I've finally decided to listen to my mp3 player again... and a flood of memories come back.. the last time I listened to it was when I was in HK... I miss HK again as sticky and polluted and humid as it is. Vitamin C's graduation came on and I got so many flashbacks of UHS and standing around waiting for friends.. And then Majesty/Always came on and I remembered the cruise I went on with my family two years ago.. I miss the past. I don't love the present. I'm afraid of the future yet eager to see what is in store for me.

Life can be so lonely at times. I'm having a bit of difficulty adjusting to my new life. It just occured to me last week that I will have lived in some of the most important cities of the world: Toronto, Hong Kong and New York (I guess Chicago doesn't count although technically I have).
I realized that no matter how much you are loved, you can feel empty and isolated.
Today I went to church by myself and left alone. Well I'm used to that-sort of. I've never truly felt completely at home with a church. Perhaps ECC in HK but that was such a long time ago.

My move to Parsons is like a double edge sword. I feel truly blessed that I was accepted out of 5300 applicants although I don't feel like I'm really talented. I'm also bitter that everyone else back at home has it so easy. Practically everyone in UHS stayed within the province. The only person I know who left the province/country was Sarah Bates who went to the Air Force Academy in Colorado.
I've realized that God has blessed me with this talent and parents who can afford this hefty $42,000 tuition/year school.... but I can't help seeing it as a 'curse'. Why couldn't Ryerson be like Parsons.. why couldn't Toronto be more artsy and up with their design.. Why is it that Ryerson boasts that their fashion students did something for the Bay(psh) and Parsons can boast about 20 fashion designers who have made it big internationally? Why does Parsons have to be 8 times more expensive than Ryerson... Why can't I have an existing friend as a roommate. Why does everyone else have friends going into their uni while I know no one? Kitty has Tania and Leaf and Tonia. Mitch has her old elementary school friend as a roommate plus Alice... Everyone knows at least someone in their uni except for Steph I guess. But at least she's two hours away from home. At least they all have only one roommate and perhaps a suite or townhouse.
I'm bitter that I'm always the traveler.
Chicago: 0.7 years
Toronto: 7.5 years
Hong Kong: 5 years
Toronto: 5 years
New York: n/a
Will I ever be able to settle down somewhere? I miss my house. I miss the peaceful tranquility and contentment. I miss being able to gaze out the window and seeing trees and the wonderful neighbourhood. I'm listening to Les Choristes in hopes of making me feel more at home.
I want someone to hold me.