The Nature of Ugly
We've all heard of the story of the 'Ugly Duckling'- duckling finds out it's not like the rest of his siblings- he's grey and 'ugly' while they're white as snow. He embarks on a journey to discover his self and realizes that he actually is a swan. And then he along with his parents live happily ever after.
As a kid, this was a story of hope; hope for a day that perhaps what I saw myself as as a grade four girl would blossom into something that looked drastically different. I always thought that the physical transformation and maturing process from child to adult would be a vast one- beyond just the usual height growth, breasts and hips but I thought my face would aesthetically change too. But now these days I just look in the mirror and feel like I got cheated in the painful process of physical maturation. I look the same. Really, beyond the normal 'woman' configurations, I still look the same as I did in grade four, five, six, seven, eight etc.
One day, I thought, one day my past self met my present self, it wouldn't be able to recognize her.
But I really have not changed. Back in HK, my cousin and I pulled out about twelve old and dusty family albums; one of them which I was in, my cousin laughs and mentions that I really have not changed since I was in grade one. Ask any one of my family members and they'll tell you my face has not changed since. I even have the same hair cut as I did before except longer in the back. My cousin, on the other hand, had a really generic Asian face as a kid but grew up to be one of the girls I consider extremely pretty- she looks mixed with a sprinkle of freckles, almond eyes with deep folds and extremely long and thick eyelashes, perfectly white teeth and dimples. She looks nothing like the kid in those old family albums.
The reason I'm writing about this is, I guess, one part of my confidence has been derived from wearing contacts and avoiding glasses like a plague. When I went into that interview, I wore glasses but mentally I had to constantly remind myself to find confidence in my skills rather than on what I looked like- and if she rejected it be, it was not because of what I looked like.
I dislike glasses for the practical reasons- you know- the constant slipping, the headaches they cause when tired, constant need to wipe them but more so for the aesthetic: I feel like there's a wall between me and a person I'm talking to, I feel like I'm hiding behind glass and plastic and I just think they make someone look really serious and dull.
Okay and maybe also the fact that they look really unfeminine. :S
Anyway, I went to my eye doctor to get my eye infection checked up. I thought he would say "yeah just let your eyes rest for a few more days and then you can wear your lenses again."
Instead he basically told me that I got a double whammy of allergies and viral problems in HK. Miniscule 'pimples' were growing in my top eyelid- make it worse, I can't really see it so I can't really gauge how bad it really is unless someone flips my lid over. As for contacts?
Sorry, you can't wear them for now.
How long?
I don't know. You will carry this for life- it never goes back to 0: it'll always be on a scale of 1-5. So don't wear contacts for now until I see you. It's a vicious cycle: contacts aggravate lid, lid produces the conjuctivitis, the conjuctivitis spreads to the lid and round and round it goes.
It's a permanent state??? And I can't wear contacts until May and perhaps not ever???
Sorry, I had to tell you the truth.
He might as well have just slapped me. He said more stuff but I tuned him out in my disbelief.
I just tried to sleep on the car ride and at home- sleep away the reality of what was actually happening. In my subconsciousness I prayed to God to spit on my eyes and to just make them new again or when I'd open my eyes after sleep, somehow miraculously they'd be perfect.
My mom spoke to me when I got home, trying to cheer me up by telling me to find a doctor in NY who could check up on me and see if I would be able enough to wear the lenses again sooner.
All I could do was cry.
For the past decade I've been trying different lenses, first starting with overnight lenses in HK- after going through 18 pairs in HK and Toronto collectively, I gave up looking for the right pair because I was seeing two years of my life through one eye with perfect vision and the other in a blur (yes it's not fun- it's dizzying and tiring). I decided to give ortho k another shot by going to another doc but every time I removed my lenses, it would be so painful I couldn't open my eyes because my eye cells were coming off with the lens. So finally I decided to switch to daytime lenses- I thought at least I could wear these during the day and didn't have to worry about pain in terms of removing the lens or having unbalanced vision.
Can you imagine how I feel now? I feel like I've been robbed of something. I ended up settling for the most unobtrusive lens procedure and now I can't even wear them. Like all that time spent at the eye doctors, spent in cleaning lenses and taking care of them, in spending money on different procedures has really amounted to nothing at the end.
You know if you asked me if I could change one thing about my body externally or internally, it would be my eyes. It's always been my eyes.
So now I'm back to square one: glasses.
The things I do for vanity's sake.
God, if you're trying to teach me something about finding beauty not through outward adornment, this feels like one really long, painful, cruel joke.
Yesterday I saw myself as someone pretty, now I feel I've been reborn as the ugly duckling.
I guess I should just stop fighting nature.
--------------------------------------------
I think I write these things down because I don't want to know how people react to my raw thoughts- I don't want a nod or a shrug because no one really knows the crap I've been through with my eyes. And it just sounds pitiful and vain at the same time so I'd rather just toss it out here and get it out of my system because life can really suck at times.
As a kid, this was a story of hope; hope for a day that perhaps what I saw myself as as a grade four girl would blossom into something that looked drastically different. I always thought that the physical transformation and maturing process from child to adult would be a vast one- beyond just the usual height growth, breasts and hips but I thought my face would aesthetically change too. But now these days I just look in the mirror and feel like I got cheated in the painful process of physical maturation. I look the same. Really, beyond the normal 'woman' configurations, I still look the same as I did in grade four, five, six, seven, eight etc.
One day, I thought, one day my past self met my present self, it wouldn't be able to recognize her.
But I really have not changed. Back in HK, my cousin and I pulled out about twelve old and dusty family albums; one of them which I was in, my cousin laughs and mentions that I really have not changed since I was in grade one. Ask any one of my family members and they'll tell you my face has not changed since. I even have the same hair cut as I did before except longer in the back. My cousin, on the other hand, had a really generic Asian face as a kid but grew up to be one of the girls I consider extremely pretty- she looks mixed with a sprinkle of freckles, almond eyes with deep folds and extremely long and thick eyelashes, perfectly white teeth and dimples. She looks nothing like the kid in those old family albums.
The reason I'm writing about this is, I guess, one part of my confidence has been derived from wearing contacts and avoiding glasses like a plague. When I went into that interview, I wore glasses but mentally I had to constantly remind myself to find confidence in my skills rather than on what I looked like- and if she rejected it be, it was not because of what I looked like.
I dislike glasses for the practical reasons- you know- the constant slipping, the headaches they cause when tired, constant need to wipe them but more so for the aesthetic: I feel like there's a wall between me and a person I'm talking to, I feel like I'm hiding behind glass and plastic and I just think they make someone look really serious and dull.
Okay and maybe also the fact that they look really unfeminine. :S
Anyway, I went to my eye doctor to get my eye infection checked up. I thought he would say "yeah just let your eyes rest for a few more days and then you can wear your lenses again."
Instead he basically told me that I got a double whammy of allergies and viral problems in HK. Miniscule 'pimples' were growing in my top eyelid- make it worse, I can't really see it so I can't really gauge how bad it really is unless someone flips my lid over. As for contacts?
Sorry, you can't wear them for now.
How long?
I don't know. You will carry this for life- it never goes back to 0: it'll always be on a scale of 1-5. So don't wear contacts for now until I see you. It's a vicious cycle: contacts aggravate lid, lid produces the conjuctivitis, the conjuctivitis spreads to the lid and round and round it goes.
It's a permanent state??? And I can't wear contacts until May and perhaps not ever???
Sorry, I had to tell you the truth.
He might as well have just slapped me. He said more stuff but I tuned him out in my disbelief.
I just tried to sleep on the car ride and at home- sleep away the reality of what was actually happening. In my subconsciousness I prayed to God to spit on my eyes and to just make them new again or when I'd open my eyes after sleep, somehow miraculously they'd be perfect.
My mom spoke to me when I got home, trying to cheer me up by telling me to find a doctor in NY who could check up on me and see if I would be able enough to wear the lenses again sooner.
All I could do was cry.
For the past decade I've been trying different lenses, first starting with overnight lenses in HK- after going through 18 pairs in HK and Toronto collectively, I gave up looking for the right pair because I was seeing two years of my life through one eye with perfect vision and the other in a blur (yes it's not fun- it's dizzying and tiring). I decided to give ortho k another shot by going to another doc but every time I removed my lenses, it would be so painful I couldn't open my eyes because my eye cells were coming off with the lens. So finally I decided to switch to daytime lenses- I thought at least I could wear these during the day and didn't have to worry about pain in terms of removing the lens or having unbalanced vision.
Can you imagine how I feel now? I feel like I've been robbed of something. I ended up settling for the most unobtrusive lens procedure and now I can't even wear them. Like all that time spent at the eye doctors, spent in cleaning lenses and taking care of them, in spending money on different procedures has really amounted to nothing at the end.
You know if you asked me if I could change one thing about my body externally or internally, it would be my eyes. It's always been my eyes.
So now I'm back to square one: glasses.
The things I do for vanity's sake.
God, if you're trying to teach me something about finding beauty not through outward adornment, this feels like one really long, painful, cruel joke.
Yesterday I saw myself as someone pretty, now I feel I've been reborn as the ugly duckling.
I guess I should just stop fighting nature.
--------------------------------------------
I think I write these things down because I don't want to know how people react to my raw thoughts- I don't want a nod or a shrug because no one really knows the crap I've been through with my eyes. And it just sounds pitiful and vain at the same time so I'd rather just toss it out here and get it out of my system because life can really suck at times.
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