The unbearable loneliness of being and wanting something More

She Lives on Cloud No. 9

Lust,Caution came out on dvd finally. I've been eyeballing it since I was in HK but unfortunately the dvd was only one disc while the HK version was two discs. Severely disappointed with the lack of behind the scenes content especially the absence of a soundtrack clip on what the composer was thinking. Sigh.
So this afternoon my roomie and I changed the dead batteries of our remote controls, divided our cakes into half, brewed tea and sat down to watch a raunchy sex film. lol. Just kidding. Well we ended up skipping all the sex scenes and just examined her with her clothes on and the diamond on her finger. To me the movie was beautifully made and I understand the reason for the blatant sex scenes except they're not really pretty to watch so I just skip them- they take up their own chapters in the movie.

On the other hand, I love this part of the film: It's when the girl is singing to the guy and it's just a really beautiful scene because I really like the song which is in a rather traditional style of singing.
Sorry there are no english subs, but it's basically about a seamstress and her lover.
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From an old draft
Uh I know it's a little too early to be thinking about this but I'm already starting to plan for May 3: the Sakura Matsuri.
Ever since last year's experience at the botanical gardens, I'm officially obsessed; I did a project based on the cherry blossom experience and it's a theme I always draw on in my stylized sketches and an inspiration when it comes to designing sustainable systems.
And I'm daydreaming in my classes, not listening to the teacher, wondering what to do this year when I get there. I hope it's sunny. I think it's as close to God as I'll get. lol.
If I could, every special event of my life would take place under those blossoming trees- well maybe just one but I'd love to get married under those flowers. lol. You don't even have to pay much for decoration- it's all there for you, naturally, God's special gift to us.
Yeah I'm so obsessed with them that as my university graduation gift, my mom is going to take me to Japan for a week in Spring break to hopefully catch the blossoms in bloom there. :D Crossing my fingers- I hope I land there when they're in full bloom.
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A couple of weeks ago a friend and I went to watch 27 Dresses. It's one of those movies that has a predictable storyline: girl is in love with her boss who falls in love with her sister. She is destined to always be the bridesmaid but never the bride and ends up falling in love with this wedding column writer called Kevin who is ironically, sarcastic and cynical about the whole idea of weddings due to previous heartbreak. Typical. Served up on a platter: I'll have a cheeseburger with a grilled onion and a side order of fries, please.
Despite its rather unoriginal storyline, I found myself relating to the antagonist quite a lot. She became the girl you could always rely on, who said 'yes' to everything- and essentially the equivalent of what Wong Fu Productions calls 'mr. nice guy' except the genders being reversed.
Today, while at small group, I went from feeling really normal to hitting rock bottom while singing 'Light of the World' during worship, to the point I just stopped and stared at the lyrics on the paper.
For some reason, while singing I realized that I have been taken for granted.
I know it's a selfish thing to say but I think I say this with sound reasoning. Initially I thought the fault was mine: perhaps I wasn't trying hard enough or perhaps I was making myself too available for people. When people needed me, they'd message me and rant to me about their relationship problems or about getting around new york or if they were bored, would just drop by to fill their schedule up.
For people, I bake, I clean, I let them stay at my place, I try to talk to them and initiate conversation be it in person or online, I make personalized gifts for people by hand, I am on welcoming team making the sandwiches during the sermons and greeting/ushering people to their seats, I attend small groups, I take photographs for people, and I plan birthday parties.
I do this all out of love: I love my friends so I plan things for them, I go out on outings with them to keep them company, I am on Welcoming Team because I know what it feels like to be a newcomer attending a strange church for the first time and I let people stay over and clean my place up so that they have a decent place to sleep in in order to have enough energy to have fun in the city.
When the Waterloo kids came down, they were surprised by the fact that my roommate and I swept, tidied and cleaned the apartment up for their arrival: they said they never do that with their own guests.
And for all this, I feel really overwhelmed and unappreciated. I hate knowing that this year I'm trying and trying without little fruit. And I hate it even more that I still want to try in the hopes that if I push enough, I'll get somewhere as Henry Cloud says it. I'm always the 'yes girl' who a friend goes to lean on when she needs help. I'm always the one initiating the conversation be it online or in person and having to carry it all the way through without much effort on the other person's behalf. I'm always enthusiastically saying 'yes!' to events be it going to buy cupcakes in the meatpacking district or taking a walk to some celebrity suite. But I'm so tired of people cancelling out on me. I really am. I'm so tired of being rejected: I told a friend last week that we'd get together to watch a movie and have shabu shabu but she ends up scheduling a movie during the most awkward time so I just ended up canceling it. Another friend emails me to ask if I wanted to have lunch with a few other juniors, and I said yes but when I call the day before to confirm, she tells me she has too much homework. I have been shafted by the same friend three times in the course of four months. I'm scared of rejection which is why I never host events because I know people will just say they're too busy. So I always end up waiting for people to find me.
What I hate most is when people change plans on a whim without any regard of asking me first if I want to do what they want to do. It's as if I should just tag along with whatever idea pops into their heads next.
It's why I dont' get my hopes up on anything anymore. If anyone proposes an idea or an activity to do together, I suppress my feelings and remain suspicious until someone takes charge of the event.

I have come to realize, I mean very little to many people. I know people have lives beyond me which is why I only call them up once every one or two weeks. That's not too much is it?
I stood in the church office today feeling extremely out of place. The more I try to integrate myself within this church, the more isolated I feel. Why does this always happen? I don't know the people in my small group- and I'm tired of the shallow Bible studies. Today we had two Japanese girls come in from a sister church in Toyohashi, Japan. I knew it would be the typical scenario: the americans would fawn over the exotic newcomers and try their hand at saying things like "nan desu ka?!" or "kawaiii" and try spewing random phrases of japanese in hopes of bonding with these foreigners. I didn't even bother. I smiled, I told someone that 'small' in japanese was 'chiisai', I offered and took pictures for the japanese girls and their new 'friends' (they took a picture of their glass of water with a straw that still had the top of the wrapper on top to keep it sanitary.. they found it hysterical). But throughout the dinner after Bible study I didn't say a word, just eating my noodles and occasionally smiling. They asked me why I was quiet, what was wrong and if I was okay. What am I supposed to say when put on the spot? I just smiled and said I was okay. But I'm not. I didn't smile and say anything the rest of the time because I didnt' feel like it- as much as I wanted to make the visitors feel welcome, I'm so exhausted from giving.
I know Paul encourages us to never stop serving, but I see very little input and a lot of output. And I need fuel to keep the flame going.
You know what's funny: when I'm my normal self, people don't bother asking me what I did during the week or how I am. They always end up talking about themselves. It's only when I was dead silent did a friend decide to ask what I did with my Waterloo friends this weekend.
I'm not growing in my small group. The more I go, the more I resent it. And I feel extremely limited in my church friendships. It's been increasingly hard to meet people and sustain friendships through a limited conversation on Sundays. In the same way, I try with so many friendships, I've begun to resent many of them. I think I'll just into withdrawal.

I know we should serve for the glory of God. But I'm having a hard time serving without much support. I love all my friends with a deep desire to want to know them better, but I feel closed off from many of them. The main character in 27 Dresses knew when to say no- there was a turning point in her life in which she realized that life could not continue like this- that she could not just shoulder the responsibilities of others on her own. When will I know when to say 'enough' and leave it all behind? Maybe I just expect too much out of people.

I've always wondered, if I committed suicide or died, who would mourn for me? I wonder how many people I would have impacted enough for them to remember me.

God, I come to you in a crumpled mess. As always.