Letting Go: I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned... my soul, Lord, to You surrendered, all I am is Yours.
"in this world we obey to be accepted by others but if God is in us, we obey because we are already accepted"
Talk about smacking me in the face.
Personally I do not find the sermons my pastor preaches really relevant in my life; I mean things that I don't already know. I know this sounds bad but he doesn't convey his words in a fashion that I can really understand. There's not much structure in his sermons which makes it difficult for me to follow. I know he knows his theology but he doesn't say it in a way that allows me to understand it. But today the entire sermon pretty much nailed down everything that I've been struggling with this past year.
I think God has revealed in me several things that I should be working on. You see, the past year I was very up and down depending on the state of my relationships with other people in Toronto and New York.
Sometimes I think we don't realize we are sinning until God reveals to us the idols in our life.
This past year has been difficult. Correction maybe the past two years. I was having dinner with a former roommate who wondered how people outside of New York perceive New Yorkers: they probably see us as depressed, uptight and neurotic. I agree. I've become really neurotic in my relationships: I call people several times and if they dont pick up, I text them. I was sitting at my desk working on my croquis (to be posted up tomorrow) and thinking when my friend was going to call me to confirm dinner. I was so scared she was going to bail that I called her three times and texted her twice. On one hand I see it as myself being a control freak trying to take ahold of every single facet of my planned schedule but on the other, it's only fair that you communicate with someone else if you have set plans. I've been flaked on so many times the past two years, the reason why I call and text over and over is because I'm just paranoid I'd be dropped at the last minute.
Anyway the past year my relationships became an idol. Friendships that I perceived as stagnant or people who were not reciprocating in my attempts to reach out to them really got to me. I realized, within this month, that this has got to stop.
Sadly this means dropping a few friendships that I've been holding tightly on to. I can safely say that I really did try in these relationships, trying to be as considerate and generous as possible as well as transparent and honest with how I felt. Oh I gave; I gave so much this past year that I gave more to these human relationships than to God. I'm not a hard person to read; my love language to others is through my hands. I like to make stuff for people as an expression of friendship. Which is why I bake. And write. And plan events and gatherings. But what can I say? Some people just don't have the same priorities in a relationship as you do. And all I did in the past was to watch them slide and as they slid, tried to grab onto them, became bitter and was consumed by some in particular because they weren't going the way I wanted them to.
Our pastor quoted from Colossians 3:1-3:
"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."
Not by human effort.. not by human effort. In the past I was afraid of being too passive; that God wasn't providing because I wasn't creating opportunities for myself. It is now my daily prayer to ask God to reveal new opportunities as they come as well as opening my eyes to recognize them when they come.
The past week my accountability partner told me to bring my Bible to the chocolate restaurant so she could share this with me when I told her about my struggles with friendships:
Jeremiah 29: 11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Most people know this passage for verse 11 because it sounds as if God is about to hand us a life of luxury. The part where God tells us that He will listen to us when we come and pray, and when we seek Him earnestly with all our hearts, we would find Him really convicted me the past week.
He said, "is it 'cause of a guy? It's always a guy."
Our church retreat is this coming weekend (Fri to Sun). I decided not to go partially because I am going to Boston from Wed to Fri and that means I'd have a mother load of homework due the following week. But another reason that I haven't really shared with anyone there is that because of the struggles with relationships I've been having this past year, I don't want to be surrounded by more people 24/7. My natural inclination now is to try hard to build those friendships and yeah... as much as they call it a 'retreat', it's going to be socially and emotionally exhausting for me since I know I will start focusing on the people around me than with God. I'm trying to figure out what to do for Saturday. I do want to do a private retreat but I'm unsure of what to do right now. My accountability partner goes to leadership prayer meetings where they pray nonstop from 10pm to 3am. Sorry, I am not that spiritually 'strong' and my attention span is a little short. I'd rather figure out a method that works best for me in getting me focused and connected to God. Any ideas?
My devos have been good. I've been doing them consistently; going through Romans (so Calvinist XD) and am really encouraged by Paul's words. Prayer wise I am trying to keep a list of people I pray for daily; most include my closest friends, certain people who are ill or fighting a disease and someone in East Asia doing missions. I'm not really into the whole springboarding from one person to another at sporadic, random times like a side dish. Rather, I want to continually ask God to reveal His will in these particular people and watch them develop as Christians. And it's nice knowing that when people say they'll pray for you, they're ACTUALLY PRAYING for you. I tell those people I am praying for them because I want them to know that I'm spiritually there to support them. I want more friends that pray together rather than just talk to each other.
I don't know who is praying for me, but if you want to pray for me, pray that I put God in the center and not rely on human effort to build friendships; that I'd seek Him first before others. I want a hunger for Him not for anything else.
-----------------------------------------------
Small Group Wars today. Our cheer went well. Everyone was really wowed by our concept. I'll see if I can post it on youtube some day but my internet keeps dying on me as I'm trying to upload it.
Yesterday was fun. An archi friend and I went to the MOMA where I introduced to him the amazing cafeteria and its food (while eating pasta, I went to photograph the desserts for the book we're putting together). Went to the H&M flagship store later in hopes of finding him some more casual clothes but alas, nothing interesting waist up. We then bussed to K town where we spent a ton of time in a Korean bookstore and Morning Glory waiting for our other friends to come meet us for dinner. Finally: Betty, Joon, Yobi, Karen, David and I went to some Korean restaurant to eat: I got bimbimbap :P. After that we subbed down to Chinatown where we were misled to think we were walking the Brooklyn Bridge when in fact we were crossing the Williamsburg Bridge. Ah well. It was fun; David sharing his japanese and korean music with me and attempting to dance with shared earphones. We talked about what to do for Halloween: our eclectic bunch of friends could do well as Alice in Wonderland characters. It was 10pm when we arrived in Williamsburg- the hipster area of Brooklyn. I remembered there was a cafe I once went with a friend, we found it and behold! It was still open! So we got cake, soy shakes and tea there. ^^ And then we all hopped onto the train back to Manhattan; stopped by David's friggin amazing new NYU dorm to interview him and his roommate for my thesis and then walked back home with Joon. Overall, super chill and fun although I'm sick now. -_-
Now to plan musical, Epiphany and birthday party.
Note to self: DON'T GET STRESSED, TRUST IN GOD TO BRING US TOGETHER
Amen.
Talk about smacking me in the face.
Personally I do not find the sermons my pastor preaches really relevant in my life; I mean things that I don't already know. I know this sounds bad but he doesn't convey his words in a fashion that I can really understand. There's not much structure in his sermons which makes it difficult for me to follow. I know he knows his theology but he doesn't say it in a way that allows me to understand it. But today the entire sermon pretty much nailed down everything that I've been struggling with this past year.
I think God has revealed in me several things that I should be working on. You see, the past year I was very up and down depending on the state of my relationships with other people in Toronto and New York.
Sometimes I think we don't realize we are sinning until God reveals to us the idols in our life.
This past year has been difficult. Correction maybe the past two years. I was having dinner with a former roommate who wondered how people outside of New York perceive New Yorkers: they probably see us as depressed, uptight and neurotic. I agree. I've become really neurotic in my relationships: I call people several times and if they dont pick up, I text them. I was sitting at my desk working on my croquis (to be posted up tomorrow) and thinking when my friend was going to call me to confirm dinner. I was so scared she was going to bail that I called her three times and texted her twice. On one hand I see it as myself being a control freak trying to take ahold of every single facet of my planned schedule but on the other, it's only fair that you communicate with someone else if you have set plans. I've been flaked on so many times the past two years, the reason why I call and text over and over is because I'm just paranoid I'd be dropped at the last minute.
Anyway the past year my relationships became an idol. Friendships that I perceived as stagnant or people who were not reciprocating in my attempts to reach out to them really got to me. I realized, within this month, that this has got to stop.
Sadly this means dropping a few friendships that I've been holding tightly on to. I can safely say that I really did try in these relationships, trying to be as considerate and generous as possible as well as transparent and honest with how I felt. Oh I gave; I gave so much this past year that I gave more to these human relationships than to God. I'm not a hard person to read; my love language to others is through my hands. I like to make stuff for people as an expression of friendship. Which is why I bake. And write. And plan events and gatherings. But what can I say? Some people just don't have the same priorities in a relationship as you do. And all I did in the past was to watch them slide and as they slid, tried to grab onto them, became bitter and was consumed by some in particular because they weren't going the way I wanted them to.
Our pastor quoted from Colossians 3:1-3:
"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God."
Not by human effort.. not by human effort. In the past I was afraid of being too passive; that God wasn't providing because I wasn't creating opportunities for myself. It is now my daily prayer to ask God to reveal new opportunities as they come as well as opening my eyes to recognize them when they come.
The past week my accountability partner told me to bring my Bible to the chocolate restaurant so she could share this with me when I told her about my struggles with friendships:
Jeremiah 29: 11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Most people know this passage for verse 11 because it sounds as if God is about to hand us a life of luxury. The part where God tells us that He will listen to us when we come and pray, and when we seek Him earnestly with all our hearts, we would find Him really convicted me the past week.
He said, "is it 'cause of a guy? It's always a guy."
Our church retreat is this coming weekend (Fri to Sun). I decided not to go partially because I am going to Boston from Wed to Fri and that means I'd have a mother load of homework due the following week. But another reason that I haven't really shared with anyone there is that because of the struggles with relationships I've been having this past year, I don't want to be surrounded by more people 24/7. My natural inclination now is to try hard to build those friendships and yeah... as much as they call it a 'retreat', it's going to be socially and emotionally exhausting for me since I know I will start focusing on the people around me than with God. I'm trying to figure out what to do for Saturday. I do want to do a private retreat but I'm unsure of what to do right now. My accountability partner goes to leadership prayer meetings where they pray nonstop from 10pm to 3am. Sorry, I am not that spiritually 'strong' and my attention span is a little short. I'd rather figure out a method that works best for me in getting me focused and connected to God. Any ideas?
My devos have been good. I've been doing them consistently; going through Romans (so Calvinist XD) and am really encouraged by Paul's words. Prayer wise I am trying to keep a list of people I pray for daily; most include my closest friends, certain people who are ill or fighting a disease and someone in East Asia doing missions. I'm not really into the whole springboarding from one person to another at sporadic, random times like a side dish. Rather, I want to continually ask God to reveal His will in these particular people and watch them develop as Christians. And it's nice knowing that when people say they'll pray for you, they're ACTUALLY PRAYING for you. I tell those people I am praying for them because I want them to know that I'm spiritually there to support them. I want more friends that pray together rather than just talk to each other.
I don't know who is praying for me, but if you want to pray for me, pray that I put God in the center and not rely on human effort to build friendships; that I'd seek Him first before others. I want a hunger for Him not for anything else.
-----------------------------------------------
Small Group Wars today. Our cheer went well. Everyone was really wowed by our concept. I'll see if I can post it on youtube some day but my internet keeps dying on me as I'm trying to upload it.
Yesterday was fun. An archi friend and I went to the MOMA where I introduced to him the amazing cafeteria and its food (while eating pasta, I went to photograph the desserts for the book we're putting together). Went to the H&M flagship store later in hopes of finding him some more casual clothes but alas, nothing interesting waist up. We then bussed to K town where we spent a ton of time in a Korean bookstore and Morning Glory waiting for our other friends to come meet us for dinner. Finally: Betty, Joon, Yobi, Karen, David and I went to some Korean restaurant to eat: I got bimbimbap :P. After that we subbed down to Chinatown where we were misled to think we were walking the Brooklyn Bridge when in fact we were crossing the Williamsburg Bridge. Ah well. It was fun; David sharing his japanese and korean music with me and attempting to dance with shared earphones. We talked about what to do for Halloween: our eclectic bunch of friends could do well as Alice in Wonderland characters. It was 10pm when we arrived in Williamsburg- the hipster area of Brooklyn. I remembered there was a cafe I once went with a friend, we found it and behold! It was still open! So we got cake, soy shakes and tea there. ^^ And then we all hopped onto the train back to Manhattan; stopped by David's friggin amazing new NYU dorm to interview him and his roommate for my thesis and then walked back home with Joon. Overall, super chill and fun although I'm sick now. -_-
Now to plan musical, Epiphany and birthday party.
Note to self: DON'T GET STRESSED, TRUST IN GOD TO BRING US TOGETHER
Amen.
1 Comments:
you're getting sick because you're going out too much samm...maybe you should stop ;)
Post a Comment
<< Home