Hold me now, I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking... maybe six feet is so far down.

I was reading the main article in the New York Times magazine today and it was talking about one of the mega churches: 15,000 square foot church in Arizona. The pastor wanted the church to look like a mall and people would say 'Hey dude, where's the cinema'. The church has no religious iconography, no crosses, no Jesus pictures. No one utters the word 'Jesus' lest they intimidate newcomers. They serve Krispy Kreme donuts at every service (their budget for the donuts are $16,000/year), five plasma tvs in the foyer, five X Boxes for the kids and a rock band playing constantly. They attend groups that help you learn how to manage your financial goals, how to disciple your children, how to reach where you want to in life and even how to kick a porn addiction. The pastor's philosophy was to help newcomers feel comfortable in a Christian environment and gradually be able to integrate Christian moral and values into their lives.

That's all great but I'm noticing this trend... how to reach YOUR goals in life.. how to discipline YOUR kids... you you you you you you you.... Let's reach people with X boxes.... bribe them with donuts that cost the church $16,000. Have a drive-through latte stand (yes that church has that plus a Soul Cafe that serves Starbucks-like drinks)
Where do you draw the line between trying to use cultural things as an evangelical tool and when it's just too much? How much religious stuff should we incorporate in the church and how much music/games/food should we put in to draw people in?
When does the church market and tailor excessively towards the human desires of people in hopes of bringing them in? When is it too much?
I don't know. Back then, I would've thought this church is one of the most awesomest churches ever.. fusing American culture with religion. But it seems as if the culture has dominated over the purpose of drawing people in. I guess in the midst of reading that book, I've become more skeptical and taking a closer look at how people are evangelizing. Having no religious iconography so that newcomers don't feel uncomfortable? they don't even have a steeple or stain glass windows so it doesn't ressemble a church. But doesn't it all come down to this (not referring to the steeple and glass)... the cross? Is that not what separates our religion from the rest of them? What hope do we have in serving and worshiping a dead god... if Jesus claimed to be the Messiah, would he not have fulfilled all the prophecies made in Isaiah, Psalms etc that said he would raise from the dead? Haha.. as our speaker said today, Voltaire had said "if you want a religion that surpasses Christianity, make the leader die and raise himself back to life" ... okay I know I paraphrased it. I can't remember the quote exactly. :P I was falling asleep... I've realized that many preachers cannot preach for beans. Omg.. for the past few weeks, the sermons have been quite bad.. sorry.. but they have been pretty darn bad. They have no point. no thesis. they speak about things we already know. they just ramble on and on about who knows what. our cd team is so critical. :P but I really have not heard a good sermon in ages.
Sooner or later this blog will get me in trouble since I speak my mind and am pretty blunt.

Wow I'm listening to Creed! :) Here's to more reminiscing... I love listening to old songs.. they have this familiarity and aura about them that new songs don't.. it's just like a breath of fresh air. Songs have memories attached to them... you know when you listen to a song over and over again, in the future, you'd associate that song with a specific moment. Like this LOTR song reminds me of the Europe trip and painting my entire room... another LOTR song reminds me of painting my personal painting.. lol.. as you can see a lot of art memories. Well Creed reminds me of gr 8.. 'Drowning' by Bsb reminds me of HK because I was raving about it to my best friend about it in a letter I never sent her. 'Tragedy' by S Club 7 reminds me of Sports day back in HK when my friend and I were giggling over some guys at a track and field stadium.. sigh... those were the days... oh the friend problems I used to have. lol. crazy. My mom always told me that friends were so important to me even when I was five... And they'll always be one of my top priorities.

Prom is starting to bug me... I don't like this feeling of wondering if the dress looks nice on me or not.. do I look wider in this? I actually do. And that worries me. I look fatter than I really am. And what hairstyle to match with it? makeup? limo? which group of friends to go with? what to do after? ugh.... I think the dress worries me the most.. I'm starting to get worried over this again. is it too much? too much the typical 'american prom' look? lol.. yes, I have my own superficial girly problems. :P Let me live for the moment. I'm only 17 once. Prom is only once.

you know where I'd love to go... into a wide open field with the mountains in the distance... blue blue sky with the sun shining... the tan coloured heather and grass blowing- rippling across the plain, glistening in the sun like a stallion's mane.. And I just want to run... run and feel my hair streaming behind me and be able to close my eyes without running into a tree or anything (wow can you imagine how stupid I'd look?) and feel the rush of wind brush past my face and lift my arms behind me to catch the air... and lift my face towards the heavens and close my eyes and feel the sun's warm embrace... feel every muscle in my body straining to push foward with every step. Just for a moment feel free, happy without the burdens of life pushing me down. That insurpassable feeling of joy and utter contentment.

When you are with me, I'm free, I'm careless, I believe.

Last night the full moon shone into my window... filtering through my sheer billowy curtains and casting a luminous white light into my room. It was so beautiful. Let me tell you, I'm so captured by the beauty of nature.. things that are so fleeting.. things that you want to grasp but you can't... photographs don't do it justice. It's not the same. you just can't take ahold of that kind of beauty. People just glance at a sunset.. I can't... I just stare and try to grasp onto something.. try to imprint this image into my memory in vain. So when people resume their activities, I can't help but just stop and take in the gloriousness.... so when the moon is out... I really can't sleep.. I just marvel the beauty of the white light pouring through, casting shadows and silhouettes upon my glass window.... I sometimes get up to look at the moon and crawl back in bed, get back up and go back to bed, get back up for the last last, absolute last time... till my contacts start getting glassy and I return back to bed and stare at the light... I think it's an artistic thing.. you can't grasp things like this easily.. they come once in a while, and they're all so different.. the sky is never the same colour.... the water does not reflect the same golds and bronze in the trees every fall....
Oh yes.. something else just dawned on me yesterday... the beautiful sound of nothing.. it's a low rumbling, like when you board a plane.. that soft, consistent rumbling noise.. it's quite comforting to listen to.. it lulls me to sleeep. :P Oh the things you can learn when you're about to sleep!

Human relationships are so incredibly complex. it's so difficult to describe them. They're constantly changing for the better or the worse. When we were young, you were either my friend or you weren't.
There are those friendships in which you instantly connect on a very superficial level and as you try to get somewhere, they die. Out of frustration perhaps. Out of hopelessness. When you stop to care but at the same time you want something to work but you feel it's beyond your reach so nothing happens. And it dies.
Has there ever been a relationship so deep that you know it'd never break nor nothing would become between the two...
Has there ever been a relationship in which you feel fulfilled. Completed.

Conversation without connection.

I was watching Much Music today. Candy Shop is the crudest song ever. When I first heard the name of it I was like 'yummy! Candy shop.. must mention something about chocolate and sugar!' Guess not.. It makes me wonder in about 40 years, if 50 Cent ever looked back on that song, would he be proud of what he had accomplished? What would his children say?
We say that women have equal rights and are just as good as men in society, but when we watch music videos with skankily clad women writhing and 'dancing' with the rapper, are we not treating women as mere commodities? Is this not how we view women? We just think about their rights and what they are entitled to but we don't change our own perspectives of who they are. So we want them to have civil rights and liberties and treated as if they were more than just a 'wife', just a 'mother' and just a 'housewife' but we also tell them to dress skankily and grind with guys in the club?

I wonder what an HK club is like.

Look. The temperature went up to one degree today (and it was four yesterday!) and I see girls in skirts already... Brrrr...... I guess they can't wait to show off those legs. :P

And what's with over-suntanned white girls? They look so bland with their blond and brunette hair and orangey brown skin. It just washes them out. :P I guess they don't take skin cancer warnings seriously.

I was reading a few articles in a couple of magazines. Remember when facials were in the high end scale of beauty maintenance? Now they're a standard normal thing to do. But what I read was just... bordering on narcissism. The writer was saying how we all concentrate on the well-being for our body but we tend to forget the scalp. And the entire article was on scalp facials.
I read an even more extreme article in which this woman pursued beauty and eternal youth by drinking pearls in vinegar, buying $350 anti-wrinkle creams, eating 15k gold, mixing viles of different ingredients and rubbing them into the skin.... There's a borderline between trying to keep yourself healthy and just overdoing it. It's just dizzying to see women throwing money bills into the fountain of youth. It makes me start wondering when I'll get wrinkles.
I read an article yesterday that these people are working on making these sunglasses and contact lenses that create an image of something that you want (ex sunbathing in Hawaii) in the lens.. kind of like a tv.. this surreal dream. Iono how you choose what image you want to portray in the glasses but it seems so... disconnected... people not really concentrating on reality and escaping with these dinky images of sunsets and palm trees and luxury hotels. How much more do people want? Why would anyone want these glasses? It's just wrong. People may think it's harmless fun but we have seen what video games have done to boys.. and escaping into these dream worlds can do nothing for you. Like a drug.

As you can see I updated my layout! :) It's a lot happier now.. just to kickstart the spring season! Nice and pink. :P Thanks to Kitty for finding the layout. Kudos to you. ;) My faithful blog fan! HAHA. Sorry that I didn't get you the cd. You can borrow mine in half a year. HAHA. wait. I might be in New York! Ah I'll just buy you one for your birthday.. we have to go shopping together some time! :D Just like almost a year ago remember? Wow.. that was almost a year ago. That was so much fun. I miss it... miss making you buy $70 AE skirts. hehe.

To Whom it May Concern,
You are my encourager when I'm always doubting (whether it be my random things to more serious concerns)
You are my shoulder to cry on (oh the cliches *shudder*)
You are my listener when I just want to rant about stupid art projects and unreasonable things
You are my support when I feel down or just out of it
You are my angel because you're always there for me
You are that silver lining in the cloud because when everything else looks bleak and empty, I just think of you and life seems better

And lastly, you are my friend because I just love you.
Cheers

Ugh I had just written this 1000-2000 entry and it got deleted. So here we go again....

Yesterday after I left the computer, I felt quite confused and alone and scared. I switched my cd player on to this song called 'Right Here'. It's funny how God speaks to us because this song just reached out to me. I cried. I love how God speaks to us in our brokeness because it is then we realize we have no knowledge and speak no wisdom:

...I gotta tell you you can make it just through all of this cuz everywhere you go he's there for you it's obvious,
don't be scared no more this is why I'm saying this
Everywhere you go I know you're not far away
You're right here
Right here
...Made me realize that you was all I need in life from the deepest ocean all the way up to the skies
there's no place that I could go and no place to hide
that your hands wouldn't show the way and be my guide
your near far away you will always be my peace in life...
So right now just with anything you face in life understand you can always find strength in Christ
God has a plan just for every single part of your lives
that might be hard to understand in your troubled times but anywhere you go he's there with arms open wide
He cares for you don't you know there's no need to cry
I know this road is hard cmon its gonna be alright he loves u so much its time that you realized that...

Ironically I was humming this tune before but it never fully registered within me until then.

The book I'm reading 'Hard to Believe' by John MacArthur is just totally amazing. It speaks so much truth about Christianity in our society today. Stuff that I never realized till now. I once wished that celebrities would become Christian and they would have this amazing testimony and so many people would join too! I used to wish Eminem would become Christian.. a Christian rapper! But I guess Ma$e is now.. lol. anyway, this is what he said in response to that,

I've heard this proposal often through the years. If only some famous person could get saved, just think about the power his testimony would have! Or if this famous athlete or personality in the media, the arts or politics could only be a Christian, just imagine the impact of his testimony. But it doesn't work that way. No matter how powerful and influential some preachers of the gospel become within the culture, posturing from positions of prestige can't compensate for the distastefulness of the message or overcome the stubborness of the sinner's will. Besides, what recording artist or movie star is going to be willing to stand up at the Grammys or the Oscars and share the gospel? The audience would boo him off the stage. He can thank Jesus for winning. but pandemonium would ensue if he proclaimed the truths of hell, sin, repentance, and salvation only in Jesus Christ.
you can't be faithful and popular, so take your pick.
What Paul was saying in 1 Corinthians was that the gospel collides with our emotions; it collides with our minds; it collides with our relationships. It smashes into our sensibilities; our rational thinking and our tolerances. It's hard to believe.

When I first read his book I was thinking "wow he's bordering on Christian fundamentalism. This guy is crazy saying people will go to hell if they don't believe in God and no other religion takes you to heaven and we're all condemned into eternal punishment." But then it occured to me that what he said was completely true. It's disgusting. It's intolerant. It's exclusive.
Rational people cannot begin to perceive why God chooses the losers. They cannot see how the death of Jesus could possibly 'wash' away our sins. With all their knowledge and understanding, they cannot believe Christianity is real because it is built on these fundamentals. You can give away music, throw teens conferences and rock concerts, take them to church, hand out christian magazines but in the end, it all comes down to the truth. you can try to hide it within the barrage of magazines, jewelry, bookmarks and cds but it is all meaningless in the end. In the end, the soil must be receptive to the seed. The seed is the Word of God and the soil, the person. If the person is not willing to be open, the bible can do nothing for them let alone cds, books and magazines. Those things can only help to a certain extent but it cannot disguise the shameful message.
Which is why it's so interesting to see how God chooses the losers of society. Take the twelve disciples for example. Half of them were fishermen, the other half labourers. None of them were rabbis, teachers, nor scholars. Simon the Zealot was a terrorist who hid daggers in their cloaks and stabbed Roman soldiers. And then there was Judas. It's like Jesus passed by Hippocrates, Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Euclid and Vigil.

'The message of the cross is not about felt needs. It is not about Jesus loving you so much He wants to make you happy. It is about rescuing you from damnation, because that is the sentence that rests upon the head of every human being. And so the gospel is an offense every way you look at it. There's nothing about the cross that fits comfortably with how man views himself.'

Yeah so I think that's enough of that.

Today in CD team we were asked to fill in this survey... there was a list of problems a teen has and we had to tick all the problems that applied to us. For example there was procrastination, worry, vanity, drugs, anger etc. We then had to choose our top five. I chose procrastination, consistency with devos, anger, pride and coveting things.
A girl said she didn't get allowance but she was happy because she didn't want anything. When her parents offered her allowance she said she didn't need it and that they could keep it.
I cant' do that. There is always something I want. I wish I could do that, be content with what I have. That's quite ironic actually. I want to not want things. lol.
I wish I didn't always want expensive things. I'm never content with what I have. The only time where I'm relatively content is right after Christmas when the stores are preparing to put out their spring wares out but still have the remainder of the winter/Christmas sales left on their half empty shelves. I hate how I only like things from Queens Street and Yorkdale mall with skirts that start at $200. I hate how I prefer chiffon and beaded silk over cotton, polyester and spandex blend. I hate how if you propped me in a mall that solely consisted of AE, Garage, Stitches and Suzy Shier, I wouldn't find anything I'd really like. But if you stuck me in a mall with Holt Renfrew, Mendocino, Coach and Marciano, there's bound to be something I'd want to buy. I wish I could be content with what I have but I'm never. There was this article that once said buy more expensive pieces that you'd wear again and again over short term items that you'd wear a season or two and then put away for good. Except I get tired of things easily and this would never work. In theory it does, but realistically, I don't think that happens too often. Why can't I just be satisfied with my 13 scarves, my approx 8 purses and already bulging closet. But it's always like this "If I can buy that skirt, it would complete my wardrobe".
I think I need to take a break from magazines. I want too many things and I'm hating myself for being so incredibly selfish and excessive.

I dug out my old spiritual journal today and I read this post I had written during the last few days of summer and here it goes,
Sept 3 2001
'God.. rite now.. I really need you. I'm scared and lonely. I'm scared of going to high school tomorrow. Everyone seems to already have friends they know.. I have no one. god, please help me... you know I'm painfully shy and it's really hard for me to go up to a group of girls and talk. Please givve me strength and courage. If it's okay.. can some nice girl come up to me? Or do you want me to be more *outgoing*? All I ask is for friends, help me not to fall into temptation, stay put on my ground/faith. That's all for now God.. I put my whole life into Your Hands. Thanks Dad, You're awesome. Love Samantha Wong'

It's interesting how all my needs were met. I remember the night before school, I cried because I was so terrified. I remember the first day of school, I stood at my locker and there was this other girl standing with her viola. We didn't speak at first but finally she introduced herself and she just so happened to be in the same Arts York class (the first period) as I was.
So I guess I will be able to pull through if I did go to New York. God has always been faithful and has always provided the things that I've needed. I'm just scared. Here I am, living with my parents who take care of me and going to a school were I now know many people. Moving to a different country, knowing no one and having to take care of myself is quite terrifying for me. I think the easy way out would be to go to Ryerson (if they accept me.. if they rejected me, it would make my life a whole lot easier cuz I'd be herded into one direction) where I'd know Doro, know the city and be close to my family and friends.
When people freak out about university and how they'd pay for it... I'm quite indifferent towards them because $20, 000 Can is nothing to me. When they talk about how they don't know which university to go to Uni A or Uni B... I'm thinking "I haven't even seen my university, I don't even know anything about them"
I feel quite torn. If I ever decide to go to Ryerson, I'll always be burdened with that question "what if I went to New York" because everyone knows that NY is the place for people like me. If I went to Ryerson, I'd be closing that door and perhaps I'll never know what would have happened if I took the harder road. The less traveled road. No one in Toronto leaves Canada. The best architecture program is not in Waterloo or Ryerson but in Cornell. The best engineering program is not in Waterloo, it's in MIT. But that's okay with me, wherever people go because that's what they want. Their own decision. I'm just too afraid to wander off on my own, alone.

I've started this book my mom bought for me recently and it takes an extremely hard look on the modern world of christianity. Pastors preach 'feel good' messages- watered down versions of what the bible says. He wrote about how churches try to 'cater' towards our human wants... you want a band? We'll give you live music complete with drums, electric guitars and keyboard. He said what it all comes down to now in the church is to lift our self-esteem.
But he says in order to follow Christ we need to hate ourselves. Self-denial. Only when we hate ourselves and set ourselves apart even from our families and friends can we be followers of Christ. He used the example of the parable Jesus once told.. about the man who had to 'go first and bury his father' before he could follow. But he indicated that he had to 'go' and presumably wait for his father to die before he could go so basically he put his family first.

I think we have watered down the whole message. In order to appear more 'tolerant' we say that anyone can become a christian because all you have to do is pray a little prayer and accept Jesus into your heart and admit you are a sinner and poof! welcome to the club.
But it's not like that. The way to heaven is a narrow gate where many people are misled into thinking they are one of the few who would get in. And in seeing this, Christians don't want to appear exclusive, when in fact, it is exclusive.
So now I'm quite confused... where do you draw the line between trying to reach out to people through coffeehouses, music, christian magazines... vs just a big, fat marketing company trying to reap in as much money they can get from the religion industry. I'm so confused... What defines 'self-hate'? To refuse to have nothing to do with one's self. But I think we have all become too comfortable in hearing all this lal-la sermons where they tell you stuff to make yourself feel better... instead of looking at ourselves crititically... iono what I'm saying anymore.

I have more random things to say but I'm kinda tired and as you can see.. I'm not really thinking straight. Not like I ever do anyway.

Stupid idiotic teenage boys. They don't think before they act. They don't think about the consequences of racing. We drove by Leslie and Sixteen yesterday and found it was blocked by police cars and firetrucks. Turns out that these two guys were racing and one cut into this lady's car but crashed. He died. Her hipbone is fractured and the leg is out its socket. She goes to RHCCC. Idiotic boys.

You know those livestrong bracelets that everyone is raving about and you see everyone sporting one (wow there are even purple lookalike ones!). I was wondering why they were so popular and what they were for so I looked it up and found out $1 goes to charity to help those victims who are fighting cancer.
I mean it's good and all but I cant' help thinking about how many people are just buying them because 'everyone has one'. Why does there always need to be an incentive for people to help one another? Tax cuts for donations over $25, free 30 Hour Famine t shirts and cell phones with every $100 you raise, Krispy Kreme donuts for the class who has the largest turn out of non perishable foods for the Food Drive, almond chocolate bars for boy scouts, free pins, caps.. as if this is a sporting parade to see who the best Samaritan is. See who can appear to be the most generous with their money when ironically, their donations are made to their self esteems, with every cheque, a brownie point goes into the ego. 'Every man has his price'-A Man For All Seasons
In this play we read for English, we saw how this religious man had stood his ground, how he refused to help the King because his moral beliefs did not agree. His family and friends who initially were on his side slowly were either bribed into going against this man or to try to persuade him to relent. One of his friends was bought by the temptations of power and beautiful gowns. The other succumbed to peer pressure and fear. Another by large sums of money.
You may think "Oh at least I am helping the people even though it is out of self interest", yes I agree. I think if charities solely asked for money without any tax credit incentive or free mugs, they'd be out of business by now. We live in a corrupt society where the 'me' goes before the well-being of the community. We want that recognition for our good deeds. We donate money in order to prove to others that we do think of famine victims- to balance out the number of things we buy for ourselves. Then we can pat ourselves on the back and lest anyone accuses us as being 'selfish' we could proclaim that in spending $100 on shoes, we donated $25 to charity. We have lost our moral value. We can be bought into buying cheap plastic bands to help others. If our heart was truly set on helping others, we wouldn't need these yellow things to proclaim the generosity of our money. This is the race for self righteousness. Let the man with the most money win.

I sat in First Markham food court today sipping on mango juice and watched these two little girls who were sitting in front, their backs towards me. They seemed to be indulging in their food; large plates of steamed rice, vegetables and slices of meat. The first girl was in a pink sweater and slung upon her chair was a dull yellow Hello Kitty jacket with pink lining. Her little sister was clad in a royal purple vest and her hair was put into pigtails.
After watching them for a while, I couldn't help thinking back to how I used to be as a kid. I never really cared about what I wore as long as it was comfortable, I didn’t care if I washed my face or not and showers seemed stupid and wasteful. My knees were always dotted with scabs because I always played tag and being klutzy, I always fell and bloodied my legs and arms. Large eyeglasses would frame my face… my childhood philosophy in picking glasses was to choose the one with the prettiest colours.
I never cared about what I ate. Kinder eggs were my daily diet and I used to try to eat as many chocolate chip cookies at snack time before my mom found out. My goal at dinner was to eat as many chicken wings as possible and beat my previous record. Weight was not an issue and I never cared that I had a pimple here and there, large feet and birthmarks on both legs. ‘Seventeen’ magazine, as I saw it before, was a magazine for the much older and sophisticated teenagers and I was not worthy of reading such things. Purses were for mothers and designer labels for the rich.
But I guess now that’s all changed. Thinking about it now, weight has become less of an issue than it was before but still there is that nagging voice that tells you things that aren’t true. I don’t really watch what I eat and I have the largest sweet tooth (hence my baking).
Now I think Seventeen is really ugly. The photography and especially the layout designs are hideous. I don’t think any seventeen year old reads that magazine (or do they?). I’ve taken an interest in those expensive design magazines at Indigo that have textured covers and printed on translucent paper with thick paper pages and beautiful photography.
Through the years I’ve become more self-conscious and my self-esteem based upon the well-being of my skin: that shaky foundation on which lies the fine line of beauty.
It seems so easy to be a kid… you were cool if you had good snacks and it was like a mini trade market at lunchtime. Fruit roll ups were cool and so were packets of chips… J oh the good childhood memories.

I just dug up my old back up file cd with a ton of songs on it... they are so incredibly old.. from Savage Garden to like Britney Spears (Not yet a woman.. blah blah) and a torrent of memories just came running back.. How these songs have shaped my ideologies and views in life to just simple events that have taken place.

Am I not pretty enough? Is my heart too broken? Do I cry too much? Am I too soft spoken? Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder? Why do you see right through me?
I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me. I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break.
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough. I try as hard as I can.
Not Pretty Enough, Kasey Chambers

I remember the first time hearing this on the radio and it's a really... small song that no one really knows it. I felt that this song perfectly described me: my insecurities and uncertainties of how people felt or thought about me. I think especially my self-esteem. I remember in grade 9 and 10 whenever my school bus came across another bus, I'd hide my face because I was so ashamed. I remember in bethel, we had to write something to God and I compared myself with this girl from my school with dirt and cherry blossoms and my mom found it. And she asked me if I wrote it a long time ago, and I lied and said yes when in fact I wrote it just that night.
But I think my self-esteem has strengthened over time... I think with the help of a friend who's always been telling me how beautiful I am. And I guess over time, you see those people who you thought at first glance was extremely pretty, but as you get to know them more, their physical beauty fades because of their arrogance and ignorance.
But I guess besides my physical attributes, I've always wondered if I laughed too much or in a conversation, should I have made a comment or said something... or whether or not I was too soft spoken or just too loud. I'm always so uncertain, so afraid of what other people think. I think especially with guys because I have no idea how their brains work and how they react to incidents.

I'm already there. Take a look around. I'm the sunshine in your hair. I'm the shadow on the ground. I'm the whisper in the wind. I'm your imaginary friend. And I know I'm in your prayers. I'm already there.
-Already There, Lonestar
I don't think this has any relevance in my life but I was quite touched by the song. It was really sweet since it was a father speaking to his little boy on the phone and it's comforting to hear.


Never knew I could feel like this, like I’ve never seen the sky before. Want to vanish inside your kiss. Everyday I love you more and more. Listen to my heart, can you hear it sing? Telling me to give you everything. Seasons may change, winter to spring. But I love you, until the end of time. Come what may. Come what may. I will love you until my dying day.
-Come What May, Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor

Hehe. This song... I remember falling in love with this song because of the lovely harmonization and just the sheer beauty of the lyrics and melody. And then of course there was the summer retreat where Karen, Andrew and I stayed up till 3-4am to rehearse just the first stanza and the chorus part for the musical we did. Our musical was awesome! haha... And that was the first time I ever sang in front of people by myself... yech.


I have other songs.. such as Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata... that is one of my favourite pieces because I can imagine soft diffused moonlight cast upon into a large open window and onto the frosted wooden floor. The sheer curtains billowing softly in the evening breeze... All is quiet. All is still save the lake outside, water quivers and bobs sleepily under the inky sky. I love that imagery... The beauty of non-vocal pieces is that you can interpret what the melody is saying and you can imagine different things that you take out from the piece.

Somewhere there's a river looking for a stream. Somewhere there's a dreamer looking for a dream. Somewhere there's a drifter trying to find his way. Somewhere someone's waiting to hear somebody say I believe in you. I can't even count the ways that I believe in you. And all I want to do is help you to believe in you.
-Believe in you, Amanda Marshall
Dang I can't find this song and I want it back! But I really like this song because it encourages me and reassures me that I'm not alone.


I'm so tired.. bleh... I can't believe it's only 1:30 and I feel so sleepy. This March Break I hope to get a bunch of stuff done as well as hang out with my friends.. woow... I remember last March Break was incredibly boring because there was nothing to do... ergh.. I wish it was like that now!
To do list (academics):
-Finish portfolio
-Finish Design Test (both for Ryerson. Done by Sunday/Monday and Purolated)
-Do Political Ideology essay (Monday....)
-Start and do half of World Issues Environmental Case Study essay (Wednesday)
-THINK about the two isps (all week)
-Get next illustration transferred onto board (puahaha.. this is never gonna happen)
-Study for the Europe map test which is on the following Thursday (All week when I have time and just want to put off other work)

To do list (social):
Philly game and Eatons with Raps crew(sunday)
Yorkdale Mall with AY crew (tuesday)
Fashion show with AY crew again (wednesday)
Crepes and Queen's street shopping (thursday)
Watch 'Les Choristes' avec ma mere (one of the days)
Do something with tania hopefully depending on academic situation on friday

Yup.. so busy schedule.. just like everyone else I suppose. :P Goodnight.

I've always thought of myself as an ecclectic person. Soph once remarked that my room was messy in an 'artistic' way (as if every item strewn on the floor was designed to be placed a certain way). I'd like to think that though it's just messy because I don't know what to do with all the stuff.. But sure, we can go with Soph's theory. They also mentioned that it was very ecclectic... bits and pieces of my past stuck together... the influences from reading historical fiction, art, fashion, photography, nature, Hong Kong, vacations to Japan, Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, China and Bali, Lord of the Rings, interior design spaces.... I've taken things that I've liked and fused it together to become my own.
Similarly, my taste in music is of that kind too. Currently my MP3 player consists of LOTR, Phantom of the Opera, Sum 41, Linkin Park, Hillsong, Love Actually soundtrack, KJ52, Ciara, Destiny's Child, Ma$e, Skillet, Bonnie McKee and Kelly Clarkson. I've never really been a faithful fan to any particular band or musician. I take what I like.
This could also be said about my life.. I guess that's why I can never fit in. I guess that's why I have three groups of friends. But then again I think every single person doesn't feel like they 'fit in with their peers. We always feel so isolated in a group. I wonder why that is. There has not been one person who has not confided in me that she does not feel a part of the group. We always feel slightly.. displaced.
But I like the ecclectic life. That's what makes life interesting. Instead of following one homogenous culture, you absorb all of them and create something that is entirely unique to you. It's kinda like.... like those rich chinese ladies who wear Burberry or Chanel head to toe.. they buy the stuff cuz it gives them this higher status. When I lived in Hong Kong, I remember walking on Women's Street and sifting through piles of crumpled clothes that are varied in brands (more like crap Made-in-China brands) and trying to find that piece I could call my own.. for like.. $6. And it was fun.
There are some people who only watch chick flicks (no it's not a bad thing) but I like to watch anything as long as it's good and not stupid humour SUCH AS Anchorman. And not just LOTR, but Gladiator, Love Actually, Life is Beautiful (aw I wanna see that one again), Merchant of Venice.. those ones... and not like Shaolin Soccer. Ew.

Sorry Andrew, I had nothing profound to say today. Er. I'll email you tomorrow. Go Online or I'll be forced to take drastic action.

This transitory moment
I am feeling so incredibly frustrated with my life right now. When things go well, they somehow seem to stop. I was so hyped up for March Break... going to my first fashion show the Visuals, going to the game, going prom dress shopping twice, going out to watch a movie with my mom and going to the crepe cafe and I finding out I got accepted into one of the top art universities in the States (at least I think it is?) was the cherry on the top.

And then I found out how much I would have to pay the price to be known as a 'Pratt student'

$38000 US

Parsons is probably even more expensive. Where am I supposed to get this money from? I hate it. The American universities want to draw the best students to their campuses but they make them pay skyrocketing high tuition fees. So all the talented people are stuck at the less-famous schools. What's wrong with this picture? All I really want is the name so I can get a good job.
And now I feel so completely frustrated with friendships. They go nowhere. They swim in circles round and round the shallow area of the pond like fluffy ducklings who have just hatched from their delicate eggshells. You try but they don't work so you move on. And then it goes on and on and on.
Same goes with church. I know I did this to myself, I completely isolated myself from them and I'm paying the price of it. I know that completely. I don't feel like I belong. Not like I ever have and ever will. 'Then go to Bethel'. Don't give me that because Bethel does not solve all friendship problems. But nevertheless I feel angry. I have so much anger in me because I know I am the the cause of this and yet I can't see another way out. I sat alone at the missions talk thing. But I've learned to numb myself.

And for all this, I know I am the root of my own problems... that is why people turn away from me because I am the one who did not care in the first place when there was that chance. And that is what makes me increasingly frustrated because the blame is upon myself. I was just thinking back today and I realized I should've done my personal essay on that blog entry I did on passion. Which annoys me now because I could have done so much better in English if I wrote it on that instead.

So perhaps it is time to take flight again. To leave this place and to start anew in a new city with different people. But I'm afraid. I've realized how broken we've become this year. That in gr 10-11 we were all so oblivious to everything, so nice to everyone. Who tries now? You start to wonder who your friends are. Okay, I'm done for today.