Another Gladiator Promotion// Funny Stuff// Constructing Self Realities: The Fictional Self of Physical Beauty

Dum dum dum... listening to Gladiator soundtrack by Hans Zimmer again. It's just pure genius the score itself. I watched it a few years later it came out in cinemas since people told me it was a 'guy movie' but it really is not. I fell in love with it when I first watched the introductory battle scene and everything was so perfectly timed. aerarjken. The costumes and sets were great- I want a helmet with a face as a shield and walk around in huge marble palaces. haha. Favourites scenes have to be the first battle scene no doubt and the scene of their first group match against the 'legionaires of Scipio Africana'. Talk about chills- I get chills from watching this movie. I'd to purchase the two disc set to watch special features since my parents have the single disc held hostage back at home. This film would definitely be in my top five films to watch along with:

Requiem for a Dream
Good Will Hunting
LOTR trilogy
Moulin Rouge

Haha the last one doesn't seem to fit into the same genre as the others. These are movies that I don't watch constantly because they're so rich, you can just have it once in a while and be satisfied.
I think it's time to watch this one again when I return.
Okay I think I've raved enough about this movie to last a lifetime.

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Oh this is hilarious:
http://www.xanga.com/mileschen/565847696/from-friends-to-more-than-just-friends.html
I enjoyed the small jab at Joshua Harris and his diagram at the bottom.

On Facebook there's a group called "If It's Less Than Three Floors, Walk It, Bitch" Probably nobody understands this unless you're a Parsons student. You see, we have about five elevators that go up to the 12th floor and when everyone is going and entering the building with their huge projects... as you can see, it's really hellish- you end up becoming comfortable with rubbing bodies with other fellow students because after 15 minutes of lateness, you're absent. And three absences is an automatic failure of the course. So what's a little body contact when your grade is at stake?
Or as the group calls it, "Sardines in Estrogen". LOL.
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Constructing Self Realities: The Fictional Self of Physical Beauty

Disclaimer: When I started this portion of the entry, I wasn't expecting anything really long but after writing this I've realized that many girls do not talk about physical appearance and their issues with self acceptance. Is it true then, that all girls are satisfid with how they look? At least Christian ones right? No. Perhaps this is because they're afraid of getting churchy answers or they're just fulfilled in God's love. Yet I've decided to lay it all down here- things that I would never have spoke about before because I don't like talking about my physical flaws but find it necessary in order to put some value into it. Yes I've tried talking about it but I just don't see anyone who is fit to really weigh my words for what they are and not what they should be.

As I said in constructing self realities, this is particularly true on the internet. I was talking to someone over MSN on the sadness of developing relationships through this medium and he said that it allows us to control what people see in us.
I think this is particularly true in my case- I'm somewhat guarded about how much 'stuff' people see in me. Perhaps everyone thinks I'm a little too open about things but in truth, I'm just afraid of people seeing too much of the fluff- the outer shell so I balance this by writing here. Ironically- okay I can't explain all the contradictions without putting them in disparate bullet points:

1) I care about physical appearances
2) I don't want people to know me for my physical appearance
3) I dislike the fact that physical appearance is such a big factor for guys (read the xanga post above on attraction)
4) I like talking on MSN and blogging because it emphasizes on conversation over physical appearance
5) I dislike talking on MSN and blogging because there's no physical connection

Quite contradictory phrases. To put it bluntly, I know I don't have the most beautiful face- I know a lot of girls who have lovelier faces. Friends have told me my eyes are too close together making me look cross eyed, kids have looked straight at me and asked why my teeth are discoloured (due to intake of fluorine as children) and facialists have always clucked at my plagued skin. Thus, to achieve an equilibrium, I balance this out with the clothes I wear (the only thing that I could do would be plastic surgery but I'm obviously not going in that direction). I never really had the greatest self esteem but growing up as a teenager I realized that I can play up to my advantage by the clothes I wear since I have more of what society calls the 'ideal' frame. Since I know what works with my body type and am more adventurous and creative than the average Joe, it helps distinguish me from everyone else. Though I do think clothes are a way of expressing what I love, I also find it a way to almost distract people from the face- or perhaps make up for what I believe to be lacking in. Perhaps that is why I don't really buy makeup- I see no point in it because it does nothing for me save a little concealer and eyeliner. I can't change what I was born with but I can change what I wear.

Clothes give me confidence.
Shallow isn't it?
'Uh- Sam- shouldn't God be the source of your confidence? You are standing on shaky ground.'
Yes I know but I can't deny the fact that I find confidence in it- just like how some people are confident because they play basketball well or have the brains to excel in organic chemistry, I find confidence in fashion/design/art. Ironically, I don't like to talk about physical appearances at all- sometimes when it's not about me but about giving 'advice' to others on how to dress but I usually feel embarrassed or ashamed when the attention is to me.

I know my Christian friends are probably shaking their heads as they read this but this is me. This is what I really think- none of those 'Bible thumping' answers, none of those 'right, godly' answers. I'm not perfect. And I can't just deny the fact that I feel this way. I can give you the Bible answers: the whole 'God loves me', 'I am fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God'. I know all that. I memorized all of Psalm 139 so people don't have to repeat it to me. This blog is what I want to say- what I feel and not what I should say- not what things should be. How can they be something they're not? Sometimes when people try to shove a 'right' answer down my throat, I just see it as a way to avoid really trying to understand the person and putting some gloss over the wound- some cookie cutter answer that is supposed to solve every single person's problems. The other day I was trying to talk about my esteem issues with someone and the person just gave me really Christian answers- answers that I already knew of and didn't need. Although I appreciated the person's care and concern, it felt like they were trying to numb something I was feeling. I felt like they were just trying to win me over with Christian answers- win a religious debate. Thus I just agreed with everything the person said because I didn't need a debate- I just wanted someone to listen, understand and give something personal.

Somehow church and Christian books/magazines have drilled in my head about innerward beauty (some verse in 1 Peter- I have a poster of that verse at home next to my mirror- haha) and somehow I thought guys would be more attracted to the inward. I remember reading many issues of the Christian girl magazine, Brio, which interviewed about ten guys every so often to ask what they looked for in a wife and the answer was always 'godly, Christian woman who loves God more than anything.' So whenever I read stuff otherwise that was not that answer I told myself to believe that it was untrue. Somehow I was in denial and wanted to believe that physical appearances didn't matter. I wanted to believe that men were better in a sense that they- I don't know how to say it- but somehow see past physical appearance. The past few months have told me otherwise- that physical beauty is extremely important. Now I laugh at my own naivete; knowledge really has made me miserable.
I guess in a way that's why I blog- to display another facet of my being. Moreover, another way to create a distraction for what I believe is not the most beautiful face.

There are times when I look around at the girls around me and wish that if I had her face, I'd be 'perfect' (talking in a physical sense)- and that perhaps I'd have a boyfriend by now. For those girls who do have boyfriends, I always tell myself it's because they have a lovely face. I'd tell myself that I was created in the image of God and for a while, I'd feel okay with it. Then there are times I just can't look into the mirror without sighing in exasperation yet suppress those 'sinful' feelings and start quoting Bible verses to numb them. I guess that's why I hate taking pictures and seeing them. I realized this when I got Facebook- any of my friends can tag the ugliest pictures of me and I have little control over it. Like MSN and blogger which allow me to control what I want people to know about me without making their own judgements, my self photographed portraits are in a sense, a way of controlling what people see in the physical me. Friends have told me what pretty pictures I take, yet they see one in thirty ugly/mediocre ones. And I laugh at myself because these frozen images are only a mere fraction of a 360 degree me. And what if people got so used to those touched up, doctored images and they saw me and realized how plain I really was? I can't help but laugh at this whole matter wryly; the very thing that I sought to display beauty has jeopardized my reality. I've created a fictional self- oh that perfectly describes it. Self constructed realities indeed.