Meanderings: Reflecting on the Past Year
Some of the most beautiful paintings have a central area of darkness with a very bright sliver of light next to it. The eye is drawn to the extreme contrast where black and white to touch but not blend with one another.
As the spring semester, my sophomore year, comes to a close I'll be exactly halfway to reaching my desired BFA degree.
More than that as I look back this entire year of school at Parsons, I've seen how much God has challenged me especially the second semester in questioning the status of my friendships and my fear of getting to know people. I don't like getting to know people because I'm scared I'll get attached and becoming attached becomes painful upon separation yet ironically being relational by nature, has forced me to take a 'what the heck' approach and going for it even if pain is a certainty- I just hope it will mold me into someone better.
The past Sunday was the lowest point of my year- before I didn't really care if summer came or not but that day I wished I was done. I was at a friend's apartment in Brooklyn, sitting on the floor in her unfurnished apartment struggling with her sewing machine to put together a dress which took me from 4pm-12am- a dress I have so far put 25 hours into making this garment from draping it on the form to cutting the muslin to make a prototype to transferring it onto pattern paper to laying out the paper patterns on the real fabric to be cut out. I was so tired, frustrated and worn out due to exhaustion and lack of food since that morning. Yet my friend was there to help me sew and give advice when she saw how my lines started to waver. We also had some laughs- she's extremely like me in the oddest ways. We're both huge thrift junkies and buy things that don't fit us because we think we could sell it on ebay one day. I guess you could say that day was like one of those paintings- in that darkness there was also that white light- that blessing which came in the form of a friend.
God has also pushed me in ways other than school: stretching me beyond my comfort zone in making friends and taking more initiative rather than waiting on people. Although I can't say the church thing has been fully resolved as of yet, I know it takes time and patience for these things to come. Time has become extremely precious as I have been counting down the days till when I leave to return to Toronto and when people leave elsewhere- and I realized how much I wish I could will time to stand still for a while so I can get to know people better. Wouldn't it be great to have the 'control z' button in life? Whenever I make a mistake in sewing or if I said something stupid or anything of that sort, I immediately think of having the ability to go back a step in time, would be so wonderful. I just wish I could 'control z' back a little further so that I could have started some friendships earlier. One story that particularly sticks out to me is that of the old man with an ugly, torn heart who loved with everything he had and the prideful young man with a perfect heart- untouched and beautiful but unloved. It always reminds me of giving all that I have into relationships even if pain, sadness and loss are inevitable.
I will miss New York. New York is a transition city- no one lives here to really give to the city but to get something out of it- money, fame, excitement, 'glamour', education. What my friend wrote about global citizens is so true- we never think of what we can offer to a city but what we can take from it.
A few days ago my roommate and I were talking about how Manhattan is slowly growing on us and having to leave for the summer is like being torn apart from something we've just settled into. And when summer closes and it's time to leave home be it Toronto or LA, by then we'd be attached to the place where our families are that we wouldn't want to return to New York.
If you haven't moved around, it's a painful process I can tell you that. I belong to everywhere yet nowhere at all. You have the desire to settle but having lived in so many places where do you settle down? Upon questioning where we came from when we were in Rhode Island, my cousin was adamant to tell people she's from Canada though she technically lives in New York. I, on the other hand, have no idea what to tell people. I was born in the States but never lived there enough to remember anything and in my lifetime have lived in Toronto, Hong Kong and New York in a matter of twenty years. Which do I call home?
So God, what next?
As the spring semester, my sophomore year, comes to a close I'll be exactly halfway to reaching my desired BFA degree.
More than that as I look back this entire year of school at Parsons, I've seen how much God has challenged me especially the second semester in questioning the status of my friendships and my fear of getting to know people. I don't like getting to know people because I'm scared I'll get attached and becoming attached becomes painful upon separation yet ironically being relational by nature, has forced me to take a 'what the heck' approach and going for it even if pain is a certainty- I just hope it will mold me into someone better.
The past Sunday was the lowest point of my year- before I didn't really care if summer came or not but that day I wished I was done. I was at a friend's apartment in Brooklyn, sitting on the floor in her unfurnished apartment struggling with her sewing machine to put together a dress which took me from 4pm-12am- a dress I have so far put 25 hours into making this garment from draping it on the form to cutting the muslin to make a prototype to transferring it onto pattern paper to laying out the paper patterns on the real fabric to be cut out. I was so tired, frustrated and worn out due to exhaustion and lack of food since that morning. Yet my friend was there to help me sew and give advice when she saw how my lines started to waver. We also had some laughs- she's extremely like me in the oddest ways. We're both huge thrift junkies and buy things that don't fit us because we think we could sell it on ebay one day. I guess you could say that day was like one of those paintings- in that darkness there was also that white light- that blessing which came in the form of a friend.
God has also pushed me in ways other than school: stretching me beyond my comfort zone in making friends and taking more initiative rather than waiting on people. Although I can't say the church thing has been fully resolved as of yet, I know it takes time and patience for these things to come. Time has become extremely precious as I have been counting down the days till when I leave to return to Toronto and when people leave elsewhere- and I realized how much I wish I could will time to stand still for a while so I can get to know people better. Wouldn't it be great to have the 'control z' button in life? Whenever I make a mistake in sewing or if I said something stupid or anything of that sort, I immediately think of having the ability to go back a step in time, would be so wonderful. I just wish I could 'control z' back a little further so that I could have started some friendships earlier. One story that particularly sticks out to me is that of the old man with an ugly, torn heart who loved with everything he had and the prideful young man with a perfect heart- untouched and beautiful but unloved. It always reminds me of giving all that I have into relationships even if pain, sadness and loss are inevitable.
I will miss New York. New York is a transition city- no one lives here to really give to the city but to get something out of it- money, fame, excitement, 'glamour', education. What my friend wrote about global citizens is so true- we never think of what we can offer to a city but what we can take from it.
A few days ago my roommate and I were talking about how Manhattan is slowly growing on us and having to leave for the summer is like being torn apart from something we've just settled into. And when summer closes and it's time to leave home be it Toronto or LA, by then we'd be attached to the place where our families are that we wouldn't want to return to New York.
If you haven't moved around, it's a painful process I can tell you that. I belong to everywhere yet nowhere at all. You have the desire to settle but having lived in so many places where do you settle down? Upon questioning where we came from when we were in Rhode Island, my cousin was adamant to tell people she's from Canada though she technically lives in New York. I, on the other hand, have no idea what to tell people. I was born in the States but never lived there enough to remember anything and in my lifetime have lived in Toronto, Hong Kong and New York in a matter of twenty years. Which do I call home?
So God, what next?
1 Comments:
fanks for sharing
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