Lean Wit it// Rin vs Sam// The Heart of the Matter// Dressing for the Masculine

Lean Wit It

The most awesome history of hip hop dance by Jabba (episode 7). Yes, I'm obsessed.

The other day I was about to leave the gym after jogging when 'Lean Wit it Rock Wit it' came on one of the television screens playing rap music.. so I just had to stay to run for another five minutes because Jabba danced to them in Ep 3. XD Yeah I'm a sucker for music to movies or dance hence my love for soundtracks.

My preferred music to listen to while working out is rap and hip hop. I know I resemble nothing like the urban, Bape-wearing person associated with this genre of music but I find it pumps up my adrenaline and makes me want to move with its strong beat. Unlike Jer who likes to listen to well written lyrics, I really don't care what they talk/sing about... it all ends up being the same stuff and their MVs are even worse.
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Rin vs. Sam

A conversation with Rin this Sunday evening as we talked about summer plans; I was trying to persuade her to come visit me:

§am: come to hk and ny!
Rin: hahaha i would LOVE to, but i'm booked haha
§am: oh puhlease 'booked': just cancel! so easy.
Rin:HAHAHA right....
§am: there will be some consequences but you know.. just deal with it
Rin: right right so if i made plans with you and then cancelled them, that would be okay? just for future reference
§am:HAR HAR
of course not beucase I am a real human being with thoughts and feelings. I'm not like a course which is a non entity and has no feelings. And no matter how hard you love this course, it will never love you back
Rin:....wow...that ACTUALLY has logic to it haha

XD
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The Heart of the Matter

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I feel like I'm going through the motions of these lyrics.
I really thought I understood and grasped the concept but have I really?
I was able to move on once and twice and I can do it again.
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Dressing for the Masculine

I think I ought to talk about fashion since I rarely do.

I find myself, every year, going through a change/transition in my 'beliefs' and how I perceive the relations between the world and I. There's a saying that some people wear their "heart on their sleeve." I, in a similar fashion, wear what I believe through my wardrobe.
Looking back at what I wore last year, I was in love with the extreme feminine: Rococo, lace, frills, ruffles, high neck collars, Louis Vuitton Spring 08, early 19th century menswear, 1950's New Look in soft muted greys, creams and pastels.
I lived for myself, so to speak, in the idea that I dressed to please myself. I lived in my own bubble. My goal was to dress modestly in the most fashionable way possible that showed enough skin to look good without looking frumpy. Along the way, I impressed a bunch of girls, got featured in a couple fashionista blogs and got into Elle magazine.
That was great. That was exactly a year ago.

Now looking ahead, perhaps also from certain ideas I picked up along the road, my focus has turned elsewhere. During Spring Break I decided to clean out my closet. I realized last year during my Rococo phase, I discovered the greatness of thrift shopping but have now realized that the age of glorious excess really was just a lot of excess. A lot of stuff and all that stuff was making me stressed. Ever since I transitioned from this period of experimentation and feminine dressing, I've stopped buying so many clothes. Just looking at a bulging wardrobe, I realized, doesn't make me happy, it just makes me really stressed. Paradoxically, having that little space and that extra room to breathe makes me happier than having an extra four pairs of jeans. That empty space suggests to be filled and it pleases my imagination to know that there are possibilities which I have now noticed, do not have to be realized through the consumption of the tangible. It's why I have a blank white wall in front of my bed. It suggests the idea of being filled with pictures, a clothing rack or whatever I please, but the idea of blankness and the idea of limitless possibilities is even more exciting. Okay this is sounding like some philosophy on design and consumption. I've obviously been in Parsons too long. Back to my main point:

So with the articles of clothing I could not bear to donate because of the quality or some sentimental reason, I asked my cousin if she wanted them. It just so happened that she was going to her boyfriend's place for dinner so we had fun picking out an outfit that was more 'girly' since her boyfriend like girly girls while my cousin's a hippie/boho type of gal. She reported to me after the event that his eyes widened when he saw her and said "wow". Hahah I was as giddy and proud as a mother sending her daughter off to prom. Sad.

So as of this year, my focus in dressing is to dress more for the male audience.
I know what immediately must pop into your mind are bikinis, stilettos, mini skirts, booty shorts, midriff baring tops and bras. I know how you think. And obviously I don't want my head on the slaughtering plate. So I have my reasons.
I've been talking to a few guy friends who have told me they don't like frilly dresses- they like body skimming ones (for the obvious reasons). I noticed that how I dressed the last two years must be impossible to comprehend by male terms: suspender dresses, ruffled dresses, poet blouses, Louis heels. Not sexy that's for sure- nor was it my goal to look like any other girl in Toronto anyway. I remember Syd coming up to Robyn and I during Christmas Dinner 2006 and after looking at us, said, "why do girls who come back from New York look so weird?"
Looking back I know what he meant; I was wearing something inspired by Lemony Snicketts. Not the most normal thing.

I told my cousin this, she just said that she loves it when a girl dresses with modesty- with her own personal style.
Okay.. well I got that. My style last year was very theatrical.
So I told her that I was going to start dressing for guys.
She told me girls shouldn't dress to impress guys.
I told her that I already know I can dress for girls. That's really easy. The idea of dressing to impress guys is an interesting design challenge that I'd like to work with.
She somewhat agreed.

If you understand my argument, the fusion of my past style (the feminine) with elements that the male audience respond to, to create some sort of hybrid that pleases both while still retaining that air of modesty, is a fun sort of challenge. To streamline my way of dress without compromising style and individuality(aka American Eagle zombie). I like it. Just because I'm in this hip hop phase, I've become more interested in sportswear- actually because of both hip hop and the upcoming Olympics. I've developed somewhat of a sixth sense in trend forecasting (yep, what I wrote a few entries ago about asymmetrical dresses, art themed garments and bright colours... it was confirmed in this month's Harpers Bazaar.. I'm happy to know that I was right but sad to know that what I like is essentially what everyone now likes).
Anyway, yeah, this is the general direction that my wardrobe is headed for this year, keeping in mind that I have not closed off my aesthetic of the past. Right now I'm in a stage where I'm just wearing old clothes from high school/pre-New York... I've become a little tired of the drama. Denim, converse/boots and something with a hood will do me just fine.

The only problem I see in this realm are skirts and shorts. Due to my height which is not your average Asian girl, and my build which is not your average Asian waif/boy body, I always feel like I'm being scrutinized by the older generation.
I hate to say this but I have to pull the whole "but mom, everyone else is doing it" reason into play. When I was in HK I noticed all girls were wearing shorts and short skirts. It was a cultural fashion way of dress. The fob style entails cropped denim skirts and shorts with a t shirt on top. I know my explanation seems like a cop out, but this past Christmas I purchased a flippy wool skirt that when my mother saw on me was worried about its length (though I had tights underneath) until my grandmother walked in and said in Chinese "that skirt is cute" and then my mom didn't mention about the length after that.
Since this summer is not going to be a ballpark sweating in 35 degrees plus humidity, I actually want to wear shorts out of practicality's sake.

Okay it's 2:46am. This was a really shallow post at the same time not so. I dissected the entire direction of my closet. Yeah I think about how I dress- it's just a sample of how fashion history works. It's supposed to be fun. It's supposed to be experimental. Oh well, it's been in my head for the past couple of days.

Sex and the City

So as most of you know, Sex and the City the movie is coming out on May 30. I saw the trailer when I watched "21" today and saw an episode while I was at the gym. Here's the trailer. This is one movie I'm definitely going to watch. It's almost like a Bridget Jones movie. I never watched the series when they were on tv but ever since I came to New York I was able to relate to them on a whole different level. Thanks to this series, I have pretty much expect people to ask "do you live the Sex and the City life?" Obviously the answer is no. And obviously no single girl living as a writer can afford such a large apartment with that big of a closet. Please.
But anyway, I love the song featured in it: India Arie's The Heart of the Matter. It's such a chill, relaxing song. Her voice is husky and I love it.

Anyway, I love Sex and the City not for its tongue-in-cheek themes, but because Carrie Bradshaw despite the heartaches, the break ups, the problems with shoes and work, she has three constants in her life: her friends. Once a week they congregate to eat at some restaurant and talk about everything.
Let me tell you, to obtain three friends that even know each other is difficult. And even more difficult is to find a way to get together in one group on a consistent basis. All my friends here tend to be singulars so I hang out with them on on one. That's the one thing that speaks to me about Sex and the City. How each of the characters are so unique and watching them interact together is pretty funny.

This is one film I will be watching in HK... if it even comes out on May 30th there. -_- Fashion, friends, New York, love, weddings rolled into one? Makes a perfect combination.

As much as I wish I lived elsewhere, I think deep down inside of me, I really do love New York. My life is not normal, that's for sure. And I love it.

Love is in the Air/ Swimsuit Season

L'Oreal Fashion Week--> Evan and Dean

So Rin and I went to L'Oreal Fashion week the day I arrived back from Western in Toronto. It was quite disappointing in terms of the clothes shown (figures): boring, little drama and not anything I'd really wear. Oh well we got in free so I can't complain.
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Love is in the Air

No not for me. :P As many of you know, someone is getting married hopefully next year. Being the nosy designer I am, I offered my knowledge on skills/services/advice pertaining to wedding dress decisions. Now there is the possibility of me designing and creating this gown but that's to be decided still. Nevertheless I've already started dreaming up the sumptuous fabrics and silhouettes that are available at my disposal. I've already started looking at wedding magazines far faster than the bride-to-be. I just bought my first bridal magazine today. I know I'm crazy. And when I showed it to Robyn since she's in town, she freaked out at me. Yes, I got engaged during Spring break.... jk.
But I love event planning, the wedding garment stuff and all that jazz. I used to want to be a wedding planner because I just wanted to design experiences and create atmospheres. There's nothing I love more than a beautiful setting, good friends, good food and good conversation. If you asked me to define what luxury is that would be it. I don't think a Louis Vuitton as luxury- that's only the perceived value of the marketing companies and the consumers.
After freshmen year of being in New York and the realization during that summer retreat I was consuming to fill that emptiness of having no church friends, I've slowly gotten myself out of that shopaholic syndrome and channel all that energy into relationships. You know that's an actual addiction like gambling or alcoholism? I think I have it in a very minor form- I don't buy out of necessity that's for sure. I think after going through two years of college has made me realize how great my material intensity is and that half the stuff I own, I don't love anyway.
Ok back to weddings.
I'm already looking at style.com for inspiration and I love this (even the boys agree with me for once!):


Elie Saab, Spring Couture 2008

I love this designer's stuff. Click the link to see some of the most showstopping dresses ever. I remember I first saw his work back in gr11 and fell gobsmacked at his ability to weld the sensuality and ethereal effect that women want with the sex appeal that men love. I remember wondering if I could get one for my prom not knowing at the time it would probably cost $100,000. Anyway.

So I've been on Cloud 9 the past few days dreaming up different designs for wedding dresses. I feel like I'm experiencing my own pre-wedding plans at twenty years old as I leaf through bridal magazines. Even if she ends up getting a store bought dress or some Ryerson kid to do it, I just love doing this stuff anyway. If you told a singer that she got booted off American Idol, she'd keep on singing because she loves it. To me this isn't really 'work'- because first and foremost, I love fashion. And because I love fashion I feel the burden to somehow redesign the system of production. But it can get really tiresome and heavy at times so this wedding idea is really refreshing because the wedding dress is a symbol of love and commitment. Plus it's totally frivolous, wickedly self indulgent and deliciously fun.

Obviously having immersed myself in wedding paraphernelia has gotten me thinking of my own 'ideal' wedding. I've written about this before about a year and a half ago. In the ideal world, my wedding ceremony would be here:


Experiencing love and God's beauty in nature rolled into one? Simply divine. Plus you could keep minimal decoration because it's all provided for you, complimentary services thanks to the Creator.

And the reception, would be here:


When I first saw this castle, the Vaux le Vicomte, during a lecture I fell in love with it instantly. When I visited it this past summer, it was even more ridiculously stunning than the pictures. When you first enter, you see nothing of the castle save a endless dirt road of tall oak trees. The gardens at the back are stunning and immaculate. I found out Eva Longoria and Tony Parker got married here. Hmph. They stole my idea! XD

Of course in the ideal world I'd need to find some way to cart all my guests from one place to another.. there's also time difference to take into consideration: Japan to France. lol. But in the ideal world, we'd probably teleport thanks to Star Trek technology. :P
And in my ideal world my wedding day will be sunny so there wouldn't be any issues with rain or whatever. lol.


Swimsuit Season

My new favourite fashion photographer from the 1950's: Henry Clark. I love this candid picture- lovely angle and the subject matter looks great. :D

It's swimsuit season!
A male friend said to me, "already?"
I even checked vogue today and they had two pages of different swimsuits.
Anyway, I blame this interest in swimsuits on a friend who was talking about going to the Bahamas the other day. And I just remembered that I'll be living in a tropical city this summer so it'd be nice to find a swimsuit that hasn't been eaten alive by the chlorine monsters.
And I love this- usually I dislike Juicy couture but their swimsuits remind me of a modern spinoff of the 50's suits like the one shot by Henry Clark (above photo):



PRETTY. Too bad there's only one colour. And too bad it's so expensive. BOOOOO cuz me like it! XD

Sorry, random post but I love Jabbawockeez's Dance 2 aka Red Pill to their own remix. I love it. anerkrlnwejaw.. sadly Kaba got ousted. :(

Oh yeah, I'm back in New York.
BOOOOOOO
More later!

Another Year, Another Birthday

Was on a sugar high and found this pretty picture

Happy birthday, blog.
You are four years old- perhaps the one possession, like fine wine or memories, I regard that gets better with age.
And because of this fact, I cherish you more than any other thing I own.
When I first started, I saw how childish I sounded- although how much of it was true in the past is still true today.
After leafing through the first twenty entries in my archive, I realized I am much the same person in the past as I am in the present. I have definitely become more serious, a little more mature and a little more thoughtful.

Death is a strange, mysterious subject I myself have experienced little of. I've never been to a funeral before. I 'learn' death through movies- it is one of the ways I 'educate' myself. The bullet pierces and breaks through the surface of the skin, lodging itself in the warmth of the tissue, blood seeps through. Perhaps it is a quick death if it was aimed at the head. Perhaps the body will go into its last macabre: shudder, convulse and tremble to move no more- the last dance it will ever make.

Most people will say, "I am not afraid of death."
But how can the levelheadedness of words be weighed against the dark tumultous fear one feels when faced with the possibility of arriving at 'game over'?
I am afraid of death.
Correction: I am afraid of watching things disintegrate before my eyes, helpless to stop it at all. Thoughts can disintegrate but they still remain as thoughts- they cannot be something less thus my blog will only cease if I stop writing or if I hit 999 posts or if I delete it (or it gets removed by blogger).
But the body is just a body.
I came home to see my dad limping towards our car in the airport. My mom told me after four hours of skiing, he was about to go and change when he fell down and hurt the ligament in his left leg. Now when I see him I don't recall memories of him walking normally. I wonder if I'll ever see my dad walking normally again.

My only memory of death was when my turtle, Lucky, died. He suffocated, ironic I know, when he shoved himself under a turned plastic garden pot used as a rock when we left him at a family friend's place over the summer. He couldn't get back out so he drowned. When I found out, all I recall doing was putting a pillow to my face and crying and my mom swiped the pillow away because she thought it was dirty.

I don't recall my grandfather's death. I only remember, at twelve years old, having to bow in front of his picture surrounded by gods and faux red candles. I don't recall my dad's grief either. All I know about my grandfather is that he loved real cashmere sweaters and had them in every colour, and only wore Bally leather shoes.

My great grandmother is still alive at 106. When I look at her, I'm in awe that she probably lived through every single decade! And how many wars were there? I wish I could talk to her. She could give me a personal century worth of history! She kind of scares me: her face is all sunken in with only a thin layer of epidermis stretched over her skull, her body is tiny and stooped over in her wheelchair. She doesn't remember anyone. She can't say anything. All she does is cry out which comes in a mournful sound. I look at her- her eyes are vacant.
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If this is what it feels like to love and to lose, I don't want a part of it.
I feel like I've gained and lost at the same time.

Holding a Trickling Past

In Waterloo trying to learn how to tie ties via Internet site

Feeling: Reminiscent and distant
Listening to: Anberlin's Fin
A really good song they did in collaboration with a young boys choir. I highly recommend listening to the full version of it. It's an amazing song.

Saturday to Monday morn: Waterloo with the Macdougal boys and Vanessa
Monday to Tuesday morn: Western with three high school friends from three different social groups

I miss everyone already. This post is essentially a recollection of my travels:

I took the Viva train in the morning- my parents were kind enough to car me down there and stopped for a traditional HK breakfast of congee, buns and hot milk tea prior to my train to Waterloo. On the train a York teacher sat next to me and we talked for a while about her travels to New York to do a history channel excerpt on death rituals. There was also this caucasian guy who seemed interested in talking to me while lining up to board the train and he sat in the seats across the aisle from me. After talking to the teacher, he asked me if I was a design student and ended up swapping seats with the York prof and we talked for the 1.5 hour ride. He was a second year graphic designer in the York Sheridan program. Pretty chill guy.
Anyway, I got off at Kitchener and was welcomed to a sight of my friends lined up in a row to greet me at the station. We drove to the Macdougal boys' house- a gorgeous house with many sun filled rooms. We watched some Youtube prior to driving to St Agatha's for a lunch that consisted of breakfast foods... and then went to sobeys and LCBO for groceries and liquor (for St Patricks). And then Vanessa and I spent the rest of the time baking chocolate chip banana bread, brownies and an inverted apple pie to jazz music(we ran out of dough to make the criss cross top of the pie so one of the guys had the brilliant idea of doing the squares instead of the strips.. we gave it two separate titles.. one made up by me the art nerd and the other by the engineering nerds. So jokes):


Anyway, at 10:30, because Derek was working with his team the whole day and worked hard to go out later on, we went to Purple Place for hot pot. Initially we canceled it because everyone was a little lazy and full of snacking on baked goods but felt guilty that Derek worked so hard to go there.. so we went along with another girl they consider their sixth roomie. The six of us were the only customers there, served by this grumpy Chinese guy who warmed up to us because he started talking basketball to us... he loves Yao Ming and a game was going on with the Kings. We ate so much beef, noodles and napa along with mango slushy.. so good. I started injecting my random questions about relationships, taking a more 'shallow' but honest perspective on them. Questions like "what's the first thing you notice about a girl aesthetically speaking?" to other characteristics they find attractive in the opposite sex in terms of talents, abilities and skills which prompted other discussions on whether or not plastic surgery is biblically wrong and when it is okay to have it done... which lead to questions about koreans who the guys find most attractive but are obviously artificially constructed. That night they presented me with a gift they said would 'nerdify' my wardrobe a bit: a shirt from MIT that said
"i have an imaginary friend(s)"
with the square root of negative one to the power of five symbol below.

Lol. Oh engineers. And they all signed it at the bottom. So sweet.

The next day, Vanessa made blueberry pancakes and bacon for me and then we all went to church. The sunday school was really good because the teacher was able to pick apart Zechariah and talk about it in a historical perspective which I find extremely interesting. Later Josh, vanessa and I walked around the campus and then went back where Jon made Montreal smoked ham sandwiches and we tried out our apple pie a la mode. Most satisfying indeed. Then I just chilled with Josh and then Jon in their rooms respectively since Derek was yet again busy with his project. Vanessa had to leave that night so Josh and I walked her to the Fed bus and then purchased my greyhound ticket to Western prior to going out for dinner. Derek and Eliot decided to go to a meet and greet event for their CCF nominations so I went back to wait for Derek so we could hang out a little before my departure. He didn't come back until 11:40- by then I was pretty tired. But Eliot, Derek and I moved to the living room, started the fireplace and switched on some Norah Jones and played cards for a while before just started talking about random things. I started falling asleep but since they were so used to being up during the school term, they made me stay awake till 3:30am.

The following day Derek drove me to Kitchener and I took the Greyhound to Western (I knocked out for the entire bus ride there.. which was not long enough for me to power up). Took the public bus to my friend Soph's place- an adorable house with an adorable attic bedroom. We then met up with Dor and had lunch at a coffee place prior to going back to Soph's place to watch 'Underworld'. Afterwards Dor drove me to the local mall so I could purchase a charger for my cell phone and then I hung out with Soph while she got ready for partying at the bars for St Patricks. I was too tired to go out and line up to drink green beer so I just had pizza and sprite spiked with rum while watching youtube versions of America's Best Dance Crew. After she left with her roomies, Dor showed me her place and then gave me a car tour of the Western campus at night and then played three pieces of music on the piano for me including my favourite, Liszt's 'Un Sospiro': I never knew how insanely technical that piece was until I saw her play it. I bumped into Boaz, a family friend, in the practice rooms- really random. We then visited Lois and Janet at their apartment and then went back to Soph's to watch 'The Devil Wears Prada'. I really wanted to stay up and chat but I was falling asleep while watching the film.

Today Soph accompanied to the greyhound terminal and I boarded the 10:30 express back to Toronto and met up with Rin to watch the L'oreal Fashion show for Evan and Dean... and then walked around Eatons prior to meeting with Jer and Ang to kill time at FMP and then dinner and bubble tea with Matt afterwards.

It was one crazy long weekend.
I've realized my relationships with the Raps crew are quickly... disintegrating a bit. We've all moved on and I'm finding it hard to say anything to them. There are some people we find easier to pick up the pieces with- the UN crew for instance, we rarely have deep conversations but I see them every time I return to Toronto... and it feels like time never came between us.
As for the Waterloo kids, although I cannot participate in a lot of the conversations that include people I do not know, the times I cherished the most with them I resisted taking any visual documentation of. You cannot replicate a moment or feeling and it seems futile. But I had a lot of fun staying with the Macdougal boys. We didn't do anything really eventful but it's great to have memories of jazz, apple pie, fireplaces and hot pot locked in the back of my head.
One thing I appreciated that someone said to me was that they found the relationships conversation during our hot pot session really refreshing. Most of the time whenever dating issues came up, they would be focused on the spiritual side and less about the more superficial fluff. So coming in with questions on aesthetics, health and beauty was really satisfying. I was a little surprised by their eagerness to talk about the shallow stuff but it was one of the funniest conversations ever.

I'm home but I already feel the strange pain of knowing that I'll be gone soon. I miss the people- I don't know when I'll seee them again as a group. Now when I'm with certain people, I try to soak up their presence knowing that I may never experience them in this setting again.

SURPRISE! XD
Sam is in Toronto from March 14-22!

Thanks for coming out guys. :) I enjoyed today.
Are women or grave robbers more exhausting? :P
At the price of a surprise, I lost all my luggage.
ajekrnarjenw
Air Canada is so slow with tracking lost baggage. :(
Me sleepy... Waterloo and Western tomorrow!

For the first time I spoke really bluntly to my roommate and we had the deepest conversation until 4am yesterday. So tired.

Okie dokie, that's it for now... trying to scrounge up some stuff to pack. :S

The Expiry Dated Life

I drew this at the MET two weeks ago since my friend wanted to go but I had already had my fill of the museum so I sat down and sketched this sculpture for two hours. I miss sketching from life.

One thing I learned during my trip to Hong Kong was the impossibility of being the main supporting actress in the lives of others. In the past I became bitter when I found out my friends were having fun without me in Hong Kong like they forgot what we had and moved on so easily. When I met up with an old best friend, it felt alright. We were different, we were somewhat the same, we grew up. We only existed in each other's memories and now living in the present, creating them also, even if for briefly a moment.

Ever since then the idea of a 'best friend' didn't really... jive with me. I never liked the term, I tried for a while, and at the moment look back and still say I'm not really into it.
I've learned that I'm a person who likes her eggs in many baskets. People disappoint so it's better to spread them out than have to have them all shatter at the same time.

Favourite song as of now? Over You by Daughtry. Lame, emo MV but I like the lyrics. It's a song that's dwelled in me from December to March. I've been feeling like this for a while- not to the extent of the lyrics itself, but when I first heard this song on the plane flying to HK, I was hooked.

God, sometimes it's easier to not love.
I'm tired of pursuing.
It's so wonderful when someone actually cares to listen to you. And then I feel guilty when people actually listen because it feels like I'm just dumping all my emotional garbage on them.

A family friend in HK is having problems integrating herself and her family in the city. Prior to settling in HK, she lived in Vancouver and would visit HK. When she went to visit, friends flocked to her. Yet now since she's settled down, she's having a hard time finding those friends who used to be able to make time for her. I was listening in to my mom's conversation with her best frien about this particular family friend. She said that my mom's friend is used to having that attention as a visitor in HK but ever since she settled down in HK, she becomes a relatively lower priority in her friends' eyes because she is no longer a temporary fixture.
I've also realized that the reason why I see my life in toronto through rose-coloured glasses is that people are willing to put me on high priority when I visit primarily for the fact that I'm just a VISITOR in Toronto now. I no longer live there. New York is home now, even if temporarily. It's why I am disappointed with relationships here when people don't 'make time' for me although I find time for them. It's probably why I feel more loved in Toronto than I do here.
"You want to go bubble tea? Well you're only here for a week, so sure."
Living life on expiry dates can be a good thing after all.

I wonder what life would be like if I moved back.

This is not a self pity post. I feel so cold right now. Why am I going through this heart numbing cycle again?
I realize I've learned many lessons when I was a lot younger- I thought I was naive, but I was right all along. I thought I grew up, thought differently but no, it's just the same.
So this is it.
The end?

Where's closure when you need it.
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Was talking with Nick tonight:
Nick: i can actually get a decent pair of genes for 20 bucks at UP, stitches
Sam: you know you'vee been in the lab too long when you spell 'jeans' as 'genes'

I am Good Enough.

Something I scribbled sub consciously two days ago. Yeah okay, the figure is derived from one of the Kaba Modern members but whatever. She stood out to me cuz she looked so cool.

The words "I am good enough" are rarely said to our selves. Little do we allow ourselves to indulge in these particular four words that either imply a state of contentness or extreme vanity. To be satisfied with one's self is a rare moment.

I was rereading another blog entry I made exactly a year ago to gauge how I've grown since. I quoted Henry Cloud who wrote,

But, if you don't feel you are attractive, you won't be. If you feel as though you arent' good enough and would only be good enough if you were your ideal, then the real you won't be attractive to that very same right person. He or she wont ever see you because the real you will be hidden by anxiety, performance issues, fears of rejection, narcissism, hiding and defenses- all of the things we call insecurity. If you feel you aren't good enough, you won't be. Not because you aren't, but because you don't feel as if you are, and you show it

Growing up in the world of advertisements whose purpose is only to create a void within people in hopes of also being the answer to the 'problem' they manifested within your self, we are used to feeling like we don't measure up. But at the same time do we really want to say "I am good enough"? A little sense of dissatisfaction gives us a goal to strive for- to be a work in progress, I guess. Because being at a satisfactory state is no fun- we like the challenge, to seek for a higher purpose and to be good enough yet at the same time we secretly never want to reach that good enough stage. Perhaps for a second but never for too long.

It's why I want to take up hip hop. I don't really care to be amazing or to show anyone, I just want to do it for myself- to know that I can conquer something as silly as moving my body around to music. I've always told myself that I'm not good enough to dance and if anyone sees me dancing, I'd be embarrassing my friends and humiliating myself. I want to be good enough at dancing that I wouldn't be too self conscious in a dance setting and be able to enjoy myself.

I'm constantly struggling to understand that what I am is not lacking in anything. That I am beautiful as I am, that I am talented as I am, that I am a good friend as I am. Something in me wants to know that in not being good enough, I can somehow strive to be better at my own will and effort. But I'm constantly being reminded that God sees me as more than good enough and that nothing I do will ever make me better except through Him.

Today (Saturday: I've been writing this for the past few days) was Praise Night. I remember sitting in the audience last year with Robyn vowing to myself that next year I would be up there participating.
And I did.
I thought that by the time the year came around, I would feel more involved at church, happy with lots of friends.
And today I just felt really bad. I started thinking during worship why I joined Welcoming in the first place.
People like feeling needed. On one hand, I like it that people rely on me or give me a chance to serve them but at the same time I'm so tired of doing stuff for people.

I don't want to be selfish and I want to give people my all.
People have always told me to pray for them- for whatever needs they have. I always make the effort to remember them in my prayers because I remember a pastor questioning whether or not Christians really pray for people who ask. It really got to me that I shouldn't be just paying lipservice to sound like the dutiful Christian but that I should always ask God to help them in their time of need.
And I really do, I really do make that effort to pray for them.
Except I never realized that people don't really pray for me. I don't mean it in an accusatory manner but the other day a friend suddenly asked me on msn, "Sam is there anything you want me to pray for you?"
I was a little stunned at the beginning. You mean you really want to pray for me? And I felt an incredible sense of happiness wash over me. I wonder from those who ask me, who follows through with action. I'd rather those who just pay lipservice to the act to not ask me at all in the first place if they asked out of courtesy.

Oh the power of prayer. Lately I've been praying for the gift of corporate prayer- I'm really good at intimate one on one prayers with just God and I but when it comes to praying in and for a group of people, I'm not sure exactly what to say. I'm a very personal person in the sense that I can look at myself quite critically and write and talk about it- this blog is a testament to that. It's the same with prayer; when I talk to God alone I talk to him like how I write here at times being a little more 'cookie cutter' yet nevertheless not in a manner I would pray like in a group. It's not that I perceive my way of personal prayer as undignified but I guess the only way I can say it is that if I don't know the needs of the group, I don't know how to pray for them. I can do the whole "let's talk about our needs and then pray for them" but if you just told me to pray in general, I have no clue what to say.

God has blessed me with solid friendships at RHCBC. This past year, my greatest friendships were forged through those people in Toronto. Now I can look back a year ago and say 'at last! at last, God, you provided me with some true friendships in Toronto- ones that I've been dying to have although my physical self has moved on.'
If you asked me what my Patronus charm would be if I ever had to face the Death Eaters in Harry Potter, it would be that surprise party Alex and Angie threw for me on my birthday. No amount of 'thanks' would ever equate to the overwhelming happiness and gratitude I have.
But now I've turned to my present setting and have become unsatisfied with the shallowness of the ones here. I know it takes time.
Well, after sharing with my small group on Wednesday suddenly people started asking me if I wanted to go out and eat and stuff... following that I found a few girls who were interested in joining the gym with me so about four of us are going to the same one.

I think one thing I'd like in New York are a few platonic guy friendships. I really miss just talking with guys and having that underlying sense of steadiness that isn't really available in girlfriends. Right now I have no guy friends in the city whatsoever.

Okay I went on a tangent... I was doing devos last week and came across this verse I found really encouraging,

Therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is seen is eternal. 2 Cor 4:16-18

I just loved that first line. Therefore we do not lose heart.
Lately I feel like I'm losing all heart when it comes to church here.

One Year Gone// Visionaire: Becoming an Empress// Kaba Modern is the Hotness

Creepy but so pretty... my roommates and I did this in freshmen year

'At the temple, there is a poem called "Loss" carved into the stone. It has three words, but the poet has scratched them out. You cannot read Loss, only feel it.'
-Memoirs of a Geisha
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I've become really nostalgic these days. I'm wishing to relive this time last year. Things weren't perfect but I've fallen in love with the past.

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we'll show you as amazing a time as we can...
...which may not be that amazing
but you'll be with us
so it'll be amazing anyways.

To be included in a circle of close friends is one of the greatest things anyone could wish for. Tonight I went to Brooklyn with two classmates to discuss our project over dinner at a renovated diner known for its menu which changes with the season. That's one thing I'll miss about New York: the amazing food and the atmosphere. Anyway while inhaling a sustainably-grown burger and their dessert of the day: a chocolate mascarpone cake with candied walnuts, a ribbon of caramel and a dollop of cream, we talked about high school, parties, wine and food sustainability. One of my classmates wants to revive the whole Salon party idea in which people got together to discuss matters of importance over a good meal. They asked me what I did back in high school- I told them I was really tame since I surrounded myself with levelheaded friends who weren't really into drinking. I love hosting dinner parties for close friends: I mean, all we really needed was a good meal, good friends and good conversation.

It's why I am so perfect for the Welcoming Ministry- I like making people feel at home in an unfamiliar environment and I like setting up the sandwiches and stuff in some pretty pattern. I know it sounds lame but I can do it well. lol. Screw Parsons, I should just become a caterer. jk.

At the same time, I don't understand why when I walk into a room, everyone ignores me unless I acknowledge their presence first. On Thursday I decided to help out with Praise Night rehearsal by dressing up like a harajuku girl while bringing enough accessories to harajukify the rest of the girls who looked too normal to be called one. When I walked into the room full of PARSONS girls, none of them said hi. It was the weirdest, most isolating feeling ever.

I don't know. I'm trying so hard. Trying so hard to reach out to people. They commend me for trying but when is it too much? I saw the welcoming leader for the first time today, she who I deem one of my closer friends at Remnant. She asked me how I was, I didn't want to lie so I said I was okay. She sensed there was something wrong so made the effort to establish a time to meet up tomorrow over dessert.

This was my greatest fear: to be the novelty in a group of people- to be the new girl- and then slowly the interest fades until it becomes nothing. I wrote this over a year ago. Now a year has passed so why do I feel like I've just returned to square one? In a way I feel more empty and miserable than where I first started- to know that I even tried without seeing much fruit is harder to swallow than knowing the apparent solution to my social problems without trying it out.

I was reading an old entry I wrote a year ago: Andrew sent me this quote about giving and receiving love. Just as the heart needs blood flow through it and out of it, we must give love as well as receive it. Without one or the other, love does not function. Using this analogy, I feel like I'm giving a lot but not getting much in return. If you examine my motivations in doing a lot of the things I do, it's for other people. Of course you could say I do it for myself- but I can't explain it anymore than how I've tried.

God, are you listening to me?
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One of the best conversations I had lately was with my friend, Soph, who came to visit me in New york the past weekend. Since she goes to Western, I rarely see her and the one time I did see her the past year was in a movie theatre. During her first night over, we started talking about sustainability issues and talked until 3am discussing ideas. She looked over my sketchbook and loved all the drawings and scribbled quotes I did ("wow did you write this quote on love? That's deep"). We talked about our frustrations with carrying the conversations within relationships since we are both extroverts by nature and about our love for art history and its ability to summarize the philosophies and beliefs of a certain time period.

Yesterday I was running a few errands, tossing a ton of groceries into my canvas tote bag with a large broccoli floating on the top. As I was crossing the street, my right foot caught on shaky ground and I stumbled slightly. I heard a voice from behind saying "wow watch it there. You must be a ballerina."
A little embarrassed at my clumsiness I didn't really look at the guy behind me but said no I wasn't one. It was apparent he was going the same way as me but it was a little awkward for me to have swung around to talk while still heading in the same direction without stopping. He must have looked into my bag of groceries, and said,
"so what are you going to do with the broccoli... I see broccoli and cream cheese... are you going to boil the broccoli?"
I said yes.
"par boil?"
Er, what's that? Does that mean half boiling?
"It's semi boiling- so that it retains a crispness to it without making it bitter. You know when you go to Chinese restaurants and you wonder how they manage to make it taste sweet? Like that. So what are you gonna do with cream cheese and broccoli?"
Um I was going to boil the broccoli to eat like my mom makes it and use the cream cheese for baking.
"have you tried broccoli sprouts?"
Nope.
"They're really bitter but they're healthy for you."

By that time we were standing outside the local gym near me. This guy was about 6' and I'm guessing about mid forties.

I told him I'd rather have tasty broccoli than it being healthy.
"So you're a.. what do they call those people who like pleasure.. a hedonist!"
Errrrrrrr..... Okay I don't go out of my way to seek pleasure as if it was the most important thing in the world. Pleasure is good but you're taking it to the extreme.
"You look like a hedonist"
(in my head I was saying what?!?! I looked down at my clothes- they were pink... is that why??)
"So what do you want to do when you grow up?"
It's complicated and hard to explain. Essentially I want to redesign the system of consumption and production within the fashion industry.
"Wow that's one of the best answers I've gotten in a long time."
Yeah it's abstract but that's what I'm interested in. What do you do?
"I'm a camera man. I worked for Dan Rather. Do you know him?"
Errr I've heard of him... (I really could not remember where though- I thought he died.. lol)
"The news anchorman. Filming his shots were tricky because you had to do it from two sides.....I also worked in film before- I did some videos for Betsey Johnson. they were crazy"
Oh that's really cool. Yeah I know who she is! Crazy fashion designer. So where are you from?
"Actually I was born in the city."
Wow so you're from the rare breed of native New Yorkers.
"Yep."
Alright well it was nice meeting you. Maybe I'll bump into you some time around the gym- I live down the block.
"Oh you do? Even better, I'll take your number down and we can discuss more about your field of study."


Yeah that was the most random conversation ever. I ought to stand in front of the gym more- it seems that most of the people I do meet are right in front of the gym. -_-

So I finished this j drama series called 'Jotei'. Despite the usual Asian cheese, the main character, Ayaka, reminded me of, well, myself. Now I'm not looking to become an Empress of the night world and to sell my virginity to the highest buyer but we both have the same strength and determination to get to where we want. While she wanted to take revenge on all the rich, powerful people who sought to oppress her and her mother by becoming the owner of a hostess club, I'm looking to start my own company that rivals Zara. The one thing that I really did get out of this series is that an Empress is created from the support of others. I know I can't do this whole sustainable fashion company alone. I know I need to find people who have the same vision as me in order to get this thing going. It's why I don't mind talking about what I want to do with anyone because you never know how they could contribute their two cents into the project. I've already emailed one textile company in Quebec pioneering in closed-loop system fabrics on a possible collaboration.

A recent friend called me a visionary.
I said I liked that term.
Yes I'm a visionary. I can think outside the box- I spoke to Soph about this. We both had the idea of creating clothes from nano-technology. Why couldn't clothes be actual microchips that merely projected a garment onto the body that was both a covering and tactile to the touch? Imagine how much closet space we could save plus every time you got bored of an outfit, you would just have to send the chip back to be reconfigured into another design. It was really exciting to be talking to her about similar visions that we had.
I can only dream things up. That's the role of the designer: to explore alternative views on how to live. No offense but engineers aren't the most creative bunch- give them a goal or an objective and they'll follow through with it. But I need them to realize my ideas because I'm obviously not smart enough to do it on my own. I spoke to one of the Loo people about my vision since he was in engineering and looking to study hybrids and wind energy, and he responded, "where do I sign up?"

Who will join in my fellowship?
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I am addicted to Chris Brown's Wall to Wall after watching Kaba Modern's dance version of it. The girls are so frickin hot. I am officially a huge fan of 'America's Best Dance Crew'. Kaba Modern is the hotness.
Kaba Modern's Live Audition is the bomb. Frick I saw this and was totally bowled over.
Episode three to Lil' Mama's 'G-slide' was sooooo cuteeeeeee.
Episode Four was amazing too: asian nerds vs sexy robot girls. Now that's awesomeness. LOL.

Now you know why I can be so easily swayed- if I see an interesting visual, I'll probably like the song because I can conjure up a picture associated with the music.

I've found a bunch of church girls who want to take hip hop lessons. HAAHA. Now I really want to take hip hop after watching Kaba Modern. And perhaps I can get over my fear of dancing AND get fit (which I need urgently).