Endings to a New Year
When we think of the turn of a new year, we often think of resolutions to start afresh (or renew). For me this new year started off by closing a few doors:
Well, he got a girlfriend over the Christmas break.
You gotta thank Facebook for keeping everyone so well informed about both social groups and the individuals within them; I say this with a wry smile.
When I first found out, on one hand I wasn't disappointed because as I've said before, time and distance often help sever those feelings I have for anyone and since I haven't seen him for a month, those feelings have dissipated to a little less than a memory and a few blog entries. So what I wrote about heartbreak, I don't even know what that means anymore. Does this constitute as one? I know if I stayed behind this past holiday, I surely would have been devastated but because I have not seen him since, I don't remember the times when my heart would skip a beat when I saw him nor do I remember laughing giddily when talking about him to a friend. I guess you could say it hasn't really hit me... which is why a part of me doesn't want to go to church this Sunday.
It's a known social activity for girls to giggle to each other about guys they have crushes on. It's one of those activities I normally do not participate in because I'm always afraid that if my crush loved someone else, it'd kill me knowing that for some reason I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, good enough...
So in keeping it to myself, it was a self preservation tactic. Upon the news that he liked someone else, using my 'sponge in a bottle' analogy, alone I would just soak in the disappointment and insecurity until it became virtually nothing.
This is how I work but recently I've been trying to change because, hey, I don't own the person, nor am I in control of the outcome when I've tried my best and the most important, I already know that I'm loved by family and friends, this is not an affirmation of any sort of inadequacy or fault of my own.
It's easier said than done because we love to base our self esteem on what people think of us.
I also got a new laptop- my old one was just overbearing. I tried to save it in the hopes that it wouldn't end up as 'garbage'- I wanted it to last at least until my graduation in 2009. At this rate if laptops break down after every 3.5 years, there's gonna be a lot of laptops in the landfill. Sigh. But my new one is pretty and hopefull Alex will be able to save it so Rin can keep what's left of it. lol.
There's another door I'm trying to close: I realize that I'm holding all the chess pieces. It's funny to be in 'power' because at the same time, it's going to end up being my own undoing. Knowledge is power.
You're right- you may have said it in jest that day but honestly this nomadic existence is getting me nowhere and that I'd have to settle down if I were to get anywhere with my relationships. But the desire to succeed career wise is just as strong: for ambition or for love? They seem so disparate. So far I've been successful career-wise, I'm studying at the so-called top fashion school in Manhattan, had an internship with Edun and am about to embark on another internship in Hong Kong. How could anyone not call me lucky? It's what I've dreamt of doing. I've never regreted not going into another field and thinking what if because I chose to pursue exactly that 'what if' with the least probability of me succeeding.
Anyway the ambition- that drive- to go far in my career is strong presently because unlike relationships, I am the one who is more in control: no need to wait for the other person to reciprocate or leave you wondering whether or not he likes you.
God, what am I doing to myself?
Maybe I just cause my own heartbreak.
This is the folly that I face,
for words can never replace the physicality of being,
when I smile you'll never see it or anything inbetween,
instead you'll see: =)
I've just reduced myself to words.
Well, he got a girlfriend over the Christmas break.
You gotta thank Facebook for keeping everyone so well informed about both social groups and the individuals within them; I say this with a wry smile.
When I first found out, on one hand I wasn't disappointed because as I've said before, time and distance often help sever those feelings I have for anyone and since I haven't seen him for a month, those feelings have dissipated to a little less than a memory and a few blog entries. So what I wrote about heartbreak, I don't even know what that means anymore. Does this constitute as one? I know if I stayed behind this past holiday, I surely would have been devastated but because I have not seen him since, I don't remember the times when my heart would skip a beat when I saw him nor do I remember laughing giddily when talking about him to a friend. I guess you could say it hasn't really hit me... which is why a part of me doesn't want to go to church this Sunday.
It's a known social activity for girls to giggle to each other about guys they have crushes on. It's one of those activities I normally do not participate in because I'm always afraid that if my crush loved someone else, it'd kill me knowing that for some reason I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, good enough...
So in keeping it to myself, it was a self preservation tactic. Upon the news that he liked someone else, using my 'sponge in a bottle' analogy, alone I would just soak in the disappointment and insecurity until it became virtually nothing.
This is how I work but recently I've been trying to change because, hey, I don't own the person, nor am I in control of the outcome when I've tried my best and the most important, I already know that I'm loved by family and friends, this is not an affirmation of any sort of inadequacy or fault of my own.
It's easier said than done because we love to base our self esteem on what people think of us.
I also got a new laptop- my old one was just overbearing. I tried to save it in the hopes that it wouldn't end up as 'garbage'- I wanted it to last at least until my graduation in 2009. At this rate if laptops break down after every 3.5 years, there's gonna be a lot of laptops in the landfill. Sigh. But my new one is pretty and hopefull Alex will be able to save it so Rin can keep what's left of it. lol.
There's another door I'm trying to close: I realize that I'm holding all the chess pieces. It's funny to be in 'power' because at the same time, it's going to end up being my own undoing. Knowledge is power.
You're right- you may have said it in jest that day but honestly this nomadic existence is getting me nowhere and that I'd have to settle down if I were to get anywhere with my relationships. But the desire to succeed career wise is just as strong: for ambition or for love? They seem so disparate. So far I've been successful career-wise, I'm studying at the so-called top fashion school in Manhattan, had an internship with Edun and am about to embark on another internship in Hong Kong. How could anyone not call me lucky? It's what I've dreamt of doing. I've never regreted not going into another field and thinking what if because I chose to pursue exactly that 'what if' with the least probability of me succeeding.
Anyway the ambition- that drive- to go far in my career is strong presently because unlike relationships, I am the one who is more in control: no need to wait for the other person to reciprocate or leave you wondering whether or not he likes you.
God, what am I doing to myself?
Maybe I just cause my own heartbreak.
This is the folly that I face,
for words can never replace the physicality of being,
when I smile you'll never see it or anything inbetween,
instead you'll see: =)
I've just reduced myself to words.
1 Comments:
I recently had a conversation with a friend, she asked me, "how is it possible that you stayed single for all these yrs?" I've come to realize after all these years that it has been God kept me from unnecessary heartbreaks, preserving my heart for later on. I mean, throughout highschool, my desire for being in a relationship was certainly there, but some how, things just don't work out. You would know, you see me taking about Richard, and in this case, it didn't work out. He kept travelling everywhere! And by the time he finally came back, I've come to my sense - how can I possibly date a non Christian? God kept my heart until I've matured enough.
In the past, I always pray to God, "please show me if he is the one u want me to be with" And God would always show me, but time and time again I want to deny it. So I would continue liking the guy until God finally tells me so clearly. STOP. hhaaha.
And the clearest way God stops us is when the person is going out with someone else. (which keeps happening to me sooo many times). Sure, it's hearbreaking, but I realize it's a clear indication from God, so we won't go on saying "what if..." Sam we're in the same situation. But trust me, in God's timing, things will come together, always when you least expect it.
So place your focus on God and he will surely make your path straight. Trust that he will provide Sam. This is a huge lesson to learn and an important one to learn before we go into relationships.
~ April
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