Psalm 88

-Go to the shoe cobbler for some project I decided to take on myself because I'm curious
-Write in this blog
-Make icons for blog
-Edit photos and somehow post
-Figure out navigation bar
-Go to get my Alexander Wang bag fixed (darn you stupid concert chair)
-Figure out the third week of October (will announce if third week happens)
-Post latest baking project that occurred a week ago and which none physical elements remain in sight
-Email friends
-Practice drawing on Wacom tablet
-Ponder about my winter wardrobe. Then commence pondering if there will ever be a winter here and realize my efforts in pondering are futile. I guess no fox fur earmuffs again this year (dang!)
-Have time to myself to do all the above.

In addition to this, got hair cut and wondered why I waited six months to get it cut. Oh right because I hate the look of a fresh haircut. Anyway, I found a hairdresser who does what I want- boring and simple like I actually didn't cut it.
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My spiritual life is going downhill. Someone rescue me. I have no desire to go to small group and probably will not go again tomorrow because they're praying about retreat that occurred this past weekend and I did not go to. I have no wish to speak to people from church nor get to know the majority of them yet at the same time, the less I go, the more guilty I feel. Frankly, God, You already know this but I never said it out loud, but I really don't care anymore. I still remember the day I cried when I was in Grade 10 at retreat at RHCBC because I realized that church hopping was not the answer to getting to know people. I still remember the post I wrote four or five years ago about being the spectator but never the player. And still to this day I am struggling with the same issues but with a new set of people. And I really do not want to bother with this anymore.

I met up with a girl who told me last week, "I know your situation but don't be angry with God."
I'm not sure if I'm angry at God. I'm not exactly angry at Him, I'm just frustrated that I'm always running in circles. The more people told me to go to retreat, the more I said no. If you want me to go to retreat then perhaps you should've taken time to know me beforehand so at least I'm friends with you. Then I know I'm just not another stat to add into the church attendance record.

God, I just want to say, screw church. I'm done with Christians, Christian fellowship, trying to find Christian friends to do Christian stuff and to talk about Christian things. Screw finding a church I'd call home. God I know I can't say screw the church because it is Your bride. Yet I'll never be a part of something- this thing we call 'family' or house of prayer. I'm always the outsider, the wanderer, the traveler, the nomad, the weird one who is always trying to fit into the standard church congregation. In HK there was Kornhill ten years ago- the only English-speaking Chinese kids in a Chinese-speaking church. Then there was CBC where I was under the idea that thought was higher than matter and to my present regret, never pursued the things I should've just done four years ago. And then there's Solomon's Porch in which everything I say or do is not to the full maturity of a 30 year old. Why is it that all these years at church I've never felt like it was okay just to be me? To be Sam as the American,Canadian,Chinese girl who loves fashion as it is without the justification of a higher cause, who hates looking like a fool playing retreat games, doesn't play softball and as an 80's kid?

I just realized the reason why I keep harping on Toronto is because that is really when I felt like a loss of identity. I just realized this right now. The reason why I keep referring to a memory of a church five years ago is because there was a split between who I was designed to be and who I thought I should be according to Christians then. I never felt safe in the knowledge that I was good enough as I was with a different set of talents as everyone else. I was under the impression that I always had to have an answer to pre-destination vs free will (screw that too).

Why is it that I feel that the church is crippling me more than it is helping me to grow? That's just it. I feel more crippled going to church than I feel like I'm growing or finding rest in. I find church exhausting, tiring. I have no desire to pursue church.

You can comment or write me an email because I don't know what to do anymore.

There's not enough time to do the things I want to do.

I realized that as soon as I started my first job, ambition kicked in and I'm so thirsty to do something for myself. I realized that I somewhat dislike the office job because at the end of the day, I feel like I don't own anything. Of course there's that nice fat pay cheque at the end of the month which I end up spending/saving on myself but other than that I don't feel content.

I want to run my own business.
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I need more time. I discovered I am not the typical 9-5 worker who likes to go home and watches TV after dinner until bedtime. I want to be more productive after work to make up for the 'loss' of time at work (hmm). This weekend I basically accomplished none of the things I wanted to accomplish. I ended up wandering around shopping areas and eating rich French food at cafes all weekend. Must do this week:

-Go to the shoe cobbler for some project I decided to take on myself because I'm curious
-Write in this blog
-Make icons for blog
-Edit photos and somehow post
-Figure out navigation bar
-Go to get my Alexander Wang bag fixed (darn you stupid concert chair)
-Figure out the third week of October (will announce if third week happens)
-Post latest baking project that occurred a week ago and which none physical elements remain in sight
-Email friends
-Practice drawing on Wacom tablet
-Ponder about my winter wardrobe. Then commence pondering if there will ever be a winter here and realize my efforts in pondering are futile. I guess no fox fur earmuffs again this year (dang!)
-Have time to myself to do all the above.

At least I did one thing out of my list (not mentioned above): I figured out what I am doing at the end of October. I am going to China. I am going to Sichuan. I am going to Sichuan because everyone thinks Hokkaido is the place to be so I want to go somewhere where most people probably have not been to. And when I go I will bring my camera and take some awesome photos of God's creation that will just blow your mind away. Yay.. went to travel agency with cousin and her husband and figured out a good deal for five days in the middle of China! Boys and girls, Sam is going hiking.

Side note: I think it's so true that ENFPer's, unlike other extrovert types, like a little privacy to digest all that happened to see if their values align to their actions.
"An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values."

It's so weird how accurate the Myers Brigg test is. Lately I just want to be an introvert in order to do all the things I want to do without having to think about other people.

A friend said to me, "you get to do all the weird stuff at your job... photographing celebs in LA, blogging, merchandising in Korea." I said, "well I decided to study the 'weird stuff' in school so I'm doing all the weird stuff that no one thought anyone could make a living off of."

Wow this past week I've felt like a mini celeb!
My mom called me to tell me two individuals from her church, RHCCC, saw me in HK last week. One couple recognized me but by the time they could remember my name, I had walked ahead.
Then a fashion blogger in HK saw me on Sunday, wanted to say hi but I was with family so she didn't want to interrupt.
Then my roommate msgs me to tell me a guy from Parsons saw me in Seoul the last time I was there in April. He knew me because I was carrying the red Parsons bag and wanted to say hi but said I was walking too fast.

Moral of the story: walk slower.


I'm not sure what the heck is going on. I've slumped into a depression- invisible to most people save a random spew of bitterness. I had some non-active suicidal thoughts yesterday (as in I was just wondering the 'what if' I disappeared) and then last night after having great difficulty sleeping, I dreamed twice where I was facing gunpoint. The first time it was at a cult- I was on the ground in front of a man. It started raining and he held the gun at my head. Suddenly he slashes his own neck and his blood spews out and mixes with the rain splattering all over me. The second dream- I was on a narrow staircase and a girl was pointing a gun at me, asking if I professed myself to be Christian. I hesitated in my dream and after deliberating said I was. She put the gun down.

What's wrong? Nothing really which is probably precisely why I am feeling this way. Our church retreat is coming up which I refuse to go unless God delivers $2000 to me to go. I can't help but feel angry at the church. The pastor rebukes those who aren't going and his analogy is "if you say you like me as a pastor but hate my wife cuz she's ugly, fat, not nice... I'll beat you up. It's the same with God. You can say you like God but hate the church, God's gonna be pissed."

Really? As he went with his sermon, I had the largest headache ever and wished he just stopped talking. Later one of the girls at my inner healing session saw me and asked me if I wanted to swap house churches- I almost cracked at that point. I don't know why- I'm so exhausted.

I know what my problem is (I think). I'm facing the problems I've always faced- adjusting to a new church and now I've just thrown my hands up after a year. I don't want to care anymore. I just want to float in and out of the church without my presence acknowledged. The problem is is that I've always stuck out as much as I want to remain invisible (see the above four cases for reference). At House Church I went into semi auto-pilot, smiling and making effort to make small talk with people. I realize that I slip into this mode when I don't feel comfortable. I'm inwardly unhappy but I pretend that everything is fine by outwardly being welcoming to people when in fact, I just want to put on a sullen face because I'm tired of smiling with no purpose.

Truth be told what a friend once told me has really stuck to me, "Why do you struggle with adjusting in new locations when other people seem to love it? You complain a lot about it but people think it's great."
That really hurt. At the time I just deflected it as something small but looking back now, it's in part why I try not to mention this ongoing struggle as a nomad.
What does one do when faced with problems, struggles, trials and tribulation? They turn to the thing they find most comfort in. Those who are wandering, run home. They run back to something that is familiar. And where can I run to if I cannot call anywhere home? I'm in Hong Kong- I can't run to my parents right now. I can't run to a church because it's not home. I can't run to any friends here because none of them know me on that spiritual level. I can't run anywhere that is a place of comfort. I want to go back to TO but I know once I go back, I'll despise the feeling of 'settling for less' and my fear of a church that is so philosophy-driven. I don't want to return to NYC because I know it'll never be the same as how I left it- people have moved, changed, made new friends and I know there will be an adjustment back to a life that only exists as a memory. And here in Hong Kong- I struggle with the same issues I struggled in the past few cities I've lived in.

I have nowhere to run to and I feel so trapped in this constant nomadic existence.

I realized in some ways, philosophy is very much like fashion. There are trends in philosophy (because really, even the deepest thinkers cannot argue the same two topics for that long before they get bored)- new ways of thinking that come and go with the seasons. As fashion needs new ideas, recycled concepts- so does philosophy. You need to publish some new books to be shelved in the philosophy section at Barnes and Noble as Saks needs new clothes on the rails right?

One profound thing I realized before going to sleep on the previous post, I realized that one cannot make something great about fashion until he or she discovers the joy in which fashion gives people. You cannot solve world poverty with fashion or help the children at sweatshops UNTIL you fully understand why people consume it in the first place and the reasons in which they subject their money to it. Until you can fully enjoy fashion for what it is in its physical form to its metaphorical sense to reflect the state of society, you cannot change it.

God, I'm so lonely. I want to go home wherever that is.

Hi Everyone,
You must all listen to the two sermons under Sept 12 NOW. I mean.. NOWWWWW:

http://www.solomonsporchhk.com/media/sermon2010.php

The titles are 'Covenant Relationship' and 'God's Faith'. This guy is seriously anointed. If you want to hear someone preach Genesis to Revelations in 45 minutes tying Jewish culture, history and the overarching theme of God's heart, this is it.

Anyway I hope you all listen to them because they blew my mind.
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"If you want deeper faith, examine God's faith- God's faith in us."

We often think that it's our faith that needs to be punched up with steroids when in fact God has never wavered in His decision to make us His chosen people. We doubt the faith in which God places upon us.
Self doubt- it's something I'm having a hard time overcoming. I'm working on a few projects both for work and personal ones and yet I wonder if it's... something I'm supposed to do. As I shared with a friend from NYC who just left last week, I can't justify what I do like she does. She is in social work- the justification and value of what she does is inextricably tied in with what God calls us to do- to take care of the weak and poor.
This is one thing I realized- I cannot do fashion for the poor, I cannot help workers in third world countries by giving them garments to make to sell to Americans. I can but it's not my calling. If I try to justify fashion for more than what it is- if I justify fashion through 'Christian glasses', I would commit the very crime in which I was seeking to break free from. Because in the end, if I justify what I do under what other people think is right, I am denying the industry as is.

I can't help but think that I operate based mostly on how I think people I left in Toronto would think of me. It's bizarre isn't it considering that Torontonians technically have the least influence over me for I've been in NYC the past four years and now in Hong Kong. I'm so physically far away from this place yet I operate based on what I think people at that church would think of me. It's weird- my fears pivot around a church I regard as my past. Truthfully, a lot of the struggle I have comes from being under the influence of people who found meaning through philosophy and apologetics. In their pursuit for the knowledge of God, I always felt a need to deny myself and to immerse my brain in 'the higher arts' devoid of material goods and worldly possessions.

I did a lot of things that I thought would please Christians around me.

At this point in life I just feel so... trapped within myself because I'm so afraid of what other people would think if I just let it out. This thing I designed- this pool that combines illustration, fashion, photography, food, personal thoughts of frivolity and culture- is it worth believing in? I'm quite tight-lipped about my life in the shallow sense. I know I kinda let loose here when it comes to my spiritual life but rarely do I ever speak about the things I like unless in person with someone with the same interests. I'm tight-lipped because I actually care about those things and I've built a fence around it all to avoid anyone from devaluing it.
By nature I am quite analytical and serious because I'm fed up with people harking on the shallowness of the industry that I'm working in.

It's funny because... I'm so filled with self-doubt and yet if I examined two strands of my life 'church' and 'career', I've always excelled in the latter. I got honors and recognition for my senior thesis, I got a job right after graduating without even really trying.. it's well paid, I'm working for the CEO directly and I get to fly every few months to do what people would call 'frivolous'. At the same time, I can't help but think that least I have a job on my resume. Looking at the first strand in which I call 'church', I've just seen a string of failures. I left NYC with many good friends yet now I'm starting from scratch again. This past summer has been hard- I realized that House Church remains only a weekly event that doesn't extend beyond Tuesday evenings. And the cultural/age difference eats away within me- I wonder if I'm friendless because I'm too young or because I'm not Korean.

This past week I couldn't sing any songs of praise during worship because I was so angry. Not angry with God but angry with the church and the people. Sure, we're all sinners and we should be looking towards Jesus as an example and not people, but I always feel like the outcast. I am not trying to be social anymore. I'm not trying to make small talk with people because I'm tired of its efforts to make conversation. It's been a year since I moved here and I am still struggling with church while my career is more or less on its way up.

What does total freedom look like to me? To express what I want to express, to do what I want to do and to talk about what I love freely without feeling condemned. I just want to do fashion and enjoy fashion for what it is and nothing more. I think some of the most powerful testimonies come from those who started with one passion and just ran with it without ever doubting its validity and its worth- and with God, made it into something great. Burberry now a $2 billion dollar company, is run by a CEO (Angela Ahrednts) who is a Methodist. When I read that in WSJ, my jaw dropped (http://magazine.wsj.com/features/the-big-interview/earning-her-strips/). Here is a woman who more or less brought Burberry up from its social collapse in 2004 and rose 30% in profits despite the hard-hitting recession of 2008 which ended the house of Lacroix.

If anything, you should not be condemning the fashion industry. If anything you should be encouraging the Christians in the field to be the difference there. I need to know that you are on my side, and not against me- that we are all fighting the same spiritual battle and that we are all running for the same crown.

I need to stop doubting myself and to see that God has faith in me to run with what He has already planted in me.

Hi hi.

So I'm back from LA. The day I returned from my trip was my one year anniversary at my first job. Crazy. I've been to Korea twice and LA once within a year. I'm now working on a pilot fashion feature to be launched later on this year and praying for an opportunity to go to Seoul in late October.

I noticed the cultural divide when I returned to the States. Here in HK, guys don't holler, they stare. They stare and if you stare back, they continue staring. They stare in the most indiscreet manner here where it's painfully obvious from the corner of your eye. Twice I tried the staring game too glaring back at the guy(s) but they don't flick their eyes away so it looks like we're engaged in a staring contest. In LA, guys don't stare, they holler. The first night we got there- in hoodies and bleary eyed, we stumbled to Subway for a bite at 2am. We got hollered at three times and asked to hang out once by a group of Asian dudes. It sounds odd but if men give me attention I want to disappear. I don't like the attention- it makes me feel awkward.

The Internet is a funny thing. Our parents generation never had what we had nor communicated in ways like we do now. Because of this there is no protocol, no ways for our parents to teach us proper etiquette. When can you text a friend? Is it wrong to use the Internet when others are around? How much do you share with people and how much should you keep private? Our generation sets the rules. Personally I do not like where the Internet is taking us- I feel the distance between even close friends when the Internet is present. Anyhow, we'll see where it goes.

I was having a conversation with a friend today about being an extrovert. Because I'm rather quiet around people, I tend to be attracted to people who are loud and outgoing. They fill the silence of my non-verbal participation. It now bothers me that I have nothing to say to people. I used to think that in conversing with others, if I held a mirror in front of people, I'd automatically be well-liked because they just saw themselves when speaking to me.
I remember close friends complaining my lack of participation. I actually have nothing to say. I only talk a lot when it comes to fashion. I know, it sounds bizarre but with fashion, I can leap over language,gender,race boundaries. I am not shy in voicing out my opinion on clothes. Usually I avoid speaking to guys but once I saw this guy in HK- he was in a store wearing a very cool jacket and I ran back and exploded in his store saying in my English-laced Canto "I LOVE YOUR JACKET. Where did you get it?" Turns out he was the owner and the designer. Anyhow we became friends and I'd gush over all his stuff. It's funny because there are some people who I end up becoming good friends with because I start off telling them how much I love their bag or something as trivial as that. For me, fashion allows me to put down all my guards. Fashion gives me a sense of... joy because it's a language I'm very familiar with and when I know other people speak the same visual aesthetic as I, I feel at ease. Anyway I'm wondering if I don't share much with people because of my moving mentality. My moving mentality comes from migrating every five years that I bother to stop trying to connect with people on a deeper level. We'll be friends to a certain level and I'll stop sharing about myself because in the end, I'll move and we'll be Facebook friends.

In a sense I'm afraid. I'm afraid when I share, the response I will get. That is in part why this blog exists because I am not responsible for my reader's response. They can be like "mmhm" or "what??" or "cool." and I wouldn't know. When I share, the worst response I get is a nod or silence. And I know people have different ways of responding but I end up second guessing myself when there is a lack of response.
I only share when people ask me something or show a genuine desire to know something particular about me. Otherwise I don't say anything. It's also partially due to my serious nature- I want to find some meaning to everything I say or do and a lot of the things I am thinking really have no value to the listener. You wanna know what I was thinking today? I was thinking "I want a plaid shirt like the ones I used to wear when I was 12" Or I am thinking about blogs or wondering what shampoo will leave my hair less sticky or how to promote my company more to customers. Often things I have to say are rather one-way. There is nothing to discuss- just a slew of thoughts and notes to self. I don't think people want to know every insipid thing that passes through my brain. That is the reason why Twitter exists and why I am not a user.

I guess the reason why I am attracted to the loud and outgoing is because it requires little risk on my own behalf since I don't have to share much. I realized that when I want an individual to like me, I don't talk about myself at all. It somehow reassures me that if the person doesn't care to know me, at least I never left anything behind. No strings attached.

I'm currently testing the waters and inching myself away from my past by cautiously talking about myself more even if I think the stuff I say isn't really relevant to the other person or deep.

Anyway, wanna know what I'm listening to?
2Ne1's newest cd:
Clap Your Hands
Go Away

f(x):
Nu Abo

You know what I think about the K pop industry? Producers are extremely savvy in talent distribution. Watch any group and see who dances, who sings and who does a little of each. Sub groups specialize in different talents and weaknesses are played down by other sub group's strengths.

I had a dream last night I was hanging out with Super Junior. T-T Donghae's really good looking.

I suddenly had an epiphany about our customers, the world they live in and their views on fashion. Starting to test my theories in new blog posts to see what responses I get. As you can see, I'm trying to live out their world in order to understand their mentality. With the right posts tapping into the right mindset of the consumer, I can shape the brand image of the company. In two days since we launched one of the posts, it hit 2500 views in two days. I was literally refreshing the page every ten minutes and seeing the page views go up! In two weeks it rose to 6464 making it the most read article on our blog yet. People are reading my stuff! ^^