Thought Bubbles

Too tired to write lengthy posts, so I'll just keep my thoughts in small containers:


Central Park with Derek and Jon

Soph came the past weekend. It was interesting and lots of fun. correction: lots of eating. I took her to six restaurants in one day. LOL. We spent one night on youtube. It was pretty sad and funny at the same time.
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Robyn and I have been talking about incorporating a Sunday School (CD Team as we call it at CBC) class during the summer that focuses on how environmentalism plays into the lives of Christians today. Largely an ignored topic amongst the church, both of us believe it's a fundamental issue to look into if people are so interested in helping others. So currently we're trying to collaborate with my dad who is drafting up an environmentalism/christianity sunday school at RHCCC.



New book I got on Amazon! Dicusses the phenomenon we are experiencing in the present where the public is aware of its unsustainable habits yet shops even more through the purchase of 'eco' and 'organic' stuff rather than taking political/educational action.
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So my roomie and I were baking cakes for our former roomies and talking about how guys are so clueless when it comes to making special moments special.. and we were talking about how we'd make such great guys and suddenly had the idea of collaborating and opening up a small company that dealt with these clueless guys. They'd hire us to figure out what would make their sweethearts melt on Christmas/New Years/birthday/Valentines Day... that'd be one awesome creative business. And one potentially awesome chick flick movie script. It's more tongue-in-cheek to the typical wedding planner job. And I want to call our company 'Textbook': for those gus who have to do something beyond what the textbook cites. :P We can pick flowers, create experiences, atmosphere, gifts, setting.. yeah my roomie and I would ace the job.
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The Other Boleyn Girl: 6.5/10 stars.
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I'm rich. I really am. Many people say that they're middle class citizens but looking at the past two decades of my life, I would say I'm well off. I have all my needs satisfied- even more than the basics. I can afford good food (even desserts!), an education, a health plan, a wardrobe of clothes that I probably don't need but have anyway, multiple entertainment systems and an apartment in the heart of Manhattan as well as a beautiful house in Toronto. Who can say that I'm not fortunate? All my life, all I have known is wealth. The most impressionable years growing up- those spent in HK- were spent taking swimming lessons at the Aberdeen Marina Club, going to an international school that boasted four blocks of six storey buildings, traveling to Singapore and Japan during our holidays and naively ordering room service since we hadn't developed a taste for sushi then.
My parents have given me everything. What do I know of hardship, of trial and struggle? As much as it is a blessing, it can also be a curse.
I was doing my Sustainability Ulec readings this week which had to do more about young couples' financial struggles than with the environment itself. This part made me really depressed:

"No young man who is just starting out to make his fortune can support his wife in the style in which she has been accustomed to live if her father is a prosperous man. He hasn't the income at 25 or 30 that father has at 55 or 60. He can't give his wife the clothes, the house, the servants, the luxuries which her father gives her.
And while the girl may be willing to do without many of these and live in a mcuh simpler manner, there is no denying that it is bitter hard for one who has been used to having pretty frocks to have to go shabbby, to one who has never even had to make her own bed to have to cook and wash and iron, to one who alwas had plenty to be harassed by debts.
It is hard on the young man, too, who marries a girl who has been used to having everyhting. It hurts his pride to feel that he has dragged her down from affluence to poverty, and it hurts his pride to have to deny her the luxuries which are necessities to her.
It is hard on him financiall because she doesn't know how to save, she doesn't know how to make the most of a few dollars they have and she is a handicap instead of a helpmate. No man has the right to cultivate lingerie and crepe de chine tastes in his daughter and then expect a poor young man to supply them. It isn't easy to change the habits of a lifetime and unless a girl is of exceptional strength of character and has an unusual capacity for love, she will grow dissatisifed and peevish, fretful and whining, when she faces all the hardships of a poor man's wife."

Yeah. In other words, Sam is screwed. When your memories of Singapore and Japan are those spent at the Ritz Carlton, thats NOT a good sign. The strongest memories from my past travels to Malaysia, Bali, Shanghai are all memories of the hotels. Frick.
At the same time, I do not plan on sitting idly waiting for a man to rely on financially. I will go out to make money with my brilliant idea that requires major funding to begin with. LOL. Sigh, you can't win.

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Small groups consisted of 'sharing time'. Well no one did any sharing beyond the typical small talk. I got a little fed up so I basically told them all that I wrote in my past entry. That way, I was able to break into everyone's shells and people started talking about more intimate things. I thought I was going to cry because my voice kept cracking. Where this will take us, I dont know, but hopefully I'll get to know them better.
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Well it's finally March. It's been almost a year. Looking back at the past year of social experimentation, all I can say is... wow it was great to begin with but as time passed, a really painful experience. I guess it was for the better. I guess.

The unbearable loneliness of being and wanting something More

She Lives on Cloud No. 9

Lust,Caution came out on dvd finally. I've been eyeballing it since I was in HK but unfortunately the dvd was only one disc while the HK version was two discs. Severely disappointed with the lack of behind the scenes content especially the absence of a soundtrack clip on what the composer was thinking. Sigh.
So this afternoon my roomie and I changed the dead batteries of our remote controls, divided our cakes into half, brewed tea and sat down to watch a raunchy sex film. lol. Just kidding. Well we ended up skipping all the sex scenes and just examined her with her clothes on and the diamond on her finger. To me the movie was beautifully made and I understand the reason for the blatant sex scenes except they're not really pretty to watch so I just skip them- they take up their own chapters in the movie.

On the other hand, I love this part of the film: It's when the girl is singing to the guy and it's just a really beautiful scene because I really like the song which is in a rather traditional style of singing.
Sorry there are no english subs, but it's basically about a seamstress and her lover.
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From an old draft
Uh I know it's a little too early to be thinking about this but I'm already starting to plan for May 3: the Sakura Matsuri.
Ever since last year's experience at the botanical gardens, I'm officially obsessed; I did a project based on the cherry blossom experience and it's a theme I always draw on in my stylized sketches and an inspiration when it comes to designing sustainable systems.
And I'm daydreaming in my classes, not listening to the teacher, wondering what to do this year when I get there. I hope it's sunny. I think it's as close to God as I'll get. lol.
If I could, every special event of my life would take place under those blossoming trees- well maybe just one but I'd love to get married under those flowers. lol. You don't even have to pay much for decoration- it's all there for you, naturally, God's special gift to us.
Yeah I'm so obsessed with them that as my university graduation gift, my mom is going to take me to Japan for a week in Spring break to hopefully catch the blossoms in bloom there. :D Crossing my fingers- I hope I land there when they're in full bloom.
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A couple of weeks ago a friend and I went to watch 27 Dresses. It's one of those movies that has a predictable storyline: girl is in love with her boss who falls in love with her sister. She is destined to always be the bridesmaid but never the bride and ends up falling in love with this wedding column writer called Kevin who is ironically, sarcastic and cynical about the whole idea of weddings due to previous heartbreak. Typical. Served up on a platter: I'll have a cheeseburger with a grilled onion and a side order of fries, please.
Despite its rather unoriginal storyline, I found myself relating to the antagonist quite a lot. She became the girl you could always rely on, who said 'yes' to everything- and essentially the equivalent of what Wong Fu Productions calls 'mr. nice guy' except the genders being reversed.
Today, while at small group, I went from feeling really normal to hitting rock bottom while singing 'Light of the World' during worship, to the point I just stopped and stared at the lyrics on the paper.
For some reason, while singing I realized that I have been taken for granted.
I know it's a selfish thing to say but I think I say this with sound reasoning. Initially I thought the fault was mine: perhaps I wasn't trying hard enough or perhaps I was making myself too available for people. When people needed me, they'd message me and rant to me about their relationship problems or about getting around new york or if they were bored, would just drop by to fill their schedule up.
For people, I bake, I clean, I let them stay at my place, I try to talk to them and initiate conversation be it in person or online, I make personalized gifts for people by hand, I am on welcoming team making the sandwiches during the sermons and greeting/ushering people to their seats, I attend small groups, I take photographs for people, and I plan birthday parties.
I do this all out of love: I love my friends so I plan things for them, I go out on outings with them to keep them company, I am on Welcoming Team because I know what it feels like to be a newcomer attending a strange church for the first time and I let people stay over and clean my place up so that they have a decent place to sleep in in order to have enough energy to have fun in the city.
When the Waterloo kids came down, they were surprised by the fact that my roommate and I swept, tidied and cleaned the apartment up for their arrival: they said they never do that with their own guests.
And for all this, I feel really overwhelmed and unappreciated. I hate knowing that this year I'm trying and trying without little fruit. And I hate it even more that I still want to try in the hopes that if I push enough, I'll get somewhere as Henry Cloud says it. I'm always the 'yes girl' who a friend goes to lean on when she needs help. I'm always the one initiating the conversation be it online or in person and having to carry it all the way through without much effort on the other person's behalf. I'm always enthusiastically saying 'yes!' to events be it going to buy cupcakes in the meatpacking district or taking a walk to some celebrity suite. But I'm so tired of people cancelling out on me. I really am. I'm so tired of being rejected: I told a friend last week that we'd get together to watch a movie and have shabu shabu but she ends up scheduling a movie during the most awkward time so I just ended up canceling it. Another friend emails me to ask if I wanted to have lunch with a few other juniors, and I said yes but when I call the day before to confirm, she tells me she has too much homework. I have been shafted by the same friend three times in the course of four months. I'm scared of rejection which is why I never host events because I know people will just say they're too busy. So I always end up waiting for people to find me.
What I hate most is when people change plans on a whim without any regard of asking me first if I want to do what they want to do. It's as if I should just tag along with whatever idea pops into their heads next.
It's why I dont' get my hopes up on anything anymore. If anyone proposes an idea or an activity to do together, I suppress my feelings and remain suspicious until someone takes charge of the event.

I have come to realize, I mean very little to many people. I know people have lives beyond me which is why I only call them up once every one or two weeks. That's not too much is it?
I stood in the church office today feeling extremely out of place. The more I try to integrate myself within this church, the more isolated I feel. Why does this always happen? I don't know the people in my small group- and I'm tired of the shallow Bible studies. Today we had two Japanese girls come in from a sister church in Toyohashi, Japan. I knew it would be the typical scenario: the americans would fawn over the exotic newcomers and try their hand at saying things like "nan desu ka?!" or "kawaiii" and try spewing random phrases of japanese in hopes of bonding with these foreigners. I didn't even bother. I smiled, I told someone that 'small' in japanese was 'chiisai', I offered and took pictures for the japanese girls and their new 'friends' (they took a picture of their glass of water with a straw that still had the top of the wrapper on top to keep it sanitary.. they found it hysterical). But throughout the dinner after Bible study I didn't say a word, just eating my noodles and occasionally smiling. They asked me why I was quiet, what was wrong and if I was okay. What am I supposed to say when put on the spot? I just smiled and said I was okay. But I'm not. I didn't smile and say anything the rest of the time because I didnt' feel like it- as much as I wanted to make the visitors feel welcome, I'm so exhausted from giving.
I know Paul encourages us to never stop serving, but I see very little input and a lot of output. And I need fuel to keep the flame going.
You know what's funny: when I'm my normal self, people don't bother asking me what I did during the week or how I am. They always end up talking about themselves. It's only when I was dead silent did a friend decide to ask what I did with my Waterloo friends this weekend.
I'm not growing in my small group. The more I go, the more I resent it. And I feel extremely limited in my church friendships. It's been increasingly hard to meet people and sustain friendships through a limited conversation on Sundays. In the same way, I try with so many friendships, I've begun to resent many of them. I think I'll just into withdrawal.

I know we should serve for the glory of God. But I'm having a hard time serving without much support. I love all my friends with a deep desire to want to know them better, but I feel closed off from many of them. The main character in 27 Dresses knew when to say no- there was a turning point in her life in which she realized that life could not continue like this- that she could not just shoulder the responsibilities of others on her own. When will I know when to say 'enough' and leave it all behind? Maybe I just expect too much out of people.

I've always wondered, if I committed suicide or died, who would mourn for me? I wonder how many people I would have impacted enough for them to remember me.

God, I come to you in a crumpled mess. As always.

Five Fun Filled Days! :D

Sitting around with the Loosers

Listening to Ave Maria from the k-movie '200 Pound Beauty.' It's really catchy.

So where to begin? The past five days have just been marvelous and unexpected. Sorry if the following doesn't make sense, it was just for me to record everything here before I forget- which I'm already doing:

Valentine's Day (thursday)

Lighting the candles on the three tier chocolate cake I made for Jess. Our room looks so dreamy like it came out of some romantic film. lol. I specially replaced my fluorescent bulb so that the cake would be bathed in a yellow light rather than an unappetizing blue. Yes I like to design experiences.

It was my friend's birthday and I wanted to make her feel extra special so I decided a while ago to bake this award winning three tier chocolate cake. It took me about two nights to construct it. Since we were going to wear party dresses and go to a french restaurant in Soho called 'Balthazar' and she loved all things French especially since she was learning the language, I decided to theme her gift and called it 'Paris in a Box' thus all objects inside the box were stereotypically french. This included macaroons (because the French like to enjoy the sweet things in life in small amounts), a pair of girly underwear (because what is Paris without the love and seduction??), jewelry (Paris being the City of Lights- you gotta sparkle too. :P), a small bottle of perfume (some of the best makers of perfume are in the country) and a yellow tea cup and saucer (because what's Paris without the small cafes?). All this in a pomegranate pattern box with a silk bow secured with an oversized large rose ring and vintage french-inspired labels on the lid. Yeah you know I like to go overboard- even the card was closed with an 'S' wax seal XD:


'Paris in a Box'

Anyway essentially we were gonna do a dinner and a movie (Definitely, Maybe) so we met up in Soho and had dinner among the four of us (duck confit is soooo gooodddd) and then walked around before heading back to my place because I told her I accidentally forgot the movie tickets at my apartment so I got to surprise her with the cake, other desserts (I found mini chocolate coffee cups and whipped cream into them and placed blueberries and daisies on top), present and flowers before watching the movie. It was really fun celebrating the gift of love with friends. And then after, did laundry and fell asleep exhausted.

February 15th: Post Valentine's Day 'hangover' (friday)

So I found out one of my former roomies was coming into town and she wanted the four of us to hang out. Since both our roomies had birthdays in the summer, my current roommate and I wanted to treat them out to dinner and make them something because they always celebrate ours but us never with them. At 11am my roommate and I decided to mobilize and at the last minute we whipped out random recipes and made up two cakes: we decided on simple plain white cake with a fruit/cream mix filling and the entire cake enrobed in a cream cheese frosting topped with more fruit. Ends up one of the intended recipients came so we had to hide the fact that we were making something for her. My cake turned out to resemble some fairyland cake with bananas and blueberries dusted with icing sugar and a strawberry filling while my roommate chose strawberry and kiwi dusted with more confectioner's sugar with a kiwi filling that looked like a Christmas luau. We thought they looked so hysterical, my roommate rolled out fondant and iced our roomies' names onto the fondant and placed them on a board with the cakes on top:

You gotta love this macro artistic shot of the cake I made. :P

We ate at some french restaurant I found and randomly reserved in Nolita (where we saw the actress who played the princess from the movie, 'Enchanted'!!) and then afterwards we walked back to my place and surprised them with cake. The rest of the evening was spent eating cake, drinking champagne and raspberry beer while semi watching 'Hook'. It was great.


My former roomies holding their cakes. :)

Someone asked me what I had done that day besides bake, I said nothing. I just woke up at 9-10 and then started baking until the evening rolled around and had to go out for dinner. And at night, my roomie and I spent cleaning the kitchen, bathroom and living area. Thus ended my post-valentine's day celebration for my freshmen roomies.


My desk has turned into a cake buffet.

Bringing Waterloo to Manhattan: A Day of Many Firsts (saturday)


Chilling in the impressionist/19th century European galleries of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

So Derek, who didn't really inform me much other than "a bunch of us are road tripping down", ended up at my doorstep at 8am the following day. So with four strangers and Derek in my tiny apartment, they dropped all their stuff off and we headed out. Too much to say but our itinerary is as follows:
Went to Times Square intending to get last minute discount tickets for a Broadway show but ended up too many people there so we left. So we visited the Manhattan Public Library next to Bryant Park.
Metropolitan Museum of Art: we got there early while there weren't many people and just looked around. We went on this great hunt for some famous Washington painting but ended up the gallery was closed. -_- The only girl from the group was sitting inside the Egyptian Gallery and semi slid down the slope of this five step staircase and the guard tells her, "this is not a recommended action."
Thus it became our new catch phrase.
I took the bus for the first time since we all got unlimited fun day passes.
I tried Carnegie Deli for the first time.
I went into Tiffany's for the first time and one of the guys tried to teach me how to spot a good diamond from a crap one.
I went into the Trump Tower for the first time- not really impressive.
I went into the Abercrombie and Fitch flagship store for the first time- it was dark and ill designed. Every floor was the same stuff.
There were a lot of firsts and they all laughed at me because I've never done any of these things yet I live in the city.
We went into the Apple store, wandered around the NBA and Disney stores and then this is the crazy part: the girl from waterloo had a couple of friends in NY whom she met through a tour she did in Taiwan. We all decided to do dinner in St Marks, and those friends brought their own friends, Pat and Pearl decided to join us and they brought one friend from Toronto while Derek invited another friend, who was coincidentally in NY at the same time, and his gf. So it ends up a group of 16 people eating together- four of which I only got to know that morning and the rest right then and there. And by the middle of the dinner, I was able to name every person there. Yes it was a crowning achievement on my part considering I suck at names and faces. The girl next to me became so comfortable with me, that she tricked me into eating a whole chili pepper- I downed three glasses of water right there.
Afterwards we wandered down to Nolita for Pinkberry (frozen yogurt place) which is situated next to 'Rice to Riches'- a specialty rice pudding place and we all got dessert at one of the two stores while I swapped back and forth talking to people.
At night, the sleeping arrangements were quite pathetic: you'd think that as engineers, they'd figure out better ways of slotting their bodies to maximize space and comfort but sadly my roomie and I had to force them to rotate around to make them look more at ease. And it was only three guys- two of them went to an NYU dorm to crash at. I guess when guys are tired, they don't think much.

Meanderings: Engineers, Scientists and a Fashion Designer (sunday)
It's a small small world. One of the guys actually knew my roomie's bf because they went to the same church in Toronto and when he came down for the summer, he attended the same church as my roomie's bf since he recommended it. To make life easier I attended service with them (not before stopping by for breakfast at a bagel store!) and then we departed to Central Park in the hopes of walking three quarters of it (approx 50 blocks) but constantly got sidetracked by random things like a hippopotamus statue park to the bridge where they shot 'Spiderman 3' to a large rock (yeah...) to the famous 'Imagine' mosaic which I had never seen prior to this. We then strategically joined Derek's other friend to get Broadway tickets and ended up with Chicago and walked to get NY pizza... and then off to Macy's where the females went to get the 11% discount card while the guys shopped. lol. and then we ran to the theatre to watch Chicago. It was okay- I like the movie better. I almost fell asleep because it was so stuffy in there. It was pouring with rain by the time the show ended so we ran into the Hershey's store and then to the M&M store (both places which I've never been to before this). I don't know but when I was walking around the three levels of the M&M store I got severely depressed- they were selling the ugliest, tackiest M&M paraphernelia that did nothing but take up space. M&M snow globes, hand puppets, pens, candy dispensers, plush photo frames, jewelry, 'sunglasses' etc. If I ever had to design stuff like that, I'd be pretty depressed. This is what my career has boiled down to: designing cheap ugly stuff for tourists to tell them they need things they actually don't need.
Anyway, a few stores later in Times Square, we ended up in K-town and had shabu shabu at 12am. Interestingly enough good conversation sparked between a few of us concerning extroverts vs introverts, having and being younger/older siblings and what they were looking for in potential dates. One of the quieter guys was wearing a 'HCO' sweater- I asked him if that stood for 'Hollister and Company' and he looked at me surprised saying that that was the first time anyone guessed it right since everyone at Waterloo asks him if it stood for 'hydrogen carbon oxide'. I cracked up so bad. Generally I told them while we were talking about dating, I'm attracted to people who are different from me in terms of passions and interests. All my close friends come from backgrounds in science and literature. It was interesting to see what they had to say about this subject. And how often do I get to hang out with 'normal' straight guys. Not often. Plus all the pent up energy from being stuck in Waterloo studying just unleashed itself in Manhattan- which meant a lot of randomness and spontaneity.
After that we subbed down to Chinatown to pick up their stuff from the NYU dorm cuz I told them to crash at my place and Derek and one of the guys were trying to teach me basic differences between Macs and PCs and the programs/devices/drivers. Yep so six people in a 300 sq ft room till 4am watching youtube and getting one of Derek's friends to give me some new music.


The Waterloo kids in front of the 'Friend's' fountain.

Admit it, I take great pictures. lol. I'm only semi joking- just like Jay Chou behind the wheel in 'Initial D', time really slows down when I'm behind the camera. When I count them down to jump, time seems to slide slowly so my fingers can focus and snap the picture while they're mid air. I took this one with one try. Whose good?? :P

Anyway, we all woke up at 9am because they decided to go to Boston for a day. I was almost persuaded into going for a day as well and then taking the chinatown bus back but common sense told me to stay because I've been having too much fun and no work. So I fed them chocolate cake and a glass of milk for breakfast and indulged them by letting them play around with the random costume paraphernelia in our room and take pictures in the top hats and them sent them on their way.

It's weird to being around five people for two days straight to no one. Well a friend did end up visiting after but still. Odd. Must adjust back to normal life again.

I'm definitely an extrovert despite my shyness- I feed off of being with other people. Although I didnt know any of Derek's friends, it was so much fun despite my inability to join into some of their nerd conversations on whether or not electrons exist. Plus having dinner with sixteen people, I calculated that I have an additional 66 friends using the six degrees of seperation. lol. Plus now I know more people from Loo.
Whew, that was a lot of giving and serving. I had a load of fun but it's been a lot of work serving other people from cleaning my room fit for people to sleep in to baking three cakes to wrapping gifts to taking people on tours of NY. I'm beat. I haven't slept enough despite having Fridays off plus President's Day on Monday.

Ok, back to earth.

The Unreasonable Man

THIS is the reason why I was looking for an underwater camera protector for my SLR. Since Alex is looking into it, I'll just steal his equipment. XD I still want a Canon Rebel XT. Hmm.... is that bad? I'm thinking now about the deterimental effects it would have on the environment if I got another SLR. :S
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A long long time ago,
You belonged to me; I belonged to you,
A long, long time ago,
You left me to explore the world out there.
The world out there is so spectacular,
The world out there is so forlorn,
While you're enjoying the world out there,
I'll be here wishing you the best.


Translated from a song in the movie Perhaps Love/Ru Guo Ai- sadly another one of those obscure songs in the middle of a random scene which I want but obviously they don't have. I'm obsessed with it so I just watch this scene over and over. Here's the official soundtrack version but I don't like it since they changed the lyrics and it doesn't have the same reminiscent/ sad quality of the one in the movie. However you can now see some of the pretty scenes with all the good looking movie stars! :P

Why do I always feel like I'm just watching people? At times I feel like I'm banging on the glass and watching people slip away as I helplessly just stare as they fade into the distance.

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Genesis 22
1 Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.
2 Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."
...
9 When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10 Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. 11 But the angel of the LORD called out to him from heaven, "Abraham! Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.

12 "Do not lay a hand on the boy," he said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

While the pastor was preaching something very similar to a sermon I heard at Urbana on Abraham and his trust in God to take him to the land of plenty, I zoned out by reading more about him and I landed on this passage.
I don't have any new insight to give pertaining to these verses- all I really wanted to say was that if God ever decided to ask me to do something like that, I don't think I could. For Him to ask of me to sacrifice something I hold most dear, especially something that I've wanted for so long and finally got just as Sarah was able to conceive after many attempts, to give it all back to Him would seem rather... impossible.
For example, if I ever did crack the code to creating a functional boutique that could sustain itself without causing any serious harm to the environment, and if God asked it all back from me two years after its opening, would I do it? Would I give it all back to Him?
Or if I finally got a serious boyfriend, would I give it back to Him?

Honestly, I don't know. On one hand I think I would because I'd be pretty scared of the consequences of not obeying God if He was there with me like He was with Abraham, but on the other hand, I would find it difficult to do so. I guess knowing that He is the giver and provider of all things, He can also take away. Abraham knew it was God who gave him a son, and just as He gave, He could take away.
I wonder what was going through Abraham's head when he tied his son to the altar. I wonder if he cried.

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Listening to this after watching 'Across the Universe'. I like it.
A rendition of 'Girl' was beautifully done by the main actor plus he's really cute. :P



The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -Bernard Shaw

I want to read this book- it seems to reflect some of my interests as a designer. I just liked that quote in the front flap of the book... yeah I spent about 1.5 hours at Barnes and Nobles looking at books. :S

Our small group did a bible study on Joseph:

Genesis 39
2The LORD was with Joseph so that he prospered, and he lived in the house of his Egyptian master. 3 When his master saw that the LORD was with him and that the LORD gave him success in everything he did, 4 Joseph found favor in his eyes and became his attendant. Potiphar put him in charge of his household, and he entrusted to his care everything he owned. 5 From the time he put him in charge of his household and of all that he owned, the LORD blessed the household of the Egyptian because of Joseph. The blessing of the LORD was on everything Potiphar had, both in the house and in the field. 6 So Potiphar left everything he had in Joseph's care; with Joseph in charge, he did not concern himself with anything except the food he ate...

But while Joseph was there in the prison, 21 the LORD was with him; he showed him kindness and granted him favor in the eyes of the prison warden. 22 So the warden put Joseph in charge of all those held in the prison, and he was made responsible for all that was done there. 23 The warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph's care, because the LORD was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did.

The one thing that struck me about the passage was God's constant presence with Joseph and through Joseph, everyone else was blessed. Grant me that favour, God, that through me can I bless others wherever I go and whatever the circumstance, I will be useful in Your sight.

I watched Gladiator again with a friend who has never seen it. And I was bowled over by the parallels between Maximus and Joseph- both were put in charge of a large number of people and then accused wrongly of something they did not commit, yet in those hard circumstances the prison warden/gladiator owner entrusted them with duties beyond their initial position and then through a series of circumstances, became more powerful than 98% of the population.

The funny thing about Maximus was that as a general he fought for a cause- the cause being to unite Rome under one single empire for Marcus Aurelius. When he became a gladiator his fighting ceased to have a purpose save entertaining people for a few minutes. While he was warming up in the Coliseum before his fight against another undefeated gladiator, he told Proximus, his 'owner', "There once was a man who had a dream. This is not it, this is not it!" He knew the heart of the one true emperor, he knew that the empire was supposed to cease to become republic and the public was getting distracted by pointless games.
Ironically the movie itself is pure entertainment; nevertheless I want to be a Maximus in that I may never waver from the set goal. He gathered a respect from his peers because he never fell short of who he was and gained the trust of the queen, Marcus Aurelius and finally Senator Gracus.
For the sake of the glory of Rome, he risked all.
Can we now, for the sake of the kingdom of God, risk it all for Him?
Let me keep running this race- I do not know where it will lead me to, but set my eyes on the prize.
Why do we dislike Commodus? Because he is self centered, morally unsound and only cares about gaining respect through deceiving and pleasing people while Maximus is who he is and has a higher goal beyond himself thus attracts people to him.
This time around, I noticed that Maximus' ultimate goal was to go home. Funny, we have the same interest.
My favourite line in the film: what we do here in life, echoes in eternity.


I'm stuck in 2046 with only memories.
我永远都记得. 我无法改变.
J'ecris dans les langues je ne comprend pas parce que je ne veux pas savoir entièrement.
Maintenant, je sais que je chante,
Ru Guo Mei You Ming Tian.

Designing Systems

Yaaaaa! Two people who I consider the most beautiful: Takeshi Kaneshiro and Zhou Xun.
I love movies because they bring out the beauty in the most mundane moments. 'Perhaps Love' (Ru Guo Ai), a Chinese spinoff of Moulin Rouge is not an amazing movie but it's beautiful. When I used to live in HK, never in those five years did I eat at a dai pai dong. Now I really really want to do hot potting and sit at a plastic fold out table and stool with a bowl of $3 meat and rice with a cup of tea. I didn't get a chance this past Christmas because I'm scared my immune system is not ready to take upon the 'unknowns' in local HK food. Funnily enough, the glamourization in movies makes me want to do things like this. I never liked noodles in soup but now I do thanks to j-dramas and asian cinema! XD


A still from 'Perhaps Love.' So pretty.


Sometimes the most beautiful moments in life are the most unexpected. As 'Ratatouille' said, the most predictable thing about life is its unpredictability. On Sunday I didn't have plans (no I was not going to watch the Superbowl) but I mentioned that my friend and I from church should get together to watch Jay Chou's 'The Secret' since she bought it when was in Taiwan this past Christmas. I invited this other girl to come who invited her roommate and we ended up going to a Viet restaurant and having noodles (yes!) and then going back to her place to munch on Hershey kisses and watched half of the movie on her laptop before going out again to get frozen yogurt and then finishing the rest of the film. It was hilarious. We then walked home to the screams and honks of all NY Giant fans.

I've been questioning my passion for in the realm of green design. Prior to this semester I wasn't sure if I was just interested in it because Tania was running Eco Action or if I was just paying lip service to something that needed addressing but had no answers to its problems. But ever since I started taking my sustainability classes, I really do feel the desire to do something about it. The prof really does inspire me to want to take action. The lecture was on consumerism- you know what, our concerns with global warming, deforestation and pollution are problems not because nature wont survive, but because we will perish in nature.
I used to want to design clothes. I still want to design clothes but I've realized the past few decades have been a testament to the fact that everything has been pretty much done and all we are doing now is recycling old ideas and pawning them off as something fantastically original. How quaint. But where I see design taking shape is in the the production, manufacturing and consumption cycle which is still stuck in outdated 19th century/industrial revolution age.
So when people ask me, "what do you want to do?"
I answer, "I want to redesign the system of production and consumption within the fashion industry."
And I just get blank looks.

Most designers are affirmative designers- those who just accept the world as it is, and design around established values.
And then there are critical designers- designers who propose an alternative view of the world. It's not readily accepted because it proposes change- change in which people do not readily accept.
I'd like to see factories have the ability to create clothes as well as purify water. Or how about churning out clean air?

I think the main reason why I want to go back to HK/China, is because I do not want to see China becoming like the States. And I already see it.
In a country that is so vulnerable to outside influences due to its loss in cultural history and knowledge during the Mao period, it is prone to fall for the Guccis and the Pradas that offer an identity in the realm of luxury, affluence and 'power'. If you want to see a case study, diamonds were never an object of high value in the East until De Beers came in a decade ago and started marketing engagement rings for young couples. The job of the marketer is to create a perception of a void in a person's life- and the only answer to fill this void, is to buy into the ideas of the company.
My teacher told me that China has to find its identity in its culture.
I asked her how was possible if all 'culture' they had was in the past. Do they continue living on what they had forty years ago? Living on a myth: that did a lot of help for America at the turn of the century- you saw Revivalist art come in; a romanticization of the past that never existed. Brilliant.

I know, I know. I am just one person. I also can't speak Mandarin. I also have no money. I also don't exactly know how I'll be changing the consumption cycle. But I want to see China becoming everything that America is not. I want to see it being a leader that does not oppress or take advantage of the poor, I want to see China in the forefront in terms of sustainable design.
It's easy to be sarcastic and cynical- harder to remain optimistic and hopeful. But what do we have if we do not remain hopeful? How can I design for a brighter future if I don't believe that there's something better out there?

You want to know why so few of us care about the ecological problems of this world? The option to become more environmentally friendly through the acts of physical change, be it eating less beef to choosing the bus over driving a car, seem like large sacrifices for an idea that seems only to exist as an abstraction. For the majority of us, ‘global warming’ and ‘deforestation’ exist only as ideas because those who consume the most are not the first to feel the negative impacts of our capitalist society; rather it is those who use the least resources, the poor, who notice them first. Those who grew up in suburban America on a steady diet of hamburgers, with at least two cars and derive happiness from shopping and video games are probably so far removed from the natural environment, the idea that nature pays a high price for a single sheet of white paper is hard to relate to.
The idea of self limitation in a society that encourages self glorification, the display of affluence through ‘limited’ luxury goods and capitalistic ambition appears to be a harder sell when the masses have been nursed on ego-centered dreams.

Okay that totally came from a homework paper I did for my lecture but I thought it was pretty true.

What frustrates me most is to see people so unwilling to change. It makes me angry to see so many Christians sit on their fat behinds saying that we should help the poor while they do not see that their demands require 300 energy slaves per household. They do not see the bigger picture- that their cotton is handpicked by the people in Uzbekistan and spun in China by workers who are paid 12-18 cents per hour. We say that slavery has been abolished but is this any better? We are so willing to help the poor so far as it does not requires us to sacrifice anything in return for a prolong period of time. Are you willing to change some of your lifestyle habits for the sake of others? The problem with short term missions is that kids know that once the two weeks are over, they can return to their comfortable lifestyles. There is an option B but for the people they work with on the mission field, this is their life.
I'm not perfect either but I'm slowly realizing the impact of my demands which I perceive as 'needs'. I lost my battery charger for my mp3 player and I thought I was going to die on the subway and walks around town because I like to commute to music. But once it was gone, I realized it wasn't that devastating.
Today I brought a tupperware box to my local bagel eatery and asked them to place the bagel in it rather than wrapping it in wax paper and placing it in another paper bag.
Stop seeing the world as individual sections completely unrelated to each other. The world was designed to be a system- and systems we must live in.
I want to design systems.

Worlds Apart// Fashion Tidbit// Silent Extrovert

The Chinese are geniuses: unlike the New York Garment District where in order to look at a fabric you have to haul it out from under a million bolts to get an idea of what it looks and feels like, the Garment District in Sham Shui Po are littered with small stores that have these kinds of 'business cards': a large card with their business information printed at the top with swatches of the fabric in different colours underneath. And if you forget which fabric you wanted which happens often in NY, you just have to bring the swatch card back and show them the material and they'll find and cut it for you. No more searching in vain! Oh the cleverness!
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Ecological footprint: analysis measures human demand on nature. It compares human consumption of natural resources with planet Earth's ecological capacity to regenerate them. It is an estimate of the amount of biologically productive land and sea area needed to regenerate (if possible) the resources a human population consumes and to absorb and render harmless the corresponding waste, given prevailing technology and current understanding. Using this assessment, it is possible to estimate how many planet Earths it would take to support humanity if everybody lived a given lifestyle.

Okay so I decided to calculate my ecological footprint:

CATEGORY ACRES
FOOD 6.2
MOBILITY 1.5
SHELTER 1.7
GOODS/SERVICES 2.2
TOTAL FOOTPRINT 12

IN COMPARISON, THE AVERAGE ECOLOGICAL FOOTPRINT IN YOUR COUNTRY IS 24 ACRES PER PERSON.
WORLDWIDE, THERE EXIST 4.5 BIOLOGICALLY PRODUCTIVE ACRES PER PERSON.
IF EVERYONE LIVED LIKE YOU, WE WOULD NEED 2.6 PLANETS.

And this was based on my lifestyle in New York. Now I thought, what would it be like if I calculated my lifestyle in suburbian Toronto?

IF EVERYONE LIVED LIKE YOU, WE WOULD NEED 5.9 PLANETS.

Bahaha. This is no laughing matter- I'm just sputtering at the extremities between the cosmopolitan living in Manhattan versus the spaced out lifestyle in Toronto. This is absolutely ridiculous. Though the survey is not entirely accurate for it doesn't take into account many other things that I consume like clothing, art supplies etc and some of the options are severely limited, this is pretty bad as is.

I'm curious to know what other people got on their ecological footprint, so if you decide to do this quiz, tell me what you get. It only takes two minutes to fill out.

So now I'm wondering how I can downsize my consumption levels. Looking at the stats based on my NY lifestyle, the city where I spend 70% of my time in, the number one category that I could alter is my food consumption.
I'm Chinese therefore I love my meat and rice. lol. The problem with that is our demands for beef and pork have a huge environmental impact that very few of us are aware of: in just one quarter-pound burger alone, a pound of corn is required (cause: monoculture), a cup of gasoline, 600 gallons of water, topsoil five times the weight of the patty's weight along with all the greenhouse gases coming from transportation, packaging, cow waste.
Brilliant. So what now?
I don't eat that much beef in the first place- the majority of my meat/dairy consumption comes from my one glass of milk a day, the cream cheese in my bagel and the chicken or pork I consume at night.
Hm, I shall think this over.
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And Fashion Week Fall/Winter '08 commences.
Random stab in the dark but I'm feeling the art look is gonna come back in as well as off the shoulder tops/dresses. Trends these days are no better than fads- they're coming and going so quickly there's no linearity anymore.
Garments to sew over the summer:
-one shoulder dress (no one seems to be making them at the moment)
-backless dress. I saw a french girl in Paris last summer and she looked really pretty.
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Friends always tell me when I complain to them that there's nothing for me to do, that there's always something going on in New York because I'm in New York. I'm not complaining or anything but since my roomie now has a love life, I'm basically living in a studio all by myself. Having lived with someone for the past 2.5 years has made me dependent on the presence of someone always being here. Yes I've complained that I had no privacy and look, I got what I wanted. But in a way the loneliness scares me. Opening the door to see a dark room to waking up alone forces me to confront with the fact that despite the fact that we all have a family and a few friends, essentially we're alone (not counting the metaphysical).

Today is Saturday. I had no plans at all and had to force myself to do something to entertain myself the entire day. It was pathetic. I enjoyed it though. I got my readings for my lecture printed out, went to the art store to get a sketchbook, started my indepedent study on consumer behaviour by sitting in the middle of a clothing store and people watching (it seems that the average consumer looks at a garment for five seconds to determine whether or not to try it on), walking around some more before stopping by a Japanese run cafe to pick up a berry tart, looking at valentine's day cards (I'm a sucker for the graphic design) and then going home to enjoy my afternoon snack with a cup of milk tea (omg I miss HK style tea so much...). Surprisingly roommate was there to pick up a few things before heading out again. Did my devos and readings for my lecture, had dinner, watched a movie I saw in HK stores and did more research.

But in the end, I'm not really the introvert type- I like seeing a friend a day and if I don't, it makes me feel a little miserable because I feel like the day was socially unproductive.

Dum dum dum... it's always good to have physical reminders of people who love you. I keep a box of many letters, notes, cards and mementoes over the past few years from family and friends and I pull it out when I feel crummy to remind me that I'm loved.
Now I want to send Valentines Day cards to everyone! hahaha My excuse to do something for people. I like Valentine's Day- it's fun to plan events and parties, bake cookies and cakes for people, give personal gifts and tell people that they're loved and valued.
Yesterday I was reading up on the spiritual gifts bestowed on us by the Holy Spirit. I've never really figured out my gift.. I'm not sure what falls under the spiritual category. Is serving people one? Because I think I do that best. I like doing it because I like making people happy.

Well at least I know how I'm spending my Valentine's Day this year.

Just wanted You to Know.

Came across a little mardi gras-eque market in Central and I really liked the opera masks but were a little pricey.

More than anything, I want to cry.
Except I can't- I don't feel the overwhelming urgency to because it's not sad enough to induce tears. I don't cry for no reason but I want to because inside I'm so overwhelmed, the only way I can let go is to cry. But this time it's new, what I feel, and it's the kind of prolonged, quiet sadness that just mourns quietly in the distance without much fanfare or applause. I wish more than anything, it was the loud kind where you can just burst into an intense emotional rage because it'll quickly subside and you just feel better- it goes as quickly as it comes. But I know what it is will never go away that fast.

I'm embarrassed to come off as emo all the time- I don't mean to but when I share with people, the words that spill out of my lips seem trivial and stupid.

He saw a photograph and told me she looked hot.
I said I know, that it runs in the family- I have a lot of good looking cousins.
I told him that I disliked her because of it.
He accused me of being mean.
I told him I was just being honest.
He told me I was mean especially because she is family.

You want the truth? I disliked her because she was pretty. And being family it made it worse because I knew the same blood runs through our veins but what she embodies, is everything I am not. Standing next to her in HK, I always felt inadequate. Don't get me wrong, I had tremendous fun with her and I'm really happy that I finally got to know her one on one, but when I see the large family photograph and see how smart and beautiful my other cousins are, I feel really inadequate. One of my cousins, pretty and thin, is getting her med degree and is engaged to a guy who looks like Andy Lau (not kidding) who proposed to her using ten fortune cookies while they were on a ten day trip in Paris. Another cousin is married to the 'heir' of a pasta company while my guy cousin went from architecture at Yale to med school because he was just 'bored' with architecture. My other cousin is acting as the landlady in HK and is managing the property our entire family owns in HK and is dating one of the nicest guys I've ever met. What the heck? God placed me into one of the most well off and talented families.

I know, I shouldn't be complaining.

These days I'm not even trying anymore- I'm wearing the same clothes every day and doing without makeup. I remember this time last year I still took pride in how I looked- I didn't wear any cosmetics then but I had the heels, tights, skirts and blouses. Now I just don't want to try. I'm so ashamed of who I am, when I make eye contact with a passerby, I turn my face away. I decided to share this with my small group on Wednesday to which I got little response out of. And I felt incredibly stupid. I feel myself wanting to go back to that isolated hermit I was back in freshmen year.

Est-ce que je peux-t-etre comme Rui?
Quand est-ce que tu demanderas donc je peut respirer? It's killing me.
Maintenant, je sais les effets quand je construis une monde de la fantaisie.