Just the Way You Are

Bruno Mars Just the Way You Are

This is such a good song to drive to on the highway... I can picture myself on the 401 (or was it 404?) to Newmarket for a sewing class... the sun setting as the tarmac gets dim.
This is probably a song that all girls would want to hear cuz I do.

Life is so strange. Last night I said goodbye to my cousins- exactly a year ago we met up in SF for our other cousin's wedding and we roadtripped all the way to Vegas. This year we met up in HK and chilled in Macau (wannabe Vegas). I just said goodbye to Jeannie, I will say hello to Betty in a few hours (she's on the plane from Shanghai as I write).

I don't know if life is just small or too big to comprehend. I was thinking about another friend in HK cuz I took Jeannie to this dessert place that friend and I usually order delivery. And on the way back to the subway we bumped into her. Small world. I can see all of Hong Kong from where I'm sitting and it feels so... conquerable. It doesn't feel big at all from a distance- you don't get sucked into the cavities of buildings or the maze of roads.

I'm indulging in the fact that I can be so... transient. It's settled (sort of) that I'm now officially going to LA. They messed up writing my name down (figures everyone spells it 'Samatha' at work) so I have to scan my passport in for them to get it changed. America, Canada and China. When I hear friends trying to get jobs sans visa or citizenship I can't help but feel a sense of... satisfaction that my job market search isn't confined to one place. Now I ought to register for an HK passport so I can get a China visa.

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So one of my fears came true- not for myself but a prediction I made of a friend if she lacked Christian support. It's one of the reasons why I had a falling out with another 'friend'- because I stood up for this particular one...in other words I 'foresaw' the future of what would occur if she didn't have a strong network of friends.. and after I spoke to her on the phone last night I can't help but feel like...'wise' in being able to understand human relationships.

I can't help but still feel... used. I don't think the friends really know because they were the ones who were taking and to them, everything is back to normal. Yet I as the giver, I can gauge the difference in the way we interact. Although they all came back, i don't know if I want to be a part of their lives anymore. One even told me that... that God told her to reconcile our friendship but she said she already did.

Apparently I wasn't informed? I forgave her but I'm not ready to really deal with where we left it off.
I must be the dumbest friend ever.

I thought Super Junior was just made up of.... cut footage and lip synching until I saw this:

Dance Battle Practice
I'm obsessed with this vid now.. I want to dl.... I also love the music remixing.

The song I've been listening to on loop at work today: Super JuniorBoom Boom
It makes me twitch because I just want to bob and dance to it. lolol.

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My apologies if you think I'm being a fan girl. I actually ceased to watch all J-dramas and look at these kinds of things a year ago when I realized it wasn't a healthy interest to have. I mean these are all media constructs that focus on producing an ideal male that girls will dole out money for. But more importantly I stopped because I wanted to protect the heart- these are all false images peddled as grown up fairy tales that have little to do with the reality of relationships and of people. So I'm doing you guys all a favor by looking to you to show me what an honorable, respectable and driven man is- not some photoshopped, stylized guy whose moves have been choreographed and words edited to a tee.

Ironically since I've distanced myself from these things, I'm actually now supposed to get back into it due to my job. I honestly have some people's dream job. None of my friends are big k-pop fans but anyway I'll announce it here:

I'm going to LA on business trip in September to the SM Town Concert (k-pop). I'll be watching the entire concert but not doing much. I get to work once everyone leaves the stadium. There will be an after party held for sponsors, VIPs, executives and all SM artists where I can actually meet all the celebrities and talk to them. I'll be photographing them which includes BoA, Shinee, Girl's Generation and Super Junior.

It hasn't been confirmed yet (secretary is still sorting out tickets to LA), but yeah I find the whole situation laughable. Laughable because I'm not really into celebrities thus as I mentioned earlier I am having a HARD TIME remembering all the celeb faces when I choose not to. Super Junior has 13 members, Girls Generation is 9 and Shinee is like... 4? 5? I am so screwed. I've been studying Super Junior this past weekend and I fail at distinguishing the majority of them from each other. I plan to make flash cards to study hardcore for the next couple weeks. Anyway so yeah... now my first job after graduation is to blog and rub elbows with hot Korean guys. What a great thing to write on my resume!

I'm excited and amused. I'm amused that.. iono.... my reality is some girls' fantasy. I'm amused that my random talents get me places (yes of course with God's favour). I'm amused because I was wishing two months ago that I could go to LA to see my roommate and now I will get to. I'm amused because I am not the clubbing type and I'm going to an after party. I'm amused because I'm flying to LA on company backing to listen to a concert and photograph celebrities. I find it laughable because I think this whole year has been pretty darn bizarre.

Accountability partner from NYC is coming tomorrow night. Cousins who were in HK for two weeks are going tomorrow. One other NYC friend is here after missions while another one is coming soon. And another just popped up for a while. Weird. This world is smaller than I perceive it to be. And then a week after my friends leave, I'm going to LA.

Right from Wrong

Something that I've been pondering this past week,

What people don't understand does not mean that you are wrong.
I think it's one of those things that separates me from many Christians- because I don't feel like anything I do is right.

Perhaps I have to stop worrying about how the church and its perception on the fashion industry. I mean who cares what they think if this is what God wants for me?

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Watching: Super Junior Bonamana. 3:40- the dancing is so hot. lololol. It looks super tiring. Dang it, if I could dance at all, I wouldn't be such a sucker for dancers. I like the dude with the money tee and the aviator hat. lolol.

And this dance to Shinee's Lucifer song is friggin intense:
Lucifer
Original MV: here
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I think in my efforts to not be perceived as vain, I cease to speak about myself when face to face with people. I noticed this when conversing with people and it's starting to really bother me- that all that I actually want to say, I divert here because...I really don't know what to talk about myself.

I think one of the factors is that I do all the questioning and I hardly ever share about myself unless the person initiates. The reason why I do this is because most of the time I do not expect to see you ever again- I move so often that I feel like the people I meet along the way are kinda forgettable. At times I feel like I should move through life invisibly- to make as little of an impression and impact on others as possible because I'm always city-hopping. At the same time because I do all the questioning, I simply absorb info from other people. But with all the incoming information about other people, to 'defend' my own sense of identity which is not going out to the public, I purposely do not make an effort to remember people because I regard them as disposable portraits who will disappear with time.
The problem I face now is that.. I need to start memorizing people due to the nature of my industry which relies heavily on social media and networking. I'm finding it really hard now to memorize people's faces as I have a big assignment where I have to network coming up.

Frick.

Um....
umm....

UMMMMMMM.

Ok so the people who know/read/follow this blog.. lol... I have no idea but...

I have no time these days to blog because people are over and I'm out every night so by the time I get back, I need to sleep. Actually I should be sleeping right now because I have half day of work on Saturday. T-T

Anyway some big news just rolled in (rin knows). Yeah that's the point of this blog post. I probably blew it out of proportion but anyway...

Time to sleep. Tomorrow off to work to study.
Yeah, study.

On Forgiveness

I just finished watching Spiderman 3.
I remember the last time I watched it, we were movie hopping and ended up seeing this. At the time I thought this was the corniest, most hilarious cheese I had ever seen.

But now having watched it the second time, three years later, I understand it better.

The funny thing about forgiving someone is that it is one of the most selfish but healthiest steps one can take in life. While most of us think that forgiving someone means doing someone else a favor, it is in fact, a necessary step to our own well being.

Just a thought.

Have you ever had those dreams where you're outside of your body and you see yourself sleeping? I dreamed one night that I saw a contorted black cloud hovering above sleeping me and I woke up in my reality with a gasp and flung my legs at the direction of where the 'cloud' was in my head.

I had a dream last night that... I started selling my own collection of jewelry on the trunk of a beaten up car. I laid out every individual piece on its own assigned black velveteen bag and waited for a customer. A woman came over and chose three pieces and though she was rather condescending, I was delighted to see that someone with 'discerning taste' would actually pay for my designs.

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I've been listening to Fort Minor 'Where'd You Go?' on loop for two days straight.

I have no idea where or what I'm headed for. I think the greatest thing I struggle with is not convincing people in the industry to believe what I believe in, but to even find people within my own family and friends for support. Because I never believed that anyone close to me would believe any of the weird stuff I concoct in my head could potentially become something big, I would avoid those closest to me when it came to things I truly am passionate about.
Believe in yourself.
But you can only 'believe in yourself' for so far before you start wondering A) if you're the lunatic B) the validity of your work.
I think all this time I've been trying to do things secretly to try and make it into something worthwhile so that... other people could not question the value of what I do. Except it doesn't work well when the very thing you need to build up requires PR and a strong serving of humility. I want to find someone to be excited with me.

I don't know. I always feel so alone when it comes to my vocation.


I don't know where my friends are. I don't know who I am sharing my joy with. I don't know if they are even looking because when I make a sound, I only see silence.

I'm talking about comments. I feel like I'm talking to myself all the time. Hi look at what I did today? Isn't this so cool, Sam? Yeah it's cool, too bad you're the only one who thinks it is!

I guess.. I just feel like I lost someone who I thought really did believe in me even though my work is small and probably not very significant right now. And now... I feel that all that has happened in the past was only a temporal fix and thrill before finding another ship to set sail on into deeper, more exciting lands- ones that I myself cannot fulfill because of my relationship with God. I come out of a lot of friendships feeling used and empty partially due to my eagerness to please people and make them happy and partially due to their own selfishness and insensitivity to my needs.

I got into work last week to find an old friend emailed me out of the blue after not speaking for a while. Our friendship that went from sleepovers at her dorm dissipated into nothing 1.5 years ago. Long story short the reason why I blow up at people for flaking on me was because of this relationship- I always felt like the friend on call. From this I became extremely freaked out when people would call me last minute to drop our plans because I could never feel happy when we set plans to do anything. I approached each of our scheduled hang outs with caution and wary because I was so afraid that if I felt any anticipation, eagerness or excitement, the taste of disappointment would be more sharp and painful than if I just masked everything with doubt.

Anyway I had enough one day and decided not to make any moves or initiate anything unless she purposefully decided to meet up with me. We never did after the last time she flaked on me. I moved on but everything's a blur now. New friends came in and those began to grow that I forgot the past. The only thing that stuck was that fear and hurt and that's all I remember because it controls how I react to my current friendships now. At the same time I've recognized it and when people do flake on me, I do tell them immediately that it hurts and angers me and that would you please stop flaking on me last minute and get your act together because my life does not revolve around your plans only. On one hand, I want the person to be aware of their own responsibility and for me, to know that I am responsible for communicating to the flaking friend that I do not appreciate being tossed at the last minute. It sort of prevents resentment and unhappiness from growing in me.

In that email she asked for my forgiveness- that these past years she's realized my support and her regret that she let our friendship dissolve. Although I have nothing against her now, I wonder if... if all the friendships I hold dear now must go through this painful process of realization before anything can be salvaged.

Must I always step away from the friendship and wait in order to make the other person see? Must I, this time, do the exact same thing as I did two years ago? Because as of now, the person does not see and will never see unless I choose to do nothing.

And I do not feel loved and cherished by them.The sad thing is is that these are always the friends I am the closest with.

Interlude

It requires a conscious decision to keep going even though you have been failing and the unknown seems too great of a burden to carry.

Every time I feel hopeless, frustrated and angry at myself for not being capable. Every time I wonder if I should just give up and do something else, I realize that I must be close to the point of breakthrough.
Although I try to act as logical and sound as practical in my writing, I really do believe the cookie cutter movie plots. The ones where the heroes being as commoners with a wealth of potential, where someone then recognizes his/her power and helps the protagonist to fulfill his calling. And often times the hero does not fulfill the calling until he feels he's been pushed to his limits to the point of giving up.

Success is not derived from taking it easy. Often we forget the heroes of the stories paid a large price to get where they were while in our own lives, we just wish it would just happen like manna falling from the sky.

I was having a discussion with a friend this past weekend- she said that she knows people must read her writing because they want to see how miserable she gets, how vulnerable and weak she can become and how much her life sucks because it makes some of her readers feel better.

I'm gonna say now that I may rant about how miserable I am and how confused I am with my passions, my life goals and my relationships. But if there is one thing I know, is that God is my protector, shield, stronghold, fortress, constant, author, creator of my path and friend. I may sound emo all the time but I'm always conscious of the light at the end of the tunnel. Last night I had a good talk with God- not about anything in particular, just that I didn't like where I am right now and that... God is just awesome because He takes care of everything that I really shouldn't worry about it all.
Can you tell I just succeeded in something after much failure? I didn't share this in the other blog but... I was almost to the point of tears when I messed up.. again. I managed to make up for it with a little improvisation and I literally just tasted the fruits of hard work and success.

I just tell myself that the taste of regret is more bitter than that of failing.

Post will come tomorrow.

Inception made me feel car sick.
The whole time I was watching it, I was thinking "wow this is like Inner Healing ministry!"

The whole thing about the guilt, being chained down by people/memories/thoughts. Yeah. Inception shows us that.. everyone needs God. lolol.

Anyhow, it's cool how a few plays on visual perspective can vastly change our mental perception of the world. I really enjoyed the subtle shifts- the mirrors, the cube construction... very design-y and it makes me thank God for designers like us (yeah I just lumped myself in to the brilliance of that movie lol).
And might I add the good looking all-male cast? So frickin suave thanks to the costumes- beautifully tailored suits and textural layering. I loved love Ken Watanabe's Japanese-inspired shirt in the first scene with the pleating and subtle gold finish.

It was strange because the night before I had a dream that was so.. vivid that I actually remember it quite clearly. I was in a conference room sitting in a rectangular table with about five people. He was there and appeared twice. We didn't speak and acted like strangers. I avoided all eye contact because he had told me recently he was with someone. I suddenly switched scenes in the same day where an elementary school friend told me we had to help at a baseball stadium where we had to wear Dutch-outfits with long dresses and aprons. My parents came to pick me up after in a really ghetto station wagon and announced that they were retiring in some far away place that they were going to show me then. It got strange here, we were driving up an extremely steep bridge flanked by tori gates and led to a floating island 10,000 feet above the sea. The 'island' itself looked like something from Avatar- conical in shape with a large parking lot in the front with bushes and a low wooden fence surrounding the periphery. We circled the lot several times and I felt so dizzy from being so high up. We ended up entering into the building which resembled a Tang dynasty fortress and into this tea house with dark mahogany wood carvings.

The only emotional memory left when I woke was 1. feeling faint from standing so close to falling on the floating island 2. the feeling of disappointment and hurt because of him.
I'm not sure if that's God trying to help me recognize and take ownership on one of my issues.. but it was at that dream-encounter which I felt a real sense of hurt because it is a direct reflection of my true present.

I had a dream last week where I was riding a bull with a guy who I assume I am quite close with. We were looking into the horizon where the setting sun was glaring brilliantly from golden yellow to dazzling white. Upon the grassy plain, on the horizon, was a faint shadow of what I recognized to be another bull.. and for some reason I knew it was a sacred bull that we were trying to chase and capture. It was fast approaching us but for some reason I knew that I had actually dreamed this before and that in that dream, I came out victorious so I was pretty confident that that sacred bull was mine. It came charging at us and was luminous purple (don't ask), and as we were riding forward I grabbed the horns and swung on top of it and captured it.

That's right. That inheritance is mine (listen to SP sermon for reference). I wonder, I wonder if this was how it was meant to be all along. I wonder if what I had stopped three years ago was in fact what I was supposed to do but I never carried forth with it because I wasn't sure what my peers would think. What if this, this I am doing now, is my period of 'wandering in the desert' because I had not done what I was supposed to do then? In Numbers, only Caleb and Joshua wanted to take the land of Canaan as their inheritance yet it was their own people who tried to dissuade everyone else. It wasn't even an external force but internal destruction.

What I realized lately, is that I complain too much do too little. I see my peers who criticize, make sarcastic comments and laugh at other people's work yet they have little to show for themselves. It disgusts and annoys me yet I know, deep down, that it's because they including myself, are too afraid to do anything in the first place. When I start thinking about the future- the critics or the friends who may belittle me for what I like to do, I start thinking about what they've accomplished and feel a little satisfied that... hey their own resumes in Life aren't stellar either.
Taking your inheritance requires a pro-active heart. Often people mistake the fulfilling life as an easy one. God will not hand things over on a silver platter unless you decide to take initiative to seek for it and to work for it and He will grow it into something you cannot fathom.
It is such a struggle though. The things I thought I could do naturally, are requiring a lot of mental initiative on my own behalf. I work every day from 9-5:50, and the thought of having to come home, eat dinner and work more on my own projects, really.. doesnt make me want to do anything. I force myself to because I know if I don't, I will only blame myself for not taking the necessary steps to accept the inheritance. How do I know if this is what God wants me to do? Take it from the dudes in Inception, 'it requires you to take a step of faith."

I realized today while praying, that I only need to be able to see myself through God's eyes. That would be a cure and a cause for everything.