No Air
Back in NYC. Yesterday emotions ran high. Standing at worship, my fear of going back to a year of unknown events but knowing that God would provide like He has faithfully done for the past three years was comforting. So I was standing there with tears streaming down my face, lips trembling because I was afraid of being lonely but also moved by God's grace and compassion on me for the past while that it became feelings of gladness and thanksgiving. So I was really just a mess because I was both happy and sad. The plane ride back was stunning: clear skies allowed for optimal view of the mountains and lakes. I just played Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown's 'No Air' all the way to Manhattan.
On the flip side of my last entry, there are some really good people; people who I am glad to have met whatever the circumstance. They are the ones who have encouraged me and made me realize that being me was just fine.
I've discovered that there are generous people out there who don't mind giving to a cause that you are passionate about.
I'm glad I met my sewing teacher: a 70 something year old widow who has been really on fire with what I am doing. I came in the other day with only a two hour lesson to conjure something up... I was inspired by a paper plane one of the models folded and brought to the photoshoot so I asked her if we could make a scarf with origami silk planes: the body of the scarf itself was a grey chiffon I had lying around to represent the smoke coming out of the plane. Anyway, it turned out pretty cool: one small plane, one big plane. I call it my kamikaze scarf.
Beyond that, she is just really interested in my senior thesis; she only charges me $20 a lesson. She's like the grandmother I never really had: both my grandmothers are still alive but the language barrier has made it difficult to really communicate.
---------------------------------------------
Now I know why so many friendships die: often it is because one party does not accept the changes the other friend is going through. They stick with what they perceive their friend to be and if they dare as to break out of that mold, it becomes unacceptable.
---------------------------------------------
I'm struggling with loving myself for who I am. In my head the devil is battling it out with Cloud and Eldredge: that I can only be who I was created to be, that thinking that I am not 'good enough' will affect how I act. In my heart, I know I am unhappy because I don't feel attractive because I am not attracting other people.
Point blank: I honestly just feel this way because I see all my girl friends around me attracting a lot of interested guys. I, on the other hand, always feel like a fleck on the lens. Some obscurity that doesn't belong in the picture. I always feel like a 'too': too fashionable in the sense where I'm drawing blanks, too tall, too serious, too loud, too shy, too passive, too initiative, too controlling. A lot of the times when I see people not responding to me nor approaching me, I blame it on my height. I don't know why but I always feel that being taller makes me either look more intimidating or more like a whale. I tell myself that guys like girls who are smaller and cuter. Correction: there is large truth in that from observing many people and listening to a lot of people comment on my cousin.
I don't get it: being open has just left me wondering why being open is not working. I can't smile all the time nor do I want to be the one who intitiates the conversation 24/7. This is what I was scared about when I first started this social experimentation a year and a half ago: that even if I was more pro active about my relationships, people wouldn't respond and I wouldn't see any fruit. This has rendered me to an even more frustrated state and at times, even desperate. I've seen how I've acted this past year; I tried to look a particular way to appeal to a certain taste and tried to mirror the social interactions of my friends. It is not to say that all that I saw and regurgitated was wrong, but currently I am not really happy with myself.
"You have the greatest ways of connecting people together, Sam"
I have become the PR person.
I grew my hair out. Determined to grow it as long as possible because other people thought long hair was beautiful. I'm still growing it, I don't know why because I have no reason to anymore but I feel like it took so long to grow, I don't want to chop it off any time soon.
As I see my girlfriends being pursued and my guy friends pursuing other girls, I'm thinking, what the hell is wrong with me.
It's not like I'm sitting back idling my time away, it's not like I'm in the wrong places either.
I wrote last year that God could break my heart. I find it funny that it occured not once but twice this past year. It's not the sob story ones, rather it is one of those quiet, 'pack your bags and leave the house' ones that just take time to get over.
I'm finding it hard to find someone with the right chemistry: there's always something that misses the mark. It's not that I've been keeping a mental checklist and am just writing guys off automatically but things like distance, language and religion all play a huge role.
I was really attracted to the menswear designer in a different way than most guys I have met. While Facebook and MSN allow me to maintain friendships online, with him it was the total opposite. I had to solely rely on getting to know him in person because, well, I can't write Chinese.
Sure, I got to know him on a really superficial level since my cantonese levels are only elementary, but everything from his willingness to work hard, to his honesty (which often resulted in a lot of laughter) to his outgoing personality to his taste in fashion/style really appealed to me. Plus he's not bad looking.
Once he told my cousin and I that he really liked people with the mushroom hair cut. I don't know why, but when he said that, as a girl who has been growing out her hair for two years, I just felt really relieved because his unconventional tastes reminded me of my own. I know it sounds stupid but knowing someone who has a similar appreciation for a particular fashion aesthetic is really comforting. He told me once that it was unfortunate that I wouldn't be back this winter because he was going to start focusing on the cut of garments more than the colour and material. That made me deliriously happy.
Alas he's not Christian and he smokes. Oh and did I mention a language barrier? Although I must say it was pretty good work on our behalf since with my crap canto, we still ended up shopkeeper friends.
But really, this is now a huge motivation for me to learn Chinese. I need something to drive me to want to learn a language and if I can learn how to type mandarin, that would break down the walls online.
So as much as I'd like this to be another rendition of Colin Firth in 'Love Actually', I doubt this would actually work.
I'm really tired, tired of socializing. But I'm afraid to stop socializing all together for fear of people not approaching me then.
Timing is all wrong.
I feel so ugly more so for my inside than out. I think exterior wise I'm decent looking: I think there's something wrong with me inwardly.
I just reread what I wrote about timing. No, the timing is right because God is in control. I just don't see it, that's all.
On the flip side of my last entry, there are some really good people; people who I am glad to have met whatever the circumstance. They are the ones who have encouraged me and made me realize that being me was just fine.
I've discovered that there are generous people out there who don't mind giving to a cause that you are passionate about.
I'm glad I met my sewing teacher: a 70 something year old widow who has been really on fire with what I am doing. I came in the other day with only a two hour lesson to conjure something up... I was inspired by a paper plane one of the models folded and brought to the photoshoot so I asked her if we could make a scarf with origami silk planes: the body of the scarf itself was a grey chiffon I had lying around to represent the smoke coming out of the plane. Anyway, it turned out pretty cool: one small plane, one big plane. I call it my kamikaze scarf.
Beyond that, she is just really interested in my senior thesis; she only charges me $20 a lesson. She's like the grandmother I never really had: both my grandmothers are still alive but the language barrier has made it difficult to really communicate.
---------------------------------------------
Now I know why so many friendships die: often it is because one party does not accept the changes the other friend is going through. They stick with what they perceive their friend to be and if they dare as to break out of that mold, it becomes unacceptable.
---------------------------------------------
I'm struggling with loving myself for who I am. In my head the devil is battling it out with Cloud and Eldredge: that I can only be who I was created to be, that thinking that I am not 'good enough' will affect how I act. In my heart, I know I am unhappy because I don't feel attractive because I am not attracting other people.
Point blank: I honestly just feel this way because I see all my girl friends around me attracting a lot of interested guys. I, on the other hand, always feel like a fleck on the lens. Some obscurity that doesn't belong in the picture. I always feel like a 'too': too fashionable in the sense where I'm drawing blanks, too tall, too serious, too loud, too shy, too passive, too initiative, too controlling. A lot of the times when I see people not responding to me nor approaching me, I blame it on my height. I don't know why but I always feel that being taller makes me either look more intimidating or more like a whale. I tell myself that guys like girls who are smaller and cuter. Correction: there is large truth in that from observing many people and listening to a lot of people comment on my cousin.
I don't get it: being open has just left me wondering why being open is not working. I can't smile all the time nor do I want to be the one who intitiates the conversation 24/7. This is what I was scared about when I first started this social experimentation a year and a half ago: that even if I was more pro active about my relationships, people wouldn't respond and I wouldn't see any fruit. This has rendered me to an even more frustrated state and at times, even desperate. I've seen how I've acted this past year; I tried to look a particular way to appeal to a certain taste and tried to mirror the social interactions of my friends. It is not to say that all that I saw and regurgitated was wrong, but currently I am not really happy with myself.
"You have the greatest ways of connecting people together, Sam"
I have become the PR person.
I grew my hair out. Determined to grow it as long as possible because other people thought long hair was beautiful. I'm still growing it, I don't know why because I have no reason to anymore but I feel like it took so long to grow, I don't want to chop it off any time soon.
As I see my girlfriends being pursued and my guy friends pursuing other girls, I'm thinking, what the hell is wrong with me.
It's not like I'm sitting back idling my time away, it's not like I'm in the wrong places either.
I wrote last year that God could break my heart. I find it funny that it occured not once but twice this past year. It's not the sob story ones, rather it is one of those quiet, 'pack your bags and leave the house' ones that just take time to get over.
I'm finding it hard to find someone with the right chemistry: there's always something that misses the mark. It's not that I've been keeping a mental checklist and am just writing guys off automatically but things like distance, language and religion all play a huge role.
I was really attracted to the menswear designer in a different way than most guys I have met. While Facebook and MSN allow me to maintain friendships online, with him it was the total opposite. I had to solely rely on getting to know him in person because, well, I can't write Chinese.
Sure, I got to know him on a really superficial level since my cantonese levels are only elementary, but everything from his willingness to work hard, to his honesty (which often resulted in a lot of laughter) to his outgoing personality to his taste in fashion/style really appealed to me. Plus he's not bad looking.
Once he told my cousin and I that he really liked people with the mushroom hair cut. I don't know why, but when he said that, as a girl who has been growing out her hair for two years, I just felt really relieved because his unconventional tastes reminded me of my own. I know it sounds stupid but knowing someone who has a similar appreciation for a particular fashion aesthetic is really comforting. He told me once that it was unfortunate that I wouldn't be back this winter because he was going to start focusing on the cut of garments more than the colour and material. That made me deliriously happy.
Alas he's not Christian and he smokes. Oh and did I mention a language barrier? Although I must say it was pretty good work on our behalf since with my crap canto, we still ended up shopkeeper friends.
But really, this is now a huge motivation for me to learn Chinese. I need something to drive me to want to learn a language and if I can learn how to type mandarin, that would break down the walls online.
So as much as I'd like this to be another rendition of Colin Firth in 'Love Actually', I doubt this would actually work.
I'm really tired, tired of socializing. But I'm afraid to stop socializing all together for fear of people not approaching me then.
Timing is all wrong.
I feel so ugly more so for my inside than out. I think exterior wise I'm decent looking: I think there's something wrong with me inwardly.
I just reread what I wrote about timing. No, the timing is right because God is in control. I just don't see it, that's all.
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