Hm well my day didn't start off the way I wanted to. Our toilet got clogged with crap in it so I spent an hour literally bailing out all the water and my roomie and I had to use the plunger at least five times before it all went down. So gross. I had to clean the entire bathroom to santize it.

Other than that, I went to meet a few new friends I made in class and we went up to Columbia University on 116st because apparently the campus is really nice.

Omg, it was absolutely gorgeous. I'm so envious of them. Their entire campus is enclosed among these gorgeous Federal style buildings with trees and grass surrounding them. Their library is a white dome with pillars while their philosophy building looks like some classical greek piece. They had white tents filled with different clubs and people were just lying around and one band was playing really loud music. Sigh. It was amazing.

The Mathematics building is ten times prettier than any of our Parsons buildings. So is the Philosophy building. Sigh. The sad thing is is that I've started analyzing architecture according to it's traits. I saw this building we were walking up to: "Hm.. Doric columns, white dome but with eagle statues on the front.. This must be from the American Federal period of the 19th century!" Unfortunately the building was closed but we managed to ask the security guard a little about the building and found out it was built in the 1890's... Yes!!! I know so many useless things!

I realize that I will never be able to experience the same kind of university life that most people have. Our buildings are ugly, small and pitiful. We have no common area where students can hang out- there's no sense of community. School is basically where we do work and then we all go our own seperate ways. I want to transfer to Columbia!

After that we met up with one of my friend's friend and I showed them St John's Cathedral and then went to the Hungarian Pastry Shop to satiate the sweet tooth. We wandered around the area, saw a glimpse of water in the distance and walked over there yelling "There's water over there!" Yeah I have not seen so much grass, trees and water in such a long time. Haha.
To top it off, my friend's friend showed us to this pizza place that sold GINORMOUS pizza slices. We all ordered a jumbo slice for $3.75.... I don't have pictures as of yet because both my camera batteries died on me in the middle of the trip so I'll show you just how ginormous the slices later. :P

Overall, it was just a lovely day because we had such gorgeous weather and surrounded by such beauty. It was great.

In three weeks, it will be one of my friend's birthday and they're gonna have a pre party which includes going to the MET, and Central Park for a picnic and row boating. :D I've already invited myself over.

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Anyway I figured a slower cheaper way to learn/improve my cantonese is to watch more canto films... and I found this one called 'Shopaholics' and it's so frickin funny. It's basically about a lot of messed up people: Cecilia Cheung plays an impulsive shopper who was left orphaned in the middle of a shopping mall.. LOL. And she is sent to a psych who has a problem with choosing things (indecisiveness) and had an ex girlfriend who was addicted to thriftiness. But she meets a guy who wants what everyone else wants and they all end up trying to marry each other. It's hilarious. Okay I will stop here.

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I don't really like makeup other than concealer. My roommate was trying her new mascara on me but since I have Snuffleufagus eyelashes (you know the elephant in Sesame Street whose lashes slope down), I can't be bothered with eyelash curlers and mascara in the morning. I looked into the mirror after she was done, and I look really... ugly. The other time, she tried to add depth to my very Asian face by adding darks and highlights onto the sides of my nose and I seriously looked retarded- like she was trying to bring out my flat nose by adding a contour around it. Even with 'professional' make up artists never seem to 'improve' my aesthetic- I told the lady who did my prom makeup NOT to line the bottom of my eyes but she insisted and I ended up looking like a panda/bruised.

So I must conclude that I look perfect without makeup. By default. Lol.

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The one thing I'm not really fond about in dating books, including Henry Cloud's is the mini 'rules' that they set.... don't call him too much because then he'll lose interest because you seem so easy. Don't appear to be so 'busy' but don't look too available either. They say don't play hard to get but at the same time, appear as if you do have other interests than him. -_-

When it comes to these things, it makes me very self conscious and overthink. Why can't I be me and do what I think is right? What does it matter if I am the first to msg him on msn? I just want to talk. Sheesh. They just start to sound like any other girl magazine.

Light Stuff: Videos from Youtube to Romantic Comedies

First of all, major props to Mo Pete:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5l0ge4sU35E

That shows you there's always hope even when all seems to be in despair. :P

So I want to improve my Cantonese so I decided to youtube Eason... because I don't know much canto stuff so I typed him in... and found this video! Eason is so cute and this performance showed me he's a real singer... because most of the time, live concerts prove they rely too much on computers to edit music... Omg it's so cute. Eason is emasculating this dude in a wifebeater (who has a great body.. LOL). HAHA. So freaking cute.. EASON REMINDS ME OF JOSEPH... HAHAHA. He's so dorky! Look at how he's dressed. lol I can't stop smiling while watching this:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=dd0RVbBn6k0&mode=related&search=
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So yesterday Robyn and I walked to small groups, I saw this restaurant and the follow conversation took place:
S: OMG, look Robyn! look at that restaurant! The name!
R: Wha? Comfort food.... haaa... funny name.. Comfort!
S: NOOO...above!
R: Mayrose?
S: Do you remember the scene in the Devil Wears Prada where Andy meets up with her bf after she quits her job... they met at the Mayrose!!!
R: Omg. You are insane.

Yeah so I found the restaurant they were in for the last scene. HAHA. Hey, if you watch the movie that many times, you gotta start entertaining/amusing yourself with interesting/new details. LOL.

Tonight I basically did nothing other than go to the garment district to get fabric swatches. I was supposed to go to a Trunk show but my roomie told me last minute not to go so I basically chilled at home and watched Monsters Inc. After that I felt like watching a romantic comedy... but examining her 50+ dvds and my own small 20 or so collection.. we have absolutely zilch romantic comedies! My most 'romantic' is Bridget Jones and Love Actually while hers is The Notebook. Other than that, that's it. Hm I should get a few but can't think of any really good ones.

Anyway, back to Eason/Nicholas. :P

ANTM// The Factor of Physical Appearance// Good Quote

I bumped into my old roomie a few weeks ago and she asked me if I watched America's Next Top Model. I haven't watched the past few seasons because I'm not really interested in the drama as I am in the actual photoshoot and end result of the photography. Anyway I decided to tune in again. It is something I would not admit back in grade 12 but now my idea is that if people don't like it or think it's stupid, oh well.
Anyway the photoshoot this week required the contestants to be photographed as men while assistant male models were transformed into women. The two above were my absolute favourites- the left one looks like a poetic, wistful Sinbad. The other had the challenge of looking 'gangster' and added her own 'grill' with tin foil and had the funniest series of poses. The contestant herself has an accent when she spoke English but she still made the effort to ask the more Americanized girls to teach her the whole 'gangster style/attitude' type of thing.

The Factor of Physical Appearance
My roomie sent me the following link on dating relationships. If you're not christian, it's pretty funny in a disgusting sense:
http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html
It basically breaks down the female/male brain in terms of desired attributes and all this crap. It really is a piece of stupid 'ideology' that mocks the idea of purity. Why I posted it if it's full of crap? I don't know why I thought but after seeing the Male pie chart it struck me that looks really do matter. Lately I realized through reading material and talking to some, that the former is true. I always had this utopian ideal that physical appearance didn't matter. I know that sounds really weird considering it's me but I think it's because I've read so many books on how inner beauty is so important and how outward beauty is so temporary and fleeting, that I seem to think that's what people really believe. Haha I had some idea that real, spiritual men did not really look at exteriors and went straight into the heart. Shallow men= appearances.
I know it seems the complete opposite of what people believe and it sounds a little incredulous coming from someone who is studying to make surface decor for the body but I think it's because of the overdose in Christian 'inner beauty' mantra that has made me believe that people actually saw that first. I have written a post in defense of how you first make an impression with your appearance but I don't think I really fully 'understood' it until now. When they said men were more 'visual' than females I didn't really weigh that in because I am an artist thus am just as visually stimulated as men. However I realized it was a different viewpoint- I think a lot of females don't fully understand that either. Or they do and use it to their own advantage. Short shorts to us are nothing- although I don't fully understand the mind of the male I guess it's different.. I think. Not sure.
With that I realize I do have to be a little more sensitive in terms of not causing others to stumble and what I post up verbally and visually. I think what I wear is not really an issue- I think.
I think another reason why I rejected the idea of physical attraction actually having some major playing time in the court, is that the people around me are constantly harping on it. As someone who is always seeking an equilibrium, I hear my roommate saying how she's fat and how she has to stop eating and all that.. and it tires me like no other. I hate hearing it because it's a bunch of self-made poison that's just killing her on the inside. No one likes to be around a negative person and listening to all her self criticism that really is not a big factor in the terms of beauty. I think she's pretty, I think she's attractive. You know what, I think Parsons has some of the most gorgeous girls I have ever seen in my entire life. With a 90% female pop, it's hard not to have some of the finest females in our school especially since we're a fashion school. The roomies had a talk once about this: NY vs LA and yeah, Manhattan really does have an overwhelming population of gorgeous (skinny) femmes. Okay I've sidetracked. Point is is that I don't think there are many hideous females. :P

Fall 2007
My initial reason for posting was to vent about the upcoming semester. I'm having a lot of trouble signing up for classes because I'm sure the good ones will be closed indefinitely to us IDC students. Sigh. I'm just really frustrated about everything and I feel like I'm being forced to take certain classes that I clearly do not want to take (yes I did give the course a chance- twice that is and both times sucked so I don't want to waste my $20k on a lame course for a third time). Someone mentioned something today which kind of pissed me off. I think it's okay if I criticize the major I'm in or if my roomie does because we are both expressing our frustrations in this experimental-like program. However when someone else puts it down and laughs at it, it really annoys me because they're basically laughing at my entire major plus everything that I have worked on thus far.
In the end, I don't think education will really teach us anything about the intended industry that we are all going into however I do believe experience is the real teacher.

Good Quote
Andrew just sent me this quote by the notorious Henry Cloud (and company) which holds true for me personally:

adults who grow up in military families often report this dynamic. they'll move twelve times in as many years, and htey quickly realize that they probably won't see their classmates ever again after each school year. to survive, they simply construct an adaptive front that lets them make a few acquaintances and not get rejected by the class, and that's it. no one gets close. they stay self-sufficient to keep form experiencing overwhelming loss and abandonment. and they often hold it together until they grow up and try to pull off a marriage - at which time disaster erupts.
make friends with your needs. welcome them. they are a gift from god, designed to draw you into relationship with him and with his safe people. your needs are the cure to the sin of self-sufficiency.

I don't think I've noticed it until lately when trying to get to know people. I realized that I have this natural reflex to just not feel anything when around people who are clearly inviting me to places or trying to initiate something. Last year I never felt this because I didn't talk to anyone at church- well anything more than a "hi my name is Samantha, nice to meet you." type of thing. This year I am trying to get into the loop of things however I don't get excited when people ask me out for lunch (well a little) but in my head it's like "get this over and done with" idea. I think I've semi recognized this and now it's pretty concrete with this Henry Cloud excerpt. I'm one of those moving, constant traveler with a wealth of culture/knowledge who has become quite independent due to the 'need' to move. However I have to figure out a way to go from independent to interdependent. I want to be interdependent. I do want to be able to rely on someone, perhaps in the dating/marriage realm, but when it comes into practice, I have difficulty actually accepting it.
You know what, the reason why I turn to MSN is because the internet, as much as I'd hate to admit, has the ability to continue relationships despite the criticisms of the lack of physical presence. However people like me, cannot afford to be choosy so I find MSN to be one of the driving forces in continuing, maintaining and even creating new relationships. It allows me to continue those short lived and shallow friendships and gives me the ability to dig deeper. Of course this has its downfalls but I can't complain. I do have friendships that are still up and running and flourishing due to the primary fact that MSN is allowing me to stay connected with those people.

Sooner or later I'll have to apply for Bloggers Anonymous or start my own club of one.
I honestly believe no one is following this anymore.

Design Philosophy// Applying Henry Cloud Initiatives

Design Philosophy in the Terms of Head, Heart and Hands

--> Whoohoo. I got 100% on my History of Design exam. Basically memorizing design philosophy, dates and designers. I learned a lot of random stuff like.... the philosophy behind different types of wallpaper (I will never look at wallpaper the same again). You can either see this as a nit picky thing or the vastness of design philosophy transcending all corners of life from the most minute to the grandest.

In a previous post I quoted the author of the book I purchased recently, 'Fashion: A Philosophy' on how even fashion is seen in theology- their 'sexiness' and the trends of each decade and so forth. And a prime example of this can be seen within design philosophy itself. The Industrial Revolution was taken by a storm in the early 19th century to the 1850's where the World Exhibition took place and called for cheap, mass produced products that everyone could afford. One of the leading designers was Henry Cole who shunned any kind of design that tried to hide function under form or anything that tried to imitate nature. He believed that imitation was the worst offenses of design, rather one should take inspiration from nature and incorporate it into his work to make something new. The Arts and Crafts movement was spurred by the Industrial Revolution of the early 19th century and called for a Socialist viewpoint where art should be used to elevate the status of everyone and to create pleasing objects that would give pleasure to both the craftsmen and the people who buy them. William Morris, the leader of this movement, called for all things to be created by hand. Unfortunately this kind of conflicted with his Socialist viewpoint because some of his famed wallpapers were too labour intensive thus were too costly for the average Joe to purchase. From there we see other smaller movements like Gothic Revival which called to use art at a spiritual tool. Art was to point to God. Thus all furniture and art had a sort of Medieval touch to it and all furniture looked like miniature cathedrals. We then see the Art Nouveau period come in which inspired by the French Symbolish movement in literature where realism was shunned for the sensual. If you think of Moulin Rouge, you've basically captured the ideals of the Art Nouveau period in the 1890's (oh yeah I know my dates!). They focused on graphics and commercial art which depicted idealized women in the idyllic life full of sensuality: flowing stylized hair, ornament over ornament. Later on we see the Modernist movement come in where they shunned all this 'garbage' and called for the return to the basics- the fundamental. They embraced the machine and new materials such as chrome, frosted glass and steel. They despised historicism and believed that in order to create and invent, one must never look to the past. They believed that objects should never hide their function under ornament. Decoration was despised and thought of as unnecessary for the gleaming chrome represented purity and progress. The Modernists of the time believed that moral integrity had to be fused together within the realm of art and design. Thus designs for standard mass housing came along. Le Corbusier, whom I am sure everyone has heard of or at least seen his furniture (because it's all over- people are just not really aware of it) proposed that Paris should basically demolish every ugly historical building in sight and set up standard houses which could be stacked on top of one another to house everyone in.

I can apply all of this to the book I'm reading called 'Head, Heart, Hands' by Dennis Hollinger. Within the Modernist movement, standardization was key where morality was an important issue. Rationality, purity and fundamentalism became the forces that drove designers within the Bauhaus movement to create what they created. However this 'mass housing' idea did not work. Why? Because it focused too much on the mind and suppressed the need for individuality and heart. There's a famous house that was designed by a Modernist who REFUSED to take upon the suggestions of his patron who was a widowed old woman thus when it was finished, she hardly lived in it. This insistence of returning to the fundamental, became cold, distant and impersonal. I believe that in every human, the need/desire for ornament is a necessity to set apart the self from the community. Perhaps not in terms of frills, ruffles and bows, but in terms of setting a style in living space or fashion. There is that desire to add a personal touch to symbolise ownership.
In terms of the heart, the Art Nouveau and Arts and Crafts periods basically embody that kind of ideology which focuses on the more 'feely'/interrelational aspects of human nature. They shunned the idea of standardization for sensuality, colour and sexuality (the latter only applies in Art Nouveau). However the Arts and Crafts period in ideology is good however in practice, fails to help the very people it intended to help.

I just finished the different parts on 'Head' people from the reasons why we all must delve into theology, critical thinking and the fundamental beliefs that we all normally gloss over to the negative aspects such as the 'theological snob' or self deception (a false sense of security fed by too much head and little else). He lays out all the points clearly yet 'fails' (okay maybe he addresses it later on) to recognize that people are not ALL mind and nothing else. I believe that people usually lean towards one more than the other but I don't think there are many extremists who are that imbalanced which makes it increasingly difficult to see the faults and shortcomings of either the self or others.

I, myself, am more of a heart person because 1) I'm female 2) I'm an art/design kid. I see this a lot in my blog, considering I overly use the word phrase 'I feel' over 'I think' or 'I believe'. However I do think that I am a Head person. Before you laugh, let me say that though I am not the Head person that Hollinger defines or anyone else for that matter, a person of the Head should not be narrowly labeled as ONLY those people who think in terms of the typical, I am generally an analytical person at.. heart. Haha. This blog is a critical look at my self in relation to the world that I live in. Most of my art has meaning (unless they're the doodles you have seen thus far which lean more on expressive) and I find it difficult to design anything or take upon any project without thinking EVERYTHING over. When told to design a collection of twelve pieces, we had to use a piece of music to find inspiration. I chose 'Evenstar' from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack (no lyrics because I didn't want to make instant connections) and did this whole 'feely' thing (I despise the word 'emo' because it sounds so condescending and mocks anything heartfelt or emotionally expressive) where I just closed my eyes and listened to the melody. Then I started writing free associations and came up with words like spiritual, ephemeral, ethereal, angelic, tranquility, serene, memory. Using those words, I decided to look into Chinese pagodas, temples and Buddhism for inspiration. So now I'm creating a collection of twelve looks which ideally will reflect the Buddhist beliefs of truth, symmetry, uniformity and 'centrism'. Haha. How I'm going to do that, I'm not sure.

I just meandered. Anyway for a teacher to just tell me to 'just do it' really does not help me. My style of finding meaning behind work is to really think about it before starting anything. Writing really helps at these times. I'm a critical thinker when it comes to self reflection and the issues that surround me or come into mind. I do, however lack in the theological department because I have little interest in things like pre destination etc. There was a certain period of time where I truly had an appetite for this stuff and bought books on 'Jesus Among Other Gods' or science and the Bible or 'Case for Christ'. That was back in grade 9-10 when we all enter high school and find a need to question the things that we were spoon fed. The primary reason why I am not interested in it is because I'm discouraged. I am discouraged because I don't remember anything I read. Honestly. If I had to get into any discussion/debate concerning on the topics mentioned earlier (if science proves the existence of the bible or proves that Creationism is mere fluff), I would be constantly flipping through pages of the book to find out what the author wrote.
In saying this, it makes it hard to see if someone is all Head but little Heart and Hands. Now I can say that I see others who lean more towards the Heart over hands or the Head over the Heart yet obviously they would argue back by showing the little facets of Heart that they do have. Like me I am more Heart but can argue I am also Head though I know I do lack in the latter.
In the end, all I am trying to say is that it is difficult to point out the shortcomings when no one is to that extreme of just being one though I am sure most of us lean towards one above the others. I guess that's something we all have to work on.
The portion where I think I lack the most is in the Hands actually.

Applying Henry Cloud Initiatives

--> After reading Henry Cloud's take on dating, I decided to use his theology/advice and apply it to my life. However I did not see it as a way to get more dates and solely focus on my non existent dating life but to kind of push my entire social life up all together. Seriously, at the beginning of this year I could list all my friends on one hand plus they are people who I was forced to get along with which are basically my roommates- my friends- my only friends. Three friends. THAT'S HOW SAD MY SITUATION IS. I had no church friends here in New York which is the reason I got so emotional returning here after the summer. It's like going from three groups of school friends, a handful of church friends and family to nothing. Though my relationships in Toronto were not stellar, at least I had something. At least some people at church knew my name.

I started attending Small groups (I had to kick myself to go) and initiating small get togethers with church acquaintances here. In terms of school friends, I found a few people that I instantly clicked with and am trying to initiate weekend chill sessions and finding time to hang out with my working cousin and bf (though I'm scared I'm just annoying them). I'm finding that I naturally get along better with people older than me- two to five years. They are generally more mature and less self absorbed.
I just got invited to a party. :D However the downfalls of befriending people who are older than me is that I can't go to the bars/lounges/clubs in NY. -_- Dinner and dancing at some really pretty boutique hotel. Bah I wish they'd lower the drinking age because it's preventing me from socializing. Honestly, if I can be my own legal guardian and make a levelheaded decision who I think should be President, the rights should naturally follow. When I do turn 21, I am for sure checking out the bars/lounges/clubs here in Manhattan.... why? Because they are so darn pretty. :D

I can't really do anything about strengthening/fostering relationships in Toronto since I'm not present but in hopes of doing what I can, I added people to my MSN list who I hope to get to know at some point in time be it now or in the summer. At times I find it harder to make friends in a place that I already have been at for so long because people have preconceived notions of who you are. There are also a lot of people who I have never been formally introduced and I'm embarrassed to say, but there are a lot of people whose names I'm not really sure of because I've only seen them around. Yet I have been there long enough that people assume I know their name and it seems a little silly to suddenly ask what their name is. I think it's easier for me now at Remnant church to just go up to anybody since I'm relatively new, and be able to introduce myself and strike up conversation than if I were home.

Three glorious months at home. Okay this took two hours to write. Enough.

Word Puns// Finding Love on Craigslist

Word Puns

So when my mom came down, she brought me an entire box of Maltesers. For some reason beyond my comprehension, they don't sell Maltesers OR Aero bars here. So last year after Thanksgiving, I lugged an entire box of Aero bars from Costco and spread the good news to all my roommates, classmates and fellow dorm neighbours. A lot of people asked me what Maltesers were and I'd just stick the bag out in front of them to try what the grocery stores call 'English delicacies'. My friend from Miami said when she returned home, she saw them under that section of the grocery store while in a fashion magazine I was reading it labelled them 'imported treats'. I should start charging people. A lot of people get addicted to Aero- it's really funny.

Anyway one day my roomie and I were watching 'Unwrapped' on the Food network on candy bars and the two bars that were featured in the program called 'Almond Joy' and 'Mounds' were on there. Since us Canadians don't have some American goodies (fair enough since Aero and Maltesers are so great), my roomie decided to share with me the good news of the American candy. Almond Joy and Mounds are basically the same but the Mounds doesn't have almonds in them like Almond Joy. I was trying to tell Kevin about the American chocolate bars that they have here in the following MSN conversation:

[ k ] says: wat do they have
snickers? haha

§åM says: and.. Almond Joy

§åM says: I've tried some stuff we don;t have

[ k ] says: ALMOND JOY? ahhahaha

§åM says: have you had it>?

[ k ] says: NO ahhaha

§åM says: you like the name don't you pretty gimmicky eh

[ k ] says: lol

[ k ] says: if the taste is even half as good as the name

[ k ] says: i be impressed

[ k ] says: 'hows that bar' 'its...joyous'

§åM says: hha. I'll bring you one

§åM says: they have another one... called Mounds

[ k ] says: ....

[ k ] says: HAHAHAH wat is like, like turtles here?

§åM says: it's Almond Joy minus the almonds

[ k ] says: why couldnt they have just called it

[ k ] says: joy

[ k ] says: hhaHAHAHA

[ k ] says: mounds..o mann

I told my roommate and we had a good laugh. Now I really wonder why they didn't call it 'Joy'.

Anyway, my roommate and I were discussing email accounts and I told her about 'Gmail' and how efficient and organized it was unlike hotmail (my account was from gr6 hence the very weird name). She told me that she first heard of 'Gmail' when her brother got an account and at the time she thought 'Gmail' stood for 'gangster-mail'. LOL.

Finding Love on Craigslist

Anyway so she got an account so she could post up an ad on Craigslist. If you don't know what craigslist is... you are missing out. You can surf jobs, post up relationships, even post up 'missed connections' ads... so my roomie put one up:

I am a 20 year-old college student attending a design school in New York City. I'm always too busy doing schoolwork to do go out and have fun but i'd really like to. I really love doing tea, walking around the city, parks, galleries, and going to museums... (where ever the atmosphere is nice) i also love just lounging about and watching dvds while binging on junk food... thats the best i think. nothing beats that. i sound like an old granny but that's just because i do all this... mostly alone...

alas, i do not have any male friends!!! i dont need a boyfriend. In fact, i don't really want one. This-because i am to busy and i can not afford the drama in my life. But i do attend a design school, where 88 % of the student population consists of women, 10% are gay men, and the remaining 2% are either unbelievably awkward or taken. (even so, i rarely run into those in the last 2%) I am not homophobic and i am not a hater. i just REALLY need to make a male friend. NOW. I swim in a pool of homosexual men every day and it has thrown off the equilibrium in my freaking life. So if you are a nice, safe, normal straight heterosexual guy out there who wouldnt mind being in a STRICTLY PLATONIC relationship with a reasonably attractive girl... you need to send me an email... like NOW. Maybe we can chat =] Just preferences: i love smart people, nerdy, clever, everything like that.. I'm not the biggest book-worm myself, but i'm an art nerd, so you'd have to be appreciative of art. not all art... just... don't think i'm a freak of nature... though i sort of am. i hate tactlessness. I also require being with TALL people. I know im not looking for a boyfriend... but it messes with my brain when im with a guy who's shorter than i am. I'm only 5'5''... but i live in heels... so give about 2-3 inches.. its not too much to ask, is it? =D oh and when you get to know me, my superficiality won't bother you one bit, ill have you know.

LOL. She told me she got a midget sent her an angry email about the last part. LOL. Anyway so now she's found a guy who is 28 years old, who was born in HK and lived there for eight years, moved to Toronto and lived in North York and then moved to New York to go to Pratt. How weird is that??? And he's Chinese. He asked what high school I went to and said that he used to play b ball at our gym. LOL. I saw his picture. I told Bonnie he had a very 'template face' like it was a very basic face which you could add things to it. And she totally understood what I was saying. They may go to the MET some time soon.

Anyway, maybe I have to make a post on craigslist. Except I don't want to bother adding random people on MSN. And how sad would it be to say you met on Craigslist. Okay fine maybe she'll have the last laugh.

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It was 25 degrees celcius today. It was insane. Showing leg feels a little weird after having them encased in two pairs of tights all winter. But it was wonderful and a little scary- if it's this warm now I don't want to be in New York during the summer.

Uninspired// I Cannot Think of a Title for This Part of the Post

In my head there is a visuals library. The most spectacular photographs and pieces of work which left an impression on me are safely tucked away in my memory.


This is one of them. It is actually a series from the New York times 2002 with about five other images in the collection featuring some of the most stunning pieces of couture work of the season.

Within one of the articles my mom saved me, a a diagram of a dress was featured on the front cover with arrows pointing to the amount of time spent on each part of it. 400 hours alone for the embroidery and more than 23 yards of tulle for the skirt hence the $100,000+ price tag.

I was in the MOMA the other day with my mom, Auntie Jo and Robyn and I remembered it has been a year since I saw this particular 'sound art' piece in a temporary exhibit and it was so stunning to the ears, it made me reevaluate the way I defined what art really was.
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I don't know why I have little to say these days yet in other months spewing out 3000 word essays. I do not feel compelled to write anymore. I can think of a couple of reasons why- just the thought of the next seven weeks burdens the brain and the second has to do with connections with other people.


All of us bloggers like to believe that we blog because we do it for the mere pleasure for ourselves yet I can say in all honesty, comments really do drive me at times because it feels less impersonal and... sterile.
I'd like to say that I think and act unaffected by others but I believe it really is quite impossible since those who matter to me are in my life affect me be it physically, emotionally or whatever.
Let me say in all... that I can muster, is that when people respond, it makes me want to write. Why? Because I know I was able to reach out to someone and found common ground. Sometimes I feel that this blog should be closed down for numerous reasons that are on my account and the account of others. Things are never black and white nor are my shortcomings and the failures of others. I love writing here because I would not be able to talk like this in person- I could try but it wouldn't be the same and I'd end up blogging a response anyway. Yet I can see this blog being an escape- a method for me to get myself 'out there' to avoid taking the risks to get to know people. I am the author of this blog, I maintain it- in all, I am active yet this is one of the reasons why I am so passive in strengthening what friendships I have left.
A lot of my relationships are falling apart at this time. The problem is not fixing it, but... let's say this. Whenever I get close to someone either I move, they move or both. Time and distance have always been the biggest hurdles to face in all my friendships. And most of the time, both parties are not interested or have the will to maintain these friendships. All common ground that we once stood on, has now been separated. I cannot relate to them and they to me. Last week I had the opportunity to have dinner with a visiting friend who I met in Hong Kong back in grade 6. We've kept in touch, the lost it and then she MSNed me telling me she was going to be in town for Spring Break. I guess you can call that an old friend yet I know so little of her and her of I.
Yes I have plenty of opportunities to make new friends but the idea of it is just daunting and tiring. "Introduce, small talk, make efforts to see each other, attempt to build friendship over course of time and eventually become good friends with a select few."
I am so tired of it. I've taken a new mindset to fixing relationships: "whatever, it's going to die some time anyway." Sometimes I just see people who have grown up in one place, and I envy them because they grew up with some people and have a strong group of friends to talk to.

I never told anyone this because I thought I'd be beating it to a pulp and I did not want to blow it out of proportion:
During the past summer I was at Goldsor restaurant at Times Square with my parents and somehow I ended up 'talking' about my frustration with getting/maintaining Christian friendships- I wanted to host the Slingers bbq since they did not have a venue. I thought it could be a way for me to get to know the people in the team and be able to help out. However my mom either wanted to cap off the gathering at 10pm or did not want it hosted at our place at all since she did not know anyone on the Slingers team. I was angry and told her if it were friends from RHCCC, her church, that she would let me have them over because she would probably know them or their parents. In the end, I was crying and venting at her while my dad was trying to keep the situation calm since we were in a restaurant.
Sometimes I just see my friends be greeted by other aunties and uncles at church... and I wonder if my parents went to the same church as I, if I'd be able to get to know the adults of RHCBC and consequentially, the other people in the fellowships. I remember as children we were invited to family cell groups and I'd play with the other kids while the adults discussed more serious matters. At times I really wish my parents went to the same church as my brother and I, yet my dad feels at home at RHCCC since we were there prior to our move to Hong Kong. My mom once told me an RHCBCer decided to stay at the church because Pastor Herman remembered his name. It's one of those little things that makes you want to stay because it sets you apart from the rest of the congregation/sheep/mass.
At times I would trade all that experience I had in Hong Kong for a solid group of church friends which would have been at RHCCC. What is the point of having painful experiences when I could be oblivious and ignorant but happy with a group of peers?

One day I will find a tree as wide as this and have a picnic under its shade. This will not happen if I stay in New York. All I want to do now is escape this concrete jungle and find a square of grass and lie down with the sun on my face- watching the sky tell the passage of time.

Little to Say

Yay, praise God we got our apartment subletted for the summer. The bonus is that one of the tenants is my cousin and the other a friend from church who took responsibility and understood it was important to not leave me hanging and cut us a deal. I am relieved.
And I cannot wait to go home because Angie and I are combining our birthdays together. :D But cannot daydream or plan until I get more homework done. :(


Tribute to John Galliano's work at Christian Dior. I wish I had models and clothes and sets to work with

So the newest Vogue came out focusing on this whole controversial issue on whether or not to set a standard BMI for all models to follow by- if one girl is underweight, she cannot be hired. I haven't read the magazine yet but it appears that they have some pretty lame articles in there including seven women who obsess over particular 'flaws' YET in the same issue you can find splashed on the front "EMBRACE YOUR SHAPE" and "Curvy and Cool". Leave it to Vogue to put really weird and somewhat trivial articles together and pass them off as something worth publishing.
And the past few months, all websites and magazines have been talking about this standard- funnily enough, all designers say the women look healthy and normal. I was reading one particular magazine which quoted four designers who strongly believed that people were just overreacting. Listen to what Karl Lagerfeld, designer for Chanel, said,
"The idea of ‘regulation' is revolting, but so much today. Models are about looks, not about weight. For me, it's not even an issue; it's part of this new politically correct fascism."
Diane Von Furstenberg, another designer who invented the wrap dress, said,
"Let's not become fanatics."
I'm not sure whether to laugh or sigh in disbelief.
Anyway beyond that, the fashion photography site had a few stunning pictures that I will leave you with because I have nothing to say today. The first I like for its ephemeral, haunted quality and the second for its sharpness and saturated colour.

Spring Break with Mothers// Maturity is not Derived from Concept

Shoe shopping with the moms early in the morning

My mom left today after a three day stay here in Manhattan and so did Auntie Jo. It was very good- overall my spring break was excellent. I wish I could do it all over again. Three days spent with family are gone. The first day my mom's plane arrived late so when she got here she unpacked all the goodies she brought with her to New York including two boxes of yeung chow fried rice (hehe- my dad told the waitress that it was a very important bowl of rice since it would be heading south), Maltesers (they don't sell them here), a huge stack of Toronto Star fashion newspapers, and other randomness. We then went up to Central Park and strolled around and had overpriced drumsticks. We subbed back down and I showed her the stores I liked and bought a teacup and towel and went to City Bakery to buy a couple of tarts. For dinner, New York pizza with Robyn and chocolate galore at Max Brenners (hazelnut praline crepe and fondue. :P)
Yesterday was a total... food tour where we structured the day according to where we wanted to eat. Auntie Jo arrived at 9am in the morning- we had a light breakfast of tea and croissants and sat at Union Square to eat them. Auntie Jo mentioned she wanted to get shoes so we ended up at a shoe store across the park. Four women/girls and two hours later, we emerged with six pairs of shoes. lol. It was great. My mom bought two pairs of Converse (to make her look younger she says), Auntie Jo with boots and work shoes, Robyn with a pair of plaid Converse and I with a pair of sneakers.

I reserved a table for us at a famous restaurant called Balthazar down in the Soho district- a French bohemian restaurant which was packed with a lot of Woody Allen art types and rich women with their boyfriends. Duck shepherd's pie, banana ricotta tart, flaky apple tart, lobster bisque, salad.... I haven't eaten so well since Christmas. Expensive lunch but lovely.
Fast forwarding, we ended up at the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) and saw a huge line snaking outside and around the periphery of the building- there were at least 150 people outside. We realized it was 'Free Fridays' so basically everyone was trying to get in without paying the $7. I had a family pass (because we're doing a lame assignment in 'collaboration' with the MOMA) and got to skip the lines.
It pays to be a Parsons student... -_-
Anyway the whole point of going there was so that my mom could eat the pear tart at the caf so after seeing some not so inspiring photography and a comic exhibit, we ended up snacking at 4pm. Robyn reserved a table for us at Cafe Mozart- a Viennese cafe for 7pm and I underestimated the distance between the museum and the cafe by about 20 blocks so we basically crawled up there with jelly legs. Food fest it was.
Both our moms decided to treat us to a night at a hotel so we basically chilled there afterwards.
Today we took it slow- went back and I tried to stuff as many things into my mom's suitcase that I didn't really need here. Then we went around Union Square and had breakfast at Tisserie, perused the children's book section at Barnes and Nobles and I showed her the Farmer's Market where we purchased some pear cider and tulips to 'brighten' up my room and fresh peanut butter and blackberries at Whole Foods. I decided to take her around the 6th ave area and popped into J.Crew- a preppy, higher end version of American Eagle. For some reason, Parsons students get 10% discount on any purchases there so I managed to persuade my mom to buy herself a cropped trench coat. Upon asking why I was trying to make her get it, I replied "because you never get anything yourself," and she said "because I came here to spend money on you." -_- We met up with Auntie Jo and Robyn later on and had a late lunch at Le Pain Quotidien. Finding a taxi that would take my mom to the airport was difficult- everyone was off duty and about to change shifts so in the end, I was trying to get one before this other girl and stood in front of a taxi whose passengers were still paying and knocked on his glass to ask if he'd take my mom to the airport. It took 15 minutes- mind you this is New York where yellow cabs inhabit every street. -_-
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Maturity is not Derived from Concept
Whenever someone comes to visit me in New York, I am very hesitant to see them because I know when their trip comes to a close, I will feel an impending sense of loneliness. In a way I have the 'Will Hunting' defense mechanism- pushing people away to avoid having to acknowledge the loss of their presence.

Half an hour prior to the time my mom would have to take a taxi to the airport, she offered to peel an orange for me to eat. When she said that my eyes started to well up and I had to shut myself in the bathroom to fight the tears away. As I said in my previous post, I have become so independent, gestures like this, makes me happy. When my mom was over she helped vaccuum the floor, put away a few things and paid for things and I felt so extremely grateful to have her around for a while. I miss being able to rely on someone at times.
I considered asking my cousin to bring her homework and sleepover to numb that loneliness since my mom flew back to Toronto. In this case, I choose loneliness because I know it is critical for me in order to mature is to understand loneliness chosen.

While trying to find a better cell phone plan online, I recalled the first two months of my freshmen year at Parsons. When my cell phone bill arrived in my mailbox, I didn't understand how to read the bill and why it was over $100, when I hardly talked on the phone and when I visited the store to ask they gave me a lot of attitude and confused me even more and made me pay a $5 service charge to pay my bill. I cried out of frustration because I didn't understand anything.

You do not truly understand nor mature until you live away from home. Though I am not independent from my parents' financially, I am in the other areas of life. I pay my own electric/gas/internet/tv/cell phone bills, deal with rent and property management, school tuition fees, clean and maintain the apartment, laundry, buy groceries, and cook. I keep a record of the money I spend on food per semester- I told my mom today and she seemed a little surprised. And I do not think I will really learn the value of a dollar until I start working.

In the past, people gave me advice on how to deal with loneliness, dating, living independently,connecting with other Christians and church. They quoted books yet somehow cannot themselves, apply this material to their own lives that they so freely give to others. All they have are concepts and little experience. They boldly declare what OTHERS say yet when it comes to application, have little personal stories to back it up. They are like cooks reading recipe books and recommending a fellow colleague to try the 'butternut squash soup' without having tried it themselves. Would you not follow a recipe unless someone tested it and said it was good? Personally since I'm living on my own, I have been asking my mom and a few of my friends who like to cook to recommend me certain tried and true recipes that are easy to make but good to taste. I do not try recipes that people tell me are good which have not been tried because I can easily go on kraftcanada.com and pick any random recipe and it would be the same.
Although I do not read as many self help/Christian/theology books because let's face it, I am just not interested and don't have the time. However my blog consists mostly of what I myself have experienced and little of what others say. I do not want a blog that consists of endless quotes of what others say and I admittedly at times, dislike reading people's blogs that are full of endless italicized quotes by published works. Because if I wanted to know what the author said pertaining to that certain subject, I would go and read what he/she wrote. Give me your side of the story, what you thought of it, how it transformed your life. I want to know how you feel about it, what you think about it, how it applies to your own story. Testimonies are not built upon what a certain author said on a certain concept. They are built upon real life experiences and personal stories. Reading the Bible cannot be replaced by Christian books because books can only give you a certain viewpoint on a certain topic. The Bible is open for interpretation- five people can read the same passage and get five totally different viewpoints from it.
I do, on the other hand, try not to overlook the importance of a foundation which can be built by books in order to give me guidance. The dating book was most interesting and I actually tried doing what he recommended. And now when I look back in meeting Sammy, the more I admire him for his understanding of self worth despite having very little to show for it- he was not afraid of rejection.
I see many Will Huntings in people- they can give a clever, bulls*** answer to anything and everything in life and the universe yet are too scared themselves to do anything. They can spew out advice and guidance without understanding what the other person is going through because they themselves have not experienced it. They cling to their books and give their two cents according to what an esteemed author writes yet refuse to listen to the advice of others. They know formulas yet are too afraid to test them. All they know is what other people have written on similar experiences yet have not gone out and lived it.

I'm waiting.

Thought Bubbles// A Reflection to an Excerpt from an Email

Uh... bored on train and the vibrations of the car was making my hand shake while I was trying to create some clean swooping lines but I guess you got to work with what you got. So the left is basically a ton of scribbles drawn close together to create linearity.... new style- more like an experimentation to see what kind of quality of drawing I'd get out of scribbly goodness. Yes I know she has a giraffe neck. Please click it because all the detail/scribbly stuff is lost in the thumbnail. The right was taken from a certain shot I remember from Marie Antoinette. No reason- just wanted to draw a figure on the diagonal- or should I say on the bias of the fabric.. hehe. Okay no one got that.

I don't expect anyone to watch this since it's fashion:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VY9cSwT7-zI
Ever since the FIT exhibit on Ralph Rucci, I have been a strong advocate of his work. He's extremely humble- very few people know about his work. He's very quiet about it- extremely thoughtful and critical in thinking. But the interviewer asks him of this in the end:
With so many clothes out there what gives you the drive to create more clothing?
He answers:
One part is constantly striving for something new. and-uh- and the other part is I think that this is my life- you have to make it meaningful. There is no such thing as a compromise.
His clothes aren't groundbreaking in sense of form but they are in construction and technique.
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So how did I get onto Elle Magazine? That question is the reason why I didn't want to tell anyone. Elle said they were interested in seeing something from me because they saw some of my stuff and told someone to ask me. If you want more details you can ask me over MSN. I don't want to share here.
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On the ride back, I was contemplating my previous posts on tact, bluntness and honesty.
I'm tactful in person because I hate confrontation and if challenged and provoked, it just boils within until I let it subside. Some people call it 'bottling your emotions', I call it 'holding the tongue'. Yet apparently my face and body language betray me. However here I can write whatever I want because people choose to read.
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A Reflection to an Excerpt from an Email

A certain someone sent me an excerpt from a book.. Hm....
'Someone' + 'book'=???
:P

Our loving heart, like our physical one, needs an inflow as well as an outflow of lifeblood. and like its physical counterpart, our heart is a muscle, a trust muscle. this trust muscle needs to be used and exercised; if it is injured it will slow down or weaken.
we need to take responsibility for this loving function of ourselves and use it. love concealed or love rejected can both kill us.
many people do not take ownership for how they resist love. they have a lot of love around them, but do not realize that their loneliness is a result of their own lack of responsiveness. often they will say, "others' love can not 'get in.'" this statement negates their responsibility to respond. we maneuver subtly to avoid responsibility in love; we need to claim our hearts as our property and work on our weaknesses in that area. it will open up life to us.

I do not know if this really reflects me. I was pondering this on the train ride yet I think this is only half true. Because my first year in New York has thrusted me into an environment which requires self discipline, self motivation, self reliance- I became quite independent emotionally, physically and most of all, spiritually. I wrote before that whenever I felt sad, I cried silently sitting in front of my laptop motionless so that my roommates would not see me in another state other than that of cheerfulness or stress (which I showed little of unless I wanted sympathy but of course I could handle it myself). In going to church I told myself every week that I was fine and that going alone was easy because I never really had established, solid Christian friendships- so why now? Some people call this self deception, I see it rather as a way to push me to go to church every week. It was self motivation- to make myself go to church I had to tell myself something to push me to go. It worked in terms of my perfect attendance every Sunday of 2005-2006 but did little for my spiritual growth with others.

My roommate once told me that I was "perfect" in terms of discipline, work ethic, efficiency and reliability- I never forgot my keys to the apartment, I always had my homework done and readings done for the following week. That was my self-discipline- anxious in nature, I have to get things done to allow me to relax.

Self-reliance was always hard- trying to navigate around the millions of people on the sidewalks with a map in your hand, a little at loss with where you are going. You know how they said that first you must become independent to be fit for co-dependency (in terms of dating/marriage)- you must be able to be satisfied/complete in yourself before finding another, I think that was what drove me. Self reliance: to prove to myself that I could function in a world outside of the sanctuary of my home and the care of my family. I could kickstart my own life and fashion my individuality and kindle the creativity within. However I think that independency has gotten a little too far and relationships suffer because I forgot the end was not to become an island, but to co exist and connect with others in the spirit of community, friendship and love.
On the other hand, I did have the co-dependent relationship with God- I did. I relied on Him to help me with literally every 3D project I had (come to think of it, this week marks a year since that hellish picnic basket/table I had to make) and praised Him for pulling me through each one of them giving Him the glory for every success (because you really cannot fail in art- you just learn from experience and criticism) and giving me a great set of roommates. I prayed that God would give me some solid Christian friends but when nothing came, I thought it was not meant to be. However every action has a cost: I become very independent in terms of human relationships. Sometimes in receiving care either photocopying the readings to buying me a cupcake, I get suspicious and wonder if the giver is expecting something in return or wants to see me fall somehow. That part of my nature was created from a year as a freshmen to live for God yet somehow away and apart from people. I knew that God wanted the best for me yet did they? When certain people openly say that they want to know me better as a person- not someone from a blog but face to face, it renders me speechless. That kind of humility and openness immediately makes me either want to close myself off or I'd feel so at a loss for words, people take it as if I really am closing myself off.

That part of self dependence is still deeply rooted within me. My mom is coming to visit me for the next three days and as soon as I came home from Rhode Island, I soaped the bathtub and toilet, vaccuumed the floors, took out the recycling and garbage and washed the stove, counters and sinks. I want to show my mom what independency in New York is like and what self sufficiency is- not some trashed up college dorm room with sticky floors of dried beer and unmade beds but pristine, clean and comfortable. I pride myself in exemplifying something like that of Bree. The reason why I love Desperate Housewives is because one character whose existence relies on being the perfect wife with the perfect husband and children- whose appearance is always immaculate and whose house is always clean, reminds me of me. Although her life is falling apart in her relationships she keeps the appearance of being put together. I'm not saying every time I see any of you that when I smile, I'm suffering deep within, but there is that tendency within me to not show weakness. Every so often, people comment how physically weak I am- or at least in my appearance anatomically speaking, and I guess it somehow drives me to prove them wrong. I can carry my own groceries, manage my own schedule and find my way around the city. I was watching an episode of 'Sex and the City' today- okay before you dismiss it, hear me out. Carrie writes, "under every single, strongly independent, successful woman- is there a delicate side of her that wants to be rescued?" Something most women hate to admit. It reminded me of Captivating by John Eldredge. Actually it really was based on the entire idea of the female desire to be rescued perhaps not by that knight in shining armour but by the humility and servant attitude of others (okay I added the last part in).
Perhaps this applies to me- like Miranda, I do not want to be seen as the 'weaker other' who does not know how to do anything- that self sufficiency thing has taken its 'toll' in the intangible. Or perhaps its my fear of humility/vulnerability and ability to just ask. I realized that I have issues just on asking people things. I went to the Manhattan Vintage show alone because I didn't want to hear my roomie say "no" if I asked. I guess it is my way showing independency in both aspects of work AND play- I can entertain myself just fine and do not need accompaniment. I also dislike asking people to take a picture of me which is why I basically photograph myself if alone. Just the thought of having to ask someone to commit a selfless act of focusing on ME through a picture in their absence of being present in the picture just makes me not want to ask all together. Because I know what it feels like to be the photographer and not being able to participate within the boundaries of the frame itself. Sometimes when I look back in photos, I feel like I was never there in the events because I was always the painter and never the subject matter. In the last days of gr7 in HK prior to my departure, I took many pictures of my friends yet when I got them developed, I realized I was not in any of them save a few. That was my turning point actually because I could not go through life always being the photographer but never being photographed as narcisstic as someone thought I may be. Yet I still hate asking people to take pictures of solely me. With a group of friends, that's fine because it's for the cause of a collective but not when it comes to an individual.
I just remembered a quote I read in this article once. A group of women decided to host 'Beauty Nights' for underprivileged women and single mothers who were lacking in attention and care: volunteers would give them manicures, cut their hair, do their makeup and bring treats. I remember this quote ever so clearly because I wrote it in one of my letters to Tania a long time ago,
Touch is about trust, allowing someone to care for you.

One thing that I fear most is that friends, acquaintances and people perceive me as novelty to satiate their curiosity. If I tell them something that is very close to my heart, they would digest it and leave- I would be useless to them because the shortlived curiosity would have been indulged in. What vulnerability I had to offer was just being used to satisfy their need for an injection for connection.
I guess that is how I see my blog in some aspects. You choose to come, read, possibly comment and then leave. It is disposable- at your whim you could be entertained with my thoughts and quickly forget all that I decide to share.
And then what else is there that I could offer to you to keep you interested in knowing me? I would always have to come up with something new for you to delight in. So I have leaned to the other extreme- to that of self dependence. Even here I express self dependency in just talking basically... to no one. To a blank page. As much as I'd love to issue out a response for you, I cannot do that.

To be loved. That is the rawest desire of all humanity yet we all choose to seek it in different ways. My roomie once just hugged me and I stood there like... a guy. Sorry, that's what I picture when my mom hugs my brother he just stands there like a limp noodle. My heart is so poised in expecting shortlived relationships, it never really sees that this mindset is jeopardizing and stunting the growth of friendships. But how can I bring this to a closure? All good things in life never really end- they constantly mature like fine wine (though I hate the taste) or the sound of an old violin. I think my lack of trust in people and fear of vulnerability is the cause of my self sufficiency. So I guess this entry has turned full circle like the illustration of the heart- the inability to receive due to an aspirational image of independence to be followed by codependence in people was taken too far thus I must be able to accept the help and love in humility to give what is lacking in myself.
* * *

In ending this, I perceive this to be one of my better posts- I play favourites. Whether or not this is meaningful to you, what I initially thought was a quick response became something more introspective in realizing the faults and imperfections of my self.
Yeah... I titled this post 'Thought Bubbles' because I thought the entry would be spurts of randomness. So much for that. Instead I ended up fleshing out an entire quoted email- kind of spurred on by 'Evenstar' which is from the LOTR soundtrack. -_- Ponder, spiritual music. Okay I'm tired- too much thinking- sorry if it's incorrect gramatically or stylistically, it's 2:15am and I'm sleepy.

Rhode Island Illustrated

So I'm back from Rhode Island with..... 219 pictures. LOL. Three points:

1) There's nothing to do there (we ended up at a tourist attraction called 'Starbucks' where I started laughing because I saw a bunch of Brown Uni kids doing a crossword.. and ended up sitting there doing it myself for 1.5 hours). This is my first time seeing a real house since I left Toronto.
2)Amazing art gallery- the highlight of the trip

3)All the guys are straight and real nerds. :o

LOL. It just crosses my mind every time I leave New York- no more tight jean boys with Chanel glasses and large tote bags!

Robyn and I took the Amtrak to Rhode Island and lo, it was snowing... to make matters worse, two stupid boys were playing on the tracks and our train had to stop for 20 minutes to make sure they were okay. I amused myself by watching bits of Marie Antoinette and I just made the funniest discovery. You know I'm a nerd when I've been pressing the 'pause' button every two seconds. Well I was watching the 'Shoes and Cake' chapter and paused it to examine a pair of shoes when I saw this:

LOL.... do you see what I see? I literally tripped out (and I never use that word :P). Why is a pair of Converse sneakers in an 18th century, French Rococo film??? I had a silent freak out on the train and made Robyn watch it. Now I'll have to show my roomie when she comes back. I wonder why they did that. It's hilarious though because I've been watching this scene at least twenty times and I never noticed that until now. What the frick?

Yeah after that I watched 'Zhou Yu's Train'- this very figurative movie about a poet who writes a poem for a girl he likes and she falls in love with her poems over the poet etc. It's an abstract film starring none other but the great Gong Li..... I watched it because I was on a train. LOL.

So when we arrived at Rhode Island it was snowing.. A LOT and we weren't sure where we were going so Frodo and Sam had to trudge up Mt Doom to find shelter.. Hehe. Look what got caught in the snow. I thought it would be a nice creepy picture to take:

Yeah we stayed at a bed and breakfast. It was really really nice:

The highlight of my trip was the RISD art gallery. There was a special exhibition on foliage, floral and birds within Japanese and Chinese prints which was inspiring. I also got to see the most extensive Japanese kimono/textile collection I have ever witnessed in my entire life. It was heaven. Haha.... and then while passing by a window, we spotted this strange glass room with a ton of paper hanging so we went to look at it. It was a senior project done by an industrial design student at RISD. It's basically an interactive piece of art: she cut up paper into flowers and foliage and strung them up from the ceiling. It was so much fun taking pictures.. It must have taken her ages to cut all these flowers and string them up. It was beautiful though:

Robyn looking up and me being stupid and me being too tall was obscured by paper and 'fontage'.
I was also intrigued by another work by a student which he called 'There Was a Man Who Made a Tree Just so that He could Chop it Down'. I like it. It reminds me of deforestation. The one on the right was one of my favourite pieces from the illustration department- it was painted on clear film. The artist calls it 'Conscience': the way she applied the colour to display the delicate texture made the painting look ephemeral. I loved it:

We tried to wander around but there literally was nothing to see- but we did get Joseph something: Shakespearean Insult Gum.

HAHAHA. I wonder if it tastes like 'spearmint'.

We also stopped by the Brown's bookstore to see what art books they had... I fell asleep reading a book on artists and the meaning behind self portraits. On the way out of the bookstore to eat at an old fashioned diner (very good for very cheap), my eyes fell on this book within the 'literature and culture' section:

I couldn't believe my eyes. It was a total impulse buy but whatever. I didn't read the back cover well enough and assumed it was for the industry only to find out it's more of a critical examination of the standards. I've read almost a chapter- it's interesting. It makes the claim that fashion encompasses the trends in philosophy (that we 'choose' what theories appeal to us: "Fashion naturally also exists among academics and intellectuals. They have to do with subjects are 'in' and which are 'out', which approaches are 'sexy' and which are not. It would be naive to believe that all this is governed by completely rational considerations, since it is just as much a question of constantly shifting taste." p15). Whether this is true or not, I'll have to read on. More posts to come on this book- which so far is a lot better than that Christian book - he actually studied history and dress historians and philosophers like Descartes and Immanuel Kant.

Happy Birthday, Blog

A week ago I was reading old posts and realized today marks the third year I have had this blog.
And with this, all I will leave you for now is an excerpt from my very first post. In a way I proved myself the use of a blog that my grade 11 self did not perceive at the time. It's also been a wake up call in a way- reminding my present self how I have become the very person I was describing. In tracing its past, I do hope I have become someone better and more mature in Christ. However long this blog will last, I pray that it will continue to serve as a place for self reflection and a canvas for ideas and exploration into the self and others:

Blog? Lol.. Exactly what you do in a blog is beyond me. Just ramblings and stuff but I do that all the time whether it's in emails, letters, msn or in my English essays. I've been around reading a few people's blogs and I think they're very sincere. So maybe I'll give it a go cuz I'm too tired to make layouts and do all that enormous amounts of html.. My brain space can be used for other things than codes of 'src' and <>. But that's my opinion. Seriously, what benefits does one have for making a page? A form of expression, that is true.. but in the long run, if you don't take it as a profession, it's kinda useless. But making layouts is fun.

The title of my blog name 'Anatomy of an Artist' actually came from a newspaper article from the New York Times. And I thought it was kinda nifty. Anatomy: Structural makeup. A separating or dividing into parts for detailed examination. Artist: On who professes and practices an imaginative art. A person skilled in one of the fine arts.

It's been most interesting reading everyone's blogs (and I respect their opinions) and one of the main issues that keeps popping up in everyone's blog is the fact that we are in the middle of a shattered community of friends. I know I've only been declared as part of the 'UHS crew' (if I can say so) perhaps only this year, but here's what I say to all this. It's funny how everyone of you feels alone and believes that no one else understands how you feel. But have you noticed that each one of you has been 'stepping into each other's shoes'? We've all heard of the saying "try stepping into the other person's shoes and see how they feel like". Well you guys do that without noticing it. Here's a quote that I found one day:

"We are all so much together, but we are all dying of loneliness."--Dr.Albert Schweitzer

Very true isn't it. I think that just basically sums up what I think of this whole 'issue'. You may be thinking "No one understands me" but you understand each other so well because you know how it feels like to be alone. Perhaps it's because we all wallow in self pity and are disillusioned from the bigger picture. We see the fragments-a puzzle piece or two- yet not the completed image. It's like we each isolate ourselves onto an island yet we do not see that in reality it's a continent: a whole....

"The Box Man knows loneliness chosen, loses its sting and claims no victims."-Ascher

Be comforted that even if you drifting away from some of your peers, you are drawing closer to others. But cherish those whom you have known for a long time.

The Artist in Me: Expressing Music on Paper// Elle Magazine: Undescribable Shame

Click it.
Er... the fruit of four hours of drawing to the same song, 'Thunder' by Nuttin But Stringz over and over again (60 times in one night.. yeah I kill songs but that's signature Sam). They're nothing amazing but I just had the sudden urge to doodle in my lacking sketchbook. The first was inspired by Art Nouveau with the likes of Mucha, Aubrey Beardsley and Klimt's Watersnakes, the second was just to see if I could draw people correctly from that angle and the last one is a very stylized depiction of me- obviously don't have a body like that; I stole the poses from a couple of fashion photos. The left one was a nude trapped in this huge nylon mesh- so I'm not showing that out of courtesy. But I have noticed that there are a lot of nude photos in fashion editorials.

My roomie didn't come back home until 5:30am so I had a blast just putting my music on real loud and drawing with my brush ink pen and bobbing my head to the music. Lol. Friends have told me to go out more but I honestly enjoy spending time alone- it doesn't bother me that much to an extent. I like having the privacy to do whatever I want without having anyone watching me- I can spin around and dance like an idiot or play the same song 100 times. Who cares?

Frick the instrumental version of Petey Pablo's 'Show Me the Money' is so good. The strings are :o. Now to look for the chords so I can play it on my violin... I wish we did some of this contemporary stuff in high school. It's repetitive but... that's the point.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=RAGQ3U9u_x0
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Elle Magazine: Undescribable Shame

Robyn's roomie came up to me today and told me how effortless the way I put my clothes together was. Haha. It's not. It's from examining magazines, fashion websites, blogs, forums and history.
Since March is safely tucked away behind us- yes it is since magazines come out half a month to a month early- I can say I was in the March issue of the US Elle magazine. There, I've said it. I don't know why I find it something to be embarrassed or ashamed about but I do. I've known since early January- around when Urbana was taking place. Wait. December. And I did not tell anyone until two weeks ago to my best friend and my mom. The only people who knew were girls from church who ran into me and said "omg you were in Elle! We saw you!" I don't know why I struggle so much with trying to accept the things that I am interested in- it makes no sense. I'm sure most people don't care that I like what I like and those who snub it are just plain shallow but I am still embarrassed to tell anyone. I don't mind telling people I'm studying 'fashion' and 'sustainability' because it's still a legit major. Yet when it comes to things like styling, putting clothes together and shopping, I clam up. If I can say so, I have a strong sense of aesthetic style- I'm not boasting, I know what looks good together for myself and like pairing things up people usually reject to make it more appealing OR some very popular piece and restyle it to appear like something else. Ironically it's the people who care about their dress are the ones who don't take themselves too seriously (I'm not saying everyone is like this- some). They're oddly enough the ones who don't care to stand out and just have fun with outward appearances- that's me. The ones who want to just blend in are the ones who do care what others think. Personally what I wear is not pure function but what the heck- as long as I can walk it's fine. I usually don't like telling people what to wear because... I just don't. You can wear what you wear, I don't care because I don't want to be perceived as another judgemental, stuck up fashionista who weighs appearance over character. I'll cast judgement but at the end of the day, who cares, honestly. Everyone forgets (although I must say I remember very arbitrary pieces people wear... I remember being at SALT and was really bored and examining this guy's white shirt.. I think it was Ecko or something.. with red stitching normally used to finish the ends of garments called 'serge' and rather than using it for practical purposes, it was used on the neckline to create a decorative stitch. LOL. Sorry, I told you it was really random- ever since I took sewing/construction classes I've been examining how clothes are put together). Anyway...
Even my roommate doesn't know I'm in the magazine- I had it bookmarked and she picked it up and I hastily pulled out the marker that was holding the page. A few minutes later, she asks me why I was trying to hide something and I gave some stupid answer. The most ridiculous thing is that I'm in a predominantly fashion school where everyone literally is wearing a pair of heels and toting a Marc Jacobs bag.
I don't know if it's because I care what people think of me- no it can't be since I ended up going to Parsons. It is more like I do what I do because I love it but I am careful to let people know I do have depth. I think that's why I have so much problems executing projects- because I seek meaning and originality within each and be able to convey something be it an issue or expression.
It's a question that remains open-ended because I can't resolve something at an instant. As it always is, it's an internal issue I myself have to deal with and no one can really solve for me.
Last night I prayed that God would sanctify my life and to be used for His good purpose and to mold me into a better person because I feel like I am so far away from it.

Rhode Island tomorrow. We're staying at a Bed and Breakfast. Whoohoo.

djfkalsdfna.

Sorry for all the posts but I was looking at Deviantart and came across this photographer (www.zemotion.net). She takes all these pictures that are just beautiful.

The huge hurdle that photography faces in differentiating itself from other forms of art is that unlike painting and drawing which requires training, any person can take a photograph with the click of a button. Plus it takes everything so literal it's hard to exemplify anything. But personally beyond all this philosophical talk (yeah we discussed the plight of photography in our class), I just love how the camera can capture such beauty. When it comes to photography, I don't care if it's overly literal. I just am in awe of the lighting, contrast and subject matter and how perfect the moment is.

Well this particular photographer takes a lot of self portraits (the first three) as well as fashion photography.

Dang I wish I could do that. I guess with a face like hers, any photograph looks good.
Every time I photograph my own face, it looks really messed up. I'm not joking hence there are no pictures of me.