Power, Passion, Fashion, Providence.

Listening to: KEsha- Tik Tok. Obnoxiously good especially when walking to destination.

All I can think about is New York.

What a privilege it was to have lived there. I can't believe half of the things that I experienced there those past four years. From being crammed in a orphanage of dorm room with three other strangers to having gone from no friends to having my own Howl's Moving Castle. I lived in Union Square right off of Fifth Avenue: the center of the universe in Manhattan. If we wanted to do something, we could order tickets to see shows, take the 6 train to the MET or go for a walk to explore the neighbourhood restaurants. In the past few years I went to see Les Miserables with my roommate, Wicked with the Canadians, enjoyed Disney music by composer Alan Menken in Columbus Circle...
Wow, the life not many college students get to experience, I did.
Thanks.

I've been extremely frustrated with work. I'll refrain talking about it here because I ramble about it for an hour every day after I get back from work to my aunt or my mom. I'm frustrated with people's inability to choose sides. If you want to go for it: support it wholeheartedly so I can too fight for that thing you so want to see happen at the company. But don't then just say "who are you to tell the CEO what to do when he has had ten years of e-commerce experience and you are just a new employee" or "I want to write the articles for our company... but you can bring that up in the meeting. " -_- I'm confused. I'm confused by people who so desire for greatness but are not willing to put the time and effort into it. I am already 100% ready to mobilize, but what's a general without his soldiers?
My friend was telling me about this book I now really want to read called 'From Good to Great' about success in the business sector. From what I read so far, it speaks about achieving greatness as a discipline and not a default. I quite like it already having cracked up many times over many flaws I see in our company expressed in the book.
I suddenly realized two nights ago in concerns with my thesis business:
Money is not the hardest thing to find. Money, contrary to popular belief, is actually all around. Money is easily obtainable. The hardest thing to find is in fact a group of people who are equally passionate and driven to do the same work and to fulfill the same vision as you. For me, defining the philosophy of sustainable fashion can be extremely different from another green designer's way of thinking. I can have millions of dollars ready to be used to set up a business, but if my people are not passionate about making it work or have other ideas on how to execute it, the company would flop. It's why I am so envious of John Lasseter and his team at Pixar: they are all passionate and driven by the power of computer animation and creating worlds that their audience can connect with. Money can be earned but passion cannot be purchased.
So I've started praying, that if this is supposed to happen, God will bring the right people to me. Not just an investor with wads of money (because believe it or not I know many wealthy people here), but a person in sustainable fashion who has a vision similar to mine.

Today I was walking to the Star Ferry when I saw a man crumpled on the floor begging for money. I saw him in my peripheral vision but chose to ignore his existence as I tried to walk as far away from him as possible. I didn't know why he was bent in such a position on the floor but I couldn't tell anyway since I chose not to pay attention. But the farther I walked away from him, the weight of what I 'saw' became heavier. I remember when I was around six or seven, I was downtown Toronto with my mom. We were in the subway station and I saw a man begging and asked my mom to give him money. In response, she said we couldn't trust those people because they were probably fakers or drug addicts. From that day on, I never gave money to the poor- afraid out of my charity and good will, be cheated and misused.But today I had to wonder how many were cons and how many were truly in need. I wondered if I had given, even if it was a scam, if the money could be used for the better. It isn’t even I who determines how the money will be used, so why am I already assuming it’ll be used for selfish purposes? I suddenly felt the need to pray for God to send me someone for me to give to. I thought to myself, it isn’t possible that God has given me so much but so little to that man begging in one of the richest areas of Hong Kong. I don’t believe that I have been born into this position to keep it to myself. The more I think about it, the more troubled I feel over that crippled man. No, actually it’s how odd it is that we as people, can just so easily ignore the less fortunate who are so obviously asking for help.

I went to a Thanksgiving dinner at one of my colleague’s place since she too goes to the church I am now attending. I met a general manager of Coca Cola there. She told me she lived in Repulse Bay and I echoed that my grandmother and family live there also. Her immediate answer was, “you must be rich.”
I said, “that’s my grandmother. Not me.” It takes me aback when Christians make that a point of reference because of family association: her wealth isn’t even reflected in my own bank account. I wanted to say, “well so are you if you live there too.”
There are many wealthy people in this world but what they have isn’t even enough.

My colleague had a flu the past week and didn’t go to work; I was afraid she was going to infect me with it. And she did. I started getting symptoms which started off with fatigue and a somewhat sore throat. I’ve been reading Matthews the past while and am about to finish it tomorrow. I’ve noticed much about how faith heals people and two days after having a sore throat, I decided hey why not just ask God to take it away. I can’t touch Jesus’ cloak today but I can pray for it to be removed. That afternoon, I noticed it disappeared. Fluke or Faith? I choose to believe the latter- when I get a sore throat and I leave it untreated, it gets worse. I usually gargle saltwater or drink Chinese medicine but I didn’t do anything this time and it went away. Thanks for the mini miracles.

The battle of the Balmainites is on (think overpriced Michael Jackson garb and that’s what Balmain,a designer, is now known for). Suddenly I’m repulsed by anything with studs, body-con and booties. I was reading an article on fashion clones and realized I was veering towards that sharp-shoulder, everything black, tight and short with bare legs. Nooooooooo. I was thinking of opting for a black dress but decided last minute, perhaps I should go for a colour. I went dress shopping on Saturday. It was rather a successful trip. I found a dress in this store that played really loud Ne-yo and 50 cent but their saleswomen are all my mom’s age. Ahahaa. But it’s the silhouette and length I want it at. I also went for a really loud color I never really wear and would not wear (yet) out on the streets because I dislike being associated with the terms attached to it. Mmm… might as well finish off this year with a bang rather than fade in a sea of black (all the men have to wear tuxedos that night).
Spent less than $100 USD including alterations. Rah rah. Now to find a necklace but I think I’ll make it instead. Something oversized and chunky to balance out the dress. Let’s see if Sham Shui Po has the stuff I’m looking for but I highly doubt it. Shoes…. I have a pair of ‘stilettos’ that I lent to my cousin after I moved all my stuff back to TO thinking that I’d never need to wear them here. I remember I bought them after a guy once mentioned how I needed to wear stilettos to a semi formal and when I showed him my only pair of heels which were closed toe Mary Janes, he looked at me and reiterated ‘stilettos- the strappy, sexy kind.’ At that time, I really wanted to knock him on the head with the heel of my shoe but I refrained and found a pair of stilettos that didn’t look too stiletto-y because something about strappy heels really makes me think “high school cliché”. They have a thick glossy black heel that resembles a faceted crystal that comes to a point and the front is encrusted with oversized stones. At least that’s what I think they look like, I only wore them once before giving them to my cousin to wear for friends’ weddings. Bag: if I can find a hard shell plastic clutch that resembles a black giant Gusher. ROFL. I know, it sounds so appealing.

I’ve been talking to my aunt every night about my beliefs about business and how a good company should operate. Initially she thought I was arguing only from an aesthetic standpoint as a designer but now she’s told me I have a very strong sense of business but just not when it comes to numbers and accounting. That’s fine, HK’s a breeding ground of accountants. She asked me if anyone else thinks like me and I happily said no.
Anyway, work tomorrow. Praying for deliverance for how I see the next project shaping (obviously no one believes me nor does anyone really care because the more ‘power’, the more work. Power is welcome but more work isn’t). I’m frustrated because of the differences between me and the company but hey, I’ve been meditating on the first chapter of Joshua on the promise that God gave him:
“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. 8 Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. 9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

Be strong and courageous. God is with us.

Oasis

I went to a new church today.
I actually felt prompted to go to this particular church after having been told by two individuals within the same week that perhaps I should look elsewhere and they both recommended this church to me.

At first it went the same way. Went in anonymously, sat alone, worshiped by myself and was thinking about where to go for lunch afterwards. I was debating whether to explore the area or go to Central for a grilled vegetable sandwich. But at the door,I forgotten to pick up a bulletin so after the service, I went searching for one so I could contemplate coming back the following week. I had also forgotten my Bible and borrowed theirs which I had to return. It just so happened that a guy was sorting out the 'recycled' bulletins and the Bibles and he saw me staring at the bulletins and told me I could take one if I wanted. He then saw me look around the pile and asked me if I was new. Then introduced me to this other guy in a leather jacket- a super loud guy- who then assumed I could eat lunch with the group he was putting together. I didnt feel like going but I did. Out of the eight, another guy who was stopping by HK enroute to plant more churches in the north hailed from the Rocky Mountain are in Alberta and another, a regular, hails from Toronto. They treated me to lunch- a super welcoming bunch of Koreans. They then propose to get coffee nearby and to sit and just chill. Sure, why not, it was around 1:30 and we'd probably stay for an hour.
We ended up staying till 4. They began talking about what it meant to be a Christian an honoring God through work, money, time and relationships. I felt so blessed to just sit and listen to them sharing. You could say it was almost like fellowship/accountability. I felt so encouraged to hear them honestly share and open up about their own flaws and struggles with life. One girl is a trader,and she shared that she felt that it was wrong to be in an industry that was so money-driven yet when she quit, she realized that it didn't matter if it a money-centered industry so long as she honored God and placed Him first. As the leather jacket guy said, we are all meant to be leaders of our own field. Perhaps not in the 'CEO' way but spiritual leaders in the workplace.
But I think that this is the lie that the devil really tries to engrain into us. That the passion that God has placed on us are evil because we associate them with the existing industry which is, in the end, a broken one. We only see what we love as a sin and not as a gift from God. We then tell ourselves that it is something to be ashamed of because we only see the marketplace in its brokenness. When I heard that girl sharing about her own struggles as a trader, I recognized that in my life so deeply as a fashion student trying to find meaning in the cyclical life of fads in fashion. I shared with my colleague a few days ago how I used to be so ashamed about having an interest in fashion. I was so afraid to the point I'd hide magazines in my bag and under my bed. When I got into Elle magazine, I didn't want anyone to know because I didn't want them to ask how they contacted me. Even my parents didn't know. My colleague was so surprised because she sees me as totally different- like someone who doesn't care what other people think especially when I dress up for work in an environment where the standard is a t shirt and jeans. I think, only God can give us the freedom to not care what people think and to really embrace the unique gifts He gives us as long as they do not dominate us. I am beginning to understand what it is to love myself. That being me and loving what I have and was born with is not a sin, but a privilege as a child of God. I am beginning to really experience what it means to have freedom in Christ. I've stopped caring that our culture defines skinny as beautiful and being trendy as the definition of acceptance in Hong Kong. I have begun to embrace the physical me and not just who I am intellectually. I know that sounds strange but it really doesn't from someone who has been hiding under swathes of fabric in the name of 'fashion' when in fact, it was out of shame. Come to think of it, I used to keep myself totally covered because it was a mixture of not wanting to be accused for causing anyone to stumble to not wanting people to actually find me attractive to not wanting to acknowledge myself as attractive (all so messed up and contradictory at the same time). I never wore shorts, only skirts/dresses to the knees because I thought it was wrong. I realize that God has made me as I am because I am a reflection of His beauty. And God has made me leggy whether I like it or not. Perhaps not HK leggy but long/tall anyhow. It is up to me to decide whether to honor God with it or use it selfishly. You see, I want that fitted cocktail dress because I need to make myself understand that hiding beneath layers upon layers of ruffles will not solve any self esteem issues. I am not doing it for the opposite sex so much as I am now recognizing and trying to work through some deep hurt issues I've grown up with. I need to recognize my own uniqueness that defines me spiritually which will be manifested in the physical through my clothing choices. I do express myself through fashion and this is the challenge I place on myself: to find that fitted dress that will force me to find the confidence that my beauty is defined by my Creator. You know what? We Christians sing about the beauty of God, the splendor of all who He is. We sing 'You are beautiful beyond description' but most of us just think that because it is 'beyond description', His beauty is intangible and invisible. When we think of the beauty of God, we don't really believe that it is visible to the naked eye. We think it's something so wondrous and mystical that cannot be comprehended. Yet the wonderful thing about it is, is that the beauty of God can be seen in everything. That is the Alpha and Omega: that God is both humble and awesome at the same time. His humility is seen in plain sight: in a mere leaf that has turn crimson on the pavement. It is both the humility and complexity of this design that we can only say it is the work of God and ultimately, beautiful and awesome. Anyway that was a 'revelation' I had while brushing my teeth.
I still get breakouts, bad hair days and callouses but those things are fleeting. I still get anxious when I hit a creative block or as of recent, seen some very ugly photoshoot pictures but I know, that in the end, that I tried my best and that's all I can really do as a human. And I am content, even if this brand may not do well, because I know God is in control and He knows what He is doing. We know that our gifts do not define who we are, but we define ourselves in Him.

The leather jacket guy and his girlfriend, then shared with us their struggles as a new couple to stay together and offered a lot of insight on how to have a healthy relationship with Christ as the center. They spoke about vertical alignment (you and God) and horizontal alignment (you and people). Often we think that we can solve human relationship issues by saying "me and God will just deal with it.... then we can deal with humans" yet sometimes 'dealing' with humans brings us more vertically aligned with God (er I could learn from that.. I always think I can deal with people when I get 'right' with God first.. but sometimes God wants me to get right with people first in order to get right with Him. Wow.). Another guy shared with how he is preparing himself,as a single, to be married. Through studying the Bible on what it mean to be a godly husband to speaking to other couples, he is waiting for God by actively trying to build his own personhood and relationship with Christ. I found that extremely admirable.
We spoke about media as garbage. I shared with them how I stopped watching J-dramas because it was just emotional garbage. It's tempting,at times, to watch shows that are just brainless. Many friends have told me to watch Gossip Girl because I'd love the clothes but I've seen an episode and I can see how it can be addicting while total brain junk.
They shared about giving financially. I think this part of the conversation left me a little bewildered. Three quarters of these people are bankers, IB, traders, hedge fund thingamajigs... aka extremely wealthy people. In HK, it is sad, but you can tell how rich someone is just by asking them where they live. One lives on Old Peak Road, one lives in Elements, another lives in J Senses in Wan Chai(my cousin has been trying to get a suite there for a while now). But it was encouraging to see people with so much money, being so giving for the realize the material return will never been enough to satisfy them.
I think God is speaking to me. I have a sneaking suspicion that I know what God is now trying to show me. I won't say it now lest I am wrong but I think God is tryin to stretch my narrow mindedness. Sigh. It's quite funny at times when I think somethin is right for me, it really isn't.
But seriously today was one of the most engrossing, spiritually uplifting days I have had in HK. The best thing about it was that they didn't just count me as a new girl, they just treated me like everyone else but remained mindful that I didn't understand the name-throwing so sometimes they'd stop to just get me caught up. I've never seen such genuine Christians before so passionate about serving God together.
Man, they've sent me a ton of Christian podcasts to listen to when I get to work.

Work is School

The Cubicle Classroom
In light of what happened last week, I feel better.
Not that anything has positively happened with the whole project, in fact, I saw the photoshoot pictures yesterday and I can say with absolute certainty that they are awful. Perhaps the studio ones are decent- I mean- how wrong can you go with a few set lights and an off-white background? But seriously, the outdoor shots made me want to cry. If he could call himself a professional, why can't I? If she could call herself a model, why can't I?

I think most people don't see it like I do. The importance of getting it right the first time. Like I said, if I know 1+2=3, why are people insisting that 2+2=3? But I shall not waste my breath on arguing about this.

In the beginning, I started writing down notes on what I was learning at work as a conscious effort to remind myself 'treat work like school.' Although it is a whole different kind of classroom with no visible teacher at the chalkboard/whiteboard/projector, I think it is up to our own individual effort to learn be it social politics in the office to managing your workload. This is what I've learned so far:
-MAC workers (Genius Bar) are MAC users. Company members should be users of your own company because they can improve the system at the customer standpoint which is ultimately where your cash is coming from.
-Make your company vision clear. Do not give an excuse that it is 'complex' which comes off as uncertain.

Just as a warning: if you adapt my philosophy, prepare yourself, because you might get a load of homework like I did. -_-
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Attitude Defines
I think one of the nicest compliments someone has ever given to me was from my aunt the other day. After my rant about the branding, she said to me, "that's the good thing about you that I like. You have a good attitude. You don't just complain but you also do. Attitude defines everything you do."
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Music Defines Experience
One day I was wandering around the stores and I began tuning in to their store audio. If you want to learn about the customer a store is trying to appeal to, just listen to their music:
I.T: expensive, tailored, 'avant-garde' designer clothes located internationally. They play popular American music to enhance that 'international feel'
it: mid-priced, casual line. Mostly Asian brands. They play Japanese pop to appeal to locals who believe all that is Japanese is good.
D-Mop: Yohji, mixed designers from Asia and worldwide. They play lounge music for that european feel.

Interesting eh?
Boutique music reflects a store ideology and the aspirations of the consumer. It sets the mood and the tone of how you want the customer to feel when he/she is in your designed space.
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Eureka
I was having a not-so interesting day the past Friday. I started browsing a couple of fashion sites and thought to myself, why I never thought of starting one myself. Oh right, because although I do have an opinion on fashion, I actually don't think about it and immerse myself in it as much as other people do. I like observing and shopping but not really into viewing designers as celebrities. It's too exhausting to remember what designer launched what cruise line. In the end, I don't really care. What I do care about, though, is what I wear. So I am toying with the idea of doing an extremely narcisstic project. OH right, no friends means actually being self-absorbed. But yeah, I have to consider the logistics and if I really want to commit to a long-term project.

Anyway as I was doodling around with layouts at work, I had a Eureka moment.
Remember my portfolio? My non-existent portfolio that I stopped doing altogether for the sake of a rebranding project at work. Oh you recall? Yes that one. Well, a concept just landed on my head within that hour and really crowned my day. I went grocery shopping today after my half day of work (yes, welcome to HK) and I could visually see my entire portfolio unfolding in my head. Let me tell you that is extremely rare. I usually have a verbal idea which I then express on paper and then visually manifest. But this time, I could see all these images flying in my head of different options and different ways of pitching it. I think I know what I want and how to sell myself as a designer with my own unique set of capabilities.
I was telling a colleague all this last night and she mused that I kept myself so preoccupied. I thought coming to HK, my creativity would come to a halt but actually, I think I've been pushed a lot more to pro-actively do stuff. Like the brand project, like my portfolio and even to my halloween costume.

You see, I am in a way lonely. The thing is is that I sort of don't really care because I am living with my mom's best friend and I know I have good friends back home. So although I am physically separated from them, I still think of them every day. Today, yes, today in NYC Epiphany 09 will take place. I still recall the one last year- it was really a pivotal moment in many ways socially. Thinking about it makes me wonder why I didn't cherish those times when I had the chance. Yet I chide myself for even thinking that when I should be doing that now- loving HK because God has placed me here.
It hurts- not physical pain, but it hurts to know that some of those times which you thought were so regular instantly become something rare. Cafe Zaiya and Kinokuniya every Tuesday. It's true, the boring things are the memories that stick with you in the end. They are a mark of fleeting normalcy.
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Egg Tart Friends
I don't want to complain but I really do not like flaky friends. It's even worse when you can't complain about it because you realize they are human in the end and we all make mistakes. But I am starting to get fed up because I never knew flaking was possible via Internet until I got Skype.
I hate registering for new fads especially when it comes to computer gadgets. Leave me alone- I just recently was forced to get the latest MSN (I still had the version without all the weird boxes and colors and distractions). But I got Skype for a reason. I got Skype to talk to my friends and family in North America.
But seriously, after being 'stood up' six times by three people who I consider my closest, I am just fed up. I hate having to hover over my laptop for half an hour wondering if I got the time wrong or if something happened. I can't do it. I am a mulitasker and what Skype does, is not. I have to sit and stare and look somewhat decent. But when the clock passes 15 minutes from the time we agreed upon, I start hoping they don't go on so I can just move away from the laptop.
Sigh. I understand. All the reasons for them not showing up on Skype was because they slept in (ok one was that she had to go to hospital to see someone) but as much as I want to understand, I can't help but wonder why we even bothered to set the date up in the first place.
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My next mini amusement: look for a hot cocktail dress for New Years. I rarely wear dresses these days so nothing in the cocktail category really appeals to me. Unless Alexander Wang decides to do a few, I won't jump. What style do I like these days? Alexander Wang's collection = drool. I don't own a pair of sweatpants. I don't consider the Slingers one as owning one since it was given to me and I never wore them. But after seeing his take on them, I may get a pair (not from him, too expensive but Zara has a couple of decent ones).
I love shopping. Yeah, I know, it's a woman's thing. It's girly (I still hate that word). Hear me out. I love it because it is a solo activity. I love it because it allows me to be socially observant while being productive. Unlike eating which I find rather awkward to do alone or watching movies alone seems weird because it's nice to have someone to discuss it with or physically share with, shopping is an activity that I have a good enough opinion on that I don't really need someone to do it with. I know what I like, where to go and what to get so when I'm by myself, I go shop and eat at a food court. Plus as an extrovert, I'm constantly surrounded by other people browsing too. When I get bored of the racks, I start people-watching. But shopping doesn't really mean buying either. In this humdrum of fashion clones, it's disappointing not to see much.
For instance, HK people don't dress up thus finding this non-existent cocktail dress will be difficult. I know the general silhouette I want: fitted, woven material, above the knee, strapless or draped front in a black or dark hue (unless a tasteful gold/metallic). I want to look good for my own amusement's sake. Ok, mb that's 90% of the reason. The other sliver of that pie remains unwritten.

And... My Macbook Pro is finally up and running, complete with CS4 installed on it. Except I'm typing this entry on my HP while my Macbook Pro is still on. =S

Ok I am so sleepy. Trying a new church tomorrow. Sigh. Here we go again.

Half Full. Half Empty.

The crazy markets in Korea.... I don't understand how our earth is still alive after this much crap we pump into it.

Why, hello.

I've MIA-ed from blogging the past month was because every single night I've been working on numerous rebranding booklets for my company.

I'm back from Korea.
Where do I start.
Yesterday my boss saw me visibly extremely angry and I didn't even try to hide it. Having only slept four hours the past night in Korea after lugging seventy pieces from our new collection back to my hotel room to style into looks, I was pissed, stressed, tired and frustrated.

Essentially the past four days, I got a free trip to Korea to go shopping for clothes and to help style. Hello, why should I complain? But the fact is that the people who run this business, run a business.

The area around the office. Super relaxing.

Day 1

The first day, we arrived at the Korea office and had a meeting with the merchandisers to brief them on the new way of buying. They took us to eat budae jigae (I requested it but it still wasn't good as NYC's Pocha 32- I guess the company of good friends does make things taste better) and then my boss and I headed to a night market to check out the styles and prices so I could mentally prep for the next few days. I was alarmed. The area was very MK- loud clubbing music outdoors, peopel lugging huge bags of clothes out onto the pavement waiting for busses to cart them away. The prices were ridiculously high. Now I know why H&M and Zara do so well: they have their own factories that cuts cost extremely low. Even at wholesale price, I could probably find something just as nice or even nicer at Zara at retail price. That night I was praying hard because I didn't see anything that could work with our collection.

Day 2

9:30 we were at Dongmyo to start our first round of retail buying. Ended up with 27 out of 70 pieces for our collection. I pulled out my hand to take the bag from the shopkeeper and she looks and says "ippuda!" Apparently Koreans have stubby fingers. We went back to the office with our huge bags and did quality control checking to make sure we could ship out the garments. Our company treated us out to dinner for bulgogi. I FOUND RED MANGO. kekeke

The office outside. Beautiful trees.

Day 3
9-3:30: shopping marathon. We purchased the remaining pieces of our collection. I couldn't believe we did it. I was given a very small sum of money for this new collection and in the end, we had 71 items. Prior to this, the merchandisers would only buy t-shirts for $10 a pop but since I wanted to introduce more tailored items such as dresses, jackets and accessories which are pricier, I was initially extremely afraid that I wouldn't be able to meet the 70 item requirement. Sulongtang for lunch, another round of yogurt frappes at a local coffee shop and Korean fried chicken for dinner (omg... KFC makes me sick but I could eat Korean fried chicken forever). Then from 9:30 till 3:30 I was at my hotel room styling looks on myself (note to self: insist on getting a fit model next time).

Day 4
Taught the merchandisers how to style the garments and how to piece them together for the photoshoot. Stopped by Dunkin Donuts for souvenirs (how ironic, us Americans) and then flew back.

All in all, it was a stressful but good trip. I enjoyed being away from everything, especially my computer for four days. The area that the office is located is in this really nice picturesque neighbourhood with small cafes and Korean restaurants. The trees had turned lemon yellow and the air as brisk- it reminded me of Canada and the autumn I never had in freaking hot Hong Kong.

But yesterday, I just hit rock bottom. As soon as I got off the plane, back home and had dinner, I started to work again. But I was so tired I couldn't coordinate my hands and head to type out all the style numbers to send to Korea. And then I was back in the office on Friday, and mentally brokedown in front of my boss. The exhaustion from carrying the weight of this project just got to me last night. My colleague gave me an update on the brand web template which we had brainstormed together and I last minute, gave up my baking to design yet another visual book so that they could organize the design and IT teams to start the project while I was in Korea. Turns out, there isn't enough time nor do people want to really start this project. So now the whole template has been watered down to very little change which doesn't work with the philosophy of this brand.

I was burning with anger. I'm not angry because of their ignorance of fashion, I am angry that I am presenting a solution that '1+2=3' but instead, they insist on trying out '1x2=3' or '1-2=3'. In Korea, I asked the merchandisers if they had a steamer to iron all the clothes out prior to this coming Monday's shoot. They said no because they never needed one before. No kidding, your collection used to consist of T-shirts but now we have dress shirts, blouses and jackets. That seriously alarmed me. I was actually very scared after they reported that to me because that thought never crossed their minds. Were you seriously expecting to just throw on wrinkled dress shirts on the model to be photographed? I was mortified. Any fashion person would be mortified. It is the one thing that designers are anal about when presenting a runway collection. Thankfully, they are getting a steamer, clothing rack and lint roller for Monday.

But now this whole web template is pissing me off. I am pissed off because there is no leader in this whole project. I am only a lowly assistant so I can't order IT and Design team to do what I want but I have thought through this entire friggin process for a reason- not to say it's a 'me, me, me' project- initially I never mentioned to anyone that I was in fact doing most of the work because I truly wanted to see this go through and if it meant giving credit where credit was not due, so be it.I thought about the entire process from web layout to merchandising and styling to photography to the philosophy of the company to the target customer because I wanted to see this thing actually run so I wanted to answer all the questions so that the numerous teams wouldn't run into any problems. But the fact is that I have been stretched so thin that I am exhausted, stressed and tired. I initially planned to have my portfolio site up and running for December which I sacrificed for this project. I stayed up every night for the past three weeks doing this, getting things printed and sent to the appropriate teams because I knew the deadline was fast approaching. And then I was told this was going to be a failure by the leaders. Leaders, in my opinion, need to be optimistic and need to spearhead a project by getting people together to go in one direction- don't tell me it's going to fail. If you tell your employees that it's going to fail BEFORE it happens, why should anyone want to invest in a perceived failure?

ARGH. I just wanted to cry yesterday except I was more angry than sad. I went out to eat but didn't feel hungry so I wanted to get some retail therapy to make myself feel better but I didn't feel like shopping. You know there is a problem when I don't feel like eating or shopping. I just felt lost and purposeless.

My last bargaining chip is in these photos. I don't know how this photoshoot is going to look (my gut says they won't look good because I have issues with that model. Come to think of it EVERYONE has issues with the model save one person), but right now I am banking on the styling and the collection itself. I don't know why God is making it so difficult to do anything here, but I trust there is a reason.

Here we are again. I am standing at the point that I was struggling with last year. I realized, no matter at what age you are at, people often just throw their words around. They want a brand relaunch, so I went through with it only to realize that their words really meant nothing. I take people's words too seriously but that is because I truly want to believe what people say actually matters. But in the end, the only person that is disappointed, is me. Because I valued what they say but down the road, saw that they weren't sincere.

I was supposed to see a movie with a colleague last night too but apparently she forgot and scheduled to play mahjong with friends. Great, my greatest two pet peeves: flakers and people who throw words around all in one day.

I want to start my own company. If the only person to take me seriously is me especially when I've been OTing every night, I might as well be my own CEO. I can save a few white hairs on my head and get ahead somewhere. At least when I'll be fighting, I'll be fighting for what matters and what I want personally in my own thesis company- not internally trying to rally people who I technically have no power over. I watched 'Up' again on the plane ride there. You ask why I am obsessed with Pixar. John Lasseter, the founder of Pixar, came realizing that if he wanted his dream to be realized, he had to do the hard work. He stayed up hours and hours over the computer animating. That kind of humility as a leader really speaks to me. Leaders should know how to lead. They need to provide suggestions on how to get people to solve a problem and be more involved in the issues that need to be worked out. You do not simply say "here is a problem. Brainstorm and get back to me." -_-

I am extremely moralistic. I am also extremely logical. The latter was created thanks to a fear I derived at my Toronto church. People always thought "oh those artistic people are always about feelings. They don't think with their heads." With that kind of thought, those who deigned themselves as 'philosophical' drove me to be extremely logical in my arguments for design. Everything I did these past few weeks for the brand launch was logically thought out with a reason beyond "just to make it pretty". And now they are giving me extremely illogical reasons to why they want things done the way they are. That makes me even more frustrated because now the tables have turned. The business people are the illogical, feely ones and I am the designer who thinks with the head. They say "just do it," without little regards to how.

You ask me if I see the glass half empty or half full. I say, if the glass exists, it was designed to be filled and not empty.

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