Changer of Hearts// Good First Date Activities

Random Asian model photograph. I love Asian models. :P

Listening to BSB's Inconsolable. It's not amazing- it's just catchy and it's true nostalgia.

I have little in my head these days other than the fictional fantasy that I live in. On Friday night my roomie and I stayed holed up in our room cutting up a cheap pirate hat we got at the nearby costume store, which we visit almost every day, and making our own 1940's hats till 4:30am watching certain scenes from Titanic- from the part we are transported back to the day the ship set sail until they see the iceberg (basically all the pretty parts and no dying). Today we draped and pinned fabric on each other to get the pattern of a shift dress we will make with wool crepe we got during our procrastinating Saturday. And we contemplated opening up shop on etsy.com.
As one of my classmates incredulously pointed out, I live in a world of imagined nostalgia. Nothing that I myself have suffered the loss of but have created this world from romanticized pasts and stylized ideas.

I go online, I stare at the name, somehow trying to will him to message me first. I'm obviously disappointed each time. There are some times when I think that it's okay if nothing happens between us because I can only do so much and the rest is up to God yet on the other, I feel that every time I get no or little response from him, it's my fault. I know it's not and I console myself by surrounding myself with friends.
Do I look really mean/intimidating/cold to other people? Girls approach me- always lavishing their compliments on what I'm wearing and asking how I am and telling me how their week was. But guys are a whole other story- I observe them and see how they approach other females without hesitation yet sometimes I stand at the back of the auditorium and see if they speak to me first. Never. I make sure I'm not crossing my arms and have a ready smile as I try to look them in the eye.
Nil. Nothing.
And it's so frustrating because I don't know if it's something in my self that is giving off hostile signals or if it's their own fear of approaching me first? I really don't know. They look at me without so much of a smile and look the other direction. Or some just completely ignore me. And this only happens with the male species.

And as eager as I was going into church, I leave a little sad. Disappointed. I know I'm supposed to meet God there, but knowing that I'm not getting closer to any of the people around me disheartens me.

I don't know why I want so bad. I don' know why I want to get to know everyone so bad. To know him. I hate being so relationally dependent on people. But to go back to the life of solitude I cocooned myself in during the first year? I don't know. I can't do that anymore.

I pray this prayer every day, that if God will permit it, to provide me with someone. Not in the blind faith way of laziness that Henry Cloud criticizes of not doing my share of trying to get out of my comfort zone relationally, but in way that I will persevere to serve others wholeheartedly. I will try my best in trying to get to know him- them- but in the end, I can't change hearts. Only God can change hearts, so I put my trust in Him- He who knows them best.
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I notice that many of my posts follow Psalms very closely in terms of format- from despair,sadness and frustration to praise/trust and faith.

On a totally random note, I think if I could choose where to go on a first date it would be either:
1)The Sakura Matsuri.
If you've never been to a cherry blossom festival in April, you are missing out. The ephemerality of these flowers that only last a week is the reason why its regarded for its beauty. In its present state of blossoms, it already notes a hint of the impending fate of death. We cherish the flowers because we know they only last for a week. It's transience reminds us of our own existence- but throughout its short lifespan, you can't help but admire how beautiful the cycle is. From the very first tight bud to the blossoming of the flower to a carpet of pink petals. Man can never make something so wondrous. Honestly, when I went this last April, I felt like I was seeing a glimpse of Heaven. It's haunted me ever since.
On a more practical note, this date would have to happen within that one week of April so obviously it's a little illogical for a first date. :P

2)The Costume Store
I live near one that spans a whole avenue long. It's so much fun to hang around there trying things on and laughing at yourself in whatever get up you decide to don. It's like Good Will Hunting- great place for a first date to break that awkwardness.

Just like Peter Petrelli and Simone said in Heroes Season 1, everyone bumps into everyone in New York. Although there are millions of people who dwell within the city, you eventually somehow seeing their faces on the streets.
Perhaps it's because I live so close to school, I bump into everyone eventually.

I keep having dreams of me being in Toronto a week before my departure back to New York. And I wake up scared and then relieved that I'm actually in New York already eased back into the life that I have here.

I'm so sick of this one class that I'm taking called 'Designing Culture'; as vague and specific the name of the course is, so are the projects that we have to do. We have to study one particular subculture and create products that would suit this subculture according to our own 'field research'. Ideally it's a great class since it corresponds with our Global Issues lecture course however I always get critique like 'I'd like it to do more' (concerning a product I proposed). Or 'You should think about it' when I asked them how they thought I could improve it. This class has just been making me extremely angry and frustrated this whole semester because on one hand, the teachers dont' want us to design for them or make them happy, but on the other hand they always criticize our one week projects and then move onto the next so we have no way to improve or change our designs.
Well the past week I was so fed up with the class that I decided to do something really retarded. The homework was to put our subculture product into three different scenarios and change the product to fit the different 'landscapes'. Since my product was based loosely on a bag I decided to do some really random scenarios (in small print it said the scenarios could be sci fi or imaginary). So these were my three scenarios that I had to place my bag in:
1) A Masked Ball at the Metropolitan Museum of Art (real event in November). The bag became some kind of game.
2) An Elevator Filler at Parsons (we travel by elevator at Parsons and we always say that there are never fat people at Parsons because we need to cram as many people in as possible into the elevators. So my two friends and I thought it would be hilarious of we all used the same scenario according to our own product- we all came up with inflatable bodywear). The bag became an inflatable 'dress'.
3)A hot air balloon race. The bag was a symbol or a flag in a rat race for balloons on opposing sides to navigate around the land to find each other.

I decided to also ditch my whole modern line drawing/formula style and went back to my old fine arts scrawling with the use of traditional pencils. My hot air balloon race had a sun with a face and a moon with a large nose. And in the Masked Ball scenario I illustrated my roomie and I in each window as the 'story' progressed complete with ball gown and a top hat and carriage. And in the Elevator Filler, I drew an elevator going up three storeys and a girl ballooning herself to fill the entire space of the lift.

It was absolutely hilarious. I came into class literally with a smirk as I pinned up my work- I liked what I did and I just wanted to see the reactions of my teachers this time when I took the projects more lighthearted and to do something that I wanted to do (I honestly just wanted to draw hot air balloons). Anyway in the end the teacher said my scenarios were by far the most imaginative out of the others (my roomie even did an series of orgy mattresses stuck together for people to have sex on. Yes, that's how dellusional this class has made us).

Anyway, from now on, I'm not taking this class seriously because it's making me really angsty. I'll post up a picture of the scenario drawing later when I take a picture of it. argh. IDC makes me want to kill myself.

Food: Love and Guilt (and then some)

Unfortunately I was not the creator of this picture- some pastries from Laduree in Paris.

Mmmm... Magnolia Bakery's banana pudding with a tall glass of milk is so good.

I love food. Even when I was little, I had this ridiculous obsession with food- at least the visual aspects of it. My favourite story books had mice eating strawberries or drinking tea, a Parisian bakery shop, a plot line on a boy who hated carrots but was tricked by his babysitter into eating carrot cake, or another boy who took over the yucky school cafeteria and served the most splendid and imaginative specialties he could concoct from his head.

I blame it on my cousin. We used to go on some kind of picture art program and just print off pictures of food that we liked. Ridiculous I say, but she'd also illustrate both of us in some ice cream parlour or sitting in front of the couch with food all around us, and I'd colour it all in. This was when I was in grade 2 or so.

And in some ways, I haven't changed. As I'm compiling pictures of the events in the past few months, I realized that they're all of me and food or something I've made that I thought was ridiculously adorable and had to photograph it. Living in New York City has just made my love for food, even more extreme especially because every street in Manhattan has some kind of restaurant and they're all trying to compete by making the most unique restaurant out there. Yesterday my friend, the Welcoming Ministry leader, I went to a restaurant that sold specifically made to order fries and you could choose a dipping sauce: from mango chutney to wasabi to pomegranate teriyaki. I got roast tomato. :P A couple of weeks ago, with the same friend, we went to this place called 'Rice to Riches'- sold specifically rice pudding- many flavours of rice pudding (cappuccino, vanilla, honey graham, almond, coconut, classic, tiramisu) and you could put toppings on it. I got cheesecake rice pudding with oatmeal cookie crumbles and shredded coconut. Omg, it was like a dinner.

I love food. If you eat, I think it should be not only for nourishment, but for enjoyment. If we didn't enjoy food, we wouldn't have to go out of our way to pick a good restaurant to satify ourselves or choose a specific cuisine. If it was only to keep us alive, we could live in simple rice, steamed vegetables and some kind of meat. But because we have made food into something more, divulged meaning out of it, we want to enjoy it because it is a necessity. What is necessity has now become an art. If we can afford it, we should just give thanks for the ability to purchase beyond our human needs and just enjoy its taste, texture, fragrance and visual beauty. A cupcake: a fluffy cake bottom with a perfectly round top, in a cloud of icy pink pastel frosting and lemon yellow sprinkles lightly kissing the surface. You can see the traces of the spatula swirling round and round the surface of the muffintop; you can smell the faint scent of the vanilla cake and the sharper aroma of the frosting itself; now, you can carefully peel off the waxy paper cup that surrounds it, sinking your teeth first into the icing that has a slight granular feel to it, and slowly the body itself, gives way, crumbling, melting in your mouth. Your tongue rolls it around, savouring the decadent creamy goodness of this small treat.

Wasn't that just so satisfying? So good? So childlike?
So why, if food is so wonderful, do we constantly have to harp on how it adds to our weight?!?! Perhaps it's because I go to Parsons: practically an all girls school. Every day I hear at least one girl complaining about her weight, and how fat she's become or how she has to diet. It is really killing me. I hate being around people who are constantly so self conscious about their own weight- their own guilt and shape in their own body is infectious: I start to examine myself and find the physical flaws on my body. It's not to say that I don't feel these things myself or have no concerns about my weight, but when I am around company, we usually go out to eat as means of finding enjoyment in something we all need (and hopefully love), in order to bond and strengthen relationships. But when I know the other person is worried about their own weight, I feel obligated to be conscious of what I should order and in some cases, what I should give them as gifts. I like to give gifts. Sometimes I bake because everyone likes homemade goodies of some sort or I sometimes buy a cupcake or a cookie or something of the sort. But sometimes when I give it to my roommate, I feel like I'm adding to her guilt although I want to give it purely out of good will. And it becomes a little stressful. I have a friend who is trying to pursue a career in modeling. Although she is not naturally as thin as a typical runway model, I remember we used to go to Second Cup every day and she'd order a large white hot chocolate. Now she eats like a squirrel: no real desserts, only vegetables, cereal, a little fish of some sort. No bubble tea, no cake, no fried rice, no dim sum. It's a killjoy. It's really depressing because food is something we should all enjoy together. It unites people- every time we did something together during the summer be it Bible studies (unless at church building), or went out to the movies or celebrated a birthday, food was always present. We cooked at Steve's, Rin, Angie and I went on a taro milk bubble tea tasting at seven different locations (I am craving some Torontonian bbt..NY is crap), I made tiramisu for Angie's birthday/photoshoot, Robyn would artfully arrange fruit and cookies for Bible studies at her place and we had a Love Feast for Eliot and Casey.

People should, especially girls, relax a little. Your metabolism is only this fast for a while and before you know it, a decade later, it will slow down another 7%. So enjoy it while you can. :P

While on the subject of food, I have every intention of dressing fabulously like this to Balthazar or some French cafe in Soho:


Okay not in all white but in the style of that. Or something like this:



If you didn't see or understand before, now you see why I always say I will die fat, alone and be senile in my singlehood. I will be wrinkly like a raisin with only a devastatingly beautiful closet to keep me company since I will have no children and no need to save money for overpriced tuition. I see that in my near future I will probably end up looking like this:



Or this:



HAHA. God, as you can see, I need a boyfriend. And preferably soon. XD
Or maybe I can be the next apostle Paul
but in better clothes.
puahaha.



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I know Henry Cloud says to go out on Friday nights, but I actually am having a lot of fun on my own doing very Sam things. Anyways tomorrow I am venturing out of Manhattan tomorrow to a little placed called Brooklyn. LOL. So I prefer to stay in tonight and knock down some homework. I'm already done Tuesday's homework and now I'm starting on Thursday's (because I am stuck on Wednesday's).

An Art Joke

Funniest joke ever (discretion: you have to be a design/art nerd student to understand the context of it, unless you're well versed in design philosophy or have at least heard of the following):

Sam: Why don't attractive guys ever initiate conversations with girls first while less good looking guys are so easy to talk to and actually try to talk to you? Is it because good looking guys know they have the looks to get girls to initiate the conversations first while 'uglier' guys need to fill that lack of appearance with more charisma?

Roomie: Function follows form.

LOL. Oh geez, we both started cracking up like no other. Only art kids, man, only art kids.
But for the sake of a mutual understanding, the phrase "form follows function" was created during the Modernist movement, when ornament was considered a crime by name of the Bauhaus. Function should be the defining characteristic of whether or not an object succeeds or fails.
I guess I won't pick apart the joke but I hope you get it because it's frickin hilarious.

However, on a more serious note, when I posed the very same question to a few girls from my Parsons small group, they echoed the same sentiment and realization. And the mystery lives on.
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I was sitting in class during a critique, thinking while a student was arguing with the teacher and it dawned on me:

The greatest hurdle the artist must overcome is all the preconceived ideas of himself.

It's true. So many times we are cornered by what we think we are, what we think our style is and what are strengths are that define our artistic abilities, we get stuck in a rut we dig ourselves into and refuse, in our ignorance and pride, that there are other ways of seeing and perceiving the world other than our own.
()()()()()()()()()()()()

We're watching 'Finding Neverland'. Though I don't really like it, it really touches on the importance of the imagination, and of fantasy being a ship that unites both reality and the world of imagination together.

Let Love In//Film Noire: Looking Through the Cinematic Lens at Life

Let Love In

You wait, wanting this world
To let you in
And you stand there
A frozen light
In dark and empty streets
You smile hiding behind
A God-given face
But I know you're so much more
Everything they ignore
Is all that I need to believe

157 times thus far. I like this song so much because, I don't know, I just feel like that girl standing there- standing in that auditorium, smiling, greeting them one by one and tell them to move towards the front of the stage to be seated by another usher.

On one hand I feel like I'm contributing to the church, yet on the other, I feel so empty. Like I'm trying to glorify God by making others feel welcome; it feels like I'm skipping stones in a pond.

I'm standing on the brink of wanting to go back to the way I used to be- not allowing myself to open up to people, not being involved at church, to invest little time in persons and more time in work. I'm filled with a different kind of sadness- not one of loneliness as one- but a sense of hopelessness because all I can see are details- I can't seem to envision the larger picture at the moment.

It's not that all my efforts are in vain- I've started to become 'close' with a couple of them but I still don't feel woven in the church fabric.

Today we sang one of my favourite old songs: As the Deer. It's been a long time.


Why oh why, is life not like a Japanese drama? I just finished the first series of Hana Yori Dango (Flowers over Boys) that was recommended to me by Auggie and Kev. I like it- it's a little cliche and a little cheesy but it's pretty addictive. You know it's not real- the bad guy falls for the cute, lonely girl and suddenly turns his whole life around and becomes a good person... all in one episode!
If life was only like that.

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Film Noire: Looking Through the Cinematic Lens at Life

How do you perceive life? View all that surrounds you? How do you make life bearable when you feel like you can't go on?

I love movies that portray the dullest activities and objects into some of the most beautiful things in the world. My favourites are the cutting vegetable intro scene in 'Girl with a Pearl Earring', a two second shot of milk being poured into a porcelain jug in 'Marie Antoinette', a sigh from the main character in some Japanese drama I'm watching and in 'Memoirs of a Geisha', Gong Li with her matted wet hair on skin- standing in the pouring rain with little Chiyo- each swallowing the loss of freedom- free in the physical sense and to love.

It makes my life more bearable, more enchanting, when I view myself as the main character of my own story. I see life, many times, in the eyes of a camera. In the perspective of the Other. In my own world, the five senses are heightened. It just makes me pay attention to sounds, gestures, the atmosphere, light and colour. I can't explain it- I know I sound retarded. But as you see a movie, so I see my life as one.
When I'm tired, sad, depressed, bored- I cocoon myself in a shroud of cinematic fantasy which is essentially my reality as is painted with a wash of colour and light. It's not the same as playing Final Fantasy or Halo, per se, where you star as another character in another world; mine is one of the world as is but beautified in sort of shift in perspective.
It's why I am constantly surrounding myself with pretty things. As I look around my desk area: deep red dried rose, a bottle of Godiva liqueur (I didn't drink it- it was a birthday present from my roomie and I added a black bow with a gold/pearl flower to it), an Italian glass tea cup with saucer, a Modern hourglass, a dried peony and red felt heart from Vinci, a present still wrapped up in brown paper with a large lavender tulle bow on it (if you want me to open your present, wrap it ugly or else I won't open it. this one has been sitting around for three years now unopened), pictures of art, Gong Li, makeup, Robyn and I and macaroons.
When I feel sad, I just look at some of these things, these nuances in life, and I feel a little better.

Beyond the visual, my love for movie soundtrack music transcends into this realm between reality and fantasy.
Gladiator, LOTR, Pirates of the Caribbean, Requiem for a Dream, Memoirs of a Geisha, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Lust Caution, Love Actually, Disney classics, The Chorus.... the music just shapes the movie- molds and refines the entire movie experience and acts as vehicle in moving you from reality to fantasy.

Who does not wish they had a soundtrack tailored to their life? If you could pick a soundtrack that reflects your life, which one would it be? I'm just drawn to all the emotion, drama and visual stimulation original soundtracks (OSTs) provide. Some pieces of music don't entice me until they're put in a film or a tv series- and then I just start warming up to them because it brings to mind a certain character or a certain scene.

Uh, my new obsession of a song:Chinese Paladin OST. It's from the series 'Chinese Paladin'- I've never watched it but I was listening to a really random mix of Asian/hip hop/R&B mix on this Asian music dling site and I love love this one as well as the instrumental version. It's just one of those really cool dramatic/operatic/mystical MOVIE songs. Actually it's not that dramatic but it's just a really good song (instrumental one is better :P)

A Sense of Sadness// Consumption Part Two: A Nostalgia that Never Is

A Sense of Sadness

Ever since I returned to NY, I've been baking at least once a week. Cupcakes that I took to a cupcake picnic about a month ago.

Why is it so drastically cold all of a sudden? No matter, I baked a batch of blueberry muffins had made milk tea to go with it for lunch.

This week was a little surreal. Not like there was anything eventful, but it just felt a little strange. The other day I baked two small chocolate cheesecakes with a sour cream top and gave it to my Welcoming Ministry leader's workplace: a frozen yogurt shop where she treated me to some yogurt with blueberries and shredded coconut. Last night, I didnt have any plans but Jess suddenly calls me about this girl, who I met at a church picnic a month ago, whose birthday party was at 8pm at some Italian restaurant in the Chelsea district and asked me if I would go. Since I didn't have a present because I didn't receive an evite, I quickly packaged the other cheesecake with blue ribbon and a Japanese paper card. There were fourteen of us in total, everyone from NYU except me. Initially I didn't really want to go because I was tired and ill but decided it may be another chance to get to know NYU-ers.
At small groups, there were only a few of us because one girl got her toenail ripped out, another had spinal problems and had to go to the doctor while another girl found out her friend's best friend committed suicide so she and my UHS buddy, Betty, went to go and comfort her. And I had the cold so I was feeling really sluggish that day.
As I was walking home that night a really built guy with a tight fitting 'New york Sports Club' t shirt and his buddy asked me as I was passing by,
"Do you work out?"
I thought it would be some gym promotional membership thingie cuz there's one near where I live so I paused and took out my earphones and said "no because I like to eat" thinking they'd start preaching to me about how I should and the wonders of their gym. I know, my rationality about eating vs working out/going to the gym is pretty screwed logic.
"You have a great figure,"
Thanks. *awkward silence*
"It must be the genes."
I was going to say that it was the Asian genes but then again in Hong Kong, I'm not considered skinny. I just laughed.
"What do you do?"
I told him the basics: school, field of study.
"I like your bangs. Who cut it?"
Technically my roommate gave me the haircut a long time ago but I trimmed the bangs myself. But I just said roommate so I don't sound like a narcisst.
It was obvious by then he wasn't really going to try and sell me a gym membership, so I turned to leave and said bye.
"Would you like my number?"
I laughed and said no.

I wonder why guys never take the initiative. Okay, in this case, perhaps this random gym guy did, but at the end, when he asked if he could give me his number, I thought to myself, whatever gave you the notion that I was interested in calling you? Why is it that I have to be the one who goes to people and not others to me? It's not a selfish thing I'm talking about, but it just strikes as odd that I do all the facebook/msn/aim adding and start all the conversations at church while others don't approach me. It's also the same when it comes to the actual body of the conversation itself- I do all the asking so much that it seems like they're just not really interested in getting to know me.

The other day, perhaps because the weather was heavy and grey and I was trying to suppress my cold, I was feeling really depressed about this whole Henry Cloud thing. On one hand, I feel like I'm making progress in terms of knowing people: name, school, field of study, age. Yet it seems that I may be spreading myself thin that I constantly forget what people are majoring in etc.

The other day I was surfing around Facebook when I stumbled upon a couple of blogs from the church I attend in NYC. Just reading some of the entries and looking at the people who commented made me feel incredibly like an outsider. It made me realize how little I know of them and how little they know of me. They all seem to know each other so well. Who am I to be on Welcoming Ministry when in my own life, my relationships are so shallow? How do I get to the matters of the heart when I see them once a week and there is so little common ground to create a foundation of a solid friendship? Though I think my conversation skills have 'leveled up' since I first started back in March, I begin to panic when I am around people I know little of and have little to say to after the basics are established.

I don't know where to go from here. I didn't come this far to get stuck in another social rut. One thing that has been encouraging so far came from both Henry Cloud and the Art of Seduction book, when it seems like the relationships you create are becoming dry/stagnant/stiff/cold, pursuing them a little more- pushing them a little more- will help get you over that 'hump'. It makes sense in my head but it seems a little less coherent when I write it down.

God, will you help me see people like You do? Reach out to people like You do?
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Consumerism #2: A Nostalgia that Never Is


Click

Yesterday after we were dismissed from class, my roommate and I threw our stuff down at home, changed, and went to a vintage show (just vendors from all over the States selling vintage/antique items). We saw this really cute Chinese girl (seen above with my roommate. She had a wig of curls and her makeup all done) and asked to take a picture with her. Upon entering the conventional hall, I became dizzy with just the sheer amount of eye candy. A lot of the stuff was beyond my spending power, but it was just nice to see how design, especially in fashion, as evolved through the past hundred years. There was this stunning 18th century cream gown for $1500 or so but my roommate I were so interested in seeing how consistent and precise the handsewing was: it really looked like it was machine done.
My roommate purchased a pair of snake skin shoes and a black bag while I bought a red 'whimsy' hat (it just perches on top of your head) and 1940's polka dotted cream coloured gloves. Yeah, useless I say, but I'll wear the hat to brunch down in Soho one day.

The funny thing about vintage, clothing and all this decadence, is that we feel a sense of nostalgia that never belonged to us.
Girls love to sigh as they watch Memoirs of a Geisha or Gone with the Wind, and wished we were 'back in those days' when women wore silk gowns, men wore top hats and were actual gentlemen. We wish for days that reflected the times when girls in Jane Austen's 'Pride and Prejudice' attended dances and Mr. Darcy's that wore cravats and tall boots riding on horses across the green fields of England.
Men wished that they could return to the days of cowboys, riding on horses or be placed in the battle lines, doing heroic deeds for the country they loved and for the woman he left at home.

Ads and commercials use this fantasy to create a sense of nostalgia: Marlboro cigarettes had handsome cowboys while fashion house, Shanghai Tang's ads are of thin Chinese women in qi pao's draped over a chair of lacquered cherry wood.
We always wish for the times that were but that we never ever participated in. I was not of the 1910's but so often my roommate and I would wish that we could 'return' to that period when men were actually dignified and well mannered (I blame it on the film, 'Count of Monte Cristo').

As Appadurai so perfectly says it in his chapter called 'Consumption, Duration, and History':

"...as far as mass merchandisation is concerned, does not principally involve the evocation of a sentiment to which cnsumers who really have lost something can respond. Rather these forms of mass advertising teach consumers to miss things they have never lost... In thus creating experiences of losses that never took place; these advertisements create what might be called 'imagined nostalgia,' nostalgia for things that never were. This imagined nostalgia thus inverts the temporal logic of fantasy.. Rather than expecting the consumer to supply memories while the merchandiser supplies the lubricant of nostalgia, now the viewer need only bring the faculty of nostalgia to an image that will supply the memory of a loss he or she has never suffered. This relationship might be called armchair nostalgia, nostalgia without lived experience or collective historical memory."

Frick, that was so insightful. I guess in summary, this is what we call 'romanticiziation'- we forget all the bad things that occured in that period and only heighten the sensual and visual aspects in how we like to perceive a time that we never personally experienced.
That's why commercials are so seductive- they speak of times that we never suffered, thus manipulating their ways into our hearts and persuading us to buy back a piece of history in an object that never existed during the time to give it some depth or meaning behind it in order to create an aura- a desire.

Want to see an example of faux nostalgia that's not of a girl's fantasy but of a guy's? My favourite music video by Jay Chou:Faraway.
Beautifully shot- my guess it's supposed to be from the 1930's. Besides that, it's a really cute, tragic love story. I like I like. And the cinematography is just yummy.


And no other medium does it better than fashion. Because fashion is constantly recycling old ideas, you'll always see references to the flappers of the 20's or the New Look of the 50's or the goddesses of the 40's.

Can you imagine, 50 years from now, how our children will perceive the time that we are living in now? What will they romanticize of our present in the future? I can't imagine it.

Love Song// A Love that Requires Sacrifice

If I had to choose one favourite love song (and worship songs don't count), funnily enough it would be If There Is No Tomorrow (Ru Guo Mei You Ming Tian) by the Taiwanese boy band, K One.
I see all the irony in all this: I don't understand what the heck they're saying except for the part "I don't want to lose you" (perhaps it's because I don't know what they're saying, so I don't get sick of it) and that it's a boy band that consists of five girly looking guys with bad MVs AND they steal a part of this Mozart piece for their intro.
But I still like it.
I've listened to it 448 times since May 07.
I told you I was good at killing songs.
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Who do you talk to when you have a problem or a secret? Who do you ask for advice pertaining to matters of the heart?

Although it's only been a short period of time since retreat, I've been thinking a lot about myself and how I can build a confidence within me that does not rely on the opinions of others.

As an artist/designer, I've always somewhat based my value/worth on the critique of others. If they loved my work, I felt good about myself- I did a good job. However, if they tore down my design, it really hurt: the sad thing about art is that you can spend hours and hours on one piece, thinking you did well, and show up at critique where all your fellow students can take it down.

It seems that whenever I talk to others, I talk to myself simultaneously.

"Hey John" did that sound stupid? Why is my voice so low?
"What's up? How are you doing?" I wonder if I have chocolate on my teeth. Crap. Don't smile too wide
"Oh I haven't been doing much. Just school and small groups." Ugh, I sound like such a dull person. Should I elaborate on something...

I remember reading this in some book about how your inner dialogue shows you just how you view yourself. The lack of self confidence hinders one from focusing on the other person and hurts the growth of the relationship.

So the other night I began to share and talk to people to see how they would (or have) solve this problem of self consciousness. One referred me to a book and another just nodded and said she understood. I called Robyn and we talked for about two hours. When I asked her the question, she said, "It's a slow process of realizing that what other people think of you doesn't matter. I am continually being reminded of this when I read the Bible,"

Could that be the answer?
To be honest, I haven't been doing my devos for a loooong time. There was some spiritual barrier that just I could psychologically could not get out of. To put it bluntly, it was out of laziness. Although I appreciated doing Bible Studies, I disliked the rather dryness and lack of ideas in interpreting the Bible all by myself.
But if I am cutting off one communication line between God and I, how am I supposed to root myself in all that He is, was and will be? How am I supposed to understand who I am and build confidence and trust in Him if I don't read in a text that accounts for thousands of testimonies in Christ?

Love requires some kind of sacrifice. Without sacrifice there is no pain; if there is no pain there is no struggle; if there is no struggle, there is no depth; if there is no depth there is no love.

(did I really just say that- it sounds kinda deep. Maybe I just ripped it off of some author sub consciously. That's what reading does to you- you can read your whole life as a textbook or close it and try living it. At least you'd be original- Good Will Hunting reference for those who are not in the know).

Anyway, the realization I came to was that, "Sam, if you want to understand God better and understand yourself commit to getting up earlier- sacrifice that extra sleep and devote it to God. For all that He has already done for you and what He will do, it's worth the effort."

So this morning I got up fifteen minutes earlier and crawled to my desk which had the book of Galatians open. The night before, I did some research on the historical context of Galatians (sadly, on Wikipedia but there was no other site I could find more reliable source on. How sad). Initially I was going to do Acts but decided to do Galatians out of reasons I will not write here.

Bleh, this may be the devil's way of discouraging me from getting up earlier in the morning, but I caught a cold today. How convenient. I'm so tired.
Here goes to earlier mornings. All this I do for You in hopes of making me into a holier person.

What are you willing to sacrifice?

To the Ends of the Earth: A Retreat and Three Sermons

Swoon. 18th century photo shoot from an Italian Vogue last year. I <3 Rococo.

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving all you Canadianos!!! Sucks cuz we don't get that holiday although tomorrow is technically 'Columbus Day' although Parsonians dont' celebrate it so we still have school. Funny thing is is that since my internship place does, I don't have to go to work tomorrow. Sweet.

I just got back from retreat and am now in the process of writing a summary for homework, drinking a Bacardi Silver as slow as possible and swallowing melted Lindor chocolate eggs.

This is my absolute favourite song. On Itunes, I've listened to it 530 times (not including mp3 player). It's from this Japanese drama (Asian equivalent to 'House'). It's a song that sounds really pieced together but it has this really beautiful violin solo and generally, it just sounds... spiritual. It's the equivalent to a 16th century Elizabethan chant sung in a Gothic cathedral- echoing off the marble towers. But please don't listen to the lyrics- like anything Anglofied, the lyrics DO NOT MAKE SENSE. I've never really paid attention to the lyrics until I found this youtube post. It makes me cringe. Anyway, I love this song, partially because of the good memories I've associated it with, specifically, my friend who sent me the song and most of all, because I listened to it a lot when Robyn and I spent a day at the Sakura matsuri (cherry blossom festival) back in April, and despite all the homework we had to do, lying on the grass with a canopy of pink blossoms that fanned over us was just an intoxicating feeling of peace, tranquility and natural beauty.

Another song I'm killing right now, is Polaris by Jimmy Eat World. The song is probably really old, but I recently discovered it and I'm addicted. I love love this song. It conjures up pictures of golden fields, endless sky and summer.
I just love these lyrics,
Can you tell me
You say that love goes anywhere
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there.

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Another retreat has gone.
I wasn't looking forward to it at all knowing that I'd have to somehow juggle all my homework for next week as well as the present week since I'd be losing two nights of homework time. If you know me, my work ethic is pretty good. I finished all my work for the present week as quickly as possible and completed all my homework for this coming Tuesday last Wednesday. Sweet. Now I'm worrying about Thursday homework because I don't really know how to do it. :( I know, that's why I didn't have friends first year- constantly worrying about homework. Silly me.
Anyway, I learned a lot this retreat. On a side note, I had to eat watermelon rind cuz our 'human foozeball' team lost to all three teams so we had to eat an entire watermelon literally with white, green and red. And since there was no knife, we had to smash it on a bench.
The pastor was great- simple, concise, to the point messages that were centered around one particular Bible passage.
Our theme this season was 'City on a Hill'. The pastor spoke thrice:

Sermon #1: Who Am I?
Luke 4

We often define ourselves through:
1. I am what I do
2. I am what I control (influences, social groups as well as the tangible)
3. I am what others say about me

Through Luke 4, which is the famous story of Jesus wandering in the wilderness for 40 days and being tested by Satan, he spun the story through these three temptations to reflect how we often define ourselves.

Temptation #1: turning stone into bread
Jesus is challenged to do what he claims to be.
Application: the temptation to be relevent --> being defined by what I do.
*interesting note by speaker: Jesus never uses his powers for himself- not even when he finished his fast, did he decide to zap some bread to eat

Temptation #2: giving authority of the world through worship
Jesus is tempted to worship Satan once, in order to gain control
Application: the temptation of be being defined by power and ambition.

Temptation #3: throwing Himself down from the temple roof to prove His name
Jesus is tempted to throw Himself down to see if angels would catch him
Application: being defined by the acceptance of others. The temptation of making people you love, love you.

Jesus' answer to all this?
Luke 3:22
"You are My Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased."

When His Father came down to bless him after Jesus' baptism, His identity was well rooted in the words of God, and not others or by His own actions.

I thought this was a really interesting take to a well known passage of Scripture. I liked it a lot.
***


I've been sleeping five hours a night, so in order for me to stay awake in lectures or sermons, I have to be doodling while writing sermon notes. For some reason, I can't just engage my brain by just 100% listening, I can only engage in it when I'm drawing. Yes I know, I like to draw girls and food. Usually together. Click it for more detail!

Sermon #2: Love Through Service
John 13: the illustration of servanthood through the washing of the disciples' feet.

"We think that happiness is taking a break from what we have to do and pursuing the things that we want to do." -speaker

Point 1: One thing Jesus emphasizes is service out of love. Service is the manifestation of love. When we serve in love, we will be fulfilled in joy (John 15:10-11).

Point 2: Serving requires a sacrifice of our status and self and likes/dislikes of other people.
-Footwashing was reserved for Gentile slaves. Even Jewish slaves were exempted from this lowly task.
-Jesus washed the feet of ALL 12 disciples including Judas Iscariot.

We always think some tasks are beneath us. If we really love, nothing is beneath us.
------------

This sermon came at the most perfect time. I felt God speaking directly to me through the speaker. I went up to him personally after to thank him yet he totally knows I was drawing while he was speaking which I guess looks a little impolite, but I think falling asleep during his sermon is worse. Anyway.

I've been questioning my involvement with the Welcoming Ministry. My main reason for joining was because I wanted to stay connected to people as well as be more pro active in pursuing relationships. Yet does this strengthen my relationship in Christ? I guess in some offhand way it does by unifying the Body yet I feel like I'm doing this out of my own selfish reasons and not out of this 'love' as the speaker said. And now that he's in the picture, I feel like I'm deviating even more away from this Christ-like servanthood. However I see it as, I need Christian friendships thus I pursue them through serving at church. Is this wrong? Or should I have established those relationships prior to serving? That doesn't really make sense either logically speaking. And in terms of relationships that extend beyond the borders of friendship, is it wrong to be consciously pursuing one?

Another reason why this sermon resonated within me is because now that I am interning at Edun, Bono's fashion company, I've been doing work like photocopying, cutting and sticking things in folders and cutting out swatches. And I've been questioning myself with a hint of bitterness, "why am I here- to be their secretary? I am a design student and I want to learn how to design, not cut things out."
And the speaker addressed how many of students who just graduated from college and have gone into the workfield are constantly wondering why they are doing things like fetching coffee or photocopying things for their coworkers. Don't we deserve to do more with our minds since we are equipped with a college degree?
Again, the speaker says that in love we must consider no task is beneath us. That we should elevate ourselves above certain activities that others would not do. Would it not be a strong testimony if we humbled ourselves and served others by completing the tasks that are rejected by all?
It was such a good reminder. I really need to learn to be more humble. Okay, no more griping about photocopying for me.
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Sermon #3: Evangelism- Why Do You Believe?
1 Peter 3:13-17

Two barriers to Evangelism:
-Fear
-Apathy
Reverence is the antidote to fear and apathy. 'Do not fear then intimidation, and do not be troubled but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts...'

You cannot fear both God and Man
We start by hallowing Christ
Evangelism is the Fruit of our reverence. By hallowing Christ we are making Him Lord of our hearts and thus hope is born and should lead us to evangelize for the hope that is in us.

Be prepared to explain your hope (testimony)
-Evangelism through Reverence is a Lifestyle through prayer, worship and gentleness.

And lastly, it has got to be your own answer- not from a book or from what others say, but your own.
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Oh man, he was harsh: "I bet most of you have never personally brought someone to Christ and those who have shared their own testimonies, spoke in front of a group of Christians rather than those who don't believe."

I agree.

In terms of worship, it's been a while since I've had such an experience.
I'm a little slow when it comes to worship music, but we sang Hillsong's To the Ends of the Earth. I love it. It makes me just want to raise up my hands sitting in front of the computer. I'm deeply moved by this song.

Jesus I believe in you and I would go to the ends of the earth, to the ends of the earth. For you alone are the Son of God, and all the world will see, that you are God.

The last night of worship, it was just an intoxicating experience. Since I've returned, I've been a little more cautious about having an emotional fling (not that it's been all surface in the past, but I'm just making sure I don't get carried away by the music) but that night, everyone was just worshiping with all that they had.

And then came prayer. 2.5 hours of prayer. Honestly, it was okay in the beginning but towards the end at 12am, I had to go to the bathroom and had a splitting headache every time I bowed my head. So in that aspect, it wasn't that great. I don't know, I can't think when everyone else is just yelling out their prayers. Sometimes I wish they would really apply the whole idea of 'Be Still and know that I am God' idea because it would be a nice change.

Yep, so that's my reflections on this retreat. I think I got more intellectually than I did relationally. That's just fine because I really needed those sermons.
***

There are a few things that I so dearly want to share with someone- someone who is in my current surroundings and in the same social group that I am in. But who to trust? And what can I gain from telling another? A 'secret' to cement a friendship? Can I really open up to things that I have always kept to myself in the past? I don't know, I'm scared. But why should I fear if God is in and with me? I've been struggling to fully understand that. I've been trying to internalize this truth. For if God is in and with me, why should I be afraid to be honest with others and to stand up for what I believe in? Why should I be less of myself and be so self conscious if God is with me?

Why am I so weak?

Fear is lost in all You are

Consumption Part One: The Two Intangible Sources of Luxury

Happy Victim of 'Vivienne Tam' in Japan

Happy Victim of 'Anna Sui'

Well, I finished the book. It was amazing. A real page turner and I highly highly recommend this book to anyone even those who aren't really into the industry. It's a great, eye opening read on how things are being run these days. Totally messed up. I'm going to quote from Dana Thomas' book so bear with me.

'Happy Victims': noun. Dubbed by photojournalist, Kyoichi Tsuzuki, these people are victims of brand marketing, the items seem to bring them a soft of happiness.

Case #1
There is a Buddhist monk who collects Comme des Garcons religiously. Once a month, the monk sheds his robes, dons Comme des Garcons' avant-garde constructionist clothes, and heads from his temple to Tokyo to pick up a few more pieces. He is so convinced of their miraculous powers that he says his delinquent ister cleaned up her act when she started wearing Comme des Garcons.

Case #2
...a Martin Margiela manic who is so fastidious about his collection that he never cooks at home because he doesnt want the clothes to retain the odors. The only thin in his refrigerator is eyedrops. "when he gets thirsty," Tsuzuki said, "he goes to a convenience shop and drinks there and then goes back home. He does not want to put any kind of trash in the room."
-------------------------------------------------------

Ugh, having so much 'luxury' actually looks kind of cheap.

There's no eloquent words to say this, but after I finished 'Deluxe: How Luxury Lost its Luster', but the so-called world of luxury, CEOs of these companies and all those who create counterfeit goods and those who buy counterfeits, make me sick.

But how did luxury companies go from selling high end things to becoming global corporations?
Most luxury companies such as Gucci, Louis Vuitton, Hermes and Chanel started off as small and humble family businesses run by relatives who catered fine goods to a small number of elite. In a nutshell, marketers and businessmen come in and take over the companies, use the already built up prestigious name and start marketing like crazy. How? Magazine ads, company sponsored events like car racing, launch parties, issuing out four new perfumes per year, build grand stores, give free clothes (and even pay them to wear them at the Oscars) to actors and actresses who can afford to buy the clothes. The idea is to bring luxury to the masses. The dilemma lies here: if luxury is accessible by all (the other day as I was walking to church, I saw a group of five females from age 10 to 40 all wearing the exactly same Louis Vuitton backpack. Whether or not they are real, they looked cheap), then the things or ideas we identify as 'luxury' must change for luxury is not supposed to be attainable by all.
As Thomas said in her book, "consumers don't buy luxury branded items for what they are, ut for what they represent. And good fakes- the kind that can pas for real- now represent socially the same thing as real." p280

It's true. I wrote about this a year ago about how women buy expensive purses to somehow 'add value' to their own lack of self esteem. Now, in order to bring luxury to the masses, the object itself, is not marketed but the qualities that you will be endowed with upon point of purchasing this item.

What makes it even worse, is that people who cannot afford a $700 bag, are purchasing fakes to maintain a facade of wealth, taste and status. This not only feeds the counterfeiting business that earns hundreds of millions a year, it's a low risk business thus crime gangs and terrorists get into the industry:

"Counterfeiting flourishes because it is a high-return, low-risk business: counterfeiters can earn millions and are rarely caught. "the markup is like heroin. Say I buy one ounce of heroin for $18,000. Diluted one to ten, I now have $180,000 worth. However, conspiracy to commit a crime and criminal possession of narcotics is an A-i felony in New York. If I'm caught with any part of that ounce of heroin, I'm looking at eight to twenty-five years, and life if it's a multiple offense. It's mandatory sentencing. It's almost like murder.

If I brought in $18,000 worth of handbags in from China"- which would retail for at least 10 times more- "you'd put me in jail overnight, maybe. And I'd call my lawyer and be out in the morning. Ninety-nine percent of the people caught in New York state selling counterfeit goods do not go to jail." p292-3

Stunning. Why do drugs when you can do purses.
This part made me cry,

"The children who work in counterfeit factories are usually housed by owners; the kids in the raid I witnessed lived across the couryard in slum dorms. When a counterfeit factory is raided and the owner arrested, the children are left not only out of work but also homeless... Sometimes the cases are truly horrific, "I remember walking into an assembly plaint in Thailand a couple of years ago and seeing six or seven little children, all under ten years old, sitting on the floor assembling counterfeit leather handbags... The owners had broken the children's legs and tied the lower leg to the thigh so the bones wouldn't mend. He did it because the children said they wanted to go outside and play." p288

Most people don't understand the implications of their actions. They believe that if they can purchase a fake Chanel (apparently the fake Chanel bags go across the border with the logo as 'CO' but there's a part of the sticker in the second 'O' that peels back to create the interlocking C's of the Chanel brand which are removed once safe through customs. I thought that was pretty funny actually- kinda creative) they are doing nothing wrong- the luxury companies earn so much money anyway, that it wouldn't matter if they purchased a $100 knock off. You do more damage than you think.

And China is astounding- as usual. On one hand, while the majority of counterfeits come from HK ($125 million in 2005-2006), it is becoming a huge money pot. In terms of economic growth and the number of people who are so rich, apparently they're 'richer than air' according to Karl Lagerfeld, Chanel designer. And all of them come from China. Couture dresses start at $100,000. You are considered a regular customer of a couture house if you purchase a minimum of five dresses a year: that's approximately $500,000. Half a million. And many of those regulars are from China. There are more Chanel boutiques in tiny little Hong Kong than there are here in New York. People there are hungry, they're hungry for things that were forbidden during the Cultural Revolution.

*
All this is insane. I can't begin to comprehend the madness in all this. However I do understand, to an extent, because I go to a fashion school that has a uniform of skinny jeans, Chanel sunglasses, and Marc Jacob bags. The pressure to wear your self worth on your sleeve is incredible. Brands have become symbols representing taste, style and prestige, not quality and craftmanship within the object itself. Counterfeiting won't stop until people stop buying logos for logos.

So what now? If everyone can afford the $1000 It bag, the Tiffany pendant, the Cartier jewels and the Jimmy Choos, what is luxury if everyone has it?
Personally, I see that it all comes down to two things. Two things that everyone wants whether they are conscious of it or not:
-Confidence
-Time

In a world that is so absorbed with the self, we have become our own walking talking critic, sitting in the sidelines watching ourselves in the eyes of a passerby. Objects of desire, the quilted Chanels to Swarovoski crystals to some fancy luxury sportscar, all connote this idea of confidence. As symbols of prestige they all give off this idea of confidence. But I think true luxury is a confidence that radiates from the self and warms them people around it.

Time- kind of obvious why. We have so little of it, if we could buy things that connote a period of time, that must signify a certain value over things of the present. It's the commodification of time: Vintage wine, vintage clothing, antique cars, antique furniture, antique books. Things that have survived over a certain time frame are valued over objects of the present. Though we may not have lived in the time it was created, owning an object that connotes a certain span of time is a symbol of a cultured person.
Another aspect of time is the time it takes to create an object. This kind of time also applies to those objects that are considered vintage or antique. However it applies to, say, an Hermes bag which takes 15 hours to create or a Rolex with the parts individually placed inside. They may not be vintage but the time that is used in labour, becomes valuable. Who doesn't like the idea that someone took sweat, care and time into an object? It creates both a monetary and an intangible sense of value.

I was thinking today, why is it that we are constantly living in the past (the purchase of antiques or the feelings of nostalgia or the surfacing of memories) or living in the future (in the case of fashion) and never the present? I feel like we've lost something here- something has slipped through our fingers.

In the next entry I will write (most likely after this church retreat), I will address this issue of nostalgia as I read from an excerpt of a book called 'Modernity at Large' by Arjun Appadurai. It talks about how nostalgia is created through the value of time- and how we live in the present through the past- a past that we never really experienced.