Refuge

Good old days. The foundations of... everything that came later. I never dabbled in oil painting but I was bred on watercolor. Acrylic didn't come till high school. And fashion didn't come till much much later but I think I apply the same principals to it as I did with painting.

I feel like I had a lot more patience to learn something when I was young. I never questioned taking art classes even though I dozed off in the sunlit room that felt more like a greenhouse than an art studio. Now I'm impatient and quick to ask how long it takes to refine a skill, a virtue, a gift, my character.

This morning, for the first time in the past week, it was sunny. After ministry yesterday, I felt light and renewed. This morning I felt joyful and at peace.

Psalm 127:1

Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.

Muahahaha that verse speaks directly to the direction of my blog.

Psalm 109:1-4

1O God, whom I praise,
do not remain silent,

² for wicked and deceitful men
have opened their mouths against me;
they have spoken against me with lying tongues.

³ With words of hatred they surround me;
they attack me without cause.

⁴ In return for my friendship they accuse me,
but I am a man of prayer.

It's nice to know that David went through what I was going.

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How sweet it is to be here right now. It was our last House Church meeting today. As we were sharing in groups of three, I felt very encouraged to pray for one of the sisters whose birthday is tomorrow. Actually I really dislike praying in groups because I always fumble with words or have little to say. But I felt an overflow of love and joy to pray for her. She wanted a physical touch from God that weekend and was disappointed it didn't happen however she restrains herself from crying when she is touched by His word or by a worship song, dismissing it as crazy and over-emotional. My revelation to her was that God is far more interested in touching her heart than to give her a slap on the back or a high-five. He wants to be close to you in Spirit and in the heart more than a physical embodiment. I know because I was through emotional hell and back. What I need is a realization and comfort in the soul, not so much a physical act.

How sweet it is to forgive people and to be released from the bondage of anger. I have somewhat finished Inner Healing, having forgiven out loud all those people who have hurt me and renouncing being bound by self-criticism, silence, performance etc. It's good to know that God is a god of justice- that He will judge and not I (I've tried and you kinda end up hurting yourself in the end).

These past few days I've been thinking about the direction of my merger (of blogs of course!) and I think God has revealed more of the philosophy of the blog to me. Actually I had designed the overall look of it half a year ago but never followed through with it. I've thought of the single driving message I want to get to readers that reflects both me as a designer, fashion enthusiast, baker and Christian. If you know me and were at my baptism, you could probably guess the whole theme I will be basing it on. It's so deeply rooted in me, how I perceive God and what actually, everyone truly desires.

I've prayed about it, and like Samuel's mother, dedicated my future blog to Him. I'm not sure what His response will be but I know it'll be a leap of faith. That night I dreamt of jumping into the void and my body physically responded. I tried to 'recreate' that action lying on my bed which was essentially both legs 'leaping' up. Surprisingly it's hard to do it when you are asleep- I don't do sit ups or even exercise for that matter. Leap of faith. Of course in gladiator heel boots as I saw in that vision. lolol.

You are the healer to the broken,

A lover for the lonely,

A whisper in the storm,

A father to the foreigner,

A refuge for the wanderer.

I was reading Psalms this morning and I realized how emotional David is when he writes. He gets pretty depressed and angry in which he pens in this book. As an artist, it really resonates deeply within me.

Wow it's funny that I was crying in anguish, asking God, in front of my HC leader to remember me quoting Psalm 134 for He declares to be close to the brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. His deliverance is swift. He loves me just as I am.

They told me to describe the following: a room.
I pictured a white plastic room like a Macbook- shiny, reflective and fake. Bright with fluorescent light.

They told me to picture Jesus approaching me (I was sitting down in the middle of the room) and hands me a weapon of my own choice.
I pictured an axe.

They told me to break down the walls.
I pictured myself just simply standing up. I wasn't sure how an axe would break a large sheet of plastic except it came crumbling down by itself like dominoes around me. I realized the solid plastic wall was actually made up of brick-like formation.

They told me to step outside of the room and to tell them what I see.
I saw wisps of 'air' and fog in shimmering autumn hues of red and gold.

They told me to look again.
I turned around and saw long, thin trees so tall they reached to the heavens and disappeared in the light of the sun.

It was kinda neat because I saw how large the world was outside of that box of fear. It was higher than I could ever reach or see with my eyes.

They told me to repeat the same process for some other issue. I pictured a wooden log cabin- unlike the Mac room, this one was dark and heavy. Jesus gave me a box of matches and I started cracking up because I was thinking I'd have to set the house on fire including myself. Instead, every time a match was struck and placed near the log walls, the log would disintegrate into black ash. This time I was standing in the stratosphere- blue skies and the faintest clouds.

They told me to repeat some prayers. Strangely I have a hard time repeating what people say with my eyes closed. I kept saying 'announce' instead of 'renounce'. But the second time around I pictured God in front of me and I was saying things directly to Him. I pictured a plastic box- much like the one compartment bento boxes and every single thing I renounced, I took it out of the cavity of my chest and placed it in there. And for some reason, reciting got A LOT easier. I wasn't focusing on her words or on her, I was focusing on speaking to Him. It's funny that I can listen, recite and visualize in my head far easier than it is for me to close my eyes and try repeating words. At the end the box turned to dust.

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I realized I have to love myself.
Sounds kinda cheesy but yeah. I have to start putting myself first in a healthy manner of respect. It was a spirit of self criticism that I neglected myself for the sake of others in hopes of finding affirmation from them.

I deserve better.
I deserve better than how people have treated me. I deserve to be listened to, respected, and loved. I deserve to receive from people as freely as I give.

Breakpoint, breakout, break away.

I had House Church retreat this last weekend in Cheng Chau.

You know it's funny. It's funny that God knows me so well that He forces me into the most uncomfortable situations and presses me to do things that I really don't want to do.

I was stuck in the same room as the girl who sent me those unfriendly text messages.
We were sitting in the dining room and my HC leader asks me if my canto is really good and the girl quickly quips in that "no her canto sucks right?" as if she was my language spokesperson. My HC leader got offended by her blunt answer and 'rebuked' her saying that it wasn't right to respond in that manner.

I go back to my room and the girl follows me. She asks for clarification if I was hurt or angry because she was offended that our HC leader rebuked her in front of everyone. I said I didn't really hear her answer but I know how blunt she is so I kinda look past it. Anyhow she starts to bring up our last confrontation at the beach and said how she pushed me aside this past week because she saw that I had issues and she didn't want my negativity to rub off on her. She said I was too quick to judge and I was blunt (I think that's untrue right? I don't even confront people right away). And THEN she tries to pull her 'rank' by using Korean culture and saying how I should respect her since she's so much older than me (she is 30) and I need to just listen to her and not talk back. She just started snapping at me and then I asked her if she could just listen to me which she said yes but continued to yell. When I finally got her to calm down by loudly saying "CAN YOU LISTEN TO ME???" I just couldn't handle it anymore and ran out, slammed the door and into the living room.... and the whole house church was there and I just sat down next to my HC leader and started bawling.

People said they thought my parents died or something.
I just couldn't handle being yelled at on top of feeling isolated, feeling hurt from being honest and from slowly showing people my less reserved side and not feeling accepted because of it. I was dropping from the weight of people's issues and having to give give give all the time.
Long story short, I spoke to both my HC leaders because I really did not see how confronting the girl alone was going to help anything. My entire HC knew that something went wrong and one of my HC leaders went into another room with me to talk it over in more detail. I didn't want to slander against the girl so I went into more specifics with her. In the end we prayed together and I forgave the girl, rebuking against all the negative, untrue things she said about me.

Anyway I tried to act normal after that which turned out successful.
I think when push comes to shove, God knows all the right buttons to press to make me confess to people. Was it a bad or good retreat? It was bad in a way because of that confrontation and good because.. I finally got it out. I sound really normal here but I was hysterical last night. It's comforting to get confirmation from my HC leader that what I did was right and pleasing in God's eyes so I'm not really questioning my own actions. I am just afraid of becoming resentful against her. I was just a little angry that she tried to pull rank on a non-Korean when she likes the international crowd AND that she thought that I was giving her negative energy. Why can you not support me? I just couldn't handle all that was happening the past week. I told her I was having a hard time this past week, I told her I've been crying every day because I was so hurt by her and others. She just said that that was why she just distanced herself from me- because she thought I had too much negative energy.

Wth?

What I got from all of this is that... I'm going to start cutting people out of my life who are making me spiritually and emotionally unhealthy. I started writing a list of 'keepers'- those who I feel like I can be totally myself around and whom I feel like even though distance/time/schedules may keep us apart, I should put the effort into maintaining friendship because I think it'll be worth it in the end. And then I wrote a few names of 'questionable company'- those who only take and never give such as that girl. When we enter the suite, she immediately takes the first bed before asking the rest of us if it was okay (one girl would have to sleep on the bunk bed.. but you know it's nice to ask first). It irks me as a giver because I would most likely love to give you the better bed only if you just considered my own preferences first.

It makes me feel guilty almost that I have to do this but what other choice do I have if the other person does not change? It hurts me to know that I will have to back off but it's the only way I can maintain a level head. I keep giving and giving, hoping it makes the other person happier and secretly wishing to be filled too by him/her, but it never happens. Instead I'm just tired, anxious, stressed, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, and feeling less loved.
I realized I am performance driven. I perform IN ORDER to get people to love me. We sang this song today "Father, I Want You to Hold Me", it's an old song but this part really touched me:

I bring all my fears and I lay them at Your feet
You are always here and You love me as I am
Yes, You love me as I am

I started tearing because... because it just felt so good to know that someone would love me just as I am. Not because I bake for them, not because I talk to them on MSN 24/7, not because I'm pretty or smart or silly or charming, not because I listen to them... but just because I am who I am without all the antics. I can just stand at the altar and know that God loves me now without lifting a single finger or without opening my mouth or without doing more devos or prayer.

Yeah, so that was retreat. I don' feel like I retreated anywhere, I just went into some hysterical confession from being pressured in the situation. I didn't expect to throw it out there like that.

You know, we did this icebreaker game where we would each ask a question to someone else and that person asks a different person a different question. The question I got was, "what is the proudest thing you've ever done within the past three months?"

My answer was, "being honest with people about who I am and what I think."




Did I do the right thing? Did I handle things correctly?
My HC leader kept saying I did a good job and that being honest entails being hurt and rejected. At the same time, knowing that someone is angry at me makes me wonder if I did the right thing.
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God spoke to me on Friday prior to the retreat through several blogs/bloggers:

-I got an email from dear Jeannie,

Part of what I see, from the very limited perspective of reading your blog, is that you're not an ocean yet. The analogy I use in my head is that we're all pools of water-- some puddles, some oceans, and everything in between. Spiritual and emotional immaturity is evident in puddles, when you toss in a pebble and the surface of it practically explodes relative to its small size. Non-christians and shallow people are like that, and you've seen it I'm sure: "I didn't want MILK in my coffee, I want CREAM AHHHHHH!" As we grow deeper and wider and greater in volume (we can hold more Living Water! ahhahaha) we can deal with bigger and bigger things being tossed in and still be fine-- boulders and cliffs don't even register on the scale of an ocean, much less pebbles. And part of that means that we have to dig out of ourselves to make room for more water, I guess... My point is, if you know "hey, I'm a pond" or "i'm a lake", that's totally fine, and you can tell people, "hi, i'm a little overwhelmed right now. Give me some time and I'll talk about it later." You take your extra time and you broaden and lengthen and deepen your little pool of water, you know? And of course, ask God to fill it.

I was really meditating on this portion of the email the past weekend. It's true. My acc.partner said I was a well- very deep but still not wide as an ocean. She jokingly said that she really wanted to be the Amazon river.

-From a HK fashion blog,
当你在一段关系的过渡期，不常为自己想的时候，问题关键在于你是否把自己还是对方放前面。如果你想这不重要，事实上可能是重要的。
先照顾好自己//

"LOOK AFTER YOURSELF FIRST"

-The title of another fashion blog post,
SHYNESS CAN STOP YOU FROM DOING ALL THE THINGS IN LIFE YOU’D LIKE TO

That spoke directly into my heart- it was so strange. Iono, thats been me all along. There's a reason why they describe shyness as 'painful'. I feel like there's a spirit of silence that's been taking ahold of me these past years. I feel stifled by the fear of doing what I want to do and being judged by it.

Screw you spirit, I have Inner Healing ministry tomorrow AND I am working on my portfolio blog! So ha.
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Before going to this House Church, I wasn't really praying that much.
The odd thing is that I feel like the quality of my prayer is skyrocketing at this time and my desire to pray more is going through the roof because I am so intensely in need for compassion and reassurance. At the same time, as God challenges my character, I feel the intensity of His love despite all the hell. It makes me realize that God is far more interested in giving and shaping our character than He is just giving us stuff like money, cars and dates. I realize that my whole worldview is shifting- I highly value the beauty of patience, kindness, honesty and perseverance. What resonate within me is not how much people make, but how they respond to the littlest things. I catch myself admiring people who, despite being delayed by others, remain calm and patient throughout the whole time. I admire people who do things for others and not expect anything back except the reward of seeing people spiritually grow.
You can't buy patience. Nor can you buy perseverance. In fact you cannot buy any fruits of the Spirit. And that's why I want them. They can only be born through a desire to grow closer to God and through being refined, can we bear fruit.

Now I just feel the desire to pray when I wake up, when I go to bed. When I'm at work or when I feel very down. Last week as I finished my entry, I sat on my bed moping before I was praying but when I started to speak to God, I was just looking at the night view of Hong Kong... and the only things I could say to Him were words of gratitude. I just started listing things that I was grateful for and it gave me a sense of peace despite how messy things were inwardly.

Anyhow so yeah, that my spiritual update, drama, tears, fears and all.
And You love me as I am.

Finding a Forgiving Heart

I'm tired of saying I'm tired.
I'm tired of telling friends that I'm unhappy.
I'm tired of burdening a couple of people with my unsolved issues because I know how heavy the burden of listening is.



Last night as I said, I snapped at my mom and quickly regretted it and called her back. My mom has no idea what's been going on the past month beyond the blogs but when I started explaining the situation with that girl, my voice started cracking and I realized how much she hurt me.

Today, my mom sent me a long email with some advice:

1) learn to say NO more, or at least not to say YES right away. Give yourself some time to think about the commitment

2) don't feel bad to say NO, it is better to say NO than to do something grudgingly

3) choose to do the things that are important. This is very essential. I learnt this from a very capable lady years ago in Chicago (she died early a few years ago of cancer) and I still use this principle to select my commitment.


At the office I started crying because I felt so hurt- luckily I sit by myself and I hunch over so the person near me can't see my face. I was so angry all I wanted to do was go home and rant on this blog at this person.
I take people in too easily that they see me as someone who nurtures and not with respect as a friend. A nasty habit of mine, I try to please the person in hopes that they will reciprocate out of their own free will.

I just feel like... an emotional pillow for someone to rest on until they recuperate, a listening ear for those who are struggling with issues, a giver of sweet gifts and a receiver of heartache.

And now these friends have found replacements.
I'm not going to rant at you, I'm too tired. But you know, you wounded me really deeply. If I really did mean that much to you, I shouldn't feel like this.

I've been trying so hard to be a good friend so how did it go so wrong?

For the past week, after my aunt says goodnight, I shut the door and cry. I don't know enough Chinese to talk that in depth with her. I feel like my NY friends, my closest ones, are so far away from me.
You know, I don't know the pain of losing a boyfriend, but I do know the pain of friends who don't cherish you. And it hurts like hell.

My acc. partner talks nonstop and I don't have the heart to tell her to stop talking for once and listen to me. I am so overloaded by people's requests and friends' issues. My mom says 'only do what is important'. My friends place high in that category yet how can I weigh what's important? How do you measure the pain and need of a friend who desperately needs someone to listen to her?

I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired, once again, of people.

Above all, I have to find the strength to forgive. I think the greatest lesson that I ever learned about living with a roommate was the crushing weight of an unforgiving heart. I was the one who was wronged but held it against her for so long that it drove us further apart because I was hanging on her feelings of guilt tightly that it made it impossible to forget. By the grace of God, we reconciled in the end and I do have a fondness for her despite all the anger those years.

It's so difficult. I tried to give them happiness, rest, peace and laughter but all I feel is anger, resentment. bitterness and sadness now. I've done nothing to deserve this.

You take my mourning, turn it into dancing

God, why?
My mom calls about the church bag I am designing and I am so cranky. I tell her that I never wanted to do it in the first place but because my dad asked me to I've been working on it.
I never wanted to design it in the first place but no one asked me if I WANTED to do it either. So I've pushed it back for half a year now. She called me to hurry it up and I just blurted out that I never wanted to do this in the first place.

I'm so angry right now. I'm so angry at everyone right now.
I can't believe I have to apologize to people but I'm sorry I'm so emotional the past month. I try being happy in front of people and on this blog to avoid being known as an emotional female artist. I know, Andrew, you said that I shouldn't laugh after I share about something I'm sad about but it's only way I know to displace my sadness without burdening the other person.

But every time I write here now, I start crying because I feel like I'm about to collapse. I've never felt so isolated because of the truth, never so far from friends, never so tired from the people who are supposed to support me and never so drained from helping people.

Anyway I just called my mom again just now regretting that I was putting my anger on her. I'm just tired. I'm just lashing out at people because the people who are supposed to be addressing me, aren't.

You know what I feel? I feel hollow. I feel that I gave so much that I'm just empty within. I'm trying to find a shred of something that someone gave me recently and I can't find anything.. except perhaps one thing.

God, I'm so hurt.
I feel like I should have never said anything, should have never been real, should have never been honest, should have never been myself.

I'm crying but no one sees it so I have to write it down here.

Inner Healing, 詠恆

This is the most amazing song: Chris TomlinOur God
Someone from my House Church recommended it to me because there was a Passion Concert a couple weeks ago here in HK.

I love the simplicity of Chris Tomlin's worship songs. The simple repetition of an undying truth is so powerfully moving.

I have no idea what the heck is going on with my life. The week before my inner healing session, I felt like I was being crushed with the weight of five to six different issues at the same time.

詠恆

That's my Chinese name (minus the last name). My mom told me it means 'eternally singing praise' (to God). The funny thing is that I don't sing in front of people- I only sing during worship because it doesn't matter how off I am since it's not for them. The first part of the '詠' indicates with the mouth while the last part of it means 'eternal'. Eternally with the mouth. The last character '恆' means 'praise'.
You know what it means to me?
It means that by my name in English, I am listener of God. In my Chinese name, I am meant to speak praise to God with my mouth. So both my names united together means I am both giving and receiving from the Lord. I am to both SPEAK and LISTEN.
I think I have a pretty awesome name.

Yet for some reason I have lived to marginalize myself. I've tried to avoid being a burden to others- placing other people before me and listening to their issues while not saying much about myself. I've baked for others in efforts of making people happy while asking nothing back. I have tried to make myself almost transparent beyond giving and doing things for people. I don't tell people about the blog that matters the most to me. People do not know me beyond what I project in person or say online.
I've been trying to keep quiet when what I really want is to receive and do things for myself. Not for anyone else but for myself. I want people to respond to me and not only having me respond to them.

Because of this realization I confronted another group of people. Sadly I don't think many people want or like to hear what I have to say because as much as I try to say it in love, the underlying truth hurts. One has pushed me away and only speaks to my acc.partner who is also having issues with her. We used to hang out more until I realized she only invited me out because she wanted to tell me her issues and for me to pray for her.

I wrote a post last night but it disappeared. I came back from inner healing session yesterday and started blogging when I realized I had to write an email to my dad.
If you listen to Sunday's sermon on fathers, I couldn't stop crying and shaking. I was so moved by the message but I had no idea why I was so touched because I grew up in a pretty stable, nuclear CHRISTIAN family. Anyhow the following Monday I went to inner healing and we did that back to the womb exercise in which I could visualize everything in a sketch, line-drawing format because I don't think my brain can visualize embryos and wombs like the Discovery Channel so I pictured everything in a cross-hatch sketch. Funny funny.
Anyhow the topic of fathers came back up in addition to the bullies in my past. I could not breathe because I was crying so much. In my head I don't understand why but I am... except I came to inner healing to find deliverance in another aspect of my life and NOT my dad so that's why I'm still puzzled.

Anyway as I was blogging here last night, I was nonstop crying so I decided the only way to fix the issue was to email my dad. I had already wished him happy father's day but my mom was constantly talking on the phone so I thought writing an email would be best. Mb I shouldn't go into details on this blog but anyway my dad responded the next day... and he seems like the typical confused Asian man who doesn't show much affection and didn't make it seem like a big deal because... moms are supposed to be closer to their daughters right? He said although I have littles memories of us, he remembers my double hand backhand swing that he would like to imitate and remembers taking me to swim team practice at 6am in the morning. He says I was his "number one" (except I couldn't understand why it was in quotes and I wondered if that included my brother.. hahahaha)
I guess it wasn't that big of a revelation but I feel like I level-ed up.

I've always had a hard time seeing God as father. I remember Janet, my previous roommate, would speak about God like He was her dad and I had a very difficult time connecting to God on that level. I still do because I'm a lot closer to my mom than I am to my dad. I know my dad loves me by the things he gives me and the things he does for me, but not through the spoken word, encouragement, blessing or touch. As Isaac took his father's blessing away from Esau, I too wanted that blessing from my parents so I guess that's why I suddenly told them about my blogs. I wanted that word of affirmation from them that I was going down the right path.

I would give anything to 'level up' to get closer to God. The past week has been extremely emotionally and mentally draining as I was anticipating my inner healing session. It was hell and on Sunday I was at the verge of collapse because I was so tired.. so tired of people, so tired of my inability to speak out, so tired of my fear of revealing to people who I am and what I really think and what I love, so tired of giving... that I would put on my sunglasses over my swollen eyes and when we bumped into people from church, I would give a curt 'hi' and stopped pretending like everything was okay. I just sat stonily during lunch- I know it was impolite but I was too tired to try to look okay.

While I still am really sad in some ways, I am encouraged because I know that God is very close to me when I'm broken.
Psalm 34 really encouraged me this week as I was going through issues:

1 I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.



Ok I might as well have highlighted the entire chapter but I think Psalm 34 really spoke strength into me because I knew that in tumultuous times, God is working in me! I could complain that 'life sucks because so much crap is happening at the same time' but I can't help but feeling a little relieved that it's all coming at once because good riddance to all the junk in my life. It's spring cleaning and a lot of unnecessary weights and objects are being cleared out.

Oh one more verse courtesy of bible gateway:

“The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; the LORD will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”- Psalm 121:7-8

Life is hell right now. People who I thought were closest to me aren't speaking to me. People at church don't know me and think me too young therefore spiritually naive and shallow. People who I deem as good friends take for granted my generosity/care/time. And I'm too afraid to say anything. And I'm too afraid of what people will think. I'm too afraid of Christians being critical of what I'm passionate about.

And that's why God is greater than all of these.
I have confidence that all this hell is for a purpose.
I will be the listener of God and the one to shout praises to Him in everything I do.
After all, that's what I've been called at birth.

A Primary Color Life

Photos: my friend's birthday present with a travel theme.

So it's the end of the week and I am exhausted.
I skipped House Church this week because I didn't want to speak to people- that's how tired I am. Though Wednesday was a public holiday I'm more drained than ever.

Wednesday I had to bake two cakes. Thursday the friend comes over to help make the frosting and then put them together. Friday we had the birthday celebration. I was so tired that as soon as we finished opening gifts and eating cake, I showered and went into my room while they were all chatting outside.

I'm now desperate for that book: Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, that I'm reading excerpts on Amazon.com. I am so tired that I just want to swear out loud (I will not give into temptation!).

I think part of it comes from the perfectionist in me- I can't stand having things another way than what I imagine it to be because the vision in my head is so strong, I want it to be as close as possible in reality. The gift you see above is for a childhood friend of mine. We were friends as kids growing up in Hong Kong and many years later I bumped into her at Times Square (HK). We started hanging out again last summer and since then she's visited me in NYC and we've gone to Japan and Taiwan together. The gift started off when we were perusing Cotton On together and she saw the striped maxi dress and really wanted to get it but thought it was too expensive. She wanted to go to the beach with it. So from there I thought of this idea (I like to give themed gifts) of a travel package- as if she could go on vacation at any time and simply bring this easy kit along with all the 'essentials' in it. It's kind of a joke too because she recently got a job and is on probation so she can't take leave to go on a trip with me.. so I'm poking fun of her. On a more serious and sentimental value, we've become very good travel buddies and much of it comes from spending time with one another through exploration.
Anyhow, the bag includes:
Agnes B. passport holder and luggage tag (another friend purchased those)
Striped maxi dress
Miffy underwear (she likes Miffy and I found them at a store)
Sunscreen (so important in HK -_-)
Muji notebook and pen (she wrote down every detail of our Japan trip down right to the time we set out in the morning.. I bought a pen because last time she borrowed mine and never gave it back when we were in Japan.. she still owes me one)

The travel-size cosmetic bag you see actually is her birthday card. Inside each instrument/case, there's a note from each of us to the birthday girl. The bag I got from Muji- although I would much prefer to get her the straw tote or the striped swimming bag which would have emphasized the idea of summer but it was out of my budget so this one had to do.

Anyway the cake.... the cake was a little confusing. I would call it a semi failure again. I am on a four-time losing streak or something that I don't want to try anymore. She didn't have much of a response to it. She didn't even take the rest of the cake home- three quarters of it is sitting in my fridge.
As for the gift, they kept laughing because I got the wrong size Miffy underwear. It made me feel worse because I went across the harbour to go to that particular store to buy it. I didn't mean to get too big of a size- and I wasn't trying to insult her by thinking her hips are bigger than they actually are. And they continued to say that they look like boy underwear except... American girls wear boy cut underwear! My aunt once saw my American Eagle underwear and thought I mixed it up with my brother's until she found out we have something called 'boy cut'!

"Anger is a friend. It was created by God for a purpose: to tell us that there's a problem that needs to be confronted... The ability to use anger to distinguish between self and others is a boundary." p70

I always thought anger as being separate from what God created. I always thought that anger was a sin thus I would internalize it. The reason why I internalized it was because there was one moment growing up in HK when my mom told me that I was 'too sensitive' and I took it as a very negative thing. But because my mom, the now defunct computer engineer, has a more 'mathematical' brain, I guess she never really understood her daughter's vastly different framework and mindset.

Sensitivity was always negative to me but then I am realizing its power and as a gift. I cannot blog if I'm not emotionally sensitive. I cannot see the cool blues in the shadows against the warmth of yellow light if I wasn't visually sensitive. I cannot sense people's needs if I am not sensitive as a listener. I couldn't have made that present if I wasn't sensitive.
I often sense myself getting angry very quickly and am even more quick to try and discover the root of the issue. Yet often times I let it build up over time until I feel trampled on and then I explode on the person who thought everything was fine and dandy until I busted. I always thought that I became angry because I was TOO sensitive and not because someone just crossed the line.

Well now I know better. I need to start establishing a good fence. A fence not a wall (that is my note to self because I end up building emotional barriers against people).

I'm not supposed to be exhausted after a party. I shouldn't be annoyed after the birthday girl leaves and think "good, I can spend time alone." I shouldn't be ticked off when the friend comes over today to pick up the cake for her bf's birthday which is today and still asks me to help her to transport the cake into the box.

Most of the time when people ask me to bake or want me to help them bake something for their friends (essentially people I do not know), I want to say no unless they find a recipe themselves which never happens. I end up researching and baking it for them and they come to pick it up. Something is terribly wrong here.

I know what it is. I always hear a voice that says "you are just being ungrateful" when I feel angry or sense that someone has crossed my line. The problem is that I have high expectations of myself as a friend thus I have high expectations for other friends in turn EXCEPT I know people will disappoint SO I have NO expectations on friends. And because I have now no expectations on my friends, there's an imbalance.


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This song has been comforting me: Howl's Moving Castle theme

I adore this song- maybe I'll waltz to it when I get married or something. Howl's Moving Castle moves me deeply because at the time I was introduced to this film. It's symbolic of a lot of things. I love the part at which the piano breaks free from the strings at 4:25 and shines as its own voice for a split second before it melts back into the chorus of violins. It's on the point of a mad frenzy while remaining in control at the highest level of virtuosity.

Exuberant.

I can't get that word out of my head. It's been stuck in my head for the past few months. Exuberant. It's what I want. I want a life of exuberance. I want my life to be like primary yellow, red or blue. An essential color that cannot be replicated by mixing different colors together. I want it to be pure, saturated and bold.

I want someone to pray for me on Monday for a life of exuberance.
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God spoke to me this morning when I was reading Acts 7 when Stephen was preaching before he was stoned,

"When Moses was forty years old, he decided to visit his fellow Israelites. 24He saw one of them being mistreated by an Egyptian, so he went to his defense and avenged him by killing the Egyptian. 25Moses thought that his own people would realize that God was using him to rescue them, but they did not...35"This is the same Moses whom they had rejected with the words, 'Who made you ruler and judge?' He was sent to be their ruler and deliverer by God himself, through the angel who appeared to him in the bush. 36He led them out of Egypt and did wonders and miraculous signs in Egypt, at the Red Sea and for forty years in the desert."

Moses was born into a life of privilege. God gave him the desire for justice of his people. At the age of forty, Moses kills an Egyptian for abusing an Israelite thinking that by his own hand he can bring freedom to his people. In reality, the Israelites, his own people, turn against him and he flees from Egypt and all that all the he was entitled to as a prince in the royal family. Another forty years pass before God CALLS him to fulfill his role on earth as a leader to bring the people out of slavery and into the land flowing of milk and honey.
Points that hit me:
1. Don't do anything on your own. It usually never works out the way you want it to. You will end up feeling defeated.
2. God gives each person a passion and a purpose to fulfill but He calls us to it and not through our own effort.
3. God gave us our backgrounds for a reason. Moses became a prince even though he was an Israelite under the Egyptian rule. In other words, he was born a leader but not as a king but as a spiritual leader for God's chosen people.
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Um I REALLY need this book. This book is explaining me to a tee. People without boundaries set up secret boundaries such as withdrawal or resentment against the co-dependent. HIHIHIHI. Luckily during my fast I noticed that the only way I could fix this was coming clean with people so I guess I'm one step ahead of the chapter excerpt I am reading.

"Her concept of friendship was to find people with needs and throw herself into a relationship with them. She didn't know how to ask for things for herself." p149

You know what the funny thing is. The funny thing is I have very clear boundaries at work. I go exactly at 5:50 when we get let out because to me OT is a big NO. At work if someone bullies me, I make it clear that I do not tolerate people disrespecting me. I know exactly what it is at work that I can be of use at.

The FUNNY thing is that I am where I am because I know where my God-given gifts and passions lie in my workplace. God blessed me today by giving me a chance to change the front-end of our site for the latter part of this year... which means a lot because I can dictate what direction we will be approaching customers to ordering merchandise. And initially I was told I couldn't propose anything that would affect the main site because it's not in my power to do so.

How is it that I see my relationships so differently? Why does my heart feel like EVERYONE is an exception when it comes to friendship?

I've never felt so encouraged and discouraged at the same time.

Prophesy
After speaking to Andrew and Rin about the prophetic conference they went to in Toronto, I was so encouraged to continue looking into speaking to God in different levels and practicing prophesy and seeing visions. I'm so interested in knowing more about the different ways God speaks to us so I went around looking on the internet:
God Speaks: Prophetic Mini Series

His Ways of Speaking

I get Massa a lot- I guess that's also what you call your conscience speaking. I felt 'burdened' to fast (I just realized that it's a funny thing fasting.. you abstain from doing something or eating because you are HUNGRY for God). I always feel like a thought or idea pops into my head and for the rest of the day/week it plagues me until I do it. Hahha so God is like my mom who is always nagging me to swim/exercise for the good of my health. Great. :P

Secondly I think my blog speaks through Naba or Nataf. I can't really confirm this but there are times when I do find myself suddenly hit with a revelation while I'm typing and become very encouraged by the words written here.

Also this spoke to me about my dream about models and shotguns:
"God often speaks to us in language and symbols that come from our own frame of reference. Amos was a farmer/shepherd, so He spoke to him with rural imagery that was charged with meaning. God will do the same with you because He is a communicating God." (from the series above)

I guess for me that would be fashion! hahahah no wonder I always see the clothing more than anything else when I dream... and I thought I was just too into the clothes of the people I dream about T-T

Anyway I want to know more about angels of different cities, I want to know about dark speech, I want to know about operating under the Holy Spirit and getting closer to God. EXCITING STUFF. I want to hear these sermons so badly and I'm so jealous you guys got prophesized over! I WANT TO GET PROPHESIZED OVER. I can't believe how crazy accurate the preacher was! Wow I am so encouraged to hear a breakthrough. GO TO INNER HEALING.

Inner Healing
SO I got an email this afternoon saying that my inner healing session will start on Monday at 7:45pm. Just so happens my acc. partner will also go at that time. If you remember, please pray for me. They told me, to my disappointment before, that they could only slot me in for July and now I got bumped up. Whoohoo....It'll be interesting because I want to run free. And have you ever thought that the reason why you feel that your passions are bound by chains is because Satan doesn't want you to realize your potential when restored? And that's the reason why I'm going to inner healing. I want to know what's up and why I feel so defeated when it comes to things that really matter to me. There will be about three sessions, each max three hours long.

Boundaries
My whole body is aching from baking. I just finished putting together my friend's birthday cake and I need rest. While I was decorating I realized that baking is certainly not what I absolutely love to do. It's a de-stresser but when I have to bake for other people too, it gets to me. I'm a solo baker and an introvert when it comes to my craft: I do not like baking with people because it distracts me from the task at hand. I want to feel the texture changing as I stir the spoon, I want to feel the chemical reaction as two different ingredients come together and blend into a medley it has never encountered. I need to think and gauge and adjust. Having to help people or distributing different tasks annoys me because I have to give them something to do and they end up getting the whole kitchen messy ("DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE MIXER WHEN FLOUR FLIES OUT"). Anyhow, I had to bake an extra cake for my friend's boyfriend who I've never met.... and she asked me why our mutual friend whose birthday is tomorrow, gets three layers, while her bf only gets two. I'm sorry I hate waiting for every half hour to take a cake out to cool and then reinsert it back after wrapping foil around it and back into the oven for another half hour.

I can't wait to get that Boundaries book. I am super fidgety because I won't get it till later but I need to read it. I realized I've been dragging this out way too long. I was thinking today at work that I honestly do way too much for people. And I need to find my balance. The problem is is that I LOVE doing stuff for people... that's not the problem actually, the problem is that most people are not like me and this issue arises at least twice a year. I get burned out by people and then withdraw. I remember ever so clearly last year when I confronted my NYC acc. partner and God spoke through her to remind me of the story of Jesus and feeding the five thousand through one boy's meager lunch. My lunch, my effort/care/time/love can only do so much. It can only feed one or two people. But give it to God, you can feed thousands. I never forgot that.

You may ask then why I'm still in the situation I am in. I don't know so thats why I need to get my hands on that book. I'll read the excerpts on Amazon for now. Sad. I don't know why but when an opportunity to help/serve/encourage the people around me arises I LEAP at the opportunity. And just thinking about having to hold back feels very uncharacteristic of me. But I'm so tired of people taking me for granted. I didn't want to bake an extra cake for my friend's boyfriend. I don't want to go to IFC for coffee with my friend when we were supposed to meet the following day anyway. I don't want to hear my acc.partner's endless detailed rants.

I still remember two winters ago I cried on New Years day because my friends made me make a wine pear tart for them but the wanted me to drive to their house to drop it off and refused to come over to the area I was in. I invested three days into making the tart yet they wanted me to almost spoon feed them by going to their house like a delivery boy. It was that day when I swore never to make another wine pear tart (I ended up breaking that because other friends who were worthy of the tart requested it... but I got her in trouble by her boss when I dropped it off). I'm tired of this. I'm tired of having to ask people to do stuff for me which is on rare occasions because then it kind of goes against the whole sincerity factor. I want you to want to do something nice for me. How friggin hard is that? You already received from me and yet I'm asking not much.
GOD WHERE IS MY HUSBAND.

Anyhow, I spoke to him for the first time since a few months. I get so jittery that I make myself think about God and tell myself 'lang jing dee' (COOL IT).
OK I am gonna go talk to God. Feeling happy and not happy at the same time.

Spiritual Fast Check List
-Spoke/confronted acc. partner. Check! *New
-Spoke to House Church leader. Check!
-Spoke with Rin about les garcons. Check! *New
-Spoke to parents! Check!
-Spoke to close friends of NYC. Check!
-Spoke to House Church friend. Check!
-Spoke to former roommate. Check!
-Signed up for Inner Healing ministry. Check!

Hm I thought I should get some other things quickly resolved with other people and now I've pretty much built a team of stability. I pretty much babbled this entire afternoon at work to two people and I'm slightly relieved that things are out of my head. The only thing I am not pleased about is that I didn't get my book! It's out of stock so they are delivering next week but my friend will be in Australia for work so I probably will not be able to start reading until at least beginning of July. *dies*

In the efforts of becoming more spiritually aligned by doing the above, I think I have become more encouraged to start afresh. I think I needed to go through the fast in order to get myself horizontally aligned (people) so I could be vertically aligned (with God). I remember the first time I went to SP, a girl shared that when she started dating she realized that sometimes the issue is not something we need to fix directly with God in order to restore our relationship with Him but in fact requires a horizontal confrontation with the people around us in order to fix our relationship with God. In other words, at times we are required to fix the relationships around us in order to fix our relationship with God.

I am also encouraged that I've been seeing other bloggers also going through the same thing as I. It sounds bad but I also marvel at the timing at which we are both wondering if this is worth pressing on for. Coincidence? Not really.

I was perusing a bookstore today and looking through this book on excessive data information with the power of google, and this was the question the author asks "why does this information matter?" It made me think about the direction of my blog because honestly speaking, all fashion blogs go through a ripple effect and all end up reporting/wearing the same things. Lace bellbottoms are in so everyone is wearing them slowly. Or feather headdresses and fringed tees or soon it'll be a long jersey skirt (because I want one and no one is carrying them right now but I sense that they will oversaturate the market.. I like to guess the next 'it' items)

Deviating away from the blog, I feel incredibly fortunate to be in the position I am despite the complaining I do about working in an office. My boss is the CEO and I am the youngest in the company. I feel like... Daniel before he got tossed in with the lions. When I want to take leave, I don't need to ask a manager to see if my other colleagues would also be taking leave. Everything is taken care of by his secretary. I can walk into his office if I need to speak to him without speaking to someone to get permission first.

I wrote on my X mas wishlist that 1) I could get Womens Wear Daily (WWD) and 2) school loans paid off 3) People to visit me. Funnily enough I received a WWD subscription the day before my birthday when the CEO just randomly asked me to subscribe to it after he read my recommendation list. My entire school loan was paid off by my parents on my birthday who thought 6% interest was ludicrous. And a lot of my cousins are visiting this summer or Christmas when my HK cousin is getting married. God is good! ^^

Keep a spiritual blog or journal. For me, it's this blog. And I know although some things should be kept private, but I can't help but write almost everything that I'm struggling with so I can visually see how God fulfills and answers all my needs.

I never liked the beach before I started working but ever since I got an office job, I've really started to enjoy floating in the sea. It's as if instead of being constantly surrounded by computers, plastic chairs and artifice, I'm surrounded by gentle waves and baking sand. I like being carried by the sea to almost the point of helplessness. Since Wednesday is dragon boat holiday, if the weather is nice, I will go for a swim.

-I'm looking at cake recipes.. kicking myself to look at cake recipes. I used to think I could run this all on my own but it's just left me dry. I don't know what happened. I used to have a ton of ideas for recipes that I really wanted to test and try and now the thought of having to make a birthday cake fills with my with dread. I am not inspired and I am not wanting to make things for anyone right now. Ok I just found two recipes I want to match up together. Hopefully it'll work. I've been failing A LOT when I last baked... in total three times and I'm tired of failing each recipe. I just want to do something concrete. If I have the energy, I will post this one but I have to make double portions because my friend's boyfriend's birthday falls on the same day as our mutual friend's. Sometimes I just want to tell people to just buy a cake and not get me involved.

-On that note I was discussing with a couple of fellow NYCers about how much time it takes to write a post. I think on average my baking blog per post requires about two hours to edit, sort photos, upload and write. The Japan posts which required In Design took about four to five hours due to the sheer amount of places we went to, I had to edit them and find a common theme I could work through them. I'm not even done but I just died three quarters of the way through. Honestly it was because I didn't think people cared besides my mom who was saying "I went to Europe for two weeks and no posts! What happened?". I know we're supposed to love what we do despite what other people say (or don't say) but you know, we're not islands. People who write want to know that others are reading it and learning something or feel more enriched by it. Artists who paint and draw want to know that they are adding beauty to someone else's life. Designers want to know that what they craft can add a sense of ease to a user's life by relieving the stress of a particular task. Fashion designers want to know that women feel more beautiful and sexier in that dress because they understand the anatomy of the human body.

Similarly I want to know that my blog matters to some people. And I can't think of a more simplistic answer than... comments. Sorry, it sounds selfish but that really is a mark that a reader is moved enough to be compelled to give back something and become a participant- a compliment, a critique, a word of advice. I think that is the humblest and pride-less thing I can really say.

- I'm so busy every week but I don't feel like it's particularly anything that is causing it. It's just a build up of birthdays, house church, get togethers and yeah. I need some time to myself so I can just start designing. I have thought of the perfect logo and the perfect blog name. Surprisingly the latter came a while ago when I was at work. For some reason all my best ideas come from sitting with a vacant mind, listlessly wandering inside myself and suddenly, pow! I'm hit with a good idea. I keep a notebook in front of me which I scrawl all these random ideas on lest I forget. Anyhow I was thinking about an underlying concept, idea, desire and love of mine that would remain unchanged despite fashion trends, design fads, what my friends think and my own fickle likes/dislikes. That idea I took and transformed it into the philosophy of my future non-existent blog. It runs in the name of my (non existent) blog to my logo to who I am and what it is that I am trying to look for. Thank God for this blog because a lot of it is extracted from my own ponderings and tangled thoughts. It's funny to say this now but if not for the struggles I have been through my entire life, I would not have come up with this concept.

-Feeling discouraged about church. A coworker who also goes to my church and small group sees me on the subway to work today, says hi and turns her back to me. It was super awkward to me because I was thinking of talking to her and was halfway taking out one of my earphones until I saw that she didn't want to talk. I really do not think some of the girls at my small group really care to become friends. Granted I am a whole lot younger by years than most of them, but I don't think that is any excuse for me not to understand what the are going through. Often times when I voice out my opinion "oh I wonder when I will start dating" they will immediately say "you are so young! You don't need to worry!" like it's an automatic answer to shut me up each time. So I am also a listener because I am told I'm too young for everything. Even my acc. partner will say to me "you are young, but you will understand in the future." Please do not talk to me like this, I may be young by years but my spiritual maturity is not dependent on age-old experience. It is marked by the depth at which I have encountered God and by the fruits of the Spirit.

-I really want to skip small group tomorrow but... I really want to start reading that new book one of the guys is supposed to be getting me.

-So I can't join Welcoming Ministry until I've done the GIC course (basics on Christianity). It annoys me a little that there is a requirement to serve. The commitment level here is nothing like it was at RWC. I served on Welcoming EVERY week and here it's basically 'sign up whenever you want'. So... it just sounds like you can do it out of convenience but without a steady group of people on Welcoming especially, it is hard to get to know who the newcomers are due to the flux of city-people. Shouldn't they perceive the heart first, the one who wants to do Welcoming and the one who is gifted in this ministry before looking if they've passed some church course?

-It was good to hear from you NYC girls. Such a big comfort to share in the same struggles of blogging and church hunting. I miss your fellowship. But... ONE of you is coming and the other is only one time zone away! XD Keep running the race because we know that the crown is an everlasting one.

Blogger does not do justice to my photos. Click for the enlarged version. Hong Kong can be so beautiful shrouded in clouds with sunlight piercing through in majestic brilliance. My aunt doesn't understand why I am so in love with the view at her apartment. I love how Hong Kong looks different every day. It's better than any painting because it's constantly changing with the weather and the light. I'm so in love with the landscape here all the way high up in my skyscraper apartment, I'm gonna find it difficult to move to lower grounds. In one year I went from living on the third floor of a New York studio facing a school with no light 24/7 and suddenly shot up 63 floors up to see the entire stretch of the city of Hong Kong.


Meditating on this song: All I Need is You.
I love the bridge at 2:30.

God is speaking to me with piercing clarity.

-I got to church early today to help out with pre morning service prep. Although there was nothing to do today, I introduced myself to one of the girls on the Welcoming Ministry and she told me she's seen me at RWC (my church in NYC) back in 2007-2008. Small world....

-I sat down to quiet down before worship and flipped open to 1 Cor since Andrew recommended me to read it. My eyes fell here,

1 Cor 1:25-31
For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

I think that was God's answer to my struggle of an insignificant passion. He can use anything no matter how shallow, how sinful, how frivolous, how weak, how small it is.

-We sang two of my old favourite worship songs:

'Breathe' by Michael W. Smith,
this is the air I breathe
this is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

And I, I'm desperate for you
And I, I'm I'm lost without you


and 'Your Beloved' by MercyMe

I'm your beloved
Your creation
and you love me as I am
Yo have called me chosen
for your people
Unashamed to call me your own
I'm your beloved

Call me a sap, call me unstable or overemotional but I fully understood today how much I needed God. When the lyrics 'and I am desperate for You', I crumbled because I am so... DESPERATE to hear Him. When we sang 'Unashamed to call me your own' I understood that though friends and family hadn't known what I was struggling about, God has known all along because it was Him who planted these passions within me.

-The sermon was delivered by our inner healing ministry leader on REJECTION (both self and others). She said if she could recommend one book to us it would be 'Boundaries' by Townsend and Cloud. Ok, ok I get it God. I've been told twice this week to get this book so when a suggestion comes twice within a week by parties that do not know each other, I usually go with it.

-So I've been procrastinating with helping my parents design a graphic for a bag for their church. Mind you I dislike using Photoshop because manipulating images and messing around with them is not what I'm good at. I like doing overall layouts on In Design that requires typography, text and already edited images. It's been half a year since they asked me to do this bag and I'm still putting it off because I dislike Photoshop. T-T Anyhow I was at a temple the other week and fell in love with the beautiful textures of the rock and decided to take a picture of it to use as a photo print of the cross. I tried to think more gimmicky ways of presenting the cross in a kaleidoscope format or in the manner of a Givenchy Spring '10 print but in the end, I decided a big graphic cross would be good enough to get the message across. Anyhow due to the popularity of photo prints, I'm thinking about doing the fill with a photo and that photo is of the rock photo I took. I was wondering if there is any way I could string a verse in there to give it more meaning. As I was flipping to 1 Corinthians to quote the above verse for this entry, the page fell to Isaiah 44:8

"Do not tremble, do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago? You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me? No, there is no other Rock; I know not one."

FUNNY.

-I got two emails today from two dear sisters back in my NYC church who are really supporting me during this time namely Jeannie and Stacy. Though they didn't really answer anything, they gave me some questions to chew on and encouragement to keep going.

-The friend who I confronted yesterday along with the offending girl and I had lunch together today. I was a little sensitive to whenever the girl did bring up guys trying to address the immediate issue was about finding a community over a boyfriend, but afterwards when the friend and I were walking back to our respective homes, the friend said she was glad we had lunch and that she's seeing the girl in a whole different light.

-GOD PLEASE KEEP TALKING TO ME. I'm all ears.

-I dreamed last night that I was among many lanky models. One was sleeping on the couch and while she was unconscious, another model took out a gun you see hunters carry, pressed it against her temple and shot her in the head. The model on the couch suddenly rose and stood up and I could see the bullet pressed into the side of her head and she started bleeding and then fell over dead. I interpreted it as a sign of having to talk to my friend today or else someone is bound to get hurt.

-I confronted my friend but she still doesn't understand. She thinks that "my problems are bigger than that other girl's boy problems. I can't tolerate this right now until my job situation gets better I will talk to her." All I wanted to say to her was "dude if Jesus said 'sorry I'm too busy worrying about how I have to die on the cross in a couple of weeks so I can't worry about your issues of having no food to eat after listening to my sermon' then you can just forget about asking God to bless you with a job."

She thinks that avoiding this other girl would help her love her more AFTER she fixes her own issues. As we walked to the bus stop together, she tells me that "I know I'm being selfish but everyone at House Church is like that."
I don't really like to praise myself but I seriously do put people before myself. Obviously I've kiltered to the extreme opposite of self-neglect, but I generally think of others in my immediate circle than I do of myself. It's a little ironic coming from someone in the fashion industry but I guess each and every one of us is full of contradiction.

Anyway I did get a little angry in our discussion. She makes me accompany her when she is going through hard times yet I doubt she will listen to the issues I am going through now due to the measurement she has placed on weighing her own problems vs others. I mean really, if I started talking about my fear of what other people think and about blogs, she'll think it's completely invalid compared to her lack of a job since I am employed. To her, nothing is greater than being blessed with an employment letter. I told her she doesn't have to confront the girl but she can just love her by spending time with her. The only reason why a girl new in town wants a boyfriend is because she doesn't have a steady foundation of friends. But for some reason she can't really grasp that concept of just being there for a person over preaching. She thinks that I really like that new girl and am 'siding' with her when I'm just trying to tell her that shunning other people's problems because of selfish reasons is wrong.
On a happier note, she told me that she has to be more like me to which I told her not to look to me as an example because I'm just as messed up. She later tells me that she thinks that God really spoke to her through me and that she has to be more caring of others. I guess it's a start.

-Anyhow, 59 comments and 65 votes! Woot woot.

-My mom is funny. I finally got an email back concerning my 'confession':
If I had known that you love fashion so much in your high school day, I would have signed you up to sewing classes then. But then, I might also have been very narrow-minded and tried to wrestle you from this 'dark pit' to the 'glorious land of Mathematics'. Ha, ha, I do not know. I hope I was of the former. I hope you get my point. Accept yourself, and do not hide behind something. Dad and I are proud of you.

Hmmmmmmmm. The brain gears are now chugging away in my head. This email confirms some stuff and another step to God's green light.

-I had a pretty bad headache last night having stayed up too late chatting to my friend turned shrink (Andrew! haha thanks) and after sleeping in, it didn't get any better. The friend and I went to Stanley beach to just lie down and tan. God's grace- it was a beautifully sunny day with the clouds in the periphery while blue skies hung over the beach.

-Ever since my mom shared that she always thought my passion was in baking and not fashion, I've been wondering how people perceive me as I have shaped myself to be. I'm so tight-lipped about a lot of stuff that I've realized that the person I want to be is vastly different from who I am in person.

-I read this from a friend's blog last night,
"I really believe that the world would much rather see someone who is intensely passionate about something that's "insignificant", instead of a lackluster performance of "important" tasks by a half-hearted person."
After I read it the first time my eyes got 'caught' in the words and I choked up. The second and third time I read it, I cried. I realized my struggle is not so much about how other people will perceive me as much as it is my struggle to see how God can use such an insignificant passion. I cannot even perceive how a fashion blog will change anything for the better and to say the least, see the significance of what I have to give. I feel like what I am passionate about ALWAYS is in the most frivolous of things. I am passionate about things that really do not matter that much. I am passionate about styling. I am passionate about desserts. I am passionate about blogging. I am passionate about layouts. Whoopdidoo. I can't feed starving people with dessert. I cannot clothe them with styling tips- not because I can't, because I have no passion in that sector. I guess the greatest hurdle to overcome is to allow myself to love what I love.

-God, You said you're close to the brokenhearted and those crushed in spirit. Where are you?

-I think the friends I value the most are the ones who I can be myself with. And when I think about those friends, I realize how few they are. Then again I've held back a lot so it's not completely fair to blame it on others. But if you know all three of my loves aka blogs, then you know I regard you as someone who really matters to me! ^^

-I can't wait for my inner healing session which is why I guess I am going out of my way to find healing. :P

Shrink

Sigh a failed blog project.



Jump for joy. I adore the candid quality of jumping shots.



Because I have no boy to make me steak (inside joke), I rely on BLT Steak filets. Medium rare, please.

Some points during my fast:
1. Like those who fast on food and understand hunger, I am so hungry to blog again. The funny thing is that as I have stopped blogging on my own sites, at work I am in charge of doing a few issues for our yet-to-be-launched company blog. I'm sitting at work watching Wonder Girls 'So Hot' MV and dissecting the clothes for our customers. Only at my job can you watch K-pop music vids on You Tube.
2. I confided in my House Church leader concerning my blogs and she asked me what makes me feel alive. I realized that making layouts fills me with joy. I'm doing a blog issue on the Wonder Girls (I noticed that they're doing a North American concert tour this July so I thought we might as well bank on this opportunity by addressing some concert looks that customers should rock there) and I totally lost track of time at work which rarely happens. I already completed an issue on swimsuits even BEFORE the blog launch which is supposed to happen some time later this month. I'm crazy but I was so eager to start it.
I'm crazy about finding the right typography to match the meaning of the titles. I'm crazy about writing blurbs to create more value to the photos. I'm crazy about choosing the right photos to give a direct visual example to our customer/reader. I'm crazy about making text sound catchy and fun, and the visuals in proportion and neat. I'm crazy about creating an overall eye-pleasing unified relationship between text and graphics. Yeah this sounds totally bizarre and no I do not regret not going into communication/graphic design. I'm totally in love with what I'm doing for our company blog. I LOVE LAYOUTS. No I do not want to work for a magazine like Vogue. There's no chance to experiment.

Ps. My favourite font is 'Geosanslight'. It's essentially how I write by hand as a font (capslock of course thanks to my previous interior design experience).

3. Oddly enough although I stopped my style blog within 20 hours of posting on a fashion community site I received 50 comments, 5 fans and 2 blog followers from my last queued post I wrote right before my fast. Wait, make that 51 comments now.

4. I can't stop thinking about a future unified blog. My work notebook is full of mini sketches, words and phrases. I've got a general LAYOUT done. I know what my logo will look like. Is this wrong? :S

5. I realized how much I love blogging. More importantly I realized that all my gifts fall into the world of blogging.

6. From my mom since my last email to her,
...your revelation did answer a big question I always have : why do you care so much more about baking than fashion? To me, may be also those outside your loop, you have always seemed to be interested in baking more than anything else. This always puzzled me cause I know you like fashion, and yet your action doesn't speak of that. Well, more to it another time.

What I want to say now is, you don't feel cared by your friends and they always use you as a emotional garbage dump. You know part of the reason, and that is you love to give to people by listening. The other reason is that most people want people to listen to them, including those who are supposed to listen to poeple, like counsellors. Another reason is you are the type who does not open up easily. If you put these 3 reasons together you can see why you are always on the receiving end. You cannot go on forever like this, you will be tired and lonely. You have to slowly learn to open yourself. I find that scary and insecured but it is a must because friendship is nutured by communication. It is not communication any more if it is always one-sided. You will find that in the process of opening up, you may be hurt occassionally because the other party does not show interest in listening to you. Then you know where that friendship will head to, it is not a real friendship if the other party does not want to learn more about you. I hope you will try.

I am hellishly afraid of being emotionally attached to people. It's inevitable I know, but I'm always saying goodbye that I try not to get deep enough to the point of shedding tears. While I used to cry at the airport in my freshman year, I became a pro at zooming through the airport with as little as a knot in my throat. I think my fear of being emotionally attached comes from the fear of putting people on a pedestal. While a few people have shed tears for me when I left, I left pretty proud that no one wormed their way into me to the point of moistened eyes.

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I'm addicted to Sean Kingston's 'Replay' and Akon's 'Beautiful'. No joke, I played Akon on loop at work for two days WITHOUT switching songs. Today I played 'Replay' on loop. My Itouch seriously was on replay. It keeps me going at work and gives me some rhythm.

Can life get anymore ridiculous? I'm always hoping that this is the darkest point in the picture and that God will draw some light next to it soon. I'm picturing Satan conversing with God about how to test me and I'm just WAITING for a breakthrough. Sometimes I think, the worse it gets, the more beautiful God's deliverance will be.

Today a friend asked me if I wanted to hang out after work. I told her I had dinner plans- which I did, but I was just eating at home by myself. I'm emotionally drained so I wasn't really up to see anyone particularly because we're supposed to go to the beach tomorrow. I said she can come to my area if she wants to grab coffee to talk but she declined saying that it was too far. I know what she is going through- she lost her job and her boss refuses to pay her the justified three months of leave she has to take in the finance sector. Obviously she's stressed from not being able to renew her contract so I'm willing to lend a very limp ear to her. I mentioned that tomorrow we could invite this girl who recently started going to our church to go to the beach with us because she mentioned how much she wanted to get a tan. We get along well since she's closer to my age and she just moved to Hong Kong so I feel more inclined to invite her out. For me, the number one reason why I leave a church is because of the people. If I can't connect with people, I have a hard time wanting to stay. It's why I try so hard to include people at church particularly when I was on Welcoming Ministry. Anyway shortly after on the subway home, I received this text msg,
'Why u keep involving [insert name]? I have no desire of hanging out with her, she always seems to talk about guys, no value point of spending time with her, sorry!"
I texted her that the girl was new and I wanted to include her and this is the reply I get,
"True, but to hang out with her, to me very stressful. I know I sound v. selfish. But my current stage, no room for others. Sorry"


Even more ridiculous: she then calls me when I'm eating dinner at home and watching TV, to see if I could grab coffee with her again but she still wanted to go to IFC which is STILL across the harbour. I would STILL have to take the subway to HK island. I said if she REALLY wanted to go, I will go because I know she's not exactly at her happiest right now.

This is the crux of the situation: people hang out with me BECAUSE I am a good listener. To them, my value is BASED on how well I listen to their problems. If I didn't listen well, they wouldn't ask me out to places. She doesn't like it that I invited the new girl to the beach with us tomorrow although she's gonna be there anyway since she has dragon boat practice. She said she has issues, I know that. But dude, I have a lot of issues I am dealing with too. I am STILL making room for you although right now I just want to be alone. I didn't lose my job but I am the brink of a breakdown. The new girl I wanted to invite has a lot of issues too- new to Hong Kong with no friends, you know the drill. Lonely girl then wants to find a boyfriend to keep her company in a strange city. And to me she is such a lovely person, I don't want her to find just anyone to fill that void so I want to keep her busy and connect her with other Christians.

There's a photo of me at the baptism that took place on a beach last weekend posted on facebook. The only person I see in that photo is me.
I don't really value any of my HK church friendships- I could drop them right now and not really care what happens to these people. I was only their shrink and a temporary loneliness-diffuser. The only relationships I care about are a couple of colleagues and ironically they are non Christians. I just can't believe the hypocrisy of the Christians at church and their uncaring attitudes for others. Where is the servant heart? Why is it that I look at this thirty year old Christian and despair when I see spiritual immaturity? Why is it that when I see a 28 year old accountability partner in bouts of rage that smaller companies aren't offering stellar salaries because she decided to settle for less to avoid being rejected at the top firms, I am so disgusted by Christianity? Why is it that when I receive extremely hurtful text messages from a thirty year old that I question the validity of the church today? Heck I saw more of Christ in my friends at RWC who were all younger than me. Now I don't want to be thirty. The only reason why I am still here is because God called us to be unified with the church body and to love them. If I leave, I will not be loving them. I know, Christ should be the role model and not flawed humans, but I can't even see evidence of God in these people.

If it makes the situation any 'better', as soon as I finished dinner and was about to get out of the apartment (I tried for 8:30 and she insisted on 8:15 which gave me half an hour to finish dinner and jet over), she said she was gonna see me tomorrow anyway so I didn't have to go out. She then texts me that she has to learn to be less judgmental and more accepting. I guess that's a start.

I don't know, but after this incident today, I was highly discouraged. If anything all that I said in the past few posts was summed up with today's incident as a stellar example of people in the name of 'friendship' blatantly using me as a shrink. My mom said that I should open up more to people but if you don't extend the invitation, I will not open up. Even more so if you ask me how I am, I will test the water to see if you are genuinely asking me or just saying it out of habit.

My guess is that if I open up a duo blog, I'll really be able to test all my friendships. Because my blog persona is so vastly richer and in depth than who I am in the physical, the blog will weed out those people who wanted a passive, quiet listener from the ones who want to see me thrive as a whole using all the talents God gave me.

I realized this at work. My talents include drawing, writing, photography, baking, graphic design (I <3 Indesign and Powerpoint.. I LOVE Powerpoint and loved making presentations for school.. I know.. so nerdy but that's how I impressed the teachers in front of everyone.. and made everyone else look like amateurs! XD). And what's the underlying theme in this? They're all ACTIVE. They all require me to CREATE. And what am I now? A passive listener, shrink of a friend.

God, can you please give me a go-ahead?
51 comments!

*Edit: omg since I can't post on my fashion blog, I'll just share this here. What Men Really Think About Your Clothes.
These literally made me laugh out loud with sheer delight. I'm still looking for the coral red lipstick.

Um yeah so in my last post I got kinda emotional.
Not that I'm not ever emotional but really I just blurted out whatever I was thinking and I don't know why I did it but I think I just had to admit it there to make sure all my motives were just out there. It's ironic that I can come clean with all my inner struggles and with my growth as a christian, but I have such a hard time opening up about anything that concerns the shallow and the physical.

I feel very weak right now. Both spiritually and emotionally, I feel like I'm being attacked and weighed down. This is not something I should really share in depth but my current acc. partner is bombarding me daily at work with her troubles and she is often extremely dramatic and emotional about her situation that I feel both helpless and numb. She is quick to judge situations and people. It REALLY scares me- I sent her a style blog that I love. It's essentially an Australian girl who models her own vintage finds to sell on her store and my acc. partner's immediate reaction was 'cool site but she has too many photos of herself.. too self absorbed'.
Phrases like that makes me clam up immediately. Oh geez, how would she perceive me then? Yet at the same time I can't help but notice how much she likes to talk about herself. This kind of hypocrisy irks me and drives me further down the road of not going public with my interest in fashion. If I cannot feel accepted as I am with my passions and interests, I am having a hard time accepting other people and their flaws.

I felt so burdened last night because my parents came home from Europe. I called them and the started rattling on about calling Citibank concerning one of my student loans. My mom asked why I sounded so distant to which I stonily said 'never mind.' I am sick and tired of listening to people. I'm struggling so much with dealing my own fractured life that I'm finding it hard to encourage other people to be strong. I am finding it hard to be supportive of people because I feel like I have nothing to give them because I'm so exhausted from giving.
Anyway, out of the blue, I emailed my mom chronicling back to the days when I lived at home, I wrote about my shame of my interests and all the way down to the present. I sent her all the blogs I own save this one, and showed her the past three years of photography in my evolution of dress.
I told her I was tired of listening to people and I'm even more tired of giving. Yet sometimes I feel like if I don't give (a listening ear, a lending hand, a sympathetic voice), people will withdraw from me and those who I thought were my friends, were actually just people who wanted some comfort and attention. Thus I would feel guilty for snapping or withdrawing or not being helpful ENOUGH.

She replied saying that she has always been a little confused with my interests (mb cuz I RARELY speak about fashion to anyone beyond people who express interest) and that the email clarified a lot of things. She has yet to get more in depth. But I feel like getting the support of my parents will help me further down the road to deciding what to do.
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One thing I am learning is that if we ask God for something, we should have full confidence that He has heard us. My house church leader (already married at 24) once shared that single christians should pray for their future spouse. And I realized that I should stop praying for 'God give me a boyfriend' because if I have the faith that He has already heard and knows my needs, I should 'level up' and pray with peace that will be fulfilled somewhere down the road as we run this race and I should instead, pray for his development and spiritual growth. So whenever we meet I can say "dude I've been praying for you all these years that you may find your identity in Christ." It sounds like crazy talk but when I pray during the mornings, I feel more renewed in my conversations. It feels like I can contribute to his spiritual life EVEN THOUGH I have no idea who he is.
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God, remember you said that when we are weak, You are strong. Where is that display of strength?