Living from a Suitcase

I'm really nervous.
45 minutes until I leave.
It's just all the unknown factors that I'm worried about: my inability to speak French, transportation- all the nitty gritty details that every trip entails.

From having moved and traveled so much, I'm forced to limit myself to a suitcase or two. And it's funny to see how I prioritize my belongings- what things come to mind first when I pack, what I leave out, what I'm undecided to bring.

When in New York, there's no sense of permanence. When storing or purchasing things for myself, I wonder if it'll just be a nuisance when the times comes for me to turn in the keys of my temporary home and move out.

Shifting around globally has made me realize how much crap I have and my inability to part with all this 'junk'. I use the term 'junk' to describe all the stuff I have and love- though stuff that probably weighs me down more than it helps. And yet when spring cleaning comes around, I can't bear to part with those things.
Basically, I have two homes to store my stuff in: one in Manhattan and one here in Toronto. And both are brimming with stuff- when I'm in NY I keep telling myself there's a lot more room in Toronto to place my stuff in and to free up space in my New York apartment. But when I get back, I realize how stuffed my room is here and wonder if I should bring it back to New York where there's 'more' space. It's all a mind game.
I know, I collect and keep more stuff than I should.
Hoarding everything as boxes start piling up around me, accumulating dust.

Packing a suitcase always forces me to re evaluate what I love from what is most useful.

And it shows me how attached I can become to certain tangible items that may seem like such a big deal now, but in hindsight, are probably just minor things.

15 more minutes.
It's time to check things over.
Au revoir!

Paris, Paris// BS// Words Hurt More than Sticks and Stones// Paying a High Price for Ignorance

Paris, Paris

Hm so apparently I thought I was leaving on Sunday for Paris. But actually it's Saturday.
Oops, this is what happens when your brain goes on summer holiday. :P

To be honest, I'm not excited about going to Paris.
"What the frick are you talking about?!?!"

Because there are a lot of unknowns right now- not sure how I'm gonna get around with my extremely limited french (screw gr 12 french- I'd love to speak English to them so as to not offend them by butchering their own language), not sure how I'm getting from the airport to the dorm and I'm just a little hesitant about how I'm gonna be spending my days there. I know I'll be in the classroom and going on field trips- I'm excited about going to Versailles.
Yesterday I drew up a list of places I wanted to go to on my own if they weren't covered under our school trips:

-100 years of Vogue exhibition
-Rodin museum (sculptor of some of the most poetically 'erotic' sculptures)
-Yves Saint Laurent private museum/archive (THIS IS A MUST. Be it hell or high water, I am going here. From the start of his career to the end, every single drawing is archived and shown here.. drool)
-Musee de Costume (or something like a fashion museum)
-Angelina (some early 20th century cafe)
-The Opera House
-An exhibition dedicated to Jean Paul Gaultier (fashion designer)
-A lot of sighing as I walk down the Champs- elysees (meaning a lot of expensive window shopping. I must visit Chanel and Hermes)
-Pantheon

Um yeah. Not really into the Eiffel Tower because I went there in gr10 and it's annoying. I'm also semi dreading going to Versailles and seeing a ton of annoying Chinese group tours just going snap happy and waving their yellow flags around. And there are various cafes I'd like to hit up including this traditional Japanese tea salon (yes I see the irony in all this- I bought a venetian mask in Japan two years ago). The thing is is that I know my interests usually do not lie within the realms of clubbing, partying and drinking which I'm sure when all the American kids get there, will let loose and go nuts since hte drinking age is 21 in the States. I may go to one or two just to see how it differs from Canadian/American ones but yeah. Never was a clubber- it doesn't really excite me in any way besides the idea that I could dress a little crazier (in a very Sam-like fashion of course meaning sequins and stuff I use for photographing!). Yeah but I'd rather spend my time in a cafe or taking another look around the Louvre to see with my own two eyes the paintings that we herald as such great masterpieces today.

Yeah, I pray that God will give me some companions that share the same cultural/artistic interests as I do.

Oh- I'm also hoping to take a look at the Parisian street style and taking pictures of what they wear across the Atlantic. Fun fun fun.
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BS
Oh man, we had a good good good bible study this week: 1 Peter. I wish I was here for Part 2 and 3. :( I love group discussions- I find it slightly boring after a while studying it on my own since I only have my own opinion to go off of but on Tuesday we got a mix of insight and questions which I thought was very neat.
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Words Hurt More than Sticks and Stones
This week I've been yet again faced with another situation dealing with someone who is stepping all over me.
You don't realize it until you get into it. Initially you just brush it off as some random remarks, but after a while, the person thinks they can just talk you down and it becomes a 'norm'.
And yesterday, I just had enough of it. But being me, I just kept pretending everything was fine although I smiled slightly less and ignored the person sometimes. But inside, I wanted to just scream- I did nothing to deserve it. I took it with humility- the corrections, the 'advice', the crit. But I realized yesterday it got to the point where the person was just laughing at me at my own expense to elevate their own pride/esteem.
To the point where I just told my mom I hated the person.
All that resentment I was harbouring inside of me while having a smile plastered on my face, pretending I was okay- it just really got to me. So now I either have to talk to the person, explode the next time I am provoked or just ignore them.

Ironically those who claim to be the most sensitive people are actually the most insensitive people because they know how to hurt people with words. They know what makes them tick, what wounds and thus use it wrongly to their own advantage.
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Paying a High Price for Ignorance

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an 'authoress'- I wanted to write beautiful stories and illustrate them myself. I wanted to be an artist- to make this world more beautiful. What did you want to be as a kid?

I had a good day today. I watched the documentary "Who Killed the Electric Car?" recommended by my friend so all three of us congregated at her house to watch it.
Great documentary.
It just proves what retards we are and how some of us who claim to be on the cutting edge of technology are actually the most resistant to change.
This is what it really looks like (my self made diagram):

Worst-------------------------Mediocre------------------Best
Gas guzzling cars------------Hybrid Cars------------Electric Cars
Problem------------------ What we have now-----------Solution

The darnest thing about this whole retarded issue is that we have the solution/answer already there- it's been test driven, used and high acclaimed as a the best REPLACEMENT for the gas-run cars and yet because of politics, oil company pressure, the loss of 'trillions' of dollars for oil companies, they decided to shut it all down. It's not like there's no solution to our emissions problems. THERE ALREADY IS A SOLUTION. Who needs a frickin hybrid when the electric car is even better?
Oh and their marketing campaign for the electric car was a piece of crap. I could have done better.
After I watched it, I was appalled. Appalled by the selfishness of our leaders of today.

Someone once told me that they didn't think that if the leaders were concerned about saving the Kyoto Protocol- then they must be right since they know 'soooo much' more than us civilians. There are a lot of business disadvantages, economic problems and other issues that we'd have to deal with in order to adjust to the rules of the Kyoto Protocol.
I was speechless.
I could not believe someone basically just said that "if the leaders, who we believe are so smart, don't think the Kyoto Protocol is gonna work, then we believe them although we know nothing about it ourselves. Let's just trust them."
Omg, if we all believed that, I don't care, we could have the next Hitler and all of us would just 'trust' that he was doing the right thing.

Would you follow Jesus blindly? Would you place that 'trust' or blind faith in someone you haven't looked into, examined, scrutinized before coming to a decision? As Christians we are told to question our faith because it makes our testimonies even more real. We can answer confidently why we believe in this 'Jesus' as opposed to Allah or Buddha.

And yet we ironically place more trust in our human leaders.

The basic fundamental question BEYOND politics and personal agendas is this:
Is the Environment Worth Saving?

Yes/No

Sometimes, I wonder, why we always think the right way is the easiest. In fact, the right thing to do is always the hardest. No one said trying to uphold the Kyoto Protocol was easy. Okay, let's put it this way. The only people who are resistant to the changes are the big companies who are directly impacted because it means losing money. But the fact is that oil companies make more profit each year (honestly a trillionaire does not need another million- as my philosophy teacher said, we all know money is not the end goal in life because look at Bill Gates, the richest man, he donates a lot to his charities and does a lot to help society. If it was, he would be hoarding it).

Do you remember the song 'Circle of Life' (Lion King)? If we don't change our ways and try to save the environment do you know who is going to be affected first?:

The starving poor in slums.
The very people we see in World Vision videos or missions clips.

I've said this before but I don't think we understand this. If they're first impacted it will indefinitely affect the rest of us. Some of us can't live in Hong Kong because the air is so bad. Women in China give birth to deformed kids because they drink water that's so heavily poisoned by the neighbouring industries (I did a case study of this in gr 12)- and yet they are powerless to change the CEOs and the Executives because they have little voice. And even if they were aware of the environmental damage despite having little education, they have no choice but to drink the tainted water- their only access to h20 is from that well or river. You see, even if oil workers kept their jobs and the protocol did not go through, eventually someone will have to pay whether you acknowledge it or not- and right now, those who are affected are those in the Iraq War.

I wonder- when we were kids, when asked what we wanted to be when we grew up, we often dreamed of saving the world, being firemen, astronauts, superheroes.
Why?
Because we wanted to change the world for the better. Firemen: to save lives. Astronauts: in reverence and awe, explore the wonders of what God has made. Superheroes fought the 'bad guys'.

What happened?
What happened to all those altruistic dreams of doing good? Have we really sacrificed all that we once held dear for our own selfish ambitions, narrow mindedness and lack of care and sensitivity?

Well after the documentary, which actually made my eyes prickle because I saw that there was hope and that hope was crushed for the sake of a few people's already fat bank accounts, we switched to a CIBC special 11 part series called 'Planet Earth'- footage documenting never seen before animals, wildlife and images of our planet.
Sometimes, all it takes is just a single satellite image of a river to remind you how small we are on this earth. I was looking at this picture which seemed so much like a kindergarten drawing- green for the land and brown for the river and its tributaries. And I felt so finite.
God's plans are nourishing and eternal.
Ours are shortlived and destructive.
But perhaps one day, we'll reintroduce the electric car.
It's never too late to change.

Sam wants:
- a roll of seamless white background paper
- actually- maybe two rolls- one in white and one in dove grey
- unlimited fabric/material budget because she went to the Italian fabric store today and saw some gorgeous fabrics that were $130-$230/ meter
- a waterproof camera to take some awesome underwater shots

Yeah, everything is somehow photography related. If I'm not thinking about the next shoot, I'm doodling possibilities for the shoot, looking up pictures of well lit fashion photographs or researching the cost of background paper (or rental). If it's not that, I'm planning and making clothes that I won't wear but use for photographing. I'm wondering if it's worth buying just a disposable 'underwater' camera and dunking a chiffon dress in a chlorinated pool and asking a friend to pose- or should I say 'float around'- in it for an hour. Now that would be a lot of fun.

HMMMM. So many possibilities to experiment. I'm no pro but it's fun to learn like this.

Being Chinese// To Build a Lost Cause

Picture I snapped while walking around downtown. I like these ungrounded, up in the sky pictures.

I dont know why but during the summer I get addicted to taking pictures especially fashion photography which gives me the ability to do crazy things and style the models.



You may think their way of dress is a joke. I find it fascinating. You may laugh but I know you also respect them for having the guts to do this- because obviously you wouldn't dress like this here in Toronto. Japanese fashion is just so captivating precisely because they're so over the top but standard fare there. So don't be surprised if I start deviating this way- the likelihood of that is slim but I'm gonna fob it up a bit.

It's interesting when cultures mix- especially our generation where traveling is so prevalent.
If you asked me as a young teenager, five or seven years ago, what nationality I would want to be, I would have said "caucasian/european."
Growing up in the Western Barbie culture surrounded by Polly Pockets, reading books on European looking princesses and damsels in distress, and watching Sleeping Beauty and Beauty and the Beast- there's no wonder why at the time, I really disliked being Chinese. On the aesthetic level- what can I say? I wanted a Caucasian face.
Also living in Hong Kong for five years really made me dislike a lot of things within the culture- the loud, 'ill mannered' Chinese people screaming in the market places to the pollution to the crowds and their obnoxious jabbering. I felt 'higher' than them- I spoke English, went to an international school and looked forward to my summers in Canada- clean, spacious Canada with malls where they had actual sizes rather than 'Leu Yun Gai' (Women's market). Chinese people weren't 'cool'- all their songs sounded exactly the same, all their fashion was laughable (aka random sayings on t shirts). Obviously, I must say, culture is not defined by food or shopping but these were the little nuances that struck me at the time as worth comparing. Defining 'culture' would take ages so I'm using the word loosely.

But now especially having spent time in New York sans dim sum, bubble tea, Chinese language etc, I've come back with an appreciation of my own 'heritage'. The last few years my interest in China has increasingly grown; seen in all my art/design work of late and my essays which focus a lot on China's cultural and political history to the consumeristic China of now.
I was watching 'Ramsey's Kitchen' on the Food Network with friends and the featured restaurant was having issues with a 'large' menu, they whittled it down to about sixteen dishes including appetizers and desserts. And I just thought of our 'Richmond Hill Courts' (Lam Yuen), and their 50 dish menus and ability to serve it within ten minutes, I can't help but feel some kind of 'pride'.
I know, it's a silly analogy but it's true.

Lately, I've been trying to speak more Cantonese to my parents and when I'm at P-Mall or whatever. I know I have an accent but I guess the only way to improve is to just try. I wish I took Chinese school, I wish I knew how to read and write. But I don't. Which is why I'm learning Japanese and hopefully I'll be able to transition to Mandarin and Canto further down the road. I'm trying to pick up Chinese words in conversations, examining signs and trying to pick up random simple characters. My favourite songs are also Mandarin/Canto or Japanese- perhaps because I don't understand what they're saying so the 'abstract' quality of their lyrics keeps me listening.

So as of now, after graduating, I'd like to move back to HK or China and work there. My dream is to design- design to change. The idea is to bring up environmental awareness through fashion- manufacturing clothes in China and sold within Asia (I'm thinking about taxes and shipping which would be a lot cheaper than shipping to North America which will in turn keep prices down so environmental fashion is actually affordable). And since China's enviromental problems are such a hot topic these days, I think this would be a good time to try as a designer to change consumer taste there.
Meh, it doesn't hurt to dream.
I am seriously considering just jumping in- take a gamble and just go for it- somehow.
I truly believe design, especially in China/HK is in dire need of change. Children grew up with their parents telling them to go into the medical/ law field. Art is superfluous. It's unstable.

Today over lunch with a few people from SALT prior to the Agapo game, we were discussing the professions everyone was zeroing in on. I couldn't help but muse over the extreme variety: teachers, doctor, cop, writer, nurse. And then I was speaking to someone else from church who wanted to be a rock star in HK one day. And me, I want to be a fashion designer. And then my cousin who wants to be an illustrator. Diversity is so fun.
*

Driving someone home today, I realized I've been at RHCBC for seven years. Seven years. I didn't even know how long I've been at this church until now. Wow. And I feel like I know so little people.
So, why try?
She asked me, "why are you trying so hard to befriend people you hardly ever see?"

I was a little speechless at first.
Yes, why do I try so hard with people who probably don't even care?
Is this really a lost cause with no purpose?
I don't know. But I feel like this is a starting point for me in order to mature as a person. I feel like this is my testing zone where I can just try breaking out of this mold. It's a place where people somewhat know of me, where foundations have already been laid down in which I just have to focus on building up.
For seven years, I've known of people but never tried speaking to them until now.
Seven years.
So why continue living how I was in the past, and why not try doing something different? Although I'm not in Toronto much, I might as well try and see how things go. One of my philosophies in life is "why not?". Pure and simple.

I've shared with people how I'm trying to say yes to everything- to just get out more and get out of that comfort zone. They say they admire that although personally I think they've always had what I'm trying to build up right now. But what is there to admire? It's just effort and work. It doesn't seem that special. I'm naturally a shy person, so talking to strangers/acquaintances requires a lot of effort and fast thinking on my behalf. I'm trying not to get discouraged easily but it's difficult.

This was a very poorly written post but the sun has done its damage to my head.

Fighter

No, what you see are not light rays- it's actually water. I was trying to get that silky water effect you see in a lot of professional waterfall photos, and by slowing down the shutter speed, water droplets are blurred to look smooth. My dad was hosing our Japanese maple so I could experiment. Click to enlarge and you'll see the water bouncing off the leaves.


Everyone is in love.
Everyone is leaving.
But me, but me.

Henry Cloud said that when you feel like giving up, keep trying; people often give up too early and lose out on potentially really good relationships.

But I'm no fighter.

I'm at the stage of feeling very defeated, thus I don't want to try anymore. There's a sense of urgency; where I really want to push certain friendships because for me, I see there's a deadline to my physical existence being there for only so long and I want to be able to do as much as I can to solidify them- yet I don't want to seem so aggressive to the extent that they'd withdraw from me.
I was lying in bed the other night feeling very hopeless about the progression of my friendships here. And someone whispered in my ear "you tried your best and all you can do is try your best."
I did, I have, I am, I will.
And I slept easy that night knowing that for once, I really did try my best. As an artist you're always questioning yourself, wondering if you really did try hard enough on that painting, know you could have potentially tweaked something prior to a critique. But for this case, I knew, I really did try my best. And it felt good, I felt at ease.

I've always been the one to leave.
Leaving the city, leaving friendships.
If I was ever thrown into a situation where another girl confided in me they liked some guy I also was interested in, I'd be the one to walk away.
I've trained my heart somewhat to just become numb to certain relationships to avoid being hurt.

I'm no fighter.

I'd rather just leave and avoid the pain and disappointment of 'what ifs'. Why set myself up for it?

I hate missing people- it's a sign of my attachment- which I personally see as almost a sign of weakness. I'm supposed to be strong and have the ability to let go- I always think I'm independent until it's time to say goodbye and I realize what deep impressions people have left within me. I realize how weak I really am. If I were to give an analogy to all this, I'd have to give the last scene of Return of the King- where Sam is the one who appears to be deeply saddened by Frodo's departure.

I can't believe it. I just lost all my New York relatives. Just like that. With the turn of two events, one being RISD and the other being a sickness issue within the family, the only family I had in Manhattan are gone.

Just like that, the one person I started opening up to at church in New York has left.

And just like that, the one person I connected with in my Henry Cloud experiment has gone abroad.

Just-like-that.

Today I spoke to an old friend who asked me why I wasn't dating. I said there wasn't anyone interested, that's all so there's no selection anyway. She was one to be always dating around and that if I was interested in someone to just go for it- if you want it that badly, to just go for it. I told her I admired her confidence, she said it's just the matter of how much you want it.

I don't think I can fight for a relationship because I don't think I want it badly enough. I desire one but my heart is tired of opening and closing; hoping and feeling.

Yesterday I had a great time- our Japanese class was unexpectedly cancelled and left four of us with nothing to do. We ended up going to Go For Tea and spent two hours pouring over Japanese fashion magazines, translating what we could and showing our one Italian classmate what bubble tea was. We started talking about our futures.
This comes up with a lot of university students I've talked to: after graduating, they want to travel. The Italian classmate of ours wants to go to Japan and teach English for a year there while another classmate has never gone anywhere outside of Ontario.
I've had no such desire to do any of those things.
I've been blessed with the opportunity to go to Malaysia, Singapore(x2), Japan(x3), China (x5-8), Indonesia, Kosovo, Paris, Italy: and in the US (SF, LA, IL, NY) and Canada (Qbc, BC) while moving from Chicago->Toronto->Hong Kong->Toronto->New York.

It seems like while everyone is focused on leaving home, I'm trying to find home.

While everyone is focused on leaving home, I'm trying to find home.
The profundity of that statement on a personal level basically encapsulates all that I feel especially since people my age are all trying to finish their first degrees. Sure, I have a desire to travel still- I love it. I'm going to Paris in July, Hong Kong for Christmas and perhaps Japan for a week in March/April and hopefully Hong Kong again for the Olympics. Yet I'm not as excited as other people are about traveling the world and living abroad or whatever. Sometimes I feel very bitter when people are ecstatic about leaving home and living abroad, I want that same enthusiasm, that fresh excitement about exploring, trying new things and going on an adventure for the sheer heck of it. For fun. They seem to despise home so much, and I can't help feeling bitter because I want what they have. I want home. I want to tell them how much it hurts to be uprooted all the time, to have to make new friends all the time, to learn how to become independent in a foreign city. Yes it was an adventure- I can now say I've lived in three major cities of the world.

But I don't want adventure, I want home. Is that such a difficult thing to do?

Home is where the heart is. And I guess our hearts lie in our relationships with other people. Sure- but right now it doesn't seem to be satisfied in any place. Is this what we are meant to feel until we find our place in heaven?

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. - C.S. Lewis

Although he was speaking specifically about material, tangible goods, this can be applied to what I feel now in my search for 'home'. But am I meant to feel thise loneliness until I meet Him?

I've started a new J-drama series, a heartbroken woman starts babbling about how in society, girls are told to be coy and mysterious yet in reality, the simple to understand ones get the dates. To this I say, I'm so worn, so confused, so lost- I don't even understand myself, so how can anyone else understand me? Just a few posts ago, I was happy with how things were turning out and now look at me.

God, I don't understand why you're doing this to me. I don't see how I'm being 'refined' by these overly long issues I'm dealing with. I hate talking to people about this because it's been going on since Gr 10, I hate burdening people with these conflicted thoughts of mine. I don't get it, God. I don't see how You're molding me into someone better when these issues are taking so long to resolve- will they ever be?

I'm no fighter, but I place my trust in You.

Wanting to be Her

Distillery District: There's some dirt on my lens and I can't get it out hence that smudge that broke the infinite of space. -_-


My favourite Asian model: Du Juan. I think she's absolutely stunning. These are typical photos agencies taken: plain and undecorated without any makeup or whatever to show height, body structure and face so you can imagine how much 'better' she could look with makeup, flattering lighting and some nice clothes.
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-Intro-
About 80% of girls self esteem drops after looking through a magazine. I remember this because I love reading fashion magazines and examining editorials and yet I never really wish I could be a supermodel. Sure, I think Gemma Ward and Du Juan are gorgeous women with the most beautiful complexions and are the luckiest people alive to be able to wear $100,000 clothing but in the end, I know they're all stylized and created. They're not real. I know that. Having always been a magazine junkie, looking at overly skinny models with porcelain skin- sure I wish I was that skinny or had flawless skin but then again, I know it's distorted and airbrushed thanks to Photoshop.
It's not those women who I wish I could be.
Those who I always look at wistfully are those who hit much closer to home- glossy paged girls don't do it for me; I know they're all composed.
But when I see beautiful women- inside and/or out- in person, wow, that's when I find myself wishing I was them.
-end of intro-


She asked, "are you happy?"
The past two weeks have been filled with a lot of fun-related activities: movies, dessert, bubble tea, Japanese, SALT, tennis, Bible study, Luminato, afternoon tea at Old Mill Inn, lunch, Korean bbq, walks and photoshoots- out till 12-1am. Two weeks ago, I really thought all I'd be doing would be watching J-dramas and be on msn 24/7 bored out of my mind. I haven't even had time to go shopping (I know! And that's saying something) nor to even find a suitable pattern to start on for sewing.

It's what I hoped and wanted- to saturate those summer days with people whom I only wished to know better.

And I got it.

But I think God is starting to nudge me again, reminding me that these people will never be able to replace Him. And I guess somewhere along the way, I think in my eagerness to get to know people and to fill my schedule with event after event, I've kind of lost Him along the way.

He reminded me these past three days how no one could ever replace Him.

On Friday I was sitting on the floor of the gym watching people play basketball while people were chatting- and while observing people- I wished that I was someone else but me. I wished I was her- she was so open and friendly that anyone would approach her. I wished I was her because she filled people's hearts with gladness. I wish I was her because her relationships were so deeply rooted in those at the church. I wish I was her because she seemed like she could let go of her insecurities and be able to act freely. Oddly enough, the people who I wish I could be aren't supermodels or celebrities- I think I'm quite desensitized to them all. It's the people who I am surrounded by are those who I really wish I could be.

I'm not bubbly. I wish I was but I'm not. I'm rather a pretty serious, introspective and sensitive person and it hurts me sometimes to be so like this. I wish I wasn't- but is that something I should even change? Should I be more light, loud and happy? Something happened the past week that I felt like someone wronged me and it made me question my own personality/character in how I responded to the situation- should I have acted as if nothing happened and take things lightly? Should I be less sensitive and brush things off?
I try, but it's hard and I feel like I'm pretending to act in a manner that does not reflect how I truly feel.
So I let myself soak it all in and remove myself from them to avoid hurting others and for them to hurt me even further.
And by doing this makes me serious and sensitive in nature.

On Saturday I disliked myself ('hate' would sound nicer but it's not exactly to that intensity either). I felt a little removed- but wishing I could do more to somehow 'win' people's friendship/affection.

On Sunday I didn't feel grounded- like I lost my bearings. And it's so hard to penetrate those solid cliques and groups- I don't think people do this consciously but several times I've felt like an outsider intruding on groups I shouldn't really be participating in.
My parents and I were at Kenny's on Leslie for dinner; across from me was another table of family members congregating together to have dinner. There was one girl who I kept sneaking glances at- she was one of those girls who you know, any guy would zero in on. The slightly typical Asian aesthetic- large eyes framed in charcoal and silver make up, overly tanned complexion, long and straight streaked bleach hair with half of it up, really skinny, flawless skin and petite lips and a nicely curved nose.
And I knew I could never measure up to be like her and I felt this sense of inadequacy rush through me. I could never be as beautiful as her nor could I get that much attention with the face I was given- and I'm speaking solely on physical bodily features and not clothes. It is in the realm of fashion do I take pride in because I feel I somehow could balance what I lack with something else (I do not care to get into this because it's more of a complex issue and I'd rather not people just assume I like fashion because I think it makes up for my self esteem issues).

Why is it that I'm never content with myself inside or out? Criticism and a good eye is what drives the artist- to be the most critical of your peers is to show 'humility' in your own work and a desire to be better. They say you are your own harshest critic.
Well I am- and my own words are killing me.

I'm always reminded, "compare and despair." Compare with those around you and you'll lose hope- focusing less on your own work and looking at others instead which stunts your growth and further you drop behind. It's like treading water- the more frantic you become, the more likely you'd submerge.
I know I can never be like her or her or her or her. But I never was created to be 'like' someone. I was created to be myself. But right now, 'myself' is not good enough. People have told me "I'm so 'jealous' of your sense of style" or "I'd like to go through your closet" or "you make me feel really bad because you're always dressed so nice"- but you know what, I'd exchange it for things that they have that are beyond the tangible. Deep relationships to a sense of openness, I'd give away my stupid closet for that. See, I never want to be that girl in the magazine- I'm sure it's nice but I dont even know her. But I do know the people around me and observing them makes me wish I was someone else.

You reap what you sow.
At least that's what they tell you anyways. But I have to admit after two weeks of 'plowing'(going out) every day till 12am is making me tired. I feel a little drained and I'm watching the earth, hoping to see some fruit soon- preferably in the near near future. And I'm getting a little impatient I know- I am probably expecting too much from people and myself and making 'deadlines' and 'restrictions' for certain relationships which I should just let go, breathe and let them run their course.
I'm not complaining but I'm looking forward to a few hours of being able to be by myself and do whatever I want and go wherever I want. And to do some serious J-drama watching.
But I'd give up all the introvert stuff to spend time with people because I can spend as much time with myself when I'm in NY, I'd rather invest that time into friendships. I realize this summer is short. And time is running out fast. Who knows what next summer will bring- I want this to be fulfilling.

Yet I'm left sitting here still a little uncontent despite the many blessings God has showered on me the past month- not to even mention just the past two weeks- still wanting to be someone else.

New photoshoot in a really cool warehouse- I'm trying to deviate away from the typical nature shots. I love the vastness of this shot.

I don't know but this past week I feel like I've been talked down a lot. People who are surprised that I don't know this or can't remember that- it's starting to kind of annoy me.
Initially I just took it in- I just accepted the fact that I was ignorant about this or that and that I at least had the courage and humility to accept and ask.
But now it's getting just plain annoying.
Perhaps this is how guys talk and since I'm hanging around a bunch more often now I've become more aware of this- they talk differently than girls so perhaps I'm misunderstanding a slew of them.
Then again, some of them just lack tact and sensitivity.

This is what discourages me from learning- because of the people around me who seem so taken aback by my inability to soak things in quickly or whatever hurdles I have to overcome to get to something. If I could, I wouldn't ask and just keep to myself but I can't so I ask. And sometimes just seeing the look on their face makes me want to die.

You know what, if someone asked me advice on art or asked me whether or not an outfit was good or whatever, I would never speak to them like how people have done to me this past week. Sorry, I'm just really pissed right now because I would not treat people like that.
People's pride and ego really are getting in the way of things.
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I like her eyes in this picture.

I'm such an idiot: I decided to play tennis the day before I went to do a photoshoot in some dilapidated warehouse off the Don Valley... and now I'm in a lot of pain. I feel all the muscles which I'm usually not aware of: in my chest, my ribs, my shins and forearms were all aching today; I couldn't laugh or cough. So today, we drove to the Toronto Brick Works- an abandoned warehouse which initially was used to make bricks for many historical buildings in Toronto such as Casa Loma... and to get there required going up a grassy hill and down into this hole in the wire fence (yes we 'broke in' although technically it was broken in already) and then along the crest of a dirt hill and then down this steep slope... with the suitcase of clothes I brought, my camera bag with lenses and purse. Not fun with my achy muscles.

Yeah, the warehouse was pretty.... dirty.
Everything was rusted, caked with mud, dirt or dust so it was hard to get some good shots without touching anything. It was kind of creepy since it was so big and dark with some bright spots where pieces of the ceiling was missing, and you could hear other people walking around but couldn't see where they were exactly.

Basically we were there for a solid three hours of me photographing my friend (a mixture of fashion and dance shots for her- the latter for her to send to contemporary dance companies) and I only had a slice of banana bread for breakfast... not in the greatest shape I'd say.
So now all my clothes are full of clay dust and my comp is sighing with another 450 pictures on its harddrive.

I'm addicted to photoshoots.

A stream I was passing by which looked so 'creamy' and smooth, I just had to take a picture of the running water.

Christian thinkers.
Christians who think.
Christians who actually apply head knowledge to their life.
Christians who think and do nothing.
Christians who hide behind knowledge in fear of actually having to do anything.

All I know is that if it doesn't affect me at the time, I won't go out of my way to learn theories and whatnot. Personally I don't really care if people don't think I think deep enough- honestly, I've stopped reading all books. Fiction books because everything is getting really uncreative and as for Christian books, well, I'm too busy experiencing life.

Is there a hierarchy to Christian intellect? People who love philosophy are placed above all those who think more practically?

Of course I learn from reading Christian books.. then again even those are disputed about their accuracy. It just tires me.

But for the books I do read, I make a conscious effort to do what it suggests which I think is more powerful than reading a bunch of books and doing nothing. You may be sitting on a stack of them, happily telling yourself how much you've learned in the head, but do you have anything to show for it at the end of the day?

I can tell you how Captivating has changed my life.
I can tell you how Henry Cloud's 'How to Get a Date Worth Keeping' has transformed my life.
I can tell you how the Bible has given me new life and a new outlook.

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I think it's a little necessary to explain the way I write... because I can sound like some offbeat Christian at times- swinging from one viewpoint to another.
My gr 12 English teacher, who I give a lot of respect to because she really challenged me and ignited in me this 'passion' to communicate with words, once advised us in essays that were based little on facts and more on personal viewpoints and ideologies, that you should make a strong one-sided argument (yes the key word for that entire semester was 'thesis') to avoid being wishy washy and create a tight-knit essay.

So this is how I write- I will drive a point home till there's nothing else to flesh out no matter how twisted you think my ideas are. Perhaps at the end I'll rebutt it but I will tell you how disatisfied I am with the church and the environment, I will tell you how I really feel about certain traditional spiritual standards or how I'm annoyed with particular social settings because I think they make up for stronger bodies of writing. I remember I once talked about how the Bible does little to satisfy my dislike of my own appearance- well I just had to say everything though to challenge what I believe in and what I really do think at times- to do justice to these wispy thoughts that were just floating around in my head. I just had to set them down in stone. And then I move on.

Yeah so if I come on strong, now you know why.

Schedule-less Summer// Fashion as Means to Men vs. Creativity

The worst is over now and we can breathe again. -Broken, Amy Lee & Seether

I took this picture last week on my lone walk in Mill Pond. More to come from this 'series'.

When I was listening to this song, I was in the middle of it all and now I really think I've just been able to let go.

So last week I was questionning what the heck I was supposed to do with the rest of my summer. So God answered with:
-Hanging around York U and watching HP4 with Andrew
-Robyn and Joseph @ Markville Mall in our attempts to find Converse shoes for our 11 year old cousin, dinner at Firefly and bubble tea
-Japanese
-Meeting up with just Robyn at Go For Tea :)
-Meeting with another cousin to catch up with our lives
-Unionville Downtown with Vanessa and hanging out and having dinner at her place with a couple others
-Bible study in the chosen group of 8 (minus 2 :P)
-Bubble tea with Vanessa and Julia (I wouldn't be surprised if the people at Go For Tea knew my face... I've been there four times in two weeks)
-Dim sum with grandparents and Robyn, Pirates of the Caribbean3 and Congee Wong
-More Japanese.

It's been all somewhat of a blur- I've been just nodding my head to everything. Right now God is opening and closing many doors relational wise- it kind of makes me wish I had put more effort earlier on because now people are coming and leaving but what can you do but stick your foot in the door and hope it opens up again later on in life?
You know what, in a way, I'm scared. Scared I'll lose and scared of being open. In our Bible study the question of how fear hinders us from loving surfaced. I never said it, but for me, it's being vulnerable to people because when I'm vulnerable, I become attached and being attached tires me out because I know there will be a time where I have to 'cut' myself free.
Love is like velcro.
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Someone said out of the blue the other day, "Sam, your boyfriend- when you get one- will be amazing... because you're such an amazing person and he will be so lucky to get you. Since we were friends, I've always looked up to you." I was taken aback because I wasn't really anticipating such a statement/compliment. Thanks. Although I don't know if that's going to be fulfilled but thanks. :)

I knew it was coming. At dimsum today. I knew my grandmother, after hearing the good news of my dear cousin, that she would turn to me and say in Cantonese, "Samantha, when are you going to find a date? Fai dee la."
I retorted by saying "au deem fai dee che?" Beyond that, I knew my grandmother meant it kindly and I didn't take it as some insult yet the devil on my shoulder is nagging at me and asking me why the heck I don't have that 'someone' and makes me want to blame myself for whatever reason be it looks or personality or character that I'm not perceived as 'attractive' by guys in that sense.
It's not like I can make relationships go faster- I just let them take their course. Especially now that I know my time is limited, I'm scrambling to just get out there and catch up with people from the past and get to know people of the present. So I've taken a 'screw it' mentality- either you can perceive me as attractive/mediocre/ugly, but there's not much I can do about it but continue on doing whatever. And right now, I can say that I'm a little too busy with friendships in general to really sit down and mull things over. Let's just say I've bit more than I can chew so I'm trying to digest it as fast as I can to get more out of it.
Ok, my mom just came in to lecture me about how I have no real plans for this summer and that I'm just going along with whatever comes my way. Honestly, I don't want plans. What's so great about plans? Yeah sure, they can keep you in line with your goals but my goals this summer is just to spend time with people. Yet to her it seems like an effortless thing: she thinks that I should find a pattern and reschedule sewing lessons since I bought so much expensive fabric (and I will but I havent found a particular pattern worthy of $120 fabric yet!) and how I should take my Japanese more seriously- but that's all that's been buzzing in my head lately. You know what, even when I get out of the shower, I write the Hirigana alphabet on the steamed up mirror and when I go to the grocery store, I stand around the snack aisle and pick up a box of Pocky or wasabi beans and try to decipher the characters on the packaging. And at night I'm watching Japanese dramas and pausing it whenever they pop up the phrases in Hirigana and try to translate it all. It's pissing me off that people think I'm not trying when I am. Sorry I'm no linguistic genius, I never claimed to be one, and yes my memory runs long term and not short term so it takes me longer to absorb things. Deal with it.
I want to live day by day because life is unpredictable. I don't want to set schedules for my summers- there's plenty of time for that during the school year. If schedules is a way of 'controlling' time- well then- I don't want that. Sorry to be so cliche, but if I died at the end of this summer, I would not be laying in a hospital bed thinking why I didn't study Japanese harder or why I didn't finish that garment I was sewing, but of all the relationships I've been building.
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This following is a rambling on fashion and my self so you don't have to read it... it sounds narcisstic but I just needed to say it somewhere:

"Why are you wearing suspenders?"
"That's... interesting."
"I don't get it."
"A tutu..."
These are the random comments I get from people. You know what- I think people often are mislead to think that us fashion students are snobs when in reality, it's their ignorance that makes us look stuck up. The last one I heard by two men outside of a gym in New York while I was running back to the restaurant where I was having dinner with my roommate. In fact it wasn't a tutu which is usually made of stiff tulle and stands horizontally from the wearer, but a petticoat- an underlayer worn by women in the past to create volume but now regarded as outerwear; it's just those things that make me scoff at people because they are the ones who make judgments knowing little about culture and history.

Two days ago I was at Spellbound, that really crazy looking hair salon in FMP because my Chinese friend, who looks Filipino, was inquiring about a receptionish job. At the end of it all the guy/manager with his crazy blonde hair all over the place who was trying to test her Canto skills by asking her a series of work related questions, remarked that my friend didn't look Canto. And pointed at our other friend who is white/filipino asking her if she was canto and she said no. He pointed at me and I asked me to which I said I was chinese. I asked why he didn't think I was chinese. He gave me this quizzical look and said I just didn't look Chinese while pointing at my outfit and concluded that I was too 'fashionable' to look Chinese.
The funny thing is is that the clothes at FMP and P Mall appeal more to me than the typical Caucasian malls since the former tends to be funkier although sadly I'm mutant Chinese who cannot fit into the boyish sizes they offer.

Haha I'm not sure how to say this but you know how some girls use their body to attract guys? The thought has come across my mind- I can't really think like a guy but I imagine as long as you show a little leg, arms, cleavage or whatnot, it would pretty much get their attention (and I reiterate- I'm not a guy so I don't really understand the allure of the female figure to their extent). Yet this is where I come into 'conflict': what I think is lovely, beautiful, stylish and appealing is probably the total opposite of what most people perceive to be attractive. To dress to appeal to the male audience would be like wearing a denim mini skirt and a tank top which all I can say is bleh.
My creative outlet really comes from clothing the body. And because what I see on the market, in mass produced stores and what people wear around the city, I can only deviate away from the norm and try to do something different hence why I'm often found at P Mall, Zellers (yes you heard me) and Value Village- places you either don't perceive as being trendy or cool. Because people see little possibility, I try to find possibilities in what they perceive as impossible.
If I ever went out with an AE tank top with a pair of sweats, I don't know.. I wouldn't feel myself. I'm not saying I'd close off that combination entirely but right now it doesn't feel very 'Sam'. At the surprise party, I wasn't planning on seeing people I knew so I decided that day to experiment and have fun with the most random things ever: a belted t shirt dress with leggings with a long grey hoodie with cap sleeves. Since it was cold that day, I slid legwarmers on my arms with one hand in a striped fingerless mitten. To say the least, I was a little embarrassed when I walked in to so many people in my house looking like that.

I guess all I can say is that my style tends to be more theatrical with historical references- and I know a lot of people don't really understand it and find it a little odd whereas in my perception, see it as something really normal. I feel like I'm so far under, I don't even realize how odd it must seem to people. People have asked me why I wear a belt around the waist- to me it's the most normal thing ever but I've kind of realized that most people wear it at the hips. I guess it harkens back to the 18th century and the 50's style in which everything was nipped at the waist to emphasize the hourglass silhouette. Iono, it's something I've always been attracted to and I know it works because the eye immediately is drawn to the center to which the belt would be a focal point. If you've studied it like I have via magazines and history, you'd understand that what you see goes back into the past.

In the end, I don't think I could ever please the male audience because it requires me to forsake that creative outlet I most enjoy fleshing out for my own pure pleasure. It's also a reason why I kind of don't want to marry/date because I already feel a little sorry for whoever he is to have to deal/cope with me. But hey, I am just hoping one day someone would find it attractive.
So sometimes I can't help but get smug when I see people 'copy' me- when they were the ones who initially scorned the idea a year ago... and because it became 'in', they decide to give it a try. Like a suspender dress or the trapeze silhouette or the dress shirt which I gave a shot at last year and came in this year. So what people see as being a 'New Yorker, fashion snob', I only perceive those people being too closed minded to different styles and views yet follow once it becomes trendy. So I scoff. Honestly, be creative and do your own thing. Why worry if people think the colour is too strong or if the dress makes you look like a doll? It's clothes, have fun.

I don't need compliments- but if you have one, it's nice. But I don't need ones out of obligation. I'd rather you stay silent.

Re:lationships Re:visited

Pure randomness- on my flight back to Toronto two weeks ago.

Sorry this is going to be a very broken up post because I just thousands of small thoughts but nothing I can really put together as of yet.
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There comes a point in every relationship that we all have to decide whether or not to move forward or to stay back at a distance.

Why is it that we feel pain more than pleasure? Why is it that the man laments the loss of a lover by grieving past memories of highest pleasure yet the feeling of pain is still above that of pleasure?

I feel like an emotional wreck right now- I want to say everything and in my fear, say nothing at all. I don't think I've been so happy and so sad at the same time this whole year until now. I don't think I've cried and laughed so much either. At times like these, I recall how resistant the heart is- resistance in terms of its ability to love, lose and get right back up; its willingness to do it all over again despite the hurt and loss.

I was on MSN yesterday- and I just couldn't take it anymore. Being online, spending time building up relationships on MSN was driving me insane. Right now, I could just sit like a statue with someone and not say anything. I'm so tired of feeling that burden of having to say something, I can do with just staying silent- that is unless they feel awkward do I feel a little obligated to say something to make them less uncomfortable.

I think I can say with utmost confidence, that in May 2007, I have experienced some of the happiest moments of my life thus far.
And I don't know where to go from here. The past few weeks, I had a goal and since it has passed, I'm not sure what to do with myself. Leafing through old photo archives- exactly a year minus one day, I was helping Robyn get ready for prom with my other cousin, Grace. And I feel like I've come full circle once again uncertain of anything- this weather is making me want to curl up and go back to sleep.

There's this song I listen to, which makes me close my eyes and just wish I could return to that day where we just decided to blow homework off and spend time at the sakura festival. That's one day I wish I could go back to.

The other day, someone asked me whether or not I had friends beyond those at church which was quite surprising since no one really has ever mentioned that to me before, being that the case before was that I had a lot of school friends and little at church.

So what now God? I know there's a reason why I feel so much pain and pleasure these days- I know though I don't quite see the bigger picture as of yet, I know that there's a purpose for everything. What is it exactly You want me to learn in order to become a godly woman?