Wanting to be Her

Distillery District: There's some dirt on my lens and I can't get it out hence that smudge that broke the infinite of space. -_-


My favourite Asian model: Du Juan. I think she's absolutely stunning. These are typical photos agencies taken: plain and undecorated without any makeup or whatever to show height, body structure and face so you can imagine how much 'better' she could look with makeup, flattering lighting and some nice clothes.
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-Intro-
About 80% of girls self esteem drops after looking through a magazine. I remember this because I love reading fashion magazines and examining editorials and yet I never really wish I could be a supermodel. Sure, I think Gemma Ward and Du Juan are gorgeous women with the most beautiful complexions and are the luckiest people alive to be able to wear $100,000 clothing but in the end, I know they're all stylized and created. They're not real. I know that. Having always been a magazine junkie, looking at overly skinny models with porcelain skin- sure I wish I was that skinny or had flawless skin but then again, I know it's distorted and airbrushed thanks to Photoshop.
It's not those women who I wish I could be.
Those who I always look at wistfully are those who hit much closer to home- glossy paged girls don't do it for me; I know they're all composed.
But when I see beautiful women- inside and/or out- in person, wow, that's when I find myself wishing I was them.
-end of intro-


She asked, "are you happy?"
The past two weeks have been filled with a lot of fun-related activities: movies, dessert, bubble tea, Japanese, SALT, tennis, Bible study, Luminato, afternoon tea at Old Mill Inn, lunch, Korean bbq, walks and photoshoots- out till 12-1am. Two weeks ago, I really thought all I'd be doing would be watching J-dramas and be on msn 24/7 bored out of my mind. I haven't even had time to go shopping (I know! And that's saying something) nor to even find a suitable pattern to start on for sewing.

It's what I hoped and wanted- to saturate those summer days with people whom I only wished to know better.

And I got it.

But I think God is starting to nudge me again, reminding me that these people will never be able to replace Him. And I guess somewhere along the way, I think in my eagerness to get to know people and to fill my schedule with event after event, I've kind of lost Him along the way.

He reminded me these past three days how no one could ever replace Him.

On Friday I was sitting on the floor of the gym watching people play basketball while people were chatting- and while observing people- I wished that I was someone else but me. I wished I was her- she was so open and friendly that anyone would approach her. I wished I was her because she filled people's hearts with gladness. I wish I was her because her relationships were so deeply rooted in those at the church. I wish I was her because she seemed like she could let go of her insecurities and be able to act freely. Oddly enough, the people who I wish I could be aren't supermodels or celebrities- I think I'm quite desensitized to them all. It's the people who I am surrounded by are those who I really wish I could be.

I'm not bubbly. I wish I was but I'm not. I'm rather a pretty serious, introspective and sensitive person and it hurts me sometimes to be so like this. I wish I wasn't- but is that something I should even change? Should I be more light, loud and happy? Something happened the past week that I felt like someone wronged me and it made me question my own personality/character in how I responded to the situation- should I have acted as if nothing happened and take things lightly? Should I be less sensitive and brush things off?
I try, but it's hard and I feel like I'm pretending to act in a manner that does not reflect how I truly feel.
So I let myself soak it all in and remove myself from them to avoid hurting others and for them to hurt me even further.
And by doing this makes me serious and sensitive in nature.

On Saturday I disliked myself ('hate' would sound nicer but it's not exactly to that intensity either). I felt a little removed- but wishing I could do more to somehow 'win' people's friendship/affection.

On Sunday I didn't feel grounded- like I lost my bearings. And it's so hard to penetrate those solid cliques and groups- I don't think people do this consciously but several times I've felt like an outsider intruding on groups I shouldn't really be participating in.
My parents and I were at Kenny's on Leslie for dinner; across from me was another table of family members congregating together to have dinner. There was one girl who I kept sneaking glances at- she was one of those girls who you know, any guy would zero in on. The slightly typical Asian aesthetic- large eyes framed in charcoal and silver make up, overly tanned complexion, long and straight streaked bleach hair with half of it up, really skinny, flawless skin and petite lips and a nicely curved nose.
And I knew I could never measure up to be like her and I felt this sense of inadequacy rush through me. I could never be as beautiful as her nor could I get that much attention with the face I was given- and I'm speaking solely on physical bodily features and not clothes. It is in the realm of fashion do I take pride in because I feel I somehow could balance what I lack with something else (I do not care to get into this because it's more of a complex issue and I'd rather not people just assume I like fashion because I think it makes up for my self esteem issues).

Why is it that I'm never content with myself inside or out? Criticism and a good eye is what drives the artist- to be the most critical of your peers is to show 'humility' in your own work and a desire to be better. They say you are your own harshest critic.
Well I am- and my own words are killing me.

I'm always reminded, "compare and despair." Compare with those around you and you'll lose hope- focusing less on your own work and looking at others instead which stunts your growth and further you drop behind. It's like treading water- the more frantic you become, the more likely you'd submerge.
I know I can never be like her or her or her or her. But I never was created to be 'like' someone. I was created to be myself. But right now, 'myself' is not good enough. People have told me "I'm so 'jealous' of your sense of style" or "I'd like to go through your closet" or "you make me feel really bad because you're always dressed so nice"- but you know what, I'd exchange it for things that they have that are beyond the tangible. Deep relationships to a sense of openness, I'd give away my stupid closet for that. See, I never want to be that girl in the magazine- I'm sure it's nice but I dont even know her. But I do know the people around me and observing them makes me wish I was someone else.

You reap what you sow.
At least that's what they tell you anyways. But I have to admit after two weeks of 'plowing'(going out) every day till 12am is making me tired. I feel a little drained and I'm watching the earth, hoping to see some fruit soon- preferably in the near near future. And I'm getting a little impatient I know- I am probably expecting too much from people and myself and making 'deadlines' and 'restrictions' for certain relationships which I should just let go, breathe and let them run their course.
I'm not complaining but I'm looking forward to a few hours of being able to be by myself and do whatever I want and go wherever I want. And to do some serious J-drama watching.
But I'd give up all the introvert stuff to spend time with people because I can spend as much time with myself when I'm in NY, I'd rather invest that time into friendships. I realize this summer is short. And time is running out fast. Who knows what next summer will bring- I want this to be fulfilling.

Yet I'm left sitting here still a little uncontent despite the many blessings God has showered on me the past month- not to even mention just the past two weeks- still wanting to be someone else.