Posting Two Weeks Later..

Close up! XD

I never remember what I pray for precisely but man... I must have prayed to be broken because God revealed in me through my roommate, all the things I need to work on in my personal life.

Honestly when she first shared with me all the character flaws she saw in me, I was really surprised which turned to anger/frustration and then hurt. At that point I stopped talk to her all together because I wasn't too sure as to how to respond. I decided to confide in my 'oldest' friend (as in the number of years we've known each other) and who has some idea of where I am spiritually/mentally. Basically he Mark Driscolled me (need I mention names?).

There were a lot of things I initially wanted to say in reply to her opinions of me. Yet the only thing I could really think of saying was,
"I'm sorry, I'll change."
The strangest thing happened: I became really happy.
Last night we became a lot closer in a way because we were able to talk about our frustrations with each other and each other's character flaws and how we could work them out.

Who needs powers when you have what God already gave you? Seriously. I don't need to fly or stop time or kill people with my eyes (yes I'm making Heroes references so if you don't watch it then.... it's going to blow over). I've realized the gifts/talents/abilities that God has already given us are more than enough for us to manage/control.
I've realized my strengths are also my weaknesses.
For example, one point brought up was that I am really sensitive. I've been told that all my life so I would bottle up all my feelings and then explode. I get hurt easily by people's remarks that may come out really blunt or in a joking manner. So you can imagine what happened to me last year when I decided to get out more socially. Not good. Anger turned into hurt which turned into resentment which then harboured self pity and bitterness. Yeah I'm bitter; I'm actually bitter with a lot of people right now. Not that I'm holding grudges against them but I've refused to initiate any conversation with them unless they speak first. Recognizing is the first part of the healing.
On the flip side, my hyper sensitivity is also my love language; if you mention something you like or a particular activity you enjoy doing, usually I pick it up and file it away in case it's your birthday or for some special event. Yesterday I went to a vegan bakery and remembered my friend who just yesterday told me he was allergic to all dairy/cow related products and wheat so I bought him gluten free cupcakes (so good) because he couldn't have any of the birthday cake we baked. My sensitivity is what makes me as a designer- I'm very detail oriented and conscious of design as a whole and as a system.

Another flaw of mine is that I'm judgmental. I don't mean to be most of the time but because I'm sensitive, I'm critical and when I'm critical I usually pass a strong judgment on one thing or another. I'm also very calculated with my words, I actually think before I speak and sometimes it takes me so long to figure out the exact damage that would be done through my words, I never end up voicing them hence they get bottled inside of me.

Anyway I was talking to my friend and she said this to me which was really encouraging because I never saw it like this before:

"see thats what i find so interesting about you, you are shy and you are so afraid of rejections, yet you love people and you want to be with people cus ppl i know that are shy and afraid of rejections usually isolate themselves
not just by talking
but with like..
everything!!!"


White Chocolate Raspberry Cheesecake for my friend's birthday