Concerning Spectatorship

Some funny 'vending machine' take out restaurant in St. Marks of NY (equivalent of 'Little Tokyo). You place your dollar or whatever, and you open up the slot which reveals a shelf with a mini burger or fries or peanut butter jelly sandwich.

The man who has stolen in order never to thieve again remains a thief. Nobody who has ever betrayed his principles can have a pure relationship with life. Therefore when a film-maker says he will produce a pot-boiler in order to give himself the strength and the means to make the film of his dreams- that is so much deception, or worse, self-deception. He will never now make his film. -Tarkovsky

I just like that quote- it's extremely true for me as a student who wants to design beyond just satisfying consumer desires. I'm always tempted to just do the typical.

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I must have at least 3000 photos I've taken the past two years. At least. I should back them all up just in case my laptop decides it can no longer shoulder the burden of all those images. Photography has always been something I've loved to do- and yet as someone commented a year ago, it's an extremely isolating activity. Yes, you try to form relationships and some aesthetic connection with the subject, yet your presence comes in the form of perspective rather than being physically in the picture. I kind of felt that when arranging all the pictures into an album which became even more noticeable when I saw Jerry's profile picture- a picture that I took of the group in which I was the photographer- it didn't seem like I existed- and then again, who would care if the photographer was in the pictures so long as the pictures themselves were good? Am I still only that spectator and still never the player? Do I still live life as if it were only meant to be viewed?

I somehow realized this back in gr 6 during the last few days of school in HK. I had pictures of all my friends, but I had very few of me in them. Ever since then, I tried to stick myself in every photo- and yet in doing that, having to ask someone to take the photograph makes me feel very guilty; guilty perhaps because I know how disconnected a person could feel when they are only the one who takes the picture thus I try to take the photographs to somehow numb that stupid feeling.

So when I look at pictures I've taken of my friends and think "they look gorgeous," I wonder if these hands and eyes could 'create' such images, could I do the same for myself and find that beauty I see in others in myself? The answer to that is, no. You can only be the subject of the camera or the photographer herself.

Sometimes the very things we want in life are the things that we give.
No, I'm not saying I want someone to take my picture- for example, in the past, I've always been the one who organizes parties and actually hosts them at my house. I love doing it- I love serving my friends and being able to see them enjoy themselves in the company of others makes me happy. Yet I don't think I realized how lovely it was when others planned events for you- something I was very grateful for when Angie and Alex threw me the surprise party and when my friends in NY picked and took me boating/eating/picnicking. It's nice to just have others serve you at times.
My roommate once told me all she wanted for her wedding was to get her make up done professionally and not having to lift a finger- she said it sounded vain, yet the past few years of high school dances, proms and formals have consisted of her doing all her friends' make up and saying goodbye as they drove off in a limo.
I think at times we assume the giver already has so much of what he or she gives, we fail to see that very same well in which the person puts so much energy and effort into serving others, has actually dried up.
Don't get me wrong, I like photographing people. I love just watching my friends get excited about getting their picture taken and babbling about what to wear (and of course pointing the finger at me as if I was some fashion guru) and for me, nothing excites me more than finding that perfect image framed in the lens.
Am I talented in photography? No. I took 431 images and only a handful were good- I find it funny when people say that to me- I'm sure if they each picked up the same fine SLR camera, they would be perfectly capable of taking a stunning picture especially with 431 chances. Personally it's all about the camera- the camera makes up for what I lack in skills and I use what art compositional skills I learnt in arts york to create a photograph. They're not deep- they're just pretty.
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I went to Value Village today and had the time of my life there. It's just one of those activities I do alone (since so far everyone complains of the vintage smell or the length of time it takes to rifle through things). I'm extremely ecclectic in taste from music to movies to fashion and having the ability to look through clothes ranging from the 20's style to retro is so much fun especially since I've studied it. I dislike buying mass produced fashion because it gives little way for expression. I love examining construction, feeling fabrics and buying random art stuff and books and clothing/sewing patterns. The reason why I love the place so much is that it sparks my imagination- I like looking at things and being able to see how I can add my own personality to it- my 'fifteen minutes of fame' feature in Elle magazine (in which they compared my outfit with some Yves Saint Laurent one) a few months ago was some $12 outfit I literally threw together at my last trip to the thrift store. I like being able to manipulate the ugly into the beautiful. It's more fun and challenging than taking what everyone finds trendy which I guess is why I deviate to almost costume at times. I don't like looking like everyone else (although at Parsons, everyone tries to hard to look different, we all end up looking the same :P)- and I hate it when people pigeon hole me into some category- I think that applies for anything including fashion in which I like to deviate from prim and proper to mod/retro etc; in music I have the typical teenage/trend stuff like Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado to Linkin Park to my beloved movie soundtracks to more recently, random asian music to classical pieces by Liszt or Beethoven. After listening to an instrumental piano piece on my music list, someone was astonished to suddenly hear Jojo's 'Too Little Too Late' blaring.
"You listen to Jojo????"
Why not? It was a pretty catchy song. I liked it (85 times on Itunes).

Okay I'm really tired and there's no point to this post- I just like to blabber about things I don't like to talk about because they seem so silly.