24/7 Prayer: A Testimony as a Christian/Fashion/Sustainability Designer

I miss HK. This is by no means a great picture, but I just like the feeling of it
There's something missing from living in NY. It's that feeling of something greater than you are. I guess it's just the way NY was built- on a flat rocky island with skyscrapers jutting out on your left and right. What you see in front of you is what you get: a fraction of a pixel of a larger picture. It makes me want to explore and conquer: try that new cafe, visit the gallery tucked away in the corner, window shop at the hipster boutique with the cobblestones.

Yet there's something about the HK landscape- the rolling hills paired with the sea that makes you feel rather.. small. The ability to stand on a mountain and look down on the rest of the city makes you realize how insignificant you are in comparison to the greatness of God. The greatness of God in the rocks, the hilly landscapes and the sea the colour of celadon.
I guess it also helps when your aunt lives on the 63rd floor overlooking all of HK Island too.

I miss HK. I miss trees, sky, ocean.


Haven't taken my new kicks out for a spin yet... so I'll just admire them here. XD


Dior Men's patent sneakers... I friggin love them

So it's 3am.
I'm actually blogging here to kill time. Our church is doing a 24/7 prayer event for a week where someone is always in the prayer room at the church office until the following Saturday. I took the 5-6am time slot for our SG who will be there from 2-6am today. -_- I tried to sleep at 11:45 but I'm so used to sleeping late, I got frustrated after lying there for 30 mins so I got up thinking that it was a waste of time and started working on my thesis again.

Thesis.
God has been moving. Well, when isn't He? After Spring Break I was asked to help a fellow classmate on her thesis project and she shared with me her testimony and what God has placed in her heart in concerns for her thesis (to take it beyond just a project and make it a brand). In short, I was really encouraged by her constant search for God and through fasting and prayer, God met with her.

The past year I haven't really been praying for God to work in my thesis. At least I didn't have a sense of urgency or need to because, well, things have been going alright. But I felt challenged to come to God about this matter. Last Sunday during intercessory prayer a sudden wave of ideas hit me. I was really surprised though I questioned whether it was one of my own weird ideas or something genuinely from God.
I was to use my thesis as a means to tell my dad's side of the family about Christ. Through updating them on what I've been doing these past four years in NY, I could share about my reasons for doing what I'm doing and to what purpose.

Whether or not that was a call from God, I have yet to find discernment on. Yet as I spent more time praying after the service, I came to realize that the idea of thesis as a means to graduate was an ill way of perceiving God's call for me. He made me realize that my thesis should not be a means to an end, but to ask Him to use it for something greater. For the majority of our class grumbles daily the headaches of thesis and how they just want to pass to get out of school. Yet the parable of the talents has never spoken out so apparent to me until now. I came to realize that the time we have now is a gift, and that gift should be used wisely and not foolishly spent on complaining about our present circumstances. While most of my classmates see thesis as a way to get something in the future (a diploma) I see thesis as a means for God to use me for His Kingdom. Sure I'd love to graduate, I'd love to get one of the awards for the most outstanding theses, yet these things are so temporal. So you barely pass thesis, graduate and then what?
I'm trying to savour my time in school and it's going by extremely fast.
Lately I've been praying for two other classmates and I- the other two being my fellow church-mates. All the Remnant Parsons seniors from this year just so happened to be from the same program this year. And I don't think this was coincidence: I've been praying for God to use the three of us to show through the work of our hands and the motives behind them, His Majesty. Our program is rather resistant against Christians- well our IDC director is- yet this is where our motives lie. I've also been praying for God to reveal in me where to place Him in writing in my thesis book. I have to 'publish' two of them: one for myself, one for the department. In the book I have to explain my thesis but do I explain the real reasons why I am doing the things I am doing?
I was reading my blog posts from three years ago... the confusion I was in whether or not environmental issues were something I was really passionate about or just lured into, the anger I felt against Christians who believed the earth was theirs to do as they pleased, the skewed perceptions of Christians and the environment, the negative perspective of the fashion industry and those associated with it...

Reading these posts has showed me how God has been developing my love for these issues. Although I tell my teachers and critics that I want to fuse fashion and sustainability together because the industry itself is wasteful and eco-friendly clothing exists on high morals and not through aesthetics like fashion is, my explanation for doing what I am doing is this:

My love for fashion was something I was extremely ashamed of growing up in a Christian environment. I snuck the fashion section from the Toronto Star and hid it under my bed to read behind closed doors. For I thought having an interest in clothes, designing garments that would only last a season and talking about the latest trends were selfish and egoistical- a far cry from the Christian philosophies that were instilled upon me at a young age. On the other hand, in my high school years I was part of an environmental club which somewhat nurtured an evergrowing consciousness of the issues concerning the world within me. At the time I was unsure whether or not that interest was genuine rather than the 'peer pressure' I felt from friends who were really gung-ho about recycling. However I always felt out of place at eco-friendly events. I was not into 'anti idling' campaigns where students would march around the parking lot holding signs in front of cars where parents were waiting for their kids. The fashion side of me- my love for aesthetic beauty was somewhat turned off at the sight of granola-paper books, cheesy recycling box mascots and puke green packaging. It seemed like a paradox: while the fashion industry continues looking to itself in the mirror, sustainability looked outwards to the concerns of the world. While one enticed me with the sensuality of fabrics, the beauty of the feminine silhouette and the intoxicating worlds that housed a single brand, sustainablity constantly unraveled this silk cocoon and forced me to look beyond the mirror.
As a Christian it was also a struggle for me to fuse these two design worlds in with where I stood in my beliefs. Christians shun the fashion industry as a negative, selfish and sinful business. As far as environmental issues were concerned they constantly ignored these issues while pushing for people to go on missions to help the poor. At the time I was frustrated for in these sleepy suburbs, the church did not see that the environment was intertwined with its people. The first to feel any kind of environmental devastation would be the poor and we rich folk were the ones who caused it. From our bottomless consumption habits to our neverending thirst to be entertained, I realized that Christianity, fashion and sustainability would be a difficult task to blend into one.

Yet God, the Creator of all things, the Artist and the One who inspires, has surprised me in ways I never thought could happen by placing me at Parsons in Manhattan. Despite a lot of grumbling, He revealed to me the reasons for placing these three things in my heart at a young age.
Fashion: the industry is dark in terms of its morality and wasteful in terms of its practices yet it is not for Christians to do than just to judge. It can be changed for the better: to help people, to satisfy people, to serve people. While many scoff at fashion as superfluous, I see it as a powerful means of serving and loving others.
Sustainability: This has always been a difficult topic to address. There was nothing in the Green Movement I really saw fit or inspiring as a designer. I just saw a mush of organic t shirts whose appeal only came in the 'fair trade' label to somehow satiate the conscious of fashionistas and eco warriors alike. Attending eco conventions did little to inspire; it seemed almost wrong that I was attracted to the fashion industry for all its glitz and glamour but if there's one thing that industry knows how to do well is to appeal and sell. Why is that? Because it understands its customer: it understands the deep desires to be loved, to find affirmation and to be perceived as a beauty in the eyes of the people they uphold with most regard/care for. Yet in sustainable design, it seemed to sell on the basis of morality yet how long can the tank sustain that for when the person stands in front of their closet and that organic t shirt they bought last summer looks like they purchased it from H&M but for twice the price? From an eco-standpoint, it worked, but from a fashion perspective, why buy a shirt if it's not going to look good at a price that could buy you something better at a franchise store?

Thus was my dilemma. The reasons why I choose to go into IDC for my own self-concocted major was that I was afraid I would get pigeon-holed into a corner if I went into the fashion program. I could not imagine myself thinking/breathing/sleeping/doing fashion 24/7 (in short: I didn't want to die). I wanted a broader perspective yet I had no idea what to make of my two juxtaposing interests to accompany my beliefs.
I had no idea nor did I really ask God for an answer. Yet He drove me that way through a series of circumstances last year that forced me to look at my dichotomy of interests. In some aspects I didn't want to: I went in kicking and screaming. But by His infinite grace I came to realize something greater. At the beginning of spring of last year, I started to learn about the existing fashion industry as we knew it, found out what was being done at the moment. By the end I had five general proposals so by the time my senior year rolled around, I was ready to pick one of them and go with it for my thesis.

Looking now at my thesis, it is an indisputable fact the reasons why God has placed these interests within me a decade ago. My love for photography, fashion, people, street style, sustainability and writing naturally fell into place as I began to refine my thesis. And it was not even forced upon my project! The puzzle pieces just slotted in so perfectly it could not have been anything but God's hand. I dedicate the work I am doing for the fashion industry to God as a testimony to Christians that we can be a Light in an industry that only seeks for elevation of the self. I commit the work I am doing to God for the treehuggers, the less fortunate and Christians alike for I want those who are striving to make this world better by planting trees, to see that fashion does not have to be sacrificed for the sake of the environment: that the industry can be for it and not against it (and you can look good doing it, dang it!). To the body of Christ, to see that addressing environmental issues is also a ministry: to be stewards of the earth and to ensure that future generations can still witness God's glory through His works in nature.

And that is the reason I am the designer and the artist that I am; that I do not design clothes for the sake of designing pretty things. Nor do I protest against deforestation for the sake of our children. But I am a fashion designer because I want to see the light of God shine in this morally broken industry: to be a testimony of His providence and grace. And to be a Christian who supports the Green Movement because I care that the only thing that God has created for us to enjoy is quickly disappearing. This thesis that I have been working on for the past one and a half years is for something greater than just a ticket to a diploma- it is my way of giving back to God what I was born with. Whether or not you agree with my beliefs, as a fellow classmate, student and friend, this is the reason I am in IDC.


Okay... that took me an hour to write. I must get going. First thing I am going to pray for when I get there (besides getting their safely- I'm a little scared to walk by myself to the office right now) is to stay awake for an hour. LOL. Plus there's a thunderstorm today. The odds are against. But God is God.

----------------------------------------------------------------

WOW. It's 3pm now.
I am so dead tired.
Yet kinda in a daze.
I have been praying like crazy- sometimes not by my own choice but people kept picking me!
So I walked to church at 4:30am in the morning (if my mom found out she'd be mortified). I got there about ten minutes early to see my fellow senior classmates sitting around chilling. They had arrived for the kick off at 11:30 and were sluggishly sitting around while another had passed out in the other rooms where they set up 'sleep zones'.
So I did my 5am to 6am time slot with a fellow SG member.
Upon entering, we had to remove our shoes: inside the prayer room lit by only Christmas lights, I was surprised to see a lot of news articles up concerning north korea to the affiliate churches to the future mission trips this summer to news of the economic crisis. On the other wall was a place for the expression fo art (large sheets of paper where people drew and scribbled on) and another area with crumpled sheets of paper where you could write down Bible verses or whatever. And yet another station with playdoh for you to.. iono... worship God with... In the corner was a guitar and drums. And yet another section to put prayer requests as well as pray for one anonymous person on that board. And finally a mirror with ten Bible verses which you were to use to meditate on. In the center were a litter of Christian books as well as Bibles and on the periphery was a mini area sheathed with a red curtain with a table, lamp and a glass of water inside for rest while you read certain passages of John, Isaiah and Matthew.

I thought an hour would be long. It felt like ten minutes. When I finished one wall of stuff, 45 minutes had already passed. What the heck?! I could have probably gone another hour of prayer.
It was time well spent. Despite all my grumbling and blowing things up way out of proportion ("oh I don't want to wake up so early... and walk to church to pray... and it's an hour long.. what if I fall asleep..")
Anyway when my slot was finished, I basically sat on the couch for another two hours vegging and hoping that I wouldn't pass out because I had to fill in for a few people on Welcoming Ministry at 9:30am. Two girls and I dragged ourselves to McD's where we had breakfast (yay I haven't had mcmuffins and hashbrowns in ages!!! plus they give free coffee before 8am so technically it's cheaper to get the muffin and hashbrown seperately rather than a meal cuz the coffee's free :)).
I was chosen to pray for the three of us. So I did. We then ate and then did our devos at McD's and I left shortly at 9am to get to church.
At church the Welcoming Ministry prays as a group before splitting jobs and serving the church goers. And guess who had to do the ending prayer??
ME.
To be honest I hate doing it. I always dread getting randomly picked (just so happened I did it last week too -_-) because if I am not given a specific thing or person to pray for, I always end up saying the cliches and it all seems so meaningless when it's not something relatable to certain people. But today was good because I had been praying so much before then, I already knew what I wanted to say.

And then came the hurdle: the sermon.
I did nod off for two seconds here and there but all in all I got the message.
Intercessory prayer: we were asked to pray for the person next to us who happened to be a fellow Welcoming Ministry member. Ever since this past year, I often end up crying when I pray for myself and for specific people. I don't know why- it's not like I force the tears out, but they just stream down my face when I begin to pray for that person. It's as if the joy and gratitude inside me having witnessed God's love for me over the years just pours out. That faith I have in Him, despite how broken this world is and how hopeless it seems to be, that in our weakness, He is strong. Despite the fact that we may despair over what little we can do, I know He can move through us as a testimony to the rest of the world that we are that city on the hill.

That was the verse I chose from the mirror in the prayer room: Matt 5:14-16
"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven"

When people ask me what I want to do after I graduate, I tend to say that I want to be a menswear designer for Diesel. Yet I think deep down, I want to see my thesis realized but I'm just too afraid to ask God to affirm this desire. For what if I fail- to believe in something so passionately only to realize that it is not relevant in society would be crushing. Yet I can't imagine going from dreaming up a world within my thesis to going to something as ordinary as designing clothes. I don't know. I am still in that waiting stage to see where God wants me to go: I've just been praying that wherever He chooses to place me, that He too must go with.
I've been praying for an 'Isaiah moment': for God to meet me and ask who He'd send out and hopefully I'd muster the courage to say "here I am, send me" and go wherever He wants me to be with the faith that He will use me.

I want every breath I take to glorify God for He has breathed life into me,
I want every step I take to forward the Kingdom of God,
I want every favour or gesture of kindness I do for others be seen by God and find reward in Him and not from the recipients (see the paradigm change...)

God has been so good. I've been barreling down Deuteronomy because I couldn't sleep last night so I tried to read the Bible before trying to get some shut eye again and did some more this morning... I also did another three chapters of 1 Samuel.. will share more about this later.
I wish I could write down in words the inexpressible joy that is within me that God has imparted upon me. Despite all my inadequacies, low self esteem, hurts of others and my self inflicted wounds, He loves me and I can actually see His providence and grace- grace as a gift that no power of hell can ever take from me for I am His.

Beverly Hills, Beauty and Burdens

Listening to: Shinee> Replay MV
A new Korean boyband created by SM... stumbled upon the piano version of this song that I really love and now I really like their dance that goes with it. The song is quite typical.. but catchy. It talks about a younger guy and his 'noona' (title for an older girl) and his 'love' for her. Not like you'd understand it but here you go.
Watch the full version of the dance: here. It's really impressive- very smooth. If I could do that I'd be a happy camper.

I'll find the piano version of it for next entry. It sounds a little sadder but it's a good anime-ish song to listen to.



Getty Museum. Unfortunately people got in the pic. My third time here



Welcome to California. Doesn't this picture look so familiar? lol. I took it at the Huntington Library where they also filmed Memoirs of a Geisha (the cherry blossom viewing party where they had to stick fake rose petals on a tree because they wouldn't allow the crew to fly in a real tree. lol. Yes I watch my movies with commentary

Guess whose back.. back again...
ME
After six days in LA with my roomie, I'm once again back in the dismal jungle of concrete that is New York. Then again going to LA made me appreciate New York more- I've ruled out LA as a place I'd live.. too much driving and things are so spread apart.
So what did Sam do in LA?

The question ought to be.. do YOU really want to know. lol
Day 1= arrived in LA. There was a delay on Jet blue but as awesome as they are, they gave us a $25 voucher. We just perched ourselves on the bar and drank orange juice out of wine glasses and shared a panini. Bumped into fellow Parsons kid there too. When we arrived, we went for a drive to the gas station and the bakery because my roomie wanted to get me a mini fondant cake. Turns out they didn't sell them in individual sizes so we ordered a honking large made-to-order one just to see what fondant tastes like (fondant is the dough like stuff they put on wedding cakes). Roomie's mom made me galbitang for dinner.... yumyumyum At night we went on a drive to downtown where we went to a lounge called 'Standard'. It's a rooftop bar overlooking downtown... but the BEST part of it were the three circular waterbeds housed in red cocoon-esque structures. My roomie and I just sat inside bouncing around and realized how retarded we looked because we werent there to drink or socialize but to play on their waterbeds. :S There were some weird guys who asked if they could join in which resulted in me freezing up and looking at my roommate to tell them to go away. One guy started talking about a previous experience with a leaking waterbed and I had no idea what he was saying because I was too busy trying to figure out how to get out because his entire body was blocking the entrance. :S Yeah we left when the party started (aka when there were a ton of people) because we're old women who need our sleep after an additional three hours on our sched with the time difference. Plus we needed our energy for Day 2 because....
Day 2= Disney. LOL. Yes, my first full day in LA and we go to Disney. We got the tickets via a person on Craigslist. I felt like we were dealing drugs cuz we had to find a silver lexus at the back of a restaurant and the cash was placed in an envelope and he would give us the ticket in exchange. Sketch. Anyway, we were surprised to see TONS of people at Disney on a Thursday.. turns out Disney was really clever in handling the recession: they had a birthday special where every person who registered their birthday date online could go to the park in for free on the day of. Of course that means kids had parents and friends in tow.. so you could imagine how much money they made. The lines were ridiculous. Even waiting to get a parking ticket was ridiculous so we rolled down the windows and blasted our music (yeah we were acting like high school kids). Yo Lady Gaga's 'Just Dance' sounds SO GOOD on speakers with a good bass! The contrast which is lost on a mere laptop and earphones flattens the music out. If you use carspeakers, the depth of the bass contrasts so well with the higher notes, giving the song a lot more translucency and fullness. DANG. I want car speakers now!
'Just Dance' was the theme song of my trip in Cali. The song is so addicting.

We rode on the majority of the big rides and saw Fantasmic and the fireworks but alas, Indiana Jones ride was closed so I didn't get to go on it :( Space Mountain was closed for maintenance most of the day so by the time the fireworks were done, there was a huge lineup for all the lost time. However to compensate for the surge of guests, they had to speed up the ride which really killed my stomach since my body was slamming against the bar and my roomie's neck was hurting from all the jolting. I've never been on such a spazztic Space Mountain ride before. Oh and the Aladdin musical was really cool.
Day 3= Roomie and I met up with my cousin who is working in LA at a restaurant called Milk (ironically she's lactose intolerant.. lol) and had lunch together. Afterwards drove to her house where we carpooled to the Getty Museum (stunning modern art gallery with equally beautiful architecture). Wandered around the gardens and then sat down for coffee. Afterwards we hung out at my cousin's place for a bit and then Bon drove me around Beverly Hills to see the stunning houses and Rodeo Drive (so cute, a mini version of the fancy Fifth Ave of NY). Went to Old Pasadena for mexican food (SO GOOD.. it's dai pai dong style but SO GOOD) and then wandered around the area. It reminds me of NY with all the stores and restaurants tightly packed next to each other.
Day 4= Drive to Hollywood Ranch and went horseback riding under the Hollywood sign! The horses would ride at the edge of the cliffs- kinda freaky because they like to get a hold of their bearings and the width of the road via the edge. I fulfilled my fantasy by wearing my Darth Vader coat and got a picture with my hood on. XD I'm now a Sith Elf lost in Lothlorien! Lololol
Went to the famous In and Out for burgers... Just drove around the rich Americana (it looks like people were in denial of reality= it's essentially a shopping/residential complex- ultra ritzy with a Bellagio-like fountain and valet parking and lights and flowers everywhere... if you lived there, you'd probably start to forget that world hunger existed) and I finally got to go to Target to see what it was like. She also took me to see a cemetary. I know it sounds really bizarre but I have never been to such a nice cemetary: marble sculptures, tombstones embedded on the ground so they didn't jut out like regular ones. Fountains, flowers, shrubs, small quiet churches... we visited Walt Disney's grave too which was surrounded by a tiny tiny garden and a golden plaque on the wall engraved with the names of his family.
I want to be buried there. It was so peaceful and beautiful especially with the setting sun.
At night her friend in Cali came over. BF broke up with her so essentially the last few days of my holiday in Cali was concerning this issue. We sat at the Cheesecake Factory while she talked to my roomie. I felt so awkward because I didn't know her and I didn't want to say anything because, well, I didn't know her. I don't know... it was just really emotionally tiring on my part to see her constantly crying, it drained me out. Initially I sulked because I didn't like the fact she was dampening my holiday with her issues. Selfish, I know, yet I didn't want the rest of my trip having to concern myself with someone else's boy issues. Particularly because I also felt like I should act in a manner of sobriety to fit her ill mood however I just wanted to smile and bounced around in the car with sunglasses on and take a lot of pictures of stuff in LA. I just wanted to be the happy tourist.
I know, I sound like a selfish unChristian jerk who wants to hoard my roomie to myself. But this past year I've had to shoulder the burdens of my roomie's issues with her bf and that in itself was difficult. Especially because my advice only stems from theory and observation and not experience.
Anyway, she slept over at my roomie's house too that night.

Day 5= Early in the morning the three of us went to tea at a place near my roomie's house. It was really relaxing- garden in the back, splashes of yellow sunlight spilling across the green cushions and cream wicker. Ergh their watercress cucumber sandwiches were friggin good- I'm going to attempt to recreate them back here. They were really 'shiwon he' compared to the rather heavy stuff I've been consuming the past few days. Oh 'shiwon he' means 'refreshing' in korean. LOL.
Anyway, her friend was still in a really ill mood but we decided to go to Huntington Library to walk around (see the first pic). It was really relaxing there too to just wander around the park- we also brought slices of fondant cake and fruit and sat in the Chinese garden to eat. Afterwards my roomie's friend recommended us a patisserie but we were too full to eat so we drove to the Ritz Carlton to nose around their interiors and had mohjitos and passion fruit ice tea by the poolside under the pink flowers blooming above and suspended on trees. The hotel even offers nectarines for you to eat, on the house. yumm. Sadly they weren't really sweet, just nice to look at.
After, we fobbed it up and took sticker pics. The machines were just as complex as the ones in HK- the one we used had this guerilla war method of taking pics- there were six cameras and you had to run to the one that was lit. Obviously the pics didn't turn out that well- we just looked confused in all of them. There were even ladders surrounding the wall so you could do tricks on them... I guess. :S
Wandered around the chinese plaza a bit before going back home and had another yummy dinner of... galbijim!!!! And then sat around and talked for a bit and got to know my roomie's friend better. She found out that night she also got accepted into Cal Arts as a transfer student. Man, just looking at the events that took place in her life this past week has made me realize how unpredictable it all is. One minute, God takes away your most cherished relationship and the next thing you know it, you get accepted into a prestigious college that has ties with Pixar and Disney. Amazing. I was hoping that that would cheer her up and she'd forget the pains of her relationships. Anyway she stayed the night.
Day 6= Went to an all american soda fountain for lunch and sundaes. We wanted to recreate this Norman Rockwell painting however we were unsuccessful (ok that made no sense unless you know the artist- we were trying to recreate the painting of a boy and his prom date who was happily showing her corsage to the soda shop keeper and the guy was looking mighty proud at his date).
Then her friend took us for a tour of UCLA since I wanted to see a typical college in Cali.
I mentioned to my roomie that if I had an extra day, I'd go to Disney again.. and she took me seriously and we drove there. It took us two friggin hours to get there but we enjoyed six hours there. Since we weren't bound down by particular rides, we rode the Matterhorn- a rollercoaster- while the disney fireworks were going on. It was stunning because we were swinging round and round and catching glimpses of the sparkling lights bursting in the inky sky. It was a Wed night and the line for Indian was 75 minutes. Friggin ridiculous so we did Single Rider which allows you to bypass everyone in groups, but you have to sit alone in the random seats they have left over. Whatever. We saved an hour's worth of time. We did Space Mountain AGAIN, lol, and it was a lot slower and smoother.



Yeah that was my trip. Not that you're interested in knowing, but so I can record it all down lest I forget (guaranteed to happen) because I know people don't want to hear me babbling about mundane details that only I really appreciate since I was the one who experienced it.
Her parents were ultra nice- the funniest thing was the drive from the airport to her house. Her dad was telling us how his wife dragged him to couple's aerobics. He did this gesture of clapping and pointing that if any person who knows korean culture would definitely understand... because it's a dance move in WonderGirl's 'Nobody' song. Go to 2:00 to see the dance move. LOL.
Anyway as the conversation unfolded, my roomie said her parents would dance to Korean pop songs to which I asked her dad if they danced to Wonder Girls (equivalent of Spice Girls but of 2009). He resounded a loud yes and I burst out into laughter when my roomie asked who Wonder Girls were.

It's sad and funny because her dad (previous generation) knows Wonder Girls and I know (current generation), as a chinese person, who Wonder Girls is. Anyway, later on that evening we decided to pop in on them to see their aerobics dance classes. So jokes. So sad.
The other day a Chinese woman insisted that I was Korean. Am I starting to look like one after merely hanging out with Koreans? :S The same thing is happening to my roomie except people say she looks Chinese.

I'm also starting to pick up more Korean. The day we arrived my roomie was worried that the car would stop in the middle of the road because the 'empty gas' signal was going off. Her parents say something to her in Korean and motion towards me to which I said to her "I am not pushing the car up the hill" She looked at me with a mixture of both amusement and surprise that I guessed what they were saying as if I understood them. Lol.

I also bought a pair of shoes.. the coolest pair of sneakers ever! Actually there was a pair of patent high tops with spectator details I wanted but alas no size!





ARE THEY NOT THE COOLEST PAIR OF SNEAKERS EVER?!
(and the most useless)
They're SHEER. Sheer sneakers! I love them.
They have so many colours too: http://www.pfflyers.com/womens/vere.php
I like buying useless things. I mean, cleaning them is going to be hell.






Cuteee... I think I just appreciate the whiteness of the photograph than what she is actually wearing..


Oh I love this pic: short and long hair with similar style of clothing. I really want to cut my hair T-T. But patience.. patience, my love. Patience for what? I want to grow it another three inches and then... iono. I want to dye it but I dislike the idea of doing my roots every six weeks and getting chemicals in my brains. Plus I like the idea of virgin hair especially since mine is ultra black


Love this quirk of a style. Not a male style pleaser but I love it. Love the colour of the tights with the nerd glasses, streamlined blazer jacket, touch of gold and the Edna Mode hair.. argh... EDNA MODE HAIR



Sometimes, um yeah. At times I'll say really shallow things because I know I'd burn with embarrassment to actually say these things aloud. On one hand I want people to know these silly selfish things because deep down it goes beyond just surface material. Yet at the same time I hate myself for worrying about such trivial things. Honestly, would the world stop turning if I didn't wear something cute to the restaurant? No but I still want to look good.
And lately my self esteem has been pretty next to nil due to stupid things like physical appearance. I hate how my bangs are now at that awkward length where they cover my eyes but are too short to be swept to the side. Cut it? I'm tired of bangs- but now looking at myself in the mirror with my entire face showing makes me wants to hide behind that familiar curtain.
I gained five pounds back in Toronto. It's really affecting how I see myself. I stand in front of the mirror chiding at my lack of self discipline, how no one is going to be attracted to someone who has gone soft around the edges.
Then I look closely in the mirror and I hate the bone structure of my face since my bangs now reveal everything. That sounds really retarded but as someone who is more visually keen, I critique every jut of a cheekbone, every receding line of my jawline. How my face is too long- it looks like a jellybean. How it doesn't look like a typically pretty girl with the eyes that go wide at the center (mine start immediately wide and then taper) and how my extremely arched eyebrows look rather awkward on such a long face. I like thin lips that curve up- mine are full and point down. I like heart shaped faces that start wide and then taper sharply at the jawline to a point. Mine is just long, kinda juts out at the cheekbones and then tapers in softly to a round.

A part of me cannot deny these feelings of.. 'self pity' because I often try to push them away and not voice them out. Because a part of me tells me to be grateful for the way I was made yet internally I struggle with taking ahold of these issues. I feel like.. they shouldn't be issues- that outsiders would regard these things as trivial and foolish but they are not the ones who have to dwell in this body day to day. I'm sorry for people who have to read this yet I write it all here because it is this foolishness and 'idle talk' that I want to save their ears from hearing. Because I know this sounds illogical, I ought not to express it in words yet because I feel like these concerns are not worth being verbally uttered, I should write them. Yet writing them makes me seem even more foolish.
The logical, the Christian part of me knows that beauty is fleeting. That the clay ought not to challenge the potter (yes it says that in Isaiah somewhere). That the time spent worrying about these things could be used in prayer and shouldering the burdens of others.

You know what, I'm just venting. Yet my SG group was discussing two weeks ago, that we often go to our peers and friends first to confide in... yet when do we ever take our problems first to God so He could be the first one to hear them? So I shall stop venting here and go talk to God about it.
I slipped in my devos the past days in LA... perhaps that's why my mind has started wandering away to the really trivial things in life rather than trying to grasp God's vision in all its totality.
Dang it, why is my mind so limited?


Picture taken at the Orchid Show three weeks ago. The most obscure flowers I have ever seen. They look like some flowers Miyazaki or Murakami would draw and come to life

Puh-Puh-Pieces

QUEST CREW WONNNNNNNNNNNN.
I'm going to stalk you in LA next weeeeek. XD
Actually the finale was quite anti climatical because the solo group dances were kinda pulled together at the last minute.
Man, I love Ryan Conferido- one of Quest crew members: he can compose piano songs AND dance. Dang. This is one of my favourites: Girl Don't Cry. The piano sounds like the comforting voice of a friend translated into a melody. It starts off a soft inquiry, slowly translating into sympathy and then unfolds into wistfully drawn out words of encouragement (or maybe I'm just reading too much into it). I loveee it. My friend sent it to me and I've played it twenty times already.

---------------------------------------------

Photoshooooot

In the meanwhile I'm just bobbing my head to Flo Rida's Right Round which was also the song that Quest Crew danced too. XD That chorus is darn catchy.
You spin my head right round right round....


I thought I should address NY Fashion Week that occured about two weeks ago. I don't read Vogue anymore nor do I avidly check up on style.com on every new fashion show update. So from all the ones I did click on, I liked Philip Lim's the best. This is something I'd wear... if I had the boy body. But I love her hair.


I. Love. His. Hair. It makes such a difference.
----------------------------------------------------

I'm not sure why I'm blogging. Oh yeah, because I'm bored. I'm actually bored.
This past week I completed a 10 page piece on InDesign of what I want my website to look like visually and then sent it to a potential web designer. And today I had no idea what to do with myself giving that I couldnt really do anything but wait. So I continued reading this book I picked up during the winter break called 'Factory Girls' on the constantly changing lives of girls in China who work at the factories.
Yeah I'm really psyched about my website thesis project thingie. I showed printed versions of my website to my class and they were like "wow now I know what you're talking about. It's.. amazing."
yeyeyeye.
The 10 page PDF file includes twenty visual diagrams of how my website looks, feels and functions along with a navigational diagram of what page connects with what page. I'm super pleased with it all. I thought, if I want to minimize cost and if I want the web designer to design the site, I should be the first to be able to physically realize the facade of each page so that he/she understands exactly what I want. Because too often we don't really know what we want ourselves which becomes the biggest problem. Then comes communicating this idea to others so that they too can see your vision.
Yeah so last week I forced myself to question every method in which this company would run and how the webpages would flow into each other. And let me tell you, I am not a web designer so it was extremely difficult to figure out the smallest details such as navigational flow of the menus to the position of images to text so that it looks visually pleasing. Yeah I've realized how hard it is to think in a linear fashion without deviating and jumping points. To design a company, you must design every single little aspect to it from production to shipping to marketing to merchandising and brand strategy. Dang it's a lot of work.
Anyway so I'm taking a break from thesis. Problem is is that now with all this time, I'm a little bored. I can do hw due Monday but... its only Thursday. It's not that I don't have work to do, it's just that I want to take a break but I'm not sure what to do on this break. I started designing my thesis book which I can imagine to be hellishly expensive because.... I have expensive taste.

But anyway, I feel very blessed by God through my work right now. I like doing this and I feel alive when I'm refining every component of my company. This work seems just what I was created for (and that's just hypothetical).


Sukiyaki Western Django. The movie itself was meh but the COSTUMES were so sexy. Two Japanese cowboy gangs/yakuza against each other: one in red and the other in white. A mix of distressed denim and kimono-like jackets ripped and torn. So good looking. Hence my growing interest in cowboy Western styles mixed with Asian prints.


So Monday was the first time in my four year career at Parsons that we got a snow day.
What did I do?
Did a little dance (you wish... I meant I did a little dance in my head XD) and then went out to lunch with acc. partner! lol. It really was nothing- I just laughed at all those poor new yorkers who only had sneakers. Canada trains you well.
Oh and I got 98% on my Chinese test. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY



The artist that rocks my socks. His work is jaw dropping. I take inspiration from him when I'm doing my thesis: he's a constant reminder that work should be fun.

So I've started to pull my annoying bangs back which means... I may be reverting back to my old hairstyle pre-New York. T-T I look really plain without the bangs though. I feel really... exposed.
I was thinking last week of the post I wrote previously. And I realized that this saying holds true, "don't it all just seem to go when you dont know what you got till it's gone."
Wishing I had a group of friends like Quest Crew did- I realized I sort of had that in my own broken New York way. I received an email from my visiting friend now back at uni, telling me that she was inspired to start up her own personal devos again after doing BS with me in New York. Both of us and a mutual friend studying in another State started an email chain to keep in touch beyond just Facebook. I proposed that we start up Bible Studies via email: assigning three chapters a week and then getting together at the end of the week to write to each other about how we were convicted by those passages and life in general.
I want genuinely deep friendships now: to find Christ centered relationships and not ones that are based on superfluous things. It's hard though because I know some friendships that I care for the most will not reach this state though we hang out a lot/talk we're just 'friends for fun'.

I'm really encouraged by Small Groups. Our church is starting to focus more and more on prayer and at the end of March we are doing a 24/7 prayer event for a week where participants sign up to pray for an hour of the day at the church office so that someone is in the prayer room on every hour for a week.
We were sharing about prayer today and a few things that stuck out to me were:
-We often come with our own agendas in prayer but we fail to see this is the only direct connection between us and God to just speak to Him for who He is and not what He can do for us.
-When in conflict, we often run to our roommates/friends/family first to vent and then lastly to God when we're tired to say "oh God you know my problems... please help me". Should we not seek His counsel first?
-We often fall asleep in prayer but remember that you should conduct yourself in the same way you would act if God was physically in front of you. And you most likely would not be asleep.

I am slowly learning to rely on God for everything. To know is an entirely different from experiencing (now did you really just understand what I just said? ;P). I know I have many idols in my life that I may be taking for granted as something I deserve or something that I can't live without.
I was challenged to give up something for Lent. Although we aren't catholic, it's a good time to also do this as a symbol of our ultimate reliance on God. So...

I gave up chocolate.

Lol if you think about it, it's a lot easier than giving up dessert all together so no I don't consider this suffering. I bet you they'll be missing me at Max Brenner's.
However I forgot that I have to make the ultimate chocolate cake for my friend's birthday smack in the middle of this month. She wants it dense chocolate filled with candy bars. God's laughing at my face. jk.
Speaking of suffering, I finished Jeremiah (I could hear God addressing the USA in all the calamities He promises to bring upon the nations) and am now slicing through Job. After Job it's Deuteronomy I go!
Hm I think I'll try this Japanese recipe that teaches you to make a chicken, tofu and vegetable soup tomorrow that I got translated. YAYYYY
Friday: Prayer date with one of my SG leaders and Coraline (my friend and I are determined to not be beaten this time round)
Saturday: Flushing, Queens to watch my friends get their hair done (yeah I'm a loser like that.. I enjoy watching things like this providing I'm interested in their hair in the first place. :P) and then probs eat there (CHINESE FOOOD)
Sunday: church and tea with my fashion portfolio big sister who went to HK and lives in the same apartment complex as my family there to find a job but came back today!
Monday: Chinese and lunch with acc. partner. Dinner with SG friend
Tuesday: Class...Prep for round robin thesis crit this Wed.
Wednesday: Chinese, Crit, IDC Hate Club Dinner and going to see Watchmen.. and then it's home to pack-a-pack for LALALALA
Thursday: LOS ANGELES, BABY!

Oh hotness. I'm a member of this Chinese version of Facebook so I could access their street style galleries. I'm really sad. I love the pretty colourssss

Oh. My. Goodness.
(this is a shallow post)

I sat down for dinner, a dinner for one
(of pork ribs simmered in soy sauce, wine, sugar, ginger, green onions, vinegar just like how my mom makes them at home.. and I finally got the recipe right.. with a pork bone stew my friend and I made last week as well as bak choy.. that's right, 100% chinese dinner yo)

and turned on MTV
(I know it's quality tv hence the word 'entertainment')

And I saw America's Best Dance Crew 3
WATCH THIS= Quest Crew Orquestra

AND MY FAVOURITE= Week 7

The whole hand motion thing was friggin insane!! awernhakwrnhwakjaw I got shivers after watching this

Dancer boys are so friggin hot.
Guys in plaid shirts are hot.

(regains composure)

I can't believe that dude plays piano and dances. If I have a son, he's going to dance classes, piano and kumon (I'm hoping he can teach himself math cuz I hate it). My friend sent me some of his piano compositions and they seriously sound like Final Fantasy work.
Anyway, I think beyond the fact that they can dance and do really crazy tricks without killing themselves or their crew, there's something about ABDC that makes us want to be them. This idea of belonging in a unit, a family where everyone is in sync with one another, builds each other up to create something together that is larger and greater than we are as individuals. Yeah, that's what I admire about dance crews such as these. What we see on stage is the end product to a lot of hard work and building of relationships.

There's something about seeing guy friendships that I find really endearing. Perhaps it is because guys dont show much affection that I find it so adorable when they do (ie in the Orquestra ep of ABDC as seen above)
A friend shared with me the other day that though he considers himself quite social, he only cares about a few friends and the rest are just acquaintances. The group of friends that we formed he regarded as a family. And he found it somewhat hard to let go of such friends. I was happy that someone felt the same way as I.

But dang, btw I don't think I mentioned this before but I'm going to LA for spring break in two weeks. I'm getting myself one of those boys. JK.
For Spring Break it was either Montreal with my church friends or LA with my roommate or Toronto and Montreal...
I decided to do something different this year. I'm in need of some sun (not a tan but just some sun) and I want to live it up in LA for a few days.


Love her scarf neck wrapping thing

Anyway life is good. I've realized that it is better to be suffering and have God speaking to me than to be too comfortable to the point where I can't hear Him. I've been praying to experience His love so intensely that it makes all human ones seem dull (it is my way of fighting the desire to be in a relationship). Anyway these past few days have been very good. I feel like the storm has subsided for the while and I'm riding on the wave of God's infinite goodness. How?
My thesis is going very well. I've come to respect a lot more people and companies ever since I decided to venture off on my own and build my own company for my thesis. My roommate made me watch the Pixar Story (we are nerds) on the Wall E special features. Man, I highly recommend everyone to watch it, artist or not. It is one of the most inspiring entrepreneurial stories I have ever heard. Did you know that the directors of Monsters Inc, Finding Nemo, the founder of Pixar AND Tim Burton were in the same class together at Cal Arts? AMAZING. And they actually loved their school and loved what they did. Now that's something to respect because no one I know loves their school like they did.

But something that the founder of Pixar said that made me respect him a lot (sorry I keep referring him as 'that guy' but I can't remember his name right now). Upon the making of Toy Story 2, the team realized they had to scrap all the material they had and start again in a matter of a few weeks yet he was supposed to be on holiday after A Bug's Life:
My feeling was that I couldn't expect anyone at Pixar to do something I was not willing to do

Wow, mad respects to this fellow here. When Disney feared that computers would take away the jobs of all animators and the limitations of computer animation, he saw potential in creating films that fused art and computers together.
What made me admire the creators of Pixar was that they actually had an immense amount of fun working. Why couldn't my school be like that? Why was everyone suffering and complaining throughout thesis, saying that they'd rather just throw something together last minute to graduate?

It's really discouraging.

So last week as we were proposing how to do our senior exhibition to the title 'Between the Lines' (I wanted to call it 'Marinate' like we've been sitting around school for four years- we ought to be full of it... or 'NO MSG'- because we're 100% original flavour.. or 'Bodega: one stop shop' because all our projects are so random we needed a title that encompassed all our theses... or 'Neapolitan' for the three flavours of ice cream.. LOL, I am dead serious).

Anyway what I realized in that class was that we had lost that excitement about our program so as we were discussing how to set up our exhibition (shelves or no shelves.. how much space etc) that we had to make it fun.

I told the teacher we needed to lighten up. Because our program is striving to save the world through design, our exhibition had to be somewhat fun because we were all sober, dreary people.

Suddenly we started popping out ideas. 'Between the Lines': what visual image does that give us? Mad Libs.
You must understand in order to get our pin number to register for classes, we have to fill out this fill-in-the-blank mission statement that says something like "at IDC I am interested in _____ because ____ in order to ___" and there'd be this word bank to help us fill it out. It's the most ridiculous thing ever because not everyone's area of study changes and for me I'm always saying the same thing over and over again. Anyway we thought it'd be so jokes if we created an exhibition with a huge Mad Lib on the wall where we'd have these blurbs and the blanks would be a black shelf where each student would place his or her thesis project on there.
Genius eh?

And we actually started to have fun and laugh and say dumb things. And I finally felt a sense of.... excitement and ownership. So now our class is going to have this giant Mad Lib on our thesis wall. woot woot. I can actually picture this turning out really well.

As for my thesis I've realized in the process of designing my own company, that I must first be the one who actually believes in my own project. No critic or friend is going to believe in it until I do. And that's the hardest of all because my company must already exist in my head and I have to somehow convey all this into words so that others see my vision. And it's really hard because it doesn't tangibly exist. But by the grace of God, my company is visually coming together on In Design. lol I actually like working on my thesis. Work is actually fun for me now. And I'm starting to see this company come alive. It actually weaves my love for writing, storytelling, phototaking, street styling, shopping together into one. God is good. He made me this way for a reason. Because this company is essentially me. I wasn't even going into my major thinking that all these had to be fulfilled but it just all so fit in perfectly together!
I showed it to a friend the other day who would be a potential consumer and he really loved it.

A visiting friend asked me what my plans were after graduation. I told her I didn't really have any save travel. She shared that she and her mom always thought I had this quiet confidence that no matter what would happen, I'd be okay.

Looking back from 2008 till now I've come to accept myself as I am (or coming to terms at least). Stand out if I must, set apart by God is to stand out I guess. I was at Max Brenner's the other day with a friend and the waiter comes up to me and says "I've seen you before!". I couldn't recall him but later he jogged my memory- he was the waiter who would say really Disney-like sentences to us like "have an enchanted evening"... He then tells me that, "funny thing is that I see thousands of people every day and yet I remember you."
That either means I am extremely pretty OR that I have a really awkward/different-looking face. I've always believed the latter.
Spending time in HK was quite painful in a way for I was always struggling with trying to love myself for who I was and not what I wasn't. The fact was that I so desperately wanted to blend in with the locals there. I hated speaking Chinese and a fear would seize my heart whenever I had to speak to locals for fear of being made fun of or being seen as a lesser. I tried to speak as little English as possible because I thought they'd accept me better as a Canto than an ABC. Clothes and shoes that did not fit me also beat my self esteem for not having things in your size makes you realize that they don't really consider people your size.
But God has set me apart in a way that has enabled me to become quite versatile. I'm never just one thing. I've always liked opposites: east/west, fashion and sustainability are apparent oxymorons from its philosophy to its practices. Well my thesis shows you how fashion and sustainability can work together but I will not mention it here. I love wearing the feminine-chiffon and dresses but I've become quite schizo in the last half year and have swapped it all solely to the menswear look with skinny pants and t shirts (my mom asked me during winter break if I brought any dresses home and wondered why I suddenly stopped wearing skirts/dresses). A fashionable friend whose style I really admire, he said to me, "your style is very european but there's a lot of asian influence in it as well."
For the record, the boyfriend blazer came back this season. -_- That'll make my white chiffon one I bought last summer in HK just like everyone else's now. Friggin trends. What I am interested in this season? Japanese Western styles: fusion of cowboy with Asian twists to it. I recently watched this film called 'Sukiyaki Dango'- a Japanese Western featuring Quentin Tarantino and though the movie itself was not stellar, the costumes were awesome. Hence I'm into tacky sweater patterns, plaid, fur, bowties and all the quirks most people would shudder at.

But yeah, to me fashion is not a talent nor a gift. It's something you just.. do. It's impossible to tell the trendsetters from the followers. If it is a talent, it's a talent that is easily lost amongst copycats.

Shows like America's Best Dance Crew can really screw with my head at times. Lately I've started to 'obsess' over my weight which shot up 5lbs during winter break since I wasn't walking and drinking milk tea whenever I had the chance. Seeing really thin girls on street style sites can also get to me at times and I could hear myself saying "If I were skinnier, I'd be prettier/happier/[insert more nonsense here]" It also doesnt help when friends are obsessed over their weight either which also can put a stress on me. I hate it. I hate it that I feel inferior to a lot of HK girls. I keep staring at the negative space between their legs and wonder if it's natural or toned by the gym.
People have always thought that since I was always known for being the girl with the long limbs, that I'd be perfectly happy with the way God has made me. Yet when my self esteem is low due to my weight or other 'imperfections', I dare not share it with anyone lest they think I'm just complaining.
I had to vent it out. For such self centered shallow concerns actually do plague me and if people are not willing to listen, I'll just write it all here.

God, I am just the clay, you're the potter. Who am I to have the right to say why you made me this way?

Okay, back to Quest Crew. lol