home running
Just as you are.
I love how the Japanese have a word to welcome people home: Okaeri. I wish the Chinese had something like that. Okaeri, welcome home. You are loved; may you find rest here in this place.
-----------------------------------------------------
After Thoughts
Despite all these realizations the past month, I've discovered how wayward my heart still is. Although I have placed all my hope and anxious thoughts on God, I still notice that the eyes of my heart still wander to desires of the flesh. It takes a lot of conscious effort to horse-rein myself in hence my devos yesterday was greatly satisfied in this passage:
Psalm 25:14-18, 20-21
14 The LORD confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.
15 My eyes are ever on the LORD, for only he will release my feet from the snare.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. 20 Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. 21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,because my hope is in you.
"You're in love. Sighing away like that. I thought so" -Witch of the Waste, Howl's Moving Castle.
Psalm 38:9
All my longings lie open before you, Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.
I've learned, although human advice speaks of both experience and knowledge with good intentions, I need to seek God's wisdom first before listening to the counsel of others. For Man is flawed and can only seen in part, thus it is wise to pray to God with all kinds of requests in the Spirit for He is perfect and knows in full what is to come. For what we perceive as wise, is foolish in God's sight. Therefore friends can only give you flawed advice which must not be fully trusted (I am not saying to not trust your friends but do not base all decisions on what other people say, rather on God).
It's been really funny these days: I've never experienced such a thirst to know God's will for me in His word nor such a strong desire to pray. Whenever I feel anxious or stressed, I automatically pray. And when I pray, I've never experienced such profound words flow through my heart and onto my lips. They're not words of wisdom that would move the hearts of unbelievers but they nail down exactly the heart of every issue that I pray for. They're a mixture of my own thoughts laced with Scripture that I've been meditating on through my devos. I am convinced that the Holy Spirit is praying through me so that I ask the right things to God.
Dang, I really love Psalms!
My heart is glad, because it rejoices in you.
Honestly, I still struggle a lot with human relationships. Because they were my idols in the past does not mean I've put it all behind me and am no longer in its grip. I am still very susceptible to its power therefore I am in constant prayer and am asking my accountability partner, SG leaders to constantly pray for me.
Now I understand; He is the giver of all things. I've given so much to people through my own effort and it just fell through like nets with holes in it. I've realized that you cannot just give, you have to receive to give. You cannot give freely without having received freely first. Ever since I came to these realizations, I feel refreshed through the receiving of God's blessings. I finally feel like I'm being nourished and not parched as I was with human relationships. Giving makes you thirsty. Who is watering your soul?
Ok it's 2:38am. Time to sleep. Oh, pray and then sleep. :)
I need to cut down this entire thing to one page and refine the text... Ah: to do for tomorrow!
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