Have you ever had those dreams where you're outside of your body and you see yourself sleeping? I dreamed one night that I saw a contorted black cloud hovering above sleeping me and I woke up in my reality with a gasp and flung my legs at the direction of where the 'cloud' was in my head.
I had a dream last night that... I started selling my own collection of jewelry on the trunk of a beaten up car. I laid out every individual piece on its own assigned black velveteen bag and waited for a customer. A woman came over and chose three pieces and though she was rather condescending, I was delighted to see that someone with 'discerning taste' would actually pay for my designs.
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I've been listening to Fort Minor 'Where'd You Go?' on loop for two days straight.
I have no idea where or what I'm headed for. I think the greatest thing I struggle with is not convincing people in the industry to believe what I believe in, but to even find people within my own family and friends for support. Because I never believed that anyone close to me would believe any of the weird stuff I concoct in my head could potentially become something big, I would avoid those closest to me when it came to things I truly am passionate about.
Believe in yourself.
But you can only 'believe in yourself' for so far before you start wondering A) if you're the lunatic B) the validity of your work.
I think all this time I've been trying to do things secretly to try and make it into something worthwhile so that... other people could not question the value of what I do. Except it doesn't work well when the very thing you need to build up requires PR and a strong serving of humility. I want to find someone to be excited with me.
I don't know. I always feel so alone when it comes to my vocation.
I don't know where my friends are. I don't know who I am sharing my joy with. I don't know if they are even looking because when I make a sound, I only see silence.
I'm talking about comments. I feel like I'm talking to myself all the time. Hi look at what I did today? Isn't this so cool, Sam? Yeah it's cool, too bad you're the only one who thinks it is!
I guess.. I just feel like I lost someone who I thought really did believe in me even though my work is small and probably not very significant right now. And now... I feel that all that has happened in the past was only a temporal fix and thrill before finding another ship to set sail on into deeper, more exciting lands- ones that I myself cannot fulfill because of my relationship with God. I come out of a lot of friendships feeling used and empty partially due to my eagerness to please people and make them happy and partially due to their own selfishness and insensitivity to my needs.
I got into work last week to find an old friend emailed me out of the blue after not speaking for a while. Our friendship that went from sleepovers at her dorm dissipated into nothing 1.5 years ago. Long story short the reason why I blow up at people for flaking on me was because of this relationship- I always felt like the friend on call. From this I became extremely freaked out when people would call me last minute to drop our plans because I could never feel happy when we set plans to do anything. I approached each of our scheduled hang outs with caution and wary because I was so afraid that if I felt any anticipation, eagerness or excitement, the taste of disappointment would be more sharp and painful than if I just masked everything with doubt.
Anyway I had enough one day and decided not to make any moves or initiate anything unless she purposefully decided to meet up with me. We never did after the last time she flaked on me. I moved on but everything's a blur now. New friends came in and those began to grow that I forgot the past. The only thing that stuck was that fear and hurt and that's all I remember because it controls how I react to my current friendships now. At the same time I've recognized it and when people do flake on me, I do tell them immediately that it hurts and angers me and that would you please stop flaking on me last minute and get your act together because my life does not revolve around your plans only. On one hand, I want the person to be aware of their own responsibility and for me, to know that I am responsible for communicating to the flaking friend that I do not appreciate being tossed at the last minute. It sort of prevents resentment and unhappiness from growing in me.
In that email she asked for my forgiveness- that these past years she's realized my support and her regret that she let our friendship dissolve. Although I have nothing against her now, I wonder if... if all the friendships I hold dear now must go through this painful process of realization before anything can be salvaged.
Must I always step away from the friendship and wait in order to make the other person see? Must I, this time, do the exact same thing as I did two years ago? Because as of now, the person does not see and will never see unless I choose to do nothing.
And I do not feel loved and cherished by them.The sad thing is is that these are always the friends I am the closest with.
I had a dream last night that... I started selling my own collection of jewelry on the trunk of a beaten up car. I laid out every individual piece on its own assigned black velveteen bag and waited for a customer. A woman came over and chose three pieces and though she was rather condescending, I was delighted to see that someone with 'discerning taste' would actually pay for my designs.
----------------------------------------------
I've been listening to Fort Minor 'Where'd You Go?' on loop for two days straight.
I have no idea where or what I'm headed for. I think the greatest thing I struggle with is not convincing people in the industry to believe what I believe in, but to even find people within my own family and friends for support. Because I never believed that anyone close to me would believe any of the weird stuff I concoct in my head could potentially become something big, I would avoid those closest to me when it came to things I truly am passionate about.
Believe in yourself.
But you can only 'believe in yourself' for so far before you start wondering A) if you're the lunatic B) the validity of your work.
I think all this time I've been trying to do things secretly to try and make it into something worthwhile so that... other people could not question the value of what I do. Except it doesn't work well when the very thing you need to build up requires PR and a strong serving of humility. I want to find someone to be excited with me.
I don't know. I always feel so alone when it comes to my vocation.
I don't know where my friends are. I don't know who I am sharing my joy with. I don't know if they are even looking because when I make a sound, I only see silence.
I'm talking about comments. I feel like I'm talking to myself all the time. Hi look at what I did today? Isn't this so cool, Sam? Yeah it's cool, too bad you're the only one who thinks it is!
I guess.. I just feel like I lost someone who I thought really did believe in me even though my work is small and probably not very significant right now. And now... I feel that all that has happened in the past was only a temporal fix and thrill before finding another ship to set sail on into deeper, more exciting lands- ones that I myself cannot fulfill because of my relationship with God. I come out of a lot of friendships feeling used and empty partially due to my eagerness to please people and make them happy and partially due to their own selfishness and insensitivity to my needs.
I got into work last week to find an old friend emailed me out of the blue after not speaking for a while. Our friendship that went from sleepovers at her dorm dissipated into nothing 1.5 years ago. Long story short the reason why I blow up at people for flaking on me was because of this relationship- I always felt like the friend on call. From this I became extremely freaked out when people would call me last minute to drop our plans because I could never feel happy when we set plans to do anything. I approached each of our scheduled hang outs with caution and wary because I was so afraid that if I felt any anticipation, eagerness or excitement, the taste of disappointment would be more sharp and painful than if I just masked everything with doubt.
Anyway I had enough one day and decided not to make any moves or initiate anything unless she purposefully decided to meet up with me. We never did after the last time she flaked on me. I moved on but everything's a blur now. New friends came in and those began to grow that I forgot the past. The only thing that stuck was that fear and hurt and that's all I remember because it controls how I react to my current friendships now. At the same time I've recognized it and when people do flake on me, I do tell them immediately that it hurts and angers me and that would you please stop flaking on me last minute and get your act together because my life does not revolve around your plans only. On one hand, I want the person to be aware of their own responsibility and for me, to know that I am responsible for communicating to the flaking friend that I do not appreciate being tossed at the last minute. It sort of prevents resentment and unhappiness from growing in me.
In that email she asked for my forgiveness- that these past years she's realized my support and her regret that she let our friendship dissolve. Although I have nothing against her now, I wonder if... if all the friendships I hold dear now must go through this painful process of realization before anything can be salvaged.
Must I always step away from the friendship and wait in order to make the other person see? Must I, this time, do the exact same thing as I did two years ago? Because as of now, the person does not see and will never see unless I choose to do nothing.
And I do not feel loved and cherished by them.The sad thing is is that these are always the friends I am the closest with.
1 Comments:
Friendships are always hard...but for some of them, especially the ones that drift apart, sometimes they come back...naturally. Time apart, for whatever reason, can cause both of you to really understand and see that what was there was truly special =)
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