Being Chinese// To Build a Lost Cause

Picture I snapped while walking around downtown. I like these ungrounded, up in the sky pictures.

I dont know why but during the summer I get addicted to taking pictures especially fashion photography which gives me the ability to do crazy things and style the models.



You may think their way of dress is a joke. I find it fascinating. You may laugh but I know you also respect them for having the guts to do this- because obviously you wouldn't dress like this here in Toronto. Japanese fashion is just so captivating precisely because they're so over the top but standard fare there. So don't be surprised if I start deviating this way- the likelihood of that is slim but I'm gonna fob it up a bit.

It's interesting when cultures mix- especially our generation where traveling is so prevalent.
If you asked me as a young teenager, five or seven years ago, what nationality I would want to be, I would have said "caucasian/european."
Growing up in the Western Barbie culture surrounded by Polly Pockets, reading books on European looking princesses and damsels in distress, and watching Sleeping Beauty and Beauty and the Beast- there's no wonder why at the time, I really disliked being Chinese. On the aesthetic level- what can I say? I wanted a Caucasian face.
Also living in Hong Kong for five years really made me dislike a lot of things within the culture- the loud, 'ill mannered' Chinese people screaming in the market places to the pollution to the crowds and their obnoxious jabbering. I felt 'higher' than them- I spoke English, went to an international school and looked forward to my summers in Canada- clean, spacious Canada with malls where they had actual sizes rather than 'Leu Yun Gai' (Women's market). Chinese people weren't 'cool'- all their songs sounded exactly the same, all their fashion was laughable (aka random sayings on t shirts). Obviously, I must say, culture is not defined by food or shopping but these were the little nuances that struck me at the time as worth comparing. Defining 'culture' would take ages so I'm using the word loosely.

But now especially having spent time in New York sans dim sum, bubble tea, Chinese language etc, I've come back with an appreciation of my own 'heritage'. The last few years my interest in China has increasingly grown; seen in all my art/design work of late and my essays which focus a lot on China's cultural and political history to the consumeristic China of now.
I was watching 'Ramsey's Kitchen' on the Food Network with friends and the featured restaurant was having issues with a 'large' menu, they whittled it down to about sixteen dishes including appetizers and desserts. And I just thought of our 'Richmond Hill Courts' (Lam Yuen), and their 50 dish menus and ability to serve it within ten minutes, I can't help but feel some kind of 'pride'.
I know, it's a silly analogy but it's true.

Lately, I've been trying to speak more Cantonese to my parents and when I'm at P-Mall or whatever. I know I have an accent but I guess the only way to improve is to just try. I wish I took Chinese school, I wish I knew how to read and write. But I don't. Which is why I'm learning Japanese and hopefully I'll be able to transition to Mandarin and Canto further down the road. I'm trying to pick up Chinese words in conversations, examining signs and trying to pick up random simple characters. My favourite songs are also Mandarin/Canto or Japanese- perhaps because I don't understand what they're saying so the 'abstract' quality of their lyrics keeps me listening.

So as of now, after graduating, I'd like to move back to HK or China and work there. My dream is to design- design to change. The idea is to bring up environmental awareness through fashion- manufacturing clothes in China and sold within Asia (I'm thinking about taxes and shipping which would be a lot cheaper than shipping to North America which will in turn keep prices down so environmental fashion is actually affordable). And since China's enviromental problems are such a hot topic these days, I think this would be a good time to try as a designer to change consumer taste there.
Meh, it doesn't hurt to dream.
I am seriously considering just jumping in- take a gamble and just go for it- somehow.
I truly believe design, especially in China/HK is in dire need of change. Children grew up with their parents telling them to go into the medical/ law field. Art is superfluous. It's unstable.

Today over lunch with a few people from SALT prior to the Agapo game, we were discussing the professions everyone was zeroing in on. I couldn't help but muse over the extreme variety: teachers, doctor, cop, writer, nurse. And then I was speaking to someone else from church who wanted to be a rock star in HK one day. And me, I want to be a fashion designer. And then my cousin who wants to be an illustrator. Diversity is so fun.
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Driving someone home today, I realized I've been at RHCBC for seven years. Seven years. I didn't even know how long I've been at this church until now. Wow. And I feel like I know so little people.
So, why try?
She asked me, "why are you trying so hard to befriend people you hardly ever see?"

I was a little speechless at first.
Yes, why do I try so hard with people who probably don't even care?
Is this really a lost cause with no purpose?
I don't know. But I feel like this is a starting point for me in order to mature as a person. I feel like this is my testing zone where I can just try breaking out of this mold. It's a place where people somewhat know of me, where foundations have already been laid down in which I just have to focus on building up.
For seven years, I've known of people but never tried speaking to them until now.
Seven years.
So why continue living how I was in the past, and why not try doing something different? Although I'm not in Toronto much, I might as well try and see how things go. One of my philosophies in life is "why not?". Pure and simple.

I've shared with people how I'm trying to say yes to everything- to just get out more and get out of that comfort zone. They say they admire that although personally I think they've always had what I'm trying to build up right now. But what is there to admire? It's just effort and work. It doesn't seem that special. I'm naturally a shy person, so talking to strangers/acquaintances requires a lot of effort and fast thinking on my behalf. I'm trying not to get discouraged easily but it's difficult.

This was a very poorly written post but the sun has done its damage to my head.