Non-Style: My Style

Now THIS is hot. I love it. Cult dressing: dressing in all black with variations and spin offs of each other. From The Sartorialist, a street style photographer blog's site (www.thesartorialist.blogspot.com)

Non-Style
I have many friends in design whom have a distinct style: one is the architectural Euro prep, another the forlorn Margiela fashionista, another the simple t-shirt and denim arts type, yet another the graphic urban consumer and still another the vintage and overblown jewellery shopaholic. These characters are sources of inspiration, perhaps not in the way I dress per se but in the way fashion plays into personality.
Despite what people say about Lady Gaga, I am impressed by her ability to brand herself so strongly with such a bold visual identity. She knows what she likes and she just does it. I love it.
As for myself, I have very few preferences in my taste in music and fashion: it’s very eclectic according to my current needs or viewpoints. When it comes to music, I listen to R&B, hip hop, rap and pop at work- it’s the only thing that gets me pumped up to work. My colleague and I listen to Kiss 98.5 and schmooze to Taylor Swift’s ‘You Belong With Me’ and have declared this as our song. Also:
A Milli
Drop it Low
Paparazzi
One Time (although I find it sad that the debut song of this talented 14 year old kid is about eros love. I think there are better things that could be sung about than about girlfriends- this hyper sexualized culture that we live in these days -_-)

In fashion, I sway a lot so it’s odd when someone tells me, “oh that garment looks so you” What is that supposed to mean? My absence of a consistent style depresses me somewhat- it seems that characters that stick with a style seem to know who they are by what they like and dislike. I, on the other hand, can’t stand dressing one way for too long: that’s what the thirties are for.

If fashion has taught me anything, it has taught me that if I am to declare myself as a ‘fashionista’ (blech) I have to emulate that sort of lifestyle. To be ‘fashionable’ you must possess not only the knowledge but the ability to live it out fearlessly. You may look extremely odd in platform wedges and drop-crotch harem pants to the normal person, but you tell yourself “they don’t understand this is the IT thing this season- I am fashionable.” To be fashionable is to be fearless despite the odd looks, the quizzical glances from the boyfriend (um is that supposed to be ‘sexy’?) I wear what I wear because I like it: when I show leg it’s not because I want to seduce a boy, it’s because I think that length of pant balances out the volume of my shirt. But I somewhat understand how the male eye works: Woosung street is a street I stay away from when I’m not in jeans. There’s a hotel with a bunch of valet parking guys who, when not fetching cars, stand around and check girls out and it’s really creepy when they do it because it’s absolutely silent save the smirks on their faces. There are times when I reach my point that when I walk past I glare back at them.
Today was ‘dress in disco’ day. I literally looked like a rainbow barfed on me: we had to ‘catwalk’ it down the corridor in front of the entire company- however only a small handful of people participated. Chinese people don’t dress weird on occasions such as these- blending in is better than standing out.
Yet in all of this, fashion has taught me to not care about what other people think. Similarly it has taught me an attitude I have to adopt as a Christian. I really have to not care if people know the way I live is because I believe in God just like how I think lace-up boots are hot. Just today, two people pointed out that I was the ‘good girl’ to which I wasn’t sure how to respond. Last week, upon telling him thI wan't the clubber type, goes "oh so you're the good girl who likes to go on picnics." But when I think about it, it’s good. It’s good that I’m associated with ‘goodness’. And during the summer three other guys pointed this out as well. Initially it was annoying to be typecasted into such a 'genre' but it takes a lot of effort to be good, and even more to be good and a rebel (as in counter-culture): most people think because I am a Christian, swearing is not an issue for me. Yet what most people do not know is that it takes me a lot of effort to consciously monitor what I say in order to keep my mouth clean. I do not believe in swearing despite what people say about the ‘evolution of words’ because I don’t know how people will perceive me if associated with vulgar language- and how I weed out non-Christians from Christians is by the words they say. As James says, if we praise God with our lips and curse humans with the same tongue, are we not double-minded? Similarly though I am tempted to swear because it‘s so common, I avoid it to avoid confusion.

It’s been difficult to get the wardrobe I sketched out earlier due to very few stores selling the things I want and if they do, probably do not fit me. But I got myself a leather skirt and a pair of ankle cuff heels- all black and I love it. The heels cut my ankles short and are far from the sex, but whatever, I like them. In my non-style, the greatest thing about this like my citizenships is the ability to swing from one thing style to another and totally being able to ‘own the look.’ I asked him once what he thought defined my style and he said, “you’re not slutty… your style is a little Asian fobby fused in with European: East/West mix.”
Perfect.

Praise and Prophecy in Pain

The reason why I wrote the entry I did last night was in part to express present frustration in the hopes that in the future, to see how God moves from our brokenness to wholeness.

The second reason why I wrote last night's entry was to show you and I how God is moving in the midst of pain in the present.

Last week I wrote that on Friday and Saturday I was meditating on the song, 'Came to My Rescue' by Hillsongs and that Sunday it was the second song sung at our worship service. I said it was no coincidence, that in this 'prophetic nature', God was just letting me know that He was present in the midst of loneliness.

Yesterday during worship at the young adults fellowship, the song 'Agnus Dei' by Michael W Smith, popped into my head. I had no idea why because we were singing some other song, but when I came home last night I youtubed it and placed it on my blog.
Why?
Because I prayed that yesterday and today, Sunday, God would bring this song up during service like He did last week.
God, I prayed at service today, if I am to stay here, will you let Agnus Dei comes up during worship?
First song, second song and then there was time of meditation/instrumental.
In the midst of that I began to pray for all that happened last night, in all that occured, I realized despite how I thought of myself as more socially ept and ready to face new churches, in reality, I was extremely weak. I am easily discouraged and easy to fall back on old patterns of social response.
And then there it was, a clear distinct,
Alleluia
And then louder still,
Alleluia

By the time they reached, 'For the Lord God Almighty reigns' I had my face in my hands, bawling.
This time, it was the third and final song.
It is true that in your time of need, God is there and that is when His presence is felt the strongest. I guess it was somewhat prophetic in nature that I was told what songs would be played at worship the day before its occurence (and those who are Christian know the vast number of potential songs that COULD be chosen). Yet at the same time, it was really for not the benefit of anyone save myself to obtain confirmation from Him. I think God uses songs to minister to me due to my 'artistic' nature- I connect with God on a worship basis over say, books or listening to Ravi. I think those things are great, but for me, I love praising God through music. See, I don't sing in front of people, but for God who looks beyond the song and to the motivation, He deserves my praise despite my lack of vocal ability.
But that moment, really just did it for me, it really did bring a sense of peace and comfort.

I love this passage from Romans 8:

37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


I can do all things in Christ who gives me strength.

Social Breakdown

This song popped into my head today.

Sigh.
The hurts and fears concerning church and fellowship that have grown in me since I began to move are still very much a part of me that I'm finding difficult to divorce from.

Today I went to the church's young adult fellowship. In reality, it's more like a mini service except with all young adults. Towards the end of the service, there was intecessory prayer for a good hour or so (at least that's what it felt like). It was 9:30 by the time I felt like I had enough so I was about to leave when one of the intecessory prayer people came up and sat next to me to see if I needed prayer. The first thing she asked was "so how was your week?" I told her it was good and I just moved here. She then asked me, "so what are you struggling with?" I told her I wasn't really struggling with anything, just trying to wait for God to bring me to a home church. She then quips, "just to warn you, you should wait for God to do that."
Yeah I know that.
So she prays for me, she says "God I pray that you bring struggles to her in her workplace so that You will break her and she will come to know You more."
UHHHHH WHAT THE HECK. So at the same time I was praying "God, don't listen to her. She doesn't even know me."

Honestly, I hate these intecessory prayers if people don't know you. She doesn't know me, she doesn't know that God's graced me with this job and that although I don't think my work is that terribly exciting, I am waiting for God to show me the reason why I'm here. I am not really struggling with anything besides looking for a church, which I just have to be patient with.
Brokenness is good when you've plateau-ed and I have CERTAINLY NOT plateau-ed.

Sometimes Christians have to understand that in prayer we need not have to pray for brokenness, sometimes, we can just give praise and thanksgiving because of His goodness. Prayer does not mean pain. And that's been me in my prayers this whole month- there are things I am struggling with that I don't believe everyone has to know about save my acc.partners but all in all, therefore I am joyful that God has been working in my life.
Today the Young Adults pastor asked us to, for a minute, think about the awesomeness of God. When I dwelled on His greatness, I just started to cry. I don't know why, it just comes out of sheer gratitude. Which is all the more reason why I really despised that prayer that she gave me. I had a good week, just thank God for that.

Thus I left quite annoyed and frustrated. I stood in the lobby while everyone was eating and I felt a total sense of loneliness drape across my shoulders. How am I supposed to get in? In my frustration I tried to sneak out quickly but the young adults pastor called me out of the elevator. I was so frazzled because I wasn't expecting to have to talk to anyone that I started trembling as he asked me why I seemed so upset. He made me sit in a corner and talk to him, and I started crying again. Crying as I told him that I felt just when God gave me a home church in NYC, I was yet again uprooted. Crying at the goodness of God for providing for me. Crying because when we sang 'Mighty to Save' I started to get extremely homesick for RWC. Crying because I was afraid that I'd be reduced to that same cycle of going to church and leaving alone like I did for a whole year in my freshman year. Crying because I had no idea how to integrate myself into a church when I've been serving as the active Welcomer at RWC for two years.
He told me that I had to find healing in this area (not sure how but ok) and that he was quite touched by the fact that I was so in love with my New York church. He said he wasn't sure if I was being sincere or just good at fake crying and with boys (that snide little comment really annoyed me- because in all sincerity I am opening up to you and now you're just saying I'm trying to be manipulative.. I was trying to make a clean exit so that no one had to see me freak out) but he would cut me a deal: he would commit this following month to try to connect me with people and I would serve and attend whatever functions he wanted me to be at. If, by the end of the month, I still didn't feel at home, I could leave without any grudges. I'm okay with that. He then starts to talk about the disintegration of their old welcoming ministry which had to go due to the lack of people serving. Perhaps, he said, he would put me on the team to start it up again. Although he thinks that newcomers should be more pro-active in seeking for church friends, I find it difficult to say that EVERYONE should be like that. If we're all created differently with different personalities and such, there is bound to be a large group of people who are not outgoing enough to say "hi, I'm new, so I need new friends." As I said before, my ability to serve on Welcoming comes from pains such as this: how do you integrate a new person when Sunday and Saturday services are more about facing the front than fellowship? And if you cannot go to small groups until you're 'committed', how does one find friends and a community if they don't have existing friends at that church? That is the problem with this church.
He then introduces me to a few other people, one guy in particular who is a SG leader and went to UofT. It was interesting to talk to him because he understands Toronto churches like I do (Toronto churches being more apologetics and knowledge-driven due to uni surroundings while this HK church is more worship-driven).

I left, exhausted and extremely tired around 10:30. Grabbed McD's on the way out but I don't think eating french fries and slurping orange juice while speed walking is a good idea. :S

Yeah, what can I say, I'm broken in a sense. And I'm tired. I miss RWC. I miss meaningful prayers that my acc. partners gave me, rather than ones that come from a 'textbook' christian prayer.

On the flipside, I love the people at my workplace. I find that they are the friendliest bunch ever- perhaps more so than a lot of Christians. One girl, who is from Australia, when I told her I didn't have any friends here, she immediately invited me to her bbq at Sai Kung to meet her fashion mag friends. She's also asked me to become flatmates in CWB even though I've only talked to her twice. She knows Mr. Hong Kong which I find friggin hilarious. The coworker who I work directly with, we sit back to back and talk on icq: she tells me about all her boy problems, sings songs from Delilah's radio show, and babbles about how stupid some of the products are on our site. We've gone shopping for a wedding outfit for her in Central, networking event and eat out for lunch. Another coworker of mine, we get along really well just because we both like to talk about food. She also sends me really good articles (such as the ones in the previous entry) and we talk a lot of about fashion (she's into bags and I with clothes). We'll sit at Maxims talking about how to improve our work site and stuff.
Dang, I just need to find these kind of friendships at church now.

Patience, patience, patience.

Fashion Fall/Winter09// Death of the Ugly Duckling

Saw this at the Kiyomizu Temple in Kyoto. Thought it was just a nice little touch that they used made this alternating coloured rope

Work work work.
I've been reading Genesis again, concerning the lives of those prior to Joseph. Now when I used to read this book, nothing really spoke out to me. There's something about the Old Testament that I find harder to comprehend and relate with. Anyway, I came across the earlier years of Jacob's life and was really encouraged by the diligence and the patience that he had despite being mistreated and cheated by his own father-in-law.
Okay, lo lik dee ah.

If and when I do get a minimalist loft apartment, I want this:
Ginormous Luxo Lamp
I call dibs on this thing and if any one of my friends buys it and I find it in their house, I'm carting it away. kekeke.



As you can see from above, this is the Samantha Fall/Winter 2009 Look. In efforts to 'save' money, I decided to plan out my own personal collection of clothes to wear every day according to elements I've become really interested in. In essence the collection is very much a reminder of my time in NYC- I miss it a lot and I've noticed all the looks my eyes are drawn to tend to lean towards that type of style:

Downtown New York:
Alexander Wang meets Diesel aka
Simple, sleek 'off duty model' (as coined by the press) mixed with layers (because I'm a big big layers fan)
Leather and jeans, garage glamorous-as sung by Lady Gaga
Colour palette: a lot of black, white and nudes (this has become my favoured scheme this spring and shall carry on till end of Spring'10 with black and nude dresses). Shots of denim blue, lemon yellow and purple with the occasional burgundy due to my last season's pair of H&M skinnies.

Silhouette:
+Short and structured, body hugging: denim shorts, pencil skirts, draped grecian skirts belted at the waist.
+Relaxed V neck t shirts with vests.
+Leather pieces: I NEED A LEATHER JACKET RAWR. The aim is to get a motorcycle style jackee that is NOT cropped: trouble is most leather jackets for girls hit the waist but I want it to hit the pelvic bone. Has to have a little hardware but zippers cannot be in some tacky yellow gold, must be burnished 'aged' gold. If it is to be a fake, it must have a nice waxy leather feel to it, not shiny or that trendy 'laundered' look. Blech. Not too many trendy embellishments like studs or tassels. And no ribbing on the hems: just pure leather. And no exterior patch pockets: must all be welt/inset pockets for a nice minimalist look. Yeah, good luck finding that eh. This jacket does not exist.
+In addition to this, I have been searching for a leather pencil skirt (not to be worn with the above non-existent leather jacket) for two years now and I'm about to give up.
+Figure hugging dresses (I guess that means I should exercise after work...)
+Legs, legs, legs: I can't wait till Fall so that I can wear shorter layers without looking like a skank. Shorts with tights or stirrup tights and gladiator sandals. I like the whole shorts+tights+t shirt+leather jacket+boots look.. yum yum (see top right figure for an idea). Or with my array of skinny jeans/pants.
+I <3 Jackets: Top it off with my boyfriend blazer, or peacoat sitting on the shoulders like a mini cape.
+I need a cable knit shrug with sleeves: I drew it on the center figure but no one does cable knit ecasue it's expensive. Paired with my love for gloves.
+Classic gold and black stud bangles and jewelry that I've always loved: Napoleonic style.

Others
+Hair: either side ponytail, high up in a bun or all down: still want to grow it out (ergh but looking at korean girl bands like 'Brown Eyed Girls' makes me want to cut it into a boy-short bob)
+I want aviators. H&M is selling a pair I want for $70 HK. HMMMMM...
+I want ankle boots with a heel. I really want to wear heels now. I stopped cuz I was towering over the majority of guys but now I really want to wear heels again. Chunky ones that make them go "ew" but make me think "dang I'm tall"

So in total, I will need to get: the leather jacket, cable knit shrug, denim blue shorts, lace-up ankle boots, leather skirt, one body hugging dress.
Hm, not bad. And will add a few more basics here and there.

ARGH when is my first pay check coming in. What people do as an escape/recreation/hobby/pastime (shopping), I actually do this for a living. Every day I look and write about clothes yet I can't buy anything.
Lolol if you think it's funny that I'm writing a self commentary on what I will be wearing this following season, no worries, I think it's hilarious too. But in efforts to keep everything within an 'okay' budget and to ensure that I don't start buying the stupidest things at Mongkok, I have drawn it out as guides to adhere to. This will help me select and combine things for work early in the morn without too much effort. It also brings to conscious exactly how my beliefs systems work in reflection with my fashion. I've teetered from extremely girly and vintage to androgynous so it's good to pinpoint current obsessions early on.

Frick Burberry Prorsum's latest collection featured the exact same skirt that I've been wearing this past spring/summer in the same nude/black color palette. Makes me me sad: my acc. partner and I realized back in May that we were both leaning towards that color combo and remember saying "look out, it's going to be in very soon."
Now look what's happened. Not to say we set trends but it's quite amusing to see how everyone begins to have the same preferences after a while. =S


On this topic of fashion and I guess beauty, I accompanied my coworker to a mixer networking event for singles on Wednesday night. I became her 'wingman' sipping my orange juice (was hard to look 'grown up' when you're drinking something that's kid-friendly) and we were first approached by this German man trying to sell us his line of watches (thought of Josh right away.. lolol.. germany!).
He asked us "so are you guys looking for your next victim?"
I said motioning to my colleague, "No, I'm just with her."

Um, little did I know that most people take that as I'm her lesbian partner. Frick. My social skills need some tweaking. My coworker burst out laughing and tried to remedy my blunder. Ah well. I'm a content editor but what can I say? I WAS OFF WORK.

We stand around, now with my new gained knowledge on observing the opposite sex, I saw this guy who kept glancing at my coworker so I mouthed to her there was this dude who seemed interested. But another guy came by and started speaking to us. Get this, his name is 'Alan Tam'. ROFL. I met the real one in Las Vegas but anyway. He was a fob who lived in NYC for half a year. He seemed quite fascinated by the fact that I was one of those inbetweens: not a fob nor totally whitewashed. Right after he said "hi" he said "I'm awkward." LOL. Way to introduce yourself, but anyway, I glaze over those things because... I'm awkward too! And I actually say that to make things even more awkward and therefore, personally, more funny.
Long story short, his other guy friend came as well: someone from Australia who also seemed interested in my coworker but we ended up talking and seemed to have very similar approaches to business. Talked about the design system of Goretex and how I believe that business is design and design is business. Kind of surprising actually for initially I thought he was an idiot since he asked me if I clubbed and I said "no", his immediate response was, "oh so you're the type of person who likes to go on picnics" --__-- I shot back "well you're probably the type who goes clubbing a lot... and if we added you on facebook, you probably would immediately untag yourself in all those drunk pictures." (he denied being the clubbing type).
But... it was an interesting evening. Met three people who lived in NYC, one guy who was genuinely interested; now I know what to look for: you can see a lot in your periphery if they're looking at you...along with complimenting us as 'beautiful' and saying he thought it was cute that I had an accent when I speak Cantonese.
Iono, I like compliments but most of the time if it's coming from someone from the opposite sex that I don't really know, I get really sketched out. I think he meant it in a nice way, but I have a hard time accepting those as honest words of kindness that don't expect anything back.
Anyway, I go home to shower and relax, get a call from someone else. We talk about the US Open (or more like I mixed up Roddick with Roger. :S) and somehow along the way he says that the US Open champion's reach was as long as my legs.
What??
I guess it doesn't help that he has an Australian accent and I'm really not used to hearing accents other than Americans anymore. He asked me and so he knows I have a hard time understanding him at times.
But I'm embarrassed. In all honesty, I dress for myself and what I find pleasure in. Fashion is my creative outlet therefore it has made me really self conscious lately when boys started pointing out my legs or when I see someone doing the elevator eyes. To me, my legs are normal just as I think my fingers are normal. Yet to others, I have the 'piano ET skeleton fingers'. It's why I can't wait till autumn so I can put tights on and wear all my short skirts and shors without feeling over-exposed.

After the mixer my coworker said to me, "they were interested in you because you looked really pretty today."
All I could think of was "Oh I am? Really? How? Did I do my hair right today? Or perhaps I'm wearing the right style of clothes and suddenly it clicks with people." And I had to friggin stop myself from this irrational thinking.
Today my coworker gave me this article, it's so witty and I love the elaborate descriptions: AA Gill on British Beauty.
I wish I could write like that.

In all honesty, I think most of us like to stick to 'ugly'. When one person says "oh I'm so ugly today.. I have bags under my eyes and my clothes don't match" most of us automatically become the "oh-no-you-didn't-just-say-that" robot. I was listening to Taylor Swift's 'You Belong With Me' song and how she compares her sneaker and t shirt self to her crush's cheerleader, high-heel-and-miniskirt wearing girlfriend. We all love playing that ugly duckling because we think that someone will tell us otherwise. We love playing ugly because, well, it takes guts to say "I'm beautiful." We think beauty is high maintenance: once you declare that status, you must live up to it. It's safer to stick to ugly- to stick to the ugly duckling until a 'higher calling' arises which usually comes in the form of a boyfriend. The boyfriend is not known for his personal character nor his moral standards but on how well he can become the one to affirm that you are now no longer 'the ugly duckling'. I think this article so well sums what's been happening in society on girls who go clubbing:
This is what’s wrong with women today,” one of the boys says. “They’re after affirmation by exciting other males. They look the part, they excite potentiality, but never, ever deliver.”

It's true. I do it- perhaps not as apparent against the clubbers, but there are times when I just really want affirmation and nothing else. I also think in that mentality, "I want to be in that stunning group of girls." (and it's not hard when your friends are from a fashion school) And this is why I'll say it again, talkers are dangerous. Never, ever date a talker. And I keep drilling this into the head of my colleague.

While whe world tells you to seek the swan but live the ugly duckling, I think in the end, the concept of the swan must already be built in to our heads for us to be really good people with healthy boundaries. Often I find my boundaries cross when I think 'ugly duckling' and go out of my way to see who thinks I am otherwise.
Beauty can come with modesty. The beauty that goes a long way is not external, it has always been internal. So although I am predominantly speaking about external beauty here because I struggle the most with internally believing in my external being, I am emphasizing the fact that this should not be the end but the beginning of rebuilding an extremely warped self-image.

Validation will get you nowhere until it starts from within. It's why people go out to constantly get that emotional high from being affirmed by others.

Funnily enough, this past month I've come to appreciate my God-given attributes particularly because I'm really shedding out of my teenage-phase. Suddenly I don't mind curves as much, or my height, a little softness in the legs than sticks, and long black hair that hasn't been dyed like straw. Yes, perhaps a bit of it comes from recent compliments and realizations that hey, actually, I'm actually quite pretty. I'm not super Lolita cute like one of my friends or anime pretty like another, but I am what they aren't and those are my defining points. What I've always loved about my female friends was the differences I saw between us: I could never be them and that's what I was attracted to so I should love myself for not being just like them.

I am beautiful, as I am. That's hard to swallow. It makes me embarrassed and self conscious and yet, very new. I'm afraid of being laughed at, suddenly a voice will come from nowhere and go "haha well you're in for a big surprise!!!" lolol
But what else can I do? No one will believe it until I do. What makes me so sure that I am? Well, do I have to prove it to you? I am a child of God, and if we call our Father 'beautiful beyond description' are we not a fragment of that? If we conform more to His will, do we not mirror His beauty, the reflection of all that He is?

Like I said earlier, fashion is a reflection of my 'inner state', if you will. The clothes are getting shorter and tighter not because I believe "hey I'm hot so I want to show some skin" but that I do not have to hide under swathes of fabric to look good. Fashion has been my tool to distract because I was so self conscious and now I'm trying to make it complement me and not the focal point of who I am: fear and not confidence.

Mmmm new social experiment. I need to get out of this friggin psychological warfare of a hole that I've been growing up in and realize for myself that the ugly duckling is and was never me.

Hong Kong Culture: Models (but not quite)

Um so you know what's funny? So in yesterday's post I wrote that I've been meditating on the song 'Came to My Rescue', and at today's worship service, it was one out of the four songs that was sung. WEIRD. I don't think God's really saying anything by this 'coincidence' but I do believe it's just a little note of confirmation and comfort knowing that as long as there is a place for me to worship, everything else such as friends, a good fellowship will follow en suite.
The sermon? Have courage on the account of Joshua and Caleb. Have courage because you know the greatest being in existence so go where He is calling you. Because if He wants you to go there, He will obviously make it happen in your favour.
-----------------------------------------------------

So on Sunday nights (such as now) I watch two shows: one of them is called 'Leng Mui Chu Fong' which means 'Pretty Girls in the Kitchen'. The latest trend in Hong Kong has been the rise of pretty girls who aren't tall enough to go runway but have no marketable skills besides their looks. Therefore they turn into promotional models for products and market themselves as a product through photo books that are pretty much considered soft porn in the States (not sure how it's legal here). Here they're called 靚模 'leng mo': 'leng' means 'pretty' and 'mo' is for a shortened version of the english word 'model'. So 'pretty model' aka the 'pseudo model'. Most famous ones are Angelababy, Janice Man and Chrissie Chau.
Anyway the show is basically a barrage of those girls and a few are selected to do a live cooking show to exhibit their 'skills' aka already prepared food items for them to 'cook'. And then there is a panel of male judges who are fed by these 'princesses' aka more pretty girls. And they're rated and given 'awards'. Throughout the show the judges make fun of them and their skills and crack jokes. It's one of the most brainless shows but it's an indulgent show. For guys it's to oggle at half naked chicks and for girls, it's to make fun of their, well, brainlessness.
But that's Hong Kong for you. If you're either super skinny or have large breasts, you can make it big somehow (see above). As I said before, it's hard not to get influenced by all the diet advertisements on the MTR (literally making up 40% of the ads here except it's only two ads printed back to back.. I'm not sure if it's effective if they're sledgehammering you with the same ad to the point of either getting brainwashed or numb).

At work I've had to pseudo write those style advice to questions (we actually get a lot of style tips questions! I thought magazines just made those up...), the question my editor told me to tackle was concerning a 5'5" girl, 120lbs, who had wide shoulders, long legs and a butt that she wanted to hide.
The first thing when I tried to picture what she looked like was "dangggg you have a nice body: curves and legsss" and then it hit me "hey we have the same body type except I'm taller." lolololol.
I just came to the revelation that, okay I'm not considered skinny here but I'm 'coming to terms', if you will, that beauty is not looking emaciated. I'm trying to find that confidence that's not in that superficiality. I think it has helped, that I've stopped reading Vogue and the majority of fashion magazines. I stopped not because of that skewed perception, but because I find them rather uninspiring. I recently started looking at www.style.com for work, and found the models' legs really repulsive to look at: literally huge knee caps and skin. Why people find stick-thin really pretty, I don't know anymore. Granted clothes look nicer on them because you can literally pile them on and not have too much bulk but just bare, not so nice.
I do have hang ups on how I look and I always will but meh, I can't change how people perceive me, but I can change how I perceive myself. There are days I wish I looked like Janice Man or Angelababy. Yet just as how I want to know God more because the more I know of Him, the greater designer I will be (because you only want to learn from the best), the more I am captivated by His beauty, the greater mine will be (not speaking about physical beauty).
I already noticed it, that the person I aspire to be is already in existence, I just have to believe it.

In the end, looks don't really matter. What I have now is not about looks, what I have now is God. It's been a slow paradigm shift and a really weird one being in the industry that I am in but...
Already seeing how blessed I am reminds me that it really all about Him. What I've learned this past few months, if God wants it to happen, He will make it happen. It's also why I don't really worry about finding a church- I've run into a few kinks but I've learned to be patient. Little worrying is involved. I was concerned about my future, God gave me a job. I was concerned about paying my loans, God gave me a high salary. I was concerned about my NYC apartment being uninhabited, God gave me a I was concerned about commuting from a home far away, God gave me a stellar apartment to live at for now.
I mean, all the years my family has lived here, they saw the apartment I'm temporarily staying at and they have never seen an apartment with such a gorgeous view of Hong Kong as mine. They invited me to see the fireworks from the Yacht Club for the public holiday, but I can actually see it from my bedside as you can see from the pictures in my previous entry.
I'm blessed, blessed, blessed. I keep talking about the same things because I need to remember the goodness of God for those times I'm tired and frustrated.

Although I went to church alone today, I still had that spiritual fervour: the desire to sing and raise my arms in abandon, the thirst to know God's calling and to just come to this place to simply worship. Not to look for friends, but to just find God. Iono I need to stop blogging so much but I can't stop babbling about God. It's getting a little ridiculous that I think that at this point, maybe I should start feeling a little sad for myself because I'm a loner who eats Sunday lunch by myself and doesn't mind sitting there, sketching my future portfolio site and feeling super content. Not because I'm skinnier or prettier than the average Asian but God is with me even though I'm pretty lost and clueless about what the future holds in store for me.
I now have fully experienced this verse from James 1,

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Talk about a room with a view, this is it.
You can see from Sheung Wan to Central to Causeway Bay to my old place in Wan Chai.
I woke up this morning and thought how pretty Hong Kong looked from my bedside window and took a couple of pictures.
What can I say? I'm very blessed to have my aunt host me at her baller apartment. Sometimes I think I could hobbit away for the next while with a view like this: it's peaceful to just look out. I can be the spectator and watch everyone bustle dripping with sweat. Yes, a spectator with a baller apartment. lol.
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I never share my music playlist partially because I find it such an intimate matter. A lot of songs I listen to have little to do with the song itself and more about the memories that are attached to them. People judge by song, I judge those songs based on what I remember. Yesterday I put my Itouch on shuffle and 'Christmas Bells' came up and I suddenly got really emotional and homesick because I was instantly reminded of the time my friends and I went to see the Nutcracker last Christmas. Those times will be no more. I will miss those Christmases in NYC. Yeah, but there was this overwhelming sense of sadness at that moment, I had to change songs (and due to the fact it's 33 degrees listening to X mas songs doesn't seem fitting).

I've been meditating on this song these past couple of days. I don't think when we sang this song at RWC, the relevance of the lyrics didn't really hit me until now. I know many people have beef with Hillsongs, which I don't understand on what basis because worship is worship, but I love this song particularly the bridge:

Came to My Rescue
Falling on my knees in worship
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours

My whole life
I place in your hands
God of Mercy
Humbled I bow down
In your presence at your throne

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are

In my life be lifted high
In our world be lifted high
In our love be lifted high

Returning as a Newcomer// 3>80

I can't get Lifehouse's 'Broken' song out of my head. I don't understand why 'The Time Traveler's Wife' trailer featured this song because I think the lyrics revolve around God and us.

I don't have any friends here but I find listening to these lyrics really comforting.

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holding on to you.

I'm not sure what I'm feeling these days. Strangely enough I do not really feel the need to go out and look for friends. It's not like I have any but at least I'm living with my aunt. Somehow having a picturesque view of Hong Kong is comforting enough that solace seems to be okay. I love staring out across the harbor, something my host doesn't understand, but I've been living in a cave these past three years that a stunning view is something I enjoy taking in daily. I do my devos as soon as I wake up and it's great to just look out and pray with literally a greater perspective of the world beyond just me.

I still haven't been able to stomach the fact that I now actually live here. As temporary as it may be and although I've lived here in the past, it is still an adjustment. People keep telling me what I'm doing is old news since my whole life has been like this, but what they don't understand is that I'm still human and that every time I move, there is still some kind of adjustment.

I really did find God in New York which is why I feel such an attachment to the church, the city and the people there.




I've realized that the gift of welcoming and hospitality is a rare one. After having been to my first newcomer dinner in a while since I've been serving in the Welcoming Ministry back in NYC, I must say I am now more appreciative of the gift God's given me. It's not a gift that many people have. Correction, it's not a gift that's easily acquired. It requires being crushed and broken. You don't learn hospitality after having been nursed your whole life in the womb, you learn it when you yourself are socially poor.
I learned it from not having a solid church group until this past year. I don't say this to somehow undermine all the friendships I had in churches of the past but friendships that were deeply rooted in Christ, not until this year did I find those. So on Welcoming Ministry I'm quick to try to connect newcomers with people whom I think they either would get along well with or leaders who could integrate them into Small Groups.

I think the most rewarding experience having been on Welcoming was when my friend told me that she had been at RWC a few times yet she struggled to find a home at the church. The a few months later, she prayed to God that someone would speak to her when she attended RWC by herself.
That day, I still remember, I was an usher, aka herding people into the aisles, when I saw this really stylish girl. I complimented her handbag and asked her if she went to Parsons (duh. lol). I don't recall the following, but she shared with me that she went to another school for fashion merchandising and was looking for a church. For some reason I got my then-Small Group leader to connect with her to the Parsons SG.

I didn't know it at the time, but God's given me a really good friend. I really miss my Parsons Small Group sisters. Their passion for God, their diligence and quirkiness really pushed me to find myself in Him. Man, I'm starting to tear up as I write this. How lame am I.

Yeah, so the gift of serving is a rare one. It's one I've recognized as my spiritual gift. It is not greater than any other part but very few people have it. And I've noticed that those people who have it, have many friends because of their ability to pro-actively reach out to others. And that's attractive.
Often members of a church do not feel the need to reach out to people. After all, aren't YOU the one who is interested in OUR church? You ought to take initiative and get to know us!
Well, that's what the Young Adult Pastor seemed to tell me that dinner when I shared with him how daunting it was to be a newcomer again. I was a little annoyed that he didn't understand but I don't blame him, he's always been at this church. That's one thing I find really annoying about people who grew up in the same church all their lives. They seem to think that social and spiritual integration is a piece of cake.

Sigh, God please just send me to one church I can be a part of.
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There's a Chinese saying, my aunt said, that goes like this,
"At the age of three, one can predict how that person will be at the age of eighty"

She told me, "Ever since you were little, you were always serious. When my daughter would feed the geese, she'd get bored and just throw it in the pond for them to fetch it themselves while you would slowly shred the bread into small pieces and feed them slowly. When you and my daughter used to play board games, you would seriously consider each move while she would get up and take a break and return to the game whenever she felt like it. When my daughter could only manage to draw a stick figure, your princesses already had puffed sleeves and gowns. You grew up to be artistic as well as really serious about what you do, taking into consideration of the consequences before going ahead with the task while my daughter still loves Disney and wants a stress free life."

It's true isn't it, that who you are has already been determined so much by the Creator. I am serious. I realized two days ago sitting on the subway to work, I am really NOT FUNNY. While the majority of my close friends in NYC are the comedian types, I am the exact opposite. I administrate: I organize our gatherings and call people up to meet and when we do, I am pretty quiet. And I can't be blatantly funny: I think comedy is a stupid movie genre because I think trying to make people laugh at dirty jokes is dumb. I think the cleverest of comedies are the ones that are somehow integrated with daily life. Perhaps in the idiosyncracies of a person or an inside joke that somehow gets blown out of proportion. But not stupid or dirty humour.
Yet as one of my loudest friends said when I shared with him how I am too serious he said,
"you know in baking, the recipe always calls for a pinch of salt? It's only a tiny bit but it's to balance out the sugary flavours. It is small but significant. That's what you are like in our group, the salt. Perhaps quiet and serious but still just as important."

That was very sweet (pun intended).
I take life seriously because I want every moment to count for something. It's why I don't drink, it's why I don't game beyond the means to socially interact with certain people and it's why I don't go clubbing. I don't see how it will enhance my life or improve it, then why bother? Thus, I am serious about finding a church and finding a solid group of Christian friends who are equally as passionate about God as I am. I didn't know there was time for being wishy washy.

If I'm not serious about something it's an indication that I'm not passionate about it. And if I'm not passionate about it, then why am I doing it? Life is too short to be taken as a joke.




Why am I having these dreams? God if it's not in Your will, please remove them. To my shame, my hope and faith in people are stronger than in You. Yet You've known me from the start. How silly is it to still place hope in him since we're miles away? Be the God of my dreams.

A Review//The 'Girly Girl'//Notes on Dating

Thank God for material blessings: mom just randomly called me on her way back to TO when I was having brunch with a friend in NY, that I could purchase this Diesel bag for work! lolol. When I returned to TO I also was allowed to get a Macbook Pro with all the programs etc. Will get it in Oct. I know, I'm spoiled. But thanks God and parents!

Well, I'm back.
I guess the term 'back' is vague for someone who is constantly 'back' somewhere, some place.

Three weeks ago I was in NY,
Two weeks ago I was in TO,
One week or so ago I arrived here.

But first a review of my week in TO.
I've sort of stopped caring about catching up with people. Well, I do care, I've just grown tired of it. Tired of the same old: having to initiate with people. It started off with MSN: I've made it a personal rule to not talk to people unless they message me first. I break it with certain girl friends or if I have some random line to say to someone and that's it.
In saying this, I used to stress myself out if I didn't see TO people more than once. Now I see it as if "hey if you don't initiate a meet-up, then I'll just see you whenever I come back" And to be honest, many friends, I don't really need to see more than once.
I can't live in Toronto because it's a comfort zone.
A lot of the times, I complain about Toronto not because I hate it or am anti-Canadian, it's because I do in fact have a soft spot for it. And when I recognize soft spots, I often try to push them away.

Favourite moments in TO?
-Girls get together with my two accountability partners: we rarely see each other but God granted us a night to chill. We ended up doing a bbq and then sitting in a souped-up hot tub with fountains and lights with cold drinks... just talking and enjoying the full moon and stars. After we baked readymade brownies and made sundaes and watched 'Stage of Play' before going to sleep. So movie-scripted but so great. They're so encouraging.
-Talking about visions, dreams and goals with Robyn and Andrew till 2am at 'Go For Tea'.
I'm very encouraged to hear other peoples' dreams in life; perhaps aspirational but at the very least, they dare to do so. And simply knowing others who are striving to achieve what God has placed in their hearts is exciting. For I do not doubt the fact that He places passions in us to fulfill a higher calling that will eventually reveal itself to us in heaven.

My dream? My dream is use what God has given me to give back to Him.
How? By not using what He gave me physically but being a good steward of this earth and through my God-given interests in fashion and sustainability.
Why? Because God has called us to help those who are weakest in this world. While we, especially Christians, often equate third world countries as the weakest (therefore poorest), people often forget the reason for their poverty is that the environment around them has been neglected. How can you teach a man to fish when there isn't any fish, let alone the amount of pollutants in the water itself? I want to the missionary in the fashion industry, to be a Christian through design.
I remember I used to read this Christian teen magazine that would feature an industry professional in each issue to give readers an idea of not only what the responsibilities included, but how to be a light in that field. Yet NEVER was there a single issue about someone in fashion. To say the least, I was very discouraged. Anyway.
By?Although indirectly helping the poorest, my entire thesis company is what I want to strive to flesh out in ten years. I want to be the Pixar of fashion and revolutionize the way we produce and consume clothes.


There, you said quite tactlessly that I wasn't articulate about my dream, there it is organized in point form. It's always been the dream- the dream that came to me this past year. Always in my head and always woven into this blog. Sure as you said, people don't read blogs (well maybe we should say "people don't read."), but I write them for a reason. I write it for myself: to know myself fully what I believe in. The philosophy and reasoning behind it all comes out of the idea that we come into this world with nothing and we go back into this world with nothing (1 Timothy 6:7). Therefore, the reason that I designed a product service system based on co-ownership of clothes is precisely based on the idea that we are so set on the idea that "THIS IS MINE."
Perhaps this is not what I will end up pursuing ten years from now, only God knows. Yet I've made the commitment to pursue it if I am supposed to. If I fail, then I obviously have another calling elsewhere.

But here comes the point about Hong Kong.
This time moving back, I've felt very at peace.
I constantly talk about this past year but this how I perceive it:
1. God brought me a slew of new friends based off of old ones all by random encounters that I had no control over.
2. God brought me closer to Him through accountability partners that I did not desire in the first place.
3. God created a thesis for me that was both so quintessentially me yet solving the problem of waste production and mindless consumption of clothes in the industry is friggin amazing. I know I am the only one who thinks this is God's grace but I find it mind boggling that I am actually in love with my thesis idea because it is so very me. I mean who can say they're really in love with their line of work right now!??! It is so very me because I can actually see myself as a customer of the system. I would actually use this friggin business. And I'm so in love with it because it falls into this idea of total design experience- a core belief that Apple and I share: you cannot revolutionize a brand by designing a product, you must design an entire system of ideology so that the product REFLECTS that thought. Closed system thinking. I like. It's kinda been where all my passions, philosophies and strengths all intersect.
I like:
people
fashion
street style
writing
photography
design
business
=thesis
4. God allowed me to have a full summer going to the most random places where I got to reunite with family and new friends. This past year I've been musing about how I wish I could get one last summer before finding work, and lo, I got it. I started work on Monday, Sept 7.
5. God gave me a job. Um. Yeah. I got a job with a good salary.
6. God gave me a temporary house. I wake up every morning to a postcard view of Hong Kong. No joke. It looks like something you'd get at a souvenir store. It's literally the cityline of all of HK at my window on the 67th floor. It's stunning. It's a tourist hotspot. I could see any type of holiday firework from here sitting on my bed.
7. God opened the new purple train line here two weeks ago. It cuts my traveling time by fifteen minutes. It's a little crazy cuz I save a lot of time with this new line that just so happened to open up when I arrived.


So to say the least, although I literally do not have any friends here, I'm at peace. I'm at peace because of full knowledge of how God has worked in my life this past year, that I set my hope on what is to come. And peace comes from this because I do not rely on my own strength or efforts, but on His good timing.

The job itself is quite tiring. It's tiring in a way because I do not get to be creative, I just sit in front of a computer and write. I write about products and how one should style it. I get so bored from recycling the same words such as 'dolman sleeve', 'U-neck top' and 'drawstring hooded pullover', that I start talking about Prada and James Jean collaborations when talking about graphic tees with a girl applique, or I talk about William Morris and Mary Engelbreit pattern inspirations when it comes to fob clothes. I know, they probably won't get it, but talking about art and design keeps me sane.
In all this, I find that God is teaching me discipline and patience. The discipline to maintain a steady schedule over my free senior year. AND the discipline to keep Him at the top of my priorities. It's been nice, in a way, that I have no friends here because my devos have been more focused.

I've set a few goals with Robyn and Andrew for Christmas 2009:
-have a portfolio website up
-learn food and fashion words in Chinese
-get weekly exercise
-tweak my thesis more

I'm already frustrated with work. But I realized, on my first day of work, that I should just treat work as school. I am here to learn. To learn how to run a company, and to learn how not to run a company. I've learned a lot already and am taking notes of it in my sketchbook so that when I pursue my thesis, I will know what to do.
Work is school. But the best thing about that is is that you get paid to learn. lol.
It's made life a lot easier because I know what I do now will come into use in the future.

As for my coworkers, I really like the people I'v met so far. We cab it every day to eat lunch. I've met a lot of international people, ironically while HK is so monoculture. Met a Belgium who doesn't eat chocolate, met a Toronto girl who lives one big intersection away from me, met my coworker who shares a mutual hatred for cute Korean models, and a boss who I can ICQ with about Threadless t shirts. lolol. So in the end, I like my company because the people are really funny and chill.

Sigh, so the adventure continues.
I know to the average person out there, I talk/babble about God nonstop. But what else can I say other than to give praise for what He's done? To most, I sound dillusional, but I've come to realize this past year it's been hard for me to even stop thinking about Him because He has been so good to me.

Hm that's a good sign.
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The Girly Girl

While most of my friends boast about they all went through a tomboy phase, just like 'one of the guys', I never went through that. My cousins did, aunts did, elementary and high school friends did: I never did beyond the gloriousness of the Power Rangers and episodes of Star Trek. I liked my Barbies and Polly Pockets. I enjoyed skirts that twirled (more like 'mushroomed' when it comes to child's clothes), my goal was to grow my hair long (cuz my mom would always give me a bob cut) and my favourite Disney film was 'Beauty and the Beast.'

Looking at friends who talk about how "oh I wasn't like this before... I have a ton of guy friends yadda yadda" it occured to me,
Why does it seem so wrong to be a girl?

I embrace being a girl. I never cared to be a tomboy. Why try to be a boy when you're a girl? I guess in most people's books, tomboys have a certain cool factor and edginess that being a 'typical' girl does not have.
But what I find I dislike, is the idea of the 'girly girl'. Being a girl is fine, adding that extra punch to it makes me cringe. The 'girly girl', is someone who I equate with 'airhead', 'pink boas' and 'princess.'
So whenever I receive a 'girly girl' gift (even with well intentions) I shudder. This lineup includes notebooks with drawings of handbags on it, frou frou kitsch sculptures that act as dust collectors and stuffed animals (perhaps cute but space wasters).
The reason why I do not want to be associated with the 'girly girl' is because I perceive them as people who base all their decisions on emotions and not on logic. And particularly this is the case because I do study fashion, a rather 'airheaded' topic to some, which I am increasingly trying to disassociate myself with that stereotype. I am not the most logical of people, but I do think things over before doing anything.
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Notes On Dating

Post-Henry Cloud philosophy, I now do not believe you have to date to find out who you are nor what you like NOR to understand the opposite sex. You can do much of it by observations and interacting with people on a friend-to-friend basis.
Notes:

1) The worst girls are the ones who physically reveal too much/too easy: driven by need for attention and affirmation through physical attraction and validation. Men fall easily for them because they're visual creatures (duh).
2) The worst guys are the talkers. The ones who just talk their way into making girls feel special. There is a reason why chick flicks are all talk just as there is a reason why all guy films are action/visually driven (aka 001 films). Their talk is empty and meaningless- just a psychological trap. Girls think more: talkers feed into that thinking. The talkers need attention and temporary validation yet will never admit to the fact that they're emotional players. To them, they're just being nice and being 'themselves'. For this point, I thank my HK jie jie to work out with me.
3) When in love, make sure your friends are there. I've seen enough couples who are on permanent 'honeymoon' status that they don't realize how wrong they are for each other even when their friends warn them. Your words fall to deaf ears. They say 'love is blind', I just think its plain ignorance and stupidity. Which is why I'm saying and writing this now for myself and whoever out there who still reads my craziness, when God introduces him to me, "MAKE SURE I SHARE HIM AKA GROUP OUTINGS". In addition to this, getting to know the person in a group setting is extremely important: you weed out the talkers from the sincere ones. Perfect. Social experiments!
On a sadder notes, a few of my close friendships have disintegrated because of this one problem. My hurts in the past with people come from them totally infatuated with their significant other, that our relationship just crumbled. Thankfully God is greater and although there is still some of that hurt, we've made amends in their realization that they did isolate themselves.
4) This is the obvious one: guys initiate, girls respond. I find this one hard to swallow. I've seen it gone awry before my eyes when girls decide to take the ropes and that's all I'm going to say about this one.
5) Girls must learn patience, guys must learn to man it up (see #4).
I am not patient because for most matters, I can be proactive in pursuing the fulfillment of these goals, but with this, it's a whole different ball game.
6) Date to marry (with an open mind). I know, I've started to inch back to Joshua Harris over Henry Cloud dating philosophy but emotional well being is too important to me than 'finding myself'. I don't find myself in people, I find it in God. This year I learned so much more about myself and about my faith, but I'm still single. And really, why waste time and emotional heartache when he's not the right one? Cleaning up takes a lot more time than the split second hapless decision to date "just because".
7) Dating is not happiness. People who are dating are no happier than people who are single. They've just bought into the cultural lie that it'll make them happier but as I see it, most of them are more caught up in the misery/worry than actually being happy. In fact, some were even worse off dating, than without. Dating, in its most infant thinking, brings validation and emotional security. But the need for affirmation must be repeatedly given by the significant other therefore not healthy.
Dating will not make you prettier. Nor stronger. Not manlier. Nor smarter. Nor cooler.

The sum of all this is to say that although I find this a topic of immense frustration, if I believe God is the author of my salvation, then there is a reason for my singleness. I don't know why, but in faith I trust that He will share with me what He wants me to experience.
The other day over lunch, my colleague and I were musing over the fact that it is extremely difficult to find a good guy here in HK due to the fact that we're both neither fob or whitewashed. Therefore we need to find someone who is also not a fob or whitewashed but usually those are either taken or are the players you see circulating around LKF on Friday nights.
lolol.

GODDDDDDD

I Love New York X Creativity in Adversity X RWC+CBC

Stitched composite of Taipei 101.

In the past few days I've been continuously reminded of the city. Flipping through television channels I come across 'Friends' and 'What Not to Wear' all based in NYC. And today I watched 'Julie and Julia' which was based in Queens. -_-

Greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city. -God of this City, Hillsongs

'Art and Culture Desert'
-says my mom in Canto. Hong Kong is known as the Art and Culture Desert.
When it comes to the pursuit of our passions, I wondered as we watched 'Julie and Julia', why it is that we fall short of persevering and discipline to obtain all that we dream about? Yet when it comes to characters in movies, we are so eager to cheer on the protagonist to keep pushing on forward? Most of us, in our eagerness to get to the end, some way in the middle of it all, forget why were pursuing it in the first place thus give up.

When I look upon people I admire be it a famous company or just a friend, it is not the final outcome nor the product that they present that I respect. It's the idea that they persevered till the end which sticks out to me. When I hear a friend who is learning German wholeheartedly or someone else who may be pursuing a dream job via refining their portfolio, I respect the amount of discipline, effort and perseverance they placed in making it happen.

Personally I have trouble finding that perseverance, straightforwardness and discipline to pursue one thing. And I guess I have trouble accepting people, particularly in Toronto, for their lack of a motivation to get out of their comfort zone. Perhaps I am being too quick to judge, only seeing certain people and their choices in life therefore overgeneralizing. To them, they'd settle in Toronto because Toronto is home. To me, they're settling too quickly. To them, every city is generally the same. Yes I agree in terms of scape, but not when it comes to the people.
You learn so much more beyond the four walls of a home.

So they call Hong Kong the 'Art and Culture Desert' hence initially why I didn't want to stay too long lest I lose the artsy side of me.
Yet, where better to start off, in a place that has nothing? If I stay in NYC, whatever I do would be affirmative, but, if I start in HK I could bring something new. Like Julia Child brought french cooking to America, can I not bring design/art to Hong Kong? I'm not saying that this is now my pursuit in life because I don't have that desire to, but creativity is always born out of adversity.
As a Vogue writer said, "A daughter of a self-made man inherits a mixed blessing: she is cushioned by the luxuries her father has earned, yet she lacks the hunger that shortage inspires. Our nation of immigrants abounds with examples of hard work rewarded. But what happens to the next generation? Can excellence thrive in comfort, or is it born of deprivation alone? Which is the greater factor in success: good luck or hard work?"

In Hong Kong, I suddenly had the hunger to be immersed in art/design because I noticed its absence. Yet in the four years I lived in NYC, surrounded by galleries, events and museums, I took these all for granted always saying "I'll visit it next time."

Who knows, perhaps in the next while in Hong Kong, God will refine these gifts of mine. Creativity is born out of adversity, great design out of frustration.


In Union Square when I looked up and saw the clouds. I noticed two planes 'intersecting' and thought it would make a great representation of my life in transition right now

But the point of my post was actually supposed to be on this:
Sunday Service back in Toronto.
I love how God answers some prayers in the course of a few minutes. I asked for Him to block out all distractions, and He did, literally.
My home church in Toronto is at the point of major shifts and changes, birthed out of brokenness as a body.
When I first heard about the pastoral uproar, I thought, "oh here we go again. Politics over God, comfort zones established and amnesia ensues. And here we go again, none of the congregation is allowed to know exactly what happened therefore rumours surface because we're all kept in the dark. Where's the transparency?"

I was annoyed and slightly upset, even though I don't really see CBC as a 'home' like I do with Remnant Westside in NYC, because I felt that it was becoming stagnant, rigid and program-heavy.
Still I didn't know what to expect on Sunday from a church I've been absent from for over half a year.

RHCBC is broken. Yet in that brokenness I still see a passion and hunger for God. While it is caught in a net of politics and Christian critics, there is still that cry to seek for God. As Bobby lead worship, I could see the evidence of this desire in the way he spoke about the church how he lead the congregation in meditating on the songs. You dance over me, while I am unaware.

He lead us into this song by Lincoln Brewster, Amazed, and I was so moved by meditating on the lyrics to the point of tears (ummm I used to think that was reserved for charismatic churches but I guess that's not so!). Tears not out of the desire for attention or to prove my holiness, but just out of gratitude.
How deep, how wide
How great is Your love for me

I don't know why those two lines did it for me. I've just caught a glimpse of that love this past year and just a fragment of that makes me tremble.
I am grateful to God for so much right now, much of it not out of my own doing, but Him just moving in my life. I'm excited, for once, to see where He's taking me this time. Now I move beyond what Remnant and living alone in NYC have taught me with the full knowledge of His presence. This past year has been the craziest, weirdest and most exciting year of my life thus far(not exaggerating): by using my greatest stumbling block, being friends and relationships, He brought me closer to Him.

God, if You're there, I'll go wherever You will go.