-A friend once told me to 'guard your heart'- especially girls who become attached quickly to things. God, I suck at this.

-For me, home is associated with a sense of consistency- returning to a place that I feel safe within with little change. And now when I return from New York, it's as if everything and everyone is shifting gears. I no longer feel stable- just standing on shaky ground everywhere I go.

-People ask if you ever regret anything in life. I don't believe in regrets- I only wish that I did things sooner/later/earlier but I don't regret anything in life. It's too short to even have to deal with. And yet in this instance I had the choice of either to move forward or pull away and distance myself. I knew it was all coming- the same familiar feelings of fear, sadness and loss- and yet I could not resist just giving as much as I could to understand what it's like to just throw yourself at life and be able to scream, "I did everything I could, loved as hard as I could, gave as much as I could." and just keep going forward. Too often I've distanced myself out of almost self defence thinking, "This won't work out in the long run." but now- who cares. I'll love and give as much as I can- and I know it will hurt as it has done to me in the past, but what the hell- I'll do it if it means taking both the pain and pleasure of it all. I don't think I can live much longer surfing on mediocre, 'how are you doing?' friendships. Hm, I'm not sure how the 'guard your heart' philosophy would come in- but I guess I'll stick it in there somewhere.

-I wonder what it means to be selfless. If you are unwilling but are obedient- is that still a sign of selflessness? I don't know. Sometimes I try and push all feelings aside; everything that I want in order to try to do what everyone else wants but deep inside, I'm a little spiteful. I guess I'm just a little tired from it all.

-I've realized now that when I'm home, I just don't want to say anything to anyone -correction- I have little to say to anyone. I wished they understood that I'm so drained from trying to carry conversations on MSN, sometimes I just like to listen to people talk and perhaps give my two cents when required.

-I feel very sad.
Perhaps it's because it's 3:30am.