At a Loss for Words
Frustrated.
That's all I can say- today is and was just plain frustrating.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't born Canto because it feels like my tongue has been sliced off- what I want to say I can't say, what I can say- well who gives a darn if no one understands.
My parents went out today, my mom wanted me to bake chocolate cheesecake since my family thinks I'm a good baker. However she forgot to buy cocoa and springform pans to put the cake in so I'm left in a double kitchen looking for stuff that wasn't there to begin with. And the filipino maids don't know any english- all they know is a bit of canto- and my grandmother looked so confused when I tried to figure out how to say 'measuring cup' in Chinese. In french, even though I don't even know what the precise translation is, at least I could explain but in Canto, I literally was at a loss for words. I said 'bui' but it wasn't exact- I should have just drawn one for her to see, but I was so incredibly frustrated not being able to talk the way I do normally and having my aunts and the maids constantly asking me if I needed this or that or why I was doing this or that, I didn't know what to say because I can't say it.
I can understand it, but I can't speak it.
As much as I have come to love being Chinese, I hate it all the same because I am one of the most culturally messed up people you'll ever meet: citizen to not one country, but to all, I only have bits and pieces of a singular cultures that don't really fit well together: I went to an international school, had a british accent, understand conversational chinese really well, can karaoke a couple of taiwanese songs not understanding what the heck I'm singing, can read a little hirigana and probably would be better off in France with the seven years of french in school than if I was stuck in HK.
My brother laughed at me when I started speaking Chinese to my aunt on the phone although I didn't think there was anything wrong, yesterday a family friend accuses us of messing up his chinese after havign spent a year trying to get rid of his accent, I had lunch with a friend in toronto last week and she laughs at my chinese and imitates me like there's something drastically wrong with it and I have been called a defected chinese for not being able to speak my mothertongue.
And it hurts because I want to try but I just want to give up. What makes it sting even more is the fact that these are not random people who are making fun of me, but people who I consider are my friends. I might as well accept the fact that I will always have an english accent with my canto, and just hone in my english skills and not speak canto at all to anyone.
Why is it that people always beat you down when you try to stand up?
Yesterday we had dim sum with two other families and sitting next to me was a childhood friend I used to play with when I lived in HK- I wanted to talk to her, I really did. After having refined my small talk skills in Manhattan, I wanted to talk to her but I just couldn't. I couldn't out of the fear of being made fun of, and not having a wide enough vocabulary to say what I wanted to say.
As a child growing up with Barbie, I wished I was physically Caucasian.
Grown up, I've come to take pride in my Chinese heritage but there are times when I wish I was Caucasian. It'd make my life a little easier because I wouldn't have to be ashamed of trying to learn an unfamiliar language.
I feel so stupid here.
That's all I can say- today is and was just plain frustrating.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't born Canto because it feels like my tongue has been sliced off- what I want to say I can't say, what I can say- well who gives a darn if no one understands.
My parents went out today, my mom wanted me to bake chocolate cheesecake since my family thinks I'm a good baker. However she forgot to buy cocoa and springform pans to put the cake in so I'm left in a double kitchen looking for stuff that wasn't there to begin with. And the filipino maids don't know any english- all they know is a bit of canto- and my grandmother looked so confused when I tried to figure out how to say 'measuring cup' in Chinese. In french, even though I don't even know what the precise translation is, at least I could explain but in Canto, I literally was at a loss for words. I said 'bui' but it wasn't exact- I should have just drawn one for her to see, but I was so incredibly frustrated not being able to talk the way I do normally and having my aunts and the maids constantly asking me if I needed this or that or why I was doing this or that, I didn't know what to say because I can't say it.
I can understand it, but I can't speak it.
As much as I have come to love being Chinese, I hate it all the same because I am one of the most culturally messed up people you'll ever meet: citizen to not one country, but to all, I only have bits and pieces of a singular cultures that don't really fit well together: I went to an international school, had a british accent, understand conversational chinese really well, can karaoke a couple of taiwanese songs not understanding what the heck I'm singing, can read a little hirigana and probably would be better off in France with the seven years of french in school than if I was stuck in HK.
My brother laughed at me when I started speaking Chinese to my aunt on the phone although I didn't think there was anything wrong, yesterday a family friend accuses us of messing up his chinese after havign spent a year trying to get rid of his accent, I had lunch with a friend in toronto last week and she laughs at my chinese and imitates me like there's something drastically wrong with it and I have been called a defected chinese for not being able to speak my mothertongue.
And it hurts because I want to try but I just want to give up. What makes it sting even more is the fact that these are not random people who are making fun of me, but people who I consider are my friends. I might as well accept the fact that I will always have an english accent with my canto, and just hone in my english skills and not speak canto at all to anyone.
Why is it that people always beat you down when you try to stand up?
Yesterday we had dim sum with two other families and sitting next to me was a childhood friend I used to play with when I lived in HK- I wanted to talk to her, I really did. After having refined my small talk skills in Manhattan, I wanted to talk to her but I just couldn't. I couldn't out of the fear of being made fun of, and not having a wide enough vocabulary to say what I wanted to say.
As a child growing up with Barbie, I wished I was physically Caucasian.
Grown up, I've come to take pride in my Chinese heritage but there are times when I wish I was Caucasian. It'd make my life a little easier because I wouldn't have to be ashamed of trying to learn an unfamiliar language.
I feel so stupid here.
1 Comments:
heyy, at least you can understand Canto...i'm half chinese and i don't know ANYTHING about it!! can't speak nor understand it and there have been COUNTLESS people that talk to me in chinese...even though i understand indonesian, i still speak it with the HUGEST accent ever!! and people ALWAYS laugh at me...and they even call me pisang...which is indo from banana (because i'm yellow on teh outside, white on the inside) haha =p we all make a joke out of it and i don't mind but i remember i stopped talking in indo for like a year straight becuase all my family members in indo would make fun of me so bad =( but it's alright...becuase my english is better then them!! hahaha kidding =p don't feel stupid samm...at least you know more then me!! =) besides...it's all about just trying and learning i guess...but the next time someone beats you down...i'll beat them down with a carebear!! so you just come and point them out to me!! and they'll face some REAL trouble!!
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