Re:lationships Re:visited

Pure randomness- on my flight back to Toronto two weeks ago.

Sorry this is going to be a very broken up post because I just thousands of small thoughts but nothing I can really put together as of yet.
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There comes a point in every relationship that we all have to decide whether or not to move forward or to stay back at a distance.

Why is it that we feel pain more than pleasure? Why is it that the man laments the loss of a lover by grieving past memories of highest pleasure yet the feeling of pain is still above that of pleasure?

I feel like an emotional wreck right now- I want to say everything and in my fear, say nothing at all. I don't think I've been so happy and so sad at the same time this whole year until now. I don't think I've cried and laughed so much either. At times like these, I recall how resistant the heart is- resistance in terms of its ability to love, lose and get right back up; its willingness to do it all over again despite the hurt and loss.

I was on MSN yesterday- and I just couldn't take it anymore. Being online, spending time building up relationships on MSN was driving me insane. Right now, I could just sit like a statue with someone and not say anything. I'm so tired of feeling that burden of having to say something, I can do with just staying silent- that is unless they feel awkward do I feel a little obligated to say something to make them less uncomfortable.

I think I can say with utmost confidence, that in May 2007, I have experienced some of the happiest moments of my life thus far.
And I don't know where to go from here. The past few weeks, I had a goal and since it has passed, I'm not sure what to do with myself. Leafing through old photo archives- exactly a year minus one day, I was helping Robyn get ready for prom with my other cousin, Grace. And I feel like I've come full circle once again uncertain of anything- this weather is making me want to curl up and go back to sleep.

There's this song I listen to, which makes me close my eyes and just wish I could return to that day where we just decided to blow homework off and spend time at the sakura festival. That's one day I wish I could go back to.

The other day, someone asked me whether or not I had friends beyond those at church which was quite surprising since no one really has ever mentioned that to me before, being that the case before was that I had a lot of school friends and little at church.

So what now God? I know there's a reason why I feel so much pain and pleasure these days- I know though I don't quite see the bigger picture as of yet, I know that there's a purpose for everything. What is it exactly You want me to learn in order to become a godly woman?